CHAPTER 12

Though the sun is hardly rising when I wake later that morning, I cannot fathom going back to sleep right now, particularly because of the overwhelming stickiness covering me due to Severus's blood. He's lying propped against me, his back to my chest, but I'll have to rouse him to get back to my dorm. And unless Severus decides to break Voldemort's command about my wand (again, I mean—last time he gave it to me anyway, but last time he wasn't tortured because of me). "Severus," I whisper, rubbing his shoulder. "Severus."

He shifts, moaning, which tells me that he's awake at least.

"Severus, you have to get up," I say softly. "I have to get back to the dorm." He groans when I try to sit him up. "We're covered in blood, Severus, we have to get up." His only answer is another pained whine, so I slide out from under him as gently as possible given the circumstances—he releases a small gasp of discomfort coming from him at being shifted—and make my way into his bathroom to clean myself up before attempting to wake him again.

Standing in the shower long than probably necessary—dried blood is disgusting and sticky and also kind of itchy—allows me to ensure that every last bit of blood is washed away from me, which almost lets me believe for a second that none of this is real. But of course it's real, so after putting more clothes on, I walk back into his quarters and once again try to wake him from his sleep. "Severus," I say, shaking him lightly.

He opens his eyes slightly, but keeps his face scrunched up so his eyes aren't too exposed to the light. "What did he do to you?" I whisper. He just shakes his head and closes his eyes again. "You need to get up and get this blood off you, yeah? And the sheets need to be changed. Come on."

With a grunt of effort, he swings his legs off the bed and immediately stops moving. I watch in horror as even more blood begins to spill out of him. Voldemort left open wounds on his body? Severus pulls himself back onto the bed and lies down. "There's a potion—on the shelf." He points to the sitting area. "Bright green—on the left—second shelf—from the top. And get—the black one—beside it. And the—dark red—two shelves—down."

Following his instructions precisely, I find two jars filled with the correctly colored potions and rush back to his side, breathing heavily from fear. "What do I do?"

"The black one—open it." With a shaking hand, he lifts his wand, waves it, and makes his robes vanish off his body to reveal across his arms and torso hundreds of puncture wounds wide enough for my index finger to push into, each one leaking blood at an alarming rate. Tears well up in my eyes, and I do my best to fight down the threatening sob. "Pour it—pour it over them." Nodding, unable to see well, I begin pouring the black potion onto him. He groans loudly, throwing his head back and breathing deeply and evenly, his hands clenched into fists. Though I move to stop pouring, to stop causing him pain, he says, "It's fine, keep going."

Once each wound seems to have potion in it, he says, "Open the green one." Hands trembling to profusely to take the jar from me and hold it, he says, "Help me drink it." I take it to his mouth, and he takes a small sip, then pushes it away. "It doesn't take much."

"What does it do?"

"Slows my heart—my wounds will heal with less blood loss. I will fall asleep very quickly. You need to back to the dorm before the others wake."

"The Carrows might be watching me, so it's probably best if I leave my wand behind, yeah?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"I'll just . . . claim I'm sick? And then—I don't know—borrow a wand and Apparate back here? Or I can claim I'm going to Hogsmeade. We still have one day—"

"No, no one can know you've lost your wand."

"Had it confiscated."

"Use one of your friends' wands when they aren't looking to cast the Disillusionment Charm over yourself and come back through the tower."

I nod. "All right. I'll be back soon. Should I bring anything back for you?"

"Blood-Replenishing Potion."

I lean down and kiss his forehead. "I'll be back after breakfast." He's asleep before I finish the sentence.

Even without the Disillusionment Charm, I manage to make it to the Slytherin Dungeon without any struggle and climb onto my bed to rest my eyes for as much time as possible before the others around me rise for the day. It's not long, unfortunately, before the sounds around me tell me the other girls in here are waking up. I roll over to my side and listen for the moment Daphne tries to wake me up. Sure enough, within just a few minutes of hearing the other seventh-year girls, Daphne has poked her head around the curtain. She smiles at me. "Good morning. I see you've already gotten ready for the day."

"I've been awake for a while, actually."

"You all right?"

"Yeah. Hurry up, I'm getting kind of hungry."

