CHAPTER 15

I sit down on my bed and close the curtains, wishing I could wave my wand to prevent anyone from hearing me. Not that I'll be reading this letter aloud, but I don't want anyone to my whereabouts at all. Looking down at the vial in my hand gives me strength because regardless of what this new letter from Bellatrix is about to say to me, I have something here to prevent a panic attack, to prevent me from losing my breath. That does not mean that I'm wholly comfortable or prepared to read what she has decided to say, but it definitely helps me brace for whatever is to come.

I will need to thank Severus once more for his generosity. He's far too kind to me, and while my gratitude knows no bounds, it's unclear how to get that point across to him more easily so he actually, truly understands how much he means to me and how much I appreciate him and how I would be lost without him.

I'll need to go to his quarters in less than an hour. He knows Bellatrix wrote to me and will undoubtedly request to know what she said, but for now, I have time to read her words and let them sink in.

With a steadying breath and one last glance at the vial, I open her letter.

Aurelia,

Frankly, I almost rip up the letter as soon as I read that name. If she can't be bothered to respect that I am not Aurelia, I am Charlotte, then why give her any of my time? Still, though, my eyes continue down the page because I am weak and need to know.

Reports have made it to the manor regarding your well-being. Snape tells the Dark Lord that he has had to brew you a potion. While I know this is still not easier for you, I am grateful to know that you have someone looking after you while I cannot.

Do not think I am unaware of our differences. I know you will never view what you must do as an honor, but I know that my reaction over Christmas was not what you had hoped. It is not something I ever wished to see, but I cannot change what is to happen. You know that I cannot change his mind. To say I have tried is an understatement, but ultimately, he knows best.

A tear slips down my cheek. Because she tried to talk the Dark Lord out of murdering me? Because if even she could not convince him to go another route, then who possibly could? Because I almost believed she would have enough sway over him to help me out of this death even though she was never truly upset about my fate? Regardless of the reason, I wipe the tear and glance over at the vial, but that's not necessary yet. None of this really comes as a shock to me. Of course Voldemort would not change his mind. Why would he?

That is not to say that I have given up trying to reach you, Aurelia. I want to make the most of our time together, whatever amount that might be. I regret that your father was punished as he was and that you went to such dangerous lengths to rectify it. I do not want that to ruin what time we have to spend together.

I will be awaiting you at the manor for you on your upcoming trip. Everything else that I wish to say to you must be in person, lest our discussion be intercepted.

Love,

Your mother

I lean back against the bed's headboard and close my eyes. Part of me struggles to believe that she even spoke with Voldemort about sparing me. If she believes it to be such an honor, why should she try to stop him? But there's this nagging voice in my head telling me that the reason she has approached him about sparing me is simple: she loves me. Why else would she risk his wrath?

You can't plan for that, Charlotte. You have loads of evidence of her apathy toward you and your well-being. Don't fool yourself into thinking she actually cares. It just causes pain later.

With my eyes closed so I can fully debate with myself with no distractions, I sit on the bed for what feels like a decent amount of time trying to settle with myself whether she loves me or not before I hear, "Charlotte, everything all right?"

"Yeah."

"Can I open the curtain?"

"Yeah."

Daphne pokes her head around the curtain and takes a seat on the foot of my bed. "Was it rough?"

"No, but she seems to want to talk to me when I arrive at the manor tomorrow. So there's that." I look at my pocket watch. "I don't have much time. Snape doesn't like not knowing what Death Eaters say to me through letters, so I'm supposed to take this to him."

"Even if that Death Eater is your mother?"

"Especially then." I almost grin at that. "Can I borrow your wand?" She hands it over without question, and I cast the Disillusionment Charm over myself. "Tell the others I'm fine but just want to be alone for bit, yeah? Make sure they don't think I'm going off the rails again."

"I can do that."

"See you later."

She says goodbye, and I make my way down to the common room and out of the dungeons, nervous about telling Severus that Bellatrix wants to speak with me again. As long as this vial is with me, I should likely be perfectly fine in her presence. Maybe it'll be the last time I ever actually have to be alone with her. That might be kind of nice. I wish Voldemort would punish her in a way that would benefit me: keeping her away from me. But he would never do anything to benefit me, so I'm not too shocked he has granted her permission to take me off alone again and have a conversation with me.

