I see her walking down the hall. I watch her kimono sway; it invites me, beckoning me to join her within it. It is blue, but beneath is her supple white skin, and beneath that is her dark red blood.
Today isn't the first time I've watched her, only the most recent. I've hungered after her for a long time, though she doesn't know I'm here. But that's fine. I love her and will be with her. There is no room for her to disagree with that.
We are destined for each other.
Her noble bearing makes my saliva run. If my mouth weren't closed tight, it would overflow and stain the floors.
Watching her, put one foot in front of the other. The delicacy of her toes, I want to run my tongue on them and bite them off.
I follow her. I match her pace, keeping this distance. This distance is perfect, just far enough that she doesn't notice me, but close enough for me to smell every bit of sweat emanating from her body. Like the liquid form of her exertions, of her actions in this world, it travels through the air to my nose.
I drink it in.
It tastes so good, I let it fill my lungs. I feel the air carrying her scent in my throat, and it energizes me.
I walk faster.
Soon, Ryougi, you will be mine.
She stops.
Now is the time.
I grab her shoulder.
"Hey, Ryougi-san," I say.
She turns around, with a look of confusion.
"Excuse me, who are you?"
No.
It's not her.
Then... was it a mistake?
How dare she deceive me?
No, I wasn't wrong. It is Shiki. It has to be.
Why is she pretending not to know me?
No matter.
I run, my footsteps pounding on the floor.
I lunge at her, my teeth enter her neck.
They dig deep, crushing skin and bone.
She screams for a second, before she can make no sound through her throat but a light whistling.
I chew the mass of her neck, and swallow the powdered bone and soup of blood and muscle.
It tastes so good.
Now, I have to run. I can't let myself be caught here.
I take my schoolbag, and put her freshly decapitated head inside.
I leave her body here; no one will think it was me.
My alibi is ironclad.
I jump through the open window, and head to my hideout.
XXX
Kariya opened his eyes, his forehead covered with a film of sweat.
So, this is the Servant I have summoned? Even in my dreams, he torments me...
"Good morning, Kariya." The voice comes from beyond where he can see in this dark.
It must still be night.
"What is it, Zouken?" Kariya asks the voice.
"I couldn't bring myself to wake you, you seemed to be having such a pleasant rest," Zouken said, standing in the corner of the bedroom.
"Quiet, old man. What do you want?"
Zouken chuckled. "Oh? You think I've come here for my own selfish reasons? Can't a man visit his son to ensure his wellbeing?"
"A man, yes. Not you."
"You wound me, Kariya," Zouken said. He smiled. "It's just that, you seem to be having some difficulty maintaining your Servant. Your magical energy output is quite low naturally, so I was going to suggest some way you might ease your burden."
Kariya winced, as he remembered the Crest Worm implantation ritual. "You put those accursed worms in me already; thanks to them, I should be able to produce enough magical energy to last the War."
"Indeed, Kariya," Zouken replied. "However, those worms take a toll on your body. They wear you down, reducing you to bubbling skin and flesh, your bones long since dissolved. Which, I will admit, is a slow and painful process that I greatly enjoy."
Kariya was silent.
"So," Zouken continued, "I have an idea. A measure you can take, to ensure your body remains intact enough to complete your task of winning this Holy Grail War." He cocked his head to the side. "Can I take it you are interested?"
Kariya closed his eyes, and sank back into bed. He didn't want to hear any of this. His father's voice only added to his pain, by reminding him of all he had suffered till now. Bringing back those memories, and compounding them with the current pain, was something he hated.
So he resolved not to listen. To ignore him.
"You can close your eyes, but do you enjoy the pain even more than I do? Enough to want to drag yourself to death, without being able to rescue your precious Sakura?"
Eyes still closed, Kariya spoke. "Tell me what you came to say, then get out."
"Fine, fine," Zouken said. "I'll make this quick, then. Order your Servant to harvest some souls; if you do that, you'll share your burden with others, and you might survive this long enough to see the former Tohsaka again."
"I... I can't," Kariya said. "There's no way I would do something that evil. I'm not you, I won't bring innocents into this war."