Daphne closes the curtain and disappears. Not long after, she's pulling me from the dormitory and down to the common room where we wait on the rest of the stragglers to arrive. I can't keep my mind off Severus, worry about him. How is he? Is he still asleep? Still in pain? What did Voldemort do to him? How long will it take for him to recover? How can I help him? How can I protect him from ever being tortured again because of me? Will he hate me due to the pain I've caused him?

Breakfast is a slow-moving affair as I fret over whatever Severus is going through in the Headmaster's Tower right now. "How was Hogsmeade?" Christopher asks.

I shrug. "We didn't do anything too interesting."

"You looked exhausted when you got back last night," Julia says offhandedly.

"I helped Madam Rosmerta a bit—you know her, the owner of the Three Broomsticks. I got to know her when Zoe worked there. I had forgotten how tiring it can be."

"But it was worth it because we each got a free butterbeer," Daphne adds.

We quiet down a bit when the owls swoop into the room, but none of us receives any mail. "So what're you doing today at the village?"

"Relaxing!" I say, smiling. "I don't want to work anymore—I'll have plenty of that nonsense to do after I graduate." Assuming I live that long. "So I'm just drinking butterbeer and eating food that's really bad for me. Do you want me to bring something back?"

"Butterbeer!" Jacob announces. "Bring us all back a bottle of butterbeer!"

"I will."

Only when we're walking out of the Great Hall do I slow Daphne down. "I can't go to Hogsmeade today. There's something I have to do for the Dark Lord. You won't tell any of them, will you? I'll leave the common room with you, but I can't leave the castle today."

She nods. "I won't tell any of them. Astoria might find out though."

"That's fine, she can know I stayed behind. I'll give you some Galleons for the butterbeers."

By the time we have everything ready to leave for Hogsmeade, my heart is racing. Though I know how to get to Severus's office and what to do to get there, I do not want to do it. But I will do anything for him, so I push through my nerves. Everything's fine.

Daphne and I wave goodbye to our young friends in the common room, but instead of going with her and Astoria to the entrance hall, I go to McGonagall's office. She calls for me to enter just a few moments after I knock. "Good morning, Professor," I say as I close the door behind me.

"I thought you'd be in Hogsmeade."

I sit down across from her. "I wish I could be, but some things came up when I went yesterday. That's a lie, I was in Hogsmeade for all of ten minutes yesterday before I left."

"Did you come back here?"

"No, Professor."

Her voice is slightly irritated—like the that was against the rules type of irritated—when she asks, "Where did you go?"

I sigh. "So word may or may not get out that a certain Death Eater has escaped Azkaban. Just know that I—"

"You willingly went back there?" she asks, her voice shrill.

"To rescue my father, yes. Rabastan was with me."

"The Death Eater? You went into Azkaban with a known Death Eater to save another Death Eater?"

"I went into Azkaban with my uncle to save my father. And I'm only telling you because it's over and you can't stop me now." She doesn't need to know that any others were with me. "Neither of them would have hurt me or let any harm come to me, you know that."

"I don't know that! You don't know that!" Her lips go into a very thin line, a clear sign that the rest of this conversation will go just as poorly as the first part has gone. "You used very poor judgment, Rodgers. Were you alone with them? Did you go back there with a Death Eater as your only assistance? A Death Eater who cannot produce a Patronus?"

"I had others with me, but I can't say who they were. They blackmailed me—threatened to tell you what I was doing so that you'd stop me. But it's over now, and it doesn't matter if you know because it's already done. And I know what I did was dangerous, and I've already gotten some lectures from quite a few people. But I couldn't leave him in there to rot. It was my fault, and I had to fix it."

"Was it another student?"

"I cannot answer that. All I will tell you is that Draco was with me."

She watches me, unhappy with my answer, but doesn't comment on it. Instead, she asks, "Why can't you return to Hogsmeade?"

"The Dark Lord was . . . not pleased with what I did." I look away from her. "He had my wand taken and banned me from leaving Hogwarts without the supervision of one of his Death Eaters."

"Rodgers—"

"I brought it on myself, and I know that," I say, looking back at her.

"Where is your wand?"

"With Se-Snape. The Carrows will supposedly return it to me for the classes that require it, but other than that, I don't have access to it." Her lips thin out even more, which I had previously thought was impossible. "So I have a favor to ask of you."

"You cannot have my wand."

I smile in spite of myself. "That's not—that's not what I was going to ask. I need to borrow—"

"Rodgers."

