CHAPTER 14

Father,

Regrettably, my actions from the other afternoon were discovered. I have lost my wand to the Death Eaters here at Hogwarts and will unfortunately be escorted anywhere outside of Hogwarts. I know you wanted me to visit, but I cannot currently do that. Perhaps I will be forgiven and will get my wand back, but it's not looking good. You know how he can be. I don't want to push my luck with him right now. It seems unnecessarily dangerous.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm fine. I haven't been hurt or anything. I'm just basically on lockdown. Also, I don't suggest leaving where you are because they're looking for you. He asked me where you are, and I told him you were protected with the Fidelius Charm. I doubt he'll spend much time or effort trying to get to you. You're not a top priority compared to the other things he's trying to do.

I have friends here who are watching my back. Stay safe. Try not to do anything too suspicious.

Your daughter

I fold up my letter to Rodolphus and slide it into an envelope. Searching for everything I needed to write and send a letter—things like a quill, parchment, and ink—took forever. Honestly, it's one of the more frustrating aspects of losing my wand. Being unable to Apparate to Severus's chambers, being unable to make myself invisible, being unable to defend myself against the likes of Pansy (so much so that my friends have taken to guarding me all the time, and while I appreciate how much they care, it is really beginning to annoy me. That sounds terrible. What I mean is that it's been difficult to have any time alone and it's killing me)—none of that is as obnoxious as not being able to summon things to myself at whim. How had I forgotten how frustrating it is to hunt for things?

It's the little things that really grate on my nerves about this no-wand thing because it's the little things that kept my life running smoothly even though I didn't give them much thought.

I stuff the letter into my robes next to the short letter for Severus and start to leave the dungeon, only to be caught by Ella who immediately falls into line with me. "Can I help you?" I ask as the door opens and I step out.

"I don't think so—I'm just coming with you." See, this is exactly what I was talking about. Sometimes it gets old never being alone. "So where're we going?"

I sigh. "The Owlery." I pat the letters in my robes. "I'm sending a letter."

"This should be fun."

"It's . . . it's sending a letter."

"I meant walking with you. We haven't had a chance to talk in a while." She smiles up at me (when she looks so young happy like that, I feel even worse wishing she would let me be alone) and falls into stride with me. "How are you?"

"I mean, I don't know. Normal, I guess. How are you?"

"I'm good. I hate saying that, but I am. I'm happy."

"Are you and Julia still good then?"

Her cheeks blush a bright red. "Yeah, we're great."

My eyes catch sight of a figure quickly dodging into a room, and I inwardly groan. The Carrows obviously haven't given up their stalking. "That's good," I say after a moment of silence.

"I miss Zoe," she says quietly.

Immediately, my throat begins burning and tears prick my eyes. I put my arm around Ella's shoulders, and she slides hers around my waist. "Yeah, me too. I don't really like going to the Three Broomsticks anymore," I confess. "It's . . . hard to deal with, you know?"

"I don't think I ever asked you . . . What—what actually happened to her?"

"I don't think you actually want to know, Ella. I wish I didn't know."

"It was that bad?"

I nod, growing uncomfortable at the memory of what Voldemort did that night. "He hurt her, Ella. You-Know-Who. Tortured her in front of me." Ella's arm tightens around me. "Killed her because I loved her." I close my eyes for a moment to collect myself, having not been prepared to relive her death today but accepting that there's no way to stop the vivid scene from flashing through my mind: watching her stick her hand in the fire and scream, throwing myself in front of her to take the Cruciatus Curse, begging for Voldemort to spare her, holding her lifeless body in my arms. My chest tightens. Do not panic, do not panic. It is in the past. Voldemort is not here; he cannot hurt you right now. With great effort, I take slow, even breaths, trying to persuade myself that Hogwarts is safe. I focus on Ella's kindness and the arm she has around my waist as we walk through the castle. This right here is real. He cannot harm me. He is not here. Just breathe. Just breathe.

"Do you love Daphne?"

"I love all of you."

"But I mean . . . do you like her?"

Another figure far ahead catches my eye, and I try to glance over my shoulder to see if there's another lurking spy. It's not Voldemort. Though I see no one, my gut tells me they're still following me around. And there's nothing I can even do about it because Voldemort is so angry with me and has unarmed me. I look over and catch her watching me and I realize I haven't answered her. "Oh. Um. No. I mean, I thought I did once. But I was just . . . grieving Zoe. It passed." Now I only really think about Severus that way. My cheeks grow warm, and I hope she can't see my blush at the thought.

