~Sierra~
Sometimes it gets so hard to hide everything. Logically, I know why I feel what I feel. Anger because my mom abandoned Zack and I, a scorching hot fury because she left us with my father who she knew was capable of so much violence. Sadness and a world of self-loathing because, like her, there were times I wanted to run. The residual shock of witnessing unearthly monsters emerge from a world far from the one I lived in. I just allowed it to fester inside of me until I became so numb to the emotions that I forgot they even existed in the first place. And then, I would get a reminder. His voice on the radio, some mannerism of my Grandpa's reminiscent of his son, the smell of whiskey in Pepsi's flask as she opened it on the way to get ice cream. Fleeting images would throw me into a sensory thunderstorm. All I would do is blink and it was over. Then, the cycle continued.
But this… this was too much. The whole 'blink and it will be over' thing really did not apply to this one.
It was Hawkins finest display of opulence yet. It wasn't just a building. No, this mall was symbolic of how Hawkins was abandoning its hicktown roots and modernizing. Starcourt Mall appeared as magnificent as its namesake. Even I had to hand it to the old man, he did well on this one. I'd taken notes of his meetings with the mayor and contractors before the whispers of intrigue began to circulate last year, so I knew just what to expect - or so I thought. Back then, I didn't know he'd get arrested. I was completely oblivious to the idea I'd leave the place I'd called home since the day I was born and go to live with my grandparents. It was his biggest triumph so far, the peak of his career. The building itself loomed over the suburbs, casting its shadow and exiling the independent businesses that had carved themselves a reputation in this town. God, it made me feel genuinely fucking sick. Because in concrete form, Dad had made his mark. There was no getting rid of him. It was just another way of letting me know he would always be lurking around and I would never be able to be freed from his clutches. The first was when the judge said he could have supervised visits with Zack. "For the child's sake" the judge had said. So, for the kids sake he was able to be around a drunken bastard who left bruises on his daughter? Apparently, that was in Zack's best interest. Money talked that day and the power Anthony Nightingale had shined brighter than the lone dollar sitting in my pocket. He'd managed to worm his way back in, using the excuse of, "My father is dying. Do you really want the poor kid to not have a father figure?". The final nail in the coffin was when Grandpa had another trip to hospital. His heart was failing. The stick he'd resented had turned into a wheelchair, then a wheelchair into complete bed rest. Before we even had time to process it, Dad had seized his opportunity. Nana needed time to heal. I'd never heard the bastard even whisper that word before and now he was suddenly using it ten times in a sentence with hands in prayer mode. He fucking despised anything outside of an alpha male stereotype hooked on steroids. But, this whole facade had won the judge and most upsetting of all, it had won over my grandparents. Grandpa started off staunch in his opposition, but the more stressed he got over it, the more my Nana begged him to calm down so he wouldn't die and the more she'd pull me aside and tell me to stop telling my Grandpa how much of an asshole his son was. "He doesn't need the reminder" was what she said. "Neither do I" was my response. My Nana had never once raised her voice to me in my whole life until that day. I was a brat. I was the reason my Grandpa would die. I was pessimistic and a negative influence on Zack because I wouldn't forgive him. I was the fucking anti-Christ because I didn't believe in what the Bible said on forgiveness. I was alone in my room, and then an hour later, I had a plate of freshly baked cookies. I didn't touch a single one.
As if I didn't hear enough of Dad at home, the talk of this mall was everywhere. There was literally no avoiding it. The chatter around school, the awkward side eyes and hushed taunts about a girl who wanted nothing to do with Hawkins most powerful man. Tommy Hagan adequately summed it up for me: "Heiress to over a million bucks and she gives a shit about him being drunk. What a stupid bitch". Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I was a brat. Perhaps that money would be his only way of being a doting dad. It would potentially be the only way to keep Zack safe and healthy. But to me, it was nothing but a leash around my throat. No one else got it. Not even Billy.
The only person who did get it was nowhere to be seen or heard. She'd been missing for 2 years, 2 months and 17 days. 809 days and all I had was a letter and the knowledge money didn't get the better of her. He didn't get to her.
So, as I leaned against Billy's Camaro, I did nothing but glare at the local TV cameras surrounding a podium with no one other than the bastard himself making a speech. I blew out the last of my cigarette smoke and flicked it onto the ground. Let the embers set the whole fucking place alight for all I cared. A petty gesture to how much I despised him. Powerless, yet the only grip on power I still had. He was worming his way back in and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
"They say the camera adds ten pounds" Billy murmured from inside the car, sunglasses resting nonchalantly on his nose.
We'd be here a whole five minutes at my request and I was beginning to regret it. I'd seen Anthony Nightingale once since the whole debacle at Harrington's house. Not even at the custody meeting. We hid how he'd been physically abusive. Instead, they focused on negligence and his alcoholism. I could take people knowing I didn't want to see my dad anymore. However, I never wanted them to know the reason why. They'd either paint me out as a victim or label me as a lying attention seeker. I didn't need them to convince me I wasn't honest, my brain gaslit me enough on a daily basis. Despite knowing what abuse was, my inner critic always gave Dad an excuse. According to this latest ruling, Anthony Nightingale was 'a changed man'. He'd gained weight, smelt less like whiskey and more like expensive designer cologne, and donated a hefty sum of money to a kid's charity. There was no changing this leopard from his spots though. I could see behind the facade. Show the world you're different and everyone will believe it.
Boy, they weren't kidding. Everyone fell for the act, including those most close to me. When Zack came back from a race car experience day with a toy car set and Ferrari baseball cap, laughing his little head off, I didn't know whether to be happy for him or enraged. I mean, fuck, I couldn't criticize a kid for lapping up the attention his Dad was giving him. Nana had chided me - "You need to have faith, Sierra". Faith, my ass. There was sweet fuck all Jesus, God, The Buddha or any other divine entity could do here. Only time was on my side. Eventually, enough time would elapse and the sweet mask would fall, revealing the plot twist nobody expected except me. It was all bullshit and I was just waiting for everyone else to see it too. It felt like I was in Psycho. Just waiting for this seemingly okay guy to be revealed as an utter psychopath. But this was a storyline Hitchcock couldn't even write up. Maybe that's what I should do to shove all his feeble dollar bills back in his face. Write up a movie script of my life, go to a production company and be like, "Hi, have the story of my life. Now give me over $1million" . It's totally a winner.
