There is light. The entire world is filled with light. It is so warm, and heals my soul.
Or does it? Where is my soul? I see a figure ahead of me. He is of the form of a man, suspended in the heavens. His arms are outstretched, giving blessing to the earth below. He wears no clothing; raiments of light conceal his body, and his face shines too brightly for any to look upon it.
I look down at myself, and I see that I too am clad in such light-garments. Who are you, I ask.
I am thou, and thou art I, he answers. I am the sun, the ever-giving source of life unto the world. I am the eye of Horus, inspecting all the deeds of man, and dispensing judgment according to my will. I am the scarab rolling the sun in the dirt, and I am the phoenix, reborn in the fire and ashes. I am all and I am none, and all is below me when I rise, and above me when I set. I am the eternal one, ever living and ever dying, and I shall repeat this cycle until creation itself is swallowed up by the increasing nothingness from which I was born.
Amaterasu? I ask him.
In a sense, he answers. I am Amaterasu; I am also Helios, Ra, and Sol Invictus. I am all that shines in the heavens, and I am none of them. I am the first and last of the gods of this world, and none may ascend to the infinite but through me.
Yet you say that I am you, I say.
Indeed, he replies. All men are apportioned parts of me, for they all live only through my nourishment. My beneficence pervades all, and there is nothing that exists but by my word. I am thou, and I am the dog, and the star, and the sky. There is nothing outside of me.
Are you the moon?
I am the moon, but the moon is not me.
Yet, I am you.
Yes. Though I am all, not all is me.
You confuse me with your words.
As well you should be confused, he says. My light is too great for mortals to bear. If you could understand it, you would no longer be yourself, but swallowed by the light without end.
Must I remain myself? Your light is magnificent, I wish to possess some of its beauty.
You must, yes. If you were to become me, you would no longer exist, and your existence is necessary to the fulfillment of the plan.
My existence?
You must be you, and I me. We must engage in spiritual congress, but we must never let the boundaries of the ego fade. I am thou, and thou art I, but by no means am I thou, nor art thou I. We are one yet two, helpmates unto each other.
This makes no sense.
It is the great Mysterium; it cannot make sense, this would violate its sacredness.
Are you my soul?
What is a soul?
It is the essence of one's being.
I am not the essence of your being; if I were, you would be viewing this exchange from my perspective, rather than your own.
Then what are you?
I am he who stands within yet without you. I am he who follows you wherever you go, but is always distinct. I lie behind your vision, and can only be seen with the inward gaze of the third eye. I am thou, but I am not thou.
Stop speaking in riddles; I require an answer, else my mind may break.
Let it break. If it breaks, use those cracks that appear and let them be filled with me.
I shall be rendered powerless if my mind, that central organ, should break. Is that what you desire?
Be powerless. There is infinite strength in the weak, the power of sickness and poison to which even the greatest of all gods must fall. I am the embodiment of power, so be what I am not. Fill my lack.
Am I worthy?
It is not a question of worth. You are with me, therefore you are with me.
Your light is too bright, I cannot remain with you for fear of being burned.
If you are burned, well and good. My fires shall consume you, and you shall cool my heat.
Have you only thought for yourself?
How can I be selfish? I am thou, and thou art I. There is no way for me to benefit without you too benefitting.
You trick me with your words, evil spirit.
I trick none, least of all you.
Do you love me?
I love all, and hate in equal measure. The one cannot be without the other.
Do I love you?
Do you?
I don't know.
If you yourself do not know, how can you expect to find the answer in another?
I don't know.
You have much to learn of yourself, before you can lay claim to me.
How can I learn?
You know.
No, I don't know.
There is none who does not know, only those who deceive themselves with the lie of ignorance.
How can I uncover my lies? Can your light shine upon them, and burn them to ash?
If I did that, you would be annihilated beyond repair. Even the souls of the dead would not take you among them.
Then what can I do?
Look within yourself. Look to a place deeper than I, and higher. Wider, yet narrower. Fix your gaze on the centermost point, and allow it to expand to infinity.
XXX
Yukiko woke up.
What did he mean? The ritual was supposed to summon Amaterasu herself, not some sort of amalgam of different sun gods. This isn't what I asked for. What will I do?
