Team Rocket was not nearly as bad as Croagunk thought they would be. They were bad, and annoying, but they weren't the scum of the earth. They weren't the most evil people in existence. Not even close. They were just pokémon thieves who were incredibly incompetent. Croagunk quickly came to realize that Brock and his friends were more than capable of handling Team Rocket. They didn't need his help.
He knew that he could just go to Brock and try to join him. He'd seen the young man a couple of times since he'd started following Team Rocket around, and the trainer was always happy to see him. Brock gave him food, and talked to him, and he genuinely seemed to care.
Every single time Croagunk saw him the feeling in his stomach got stronger. He felt happy around Brock, and the feelings were incredible. He felt good, and Ash and Dawn were starting to warm up to him now too. He didn't think they liked him, but they didn't accuse him of conspiring with Team Rocket again.
He wanted to join Brock, and stay at his side. He had a bad feeling though. Croagunk had been let down by so many people and pokémon. He had learned to not let his hopes up. Brock was an exception, and he was scared of disappointing him, or being disappointed by him. Croagunk didn't want to open himself up more than he already had until he was sure that it would be worth it.
He stayed close to Team Rocket, just because Meowth was ready and willing to talk to him. They weren't friends. It wasn't what either of them were interested in. Croagunk just liked that Meowth saw who he was, and he accepted him, even if he didn't like him. As for Meowth, a part of him seemed to appreciate Croagunk's dry comments. He thought he was funny, up until Croagunk started making these comments about him.
Sometimes Team Rocket planned their schemes for days. Other times they just struck on a whim. Neither situation really went better or worse for them. They failed either way. They could target wild pokémon, trained pokémon, strong, weak, playful, aggressive, it didn't matter. Team Rocket couldn't get pokémon for their boss. The only pokémon they could get were their partners.
Croagunk just sat back and watched them sabotage themselves. It was humorous, but it also got old. He wished they would try something new.
And then they did.
They were going after a wild pokémon this time. A young nuzleaf. Before Team Rocket had a chance to go after the nuzleaf, Brock and his friends started earning its trust. Apparently the young thing was separated from its home and family, and the humans were intent on returning it. Especially Brock.
While Team Rocket had put together a scheme to get the nuzleaf, Croagunk had just stayed out of sight of the younger humans and watched them. He watched Brock talk gently to this scared nuzleaf and get it to put down its walls.
Normally seeing Brock be so gentle and kind would make Croagunk's stomach twist in that strange and pleasant kind of way. Now, seeing him with the nuzleaf, acting like he had known this poor pokémon his whole life, Croagunk's gut churned and twisted in knots. He felt upset, and that familiar feeling of betrayal and abandonment.
When Brock smiled at him, Croagunk felt like he was finally seen as more than a disgusting beast. When the boy sat with him just to talk, he felt like somebody actually liked him and enjoyed his company. He thought that he could come to see Brock as a friend and trainer, and he definitely thought that the boy felt the same way.
But now here was Brock, giving that same encouraging smile to nuzleaf, and talking to him in that gentle tone that Croagunk had felt was just for him. It was at this moment that he realized that Brock hadn't treated him kindly because he necessarily liked him, it was because he cared about pokémon.
He knew that Brock didn't talk this way to all pokémon that he interacted with. He talked that way to his bonsly, so Croagunk had thought that this way that he connected to pokémon was reserved just for those that he had a stronger relationship with. He'd thought it meant something.
Seeing Brock with this nuzleaf, Croagunk had a frustrating and horrifying realization. Bonsly was a baby. Nuzleaf was still incredibly young, and needed help. Croagunk, while far from a baby, he had been in a potentially vulnerable situation, and Brock had felt the need to care about him.
Croagunk knew that Brock had been worried about him when they'd first met. The trainer had invited him to sit with him and offered him some food because he'd thought that he was a pokémon that was being mistreated. Brock had to know that he wasn't Team Rocket's pokémon, but he was still worried about him. He didn't think he was safe.
Croagunk had appreciated the attention, because it gave him the chance to be around Brock. Now though those feelings soured. Brock was protective of all pokémon, but this careful tone and gentle attention was apparently reserved for those that he thought needed that extra care.
Croagunk was a fully grown pokémon. He was a fighter. He took care of himself, and he'd been doing so his whole life. He didn't need anybody to protect or take care of him, especially if it was just out of obligation.
Croagunk felt like he had hit himself with a poison jab, like a punch in the gut and a sickening twist in his insides. He wanted to walk off and let himself get lost in the forest. He wanted to not even look at Brock, and just hope that this sense of betrayal eased with time, though he wasn't optimistic about it.
He couldn't take his gaze away from Brock coddling the nuzleaf, no matter how much it hurt. He wanted Brock's attention, and at the same time he never wanted the trainer to talk to him like he was vulnerable and needed help. Seeing the nuzleaf sparked vague senses of jealousy and frustration, and somehow it made that empty numbness that he always felt even stronger.
How could he feel more than he normally did and yet still be so numb?
"Yeesh, what's your deal?" Croagunk was yanked from his furious musings by Meowth. He didn't look away from Brock, but he felt the other pokémon come to stand next to him. "I've never seen you so worked up."