"Come on, Princess. Let's pull" Billy yawned and sipped on the last little bit of black coffee in the flask.
He was right, we'd be late for our last day at school. I hopped back into the Camaro and buckled myself in, taking a rather uninterested bite of the croissants Nana had bought especially for Billy and I. Graduation Brunch, they'd called it. But I was both electrified with the prospects of a new beginning and sullen. There was too much going on in the background and my voice was starting to drown again. "He's a changed man" and "Zack needs at least one parent" had become the latest tidal waves to drown out my pleas. The moment he'd gotten wind of Grandpa having a heart attack, Dad pounced. He'd managed to convince so many people that he was needed and profited from Grandpa's poor health. The bruises didn't matter anymore. They had vanished alongside any form of perceivable credibility I had left. My memories, my testimonies, meant shit to them, and in turn, they were starting to mean shit to me. Until recently, I was living in somewhat peace. Grandpa's health was inevitable at some point. He was in his late 70s, enjoyed a good cigar and too many steaks. But I'd genuinely talked myself into believing I'd never lay eyes on the person who created those bruises ever again. It was all a lie. Fuck, here I go again.
The Camaro roared and Shout At The Devil blasted as we hit the road again. Sensing my unease, Billy reached over, one hand still on the wheel, and gingerly stroked at the top of my thigh. We'd had one hell of a time since The Championship. Neil finding out about us was sitting at the top of the iceberg alongside this latest ruling. He couldn't stop casually mentioning to Billy that I should come over for dinner. Eating breakfast? Oh, Sierra should come round for some of Susan's cooking. Sitting in silence? Oh, so when is Sierra coming around? It was the only week Billy had showed up to my house without bruises. It was making him nervous. That's the thing about being at the end of your parents fist, when it stops, you wonder what will happen next. Will it be something even worse or have they finally reached the point where the rage dies down? For me, it felt like I was dangling on the edge of a scaffolding. Waiting to save myself or succumb to the temptation to fall. So I hated to think of the emotional turmoil Billy was experiencing right now.
I was so lost in these endless musings that I failed to notice Billy had placed something in my hand. Peering down through my lashes, I had to blink a few times before realizing it was a small, black velvet box. I looked over at Billy who beamed with the dazzling lopsided smile that sent the butterflies in my stomach haywire, waiting to receive some inkling as to why this box was resting in my hands.
"You're meant to open it, Nightingale" Billy whispered sarcastically and winked at me, that teasing smirk of his struggling to hide itself.
"No shit, Hargrove" I giggled and carefully opened the box. My eyes widened and those goddamn butterflies kept bashing into the lining of my stomach. No fucking way. Gently resting in the box, was a golden ring with an emerald gem glinting in the sunlight. "Billy…" I stammered, unable to get anything other than his name out of my mouth. Jesus, he'd be thrilled. "Billy, this - "
" - is cringey as fuck? Yeah, I know, but there's lots of cringey shit I've done this year that the old me wouldn't have done" Billy chuckled, pulling up to the car space that had become ours in the last seven months. The place we met. It suddenly dawned on me this would be one of the last times we'd pull up here and walk into Hawkins High together, and before I could help it, fresh tears sprang into my eyes. There was a sentimental air today and I was really sensitive to it. God, I was such an emotional wreck. "Just see it as my promise to you until I can get you the real thing"
"The real thing?" I sniffed, leaning over to plant a gentle kiss on his cheek. Damn it, I was supposed to be trying to not cry and he says something like that?! Screw it. "This is perfect though, Billy. I don't know what to say"
"Well, as I said, Princess, wait until I can get you the real thing and then you can say yes" he replied, wiping a stray tear from the corner of my eye.
Woah.
I'd seen many sides of Billy Hargrove, but this was another level on its own. He'd given me the necklace he'd worn for years, bought by his mother, and later told me it was because I was his first love. Now, he was giving me another sign that we were the real deal. This ring was his way of saying this - us - was a forever thing. We'd spoken a lot about the future, particularly as of late what with my Dad re-emerging, graduation coming up. We'd spoken about where we wanted to go, the neverending anxieties about where we'd end up in life. More and more we wistfully spoke of our dreams. The little surf shack, my bakery next to it, the house nestled in lavender and wildflowers overlooking the sea. California was our destination, that much we both knew. Whether I'd be able to commit to it just yet with Dad having more access to us was an uncertainty right now. Honestly, my head was in a downward spiral from the very thought of what else his power could afford him. But as I stared at the symbol of hope, a symbol that the forever I craved could be real, my body flooded with a reassuring warmth.
"I'll say thank you in the meantime" I said and watched as he slipped the ring on my finger. It looked expensive. Real expensive. "You really are full of surprises, Hargrove"
"Anything for my girl" he said softly in between kisses. "It'll look good with your dress"
Once again, the man knew how to astonish me. He knew I'd be wearing dark green tonight. It was my favorite color and one that suited me well. Hargrove may be a tough cookie at times, but I seriously loved these romantic gestures of his. From a sweet, gentle kiss in the morning to the squeeze of a hand, I couldn't get enough. What made it even sweeter was knowing I was the only person who had seen this side of him. Whilst I'd been in a relationship before, Billy had only had flings. This was new to both of us though, this sort of love. It was magic, pure magic, and I felt like I was walking on air with him. Gravity became non-existent. For two people whose lives were so unstable, it was a release from reality to discover stability within something we created. In other words, I was head-over-heels for the guy.
"Come on, let's get today over and done with" Billy clambered out and swung around the car to open the door for me.
As soon as my feet hit Hawkin's High's soil, I was immersed in all its colorful glory. Golden banners glimmered in the morning sun, the usual pathway to the school doors lined with yellow and green balloons. All with one simple message: You made it. Despite thinking of this day constantly over the last month or so, the sight didn't fail to make a lump form in my throat. We really did make it. The end we'd envisioned for years now was finally here. Our last day. I had a funny relationship with endings in any form, even with the smallest of things. I'd sit until the very last second to watch the credits of a movie and take in every last detail, or sometimes I'd force myself to stay awake if I woke up in the middle of the night to watch the sunrise. The end of night always came, the television screen would turn to black and the movie theater lights would blast on. Time continued, regardless of how sentimental these things were. But high school felt like it was the one thing that would always be here and now we were leaving it. It almost felt like a betrayal, leaving behind something that was always there for you. I could find a new movie to watch and I knew for sure with every sunrise, a sunset would follow. But there was only one Hawkins High. It had been there for me in my lowest times. I'd hidden myself away in the library, engrossing myself in a book when Mom left for at least a week. I'd paraded the fields and danced at so many football and basketball games over the years. It was where I met Billy, where Nancy and I became friends again after years of being mere acquaintances with one another. Dad would hit me and I knew I'd be able to get some respite at school. Teachers prepare you for exams, for college. But they never prepare you on how to let go of a place you'd called your second home.
