EmilyCMalfoy: Thanks for reviewing! Who knows what all might happen between now and the end of this story? Hold out hope if you want to! Yeah, I'd love to see your videos. Private Message me to remind me because I'm about to get really busy again and might forget! Merry late Christmas! Thanks for the hugs!

Krazyasibe: Thanks for reviewing! I'm so glad you still love the story! It takes dedication to keep reading it this long, and I appreciate it!

Fmh: Thanks for reviewing! I didn't really plan for them to reconcile like that, at least not yet, but Charlotte kinda took control of the situation, and the reconciliation happened. I originally didn't plan for them to reconcile until Part 4. Oh well. Having his child would definitely cause complications, but I don't think she cares very much about that right now because she has hope now that she won't have Voldemort's child, and that's all that really matters right now.

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Sorry for the delay. I know I meant to have this posted earlier this month, but I came down with the flu and then had family stuff going on for the holidays. The next chapter will be up mid-January!

CHAPTER 41

When I wake up in the early hours of the next morning, it takes me a short minute to remember where I am. Through the moonlight seeping through the window, I can see enough to know that I'm in in Severus's chambers. You're in Severus's chambers. You're in Severus's bed. Our legs are entwined, my head on his chest. I'm comfortably tired. I'm at peace. I think I'm happy. But as that thought crosses my mind, my stomach sinks, and I feel cold. What if I've made a mistake? What if our friendship is ruined because of this? Sure, he'll be in my life, but at what cost? What if I made a complete and total mistake?

I shift my head just enough to look up at him. He sleeps peacefully, his chest rising and falling steadily while he rests, his heart beating calmly. I want to let myself relax, want to let myself believe that everything will be fine between Severus and me, want to believe that this wasn't a mistake, but I'm afraid, honestly. Right now I'm happy and comfortable and at peace, but what if he wakes up and realizes that he regrets what we've done? What if he wakes up and decides that this can never happen again? I can't imagine us slipping back into our normal, average existence after having slept together. I've seen him naked now, would it be possible for everything to go back to normal?

Would I even want it to go back to normal? I wasn't lying to him when I said that I'd rather have his child than Voldemort's. I mean, that's a no-brainer of course, but now that it could be a reality—now that we've started this and there's a legitimate chance of having his child over Voldemort's, I can't imagine going back to the despair I once felt. Severus gives me hope.

But I'm still so fearful that when he awakens, he's going to tell me that he is unable to stomach this, that it's putting us both in danger. Because it is. I know that. I'm sure he knows that. I mean, if the Death Eaters or Voldemort ever found out that I was willingly fucking Severus Snape, I'm afraid that the punishment would be severe. They might force me out of Hogwarts, away from everyone I love, away from the one thing that makes me happy. Or worse and almost unthinkable, they might try to kill Severus. Then how would I survive? Not just because he'd be gone, just the idea of which clenches my heart with sorrow. No, I wouldn't be able to survive because it'd be all my fault. I would've been the cause of his death.

Perhaps this wasn't the best idea.

But I can't really bring myself to regret it. But what if Severus does? What if he wakes up and regrets it? What if these few minutes then, this little bit of time in which I am awake and he is not, is the last time I'll be able to be happy with him?

Then I guess, so be it? At least I have him right now. At least I'm happy right now. And if he decides to hate me or stop this…I honestly don't know what I'll do. I'll hate myself, I'm sure. After all, I initiated this knowing that it could potentially ruin my friendship with him. I just really hope that doesn't happen. I need him in my life too much for that.

Then why would you have risked this, Charlotte? Why would you have ever decided that this was a good idea?

At some point during my panicking thoughts I fall back asleep.

A sigh escapes me when I awaken later and stretch my legs. I'm lying on Severus's arm, my back to his chest. "Thank Merlin you're awake," he says, his chest vibrating, his breath hot on my neck. "My arm fell asleep nearly twenty minutes ago."

"You could have woken me," I mumble, sitting up enough for him to free his arm, then crawling backward to the headboard to lean against it. "What time is it?" I rub my eyes, trying to wake myself up more.

"Late," he says vaguely. "You missed breakfast in the Great Hall, unfortunately."