Croagunk huffed, but didn't even look his way. What was Meowth even doing talking to him? Why wasn't he working with his humans to conspire to catch a pathetic little nuzleaf?
"We were actually about to get started with that." Meowth said. "You sure you don't want to jump in on things at the last second? Who knows, maybe you'd have fun." Croagunk stiffened and felt his poison fill his fingertips. He'd made his intentions of helping Team Rocket very clear. They had an arrangement here. What made Meowth think he could try to go back on it?
"I'm not going back on anything." Meowth said irritably. "All I'm saying is that you seem pretty mad at that nuzleaf and the twerps. I thought you might like the chance to take it out on them."
Croagunk did feel mad, but not at nuzleaf, and definitely not at Brock. He was mad at himself. He'd let himself get his hopes up about Brock, and even now he couldn't help but cling to that . He should know better.
"I thought fighting types jumped at the chance to be in the heat of things." Meowth commented. "I can see how mad you are. Why don't you want a fight?"
A part of Croagunk wondered the same thing, but then he saw the way that Brock smiled. Even if it wasn't aimed at him, and even if he knew what that look meant, it still made him eager to please the trainer.
Croagunk didn't say anything to Meowth, but the other pokémon followed his gaze. He sighed.
"Oh, I get it." Meowth sounded tired and a little resigned. Croagunk finally looked at his companion. Meowth was frowning at him in a way that was disappointed, confused, and a little pitying. "You poor sap."
Croagunk croaked in a near growling way. If there was one thing that he was, it wasn't a poor anything. He wasn't somebody to be pitied, or taken care of, or anything like that. Why was it that he let himself want Brock, and he opened himself up to Meowth, and both of their reactions were that he was pathetic, weak, and needed somebody else to look out for him?
"The older twerp thinks that everybody needs to be taken care of." Meowth said, as though Croagunk didn't already know that. He'd spent so much time thinking about Brock and trying to spend time with him. If he bothered to do that of course he would notice such a fundamental part of Brock. "It's how he shows he cares."
Croagunk knew that, but he still couldn't help but feel betrayed, and upset, and confused. He felt like he had seen more in their interactions than were there, and he felt like a fool for it. He'd thought that Brock had been feeling the same way.
Meowth crossed his arms and closed his eyes. "You know, if you want to know if he likes you, we can do a little experiment."
Croagunk shouldn't listen. He knew he shouldn't, but he wanted to know, and Meowth wasn't judging him. He seemed casually interested in helping. Maybe he was just doing this so that he could get Croagunk to leave them alone, but he still felt like Meowth was being sincere, as much as he knew how. He just wished that he knew what the other had in mind.
"Oh, you'll see." Meowth smirked. 'Give me a sec." He stood up and headed back to the others. Croagunk returned his gaze to Brock, who was just watching bonsly and nuzleaf and smiling fondly.
Croagunk sat there for a long moment before Meowth came back. The other pokémon grabbed his arm and pulled him up. "Come on."
Croagunk croaked curiously as he followed Meowth. The other pokémon just smirked. "Hey, you wanted my help with the twerp, this is the help I'm giving you. I swear, it'll show you whether he actually cares about you."
Curious, hurt, and just wanting to be at Brock's side, Croagunk let Meowth pull him to the others and only thought that it might be a mistake when he saw that James had his carnivine out. He didn't like the looks in their eyes. They were up to something, and he didn't want to stick around.
Croagunk yanked his arm out of Meowth's grip, but he barely took two steps before he heard James order his pokémon to use bind. In an instant he was stuck in place by vines. He couldn't move, and the vines were just tight enough that he couldn't gather his poison to attack.
He huffed and glared at Team Rocket. Meowth held up his arms defensively. "Hey, do you want to know if you're a fool or not? If the twerp cares about you, then he'll show it when he sees you're in trouble."
Croagunk croaked irritably. He didn't want Brock to care just because he thought he needed him. That was the whole reason why he was feeling hurt in the first place. He wanted Brock to care because he cared, and that wasn't going to happen, because people didn't care about Croagunk. Not really.
"You're probably right, but it's always nice to know for sure." Meowth said as all of them started to head towards the children to confront them. "Besides, this could make our job a lot easier too. We'll both win."
Croagunk's stomach twisted. They were using him to try to steal pokémon. Again.
He tried to pull back or resist, but the bind just got tighter. He croaked in frustration just as they came out of the bushes and went towards the children. Brock turned first, and he looked genuinely concerned when he saw them.
Team Rocket started their usual introduction, but Brock didn't let them get very far. "What are you doing with him?" Brock stepped their way, but the grip around Croagunk got tighter. He couldn't help but whine in pain. Brock stopped in his tracks, frozen and looking terrified.
"We're here to make a deal." Jessie said. "You want this ugly little thing? Give us the nuzleaf, and he's all yours."
Croagunk felt a very mild sting at being called ugly, but it didn't hurt anywhere near as much as this test for Brock's feelings. Croagunk knew exactly what Brock would do. He was being asked to choose between Croagunk, a grown and capable pokémon, and a young nuzleaf who was separated from his home and family. There was no contest. Brock would choose the nuzleaf.
