Croagunk knew that he shouldn't like being around Team Rocket. They'd used him. Twice. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to let it happen in the first place, and then he'd messed up again.
Brock brought out a vulnerability and weakness in him. Apparently even when he wasn't anywhere near the boy that vulnerability lingered just enough for him to make mistakes around others. He should figure out how to get better and put back up the walls that he had so carefully raised, but he didn't. He still went to see Team Rocket.
Jessie and James weren't really happy to see him. They couldn't be bothered to tolerate him. They'd stopped grimacing and whining about how he looked though. Apparently they'd gotten the message that he wasn't going to leave just because they didn't like him.
Meowth had started to warm up to him though. He was almost friendly. Even before Croagunk said a thing about what he wanted, Meowth knew just what was going on.
"You gotten over the twerp yet?" Meowth asked as he and Croagunk picked fruit for Team Rocket to munch on.
Croagunk huffed and threw an apple at Meowth. The other pokémon smirked and used his claws to cut it in mid-air, dividing it into slices. Meowth munched on a piece.
"I haven't gotten over anything." Croagunk looked at a piece of fruit and used a touch of poison to make it just a little more ripe. He tossed it into his mouth and ate the whole thing at once. "As much as I hate it, I still want to be with Brock, and I think he wants me too."
Meowth gave him an incredulous look. "You can't be serious." Croagunk didn't appreciate the absolute shock. Was it really that unbelievable that he was wanted by someone?
"He said he wanted to catch me." Croagunk said. Meowth sighed and gave him his full attention.
"Okay, so maybe he wants to be your trainer, but is that really what you want?" Meowth asked. "Will that be good enough for you? To have the chance to be close to him, but know that he'll never give you what you want?"
Croagunk huffed. "I don't even know what I want." He gave Meowth a careful look. "But you do."
"I've got ideas." Meowth shook his head. "Trust me, you're far from the first pokémon to fall in love with a human."
Croagunk felt like he was stabbed with his own poison jab. Love? This wasn't love. That was sappy and happy, and for people who knew what their feelings meant. It wasn't for creatures like Croagunk, and even if it was, it wasn't supposed to be painful and confusing.
"The thing is, and I think you know this, humans don't love their pokémon like that." Meowth said plainly. There was sympathy in his tone, more than he usually had. "They see us as tools and pets. Only the luckiest of us find humans that very nearly see us as their partners. But no matter how fond they are of us, it won't get better than that."
Croagunk knew this. It made sense, so why did it hurt so much to hear? He hadn't even known that he'd liked Brock like that. Even now he wasn't entirely convinced of it.
All Croagunk knew was that he wanted to be the most important creature in Brock's life. He wanted his attention, and to be his first priority. Whether that was a romantic desire or not, it was still far too much to ask, and he knew it. Was this why Croagunk was reluctant to let himself join Brock for good? Because he knew deep down that while he'd be able to get close to Brock, he wouldn't be completely satisfied with it?
But was that selfish desire worth depriving himself of Brock at all?
He knew the answer to that. It wasn't even a question. He wanted to be with Brock. He couldn't just go back to the swamp and forget about the trainer. He would just be a shell of his old self, which was just sad to consider when he always felt like just a shell of a pokémon in the first place.
He wanted to join Brock, but there were a few things that he needed to do first. He needed to regain control of his emotions. He couldn't let his petty jealousy and possessiveness take over. Brock had friends. He had other pokémon. His friends had pokémon, and they all got at least some of Brock's attention every day. Croagunk needed to share, which meant that he needed to put these walls back up all over again.
"How do I make these feelings go away?" Croagunk asked. Meowth said that he had experience with this kind of thing. He wasn't the smartest pokémon that Croagunk knew, but he wasn't completely oblivious.
Meowth closed his eyes and crossed his arms. "The easiest thing would be to stop running back to him. Move on and stop thinking about him before you get hurt." He peeked an eye open and looked at Croagunk. "But I'm guessing that's not what you had in mind."
Croagunk shook his head. "I want these feelings gone so I can be with him."
Meowth gave him an exasperated look. "You're just setting yourself up for a world of pain."
"I'll show you a world of pain." Croagunk huffed and raised his hand, bringing in the poison. "Will you help me or not?"
"Like you're giving me much of a choice." Meowth sighed. "Okay, we're going to forget about the inevitable disaster that these feelings are going to cause. Let's focus on the jealousy thing. Do you think you'd be okay with sharing him?"
Croagunk didn't really have to think about that. He nodded. He knew that there would be times when he would get frustrated and upset when Brock had to divert his attention from him, but he knew by now that Brock would make it up to him. And even though Brock was the one he cared most about, he wouldn't just be joining him, he'd be joining a whole group.
He could get Ash and Dawn's attention. He could sit and spend time with Pikachu, Sudowoodo, and all of the others. He wasn't a fan of sharing, but if it meant spending time with Brock, and maybe having friends for the first time in his life, it could be fine. Better than that, it could be good.