I release her and turn around quickly, hoping to catch sight of a Carrow. I don't, of course, because luck never favors me, but I'm on to them. "What's going on?" she asks.

"I think the Carrows are following me."

Ella turns around as well, her eyes straining to see if there's anything behind us. Without a word she slips her hand into her robes and pulls out her wand. I smile at her spirit, knowing she could never fight off the Carrows, but then she surprises me—by sliding the wand into my hand and turning back around, leading me to the Owlery. "Do they follow you often?" she whispers.

"As of just recently. I pissed off You-Know-Who, and I think they believe they can torment me again without repercussions."

Keep it together; keep it together. You can breathe the cold outside air in just a moment. You can breathe calmly in the Owlery. Just hold it together, Charlotte.

We start up the stairs to the Owlery, Ella constantly glancing over her shoulder.

"We'll probably be fine up here," I tell her. "There's only one way in and out, and I doubt they'll want to be super conspicuous." Milo swoops down to me. "Hello. I'm sorry, but I can't use you today." He nips at my finger unhappily, then flies away. I take out the letter to Rodolphus and tie it around the leg of a brown Hogwarts owl. "Rabastan Lestrange, Lestrange Estate." The owl takes off, and I move to another Hogwarts owl and tie Severus's letter around its leg. Glancing over my shoulder, I see Ella standing by the stairwell, keeping watch, probably waiting to catch the Carrows so she can tell me, and whisper into this owl's ear so only it can hear me, "Severus Snape, Hogwarts." It hoots, then flies away.

Before I leave, I call to Milo one more time and feed him a cracker, then meet Ella by the exit. "I need to sit for a moment," I say breathlessly. She nods, and together we take a seat on the steps. I lean forward and cradle my head into my knees.

"Charlotte?" she says quietly.

"I'm fine," I whisper. "Just . . . struggling to breathe."

"Is it—did I say something?"

I shake my head. "No. This has been happening. It's the stress." And the terror. "Keep talking to me."

Her hands comes to a rest on my upper back, and she begins to gently rub it back and forth in a strangely comforting manner. "So you sent two letters? To who?"

"Nosy," I half-laugh. "It's probably best that you don't know. Then no one will try to question you."

"You say that like I'd break."

I lift up from my hunched position and turn my head toward the sky, breathing deeply. "You did slide me your wand when you heard that the Carrows have been stalking me."

"That was more for your benefit than for mine!"

I actually laugh, and she smiles proudly. The grip on my chest lessens. "Then here," I say, handing her wand back. "Just in case the Carrows find out that I have a wand on me. I'd hate for them to try to take yours, you know?"

She nudges me. "I've got your back if anyone jumps us. You can count on me."

I look down at this twelve-year-old, and my heart warms. "That means the world to me, Ella. Truly."

"Will you be all right?"

"Yes. Eventually. Hopefully."

She slides her arm through mine and rests her head on my shoulder. "We're here for you, Charlotte. All of us. You're not alone."

"Thank you."

We stay like that for another few minutes before I feel strong enough to stand and leave the Owlery behind. When we're back in the main part of the castle, despite the shadowy figures I continue to see, I tell Ella that I have to go speak with McGonagall and that she cannot go with me. Begrudgingly, she agrees and waves goodbye before wandering off, back to the Slytherin Dungeon.

Once I'm sure Ella is gone and out of earshot, I call out, "All right, Alecto, Amycus, you don't have to lurk in the corners. Ella's gone. If you want to accuse me of something, come on out. But I believe Snape has already established that—"

It's not the laughter of the Carrows that interrupts me. It's the laughter of someone I almost hate even more. Pansy. She comes around the corner, Tracey following closely behind her. "Don't look so scared, Charlotte," Pansy coos, sauntering toward me with too much spring in her step. "You've never been frightened of me before. Why should it be any different now? Unless, of course, something has changed?"

I stand my ground, but in the back of my mind is that obnoxious little voice pointing out the hard truth that I do not have a wand and am at their mercy should they decide to harm me. "Nothing's changed, Pansy," I say, fighting to keep my voice even. "I just finally realized that you're not even worth the effort of drawing my wand. Now why don't you—"

A spell rams into my chest and knocks me down, taking the breath out of me, which I just got back, you stupid bitch. "I have some questions, Charlotte. If you don't mind, that is."

Another spell lifts me, helpless, off the floor and carries me into one of the empty rooms, my voice silenced as I try to call out for help. Then I'm dropped unceremoniously onto the stone floor, and my voice returns. "You see," Pansy says, Tracey standing behind her with her wand still trained on me, "something strange happened the other night. I was wide awake, unable to sleep, when suddenly I woke up and it was the morning."