Croagunk knew that it was coming. There wasn't even a little bit of hope to the contrary, and yet it still hurt when he saw the pained and apologetic look that Brock gave him.
"You can't have the nuzleaf." Brock said quietly. Croagunk felt a sense of betrayal and distress, stronger than he'd ever had. It hurt and made the constant feeling of emptiness in his chest somehow stronger.
Croagunk huffed and looked to the side. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Meowth giving him an almost concerned look, but he didn't care. Meowth was the one that had dragged him into this, and for what? To prove a point? To show Croagunk that nobody, not him, and not Brock, wanted him around? He didn't have to do this. Croagunk already knew. He'd always known.
The humans argued and fought, and at some point Team Rocket pulled out that classic net of theirs and tried to capture the nuzleaf that way. Croagunk didn't really pay attention to any of that. He was blocking all of it out, because he would really rather be anywhere but there.
He didn't see if Team Rocket pulled off their attempt to take the nuzleaf, because as the confrontation started he could feel carnivine's hold on him get weaker. Croagunk poison jabbed at the vines binding him in place and retreated from the hold. He didn't run to Brock's side, or help Team Rocket. He ran the other way, because getting away from these stupid humans and the stupid confusing feelings that they seemed to bring out with him, it was all he cared about doing.
Croagunk wasn't really a runner. He could never be bothered to do so, because he was never given a good reason. He couldn't get away from the tight feeling in his chest, but at least he could get away from the ones causing this feeling.
He heard Brock call out to him, but he didn't stop. He just ran faster. He didn't want to hear the boy's excuses and explanations for not being able to be what Croagunk wanted. He didn't even know what Croagunk wanted. Croagunk didn't even know what he wanted. He just knew that he couldn't have it, and he was a fool for thinking otherwise.
He ran, despite how wrong it felt. He was a fighting type pokémon. If he wanted something, he fought for it. He didn't run. Until today, apparently. How did Brock do this to him?
Croagunk ran until he found himself at a creak in the forest. He caught a glimpse of his reflection, and he couldn't help but stare at it. He was looking for a reason why he was like this. Why did Brock think he was vulnerable? Why had he let himself want the human enough to even let himself feel like this at all?
Why did he still want to go back to Brock, even though he knew that he didn't want him? He should be better than that.
Croagunk knew that he wouldn't get any answers by just staring at his reflection, but still he sat there, just looking at himself, for the rest of the day. By the time the sun went down he was still staring at the water, even though it was too dark to see his reflection. He was too lost in his own mind to notice or even care.
He felt weird. The numbness in him had spread and gotten deeper. He felt like he wanted to go home, which was a ridiculous feeling. How could he ever want something that he'd never had, and probably never would have.
A few hours after sundown he felt somebody approach him again. Even before he heard talking he knew who it was.
"I was wondering where you ran off to." Meowth said. Croagunk wanted to hit him and show him just what happened when he was messed with. He didn't have the mental energy to do so. It wouldn't make this feeling any better.
Meowth sat next to him. "The nuzleaf got away, in case you were wondering." Croagunk hadn't, in fact, thought twice about the nuzleaf. He'd just been thinking about himself. Maybe that was why Brock didn't want him.
Meowth sighed. "Look, I get it, shoving that onto you was cruel, but I think we both knew that this thing between you and the twerp wasn't going to go anywhere. I thought a little bit of pain today was better than letting this go on. It was just going to hurt more. Take it from someone who knows." There was something genuine and almost raw in Meowth's voice.
"You know, I once had a thing for someone who was way outta my league." Meowth said quietly. Croagunk just kept on staring at his reflection. "I tried to do everything I could think of to impress her. I learned how to walk and talk like a person, because that was the kinda thing she cared about. I wasted so much time on her, and she broke my heart right in two."
Meowth looked at Croagunk. "If someone don't like you for who you are, they aren't worth liking."
Except nobody liked Croagunk, and after all this time it made him wonder if maybe he was the problem.
He didn't think he did anything wrong. Croagunk liked who he was, and he was normally able to just shrug off other people's opinions.
Tomorrow he'd probably be able to go back to being unbothered by what anybody else thought of him. Maybe he'd even be able to go back to trying to find any reason to be by Brock's side, because there was nothing else in his life worth thinking about right now. Maybe Brock didn't care about him right now, but he was willing to at least be around Croagunk. Maybe if he got to know him then he'd actually want him.
It was a big if, and he knew that he was probably just setting himself up for disappointment, but he couldn't stop the hope any more than he could stop the pain.
It was something to think about tomorrow though. Tonight Croagunk was just going to sit here and, just for a little bit, feel bad about himself. Meowth didn't say another word to him. He didn't try to comfort him, or call him an idiot. He just sat there next to him.
They weren't friends. Especially not after the stunt that Meowth had pulled. But though Croagunk didn't want to interact with anybody right now, he didn't want to be alone either. Sitting in silence with someone he could barely tolerate was a decent enough compromise, though it did nothing to ease the empty feeling inside of him. Croagunk was starting to think that nothing and nobody, not even Brock, would be able to do that.