"Isn't Sakura's life more important to you than theirs? Nameless masses, running about with no real meaning or purpose to them."
"I thought you might have something of actual use for me," Kariya said. "But it's far too inhumane for me to ever consider it. Now get out."
He rolled onto his side in the bed, facing away from Zouken's voice.
"Your wish is my command, Master." Zouken laughed. Kariya heard the sound of a door opening, closing, and footsteps.
He was gone.
But... he's right, isn't he?
Kariya began to cry, the physical pain driving him to do so.
His neck felt like it was burning him from the inside out.
If I can't make it through... no, I can't die yet. I have to take off whatever burdens I can, otherwise I really won't last. But I don't want to increase the number of victims of this savage ritual. That would be an insult to everything I'm fighting for, to save Sakura. There must be another way.
He sat up, and opened his eyes.
The light, meager though it was, penetrated his vision. It seemed that Zouken had switched on the light as he left the room.
Bastard.
Well, now that I think about it, there may indeed be another way. Worth a shot.
Kariya journeyed to the forest on the outskirts of Fuyuki City. Not the Einzbern forest, for he would never risk angering them, not this early in the war.
"I summon thee! Appear, Berserker!"
His stomach convulsed, as it sent bile far up his throat. He tasted it. It tasted of blood.
He doubled over, as his Servant appeared before him.
Lio looked at Kariya. He cocked his head, apparently waiting for orders. The insanity of the Berserker class rendered him incapable of normal speech; their only method of communication was the Servant dreams Kariya had of Lio's previous life. He wished their link were strictly a matter of business, of co-operation for victory in the Holy Grail War. He had no desire to associate with such a vulgar person, driven by their basest instincts to behave as an animal.
To hurt others, without any regard for their desires or happiness.
He bit his lip, to drown out the pain that was assailing his skull.
"Berserker... Go into the forest. Find whatever you can, anything that is alive. Take it, kill it, and absorb its energy."
Lio snarled. He got on all fours, faced the forest, and roared. Then, he ran, his speed on his arms and legs easily rivalling any human runner. Probably faster than a jaguar, approaching bullet train speeds.
As he penetrated the forest, the sheer speed of his entry created a wind behind him, pulling leaves off trees and shaking them to the roots.
Good... hopefully this will be enough. Then...
He couldn't think any more. The feeling in his arms was gone, soon his legs would give way too. He was in a park, late at night when there were no other humans around.
He laid down on a nearby bench, and let himself fall asleep. He silently commanded Berserker to return to him when he was done, having consumed his fill.
Now, sleep took him away from his earthly torment.
XXX
As I sip this drink, I think how much more delicious it would be to sip her blood. Open a hole in her vein, and suck it out, like milk from a nipple.
I sit in this cafe, watching her, and him.
He talks to her, and laughs at his own jokes and stupidity.
She looks at him, not allowing herself to laugh, but I can tell she finds him amusing.
I tighten the grip of my jaw on the straw of my drink.
It breaks.
Coffee.
What do I need it for? The Bloodchip is far more powerful, far more energizing, far more clarifying, far more...
Liberating.
It brings me out of these weak shackles that I can't even break out of on my own, with my normal self.
It leads me to fully become who I must, become the man I know I am.
I want to break out of this shell, like a membrane covering me.
I am an egg, and within me lives a powerful phoenix that has to fly and die and burn and kill.
I feel the multiplicity within. I feel the constant roiling vortex within me. Every nature, every sort of archetype is contained within my soul, and I need to express it or I WILL GO CRAZY.
I am so frustrated, like a pipe that is blocked. The pressure builds, and if I don't let it go, open the valve, I will explode.
Quickly.
I can see it within her. I can see the same spinning, crazy whirling in her soul.
In her it all spirals down to nothingness, and from there it loops in on itself and curls, and becomes everything.
And it just goes up and down and up and down and in and out.
And I love it.
I know that she has within her exactly the thing that I need, the thing that can give me perfect expression and quiet this etrnal war inside me between my parts.
So quickly. I need to do it now.