"—your wand just for a moment so that I can cast the Disillusionment Charm over myself. There's something the Dark Lord told me to do, and I can't do it while being seen."

"How will you remove the charm?"

"Snape's wand."

"Rodgers, you need to tell me what's going on."

"Fine. While invisible, I will break into the infirmary, steal some Blood-Replenishing Potion, sneak into Snape's office, remove the charm, and give him the potion."

"You-Know-Who asked you to steal a potion to give to Snape?"

"Well . . . he didn't say that exactly. He told me not to let him die, and I think he needs the potion because the blood—there was so much."

"Rodgers, what aren't you telling me?"

I sigh, knowing I should've just borrowed Daphne's wand but also knowing that part of me wanted to confide in McGonagall anyway. "All rigiht, so the Dark Lord knows that I went into Azkaban and blamed Severus for not watching me closely enough, so he tortured him. Had Bellatrix Cruciate him. I didn't handle it well, and my reaction enraged him, and he tortured Severus so more. He was unhappy that I cared about Se-Snape's wellbeing." Only after stopping my speech do I realize I used Snape's real name and silently pray she won't comment on it. "But how can I not be? If he's removed from Hogwarts, I have to leave too. So I need him to stay.

"Anyway, he lost a lot of blood in that torture, and now he's weak and lying in his bed unable to move without immense pain, and he finished the potion the Dark Lord gave me for him, so I need more, and I have to do it because it was my fault he was tortured in the first place." I inhale. "So I can please borrow your wand to make myself invisible so that I don't get tortured for letting the Dark Lord's control over Hogwarts die? Please. I know you hate him, and you have every right to do so, but I'd be dead without him, so I owe it to him to make sure he doesn't die. That, and I don't want to know what would happen if the Carrows or another Death Eater took over as headmaster. Snape keeps to himself. Most others probably won't."

McGonagall stands to her feet. "Wait here."

I obey her, my heart racing, and watch her leave her office, aware that everything about this feels wrong, knowing I shouldn't have told her all as much and should have been more careful not to use Severus's real name. I don't need others here at Hogwarts knowing that the two of us are on a first-name basis as that might raise some questions that would be best left unanswered.

No more than ten minutes later, McGonagall returns with two vials in her hand. "Here." She gives them to me. "Why do you need to be disillusioned to go to Snape's office?"

"Honestly? Because I don't want more students seeing me go up there. Last time I was attacked. And because I can't Apparate to his office the way I usually do to leave Hogwarts to go to the manor. Because of the wand thing. So I need to sneak up there."

"And how will you return?"

"I'll use his wand to place the charm on myself again and then remove it with Daphne's wand or come back here?" I frown at the face she's making. "You act like this is something I want to do when really I have no choice. I have to obey the Dark Lord or risk his wrath again, and I can't do that. Please."

Invoking the horrors I've gone through seems to do the trick, and she nods curtly, then casts the charm herself and tells me to come back here to have it removed again. I rush from the room, holding the vials tightly in my hands, dodging around a few of the younger students who are still in the castle. It doesn't take long to reach the Headmaster's Tower. Though the gargoyle can't see me, it opens once it hears the password, and I charge up the stairs and into his office. None of the paintings seem to care that the door has opened, and they still don't seem to care when I open the door to Severus's private chambers and enter. His wand is still on the table beside his bed, and I remove the charm from myself.

His intensely peaceful sleep almost makes me not want to wake him up, but his need for the potion pushes me onward regardless. It's only while approaching him that panic sets in. Is he breathing? His chest isn't moving! Tears pricking my eyes, lungs heaving with fear, I dash over to him and press my fingers against his neck. There's no heartbeat. I leave my fingers there for a few more seconds before slinging my body atop his, straddling him, and placing my hands on his chest. Though having no idea how to do CPR, I prepare to start pressing down on him when his stomach rises with a shallow breath and stops me from continuing.

I collapse onto his chest and sob into his neck. I thought he was dead. I thought he slipped away all alone up here. It would have been my fault. He could have died because of me. His hand touches my hip and comes to a rest there. "Dark red—potion—now."

Still sobbing, wiping tears and snot from my face, I raise up and reach over for the jar he indicated. His black eyes watch me intently as I shakily open the jar and put my hand behind his neck to help him sit up and drink some of it. He leans back again and closes his eyes while I close the jar again and put it back on the bedside table. I wipe my face again and bend to press a kiss to his forehead.