I turn the corner in the corridor and spy Ginny, Neville, Seamus, and Michael in the process of writing the D.A.'s calling on the wall. The coward in me has to commend them and respect them for continuing to needle at the Carrows like this. Stop discrediting yourself; you regularly defy Voldemort. I roll my eyes at the thought.

As I get closer to the group, Neville's voice reaches me, saying, "Because we do."

"But what about her leaving Snape's office?" Michael counters. A brief anger flares in my chest. That was supposed to be kept a secret, and he's already told so many people. Perhaps he just didn't want me to be the person who told the story in case I told it in a way that makes him look bad. Which it should. He attacked a fellow D.A. member for nothing more than speculation about what was going on. While I understand there were extenuating circumstances, it's still enraging. At least this, time it's just these three Gryffindors, two of whom already know the truth me, so it's not quite as bad if they know I was in Severus's office.

"She had to have had a good reason for going up there," Ginny says.

"Yeah, like discussing where Luna was taken," Michael says bitterly. I thought we settled this. "She knows where Luna is being kept, I just know it." Well, he's not wrong.

"You have no proof of that." Neville tries to keep his voice calm, probably to stop Michael from growing angrier.

"Why else would she have been with Snape if they weren't—"

"Didn't Snape stop the Carrow from permanently addling your mind with the Cruciatus Curse?" Neville says. I almost cringe for him—it must be so terribly difficult for him to say things like that.

Michael does not seem convinced. In fact, he almost seems angrier. "Sure, but that's only because it would look bad on Snape if a professor at Hogwarts drove a student to insanity while under his regime." Well, that probably was part of it. "I'm warning you," Michael continues, "she might claim to be a part of the D.A., but if I were you, I wouldn't trust her with too much of the information. She talks to the Carrows, Neville. She talks to Snape. Something's off about it. I'm not saying she's a traitor, I'm just saying the possibility is there."

I huff.

"Couldn't any one of us be a traitor?" Ginny points out.

"But the probability of that is much smaller considering that none of us have regular contact with the Death Eater professors. Did you not notice that's she gone a lot?"

"How do you know she's gone?" Ginny says.

Michael clenches his jaw. "Because she's often missing from her group of friends. Because she wasn't in Hogsmeade like she told her friends she'd be. Because—"

"Have you been spying on her?" Ginny asks quickly, almost angrily.

"I don't trust her."

Ginny grimaces. "That stops, Michael. It stops now. You have no real reason to distrust her besides your unfounded accusations. Leave her to us. If we discover that she's a liar, we'll deal with it. With the D.A. Until then, back off."

For almost two minutes, I stand there, debating what to do. Yes, Severus wanted me to come to his office, but if non-Slytherins are recognizing that I'm gone sometimes, I have to wonder if it's been a topic of conversation. That idea grips my gut with fear—what if they start to actually question what I'm doing when I'm gone?

With that in mind, I change course, no longer going in Severus's direction but rather in McGonagall's. By the time I reach her office, I'm almost in a full-blown panic, my breath quickening but not allowing air in. If too many people start to wonder about me, will Voldemort view Hogwarts as a liability for me? Will he remove me?

Will he make me leave Severus? Will he make me see my mother?

Blood pounds in my ears. I can't breathe. What if I have to leave Hogwarts forever? What will I do if I can't see Severus, confide in him, as I need to?

I can't breathe.

My fists bang the door louder than I intend, but no part of me truly cares because this is too important to risk her not hearing my knocks. McGonagall opens the door quickly, haggard and almost looking ready for a fight. "Professor, it's me, Charlotte."

She motions me into her office, and with a wave of her wand she makes me visible again. "Rodgers, what's happened?"

"Hang—hang on." I frantically pull the vial of potion from my pockets and drink it. "Hang on—sorry, hang on." I close my eyes and allow the magic to work, to calm me, to make breathing possible again. Then I stuff the vial back into my pocket.

"What was that?"

I exhale pointedly, dispelling my panic. "Something so I can breathe," I say. "Severus had to brew it because—because I've been—well, I've been having panic attacks. The Dark Lord had him brew that for me so that I can breathe when they happen. The potion calms me. It's—it's relatively new."

She nods, concern on her face. "Do you have more?"

"Yes, in my trunk. And he has more as well."

She takes a seat behind her desk and gestures for me to sit where I always do. Once seated, she says, "Did you come here because you were panicking?"