"Oh, you're finally up," Minako said. She was sitting next to Yukiko's bed with a book, which she had laid to the side when she saw her daughter awake. "So, what happened?"
"It wasn't at all what I expected," Yukiko grumbled. "I did everything correctly, but I didn't see Amaterasu."
"Then, what did you see?" Minako tilted her head in confusion.
"I saw a man. He said he was Amaterasu, but he also wasn't, and he was everything else too... it was definitely a weird dream, so the ritual must have done something, but there must be something we left out. Maybe you forgot something?" Yukiko said, drowsily.
Whack.
Minako had hit her on the head with the closed book in her hands.
"Hey," Yukiko glared at her. "What was that for?"
"As if I could screw up a ritual as important as this. Hmph," Minako said. "That was Amaterasu."
"Huh? Amaterasu is definitely female, I know that," Yukiko said.
"Well, if anything, I did it too perfectly," Minako said, apparently ignoring Yukiko. "Instead of the particular manifestation of the Sun, I managed to bring forth its essence? Nice!" She pumped her fist in the air in triumph.
Yukiko was annoyed. "I'm glad you're happy, but are you sure you're not just trying to justify a screwup?"
Minako raised the book over her head.
"I mean," Yukiko said, "I don't entirely understand what you said, o Honorable Mother, so would you be so kind as to explain it to a worm such as my pitiful form?"
Minako raised an eyebrow. "Don't you think that's going a bit overboard?"
"M...Maybe," Yukiko said. "Please don't hit me again, though. I just got up and that really hurt."
Minako chuckled. "Heh, fair." She put the book down on the nightstand. "So, you want to know why you saw what you did?"
Yukiko nodded.
"All right. So, essentially, at the formation of this world from the Root of endless Chaos, many things sprang forth. I trust you know this much?"
"Of course," Yukiko said.
"Good. This makes things a bit simpler. Anyway," Minako continued. "There was at one point a certain essence that flew out of the Spiral of the Root, called [Shining]. This essence was formless, and wandered space until it found matter it could attach itself to. The vast expanse of the cosmos proved inhospitable, but it was a strong essence, among the first to emerge from the Spiral. So it gathered scattered particles all around, and formed them into a luminous mass. Before this essence took shape in this way, there was 'light', as an abstract concept, but there was no object to bring it forth from abstractness to reality.
"The matter that this essence coalesced into a shining mass eventually became what we call 'Sun.'"
"I don't entirely understand," Yukiko said. "But go on."
"All right. This essence, as the 'Sun,' continued to exist alone in solitary confinement. There was nothing for it to shine its light upon, so it was held back from its innate drive to illuminate something. It shook and churned itself, trying to pour its light upon itself, but it was always frustrated."
"It was full of light already, so what was the point?" Yukiko asked.
"Exactly, there was no point. But the drive had to go somewhere, even if it meant overloading itself with its light."
"How sad," Yukiko said.
"Indeed," Minako said. "So it waited for something else to arrive, that it could shine on. Eventually, something did. This was the Moon, and the 'Sun' shone its light upon the dark cold Moon, and it was happy."
"What a lovely ending," Yukiko said. "But how is it relevant to me?"
"You'll see soon, be patient. The Moon had an essence defined by [Reflection], but it was met with a similar trouble to the Sun's; it had nothing to reflect the Sun's light against. It searched, but the only things that existed were itself and the Sun, and the Sun was the source of light; there was no point in reflecting the light straight back at the Sun."
"So what did the Moon do?" Yukiko asked.
"It spoke to the Sun, saying 'I hate you, for only you can fulfill your desire. I too wish to give unto another, but there is none but you.'
"The Sun replied, 'If I am to give to you, I cannot simultaneously take from you the ability to grow and become that which you must. Allow me to borrow some of your essence.'
"The Moon was uncertain, but it trusted the Sun to engage in intercourse with it. Their essences merged for but a moment, and when they were done, the Sun spoke to the Moon. 'You shall suffer no longer, the pain of wealth. I have accepted a small part of your reflective nature into myself, so you can now shine your light upon me, and I shall accept it.' For you see, the Sun only accepted the absorptive aspect of reflection, and not the returning aspect."
"How strange," Yukiko said. "You sound almost like him."
"Him?" Minako asked.
