April 10th, 1973
This school year has been pretty easy academically, aside from Charms, but Potter and Black have been even worse to me than they were last year. I always fight back, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. At least when I'm with my friends in Slytherin, they don't bother me too much. This Easter, I stayed at school because my mum said she didn't want me distracting her and my dad. I was one of the only people who stayed at school, aside from a seventh-year Hufflepuff, and a couple of fourth-year Ravenclaws, so I was really lonely. It almost felt like how it used to be before Lily moved to Cokeworth. I kept having to remind myself that all my friends would be back soon, but it was still hard to be all alone again. Even though there was a lot of good food, I found that I couldn't eat very much. Madame Pomfrey sat and talked with me a few times when she noticed I wasn't eating, and that helped me feel a bit better. She even helped me study dates for History of Magic! Even though it was cold outside, I spent a lot of time walking around the lake. Once in a while, Hagrid would come by with his big, shaggy black dog, Monster, and feed the giant squid. He even let me pet Monster! He's really nice— I don't know why Lucius doesn't like him. Lucius says he's a brainless oaf, but I don't think so. I think he knows a lot of things, just not things Lucius thinks are worth knowing. Lucius hasn't sent too many letters this year, since he's been very busy, but once in a while he's been able to come to visit Narcissa and me! It's been weird not hanging out with him and his friends by the fire at night, but Narcissa's still been really nice to me. Even though we're not as close, I know I can always ask for her help if I'm confused about something in my classes, and I can always count on her to complain at me if my hair is getting too greasy. Next year is going to be weird without them, but it'll be fine. I'm 13 now, anyways, which means next year I'll be able to go to Hogsmeade! I'm excited to have a little more freedom, but still a little nervous. It'll be okay, though. I know Lucius will still come visit me once in a while. Hopefully. This past Christmas Break, Lucius picked me up on December 26th again to spend the rest of break with him. Lucius also took me to my checkup at St. Mungo's this past summer, and to the station for school. Since I still had a bit of brain damage from my previous concussions, the healers said they needed to see me back in a year to make sure I was healing alright and to check on my weight, and since my mum is too busy at work to take me, Lucius will be taking me again instead. He says he always has time for me, and that after my check-up, he'll take me to Madame Circe's Tavern to see my mum and tell her how my appointment went. It's nice that Lucius always makes time for me. I wish my mum and dad did, too.
Now that Easter break is over and Lily's back, we've been hunting for morels in the Forbidden Forest. Last year we found a bunch, and so far this year we've found a lot, too. I guess the rest of the students must not know about all the mushrooms in the forest, or they'd all be out looking! That, or maybe it's a muggle thing. Before my dad started drinking, he'd take me mushroom hunting in the spring every year in the woods. He always thought it was funny that morels are so expensive that rich people spend lots of money on them, but we get them for free. Even when he stopped taking me, I'd still go on my own to look. That way, even if we didn't have money to buy groceries, we'd at least have some mushrooms. Once Lily moved to town, I taught her how to hunt for mushrooms, too, and ever since, we've gone mushroom hunting each spring. Last year, she sent some to her parents, and we cooked the rest. This year, I've been sending some to Lucius as well. Morels are expensive, and he does a lot for me, so I figure it's a good way to give back to him.
Today, after we've finished hunting, we head to the potion's lab to cook the mushrooms we found yesterday, and clean and soak the ones we found today. As we're sauteéing the mushrooms in a big clean cauldron with a little bit of the olive oil and salt and pepper Lily brought from home, somebody opens the door to the lab. We're not entirely sure we're allowed to be using the lab on weekends as second-years, and we nervously turn around to face the intruder.
"Oh," I sneer, "It's just you. Why are you down here?"
"We noticed you two sneaking around the forest, so we followed you down here to see what you were up to!" Potter says, stuffing some fabric into his backpack as Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew all file into the room, "Evans, why are you hanging out with Snivellous when you could be hanging out with us?"
Lily frowns, and, pointing at him accusatorially with her spatula, exclaims, "We didn't see any of you in the forest, or following us down here! Why were you lurking around poking your noses into our business? And don't call him that! I'm hanging out with Severus because he's my friend, and I wouldn't hang out with you lot for a million galleons!"
"That hurts, Evans," Potter says, putting his hand over his chest as if mortally wounded, "We were following you because Snivellous is sketchy, and we want to make sure he's not convincing you to do anything weird! Like whatever sketchy concoction you're making!"
"It's none of your business what we're making. Leave us alone," I growl. Lily turns around to tend to the mushrooms as the oil starts to sizzle.
"Smells like mushrooms," Lupin says, shoving past Potter and taking a tentative step towards us, "My dad and I used to like to hunt for mushrooms in the spring."
