THE SHE-WOLF AND THE RAVEN
Chapter 21: Memories
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
Since you've gone and left me, there's been so little beauty,
But I know I saw it clearly through your eyes.
Now the world outside is such a cold and bitter place,
Here inside I have few things that will console.
.-.-.-.
And when I try to hear your voice above the storms of life,
Then I remember all the things that I was told.
I think on the things that made me feel so wonderful when I was young.
I think on the things that made me laugh, made me dance, made me sing.
I think on the things that made me grow into a being full of pride.
I think on these things, for they are true.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
I thought that you were gone, but now I know you're with me,
You are the voice that whispers all I need to hear.
.-.-.-
I know a please a thank you and a smile will take me far,
I know that I am you and you are me and we are one,
I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand,
I know that I've been blessed again, and over again.
I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me,
To see the beauty in the world through my own eyes.
ooooo
Fenris woke just before the sun and rolled over in the simple Midgardian peasant's bed. In the vanishing darkness, he could still make out the quiet sounds of the she-wolf's breaths and he leaned over to ghost a kiss on her warm cheek. She gave a soft sound but failed to wake.
The woolen blanket covering them both had fallen just enough to allow him to run one finger along the rich, smooth plane of her bare back, her breath causing the angles to rise and fall like quiet waves on the sea. The pale, grey light from the bedroom window fell upon the full curves of her lips and the dark cascade of hair and he allowed himself to watch her, unhindered and unobserved.
For so long, he had refused to permit himself the full admiration of the she-wolf's allure.
It is the enchantment, he had told himself. My senses are bewitched and unable to see clearly.
So he had refused to let his eyes drink in what he now freely imbibed. Succumbing to their bond opened his eyes while blinding him and he willingly accepted his own enthrallment to her charms.
Over the past week, ever since their conversation in Norway, they were not so much changed as they were returned to what they had once been. The pair slowly morphed back to the lingering brushes, the constant contact, and the reassurances of warmth and presence that had been so instinctual to their lives as mated wolves. As he succumbed to the relentless pull of their bond, their interactions gained a growing heat that threatened to incinerate whatever second thoughts he once held.
Of course, the proud she-wolf would never deign to admit her feelings out loud, but he knew them nonetheless.
She adored him.
He could test and play, exasperate and irritate, push and pull, and still she could not help but be his. In his very captivity, he experienced freedom for the she-wolf knew his most dastardly deeds and darkest motivations, his deepest insecurities and most vulnerable wounds, and still she remained alongside him, ready to rejoice or mourn, frolic or fight, as was required.
She accepted him at his weakest and that freed him to walk in his strength.
For his part, he delighted in his ability to summon her unrestrained laughter and erase the long-harbored sadness from her dark eyes. Something within her healed and righted on the day he surrendered to their bond and he could not help but gloat over his influence.
It was as if a master mason chipped away the remaining shards of stone preventing two stones from joining in perfect harmony. On that day, they slid into place with a resounding crash that echoed through both their souls and neither would ever be the same again.
Though, of course, he would never tell her that.
(He didn't need to. She already knew.)
With a final caress of his lips in her hair, he left her to linger undisturbed in her dreams. His own sleep had been restful. The calm, quiet of her constant presence dulled the biting edge of terror from his dreams and he could again find his repose. He inhaled deeply, letting the scent so unique to her wash over him one last time before leaving to seek a time of solitude.
Their past days had been so caught up in the social whirlwinds of farewell feasts and wedding banquets, travels and homecomings, that now he longed for silence like a tree yearns for sunlight.
The dark shapes of pines just began to form silhouettes against they grey dawn as he slipped out of the Clearwater's cottage. He wandered deeper into the dense forest which dripped with perennial moisture. It sank into the very bark of the pines as moss and permeated the soil with ferns and soaked his very breath with condensation.
His solitude was not to last. As he walked, his quiet was disturbed by a crackling in the air. A gathering bundle of storm clouds darkened the softer grey of the ever-present clouds as if dark ink poured in ash.