Severus takes a sudden, shuddering breath and begins coughing and trying to sit up, which quickly prompots me to move off him to sit beside him on the bed and give him more room to catch his breath. Once he seems to have calmed back down, he lies back down and places one hand on his stomach. In that moment, I notice his wounds—they're closed up and no longer bleeding. Though they're still an angry red and very clearly raw, they seem to no longer pose an immediate threat to his life.

"Are you—are you all right?" I whisper, pulling my legs beneath me and turning to face him better, wanting to reach out and place a hand on him but scared it might hurt him.

"Yes," he says, his voice much stronger now. He presses his hands against the mattress and tries to sit up. I place the pillows behind him to help prop him. "I'm fine."

This instantly brings more sobs, and I grab his hand tightly and hold it in mine. "I thought you were dead. You weren't breathing—your heart—"

"The potion," he says kindly. "It would have worn off in another hour or two, and judging by the way my wounds look now, they likely would have healed completely by then." His hand squeezes mine. "Charlotte, I'm fine. But I am weak. Did you manage to get the—" I pull them from my pocket and hand them over to him to drink. "Thank you." He places the vials—one empty, one full—on the bedside table. "I need to wash up," he says, picking at a piece of caked dried blood on his chest.

Groaning, he sits up and moves his legs off the bed but goes no further. Though he doesn't say so, I know he needs help, so I get off the bed and move to help him. He puts an arm around my shoulders and leans heavily on me as we walk to his bathroom. "Shower or bath?"

"Bath," he breathes. "Standing is still—difficult."

I help lower him to the floor where he leans against the claw-footed tub, then start removing his shoes. "Severus, I love you, you know that, and we have sex on a semi-regular basis, but please, Merlin, do not make me bathe you unless absolutely necessary."

His eyes still closed, he smiles weakly. "I won't make you do that."

"Bless you."

"Turn the water on." He reaches into his trouser pocket robes and removes two wands, one mine and one his, and places them on the floor.

"Hot, cold, warm?"

"Hot."

I turn the water on, adjusting it until he nods at me, then pick up his wand and leave the room, closing the door behind me. With a wave of his wand, I light all the candles in his chambers. The blood on his bed sends a shiver down my spine and threatens to make me vomit. He lost so much blood. Because of me.

Ignore it, he's fine now. Ignore it, he's fine now.

With another wave of his wand, I strip the sheets from the bed and put them in a pile in the corner. "Tergeo." The blood on the mattress siphons off, and I direct it onto the sheets in the corner. I call through the door now separating Severus and me, "How do I summon a house-elf? Dobby isn't here anymore, is he?" He doesn't answer, which would worry me if I didn't trust him not to drown in the bathtub. I doubt a house-elf will just arrive if I don't call one specifically. "Accio Severus Snape's clean sheets?" Part of the wall beside the bathroom door opens, and a set of sheets emerges from a wardrobe inside. I use Severus's wand again to put the new, clean sheets on his bed. Then I sit on the mattress and wait patiently. For a few minutes at least, before I stand and knock on the door. "Are you all right?"

"Clothes."

Right. I step toward the hole in the wall and open his wardrobe. I don't anticipate him leaving the headmaster's chambers today, so I merely grab a pair of underwear and one of his long nightshirts. "Can I come in?" I ask through the door.

"Yes."

I open the door to find him sitting on the edge of the tub, a towel wrapped around his waist, water dripping off his hair and down his chest. I sit next to him, his clothes in my lap. "What did he do to you?"

He takes the nightshirt and slides it over his soaking hair and chest, the material clinging to him wherever it gets wet. "There's not much to tell," he says quietly.

"Um, I'm pretty sure that's not true."

He pulls the shirt down over his head with a grunt and looks at me. "I'd just rather not tell, how about that?"

I take his hand. "I'm sorry he did that to you because of me. I—"

He gives my hand a squeeze. "It wasn't—"

"It was, and we both know it. Does he know about Azkaban? That you were involved?"

"No. He was angry about—well, the way you reacted to my torture. He dislikes that I have earned your respect and affection. You care about me. You hate him. It enrages him."

"What did he expect?"

"That you would stay as indifferent to me as you do him and Bellatrix."

"He's jealous?" I laugh. "That's ridiculous."