"The man in the dream," Yukiko said.
Minako smiled, then laughed. "Really?"
"I don't know why you're laughing, but yes."
Minako stopped laughing, and put her hand on Yukiko's shoulder. "Sorry, Yukiko; this is just hilarious."
"Whatever," Yukiko drew away from her mother's hand.
Sensing her daughter's mood, Minako withdrew her hand.
She continued. "So, the Moon was overjoyed at this. For many eons they continued in this way, the Sun shining light against the Moon, and the Moon returning a portion of it to the receptive part of the Sun. Eventually, the Moon said to the Sun, 'Come, beloved. You give to me, and I to you, but I wish to give with you together. I want to join you in the act of giving, on the same side of the divide.'
"The Sun replied. 'But there is nothing beside us, dear one.'
"The Moon thought, and said, 'Then let us craft a Third, who might embody both our essences in equal measure, and whom we might set up on the other side of the great divide, facing us.'
"The Sun replied. 'Your words please me, my love. Then let us do so. I shall gather the particles of light, and I leave to you the particles of dark.'
"The Moon left the Sun, and happily went about her task. She gathered particles of dark from across the reaches of empty space, revelling in the emptiness that was so close to her own nature, in its nonbeing. She put it all together into a single mass of darkness, and returned to the Sun, who displayed his own ball of light.
"The two masses merged, and a blue sphere emerged from the chaotic dance of light and dark.
"The Sun spoke. 'Behold, Moon; we have created a composite being, sharing in both our essences.' The Moon was glad for to have participated with the Sun in a mutual activity of giving, and replied to the Sun. 'Indeed, beloved. Now let us set it across from us, that it may gaze upon us, and we upon it.'
"Then the two of them placed it below, such that if a line were drawn directly upwards from the newborn sphere, it would be exactly in between the Sun and the Moon. Then they established a separation between them and it, transparent and immaterial. They called this the firmament, and charged it never to allow a remixture of the sphere, which they named 'Earth,' with themselves. For they knew that on the day this happened, the Earth would surely die, its composite parts rejecting their unity and the light parts jumping back to the Sun, while the dark parts went to the Moon."
Yukiko interrupted her mother. "Are you.. entirely sure this is how it happened?"
"Am I?" Minako said. "Perhaps it did, perhaps it didn't; does it really matter?"
"I should think it does," Yukiko said.
"You have much to learn, then, daughter."
"Well, given what happened last night, I suppose I can suspend disbelief somewhat longer," Yukiko said.
"Excellent."
Minako continued.
"After this, the Earth was granted light and dark from its two creators. After some time, the conditions reached a point where the Earth had achieved an independent consciousness, such that it too desired to give unto another. It approached its parents with its concerns, and they all conferred about what to do. There were only two essences, so it seemed pointless to create another Earth-like being that would be essentially the same, with the same problems.
"The Sun came upon an answer. 'What say you two to the creation of a race of beings, each embodying elements of light and dark, in infinitely variegated measure?' The Moon and Earth agreed immediately, for the idea pleased them immensely. The Sun then shone his light, the Moon her dark, and the Earth prepared herself to give forth that race upon her soil. Soon, men were formed. The males bore the solar aspect, and the females the lunar, but much like the Earth that bore them, each individual male and female possessed a mixture of solar and lunar, no two individuals having the same distribution.
"This race proliferated on the Earth, and the Earth gladdened of their presence and happiness. She thanked the Sun and Moon, and her feelings of gratitude began filtering to the men upon her. Soon, they too established temples unto the heavenly creators, worshipping them under many names. Each human formed his own inner pair of twin deities, Sun and Moon, which differed from those of his fellows. In this manner, every aspect of each of those celestials was celebrated and cultivated.
"Therefore, while most men worshipped the light-giving masculinity of the Sun, and the dark-giving femininity of the Moon, exceptions arose. In the land that came to be known as the Sun's Source, whence the Sun rises above all the Earth, humans tapped into the hidden feminine aspects of the Sun, and the hidden masculine aspects of the Moon. In this land, the persona of Amaterasu, the Heaven-Shining goddess, arose.