"Brother," boomed the familiar voice that accompanied the loud feet crashing upon the forest floor behind him.
Fenris gave an impassive nod to his burly, bearded companion. Thor, still in red checkered, ill-fitting night clothes and well-worn Asgardian boots, nodded his own head in response.
"The King of Asgard awakens with the dawn after a night of revels. Has Muspelheim frozen over?" Fenris quipped.
Thor only peered upwards through the opaque coniferous canopy and lifted one hand to catch the rain. A light drizzle crept through the branches and dusted both brothers with pinpricks of moisture.
"Why are you here?" Fenris asked. He continued to walk through the forest and Thor trailed after, still mulling his intended words like a cow chews its cud and Fenris knew this would not be a short conversation.
"Why, brother? Before all Asgard, you have forsaken your given name and title. You claim Mother's line but forsake Father's," Thor said without turning to face Fenris.
Fenris grumbled under his breath as he realized Thor's intent. He had known he could not avoid this. Since the day of the Battle Ring, he had diligently avoided this conversation, but he knew his actions would trouble Thor. Thor was nothing if not obstinate and Fenris could not escape him or distract him forever.
Fenris failed to answer at first so Thor reached out to grab the back of his neck and peered too closely into his eyes. The myriad of taunts, jests, and witticisms Fenris instinctively compiled evaporated on his tongue as he met the beseeching stare from Thor's one remaining eye.
From the one remaining Son of Odin.
From the last king to be crowned in Asgard.
Fenris sighed and pulled away from his brother. He walked slowly and allowed Thor's momentary sobriety influence his own.
"Yes, Thor," he answered in earnest.
Thor watched his brother closely and then closed his eyes. His muscled arms crossed over his ample chest as he let an undisguised parade of emotions cross his face.
"Mother called me a failure," Thor finally said, "when I went back to fetch the Aether. It was the day the Dark Elves came...right before, well, before..." He grimaced. Then he struck down a tree branch with a soggy crack and swung the moss-laden branch in front of him as if it were a shield.
Fenris waited, recognizing Thor's hesitation as born out of uncertainty on how to continue and not out of waiting for his response.
"'Everyone fails at who they are supposed to be, Thor,' she told me. 'The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are...And you're going to be the man you're meant to be.'"
Thor gave a rueful half-smile. He threw the unfortunate branch away with such force that it left a dent against the bark of the receiving spruce tree.
"I am not meant to be king," Thor continued. "I need to find out who I am meant to be. But you, you were always born to be a king."
Fenris stopped short and abruptly swung around to face his brother, his eyes flashing.
"No, Thor," Fenris said in a low voice. "That is a lie. My 'birthright was to die...cast out on a frozen rock' in Jotunheim. The All-Father told me so himself in some of the last words he ever spoke to me before casting me out of his sight forever. He informed me, quite eloquently, that you are meant to fix my mistakes, bring order to the Nine, and rule as king. The lie was in ever telling me I was born to be a king. I was not.
"You were, Odin's son. Your fate, since you took your first breath, was to rule Asgard as king, whether that be your desired path or no."
Thor grunted and kicked his boot against a rotten log. It crumpled beneath his efforts and he faced his brother with a deep sadness in his voice.
"Aye. Lok...Fenris, you must know. Father, in his last days, was a broken man. The loss of mother, of you, the destruction of Asgard- it was too much for him. His mistakes were many and he gave voice to words he later wished remained unspoken."
"Do not make excuses for his words spoken in anger. They were spoken from the heart and were never repealed."
"Nay, I could not. For long we thought father omniscient and without fault. We thought Asgard omnipotent and everlasting," Thor said.
"We were all proved fools."
"Aye."
"It took some of us longer to admit our mistakes than others."
"Aye...My mistakes are many and I pray you may extend your forgiveness to me one day, though I am undeserving. But also, that you may extend the same to our Father. He loved you, whether he spoke it or showed it well or no...," Thor began but Fenris cut him off with a harsh glare and a dagger planted in the tree trunk a hair's width from Thor's head.