He hadn't ever thought that he could be happy. That his life could be good. He'd just thought that life was nothing more than moments of being content and periods of disappointment, but mostly just numb nothingness. Brock changed that. He made Croagunk feel hopeful. It wasn't something he was used to.
"I'm not really worried about being jealous." Croagunk was surprised about it. Just a minute ago he'd thought that his feelings for Brock, whatever they meant, would get in his way. That he would need to get rid of them before they made him do something he would regret, but thinking about worst-case scenarios, he didn't think it would get that far.
He knew what it was like for Brock to put someone else before him. The incident with the nuzleaf had stung at the time, but it wasn't anything but a slightly bitter memory now. Brock had spent time with him afterwards, one-on-one. They'd competed in the dress-up contest together, not necessarily because either of them were really interested in it, but because they wanted to do something together.
Croagunk wouldn't get all of Brock's attention. It would hurt at the time, but he would also hold onto all of the small moments he got with Brock where it was just the two of them.
"I think I want him as my trainer." Croagunk said. Just acknowledging it felt weird. It really wasn't so long ago that he wouldn't have ever thought that he'd want a trainer.
Meowth rolled his eyes. "I thought you came to me for advice. Instead, you ignore what I say, and decide that you know best after all?"
Croagunk blinked. He had thought that he had needed help. What had changed?
Meowth snorted. "I think you just like fighting so much. When you've been surrounded by the twerps, they're just telling you that you fit in with them, and you disagree before you even give yourself the chance to think about it, just for the sake of disagreeing."
Croagunk huffed and looked to the side. He wasn't that stubborn and contrary, was he? Meowth just laughed at him. "I guess that's why you came here. You wanted someone to point out how much it could go wrong, just so you could disagree and finally let yourself look at how it can go right."
Croagunk instinctively wanted to disagree with Meowth, but he refrained, because he knew it would just prove his point. Meowth smirked and crossed his arms, looking very pleased with himself.
"Shut up." Croagunk growled. Meowth raised his hands defensively.
"I'm not saying a word." Meowth chuckled.
"Meowth, focus." James said as he came to find them. He didn't so much as look at Croagunk. "Those Team Galactic goons are nearby. They're here for a reason. They were after some treasure last time. It might be the same now."
Meowth perked up. "I ain't gonna complain about treasure." He looked at Croagunk. "You wanna come with us?"
"I'm not letting myself be used again." Croagunk growled.
"We're not splitting the treasure." James said.
"You two are jumping to conclusions." Meowth said. "If we find anything, this guy won't get a bit of it. And if we run into trouble, we're not going to be throwing him under the bus. Fair enough?"
Croagunk tilted his head. "No stealing pokémon?" He wouldn't be a part of that.
"If we do, you can sit it out." Meowth said. "We're just going after treasure."
Croagunk knew he shouldn't do this. Team Rocket were bad guys. Brock and his friends didn't like them. But a part of him did like being around Team Rocket, even if they were incredibly boring.
One more time, just for old time's sake. Croagunk nodded and followed Meowth and James. They joined Jessie, who gave him an annoyed look before she focused her attention on the ruins in front of them.
Croagunk didn't know what was in the ruins, but he knew that he didn't like whatever it was. He could sense a lot of psychic energy inside, from different sources. It made his head spin and made him want to turn and walk away. He didn't do well with psychic powers. It made him feel vulnerable and weak, and none of his ways of fighting back against it did any good.
He probably should have walked away and left Team Rocket to deal with whatever this was on their own, but his mind felt a little fuzzy. By the time he noticed that Meowth had grabbed his hand and pulled him along, they were already inside of the ruins.
Everything that happened next was a bit of a blur for Croagunk, like he was watching it through a dirty window, or a roaring river. There were a lot of psychic pokémon of some kind inhabiting the cave, and they were absolutely everywhere. There was no break.
Finally, the unknown psychic pokémon calmed down, toned down their psychic powers, and Croagunk was able to think and focus again, just in time for Brock to notice that he was there.
He wasn't even surprised that Brock and his friends were at the ruins. Even when Team Rocket weren't trying to follow the kids, they all ended up in the same place. What he wasn't too happy about was the slightly judgmental look that Brock gave him. Maybe judgmental wasn't the right word. He definitely seemed disappointed though. Disappointed and a little annoyed.
"I should have known you guys were behind that mess." Brock said irritably to Team Rocket, though his gaze was solely on Croagunk. "What are you doing here though? Why do you keep ending up with them? You know better than that."
Croagunk was embarrassed, ashamed, and defensive. He did know better, but he didn't have to explain himself to Brock. The boy didn't know what he'd been doing there. He'd seen Croagunk in the ruins, following Meowth without any resistance, and that was apparently all Brock needed to know.