"Therefore, Yukiko, the man you saw in your dream was indeed Amaterasu; you saw the psychic manifestation of the original essence of [shining]!" Minako smiled with pride. "As expected of a daughter of mine, with the aid of a ritual I prepared."
"That's all very well and good," Yukiko said, unimpressed, "But this seems to be a problem for us. I'm glad you're proud of how you did, but now that you summoned this original essence person or whatever, he's telling me I can't 'lay claim to him' without uncovering my lies, whatever that means."
"Yes, and?" Minako said. "It's not like you wouldn't have to do that anyway."
"Would I?"
"Of course," Minako said. "There's no way you could unlock your own Origin without something terribly unpleasant. You should be glad this is all you have to do; there are cases of far worse requirements." She shuddered.
"My... Origin?"
"Yes, Yukiko," Minako said. "Your Origin is the defining point of what makes you who you are, the dot in the middle of your soul that contains everything in the universe in absolutely no space. And in your case," she pointed at Yukiko's chest, "Your Origin just happens to be the very same [shining] as our dear Mr. Sun's."
"Then..." Yukiko was confused by this sudden turn of events. How could her mother say so casually, something so important? It didn't make sense to her. "How do I do it? How do I uncover my lies? Don't tell me you don't know, I know you do."
Minako laughed. "Indeed, I do. All right, close your eyes, and listen to what I say. Don't question any of it. If I ask you to do something, just do it."
"Fine." Yukiko sat on the bed, and closed her eyes.
XXX
Minako's voice suddenly became serious, like someone reciting a precise formula. "You are a single point."
In Yukiko's closed eyes, she saw a black view. Nothing existed around her, she wasn't sure she existed either. There was only the infinite spreading blackness, in which she felt herself flow.
When her mother spoke those words, she felt the flow stop. She hated that. She hated how her mother made the flow stop. Like a rock in the center of a flowing river, the flow pushed against her and moved around her, threatening to uproot her from her position. She had no will, though, so she stood motionless in the center of that flow. It pushed. She resisted. So it was.
"You are a line."
She felt herself spreading. She became a line parallel to the flow of the river. The river flowed against her, and she stood in the center standing against its flow, but now she was an infinite line, splitting the river into two halves. Each half now pushed against every point along her entire length, and she felt like she was going to break. The dark was too powerful, and she, like an insufficient vessel, was to be shattered by its assault.
"You are a circle."
She felt her line retract from its infinity. The length became finite once more, and the ends began to wriggle like the head and tail of a snake. The head sought the tail, and the tail the head. Eventually, they found each other, and the head bit the tail, forming a perfect ring of self-inclusion. Outside the ring, the river had turned into a swelling ocean, but inside there was pure tranquility. A single point within the ring, at the very center, began to glow. Yukiko was the ring, but she felt herself drawn to that point. She slowly constricted herself, her diameter shrinking until there was almost no empty space within. Only the point remained, with the faintest outline of dark separating it from the ring that was Yukiko.
Then she stopped, for she felt she could no longer continue to constrict herself, lest she break. The point began to glow more brightly, its light spreading and forming a pillar leading directly upwards, perpendicular to the plane on which Yukiko had been moving. As the pillar rose, she saw a form at the top, holding out a hand to her.
She rose, spinning as she ascending the pillar in her ring form.
Soon, she reached the top of the pillar. There, the same form awaited her as was in her dream.
XXX
I see you have returned, he said.
I have come to purge myself of falsehood, Yukiko answered.
How do you wish to do that?
Yukiko constricted around his form of light. I cannot do it on my own, she said.
You mean to force me into your service?
I did as you said. I focused on my centermost point, nurtured it, let it expand. You are the result. I merely require you uphold your end of the bargain.
So you did, so you did. Very well, then. Are you prepared to accept the responsibilities that I will place upon you?
Whatever they may be, I take them.
Even if it saps you of your very will to live?
Anything would be preferable to the hell I have endured till now. I wish never to hurt another again, consumed by some unconscious power lurking deep inside of me. I wish to have full control of my actions, to do with my powers as I see fit.
I am thou, and thou art I, he said. From the sea of thy soul, I come.
Yukiko tightened around him, and broke the barrier of light around him.
I am the Light unto the world, and thou shalt inherit me.
His body felt unbelievably hot, like it would burn her, but she knew she was safe. She tightened further, and felt him begin to break.