"You were a proud, selfish, oblivious oaf. That I can forgive. But do not pretend he cared. He threw me away like a broken sword and never gave me a second glance. Who of the House of Odin visited me during my imprisonment? Who inquired after my continued existence?
"You asked me why I still claim the line of Frigga and there is your answer. Tell me, brother, when the only person in Asgard who still claimed me died, who came to share with me the news? Who mourned with me? Where was I when her final rites were performed?"
"It was the work of your own hands which led to your imprisonment," his brother said with the all-too familiar rising hackles of accusation.
Fenris gave a derisive snort. "So I was told-by Odin, by Frigga, and now by you."
"Do you still deny it?"
"Am I not permitted whatever dwindling shreds of pride still remain or was I to lose that along with everything else?
"What is it you expected of me? To parade myself through the halls of Asgard in mourning garments and with cries of public repentance? To declare myself more of a blight on the House of Odin than I already knew myself to be? To plead with all Asgard for their mercy upon my wicked hands?
"No, Thor. Mercy has ever proved more of a curse than a virtue upon my life. It was by the mercy of our father that I was forced into living a lie instead of dying as a babe. It was by the corrupt and twisted mercy of Thanos that I was plucked from the void and sent to Midgard as a conqueror. It was by the mercy of our mother that I was imprisoned instead of reaping my just reward on the blade of an ax. Yet all punished me with life in captivity and denied me the one true mercy, the one true freedom, I sought."
Thor visibly slumped and his face fell as realization came to him. "You...wished to die?"
"It was my birthright...and your honored aim. Did you not wish to end all the Frost Giants? If not even by the attempted conquest of Midgard I can reap death, than I am indeed a failure."
Thor gaped as if Fenris had struck him instead of merely speaking words and he sat upon a jagged tree stump with his head supported in his hands.
"You still court death?"
"Nay, Thor. Loki met his end on the plains of Svartalfheim. He achieved his glorious purpose. Now I wish to live a life forged not by the hand of Odin or the shadow of Thor or the whims of Asgard, but of my own choosing.
"You once told me that the throne would suit me ill. I now agree with you. But you, Thunderer, were born and fated to rule Asgard and bring order to the Nine and continue the line of Odin.
"Thus, I claim you as brother through the line and love of Frigga, but only hers. Do not ask for more."
"It is more than I believed to be possible. You still live and that is more than I could have hoped for after I watched you die before me...again," Thor answered.
"Yes, well, let us leave all that in the past, shall we?"
Thor nodded solemnly. He plucked another branch and tapped it against the roots of the stump. Fenris paced the forest floor in front of him, his boots making trails of dark green through the silver water droplets coating the leaves of the undergrowth.
"Thor, I will once more grant you advice and for the good of all, I pray you heed it," Fenris said.
"Speak, brother."
"We are not always so fortunate as the be the author of our circumstances. I no more wished to be a Frost Giant masquerading as an Aesir than you wished to be the King of Asgard ruling in exile on Midgard.
"Thor, you have a throne and a wife-both not of your choosing. Be that as it may, Asgard and her queen are still yours, whether you wish them to be or no. Do not lose what you have. Tend well what you hold in your hands and you will reap your just rewards, though the plowing and planting may not come easy. Strive to become the king you were always meant to be."
Thor gave a heavy, care-laden sigh, but nodded. "Your words are wise, brother. I will heed them."
He tossed his stick away and it fell into a nearby fern.
"Thor, the Aesir cannot stay peaceably on Midgard as you are," Fenris continued. "While you are but few and weakened, you may, but the Aesir will not remain so. As you grow in strength and number, the fragile, short-lived Midgardians will learn to fear you-and justly so. You cannot possibly fulfill the Aesir thirst for strength and glory and maintain peaceful relations with the little Midgardians."
"Sif has long warned me of the same, though I wish it were not so. But where are we to go? What other realm will sustain us?"