"Why didn't you wake me?" I ask in surprise.

"You looked peaceful."

I nod, knowing that that's why I was trying to be careful not to wake him up earlier either. He's been through so much, and to see him sleep peacefully was nice. I didn't want to ruin that. A smile pulls at my lips, and I reach out and put my hand on his shoulder. "Could we maybe get some toast or something? I won't lie—I'm hungry." He waves his wand, and a tray appears on the bed. It has toast and bacon and two glasses of juice. "Thank you." I pick up a piece and begin eating it while he slides up to the headboard to sit next to me.

We eat a small meal together in silence, and I'm afraid to break that silence. I'm afraid of any conversation we might have and what that conversation might entail. I'm a coward.

I've just finished a second slice of toast when he turns his head toward me and says, "Something's bothering you, Charlotte. Just say it."

"Do you…do you regret…are you upset with me?"

He stops chewing and watches me for a moment. "Why would I be upset with you?"

"I mean, do you regret what—do you regret this?"

He sets down his piece of bacon. "No."

A sigh of relief escapes me, and I smile at him. "Good." I rest my head back for a moment. "Good. I was—I was panicking in the night."

"If you want to stop—"

"I don't." I reach over and put my hand on his forearm. "I was afraid you'd regret it." I offer him a sad smile, and his eyes soften. "Are you finished eating?" He waves his wand, and the tray disappears.

He turns toward me, his hand moving toward me slowly, slowly enough that I could stop it if I wanted to. "I had nearly forgotten about Avery's dagger," he says as his hand comes to a rest on the scar on my belly. I push the blankets down to my waist to look at the scar with him as he gently runs his finger over it. It's grotesque, raised high above the rest of the skin and still a very angry red. It almost makes me cringe to look at, to remember what caused it, to remember the pain I felt when Pomfrey tried to remove it, to remember the struggle I faced trying to get to the castle with that dagger lodged in my side. To think of how I almost would've welcomed death to escape that pain. "You almost died."

"Yeah. I don't recommend it."

His eyes trail up my body until he meets my eyes. "It's good to know you can joke about that now." His fingers trace over the gross scar. "I saw you lying there in St. Mungo's. I sneaked in and—I thought you were going to die."

"Would you have been able to remove the dagger without causing as much damage?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know what type of curses were on it, and I haven't had a chance to study it."

I reach over and put my hand on his cheek. "I was mad at you, because of the Dumbledore thing, but I still debated trying to find you so you could help me."

"I would have."

"I know. That's why I wanted to find you. But I couldn't do much of anything, especially not Apparate anywhere. I could hardly move."

"It's good you've recovered."

"Yeah, I'll say."

"I'm glad you're alive," he says quietly.

My hand runs through his hair. "I'm glad I am too." I grin at him. "What's that look for?"

He exhales. "I will require a promise from you."

"Anything."

"Do not call me 'Professor' when we're alone. It feels…wrong now."

"It's a deal." I almost laugh before adding, "Besides, this makes things a lot easier. I've been calling you 'Severus' in my mind for months."

He watches me for a moment, something strange in his eyes. "I never said you could use my given name."

"Would you prefer me only refer to you as 'Snape' or 'sir'? Somehow that feels oddly formal. I think I'll stick with 'Severus.'" I pause for a moment. "As long as you won't be offended."

"Call me whatever you'd like." I open my mouth to speak, but he immediately cuts me off with, "Don't," and I laugh quietly. "Call me whatever you'd like within the realm of reason."

"Okay. I mean, that takes all of the fun out of it, but it's less uncomfortable than calling you 'Professor' or 'Headmaster.' Technically speaking, you've never been my professor or my headmaster. I'm not a student. Though I suppose the argument could be made that I was your pupil, regardless of how informal the teaching. It was more of a mentorship, right? Which I guess is at least somewhat different than being an actual—"

He starts laughing quietly, and it makes me smile. "You're not usually this talkative in the mornings."

"You've only ever seen me on bad mornings—like when I have go to the manor." I place my hand on his chest. "This definitely isn't a bad morning." My smile grows broader despite my attempt to rein it in, but I don't care. "In fact, this is a pretty perfect morning. I've not had one of those in a really long time." Everything seems better now.

