Croagunk frequently didn't understand his own feelings. He knew he wanted something from Brock, but he didn't really know exactly what, and it was frustrating and terrifying. He had thought that he wanted the trainer's understanding and respect, and that was why he had hated the thought of Brock only caring about him because he felt like he was just somebody that he needed to take care of.
But when Croagunk had done the dress-up contest with Brock, he'd been respected. Brock hadn't forced him to participate because he thought he knew what was best for him, and he didn't force him to drop out because of the same reason. He'd let Croagunk make his own choice, and people didn't do that for pokémon that they didn't respect.
Croagunk thought that he wanted nothing more than to join Brock and be at his side. He'd participated in the silly dress-up contest because it was a chance to do something one-on-one with the trainer, and he'd done his best to win because then Brock would get an egg that he would baby, and then maybe he wouldn't turn that nurturing nature onto Croagunk in a suffocating way.
But Brock had said that he wanted to catch him, and he'd certainly sounded like he meant it, but instead of feeling the elation, or even contentness that he should be feeling, Croagunk had just felt a rush of panic and a need to get away.
He'd run away from Brock, which went against everything in him. Croagunk wanted to be close to the boy, and even if he didn't, he was a fighting type. He didn't run from anything. If there was a problem, he fought it head-on. It was in his nature. So why had he run?
Croagunk wished he understood, but at the same time he didn't even want to think about it.
He thought about taking some time off from Brock, but he found himself following the young trainers again. He stayed at a distance, and kept away from Team Rocket, because he needed some space. Still, he couldn't help but crave the ease and camaraderie that the other pokémon had with their trainers.
He wanted that, but he was also scared of what that would mean.
He had planned on keeping his distance for a fair amount of time, until he could figure out his emotions, but then he was found. The kids were planning on riding on a river cruise, and they set their pokémon out to explore the ship with them before they set sail. Not wanting to be left behind, and curious about the boat, as he'd never seen this kind of thing, he followed them aboard.
He still kept out of sight, but he was a lot closer than he was usually comfortable with. Being this close to Brock, he couldn't drag his eyes away from him. As such, he didn't notice the small happiny until she had cheerfully waddled over to him.
She was cheerful, and excited, and so young that Croagunk couldn't actually understand her happy cries. She was just a baby.
Croagunk was used to pokémon being scared around him, or at least cautious. Especially young pokémon, because they were so young and small. To see this small pokémon, probably no more than a hatchling, be so happy to see him, it was new, and nice, and more than a little terrifying.
"Happiny!" Brock called out as he rounded a corner. He faltered slightly in his steps when he saw Croagunk, and the pokémon grew tense, worried that the boy would be disappointed. It was a weight off his chest when Brock smiled brightly at them.
"Looks like you found a friend." Brock knelt and held his hands out. Happiny let out a happy cry as she ran into his arms, hugging him. She gestured to Croagunk, never easing up on her excitement. Brock laughed and pet the happiny. "Yes, he is nice, isn't he?"
Croagunk blinked and croaked. He didn't know if the happiny had actually said that she thought he was nice, as there was no way that Brock could understand her any better than Croagunk could. Regardless of what Happiny had said, Brock said that he was nice, and Croagunk didn't know what he had done to deserve a description like that.
"Have you been following us?" Brock asked. He didn't sound judgmental. If anything, he sounded hopeful. Croagunk nodded, and Brock's smile broadened. "We're going to go on a boat ride. Did you want to come with us?"
Croagunk was already planning on going on the boat, but he didn't think that was what Brock was asking. This wasn't about the boat itself, it was about being with the group.
When Croagunk didn't reject the offer right away, Brock tried to expand. "You know, adventures are always a lot more fun with others." And maybe that was why Croagunk felt like he didn't really know what fun was. He'd never really had the chance to be with others, because nobody wanted to be with him.
Except, apparently, Brock.
"You don't have to if you don't want to." Brock said. He sounded like he meant it, and it made Croagunk's stomach flutter in an uncomfortable, but not necessarily unpleasant, way.
Knowing he was probably going to regret this, Croagunk nodded and walked towards the boy. Happiny and Brock both looked like he'd made their day. He didn't think he would ever get used to being the source of somebody's happiness.
They walked along the deck, with Happiny insisting on holding Croagunk's hand as she chattered happily to him and pointed to everything she saw. Brock watched them, looking almost proud.
"You know Happiny hatched from the egg that you won from me." Brock said. Croagunk blinked. He didn't know why he was surprised. "I have her all thanks to you." Happiny made a happy sound and clutched at Croagunk's hand with both of her own. She squeezed and...okay, ow. For such a little one, she was incredibly strong.
Croagunk instinctively let his fighting nature out. Happiny's squeeze didn't necessarily hurt, but he saw it as a challenge of sorts, and he didn't back down from a challenge. He squeezed back with more force than he would use for someone so small. Happiny's eyes brightened and she giggled, giving his hand another squeeze even stronger than the last.