I will crush his head, and I will drink the blood from his neck hole. It will shoot up, filling the sky with red rain, and I will stand under it and let it fall into my mouth.
Then, once I have consumed him and absorbed him, I will bring his essence to bear in my frontal aspect. And Ryougi will see me, and she will allow me in.
Then, I will go inside her and she and I will become one.
Then I will be free.
I will finally be free of this...
Pain.
XXX
Kariya woke up, the sounds of slobbering and dripping on him.
Was it raining?
No, it was his Servant.
Lio stood above his reclining form, a squirrel - to be precise, half of a squirrel - in his mouth. A smile, a wide grin on his face. He jumped up and down, like a dog expecting a pat on the head from its master.
Kariya put a hand over his face, to shield himself from the blood of the squirrel. It sickened him, watching his Servant behave this way. Still, anything was better than suffering through the point of view that he did in his dreams. He wished he would never sleep, so that he could perhaps only limit his pain.
But he knew that if he didn't sleep, soon enough the link between him and Lio would invade his conscious mind and then he would no longer be able to distinguish reality from dream. And then, all would be truly lost. He would become as insane as his Servant, and at that point he would only want to be killed.
Please, don't let it ever get that bad.
Then, he noticed something.
My mana output to Berserker hasn't changed. Or, if it did, it's far too little to make a noticeable difference.
I'm going to die, like this.
Well, if that's how it will be, so it will be. Que sera sera, and all that.
He stood up, and began walking back towards the Matou Manor. His legs were still weak, and he limped on his left side. Soon, the extra weight he was putting there would just lead that leg too to collapse, and then he would be stuck in the park for some child to find in the morning. Half-dead of frostbite and mana loss, he would be a frightening sight.
He didn't want any child to suffer like that.
No one should suffer like that... as he had.
As he walked, his Servant followed him. He didn't follow behind, though; he ran in circles around Kariya, as if taunting him with his athletic ability. The squirrel corpse was long devoured, and now Lio just stole more and more of Kariya's strength to exercise his low nature.
Animal.
Kariya ignored him, and kept walking.
As they neared the public road, Lio suddenly started moving very closely to Kariya. Matching him step for step. Kariya could feel his hot, moist breath on his neck.
"Get away," he said. "Why don't you dematerialize when I don't need you? It's a waste of my mana."
Berserker ignored his words, and caressed Kariya's shoulder. He panted as he did so.
Kariya stiffened, and stopped.
"If you move to harm me, I will stop you with a Command Spell," he said, without turning around.
Lio jumped back. Kariya turned, and saw him crouched in a corner, gnawing on his own forearm.
What a waste. Doesn't he realize that by consuming himself, he can't possibly achieve a net gain in magical energy? Or... are his instincts so insatiable that he must try to sate them in this false manner, by consuming himself? How pitiful.
Kariya scoffed.
Be that as it may, there is indeed a great difficulty here. If I cannot sacrifice innocents to Lio, and animals are insufficient... Only one path remains. In that sense, there really is no difficulty. I know what I must do. For now, anyway, until a suitable replacement should be found.
Kariya pulled up his right sleeve. The arm underneath was pale, almost translucent. He had spent the better part of the previous year in a deep dark cellar, so his skin had adopted this unhealthy hue of a shut-in.
Aside from the various other maladies he earned in that time.
He flexed his right fist. Opening, and closing it, he watched the tendons expand and contract. His muscles too had shrunk, to the point that they were now barely noticeable. His arm was like a stick with some flaccid flesh spread over it.
But the veins and arteries stood within that landscape. Despite the weakness of his arm, blood still flowed through it. And as he pumped his fist, the vessels swelled and gained prominence.
After a few minutes, he judged it sufficient, and let his fist loosen. His arm hung slack at his side.
"Berserker!" he called to the Servant, still chewing on the flesh of his own body.
Lio galloped toward him, like an ape using its hands to propel itself forward on the ground.
Upon reaching Kariya, he noticed the exposed arm. Like he was drawn by a smell of slaughter, he inched towards it.
Slowly, slowly.
"Do what you must," Kariya said. "It's better than the alternative."
Lio licked the flesh of Kariya's forearm, running his tongue from the wrist to the elbow.