"Me too!" I say before I can stop myself, "What does your dad do for work?"
"He's a lawyer at the ministry. Why?" he responds, raising his eyebrows slightly.
"I didn't know if it was just a muggle thing, I guess," I mutter, scuffing my shoe on the floor.
"What's your dad do?" Lupin asks interestedly.
"Probably nothing," Black scoffs, "Probably sits around the house all day drinking."
I can feel myself turn red, and I exclaim, "My dad works at the car factory in our town! He works real hard! He's always putting in overtime and stuff! He's gonna get a promotion someday, too! "
"Yeah, Sev's dad works super hard! You shouldn't say stuff like that about people's parents, Black!" Lily says, turning back around to face the four Gryffindors.
"How do you know about his parents?" Potter asks, frowning.
"'Cause we're friends, obviously!" Lily scoffs, "We've been friends since I moved to his neighborhood! He's the one who taught me how to hunt for mushrooms!"
I quickly turn and put the fire out under the cauldron.
"Regardless," Lupin says, interrupting Potter as he opens his mouth, "I can't believe I never thought to look in the Forbidden Forest! Do you send some of what you find to your family?"
"I do!" Lily says.
"I send some to Lucius," I say after a moment of expectant silence.
"Why wouldn't you send any to your parents? That's so selfish!" Pettigrew exclaims from behind Potter.
I frown at him and say, "Not everybody's parents wanna get owls all the time. My parents are busy! They don't have time to be getting owls!"
"Nah, Peter, his parents just don't like him. I wouldn't want to be getting owls from him, either!" Potter laughs.
"You know, James, it'd be a shame if one of the professors found out that Snivellous here was sneaking around in the forest," Black sneers.
"Why are you so obsessed with getting me in trouble?" I sigh, "If it's okay for you all to go sneaking around in the forest, why is it not okay for me?"
"Because you're you," Black grins, "You're just a vile, ugly piece of shit. You shouldn't even be at Hogwarts. You should be back in whatever poor trash town you come from!"
"You take it back!" Lily exclaims, pulling out her wand and pointing it at Black, "If you're going to say those things about Sev, then you might as well say the same about me! We're practically neighbors!"
"You know, Black," I say quietly, "you sound an awful lot as if you're implying that muggleborns and half-bloods shouldn't be here."
Black's face goes red, and he lunges at me. Lupin grabs the back of his robes and pulls him back.
"You don't know what you're talking about!" Black yells at me, wrenching his robes from Lupin's grasp, "You hang around Lucius, and Evan, and Clarence! You're the one who believes that shit, not me!"
"Yeah, I hang out with Lucius and them, but your friends hang out with you," I smile, motioning at Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew, "Or do they not know that your family's one of the oldest, most muggle-hating families in the country? I bet they didn't know you're on first name basis with my friends."
Potter turns to regard Black with surprise, "You never told us that," he says quietly.
"Oops," I jeer, "guess not."
Black lunges at me again and shoves me to the floor, yelling, "I'm not like them!"
"Maybe we should go," Pettigrew squeaks.
Suddenly, we hear footsteps in the hall, and Professor Slughorn enters the lab. He looks briefly around at us, taking in the scene. Lily holds out her hand and helps me up. Pettigrew and Lupin exchange looks.
"What's going on here?" Professor Slughorn frowns.
"We just—" Potter starts, but Lily cuts him off.
"We were in here cooking mushrooms we found on the edge of the forest, when they came in here to bother us!"
Slughorn looks briefly into our cauldron and chuckles, "Morels! What fun! I haven't had a morel in quite some time! I won't ask where exactly you found them, Lily, I know a good mushroom hunter never divulges where they find their patches! So good of you to include Severus!"
I look at him incredulously, and open my mouth to speak, but Lily interrupts me to say, "No, sir! It was Sev who taught me how to find them! We live in the same town! We used to go hunting for morels in the woods near his house every spring!"
"Really? What fun! Sirius, lad! I heard you raise your voice?" he asks, smiling dotingly down at Black.
"Snape said that I—" Black starts, but Potter cuts him off.
"He said he didn't want to tell us where they found the mushrooms," Potter says quickly, "and Sirius got frustrated because he was thinking of sending some to his parents."
"Well, Sirius, lad," Slughorn laughs, patting Black on the shoulder, "as I said, a good mushroom hunter never tells where their patches are! Perhaps you can all go hunting together next time! You should take your brother with you! Perhaps introduce him to Lily! His potions could use a little work, and she's been doing wonderfully in class lately!"
"Maybe," Black says through a very fake smile.
Slughorn tells us to behave ourselves, and that he'll be in his office if we need him, then leaves the room.