"Careful, you two." Brock said. "You don't want to hurt each other." Croagunk would normally get insulted at the implication that he would hurt anybody, but he didn't feel that now. He knew that Brock really was talking to both of them. Happiny may just be a baby, but she was incredibly strong.
They went to the main deck of the ship where Ash and Dawn were talking and many of the pokémon were playing. Happiny pulled Croagunk towards the other pokémon, who were playing a hoop game.
"Look who we found." Brock looked over to the pokémon as he joined his friends. Dawn smiled. Gone was any sign of the reluctance or disgust that she had once felt when he had first started following them.
"Croagunk!" Dawn waved at him. Happiny was still holding one of his hands, but Croagunk slowly lifted his other one in a half-wave. Dawn almost squealed at the sight.
"Are you going to catch him?" Ash asked Brock. Croagunk felt a spike of excitement and fear at the question. He still didn't know what he wanted.
Brock gave Croagunk a small smile. "We'll figure that out later." It was clearly something that he still wanted, but he wasn't going to push Croagunk past what he was comfortable with, and he appreciated that.
He wanted to stand at Brock's side and listen to his conversation with the other children, but Happiny had noticed that he wasn't paying attention to her, and she gave him a sharp tug to get him to focus. He reluctantly turned his attention to the game, marveling at the fact that it wasn't just the little Happiny who was trying to get him into the game. Ash and Dawn's pokémon that were playing with the hoops were all going out of their way to make sure that Croagunk knew that he was welcome to join them if he wanted to. It was an odd feeling.
He didn't want to play with hoops. He didn't really like games, even when he understood what the rules were. Happiny insisted on handing one to him though, and she looked like she would grow if he didn't take it. He didn't want to play, but more than that he didn't want Brock to think that he had done something terrible to his new pokémon. He accepted the hoop, and Happiny was satisfied.
While the other pokémon tossed their hoops around and threw them at each other, Croagunk just crouched on the ground, setting his hoop on the ground in front of him. He ran his hand in circles around the hoop. The repetitiveness was oddly soothing.
He was so absorbed in this simple action that he didn't really pay attention to what Brock and his friends were saying until the older boy came to stand before him.
"Hey, Croagunk, me and the others are going to go to a nearby mart to pick up some things." Brock said. "We thought we'd just let you pokémon keep having fun, and we'll be back soon, but if you'd rather come with me, that's okay too."
Croagunk croaked and thought about it. He wanted to be at Brock's side. He was the only one that he really cared about, but these pokémon were going out of their way to include him, and he thought that he at least owed it to them to try to let them in.
Besides, it was clear that Brock, his friends, and all of their pokémon were a package deal. Maybe if Croagunk felt more comfortable around the others, he'd feel better with the idea of being with Brock.
Croagunk looked at the other pokémon, who Ash and Dawn were talking to. He nodded. Somehow, this was enough for Brock to understand what he meant.
"We shouldn't be long." Brock said. He patted Happiny, and then rubbed Croagunk's head similarly. He thought he would find the gesture to be demeaning, but he just leaned into the touch, finding comfort in it.
The humans soon left, and Croagunk immediately wished he'd gone with them. He sat on the ship's railing and watched them leave, and then stared at the tree line. He probably would have sat there watching and waiting until they came back if Pikachu hadn't hopped up to join him.
"Is this your first time waiting for your human?" Pikachu asked. Croagunk gave him a sideways glance.
"He's not my human." Croagunk huffed. Pikachu gave him a small smile.
"But you want him to be." Pikachu pointed out. "And he wants to be."
Croagunk looked down at the water. He could just make out his reflection. "What if he changes his mind?"
Pikachu blinked. "You don't think he really wants you?"
"Nobody ever has before." Croagunk said. He wasn't being self-pitying, he was just stating a fact. Still, Pikachu made a wounded sound.
"Brock's different." Sudowoodo leaned against the railing next to them. He looked much more at ease than Pikachu did. "He cares about all pokémon, and he really cares about you." Croagunk didn't really believe him, but he couldn't ignore the fact that Sudowoodo was Brock's pokémon. If anybody knew how the boy felt, and what he was like, it was him.
"But what if I hurt him?" Croagunk wondered. He stiffened. "Or what if he hurts me?" He wasn't worried about physical pain, but he felt so vulnerable around Brock. It was like all of the walls that he'd been building up his whole life just crumbled around him as soon as Brock looked his way. He didn't know how to keep himself safe from his own sensitivity.
If Croagunk was being honest with himself, he was scared, and he hated it. And yet he kept on returning to Brock and opening himself up to those feelings.
Pikachu tilted his head. "I used to wonder the same thing about Ash. But he proved he would take care of me, and I proved to myself that I could, and would, take care of him. But I had to trust him first."
Croagunk wrapped his arms around himself and didn't answer. Pikachu leapt back onto the boat and dashed off to check on the other pokémon. Sudowoodo stayed with Croagunk. They didn't really talk, they just sat there. It wasn't really a comfortable silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable either.
