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The next update will probably be early April. I hope you're all staying safe from the virus and washing your hands!

CHAPTER 46

Rodolphus's speech is slow. And for good reason—it's nearly three in the morning, and we're exhausted, but neither of us wants to go to sleep despite how we're both struggling to keep our eyes open. We just want to spend every possible minute with each other, something we had never dreamed possible until right now.

But I'm so incredibly tired that I hardly remember what we've spoken about. Granted, I don't really care because I'm spending time with him even though he's not supposed to know who I am. I lean on him a little more. We're sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the sofa, our feet propped on the table in front of us, a bottle of Firewhiskey being passed back and forth between us. It's almost as if Voldemort never faked my death. But not really because I still feel my duty looming over me. For the moment, however, I can almost ignore it. "So," he says, "what does Bella say about this whole thing?"

I don't know what to say to him about Bellatrix. But I guess I have to try to say something, even if it isn't what he wants to hear about his wife. "Well," I say, just as slowly has he had spoken, "to begin with, she hated it. She wanted to kill me, even threatened me to put me in St. Mungo's like she did the Longbottoms."

He tenses. "She—"

"She's fine now," I quickly interject. "She…she's told me that she loves me. And I love her. But to begin with, she hated the idea that I was back. It was easier to imagine that her daughter was dead, that there was not a chance that she would lose me again, that I wouldn't have to go through this, that I was safe—dead, sure, but safe. Dead means she wouldn't face the risk of losing me again. She doesn't like to acknowledge that it's Voldemort's fault I was in danger in the first place."

"Don't say his name. It's Tabooed."

"What?"

"Snatchers and Death Eaters can find you if you say his name."

"Where are they now then?"

"We're protected through the Fidelius Charm. But don't say his name."

At least I have a legitimate reason not to say his name now rather than Bellatrix and Severus simply telling me Do not say the Dark Lord's name! without any explanation as to why. I wonder when the name became Tabooed. Has it always been Tabooed? No, because I used to say his name a lot.

"Is that all—about your mother, I mean?" he says.

"Yeah, we've grown closer over time. I'd say we're relatively close now. I mean, I've run away from Hogwarts before to see her. And almost every time I have to go to the manor, she's there. I enjoy spending time with her now."

"But she can't help you escape your duty, can she?"

"She doesn't want to, considers it a privilege."

He sighs. "I feared that."

"Around her I play it off like I believe it's a privilege. I want my relationship with her to survive. So I keep my animosity to myself. I act like I believe her."

His chest vibrates with his silent laughter. "My daughter is quite the little actress." He stops laughing. "But I appreciate you trying with her. I know she can be difficult."

"I guess no one knows that as well as you."

"No one."

"How do you do it? How do you keep your love for her so strong? How do you do that?"

"I remember the good times, when I thought we had a chance together. I don't really know how, honestly. It just stays. She was—and is—the love of my life. I can't help but love her."

Our conversations become shorter with longer gaps, and soon we stop talking altogether. At some point we fall asleep on the sofa.

When I wake up that next morning still leaning against Rodolphus, my father, he's holding my hand, and I smile when I see it and give it a soft squeeze. "You're planning on leaving today then?" he asks me quietly. There's no way I can know how long he's been awake waiting for me to wake up, but the idea that he's just been lying here waiting for me to wake up makes me smile.

"I'm not sure, actually." Why does part of me want to go back to Hogwarts to see Severus when I've just got to spend time with my father?

"Well, we'll have to make the best we can out of today, just in case you have to leave," he says with a smile as he pulls us both to his feet. "Let's get something to eat, shall we?"

"You can cook?"

"Yes, but the house-elves at the Lestrange Estate prepared this for me before I left," he says. I follow him into the kitchen to have breakfast.

As I sit down across from him, I realize that this is the first, and probably the last, Christmas Eve I have ever spent—or will ever spend—with my dad. I feel myself becoming giddy again while Rodolphus presents me with bacon and eggs. "Do you think Harry stands a chance of defeating the Dark Lord?" I ask.

"Honestly? Yes, I do. And I sincerely hope he does. But more than the boy just defeating him, I hope he can do it in time to save you."

"Me too."

Conversation dies off pretty soon after that while we eat, but I'm okay with it. I just like being around him. It's a nice feeling, something I never thought possible. Again I find myself the last one eating, my father waiting in patient silence until I am done. Then he says, "I don't have anything I can truly give you for Christmas, seeing as it is tomorrow and I will not waste our time to leave for a simple material gift." He stands and comes over to me. The plates lift themselves off the table and go to the sink. Rodolphus pulls me to my feet.