I am thou, and thou art I, he said. An thou accept my burden, thou shalt illuminate the Earth and Moon. Thy hand shall be against all men, and all their hands against thee. He who strike thee shall be cursed, and he who bless thee shall partake in your light.
I am thou, and thou art I, Yukiko replied. She tightened further. The force caused him to break in two, horizontally at the abdomen. She then disengaged of her ring form. Her head coiled around his head, and her tail around his feet.
Now, you shall become your True Self, he said. But first you must finalize the ritual.
Yukiko swallowed his head.
She then writhed, as she felt the light within her. It burned her innards. The pillar she was on began to fall, and she began hurtling toward the dark sea below.
As she fell, she looked down and saw the dark waters. Within them, curses arose. Arms white contrasted against the black water, and stretched to pull her in. Caught in their grasp, she wriggled. Still, her serpentine form could not escape the thick leathery palms that grabbed her.
Though she saw no form external, she heard a voice in her head.
"Shine."
Obeying the command from within, she felt cracks appear in her skin. Light poured out like fire from her cold black skin.
The hands holding on to her began to slacken their grip, but still they held on.
The cracks spread, and as her skin fell apart, she spoke.
"I expel you, curses. You may no longer dwell within me, as you have. You shall be rigidly circumscribed, and outside those limits you will never go."
The hands redoubled their efforts, trying to pull her body apart. If they could kill her, she could not enslave them.
However, it was too late.
Yukiko's body was almost entirely skinless. Only her head retained a full covering, and even that now began to crumble away.
Burn, she thought.
Immediately, the hands grabbing her were immolated. Their ashes sank into the black sea.
I think I should like to retain a mask, Yukiko thought. The skin on her head began to reform, such that she was now a serpent of pure white light, with a head of darkest night.
XXX
"Yukiko?" The voice of her mother called to her, calling her out from herself.
Yukiko opened her eyes. She saw the she had apparently fallen asleep on the bed. She raised a hand to her brow, and realized that it was covered in sweat. She suddenly felt hot in her whole body, and began clawing at her clothing.
Her mother quickly rose. She had a bottle of water in her hand. She pushed Yukiko down against the bed, and tipped the bottle into her mouth.
The cold liquid flowed into her mouth. She nearly choked on it, but it soothed her throat. She had not known how dry it was, but the water's coolness let her know the dryness by its opposite. The pleasure of her thirst's relief was exquisite, and she calmed down. Her body cooled, and she began to feel as normal.
She quickly drank all the water in the bottle, and felt the heat drain from her blood. She now only wanted to sleep.
"A success, it seems," Minako said. "All right. Congratulations, Yukiko. Your True Self now lives within you. You must now fulfill his duties, without being consumed by his light. The fact that you have survived the ordeal means that you must have taken on a mask; a persona. This mask will protect you from total dissolution, so you must never let it break."
I know, I think... I just want to sleep.
Minako's voice held her back from the relief that she sought.
"You are the culmination of what we in the Amagi family have worked for, since the beginning. As the matriarch, I cannot help but be filled with pride. I implore you to go forth, and exercise Judgment on the wicked."
She paused.
"But... as your mother, I want you to be happy. I don't know how you can balance that with the power that lives within you, but that is something for you to figure out for yourself. I will be there to support you, but I can do nothing for you if you do not extend your hand first."
Minako bent down, and kissed Yukiko.
Yukiko's eyes were closed, but she felt warmth on her forehead.
Minako stood up, and went to the door.
"Now, sleep," she said. A door opened, then hung a moment before closing.
"I love you," Minako said.
The door shut.
Heyo.
Yukiko's can now use Amaterasu's power freely. Also I kind of like Minako, she's very cute. Well, maybe that's authorial bias. Hmm.
This chapter is probably more influenced than the last chapter by Jung's Red Book, I think. All that inner dialogue stuff is pretty prominent in there.
Listened to, among other things, Queen II; being Queen's 2nd studio album. Really good stuff, they're my favourite for a reason.
Speaking of, I've begun an Eva rewatch... Too many feelings come up when I watch it, and honestly not all of it's pleasant. But I'm confident it's a good thing to confront them. I mustn't run away.
See y'all next time!