Kariya winced, but kept his eyes open. He needed to watch, just in case his Servant forgot himself and took more than he should. Certainly, he couldn't risk the arm being severed if too much was taken.
His Command Seals were on that hand.
Lio had found a vein. He put his mouth to it, and sucked on the flesh.
As the negative pressure drew the flesh into his mouth, Kariya felt it being torn. Maintaining the suction, Lio's sharp canines bit off a chunk right atop the vein.
Kariya felt the blood flow out, but saw nothing.
Lio drank it all.
It was a sickening sensation, his life leaving him as a blood sacrifice at the altar of victory.
But would this god that he offered it to, the corrupted, twisted, evil god that governed this charade of a contest, this Holy Grail War that was anything but... would he repay Kariya in kind? Would he compensate him for his losses, appreciate the worship?
Or would he laugh at him, spit on him, and stab him with the gnarled wooden staff of pain?
The latter seemed far more likely.
And yet, Kariya continued. He gave of himself to the Servant, fully aware of his own limitations. He endured the pain.
For the sake of that one, small light at the heart of the darkness.
So there was nothing too hard, no sacrifice too great. His life was entirely without meaning anyway. At least now, he had a chance, however slim, of achieving that which he had always sought.
So he felt the dull hum, the ache of his magical energy being transferred to his Servant. And he relished it, because he knew that with every drop of blood, he moved one step closer to victory.
Eventually, he felt he might die if he gave any more. He told Berserker to stop, and he did.
As Kariya tore off the sleeve had rolled up, and bandaged the wound on his arm, Lio opened his mouth in a wide grin.
His tongue flicked at the corners of his face, lapping up droplets of Kariya's vital fluids. His eyes bulged out of their sockets, and he laughed.
It was the most human thing Kariya had seen him do so far, and it made him want to vomit. There was nothing human about his Servant, and there never had been. Even before the shackles of madness inherent to the Berserker Class were placed on him, Lio Shirazumi was the worst kind of being that called itself 'human.' The sort that should have been killed immediately, euthanized by any better elements of society that possibly could do so.
And so this viscerally human act, laughter, was so unlike his Servant's animalistic nature, that Kariya felt great fear.
Lio tilted his head back, stared at the moon, and laughed hysterically.
His shoulders shook with the force of his laughter, which to Kariya seemed to shake the earth and heavens. Nothing seemed stable anymore, like reality was being ripped apart.
He tried to steady his mind.
You're overreacting. Calm down, he told himself.
"Berserker," he said. "You've had your fill. Now, begone."
Lio made no sign of having heard his Master's order, except to slowly fade away into a black cloud, still cackling.
Even after his form was completely dissolved into smoke, and was blown away by the whistling night breeze, the sound remained.
It haunted Kariya as he walked home, his grip on the world slipping all the way.
Kariya stood at the bottom of the staircase leading to the Crest Worm pit in the basement of the Matou Manor. He watched the writhing mass gurgle below him.
In that sea of worms Sakura had floated, risen, and sunk for so long. And now, she was somewhere else. She was still dead, still lost to the world and to Kariya, but she was alive. And she had been saved, at least for now.
Kariya took pride in that, thoguh he hated himself for letting it happen in the first place.
Not like he could have done anything to stop it, but...
Maybe if he hadn't turned his back on Magecraft, his Father would never have thought to adopt a girl from another family? Maybe.
Maybe... Maybe that was the wrong choice after all.
He had been selfish.
He had prioritized his own happiness, without giving a thought to the possible consequences that could bring on another. Someone innocent. Someone completely unselfish, who didn't deserve to suffer like this.
And now, in order to ensure he does not make the same mistake again, he was going to willingly subject himself to the torment.
He sat on the step leading into the pit, and let his right arm hang over the side.
Immediately, the worms smelled it and jumped onto him. Like leeches, they cut circles in his flesh and burrowed in as they sucked.
The pain was unbearable. But he bore it.
He felt their unholy power filling him, like his soul was being invaded by a powerful demon.
He lay on his back, intent only on enduring it, while trying to shut the outside world from his consciousness.