"Spending time with you is better than anything else you could possible give me," I assure him.

Either way, he leads me to the living room and waves his wand. "But there is something that I want to give you." A teddy bear, which I immediately recognize as the one that once belonged to me, enters the room and goes to Rodolphus. "Bella returned it to me after I stormed away over your birthday."

"She…she returned it to you? What did she say?"

He grins. "She came to the house—speaking of, you should come soon, too. Anyway, she came to mine and Rabastan's home. Rabastan wasn't there. It was just me."

"What did she do?" I ask quietly.

"She was nervous, clearly didn't know how to react. She hadn't been there in—er—sixteen, seventeen years. The last time she was there was a few weeks after you, well, died, I suppose, for lack of a better term. We moved there after one of our larger fights, just trying to do something to diffuse the tension. But even leaving the cottage was not enough."

"I can't imagine…"

"It was rather difficult if I may say so myself. A bit awkward."

"What happened?" I try again, unable to keep the strain out of my voice.

He smiles at me, obviously enjoying my impatience. "She came into the house. I mean, she didn't Apparate straight in. She knocked on the door—that was the beginning of the peculiarities of this whole situation.

"I went to the door and almost lost my wits when I saw her there. She asked if she could come in, and of course I let her. It wasn't until later that I registered the fact that she was carrying a teddy bear with her. I was too focused on her, the fact that she was there, in my home, with me, the fact that she seemed relatively at ease around me. She was uncomfortable with being there—we had no good memories together from that house. But she seemed fine with being around me."

Bellatrix went to him to return the bear. I'm not sure how I should feel about that.

"She went into the den, sat down on the black sofa, and stared out the large window. We live on the coast of the North Sea. She was just watching the waves in silence. I didn't quite know what to do. I didn't know whether I should sit down with her, stand and watch her in complete bliss—something I would have enjoyed doing—or watch the water like she was doing, which was not something I wanted to do. But I resigned to stand next to the sofa and stare out to the water as well.

"After a few minutes of this, she clicked her tongue and said, 'Why are you just standing there? Have a seat.' She patted the spot next to her." He's lost in his story, and his eyes shine with happiness. "Doing my best to constrain my joy—things like this never last with Bella—I sat down, leaving enough room between us for her to plop the bear there, which she did. Then she just watched the bear; but I watched her. We sat like this for another few minutes. Something was wrong with her. There was a sorrow etched in her face."

"What was it?" I ask in a hushed tone.

"I'll get to that."

I vow not to interrupt him again. After all he's been through with her, I believe he has the right to relive this moment with her.

"When she looked up at me, she looked as if she was going to cry. But she didn't, of course. Your mother is too tough to allow herself to cry around me. She's always been like that. Or she was, until we thought you died." He glances away from me for a moment before saying, "She began asking me questions about you—not Charlotte you, but Aurelia you—asking how things would have been different had you never died."

"How would things be different?"

"I don't know," he whispers. "I told her…I told her I wasn't sure how long we would've stayed happy, even with you. We likely would've stayed together for a while longer, but…we probably would've split eventually anyway. But we would've had you, and we likely would've remained friends. I told her that beyond that, nothing much would've stayed because I knew she had always loved the Dark Lord, which she quickly tried to deny. But let's face it, everyone knows it's the truth. At least, everyone who is close to her knows it's the truth. It's been obvious for a while, but it became even more obvious after your death. She's in love with him." He smiles sadly. "And I don't believe he even cares."

"That's who he is. He only cares about himself."

"I just…she deserves to love someone who will love her back."

"As do you."

He ignores my comment. "So, after I said that, she wasn't too happy with me, needless to say. She curtly informed me that she had come there to return your teddy bear to me. At this point, she knew you were alive, and I only suspected it but couldn't confirm it. I guess that's why she felt she needed to let me have the bear—it was one of the only things I had to remember you by. I suppose I can't be upset with her; the Dark Lord ordered her not to speak of it. I should've expected no different.

"After returning the bear, it was clear she wanted to tell me something, but she wouldn't let herself. And I…I couldn't get her to say it. Looking back, I think it was about you."

"When did this happen?" I've already broken my vow not to interrupt, so I guess I shouldn't worry about it anymore.