"Let's just go," Black growls, and he and his friends leave the room.
Once they've gone, Lily gives me a short, one-armed hug, "I'm sorry Slughorn favors Black and Potter so much. You're worth 10 of them."
"He likes them 'cause they're rich, popular, tall, and have connections, and I'm just a poor, ugly nobody," I grumble, scooping the mushrooms out of the cauldron and onto a plate.
"Don't say that! You're not ugly, and you're not just nobody! You're top of our class at potions! Sure, you could maybe wash your hair more often, but we're growing up! We're all a little sweatier than we used to be," Lily laughs.
"I'm just nervous that if I wash it too often, I'll use up the shampoo and conditioner Lucius gave me! If I use it all up, then I'll have to start using soap on my hair again, and that makes it look even worse!" I exclaim.
"If you run out, I'll give you some of mine! Or you could just write to him and ask for more, you silly goose!"
"I don't like to ask him for things," I mutter, "I don't want him to think I'm too needy. It's better to just let him give me things he thinks I need or want."
"So you're like a sucker-fish?" Lily laughs.
"I guess so! But if you think I should wash my hair more, then I will."
"Good. You have really pretty hair when you take care of it," she says, looking into my eyes.
"Thanks," I smile, looking back into hers.
"It really bothered me that Slughorn was saying all that about me being so good at potions when you were right there. I'm not bad, but you're incredible. What grade level are you working at now?"
I run my fingers through my hair, and, grinning, say, "Fourth-year. But it's not that big of a deal!"
"Yeah, it is! He should be proud of you! You're just as much his student as I am! Plus, you do a ton in Potions Club! I know I'm gonna vote for you to be Vice President next year for sure! I'll bet you Slughorn's just threatened by how good you are," Lily says, popping a mushroom into her mouth and shoving the plate towards me.
I pick one up, but don't put it in my mouth. I feel like there's something stuck in my throat. I swallow, and say, "Maybe, but I don't see how he could be. Like I said, I'm nothing. I'm weak, and ugly, and a failure, and nobody really likes me. But it's fine."
"How can you say that?!" Lily exclaims, "You're not any of those things, and I like you! I'm sure your friends in Slytherin like you, right? At least I know Rosier likes you! I see you and him hanging out all the time! Malfoy likes you, right?"
"I guess," I mumble.
"Then stop saying stuff like that! You can't let other people make you feel bad about yourself! I used to get made fun of all the time in school back in Cokeworth! Marcus O'Leary used to pull my hair, and Charlotte King used to make fun of my freckles, but I didn't let it get to me!"
"But your dad stuck up for you!"
"And your friends stick up for you. You should be more confident. You're a really cool person, Sev. I wish you could see that," Lily says, and briefly puts her hand over mine.
I smile at her, say, "Thanks, Lily. You're a really cool person, too. I'm glad we're friends."
"Me too! Now eat your mushroom! They're great! We did a really good job on them this time!"
Smiling, I put the mushroom in my mouth and chew. She's right, we did do a really good job on them this time. I hope we're still able to find them now that Lupin said he wants to hunt for them, too. That's one of the only things I can do to give back to Lucius that I know for sure he likes, other than giving him potions once in a while, and always doing what he says. Remembering my checkup at St. Mungo's last summer, I say, "Lucius didn't agree with Healer Smithwick at my checkup last summer."
"What?" Lily asks through a full mouth.
"He took me to my checkup before school, and Healer Smithwick said my weight wasn't as bad as usual, but that I still needed to gain some weight to get healthier, but after my checkup Lucius said he thought I looked fine, and that I looked like I had gained plenty of weight, and that I probably just had a growth spurt recently, and that it's good 'cause now he doesn't have to worry about my weight anymore."
"That's not too bad, though! It's good you were healthier than normal, right?"
I shrug, remembering how bad I felt when Lucius said that he didn't have to worry about my weight anymore, "But what if he doesn't pay attention to me anymore?" I mumble, looking down.
"Why would your weight have anything to do with him paying attention to you?" Lily laughs, "That's silly!"
I shrug again, "Yeah, I guess," but I'm not so sure. All I know is that everybody aside from my friends pays more attention to me when I'm too skinny, and I don't want to lose that. I put down my mushrooms and look across the room.
Once we're done with our mushrooms and have cleaned up, I walk her up to the Gryffindor common room and we say goodnight. As I walk back to my common room, I stop by the hospital wing. I look around to make sure Madame Pomfrey's not looking, then go to the scale to quickly weigh myself. I'm 74 pounds. I was 68 pounds at my last checkup. I sniff, and walk away from the scale. I need to make sure to eat less so that I'm not big again at my next check-up. I don't want Lucius to stop worrying about me.