I sigh. "No, I came because I overhead some students in the hallway talking." Hopefully Severus will be understanding that I've missed our scheduled time since I just discovered this awful truth. "People have been noticing that I'm gone, Professor. They're beginning to suspect things—like that I might be working for the Dark Lord."

Her eyes soften, and my stomach plummets. Why does her expression look so concerned? What's going on? "It's not only the students," she admits. "Professors Flitwick and Sprout have asked me similar questions. They're curious as to why you leave, just as they are curious as to why Snape has been present for meals and why he stopped Amycus from torturing Mr. Corner longer than he did."

I'll have to tell Severus that people are realizing that I'm gone so much, but that's hardly the important part of what's happening right now. Everyone knows he works for the Dark Lord, so it's no big deal for them to question him, but if they think I'm serving the Dark Lord . . . "I . . ." Don't even really know what to say to her right now. I feel my head nodding but can't stop myself or look away from her. "All right," I force out. "That's . . . not good." I look away from her, debating what I can do about this, trying to figure out if there's any way to salvage what's left of this "Charlotte Rodgers" cover I've been living under for so long. Severus could probably help me. He might have ideas. I shouldn't waste any more time here, should go to his office immediately. This is something he needs to know.

"Rodgers—"

"This is really bad, Professor." She just watches me in silence. "If the Dark Lord suspects my cover of being blown—he might remove me from Hogwarts. Put me in that fucking cellar again. Lock me in Azkaban again. I—" I close my eyes again. The dementors are not here; they are not here; they are NOT here. "I can't go through that again, I can't."

"Charlotte, we won't allow you to go there. If the worst happens and he tries to pull you out of Hogwarts, the Order will hide you away."

"As if you'd even know if he were going to do that!" I shout, accidentally. "Sorry. It's just, if he does it when I leave for the manor as usual . . . it's not like I can Apparate away. No wand."

"We will come and find you should you not return from the manor."

I try briefly to imagine the Order of the Phoenix storming Malfoy Manor to save me, but the thought is so ludicrous that it can't even take shape. The Order let me suffer in the "manor" the entire summer. The Order has never considered me a priority. The only person who might come to my rescue is McGonagall, but despite how talented she is, she would never be able to take out all the Death Eaters at the manor. It would be a lost cause. If Charlotte Rodgers is removed from Hogwarts, there will be no return.

Sadness weighs heavy on my chest, fear slowly starting to rise in me. I exhale slowly, then say, "Would you mind making me invisible again?"

"I don't think—"

A knock at the door cuts her off, and despite my best effort, it actually makes me flinch. The Dark Lord would not knock. Dementors would not knock. Your mother would not knock. You are fine. McGonagall eyes me, an expression of concern (likely because of my flinch), as she opens the door to reveal Daphne standing there, wide-eyed. "Charlotte," she says, sounding relieved, "the Carrows are looking for you."

My mouth goes dry. Is this it? "What? Why?"

"Well, they're not looking for you, exactly, but they're in the dungeon so I think it'd be best if you—Charlotte, they're going to wonder why you're out after curfew. We have to head back."

"If they're in the common room, then it's too late already," I say, the desire to take McGonagall's broom and go out her window and escape pricking at the back of my mind. I cannot be locked away in the manor right now. I cannot do that.

"Not in the common room," she amends. "They look like they're patrolling. So we need to go now so we can get around them and back into the dungeon without them seeing us."

I exhale slowly and look to McGonagall. "I guess I need to leave, Professor."

"There's no need to run around the castle hiding around corners," she says. "I will escort the both of you back, and if the Carrows dislike it, they can take it up with the professor who kept you both out late."

"That's not necessary," Daphne says evenly. "We can avoid them easily." McGonagall narrows her eyes suspiciously, eliciting a frustrated sigh from Daphne who stands up straighter. "I've always so admired your protectiveness over the students at Hogwarts, Minerva, but right now, you are in my way." A spell shoots from Daphne's wand and strikes McGonagall in the chest, but before she can fall to the floor, a spell grabs her, carries her gently to her chair, and sets her down.

With no wand, I result to the only way I know how to protect McGonagall in this moment: I dive toward the imposter and tackle them to the floor, striking their nose with my elbow and wrapping my hands tightly around their throat. "Who are you?" A spell lifts me off the fake Daphne and freezes me in place. She then aims her wand at McGonagall again. "Please don't hurt her!" I cry out.