"Two weeks ago. She started to leave, rather in a hurry if I may say so myself. But she didn't. She wouldn't Disapparate. And it's not because there was a spell around the house—I would never do that to her. If she wanted to leave, I would let her leave. Part of her didn't want to leave. It was written on her face. There's a lot of bad blood between your mother and me, but we've always been friendly. We've always been friends. We were both tired of the strain between us.

"So she didn't leave. She stood there, close enough for me to touch, but I didn't reach out for her. There are some lines you don't cross. Then she began crying, Aurelia. It was the first time I had seen her cry since we thought we lost you.

"I don't know why, and I probably never will, but she wrapped her arms around me and sobbed into my chest. We stood there for almost half an hour," he continues. "When she was all cried out—I guess she doesn't cry often so it took some time—she looked up at me, apologized—for what, I do not know. I tried explaining to her that I did not care that she was crying, but she said that wasn't it. She wouldn't elaborate farther.

"Now I believe she was apologizing about you.

"She kissed me then left without another word. I haven't seen her since."

I don't know what to think. This doesn't sound like the Bellatrix I know. But then again, what little I know about her is baffling. She is a hard person for me to read. "Why are you telling me this?"

He smiles. "I don't quite know. I haven't spoken of it to anyone, not even Rabastan. I think I just wanted to say it out loud."

"I understand." I look at the teddy bear. "But I can't take that."

"Why not? It's something from your past."

"I know, but I want you to keep it. Besides, I wouldn't know what to do with it at Hogwarts. I'd rather it be somewhere I know is safe, somewhere it can be preserved."

He nods. "You can give it to your firstborn—not that of the Dark Lord. Your real first child, the first child born to you and your future husband."

I smile, knowing deep down that I won't have that chance. I'll be dead. I'm about to ask of him what I asked of my mother, which is to watch after my child if something happens to me. But I see a glint of silver around his neck and suddenly have an urge to see what it is. I don't know why, but I reach out and pull the chain. An amulet, one that had neatly been tucked inside his shirt, comes out and flops against his chest.

"Vobiscum," he says quietly.

"What?" He removes the amulet from around his neck and holds it in his palm. Engraved in the silver is one word: Vobiscum. "What does that mean?"

"It's Latin for 'With you always.'" He flips it over. On the back is a date, my birthday, year and all. "I got it after your 'death.' I had your birthday engraved, and I fully meant to put the day you died. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. It seemed too final." He slips it back around his neck, and it's once again hidden by his shirt. "I've been with you, one way or another, since the day you born, Aurelia."

I open my mouth to say something but am cut off by a pop! and someone shouting, "It's her! It's her, Rodolphus, and I should have told you, and the Dark Lord plans to kill—"

Then the sound silences. I turn my head slowly. Standing next to the sofa is Bellatrix. We're all frozen. She opens her mouth a few times to say something but stays silent each time. Her eyes drift from me to Rodolphus and from Rodolphus to me.

"Bella?" my father breaks the silence a few moments later. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? What is she doing here?" Her eyes are now glued to me.

"I think you know," he says.

"You told him, didn't you?" she whispers to me.

I nod. "I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't have a choice."

Her eyes flutter to Rodolphus. "I should have told you, but the Dark Lord—he forbade it!"

My father shakes his head. "It's not your fault, Bella."

Why does she feel like she should have told him? She's the one who reiterated to me the fact that I was not allowed to speak of my relation to him.

She looks back at me. "Aurelia," she whispers, slowly coming toward me. "Is it true?"

"What? That I told him? Yes."

She shakes her head and viciously pulls to me feet and into her arms, her hand cradling the back of my head as if I'm a baby again.

"Mum," I try. I can feel her body vibrating ever so lightly, like she's trying to fight back the tears. "Mum, what's happened?"

"You already know," she breathes.

I tighten my hold around her. "Who told you?"

"The Dark Lord," she struggles to say.

This makes no sense. Voldemort didn't want her knowing about my fate. "Why would he tell you?"

She steps away from me. "Cissy and I were called into his chamber," she begins. "He was asking us about your state of mind when it comes to your duty, if you were getting any better. We all know that you aren't. Cissy fears you might end your life prematurely. The Dark Lord was adamant that you would not.

"He was so sure. Of course we couldn't just ask him why he was so certain. Cissy said that once you had the baby, you would just disappear. You would run away with the child, if you hadn't already escaped before you get pregnant.

"He said that you were willingly making the greatest sacrifice for the cause. That's when I realized why you wanted me to watch after the child if something happened to you. You're going to die for the child, aren't you? You've taken it upon yourself—"

"'Taken it upon myself'? Who the fuck do you think I am? Do you think I want to die for the spawn of Voldemort? You think I want to die for the child of the devil himself?"