"You must settle a land without inhabitants. Thor, we witnessed the final breathes of the last of the Dark Elves. Their realm is free of inhabitants."
"Brother, surely you jest! Svartalfheim is naught but a barren wasteland."
"Where is your vision and ambition now, oh king? While its previous inhabitants may have used their realm ill, it is not without potential. Sun and light are plentiful, as is well-fallowed soil. What is there which cannot be cured if tended properly? Nothing a few regular years of rainstorms could not fix. I happen to know one quite gifted in summoning rain."
"But the soil itself is ruined," Thor protested. Fenris raised his hands to stop him.
"It is nothing some simple earth magic could not fix. If your wife spent more time honing her innate gifts for magic rather than frittering away her time on the battle field, she could perhaps prove useful in such a venture."
"Sif?" Thor asked, confusion evident on his face.
"Do you have another wife I should be informed of? Of course, Sif."
"But Sif has no knowledge of magic."
"Does it follow she has no latent, undeveloped abilities? She may have preferred the honor and respect garnered by pursuing a warrior's path, but she has long ignored her other potentials. You may find that some time among the mages of Alfheim would give the Queen of Asgard other gifts for her people than can be achieved with a well-honed blade."
At Thor's frozen expression of bafflement, Fenris sighed. "The All-Father was many things but not a fool. He well knew of Sif's potential long before you invited her to join the Warriors Three. It was yet another reason why he saw her potential her as your bethrothed and so tolerated her presence amongst your chosen warriors.
"Together, you may heal the damage the Dark Elves wrought on Svartalfheim and build a New Asgard for the Aesir that may someday rival the old."
Thor remained quiet, though his one good eye glittered with a light long missing from Thor's countenance.
"Let us return," Fenris said. He approached his brother and extended one hand to pull him from his forest seat. Fenris groaned as he struggled to budge his brother's bulk.
"Oh, and Thor, one more thing," Fenris said.
"Yes, brother?"
"Try a salad."
ooooo
The wife of the wolf-man placed the basket of muffins on the counter of the Clearwater home.
"Go outside and play with your cousins," she told her children. They willingly complied and ran through the house to where Isaac was already waiting for them with the back door open. They vanished in the grey, but rainless, day to a chorus of happy yips and barks from the pups outside.
Emily pulled out one of the old kitchen chairs and collapsed into it. Sam took the chair across from her. The she-wolf offered the muffins to Fenris and Thor before grabbing her own.
"Mmmm. I've missed these," she said to her cousin happily as she took a big bite.
Emily smiled in response. Both she and Sam could not hide the curious glances they kept casting at where both Thor and Fenris sat on the living room couch. Thor was so deep into a description of the properties of Mjolnir versus Stormbreaker that he failed to pay much heed to their visitors, but Fenris carefully watched. They asked the she-wolf a number of questions about Norway and Seth's wedding and the pups, though these were not their intent in calling. Sam's quick eyes and hesitant manner showed he was waiting for an opportune moment to address their true purpose.
"How long will you be staying?" Sam asked. Fenris recognized the tone to be that of the Alpha wolf inquiring into a potential threat as opposed to friendly small talk and he knew the shift had begun.
"I dunno," she answered with a shrug. "Do I need to know?" She brushed some loose muffin crumbs off her chest in what appeared a casual manner, but hid a sudden spike of both fear and hope in her.
She wants to stay, Fenris noted to himself. She is afraid they will send her away, but she wants to be near home.
Emily gave Sam a meaningful look and his massive frame slumped slightly in his chair. Sam cleared his throat.
"The Cullens came by," he began in a tone that sounded serious but was belied by the half-smile hiding at the edges of his mouth. "They are wondering if 'whatever things they are'" and he nodded towards the brothers, "are technically human and if not, if they are allowed to end them without repercussion."
Emily hid a chuckle behind her palm as she watched Leah. Leah arched one eyebrow and carefully placed her muffin on the counter.