Almost sensing all these thoughts going at the speed of light in my mind, Billy laced his fingers with mine and lightly squeezed. Wordlessly, we walked towards the building together and were instantly greeted by an elated Steve, Nancy and Pepsi. Squealing, Nancy and Pepsi pulled me in for a tight hug and we all did this weird little shuffle dance together.
"Only two more classes to go and then it's Bon Voyage , Hawkins High! " Pepsi laughed, hauling Billy and Steve in. "Can you guys believe it? It's finally here!"
"Last day of high school" Steve wistfully said, allowing his eyes to roam the sparkling banners adorned with the words, 'Congratulations, Class of '85'.
He was almost lost in a trance until a sharp inhale took him from his own deep musings. This wasn't exactly the way Steve had envisioned ending the year. His grades had well and truly slipped, no matter how hard Nancy and I tried to tutor him. Hell, even Billy stepped in at one point to help him out with English. So, to his ire and his parents disappointment, Steve was stuck in Hawkins with no job and his parents money keeping him chained to a house he couldn't call home. I smiled at Steve, an attempt to reassure him. School was a cruel place for people who weren't academic. Steve was incredibly intelligent in other fields, like quite literally, on the field. Track, basketball, football, the guy shone brighter than the stars. But whenever it came to words, numbers or formulas, he couldn't quite get the mark. Throwing an arm around me, Steve pulled me in for a side hug. I could feel the conflict emanating from the slight tremor in his arm. He was happy for us all. Nancy and I had landed internships at The Hawkins Post, Pepsi had managed to get herself a job at summer camps teaching Theater and Billy was happy at the pool. After that, Pepsi was heading to University of Indianapolis to study English and Theater, a dream of hers since we were four feet high. Nancy wanted to take a year out to build experience in the field, travel a little. My plans, for now, remained the same - write for the local paper, get away for a little bit with Billy and focus on Zack. As for Steve, the future was full of uncertainty for him. The sole thing keeping him going was the success from the championship game. I wondered if in twenty years time, he'd still be holding on to it.
"You'll get something, Steve" Nancy reassuringly whispered, mindful of how nosy and hungry for gossip people could be around here.
"I know, but hey, at least we won the championship!" Steve pinned a sunny smile onto his lips, but it faltered within moments. He knew as well as we all did that he couldn't hold onto this triumph forever. "You guys heading to The Communion party afterwards?"
"Absolutely" Billy beamed, flashing a grin at me. We could always rely on Hargrove to be the party animal!
"You know I can't resist a little party" Pepsi replied.
"Jonathan and I are gonna catch a movie" Nancy said almost tentatively. Byers was still a sore topic around us. Steve painted on a brave face, but we all knew where his heart still lay. "We should all do something next week though"
"Come to the pool, I'll get you guys in for free" Billy suggested.
"I'm sure Sierra won't turn down the opportunity to see you in lifeguard shorts" Pepsi giggled, winking at me.
I gently shook my head, trying to hide the smile on my lips. I mean, I'd prefer to see him in less but she was right, I seriously wouldn't turn down the opportunity to see him in those shorts. Seriously, it was the only time I'd secretly hope for someone to start kinda drowning because it meant seeing him have the male equivalent of a Phoebe Cates moment.
From the way Billy was smirking, I knew he was thinking the exactly same thing. I playfully dug an elbow into his side and he suavely pretended to zip his lips shut. We were so fucking cheesy. Grinning at us with hands clasped to her chest, Pepsi beamed down at us like a proud mother watching her two ducklings finally swim off. She was just an absolute ray of sunshine and perpetually delighted as she marveled her surroundings. One thing about Pepsi I adored was how she could see the good in everything and everyone. Despite facing how savage the world could be at a young age, she would never fail to light up a room with her chipper outlook on everything. I was amazed at how she'd managed to be friends with a cynic like me for so many years.
"I'm not saying anything" Billy laughed, wrapping an arm around my waist.
"You don't have to, Hargrove. It's all in the eyes!" Pepsi giggled, inciting spills of laughter to flee from our mouths. The bell sounded, ricocheting off the pale walls and thus, signaling the first class of the final day. "Ugh, wish me and Steve luck. We have Biology first"
"Last time ever, Peps" Steve sighed and with a small goodbye, headed to class with Pepsi.
"I'm kinda worried about him" Nancy softly said as she walked with Billy and I to our last lesson with the famous Mrs Simpson.
"Same, he's so quiet" I replied, peering behind my shoulders to see the backs of Steve and Pepsi. A small smile crept onto my lips as I saw Pepsi jumping up to throw a consoling arm around Steve's shoulders, giving him a little shake.
"He'll get there" Billy sighed as he held the door open for Nancy and I. "Give him a couple of weeks and he'll get a job, get some chicks and he'll be happy as a pig in shit"
"Not everything can be resolved like that, Billy. It's like putting on a band aid" Nancy sighed as she fell into her chair. I knew what Billy really wanted to say to Nancy. He craved a time where he could finally shout out what we were all silently thinking. There was still some animosity between us whenever we'd see her with Byers. If she hadn't swanned off with him to God knows where and arrived back as a couple whilst Steve firmly believed they'd had a mere tiff, then he would have been able to process it a lot better. "We'll have a little get-to-together at the pool at some point, that'll be nice"
"Yup" Billy responded, his voice gruff. The guy had extended the invite to whoever was in our small group, not to Jonathan. Personally, I didn't mind hanging out with Jonathan. We'd known each other for years. But, it was still a huge sore spot and I was always going to side with Steve on this issue.
I sat down next to Billy, giving his thigh a squeeze and smiled up at him. He'd been so lovely to Steve and oddly enough, was growing protective of the guy. His blatant display of fondness for Steve was at the championship game. I remembered Pepsi grabbing my hand and Max smiling to herself. We all knew Billy must have summoned everything in him to not have the final shot, it was something he'd dreamed of for years. But for Steve, he was ready to relinquish that so long as Steve had some form of hope to cling onto.
