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Chapter 6: Lost

Dear Mom,

I'm... lost. Jasper's gone and he took my heart with him. The rest of the Cullens left too. Alice, Emmett, Esme, Carlisle. I was starting to feel like Edward might even be coming around. But now they're gone. It's like they never existed. Like he never existed... but I need to know he did.

Bella sighed and pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes until she saw stars. Yesterday, she had told her dad she was going to go for a drive and would probably stop by La Push to hang out with Jacob for a few hours. It had been months since she'd seen him, after all. And she had fully intended to, but somehow instead found herself driving the familiar road to the Cullen mansion.

It was completely deserted. As though no one had ever been there at all.

The tears came first, but they only made her angry. Angry at him for leaving. For giving up on them. At herself for being such a useless human. She screamed. She threw rocks and even shattered a window. Then, through the screaming and the tears, she began to sob. Choking and gasping, she crossed her arms over her middle and cried, sinking to her knees on the cold, wet gravel drive. She lost track of time as her tears dried and she continued to stare at the empty house, willing him to come back. To walk out and wrap his arms around her and tell her he was wrong and that he loved her more than anything. But the sun set and the air grew cold, and the house stayed as dark and empty as she was beginning to feel.

It's like a hole has been punched through my chest. But the pain is my only reminder that he was real... that any of them were...

They sounded miles and miles away by the time she finally heard them. A search party.

"Bella? Bella!"

Footsteps hurried toward her and she blinked through the drizzling rain to see Jacob kneeling beside her. "Are you crazy?" He shrugged off his jacket. "Haven't you heard about all the animal attacks lately? We've been going nuts looking for you! Your dad has the whole station out and my dad's been scouring the Rez with Harry and some others. I thought I'd check here just in case." He wrapped his jacket around her and helped her up. Her legs had grown numb though, so he lifted her into his arms and carried her back to his jeep. He set her down in the passenger seat and cranked up the heat. Finally, he reached over and took her hand. "Are you okay?"

She held onto his hand. It was warm. Grounding. "No. But I will be. I hope."

I miss them. Especially Alice. But... it's probably better for them. Not having me around. Easier. I wish it was like that for me too.

By the time they reached the police station, the sensation of prickling needles had passed, and Bella could get out of the jeep on her own, though Jacob stayed close to her side just in case. Someone radioed her dad. She and Jacob were sitting in a couple of hard plastic chairs when Charlie rushed in. Bella was fairly certain she had never seen him move faster in his life. She stood to meet him and he crushed her to his chest, his arms wrapped firmly but comfortingly around her. "Bella! Oh thank God!" He kissed her head, then looked over to Jacob and nodded. "Thank you, Jacob."

Jacob smiled. "I'm just glad she's okay."

Charlie placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into the dark brown eyes that matched his own. "Baby, what were you thinking? Why were you out there? You scared me to death."

Bella's face crumpled. "He's really gone, Dad. And he's not coming back."

Charlie sighed and took her into his arms again as she cried. "C'mon, kiddo. Let's get you home."

Now, still sitting at her computer, Bella sighed, her fingers typing before she could fully form her thoughts into words. Time passes. Every tick that goes by.. Aches. Like the pulse of blood behind a bruise.

She stopped and stared at her heart spilled across the screen. Highlighting all she had just written, she hit delete. In it's place, she typed, Hi Mom! Things are great. Grades are up. Hanging with friends. Stop worrying. I'm fine. Promise.

And then, she hit send.

Girls night. Kill me now.

Bella listened to Jessica complain about the zombie movie they had just watched. Well, mostly watched. She hadn't paid much attention aside from letting it fill the pain of missing Jasper. It had worked better than she thought it would. For about an hour and fifty-two minutes anyway.

"... all those zombies eating people and no hot guys kissing anybody," Jessica was saying when Bella tuned back in. "It's gross, like... if it's supposed to, like, draw a parallel about leprosy... my cousin had leprosy. It's not funny, y'know?"

As Jessica continued on to compare zombies to consumerism, Bella heard someone call out, "Need a ride, girls?"

There was a group of bikers down the street, trying to get her and Jessica's attention. She was taken back to the night she'd been lost in Port Angeles, followed, and harassed by a group of guys before jasper showed up to save her. But he wouldn't be doing that now. Or ever again.

"Keep walking."

Bella frowned and glanced around. It had sounded like... no. That was impossible. Ridiculous. But she stepped toward the biker gang just to make sure.

An image of Jasper appeared before her. "Don't be stupid, darlin'. This is dangerous and you know it."

Her jaw dropped as she stared at the apparition before her. There was no way. This was insane. Maybe she was insane...

Jessica stepped in front of her, moving into her line of sight, and Jasper faded into the night. "Dude, c'mon."

Bella shook her head. "I, uh... I think I know those guys."

"We got beer! We got bikes!"

Jessica raised her manicured eyebrows abs turned back to Bella. "Well they seem great. Can we go?"

"Yeah, just... Just one sec."

She began to walk toward the bikers, her heart in her throat, but high on the adrenaline coursing through her veins. Obviously, this was a bad idea. A very bad idea that went against everything her dad had ever taught her about defending herself, but something was urging her forward.

"Alright alright," one of the men grinned as she approached. "We got a taker."

Right on cue, Jasper appeared. "Turn around, darlin'."

She scowled. "You don't get to tell me what to do anymore."

That damn smirk. "I never could."

"And you're not staring now," she ground out, storming through his misty form and straight up to the biker that had first spotted her.

Again, she pushed back the gut feeling that was telling her to run, not walk, back to Jessica and approached the man straddling his bike. "So what do you say, girlie?" he asked, letting his gaze roam up and down her body before biting his lower lip.

Ew.

Before she could decide whether to take a step back toward the safety of her truck or forward, Jasper appeared again. "Think about this. Remember, you carry my heart with you."

She scoffed. "Really? Because you crushed mine."

"You say something, babe?" the man asked, looking over his shoulder as she got on the bike behind him. He shook his head slightly, starting up the engine. "Y'know what? Never mind."

They took off into the night, down back roads, racing faster and faster until she saw something.

Jasper stood in the middle of the road, looking every bit as fierce and menacing as he had when he'd rescued her the first time.

"Stop!" she shouted over the roar of the engine. "Stop, stop, stop!"

She watched him glare directly at the man on the bike, a deep scowl set into the sharp angles of his face, before vanishing once more.

"I, uh..." She shook her head. Swallowed nervously. "I need to get back to my friend."

The man huffed. "Whatever you say, girlie."

Bella climbed off the bike and trudged back toward Jessica who was still waiting where Bella had left her, looking like she was about to have an attack of some kind. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she shrieked, stomping her foot.

"I just... I saw something."

Jessica gaped at her. "You. Are insane. Or suicidal."

They continued their walk back to where they parked the truck as Bella tried to piece together what in the hell just happened. He had seemed so real, and the more dangerous and reckless she was, the more real he seemed. Obviously, he wasn't real, she knew that. But that wasn't even the point. For a few glorious minutes, she couldn't feel the aching loneliness trying to collapse on her. For a few minutes, she got to do something unexpected. Something good, predictable Bella would never do.

And damn if it wasn't fun.

A/N: I feel like this goes without saying, but please please do not EVER do anything like Bella just did. It's a horribly stupid idea that could get you in serious trouble. Okay, end side note from everyone's mom-friend.