It wasn't long before Happiny came toddling along. She grabbed Sudowoodo's hand and started to pull him back to either show him something or play with him. When he started moving, she moved her big eyes to Croagunk. He reluctantly climbed down and started following them.
They went into a fancy dining hall. There was a lot of noise going on, but Croagunk barely noticed any of it. He was caught up in his head.
Happiny wanted him around. Pikachu and Sudowoodo seemed to like him well enough. And then there was Brock, who definitely wanted him. It was overwhelming to have people who cared about him, and he didn't know what to do with it. He appreciated it, and he wanted to grab onto it and hold on as tightly as he could. He didn't really know how though. This was far beyond his comfort zone.
He especially didn't understand what they saw in him. Why did Brock want him? And why did the other want to be his friend when they didn't know him at all? He wasn't friendly, or fun, or nice, or any of that other stuff. Did they think he could be more? Did they think he was somehow good enough already when nobody else ever did?
Croagunk saw a mirror in the dining hall, and that caught his attention. He stopped following Brock's pokémon without realizing it, being mesmerized by his own reflection. He saw him the way that others saw him, at least on the surface.
When he crouched, he looked like he was ready for a fight. His eyes were unblinking and had a slight glow to them which he knew only got brighter in the dark. His cheek sacks inflated with every croak he made, and when Croagunk noticed that he couldn't block out the sound of the croaks themselves. They were noisy, and consistent. He found it soothing, like a comfortable white noise, but he could see how others could find it annoying.
Every bit of him that he looked at, he just saw potential flaws. They didn't bother him, but he knew they bothered others, and that was what bothered him. The one thing he didn't like about his own reflection was that he was the only one he saw, and he always was. The croagunk he saw in the mirror was always alone. There was nobody next to him, or behind him, and there never would be.
He just didn't like seeing the visual reminder of how his life was.
Croagunk had lost himself in his thoughts earlier, but he fell much deeper now. He tried to find the good things in his reflection that maybe Brock and their pokémon saw, but he couldn't find it. He just saw more and more potentially bad things, and the more he saw, the more he started to wonder if they really were bad, and he'd just been blind up to this point.
His stomach was starting to twist up painfully and he almost wanted to hide and never let himself be seen by anybody else again.
He didn't know how long he was spiraling, but suddenly he felt a jerking pull on his arm. He stumbled and almost tripped and lost sight of the mirror. It took him a long moment to find his footing and mentally come back to himself. Pikachu was urgently pulling him.
"What…?" Croagunk stared at Pikachu.
"We need to go." Pikachu said. "I had to come back and get you." His concern made it clear that there was trouble or even danger, and they didn't have a lot of time, and yet Pikachu had gone out of his way to get Croagunk. He barely knew him. They weren't friends. But he came back anyway. Why?
Croagunk was so busy trying to figure Pikachu out that he barely understood what happened next. The boat had left port at some point, and was headed straight towards a waterfall. They were going to try to evacuate, but before that could happen Ash and Dawn came in on a mantine. They took charge, and within a matter of moments they were able to turn the ship around and head back towards safety. By the time Croagunk was able to wrap his head around the fact that Pikachu, who had the responsibility of keeping his friends safe, had spent some of his precious time to get him, they were already back at port.
The pokémon were greeted by their trainers. Croagunk wanted to see Brock, but there was something else he needed to do first.
"Why did you waste your time for me?" Croagunk asked Pikachu. The mouse looked startled at the question.
"It wasn't a waste." Pikachu said simply. "We're all a team. We all look out for each other. Maybe you're not with Brock, but you're still his. That makes you one of us."
It felt just as overwhelming as it did nice. Croagunk didn't know what to do with this information. He needed just a little more time to think.
"What if I never get caught by him?" Croagunk asked. Pikachu smiled.
"You'll still be his. Catching is just a formality." Pikachu said. Croagunk knew that wasn't completely true. He'd seen the way that wild pokémon changed after being caught by trainers. Something about being caught compelled a pokémon to trust and obey more than they normally would. It wasn't a guarantee, but it was stronger than it would have been before.
That wasn't what he was worried about. Honestly, he didn't know what he was worried about. Still, it was reassuring to hear that Pikachu and the others might want to have some kind of relationship with him, regardless of what his relationship with Brock was.
He still needed time to figure out what he wanted, but he liked that he had a safe place to go should he need it.
Maybe soon he would be ready to be caught by Brock, but he wasn't quite there yet. He still needed to figure out just what he wanted from the boy, just so he could know how to push the desire down and learn to ignore it so it wouldn't get in his way. He needed some help to figure his own feelings out.
Meowth had certainly seemed to know how Croagunk was feeling. It had felt like he'd known more than Croagunk himself did. As much as he didn't like Team Rocket, he thought that it was time that he caught up to them again, one more time.