The door flew open and a very out of breath Mrs Simpson followed with a trolley full of cupcakes. Everyone cheered and leaped up from their chairs, coming back with handfuls of the baked goods and leaving Mrs Simpson in the dust and with nothing other than an empty trolley and crumbs. Suddenly though, the whole class came to a halt when a meow sounded from the front of the class. Everyone, in-sync, spiraled around to see Mrs Simpson with a shit-eating grin on her lips, quite literally buzzing with what I can only call undiluted joy.
"Seeing as it's your last day, seniors, and we all went on this journey together, I thought I'd finally introduce you to my pride and joy" All of us waited in anticipation and were utterly taken aback. Instead of some stray cat with matted fur, Mrs Simpson revealed from underneath her beige wool cardigan, a beautiful ragdoll kitten. "At long last meet Snuggles!"
Immediately, all the girls rushed to the front to fawn over the once elusive Snuggles whose trials and tribulations, from fleas to eating some dead, maggot infested bird, we'd grown to actually like listening to as opposed to secretly snickering over. Nancy, having managed to get to the front of the queue, came back over to the desk, cradling this purring bundle of joy. I wasn't exactly a cat person, but even I had to concede, Snuggles was adorable as fuck.
"He's so cute!" I exclaimed as I stroked Snuggle's fluffy belly. The little thing had the most content smile, reveling in the sudden adoration of at least twelve girls.
Well, if I didn't get to college, at least I knew I'd make a good old cat lady. But there's no way in hell I'm calling it Snuggles.
~Billy~
Harrington and I had a plan - not just any plan, the biggest one this year. I was finally going to get my own back on every one of these hicktown bastards. Being a menace, you could say, was my forte. Whilst everyone was waiting patiently for the final bell to ring out, Harrington and I were starting our prowl. We'd both skipped Math to do this. First stop - Mr Lewinsky's class. Oh, she was going to seriously hate my balls for this, but it would be so worth it. So, with a basket full of water balloons and pistols courtesy of Henderson, we made our way to Psychology class. I was fucking pumped for this. For months, I'd craved some form of chaos. The parties were few and far, and I wasn't used to the quiet. So when Harrington mentioned some pranks, I was totally onboard. We snuck around like a pair of kids stealing candy from the 'special' cupboard and trying to pretend we were being complete innocent fucking angels. All the halls were abandoned minus a few stray papers and the odd shadow out of nowhere. As soon as we reached the door to Mr Lewinsky's class, I inconspicuously peered through the window where I saw my first target. Sierra's bored face was partially lit up by the television showing yet another rerun of some science show. Trust Lewinsky to bore a class to death. Trust me to liven some shit up. Within mere seconds, I'd created absolute carnage. An art, if I say so myself, that I had perfected. Brightly coloured water balloons flew across the room, bursting everywhere you could think of. It only took a few and we'd soaked the entire classroom. Oh, I finally got my chance to create a little mayhem around here! Christ, I'd never seen these hicktown dicks so livened up. It was a complete warzone and Harrington and I were the proud culprits of it all. Fuck yes, I needed this! Target by moving/running-for-their-lives target, I got each and every one of these assholes.
Harrington and I ducked for cover under a lab table, cackling away, and slapped each other on the back. He was soaked whereas I was dry as a bone. That was, until Sierra laid eyes on me. Cold as fuck water exploded on my face, and as much as I hate to admit it, a small shriek flew out of my mouth. I stared at her dead in the eyes. Oh, I was so getting my own back!
"It's on, Nightingale!" I yelled and seized as many balloons from the bag I'd left by the door as I could. What I didn't realize was Sierra had sneakily acquired a few water balloons without me seeing and she was shooting them straight back! Such a goddamn tease!
"Do you surrender?" she panted, breathless from laughter. It was so good to see her laugh after this morning. Well, after the last few weeks. She'd been stressed out to fuck recently. The oversized shirt she'd been in this morning was drenched in water. Likewise, I was pretty wet myself.
I casually sauntered over to her, hands clasped behind my back. What she didn't know was I was hiding a little something in these hands. A slight smirk, send a bit of red into her cheeks, Nightingale had no idea what was coming for her. But my girl was too clever. Of course she knew because her smirk was rising just as fast as mine. I stood just a few inches from her and took a sharp inhale.
"Oh, Princess, how little you know me" I chuckled, about to unleash my last move. She took one step closer, eyebrow quirked and emerald eyes seductively twinkling. Well, if she wanted to head back to our secret spot after this to get changed, I seriously would not turn it down. Hm, now that could be an idea.
"And how little you know me, Hargrove" Wait a second, what? I gave my head a shake, dragging it away from the mental image of what I really wanted to do right this second. "Now!"
Just as my self-assured smirk dropped, I felt the onslaught of icy water hit my back. Not just one of the fuckers either, about ten of them! I spun around. Oh, Nightingale, how I underestimated you… I seriously underestimated her this time.
Laughing their tiny little asses off, the whole gang of shitheads were falling over themselves. Sinclair, Max, Henderson, Byers, and Wheeler were all sharing high fives. They didn't even have water balloons. They had goddamn water pistols, and Harrington was stood right between them! The double crossing son-of-a-bitch!
"Sorry, Hargrove, it was just too good an offer to turn down!" Harrington said, shrugging his shoulders and putting his hands up in surrender. I flipped him the bird. The guy was meant to keep this a secret! Damn, he was getting good at this whole 'Get Revenge on Billy' malarky. First Christmas, now this. Before I could even say a word, Max pulled out a camera. Harrington and Sierra jumped in with wide smiles, thumbs up and a look that said, 'I'm so proud of this one' .
"Another one for the collection!" Max announced proudly, blowing a kiss at her handy work.
"I feel like this really captures your good side, Hargrove!" Lucas cackled which, naturally, led to the whole group to basically die from laughter. Collapsing on each other, I really had to restrain myself from joining in. Remember, be moody. You're the cool older brother, the cool and seriously pissed off older brother.
"You turds are seriously asking for it now!" I grabbed my bag and ran after the little shits who fled the room immediately.
"Code red, we have a code red!" I heard Henderson yell. I barely heard the shitbird scream over the sounds of my own laughter. Christ, I was such a dorky bastard now, running after a bunch of kids with water pistols, hurling balloons at them.