"Jealous isn't how I'd put it. He sees you as his possession, and his possession is rebelling against him by choosing others over him. You belong to him and should therefore treat him with respect and do as he says. You disrespect him and treat me—a half-blood—or Zoe—a Muggle-born—with more respect than you ever have him."

"I mean, you earned my respect. We hated one another for a really long time."

He braces on my shoulder to stand and slide on the underwear. Almost immediately he sits back down, basically out of breath, and picks up the towel to run it through his hair. "I still hate you sometimes," he says, a smirk on his lips.

I nudge his shoulder. "Sure." I stand up and offer him my help, which he willingly accepts without any frustrated comments or noises. "I think you need to rest today."

"That explains the clothing choice you gave me."

"You almost died. You need the rest."

"I wasn't planning to argue," he says he puts an arm around my shoulder again and allows me to assist him to the bed. Once lying down, he rolls onto his side to face me where I stand. "This is not your fault."

"I know that's not true."

"Charlotte—"

"I'm staying here for a while, at least until I know you're absolutely fine." He nods but doesn't say anything else, and I walk around to the other side of his bed and climb in. He stays quiet even as I scoot closer toward him and wrap my arm around him from behind and bury my face into his shoulder. I can feel his breathing and his heartbeat, both of which fill me with relief. He's alive. "I'm so sorry," I whisper.

His only answer is to cover my hand with his.

When I open my eyes again later, the sun is setting. Severus's chest still rises evenly with each breath, his heart still beating, and I press a kiss to his shoulder. He reaches toward the nightstand and grabs the last vial of potion, then rolls onto his back, forcing me tp move away a bit or be squashed, and puts the vial to his mouth. I watch him, smiling, as he drinks the potion without the need of any assistance in sitting up. He's stronger now. Better. "How're you feeling?"

"Sore. But I no longer feel like death."

"Good."

With a grunt of effort, he pushes himself up farther on the bed and leans against the headboard. He reaches over and grabs his wand, then summons a tray of food.

"I just changed these sheets. Don't get crumbs everywhere."

He grimaces at me, then takes a bite of a sandwich. "It's my bed. Are you hungry?"

I cross my legs beneath me and take a sandwich for myself. "Will you be all right?"

"Yes."

We finish our meal in relative silence. Then I get off the bed and take his wand in my hand once more. "I should be heading back before anyone realizes that I'm not back from Hogsmeade yet. I'll use someone else's wand to make myself visible again." I watch him for a moment, then walk toward him where he sits in the bed. "I—" Tears fill my eyes as I think about how I almost lost him, how Voldemort almost took him from me. I put my hand on his chest. "Severus, I—I never meant for him to—" I shake my head and stop the words from coming out.

He covers my hand with his. "Charlotte, I don't blame you."

I lean down and press a soft kiss to his lips, the tears slipping down my cheeks and turning our kiss salty. After a short moment, I pull away from him and rest my forehead against his. "I'm . . . I'm so sorry." I kiss him once more, than stand up straight.

He reaches up and takes my hand. "I'm fine."

I try to smile at him, but it's weak. "I'll see you later." I cast the Disillusionment Charm over myself, then place his wand in his hand and walk to the door.

Once the gargoyle closes behind me, I hear, "That took you a while, Miss Rodgers."

I turn around to see the Carrow twins sauntering toward me. Maybe if I don't answer, they'll think they're mistaken.

"We know you're there," Alecto says.

"Then you'll know why I was in Snape's office," I say. "The Dark Lord said to make sure he didn't die, and that's what I was doing."

"Checking on him took almost six hours? Or were you doing something else—"

"No. I was monitoring him. Making sure he had enough Blood-Replenishing Potion and that his wounds healed." A spell hits me in the stomach, and I watch in frustration as my body becomes visible again. "What do you want? I was obeying the Dark Lord."

"Are you sure you weren't trying to find your wand while Snape lay incapacitated?"

"If you want, you can check me for a wand. I don't have one on me."

Amycus steps toward me, and without my wand, I feel fearful enough to back away from him until I hit the wall. "We are not authorized to put a hand on you—something about how we tortured you earlier this year. You won that time, Rodgers. But this time, just know that it'd be wise not to push anyone's buttons. If any of the Slytherins who rightfully dislike you should happen to take up arms against you—well, you would be defenseless, wouldn't you?" He crowds farther into my space. "Just keep that in mind, Miss Rodgers. You're at the mercy of all those you've wronged."