His arm began to take shape again, to be filled with blood pumping. But the blood didn't feel like his own. It felt like some foreign body that had been inserted into him, that had been used to build a doll that resembled him in only the barest way, but which was dead inside. Devoid of the spark of soul that makes a thing human.
Is that what I am?
The pain, despite coming with renewed, borrowed strength was sending him into the sweet depths of dark unconsciousness.
Is that all I am? A doll? Is that what I have been fighting for?
The right to make myself a machine, as I pursue the salvation of something that only doubtfully still exists.
Sakura has been ravaged by the worms far too long. I look in those eyes and I see only a dull reflection of a cloudy mirror. There is no life in her.
Even if I save her now, I can never undo what she went through here. I can never take those memories away from her. I can never take those wounds away from her body and soul.
So why am I still here?
This pain kills me over and over again.
If I could only see a single, small smile... I could have the strength to continue this forever. I wouldn't need the worms to give me strength with pain to feed my Servant. I'd push myself, somehow, and I'd make it work. I know I would.
But even that! Even the smallest sign I don't get. Only Zouken's empty promises exist to comfort me.
As I wake I am surrounded by the proof of my own incompetence, and as I sleep I am related to the worst dregs of humanity. There is no escape from the feelings of death and inferiority. I want to end it all already, but I know that if I did that would only be a confirmation of my cowardice.
I just have to pretend. I have to pretend there is a smile. I have to light the light of hope in my heart on my own, and pretend that it's real.
I have to establish some connection to reality and happiness - or is that fantasy? No matter. I don't care what is real or fake anymore. Nothing matters anymore.
Even if it's a lie, I have to pretend there is hope. So that maybe, one day, I can finally break out of this endless torture and wake in the light. I know there's no chance of it happening, but I will do it anyway.
But if that light is going to be worth anything, I can't get it by stepping on another. The pain of knowing that someone else suffered to grant me my dream would sully it, defile it such that I could never attach myself to it. I would end up like Zouken, an evil vampire, a creature of shadows. Whether or not I actually am confined to the darkness in reality, I would always be a prisoner of my own heart. The voices inside would never let me rest, always calling me to task for my sins, making me wish I were dead.
And if that happened, would I be any better off than I am now?
So that is the one thing I cannot allow.
His arm felt now like it was full to bursting. He opened his eyes and looked at it.
The worms crawled through it, inside. He felt as if there were no bones in his arm, only ossified worms. They moved as his muscles, the flowed as his blood, they felt as his nerves.
He stood up, shakily.
He looked down into the worm pit.
I am no longer a man, but a worm.
But I shall sacrifice myself for the good of men. I do not hate them, but love them. I only hate myself. I will only turn my hatred inward, and let it consume my own body. For what is the harm in killing something that is already dead? None. We might only gain thereby, reincorporating the refuse back into the endless cycle of death and rebirth.
I will purge myself of all good, and in the pain that I feel I shall sacrifice myself on the altar of salvation. I shall become nothing but a shell, an empty vessel, a hole. And as a hole, I shall be filled with the only thing that matters, and I shall pour it upon those whom I choose.
I shall be filled with the only thing deeper than despair, the only thing wider than pain and sharper than regret.
I shall be filled with love. And no matter who or what exists in that body of the person called 'Sakura,' I shall give her my love.
And then there will be nothing left, and I will be free.
He turned around, and began walking up the stairs.
So come, Sakura. Let me love you.
Hey y'all!
I really quite like writing Kariya. Whenever, as I did when I finished this chapter, I get a feeling like I want to vomit when writing him, I feel satisfied that I did all right.
What a sick soul...
Anyway, there's a fair bit of commonality between certain stories written by Urobuchi Gen, such as Fate/Zero and Madoka. I won't spoil Madoka here but I was decently influenced by some of it here.
I've been rewatching Canaan. Good Nasu stuff. Got a lot of Fate and Kara no Kyoukai in it.
I hope you liked it, and I'd like to do some more chapters just to get properly acquainted with all the Master/Servant pairs... not sure which I'll do next, but we shall see.
See ya next time!