Hawkins, you truly have ruined me. But goddamn it, I fucking love you all the same.
~Sierra~
Wow, this was really it. For so long it had felt like a distant dream, but as I sat in front of my mirror, finishing off the last of my loose curls, it suddenly became a reality. We were really leaving Hawkins High.
I wasn't going to college.
I was staying here, being Zack's parent.
My days would be spent taking him to school, working, organizing play dates and making packed lunches.
Reality wasn't just leaving Hawkins High.
The reality was something entirely different and it pummeled into me at the speed of light.
I don't want this.
Fuck, I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating so goddamn fast. Bit by bit, all air was cut off from my chest, traveling into my mouth.
I was going to fail.
I had no future.
You're an awful fucking person, Sierra.
Jesus, I couldn't do this. No, this was too much. Too goddamn much.
A battle commenced inside of me. A battle to calm my erratic heartbeat that wouldn't stop fucking beating, a battle of morals, a constant goddamn war that had been firing away in my head for too long and I'd just shoved it down. It was all coming out. Each and every part of it. Dread filled my lungs where air had failed to go. Where was my lighter? Where's my fucking lighter? I just needed to get back to the present. But there was only one present, only one future. It was Zack. All of it was that kid. Jesus, not just that kid, he's your goddamn brother!
You piece of fucking shit, Sierra. He is your brother.
Trembling hands picked up the lighter. All I needed was the burn. Just one. But I dropped it. You couldn't even keep hold of a lighter. How can you keep a hold of a kid? Dad was going to get him. I'd lose him and this would all be for nothing.
You, Sierra Nightingale, are nothing. Just someone who thinks they can do it all. But I couldn't. Fresh tears stung my face as they surged down at a rapid speed. I buried my head into my legs which I pressed against my body. Blood pounded in my ears, but it couldn't drown out the voice repeating the same goddamn thing: You've failed.
I couldn't look in the mirror. I was a mess. A complete fucking mess. Mascara smeared all under my puffy eyes. I didn't give shit about the mascara. I'd seriously fucked up. I couldn't look after Zack. I could, I really could. But I didn't want to. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why was I thinking like this? The kid needed me. He didn't ask for this. But neither did I. Jesus, no, I really didn't ask for this. I wanted to travel. I wanted to live in California. I wanted to live in that house with lavender and wildflowers. I wanted to write. I wanted to bake. I wanted to just fucking live.
And I couldn't.
Couldn't.
Can't.
Won't.
Was this my choice?
Would Zack hate me? Would Grandpa die? Would Zack turn into Dad?
Did I even have a choice?
I could go, get my degree and come back. No, it was too much time. Too much time for Zack to turn into him, to be on the receiving end.
Time.
It was working against me.
The chime of that clock ricocheted in my head. Droning on and on. It struck me so hard I winced. Wincing, crying, full blown wailing into my pillow. They couldn't hear me. Nana would see I was too weak to take care of Zack. Grandpa would be even more confused. Zack would be concerned. If they heard me cry, he'd win. Dad would win and everything would be destroyed. He was already winning. I couldn't fucking breathe. He was choking me. He always knew how this would end. He always knew he'd be back.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted Zack to be safe and well looked after, but I wanted so much more beyond that. Come on, Sierra. Bring yourself back. I wanted to run. I wanted to tear down this entire room. I wanted to cry and cry so hard that I ached. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be alright. I wanted my Mom.
Only one person was going to do all of these things though.
You, Sierra.
A dull pain dug its way into my skin. I could feel the blood pumping under my nails. You were still here. You never left. I said to Billy, "It's you, it's me, it's us". But right now, it was just me. It would always be just me. I never expected Billy to stay. It was something I said on such a regular basis now. He tossed it aside and reassured me. He was a good guy. I remembered when he heated up Zack's milk, brought it up and read a story to him. All those months ago and it never failed to make me smile. A tear ran over my lips, wet and salty. I was back.
I picked out a makeup wipe, dragging it down my face until the whites of my eyes revealed themselves.
You can do this.
And you will, Nightingale.
After I cleaned myself up, sorting out my makeup again and getting dressed, I made my way downstairs where I was welcomed by a series of gasps and the sound of quiet sobs from Nana. A camera flashed. Dear God, I was too drained for this. I felt like I was virtually dragging myself down these stairs. But the sight of Billy standing next to my Grandpa, who had insisted on being downstairs when we left, and holding a clapping Zack in his arms made me smile. Zack was also dressed in the cutest little suit, all prepped to attend graduation with us. Nana was wearing a long floral dress and the pristine white gloves that never failed to make an appearance at even the most mundane of events. We'd be having a barbecue and she'd bring out the white gloves and pearls! Despite our recent fallout, there was no denying she made an effort.
"There's my girl" Billy said proudly with a broad grin on his lips and placed Zack on the floor. He was dressed in a white shirt, black dress pants and a green tie. My eyebrow quirked upwards. Who knew Hargrove could do matching?
"A matching tie? Wow, Hargrove, you really are full of surprises today" I was wearing the ring he'd given me and by the way he gingerly took my hand in his and brushed his finger over it, he'd definitely noticed.
"You look incredible" he whispered and placed an affectionate kiss on my cheek.
"You're not too shabby yourself! Green suits you" I giggled and nestled my head into the crook of his shoulder, breathing in a generous amount of his signature scent. A flash lit up the room momentarily. Billy and I shared a similar look and burst out laughing at the sound of Nana having a quiet giggle to herself. "Is that one for the photo album, Nana?"
"All of them are, sweetheart!" Nana cheered, practically glowing with glee.
"Ooh, I want one with Billy and Sierra!" Zack exclaimed, throwing himself at Billy who caught him with an exaggerated moan. I tried to hide my laughter. God, what had I been thinking earlier on? Look at the goddamn kid. He fucking loves you both. Zack's round green eyes shone, crinkling as he laughed at Billy making faces at him.
"Wow, kiddo, you've gotten heavier!" Billy strained before throwing a screaming Zack over his shoulder.
"Billy!" Zack cackled, playfully slapping Billy's back. "I'll get my revenge!"
"Just no more water pistols" Billy chuckled, winking at me knowingly. I returned it, knowing fully well that my plan with Harrington earlier was an absolute masterpiece. Billy knew it too, he was just too stubborn to admit it.