Severus has forgiven me. I'm silently rebelling against Voldemort in what he would undoubtedly see as the worst of ways. I'm avoiding the other students while spending time with the person I can wholeheartedly claim is the greatest friend I've ever had. For once my life is perfect. Or as perfect as Voldemort's broodmare from the Lestrange bloodline can be. But then a chill runs down my spine. "What would happen if the Death Eaters found out?" I ask quietly. "Is there a chance they would? I don't—I don't want you to be hurt because of me."

"We can continue practicing Occlumency if you'd like," he says. "If that'll ease your mind. They won't ever need to find out."

I smile at him. "Okay. Yeah. I just—I wouldn't be able to live with myself if—if you were hurt because of me, you know?"

"Because of you?"

"I initiated this, and—"

"I didn't stop it. It'd be my fault."

No, that's not true. It'd be my fault. But I can tell by the look on his face that he'll argue with me if I try to take the blame. "Are you planning to leave the castle to meet with Death Eaters today, Severus?" I ask, enjoying the sound of his name coming out of my mouth on purpose rather than as a slip of the tongue.

He hesitates for a brief second as if trying to remember one way or another. "There have been no plans."

"Good," I say, smiling broadly at him. "I didn't really want to face the other students just yet. It's nice avoiding them sometimes."

"Are you assuming that I'll let you hide in here on a day not pertaining to your trips to Malfoy Manor?"

"Would you actually kick me out of your office, out of your bed? Right now?"

He avoids the question. "You like to avoid even that group that you hang around?"

I nod. "It's getting harder and harder to lie to them all the time. I always feel like I might slip and say something that I shouldn't say. Which would endanger them." His eyes seem sympathetic. "Don't look at me like that." I don't know if he's had friends that he's had to lie to like this. Would McGonagall count as a friend? Not now, of course, but years ago? You know what, let's not think about Professor McGonagall when I'm currently naked in Severus Snape's bed, the bed of a man who betrayed the Order and murdered Dumbledore. Or so the world thinks. I can't even imagine what she would do if she found out. Or Bellatrix. Mum would be furious, Merlin. She'd kill him without a second thought. Yet, wouldn't it be the funniest thing if I gave birth to some child who came out with black eyes? I wonder what she'd do then with the knowledge that her grandchild is Severus Snape's child. "Besides, it's Sunday. I don't have to be in class." I trace my hand over his chest, just above his heart. "And in any case, I'm going with Christopher for Christmas later this week. I'm sure I'll spend plenty of time with them on the Hogwarts Express out of here."

"You must hide until you get on the train, maybe even on the train. The Carrows cannot see you leaving or know that you've gone. It'd be dangerous for everyone involved."

"That shouldn't be too difficult." An odd feeling grows in my stomach. Do I want to leave him right now? Or do I want to spend my Christmas holiday here at the castle with him? I'm actually not sure now what I want to do. But I know for right now I'm happiest being where I am. My heart settles peacefully as I think about the possibility of someday having a child and watching Voldemort's face collapse when he realizes the child does not have his blood. Of one day looking down at my own child and seeing not red eyes but black eyes. Of seeing a normal human nose instead of two snakelike slits. Of being able to love my child because it is not Voldemort's blood but Severus's. A wave of giddiness washes over me. As much as I want Voldemort to die horribly and to die very, very soon, I would very much enjoy him living long enough to learn that his broodmare and one of his most trusted followers have turned against him and betrayed him.

It would be the best, happiest moment of my life, I think. Up until Voldemort decided to try to kill the both of us. But until then—until the moment when we're likely tortured and have to escape as quickly as possible, it will be the most glorious moment of my life.

Bellatrix will probably hate me. That won't be any fun, of course, but maybe she'll get over her hatred of Severus and of my betrayal to the Dark Lord in order to love, or at least care for, her grandchild. Because if I have any say in what happens in my life—not that I've ever really had a say in my life, but maybe things will change, even though I rather doubt it—I will never have Voldemort's child, and so Bellatrix will have to get over it. She'll have to accept that any child of mine will not be a child of Voldemort's.

My eyes wander over to Severus. If I could spend the rest of my Hogwarts days hiding in the headmaster's private chambers with him, I think I'd be able to survive my monthly visits with Voldemort.

