Chapter 12: Secrets

The leather was smooth. Worn and faded in places. Decades worth of memories woven into the jacket's seams. She hadn't worn it since the night he left. It had been hanging in the back of her closet. Waiting. For what, she didn't know. She considered taking it out now. Now, when everything she'd tried to build since he left was crumbling down around her.

The sound of rocks pinging off glass drew her instead to her bedroom window. Looking down, she saw Jacob, still dressed as before in only a pair of cut-off jeans. He waved.

She flipped him off.

He threw a slightly bigger rock that made her jump in surprise.

Scowling, she threw open the window. "Are you insane?"

He ignored her and instead called up, "Move. I'm coming in."

"What're you gonna do? Climb the fucking tree?"

"Something like that," he muttered before taking a running start, leaping into the air. She watched as he pushed off the side of the house, jumped to the tree, then grabbed her window ledge and swung around, landing gracefully on his feet in front of her.

"What was that!?" she hissed.

"What?" he shrugged. "I said I was coming in"

She stared at him for all of thirty seconds before shaking her head. "You know what? No. Get out. Just get the hell out, Jake!"

"Bella, cmon..."

"No! We're not friends anymore, right? So if we're not friends, then get out of my house. I'm sure Sam's wondering where you are anyway."

Jacob sighed. "Bella..."

"What?" she snapped

"Look, I'm... I'm sorry," he said, taking a step toward her, but she stepped back. He clenched his hands into fists at his sides and tried again. "I am. Please, Bella. Just listen, then you can throw me out if you still want to."

Her heart twisted at the look on his face. "Fine."

"I messed up, alright? I'm sorry. I never ever wanted to hurt you, but... God, I wish I could explain," he groaned pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"I wish you could too."

"I literally can't," he said softly, dropping his hands. His dark eyes were begging for her to understand. And she wanted to, desperately. But she was totally lost.

He moved past her, pacing restlessly as he wrestled with his words. He stopped when he saw the dream catcher he'd given her still hanging on her bed. He sighed and closed his eyes before turning back to her. "Have you ever had a secret? One you couldn't tell anyone, no matter what?"

She thought of the leather jacket in her closet and nodded.

"That's what it's like for me, but worse." He sank down onto her bed, putting his head in his hands again. His voice broke when he said, "You have no idea how tightly I'm bound."

"God, I hate this!" she cried, crossing over to him. He dropped his hands but wouldn't meet her eyes. Her own were filled with tears as she reached out to run her fingers through his short hair. He had been so proud of his long hair once. And now... "I hate them for this."

He reached out to take her hand, bringing it around to look at the silver crescent shaped scar there. She covered it quickly when his features darkened. Their eyes met, and she wondered if he knew. Somehow, he looked like he knew. Rather than saying anything about it though, he sighed. "It's not their fault."

She gave him a look.

"Really," he insisted, then shook his head. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand that he still held. "I wish I could just explain."

"Jake, I'm here," she said, squeezing his hand. "You can tell me anything."

He growled in frustration, pushing himself off the bed to stand before her. "The killer part is, you already know, Bella. I already told you everything!"

"About what?"

"My secret. What I..." Bella watched as whatever he was about to say got caught in his throat. He swallowed and tried again. "What I am."

He took her hand in his, gently running his fingers over the scar on her wrist. "Do you remember when we walked on the beach in La Push? The st-"

He squeezed his eyes shut as though he were in pain. Bella gripped his hand. "The story. Yeah, I remember. The sorry about the Cold Ones."

Jacob scoffed. "I guess I understand why that's the part you remember. Tell me something, Bella," he said, looking into her eyes, both of them searching for answers, "did you honestly not know? I mean, was I really the one who told you what he was?"

Her heart jumped into her throat. She went back and forth in her head about a million times before finally admitting, "Yes."

A bitter smirk twisted his lips. "See what I mean about secrets? Some are too impossible to even say out loud."

He stepped away from her, his smirk turning into a trembling sigh as he rubbed a hand across his forehead and raked it back through his hair. He frowned, like he suddenly remembered how short it was. He pinched the bridge if his nose and sighed.

Bella watched helplessly. "There's gotta be something you can do."

"No. I wish there was. I'm in it for life. Longer maybe."

"Maybe," she started, grasping desperately at anything she thought might help him, "I don't know, maybe we should get out of here for a while, y'know? Just leave. We could go stay with my mom until this all calms down. However long it takes, okay?"

He raised his head to look at her. "You'd do that?"

"Yeah, of course. Whatever you need. I just want to help you. I can't stand seeing you like this."

He gave her a small smile. A glimpse of her sweet Jacob that was swallowed by a darkness that swept over his features when he saw the picture of him and his dad she had on her bulletin board. "It's not something I can run away from," he whispered. "But I would run away with you... if I could."

She watched him for a moment, wanting nothing more than to take his pain away. To help him. To do something. She just had no idea what that was.

"I gotta go," he said suddenly. "They're gonna be wondering where I am."

He stepped past her and she crossed her arms over her middle to stop herself from reaching out to him. To stay. To hole up in her room, and the two of them would never have to leave or deal with anyone else ever again.

As if hearing, or maybe sharing, her thoughts, he suddenly turned back, wrapping his arms around her and tucking his head into the curve of her neck. She held on to him just as tight.

"Please. Please try to remember," he whispered into her shoulder. "I need you to know what... it'd be so much easier. Please, Bella."

"I'll try. I promise," she said as he pulled away and headed back for the window. She frowned, "Jake, what're you doing? Jacob!"

She raced to the window after he jumped out, and watched him land soundlessly on his feet. He looked up at her, gave a small smile, and ran off into the night.