"Ohhhh, did Stevie get you good?" Zack asked innocently as Billy propped him on his hip.
"Wait, what?" Billy gasped dramatically and jokingly glared at Zack. "You knew this whole time and didn't tell me? You're meant to have my back, kid!"
"Stevie gave me a cookie though" Zack shrugged and Billy further feigned offense, pouting at Zack. You know, I really wished everyone could see this side of Hargrove. It was so hilarious and wonderful. Just a big kid making Zack's life pure joy.
"I'm wounded, kid" Billy huffed.
"Wow, Sierra was right. You really have been hanging out with Dustin too much" Zack said. I really did raise a genius. God, I felt so guilty. Bury it and move on, Nightingale. Not now. Just enjoy the present, please. Laughter spilled out of my mouth as Billy turned to me and cocked his head to the side.
"Oh, Sierra said that, did she?" Billy said, trying to contain his own laughter. I held my hands up in defense. I wasn't entirely wrong, after all!
"Don't you kids have a graduation to get to?" Grandpa wheezed. I peered over Billy to see him there in his wheelchair. I smiled slightly. It felt so bittersweet. It was so lovely of him to come down, but every time I saw his pallid face and sunken eyes, my heart broke.
"Yes, Sir" Billy chuckled and we met him at the bottom of the stairs.
Billy and Grandpa shook hands. I thought back to the first time they met. Grandpa's hand had a tight grip around Billy's, a motion to suss him out. It was one of the finest lessons he'd given me, how to shake a hand properly. In his own words, he'd said in a serious tone, "A strong handshake reveals everything about someone, my little bird. Too flimsy means you don't trust them, too strong means they're compensating. You need to get it just right". Well, to Grandpa, Billy had gotten it just right. Every night Billy was here, until recently, they'd share a glass of cognac and smoke a cigar together, talking about the days Grandpa was in the war. Billy loved his stories, as did I. Even though Grandpa was firm about what women should and shouldn't do, he extended the gesture of a glass of cognac and cigar to me. It was a sign of respect, a sign of equality amongst us. I knew Grandpa respected me a lot and it meant the world to me. Our relationship was so different to the one Nana and I had. She was my sweet Nana, but Grandpa, he was my rock. Before we moved on, Grandpa coughed. Not in the hacking way we'd grown accustomed to as of late, but in the way that signaled attention returned to him. My lips parted slightly. Pinched in between Grandpa's fingers were his prized possessions - the key to his favourite car. Grandpa had three cars which he fondly called ' The Beaten', 'The Bronze' and 'The Babe'. The keys he had in his hand, extended to Billy, were for The Babe. The Babe was a vintage '50s Cadalliac which before the early signs of his illness crept into his life, he'd wax every two days without fail. The cream leather interior smelled of the classic smell of pine mingling with freshly pumped gas. I'd been in it once when I was around 5 and Grandpa treated me to a drive out to the ice cream parlor Pepsi and I go every Saturday, and I can still remember it like it was yesterday. He mainly used ' The Bronze' which was his usual car, a cherry red Porsche. The Beaten was just something he ran around town if he fancied a little drama in his life. By drama, I mean the thing was utterly fucked and failed to make it past three blocks. Thank God our convenience store was only around the corner.
Billy knew what this moment meant. It was a special bond only car enthusiasts could share together. A common ground, a gleaming sign of approval.
"Thanks, Mr Nightingale" Billy said quietly, slowly taking the keys as if he was anticipating Grandpa to snatch them away suddenly.
"No problem, son. You've been good to my little girl." Grandpa beckoned Billy to lower slightly and patted him on the shoulder, gripping it with as much strength as he could muster. "You're a good kid, son" At those words, I saw Billy swallow hard. Hell, even I thought I was going to have another episode. May as well, Nana was fully prepped with tissues, already blotting her leaking eyes. "Have a good graduation, kids"
I leaned down and gently kissed his cold cheek, feeling some warmth rush into it upon my touch.
"Thanks, Grandpa" I whispered.
"Go get 'em, little bird. You've earned it" he whispered back.
He was right, I really had earned this. Now, it was time to say goodbye to Hawkins High.
~Billy~
Man, I was sweating bullets in this goddamn joint. We were outside, dressed in the traditional graduation gowns. You would've thought they'd make them thinner seeing everyone graduates in summer, but no, apparently we were going to sweat to death instead of graduating. Thick bastards. Speaking of bastards, my Bastard of a Father actually made it. He was lapping all this up. Before I'd left to get Sierra, He'd been full of it.
"Wow, you're actually graduating, son" He'd said in astonishment.
Sure, I was just as surprised as He was, but Him saying it was enough. Suppressing the growl in my throat, I merely smiled and agreed. Better to agree now than have a shiner in my photos. But no, even above the enthused hum of the crowd, I could hear Him gloating to Harrington's folks. Brag about a son He does nothing but admonish, beat and put down. Classic Asshole move. I snorted and moved onto talking with Harrington who shared a mutual look of disdain. After all, his folks were participating in this game of 'Which Kid is Better?'. It was like tennis. Each parent would take their turn, get louder and louder with the gloats, and then one wouldn't be able to serve up another brag because they actually hated their kids and didn't want to admit it. But hey, it's all about image, right? Bastards, the lot of them.
Anyway, I wasn't about to kill the vibe around here. I mean, fuck, I was just happy to be graduating. I'd passed all my classes, got myself a job lined up for after summer. All I had to do was save up a little money working as a mechanic whilst working at the pool, and I was going to get Sierra and I back to California. I knew she really wanted to go. She'd speak so wistfully of San Diego, what lay in store for us out there. Christ, I'd take Zack with us if it meant just being able to get us both out there. I smiled to myself a little as I imagined it: ice cream on the beach after a midday surf, Zack building sandcastles and running to show Sierra and I, us giving him a huge applause and just laughing the night away. Ah, damn, I'd turned into a soppy bastard, but I liked the kid. He was pretty cool. Sassy, for sure. Got that from his sister.
We stood in line, waiting for my name to be called out. I was just before Steve and after Hagan. Hagan had offered me a cheeky line of coke and I had to turn it down. I wasn't about to smash up a vintage Cadillac for a line of what was probably the weakest shit Hagan could get his hands on. Munson, who of course wasn't graduating, really knew how to take the piss with Hagan. Offer him the weakest shit at the highest price, watch Hagan make a tit out of himself, and laugh his way to the bank. I rolled my eyes as Hagan virtually screamed his way onto the stage, posing like a strongman next to the deadpan Principal when the photo was taken. What a disaster of a human. He'd end up in some dead-end insurance job with five kids and a nagging wife wondering what the fuck went wrong as he stared begrudgingly into a TV dinner. I could see it now.