I lean forward and kiss him, a strange joy in my heart that I am allowed to do this, that I'm allowed to be in his office at all, really. That he allows me to be near him like this after everything I've done to prove I don't deserve it. He means the world to me. Then something occurs to me. "Should we burn that letter? It might be pretty incriminating, you know?"

He stretches backward to grab his wand from the nightstand. I can't stop myself from running my hand across his torso, kind of surprised at how lean he is. And he told me that I needed to eat and stay healthy. "That tickles," he says quietly. He comes back and waves his wand. The letter flies into his hand. "It'd be wise to hide the evidence. It'd be a shame for the Dark Lord to learn of everything we've done. It would surely anger him."

"So let's burn it."

"Very well." The paper goes up in flames, and he drops it to the mattress between us, leaving behind ashes.

"I suppose I should have said to Vanish it, right?"

"I was only doing as you suggested," he says with a slight grin. With a wave of his wand, the remnants of the letter disappear.

Once again his hand finds that horrible scar on my side. "Does it bother you?" I ask. "That I almost died?"

"Yes." He inhales. His black eyes meet my blue ones. "When I saw you lying there in that bed, I almost didn't—I didn't believe you would make it."

I cover his hand with mine. "I wanted so badly to find you, Severus, when I was trying to make it to the castle. I knew you could save me, but…"

"You wanted to kill me."

"Yes."

He swallows, then smiles sadly. "I'm unsure what would have happened had you died. How the Dark Lord would have—would've changed his plans."

"Do you think he would've chosen just any other pureblood witch?"

"I doubt it."

"So…so it would've been better had a died? I mean, in terms of—"

"No, Charlotte. Never think that."

"But I mean in terms of foiling his plans. Had I died, at least one of his plans would've fallen apart, if only temporarily. I mean, if you don't think he would've chosen anyone else without serious deliberation, at least this plan of his would've been delayed. So, I mean, I shouldn't have—I should've just laid there in the forest. It would've been better for the Wizarding World as a whole."

"No, Charlotte, you can't—"

"But you know it's true." I rest my head back against the bedframe. "And it would've been a better way to go. You wouldn't have been blamed like if I had died in the Black Lake. My death would've been on Avery, not you. You could've continued your job to take down the Dark Lord, and his plans would be disrupted. I should've let that knife kill me."

He clears his throat and glances away from me for a moment before looking back at me. "I'm unsure what I would be doing if no one knew the truth about me. I prefer having someone to share that particular burden with. It certainly makes things much easier. It's selfish of me, but I wouldn't be better off if you were dead. I'm glad you're alive."

I don't know if he's just saying this to make me feel better about selfishly living despite the fact that my death would've made things easier on the Wizarding World as a whole. All I know is that until recently, I legitimately regretted living. And after Zoe was murdered, I didn't think I wanted to live anymore. But I'm happier now, in the castle with Severus. Though I still regret selfishly living, I'm not angry, as I once was, that I'm alive. I find myself smiling at Severus. "I'm honored to be the person to help you bear that burden." I cup his cheek, then reach forward and take his lips in mine. "If I lived for no other reason than to help you through this, to help you take down the Dark Lord once and for all, I think my living through the knife would've been worth it."

"Let's not talk about the Dark Lord."

"Not while we're betraying him like this?" I laugh.

"Yes."

Severus presses a warm kiss to my neck, and my hand finds his hair again. I marvel at how much I once hated him, at how much I wanted nothing more than to see him suffer. I can't believe that at one point I legitimately believed that he was just a Death Eater, someone heartless and cold and deserving of death.

His lips trail down my chest until he reaches the scar. He stops for a moment, my heart almost beating out of my chest, before he presses a long kiss to the very visible evidence of my near-death experience. Or one of them at least. Then he smiles up at me, and for a brief moment I can't believe I ever wanted to die.

After the knife, after Zoe, after Azkaban, I didn't think I'd ever be this happy again. Yet here I am, in Severus's chambers with him, my heart alight with joy, my spirit lighter and more hopeful than it has been in years. I only hope he's as happy as I am. Or at least as happy as Severus Snape can be.