"Sure," she answered. "We don't need to cover them in the treaty. If the Cullens want to have a go at them, they are welcome to it."
Thor fell silent and Fenris clicked his tongue in mock disappointment.
"My shield maiden fails to defend my honor to those who wish me harm. I am mortified!"
Leah snorted. "You have been itching for a fight since you first met them. Why would I deprive you of your deepest, darkest wishes?"
Fenris chuckled. "You are as brilliant as you are beautiful, my wife."
"I could have told you that, wolf boy. Now, what did you do to piss off the Cullens this time? There must be a reason those arrogant pacifists are crying for your blood," she said and leaned up against the counter to glare at him.
Fenris feigned affronted innocence, by it failed whenThor clapped him on the back and answered for him.
"My brother has always had a fondness for poking poisonous serpents with sticks to incur their wrath. He says it proves his fortitude and reveals the weaknesses of even the mightiest foe."
"They are welcome to try," he said as he visibly preened, like a cat holding a bird in its claws. "Perhaps they will garner more success than the many who have made an attempt in days long past."
"My brother is harder to kill than a Svartalf ash worm," added Thor with obvious pride. "The greatest warriors on each of the Nine realms have tried and failed. Not even Thanos, the Mad Titan himself, succeeded in freeing Loki to Valhalla. It would bode ill for your Midgardian trolls to cross blades with either of the sons of Odin."
"Hmmm, I do wonder," Fenris said as he pursed his lips in consideration, "if these Cold Ones are as susceptible to lightning as the trolls on other realms? What say you, brother? Shall we test it?"
Thor grinned and lifted his axe onto his lap. At that, Leah decided to interject.
"Sorry, boys. We can't actually test it out on the Cullens. They are technically my relatives. Holidays would get a little awkward if you set a few on fire."
Fenris' grin grew exponentially wider and his eyes glistened brightly. "You have been keeping secrets from me, my wife. This is quite interesting...they are your relatives, you say?"
"Unfortunately. My mom married Bella Cullen's father. She is technically my step-sister."
"Which would mean they are now my relatives! Delightful! Tell me, when is the next festive gathering of kin?"
Leah groaned. Emily stifled her burst of laughter behind one hand and then gave her husband an apologetic smile.
"Lady Leah, you respond as though someone would not be delighted to call me kin," Fenris said.
"Thor, how many times has your brother tried to kill you?" Leah asked. Thor opened his mouth to answer but Fenris did not give him the chance to respond.
"Oh, if I genuinely wished the oaf dead, do you honestly believe he would be sitting here to speak of it now? I am not so inept a warrior as that."
"Yeah, thats disturbing," Sam said under his breath.
"You have no idea," Leah answered with an eye roll.
Sam cleared his throat again. "So, uh, what should I tell them? Are you planning to stick around for awhile?"
"Most assuredly," Fenris answered. "We wish for nothing more than to further test and develop our alliances with our new kin."
His words were accompanied by the appearance of three daggers and a flash of magic caused each to combust into green flames.
Sam sighed and dropped his head into his hands.
"Well, I don't think anyone will get bored at Charlie's house on the holidays," Emily said.
"Revels, banquets, and feasts always benefit from the plots of my brother," Thor said happily as he placed a large hand on his brother's neck, oblivious to Fenris' answering glare. "Even the most droll of council meeting has been made a memorable occasion by a well-placed fire cat or poisonous lily pad."
"Em," Leah whispered to her cousin. "Remind me to make sure Seth is at every single holiday. You know, as a buffer.
"Yeah. Good idea. Better bring a fire extinguisher, too."
"Good call."
Fenris only grinned wider. He did not require fire to test his newfound relatives.
Yes, his wife wished to stay near family. Near family they would stay-for as long as it pleased her.
ooooo
Author's notes: "Wanting Memories" written by Ysaye M. Barnwell, sung by Kealiʻi Reichel.
Multiple lines quoted from Avengers and Thor: Dark World. I don't own them.
We should have one final chapter to go.