Next was me, and I was sort of shitting myself. I was enjoying making up these little stories in my head about everyone as they went on stage. Hagan's was pretty damn accurate. But what was everyone thinking of me? My time as Keg King in this joint was over, done and gone. Just another high school story to share with the wine gals over a brunch whilst the kids screamed in the background. When Bryony was called up, I imagined her as that stuck-up soccer mom whose kids could do no wrong and would make whiney complaints to a waitress if her eggs had been poached for a second longer. I'd not really thought much about Bryony since I fucked her, not at all. Besides, I got a better deal - the real deal. But I wondered, what would she share with her wine gals over a bottle too many? "I slept with Hawkin's Keg King, he's in a dead end job now" or "Who was Hawkin's Keg King of '84? I slept with him, but I can't remember him!". Was high school really the end of who I was? I'd existed purely on a plane of popularity I didn't give a shit about and parties. Was this the end of that? Sure, I had Sierra, Harrington and Pepsi, but I was built on those parties, on the reputation of a rebel who created excitement. What was to come for me? How would I be remembered here?
"Billy Hargrove" The Principal called.
Shit, my feet weren't moving. Where the fuck was a cigarette when I needed it? Imagine, walking onto stage smoking up. Now, that would be memorable. Damn it, why didn't I think of that before! Suddenly, I found myself on stage, welcomed by the sound of gentle applause and the sound of the basketball team, Sierra, Zack and Pepsi whooping loudly. I shook the Principal's loose hand and smiled for the camera. My signature smirk. Watch the Bastard hang that up in the living room. I'd do it for Him. No, I'd insist and then He can face it after He gives me a good right hook. Your son graduated and made something of himself. Go fuck yourself, Old Man. You were wrong. I sauntered off stage and back to my seat. It was all over. In the blink of an eye, my reign at this shithole ended. Time to cause chaos somewhere else.
After the ceremony was over, I darted my way through the crowd to find Sierra. It took less than ten seconds before she was in my arms. She muttered something about how Zack and her Nana had to leave because Zack's excitement had worn off to the point he was falling asleep. They were getting an ice cream before heading back home, but had told her to wish me congratulations.
"Looks like we're graduates now, Princess!" I chuckled and we threw our caps into the air together. I spun us around, really soaking up the hype, before we collapsed to the floor in a laughing mess. I took off the gown shit, tossing it aside. "Thank God, I was melting in that thing"
"Ugh, same!" Sierra groaned, taking hers off to reveal the dark green bardot dress she'd had her heart set on wearing for months now. She'd worn it the night we first said we loved each other. She looked incredible in it. I tenderly took a bit of grass out of her loose curls, moving the back of my finger to brush her jaw. "I'm really proud of you, Billy"
"Thanks, Princess. I couldn't have done this without you" I said and leaned into kiss her.
This overwhelming feeling of safety surged through me. Like I knew, despite everything going on, with a steely certainty all would be okay. I just knew it would all work out. California, our lives, just everything. We'd source calm in the midst of all this chaos. For once, I felt like life was on the up. So much so, that even when He and Susan walked over, I didn't feel like a kid cowering in the corner anymore. This time round, I was the winner.
"Congrats, Sierra!" Susan squealed and went to hug Sierra.
Sierra returned the hug kindly, but the second Susan retreated, she rushed to share an almost-sisterly embrace with Max. As my eyes wandered across the scene, taking it all in, the undefeatable mood I'd been in soured as I caught a glimpse of Him. Eyes cast downwards, foot tapping and arms crossed over his puffed out chest, I knew there was a time limit on how long I could enjoy the moment. He was counting down the seconds, waiting to blow the whistle and I'd go back to whatever place He wanted me.
"Oh, Billy, you look great! I'm so proud of you, hon!" Susan exclaimed and flung her arms around me. I returned the hug, my eyes fixated on Him.
"He'd look even better if he'd put those graduation robes I'd paid out for back on" He grumbled followed by a customary slap on my back. Keep the appearances on, Old Man. Your mask is slipping. My tongue traced the inside of my lip and my gaze fell to the floor. "So, what's your plans now, Sierra?" He asked.
"I've got an internship with Nancy over the summer at the Hawkins Post. Just some writing" Sierra shrugged.
"Incredible work, your folks must be so proud of you" He said, his voice laced with a fake warmth. I wanted to fucking kill Him. He knew. He fucking knew Sierra didn't have anything to do with her dad. He knew firsthand from Anthony Nightingale's mouth that her mom wasn't on the scene. He fucking knew they weren't here today.
"I'm quite proud of myself all truth be told" Sierra replied, attempting to maintain some form of decorum. She wouldn't allow Him to get to her. But I knew inside, she was screaming. I gave her hand a small squeeze.
"And so you should be! Did Billy tell you he got a scholarship to play basketball?" Shit. Shit, fuck, and goddamn it. I was waiting for the right moment to tell her. "But he's gone and deferred it for a year. Not a good plan if you ask me, but hey ho, whatever he wants!"
Sierra turned to me, her eyes mostly full of pride and joy, but there was something else in there. I couldn't tell what it was. All I knew was she would never talk about it, wouldn't even so much as address the elephant in the room. God, I was dying for a smoke. I was struggling to unclench my fists, my face uncomfortable with this scorching hot sensation. Why did He have to say that?
"Anyway, you kids have a party to get off to" He heartily patted me on the back and took Susan by the arm, leading her away.
That's right, you Bastard. Leave me to deal with the bomb you just dropped. Max gave me a sympathetic look before trailing after our so-called parents. I pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Before you even think of apologizing, don't. You've seriously earned this" Sierra said, rubbing the inside of my palm and coaxing it into unclenching. I let out a blow of air and shook my head gently, feeling my curls drop feebly across my face. "Billy, you really have earned this"
I knew I had. I'd worked my ass off this year, but I had a pang of guilt. She knew I wanted her to come with me. I knew it was a risk asking for San Diego State College to defer the scholarship for a year. Jesus, I'd never let out such a big exhale when I got a letter saying they'd approved it. I'd be majoring in Mechanical Engineering, hopefully. I was willing to wait though if it meant she could come with me. I smiled in response to what she said, stroking a stray ringlet out of her eye. Suddenly, we were hauled back into reality as Harrington, Pepsi and Nancy leapt onto us both. The girls were having their girly moment - jumping and letting out elated squeals. Harrington and I merely observed with a lopsided smile before shaking hands.