"So, it's weird that you fell asleep?" I ask, trying to contain my laughter. "That's hardly something to—" My voice is silenced once more. Tracey smirks at me.

"No, no. You're not listening to me," Pansy says, her voice light and airy way that makes my skin crawl. "I know what it's like to awaken from a Bewitched Sleep. I know what that feels like. And what surprises me the most, mind you, is that I didn't wake up in the late hours of the morning like these Tracey and Millicent did after the Bewitched Sleep. No, what surprises me is that I woke up incredibly early. They were already deep in sleep when someone bewitched them, but because I was not asleep before I was attacked, the spell didn't keep me under quite as long. So I woke up in the early hours of the morning, and after a short inspection of the dormitory, I discovered that you weren't in your bed. Now, I believe in coincidences. I really, really do. But me being placed under a Bewitched Sleep the very night you went missing, that's too much of a coincidence."

She motions at Tracey, and my voice returns to me. "I was in the common room," I say. "It's not my fault if—"

"That's a lie. I checked." She crouches down in front of me. "And I have a theory. Would you like to hear it?"

"I have a feeling I'm going to anyway." My chest tightens again. I can't breathe.

Another spell strikes my chest and knocks me flat onto my back.

"You are," Pansy says. "Crabbe and Goyle inform me you're close enough with You-Know-Who that none of us should touch you. The Carrows began this year in near terror of you—over time, of course, they seem to have come to their senses. You disappear one weekend of every month. Snape seems to protect you, if the snippets of your conversations are to be believed. You and Draco broke up after you met the Death Eaters, the Lestranges, over Christmas break our fifth year." She pauses, searching my face. "You used him, didn't you? Draco? You used him to get close to the Death Eaters. You're one of them, aren't you? You work for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, which is why the Carrows and Snape don't like you to get hurt." Her hands lunge forward and snag my arm to pull up my sleeve. There's nothing tattooed on me, of course, and she huffs angrily.

"That's disappointing," I say. "I really thought you were on to something." I close my eyes and focus on the cool stone floor beneath me. Breathe. Slowly. You're fine.

Her eyes narrow. "All right then. You might not be a Death Eater, but you do work for them, don't you? You weren't lying. Only you've done something wrong recently." She reaches for me again, but I am incapable of stopping her when Tracey hits me with the Freezing Charm. Her hands pat me down, searching for something, and when she doesn't find it, an evil grin spreads across her face. "You're missing your wand, Charlotte. I wonder what happened to it." She looks over at Tracey. "Silence her again for me, will you?" I feel the spell block out my voice. Then Pansy smiles wickedly. "Crucio!"

My throat burns with the effort to scream, my body writhing underneath the curse, but no one comes to save me because no one can hear me. Is this the helplessness Umbridge felt when I did this to her?

Suddenly the curse is released, and I attempt to catch my breath. It doesn't work. If Pansy actually thinks I'm working for Voldemort, why would she try something like this? Pansy looks at her wand with disgust, as if she doesn't understand why the curse stopped, and I can't help but smile at her failure to use the curse properly. The Silencing Charm fades away. "I've—I've been tortured with that curse—by Bellatrix Lestrange herself," I wheeze out. "Do you really—think you're as talented as she is?"

Pansy lunges and grabs me around the neck. Please, I can't breathe. "I know you're working for You-Know-Who. How do you think the other students—particularly your friends in those other Houses—will respond to this knowledge when they find out what you do? When they all find out, nowhere in this castle will be safe. How will a wandless servant of You-Know-Who fare against all his enemies within the castle walls? I won't have to do anything but sit back and watch as your so-called allies take you down themselves."

I lie back down on the stones when they leave the room, gasping for air that I can't get. Black spots blur my vision. He adores your mother—call him for help and he might come. "Kreacher!" I cry out. To my surprise, he appears beside me. "Find Severus. Please." With a loud crack!, he disappears. Moments later, Severus is beside me with a vial at my lips.

"Drink this," he says softly. "Take a breath."

I obey, trusting that whatever he tells me to do will help me, and as usual, it does—Severus never lets me down. While trying to bring my heart rate down, letting the potion seep into my system and spread throughout my body in a comforting warmth, I take ahold of his hand. "Thank you," I whisper. "Thank you."

"You called upon Kreacher?" he asks, sitting down on the floor beside me.

"He loves my mother. I took my chances that he would show up."

Severus nods. "I'm glad you thought of him. Otherwise . . ." That statement hangs there for a few harsh seconds. Would I have suffocated? Or would I have passed out and eventually, naturally, taken a breath and lived? Whatever the answer, I don't care. Calling upon Kreacher brought Severus to me, meaning I would do it the same way again.