"Aurelia," she says. "Can't you see that this is the greatest privilege anyone could have?"

"WHAT?" Rodolphus shouts. He steps forward, taking a defending stance between me and my mother. "You spent fifteen years in Azkaban for him! Our daughter spent ten years in an orphanage and five years completely homeless! Now you're saying that she should die for him? Has she not been put through enough? Has she not suffered enough? Is one lifetime of a living hell not enough, Bella?"

She tries to speak, but he cuts her off. "Do you know why he kept you out of the room for so long right after her 'duty'? It's because he was torturing her!"

"He wouldn't."

"Oh really?" Rodolphus snaps. "He let his followers spend over a decade in Azkaban, but you don't think he'd torture someone who is not willingly serving him? You're smarter than that, Bella, I know you are."

"But he cares for her."

"He cares for no one but himself! You just wait! He'll have you dying for him too before this is over! Everyone is supposed to sacrifice everything for him! And what do we get out of it, Bella? Tell me, what do we get out of it? The privilege of serving a man who is just waiting for the opportunity to have us die for him, a man just waiting for his rise to power, never mind all the lives he destroys on his way to the top? How can you say that it is right or just or fair that our daughter should not only be tortured by him once a month and be forced to have his child but also be killed after it's all said and done?"

"Life isn't fair, Rodolphus! You and I both know that—"

"And so you feel our daughter should suffer through that as well?"

"HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?" They both turn to me as if each had forgotten that I was in the room. My breathing is labored, my vision blurring through angry tears. "HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?"

"Aurelia—"

"NO! You don't know what I've been through! Neither of you do!" I viciously why the tears out of my eyes. My head starts pounding. Something is squeezing down on my chest, and I can't get enough air in my lungs. "The things I had to do to survive! The things I had—the things—what I gave up—I let people—Alex—" Bellatrix reaches out to me, but I slap her hands away. "I was a child, and I was starving and cold and out of options." Briefly my mind wanders to the memory of Alex and his friend that I so desperately tried to keep Severus out of during our Occlumency lessons.

"Aurelia—"

"Neither of you—the shit I went through to survive, to not live on the streets." My knees give out, and I hit the floor crying. "I had to—I had to sell—I had to let the boy and his friend—for food and a warm place to sleep, I had—I was their pet." I've never spoken this aloud to anyone, and I don't know if anyone knows. Well, I'm sure Severus has put this together from the memories of Alex that he's seen.

"You let Muggles violate you?" Bellatrix says, her voice full of disgust.

"Bella, that's enough," Rodolphus cuts in gently. He kneels down beside me and wraps his arms around me. I fall against him. "Reserve your judgment for someone who deserves it. Our daughter had to survive."

"By letting Muggles—"

"ENOUGH!" he barks.

"I didn't have a choice. I was cold and starving and dying. I was fifteen."

"Fif—fifteen?" His voice is hoarse. He kisses the side of my head. "Aurelia, my sweet girl, I should've been there. I should've protected you."

My voice breaks and comes out as a whisper when I say, "I've suffered enough, and I don't deserve to die."

"There isn't another way," Bellatrix says. "Will it be devastating? Yes. Will we die because of it? No. We've gone through her death once, we can do it again. At least this time, your death will make a difference."

Her words breathe angry life back into me. "'Make a difference'?" I shriek. I look up at her from my place on the floor. "Do you know why he wants to kill me? Did he tell you that? Are you close enough to him that he would share that information with you?" She's silent. "Mother, he's going to kill me so he can place a piece of his soul into my son so he can come back to life with a readymade body waiting for him upon his return! My child—your only grandchild—will be nothing more than a vessel for the Dark Lord's personal use!"

"A horcrux?" my father whispers. "He'll turn the boy into a horcrux?"

"A what?"

Rodolphus points at Bellatrix. "It will be a cold day in hell before I let that happen, you hear me? You can believe it is a privilege all you want, but deep down, somewhere in that stone heart of yours, you know—you know—that this has gone too far."

"Aurelia," my mother says. "You know I love you. But you know that if the Dark Lord has commanded it, there is no other way."

"I know that. I just—I don't know why, but I expected you to care a little more about it." I take a breath and stand to my feet, peeling myself away from my father. "I thought you'd love me more." I wave my wand, and my bag flies into my hand. I open my mouth to say something but realize that I can't speak at all right now. So I Disapparate, trying to get away from the two of them because I simply can't handle it right now.