"Oh come on, you guys, stop being so cool!" Pepsi huffed and before we even had a chance to object, she'd heaved us both into the circle of jumping girls. Harrington and I stood dead still, rolling our eyes. "Ugh, such macho men" Pepsi mocked in a low voice, pretending to kiss her muscles and snickering away.
"And now, ladies - " Nancy started with an excited expression of anticipation on her face.
"Woah, who's ladies ?" I laughed, earning a slap on my arm from Pepsi.
"We all know you'd rock a pair of heels, Hargrove" Pepsi stated in a matter-of-fact voice.
"In your dreams, Peps" I countered, cackling at her flipping me the bird.
"Always, Hargrove!"
"Guys!" Nancy jokingly snapped. Probably not so jokingly. She raised her eyebrows at Pepsi and I. Definitely not jokingly. "Time for summer to start! Who's hitting The Communion tonight for a swim? Jonathan and I are going to the movies another night"
"About damn time" I murmured, throwing off my robes again.
Wordlessly, I took Sierra's hand and we ran through the hordes of overjoyed families over to the Cadillac. I'd brought all our stuff for tonight. I could deal with sitting through graduation and all the poncy shit, but this was the part I was really looking forward to. The sky was still bright blue, no clouds to be seen, and the atmosphere was electrifying. Everyone was at The Communion tonight. Despite our new graduate status, we all still had a curfew. However, Hopper said he'd go easy on us. We had until 10pm before he'd start tearing up the place.
"Wait a second, is this The Babe ?" Harrington gasped, pretty much entranced by the beauty that was this car.
"Yup, and I'm driving it, so sit your ass in the back" I cackled and watched as Harrington's jaw virtually fell to his feet.
"This is gonna be torture, seeing you drive this thing" Harrington muttered as he took his place in the backseat. God, that was a sight to behold. The rest of them filed in. "Just slow down okay, man? No flying over potholes"
"Jesus, Harrington, who do you think I am, some monster?" I said in mock affront as I started up the engine. "I'll save that for the Camaro"
"Ooh, I feel bougie" Pepsi exclaimed.
"As if your Grandpa brought this out! I swear, I've only seen this out once and that was over a decade ago" Nancy said as she delicately took off her graduation cap. "Imagine driving this to the office, hey?"
"Ugh, in my dreams, Nance" Sierra groaned.
As I tuned the radio, the right song started blasting out.
"Shit, yes! This is going up!" I yelled out followed by a series of whoops from the others. Windows rolled down, the beautiful summer rays finally beaming down on us, I was ready to rock up this joint.
Cum On Feel The Noise blared out. Our singing was louder than the actual band, but there was no singing over that goddamn delicious electric guitar. Harrington and Pepsi performed their best air guitars, and for once, Harrington wasn't afraid to mess up his hair as he headbanged with a vigor I'd never witnessed. I'd taught the asshole well.
Before we knew it, we were at The Communion. The place was absolutely packed! Cars lined up close to the lake, the water glistening in the full summer sun. Flies that were peacefully hovering over the water quickly dispersed when Hagan and a load of the basketball boys dove straight in. With a primal scream, they shook their heads like wet dogs and cracked open the foaming cans of beer. I was half amused, half unmoved. I knew there was probably no chance I'd see them again after today other than at parties. Hagan was moving to Indianapolis to study business and the others were probably doing the same. I cracked a can of my own once out of the car, savoring the ice cool beer as it slithered down my throat. Time to unwind and enjoy myself.
"Ahem, Hargrove, where's mine?" Pepsi inquired playfully, leaving Nancy and Sierra to get undressed into their bikinis.
I grabbed two from the cool box.
"For you and Heather" I murmured quietly. Pepsi stared at me like a rabbit in headlights. I shrugged my shoulders. "Sierra didn't tell me"
"Then how - " she stammered.
"You use the same spot Sierra and I do" I whispered. I wasn't going to tell Pepsi I'd walked in on Heather going down on her once. I'd not told a soul, not even Sierra. But I knew Sierra had full knowledge of Pepsi's sexuality and probably about Pepsi dating Heather. "You do you, Peps"
A broad smile spread on Pepsi's face and she unexpectedly drew me into a heartfelt embrace.
"You're a gem, Hargrove" she whispered. Her voice was completely different in a whisper, slightly lower and shrill. For the first time, I realized Pepsi had been putting on a pretense that went beyond a Marilyn Monroe fanatic. It made me wonder who was beneath the surface. She'd carved an entire personality based on another person. Who really was Pepsi Jones? Either way, I knew she was a good friend. Pepsi placed herself back onto the ground steadily and gave me a wink, retrieving the beer cans from my hands. Attentively, she did a quick scour of the area. "Do you think she likes me?"
"Enough to give you some good head" I laughed. Pepsi gasped dramatically and swatted my arm. "Ugh, fine. Yeah, I think she does. I mean, she's looking over right now"
Pepsi did one of the most inconspicuous spins I'd ever seen, her cheeks filling with a bright red.
"Okay, I'm going over!" she squealed and did a little run over to Heather who bit the inside of her lip the second Pepsi greeted her. I was sure I'd hear all about it later.
"Pepsi seems excited!" Sierra said as she joined me, leaning against the Cadillac. I passed her a beer which she opened immediately.
"Yeah, she sure does" I laughed and flung my arm around Sierra, pulling her close.
We watched Pepsi and Heather as they giggled wildly at each other's jokes. My view soon shifted to Harrington who was chatting with Nancy. They looked deep in conversation, Harrington's eyes intent on hers. I wasn't sure about Nancy. She'd seriously hurt Harrington, more than he let onto anyone else. When I got bored of watching them, my eyes roamed the entire field. I wondered whether the couples making out would end up married, if Munson, who was already caught up in multiple business deals currently, would ever graduate. Then as I looked at Sierra who had nestled her head into my shoulder, I wondered if we'd make it to California.
As the sun made its descent, the sky glowing with hues of pink and purple, I wondered what else lay in store.