"For once, we didn't do anything wrong." Meowth said. He wasn't wrong. Croagunk didn't know a lot about what happened in the ruins, but he knew that Team Galactic had been the ones to agitate the psychic pokémon in the cave. They were the ones who had confused the pokémon, making them lash out at everybody in sight. Team Rocket had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But Croagunk couldn't explain any of this to Brock. He couldn't talk to him at all. Meowth though, he could. Croagunk looked at the other pokémon.
"Tell him what happened." Croagunk said.
"What's the point? He wouldn't believe me." Meowth said. Brock's disappointed gaze softened slightly.
"What's Croagunk saying?" Brock asked. Croagunk felt something warm within him. Brock clearly didn't trust Meowth, which was his right, but he was still willing to listen to his translations just to talk to Croagunk. It was comforting.
This was his chance, maybe his only chance, to talk to Brock and actually be completely understood. There would be no language barrier. They'd actually be able to build a connection. He couldn't mess this up.
"Tell him I want to be his." Croagunk said before he could talk himself out of it.
"He wants to go with you." Meowth said. Croagunk nodded. Brock looked happy, but there was a cautious look in his eyes. Why did he look like that? What was he cautious about? He'd been the one to ask Croagunk to join him. Was he changing his mind? Croagunk hoped not. He wouldn't be able to take it.
"Why now?" Brock asked slowly. "You seemed so scared before, and now I find you with Team Rocket, and you tell me that you want to come with me. I want to trust you. I do trust you, but I don't trust them."
The warmth in Croagunk's chest froze. Brock thought that he was working with Team Rocket again. He thought that this was all a trick. Croagunk would probably believe the same thing if he was in Brock's shoes, but the doubt still stung.
"I don't trust them either." Croagunk said honestly, and Meowth, to his credit, translated for him. "I just wanted someone to talk to." It was embarrassing to admit, but Croagunk was scared that if he didn't open himself up now then he would lose his chance and lose Brock.
"And you pick them?" Brock blinked. "You could have come to me, or talked to Sudowoodo, or Pikachu. You could have talked to anybody, and you pick them?" Brock didn't sound angry, or really disappointed . He just seemed confused, but that worried Croagunk nearly as much as the anger.
Brock shook his head, and Croagunk felt like something in him got twisted.
"I don't understand you." Brock said quietly. It was a simple phrase, but it made a numbing chill come over Croagunk.
A big reason why Croagunk was drawn to Brock was because the boy was compassionate and attentive. Even when he didn't know what pokémon were saying, he seemed to know them on a deeper level. He had a connection with them. He had a connection with Croagunk. It had felt like enough.
And now Croagunk finally had the chance to actually talk to Brock, in a way. There was no chance for him to be misunderstood. Brock would know just what he meant, and they could actually have a conversation. It shouldn't have had the chance to go wrong, but it did.
Brock didn't understand him, and it had nothing to do with the language barrier. Brock just didn't understand him. He was confused and disappointed by him, and Croagunk didn't even really understand what he had done wrong.
He'd opened himself up. He'd been honest about the feelings that were unfamiliar to him. He'd thought it was what Brock wanted. Afterall, the boy was so in touch with his own feelings. Croagunk had thought that if he showed vulnerability, then he could show the boy that he was genuine about wanting to join him. He could show him that he was going to really try to make this work, even though it made him uncomfortable.
But Brock didn't understand. He understood the words just fine, but the meaning, the motivation, he was still in the dark. Croagunk barely understood his own feelings. He shouldn't be upset that Brock didn't understand him, but he was. It hurt, and he wanted the numb nothingness to come back.
At least he'd understood what he'd felt. Nothing. It hadn't been good, but it hadn't been bad either, and that numbness had to be better than this empty longing and self-loathing inside of him.
He didn't know what he was doing wrong. He did nothing, and Brock seemed interested in him. He actually put effort in, and the boy looks at him like he just turned into a whole new person. What did Brock want from him? Did he even want him at all?
He said he did, but that was before he said that he didn't understand him.
"Meowth, it's time to go." Jessie snapped. None of them knew if the local authorities would be coming to the ruins to figure out what was going on, but they very-well could, and Team Rocket definitely didn't want to be here to see it.
"Alright, alright, I'm coming." Meowth said. He looked at Croagunk. "What do you want to do?"
He didn't know. That was the problem. Croagunk didn't think he could handle being near Brock, and he didn't think the boy wanted him around either. He didn't want to be alone though, because he would certainly get stuck in his own head, trying to figure out what was so broken about him that he scared away the one person who was willing to give him a chance.
The only thing he wanted to do was follow Meowth and let the other pokémon take the lead. He wanted Meowth's sympathy, even if it came with a fair amount of 'I-told-you-so's.
Croagunk took a step back from Brock, and then another. The boy just gave him a sad look. He didn't reach out to him, or try to reason with him. He let him go, and that was the last straw. Croagunk turned and ran away from Brock, following after Team Rocket. He knew this was a mistake, but at the moment he didn't care.
It seemed like everything he did was a mistake. What was one more?"