"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. I realize now that had I passed out, I likely would've just breathed subconsciously."

"Do not apologize. You were frightened and alone, and there was no need for you to suffer like that. When you had awoken, who knows if you would've been able to calm down again enough to find help. Do not apologize for trying to reach me when you need me."

I rest my head on his shoulder. "Thank you, Severus."

"You're welcome, Charlotte."

For a couple of minutes, we sit in silence, and I focus on breathing evenly, trying to convince myself of my safety even though I know it's a lie, at least while I'm wandless, while Voldemort lives, while I am trapped in this horrid life. Severus is the one to break the silence. "Care to talk about what happened, why you're in here?"

I nod. "Went to the Owlery with Ella. Thought the Carrows were following us, so I had Ella leave and go to the common room. It wasn't the Carrows—it was Pansy and Tracey. They wanted to see if I truly didn't have my wand. I'm guessing the Carrows told them. They roughed me up a bit, but I'm fine. The real issue is that they know for certain now that I am unarmed." I huff. "Bet the Dark Lord wouldn't even care that I'm in danger here so long as he can flex his power over me."

"I'm working on that," he says.

"I'm grateful. Can we go back to your chambers? Just briefly while I calm down completely. Then I need to go to the dungeons before Ella sounds the alarm."

Severus takes my hand and Apparates out of the classroom with me. We come to a stop on the sofa in his quarters, and I sigh with relief. Being in this room instantly brings a calmness over me; here, nothing can harm me. No one can break in and hurt me, and if somehow they managed it, Severus would protect me, undoubtedly. This office, his private chambers, have become my safe space, the single place within the castle walls where I am free from all watchful eyes, free from the constant threat of the Carrows, free to really and truly be myself, be happy, be content.

Never would I have guessed that this wizard, this man who came to Malfoy Manor to bring me here against my will would be the single greatest lifeline I would ever have. He was once my enemy, and now that couldn't be further from the truth. "I hope you know how much I truly appreciate you."

"I believe you've told me." He smiles down at me, then very gently extricates himself and makes his way toward his office door. "I will return momentarily."

It's not a lie—less than a minute later, Severus returns, carrying a jar of liquid and a three empty vials. "This finished brewing yesterday," he informs me, taking a seat with me again. "It's the potion I've been giving you. I want you to take the jar with you and keep it in your trunk. Carry these vials with you for when you need them." He waves his wand; the potion fills the three vials, and half of the remainder in the jar enters a smaller jar that appears on the coffee table before us. "I will keep some in here. Keep a vial on you at all times. Call for an elf if it doesn't help and have them find me."

I take the vials and the small jar and hold them tightly against me. "Thank you." Then I press a kiss to his cheek. "I can't explain how much I appreciate you, Severus."

We sit on the sofa there for almost half an hour before I need to head down to the dungeons before my friends begin to search the castle for me. He agrees, takes me hand, and Apparates me to the usual bathroom. Then he Disapparates, leaving me alone.

Relief floods Ella's face when I return to the common room. "Charlotte!" She rushes over to me and drags me over to the table where the rest of them sit. "We were about to start hunting. What happened with the Carrows?"

I glance over at where Pansy and Tracey sit with Crabbe and Goyle. "Nothing much. Just some standard questions."

She nods understandingly, and Daphne stands up. "C'mon, Charlotte. You look exhausted. I'll walk with you up to the dormitory."

I don't argue, instead letting her lead me away. All my friends give me a sympathetic, understanding look, and that only serves to embarrass me. What did Ella tell them? I'd most likely prefer not to know.

"How are you?" Daphne asks as we take a seat on my bed.

"What did Ella tell you?" I don't want to admit to more than what's necessary.

"You struggled to breathe at one point."

I nod. "Yes. That has been happening lately." I produce the vials and the jar from my pockets. "But I have this now." I place one vial and the jar in my trunk. "It'll help calm me." I hand her one of the vials. "Please keep this with you. In case . . . I don't know, in case I need your help."

"I'll guard it with my life. Did you get this from Slughorn?"

"No. From Snape. He started brewing it—recently, I guess." She watches me closely, silently prompting me to continue. "Last time I was at the manor, I had a panic attack. It wasn't the first time, but I couldn't breathe and—well, I asked the Dark Lord for help. I believe Snape started brewing the potion after that. He had to give me some then, and he just gave me the jar."

She nods. "I'll make sure to keep this on my person at all times, Charlotte. You won't have to go through that again, I promise."