She looks at me and almost seems to roll her eyes. "I don't plan to hurt her, Charlotte, but she cannot remember this interaction this way. She will remember Daphne arriving to retrieve you before curfew."

Then she comes toward me, takes my hand, and Apparates. Right to Severus's chambers. "Wh-what?" I stammer.

The Daphne impersonator walks over to the nightstand and drinks something.

Very gradually, her hair begins to recede, and a deep annoyance fills my chest as I begin to realize what has happened. When at last the Polyjuice Potion has been reversed, Severus turns to me in a pair of robes that are too short and too tight for him. And that's when I realize that they're actually mine. Those are mine. He's wearing my robes, and he's stretching them, and he's tricked me for no reason. Took me away from my conversation with McGonagall for no reason. "What the hell, Severus."

"Do you have any idea how—don't you realize that there are—you cannot—" He pinches the bridge of his nose, then flinches and seems to regret his action because I have so recently hit it. He waves his wand and breathes deeply through his nose. "There are people in this castle who want to harm you, Charlotte," he says. "And you are wandless right now. Do you realize how—when you didn't show up, I thought—" He stops and stares at me for a moment, his eyes furious. "When you didn't arrive when we agreed upon, I thought one of them had hurt you. I thought one of them had . . ."

"So you pretended to be my friend and snatch me from McGonagall's office?" I ask coldly. "How dare you. That's so fucked up."

"I thought you had died! What was so important that it couldn't wait until tomorrow, Charlotte? What was so important that you couldn't wait to speak with her until after you returned tomorrow?"

"You . . . are you serious? Something came up."

"I thought you'd been attacked, and all you're going to say to me is that 'something came up'?"

"So you hunted me down and hurt McGonagall—"

"She is unharmed! I thought you were dead or dying, Charlotte! The Carrows informed me that they told Pansy you were wandless. You failed to show up, and it seemed reasonable to believe that she might have cornered you again. I had to search the castle, had to ensure your safety."

"That doesn't mean you can impersonate—"

"If I hadn't impersonated her, I never would've found you."

"I was fine!"

"But you won't always be, Charlotte! Impersonating Miss Greengrass allowed me to ask questions without raising suspicions. I did what I had to do to ensure your safety."

This takes the wind out of my sails, and I sit down. "I appreciate the concern, but I was with McGonagall, and we were having an important conversation. I wasn't just gallivanting around, Severus." He does not reply, so I continue, "She told me that students and professors realize I go missing." He grimaces. "What do you think is going to happen when people start asking questions? I went to McGonagall's office because Michael Corner knows I wasn't in Hogsmeade. He knows I go missing. And now I know that Sprout and Flitwick know that I leave as well."

Severus watches me for a moment. "You could have gone to her later, Charlotte. You could have let me know that no one had tried to hurt you."

I sigh and bite my tongue briefly. "You're right. I didn't think you'd be that worried. I should have told you what I was doing. I'm sorry."

He nods and motions toward me but loses his voice for a second, then says, "I shouldn't have pretended to be Miss Greengrass to pull you away from Minerva. I'm sorry."

I nod back at him. "Do we need to start making plans for when people start asking questions?" He just watches me. "Plans for if the Dark Lord decides to pull me out of Hogwarts because too many people take notice of my absences."

Severus takes a seat beside me. "Is that something you're concerned about?"

"Yes." I exhale, then allow myself to smile. "I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously in those robes."

He looks down at himself and grimaces. "One moment." Then he stands and retrieves his own clothes and begins changing into them. "You're worried the Dark Lord will remove you from Hogwarts?"

"Are you not? If people start questioning who I am and starting piecing things together, is it not possible that he will find it dangerous for me here? If the truth comes out, would he not remove me from Hogwarts to ensure no one can smuggle me away from him?"

He sits down beside me again and takes my hand. "I suppose it is possible."

"I can't—the idea of leaving fills me with such dread." I look away from him. "How could I possibly survive without you at this point? And if I'm taken from Hogwarts, you know he won't let me come back to see you."

His eyes soften. "That won't happen. As a matter of fact, I think I know how to solve the issue of your absences." I raise my eyebrows at him, prompting him to continue. "When you go to the manor, I will simply Polyjuice myself into you and roam the castle as a student. The Carrows, of course, will not know until they need to. But no one else will ever be aware, and Charlotte Rodgers will be seen around the castle. That should put a stop to some of the questions."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Yes."

I love him.