August 31st, 1974
This summer, aside from my weight still being too low, my checkup went well. For the most part, I managed to stay out of my dad's way when he was drunk, and even when he did beat me, my head didn't get hit, so my brain looked a lot better than it did last year. This morning, when he picked me up to go to St. Mungo's, Lucius said he thinks it's good I was able to spend Christmas with him and Easter at school, then just stay away from my dad as much as possible over the summer. What Lucius doesn't seem to understand is that I'm not always in control. If my dad is drinking whiskey on the couch at two in the morning, how am I supposed to "stay away from him?" I have to sleep somewhere, and if he decides he's mad at me for some reason or another, then he knows where to find me, and I can't stay at Lily's all summer! They go to see their grandparents, and they go on holiday sometimes! I'll be going to the manor for Christmas, and Lucius said I might be able to come to the manor for Easter, but that he'd have to check his schedule.
Once we get back to the manor after my checkup, Lucius tells me to take a shower and put on clothes I'll be comfortable in, and to meet him downstairs when I'm done. This seems like an odd request from him, since he normally wants me to look presentable, but I don't want to ask questions and make him mad, so, after my shower, I hurriedly pull on my black sweatpants and an old t-shirt and head downstairs. I didn't sleep well last night, since my mum and dad were both home. My dad had the television on really loud, and him and my mum were arguing again.
"Well, don't you look… special," Lucius remarks with a sneer as I flop down onto the couch.
"You told me to put on comfortable clothes!" I exclaim.
"Yes, well, I wasn't really expecting you to come downstairs looking like something that crawled out of a dumpster."
"I mean, I can change if you want me to," I say, raising my eyebrows.
"I don't think I like your tone," Lucius says cooly.
I sigh, and look away, grumbling, "Sorry."
"Have you ever made the Servus Velle concoction before?"
I frown, but nod my head, "Mm hmm, it's from Advanced Potions, but I've made it once or twice."
"Perfect! Then you can get started right away! Of course, you'll be able to take a break for dinner, but I'm sure it won't take you very long," he smiles, standing up.
Confused, I look up at him, "What?"
"I told a friend you would make it today. He's expecting me to bring it to him tonight. Why don't you go ahead and get started now? Or did you want something to eat first?"
"Um, actually can I do it tomorrow morning before we leave for the station? I have a headache and I'm really tired."
Lucius shakes his head, and says, "No, my friend is expecting it tonight; however, I'm happy to give you something to perk you up if you need it."
"Why does your friend need it tonight, though?" I ask.
"That doesn't concern you."
"Why did you promise somebody I'd make them a potion tonight when you didn't ask me first?"
"Because I knew you'd be able to do it, and I don't need to ask you anything," Lucius chuckles.
Normally I'd be able to control myself, but my head hurts, I'm frustrated, I'm tired, and I'm hungry. Standing up, I exclaim, "This is bullshit! I'm not doing it! You can't make me!"
Without any warning, Lucius backhands me across my face so hard I fall to the floor. As he advances on me, I automatically curl up into a ball, covering my head and neck with my arms. He bends down, grabs my arm, yanks me up, and begins dragging me through the living room and kitchen to the basement stairs. I stumble as he drags me down the stairs, but he doesn't stop. As he throws me into the lab, he snarls, "You're going to make that potion, and you're going to stay in this lab until it's done!" He slams the door, and I hear the lock click as I sink to the floor sobbing.
A little while later, Lucius unlocks the door. I'm huddled in the corner of the lab, holding my pounding head, and don't look up as he comes over to me.
"Drink," he says curtly, and holds out two vials and a mug full of what smells like coffee.
"What is it?" I sniff, wiping my eyes.
Lucius sighs, and says, "Pain potion for your head, an invigorating potion, and a mocha. I know you like them, so I had Dobby make one for you. It'll help you focus. Drink."
I down the pain potion, and take a small sip of the invigorating potion, then take the mocha from him, mumbling, "Thank you. I'm sorry I was bad."
"The whole vial, thank you."
I look up, frowning slightly, and say, "It's really strong." Lucius raises one eyebrow, and I hastily drink the rest of the invigorating potion. I set the coffee down on the counter as I shakily stand up.
"Make sure you drink that coffee before it gets cold."
"Yes, sir," I mumble, and take a sip of my mocha.
"Here is your textbook. I'm going to stay here while you get started on that potion. I'll have Dobby bring you dinner down here if it's not finished by then," he says, and sits down in the armchair, pulling out his conservative newspaper from his pocket.
My hands tremble as I take another sip of my mocha, open up my textbook to the correct page, and begin getting out the ingredients. I'm really hungry, but I don't dare ask for anything while Lucius is still mad at me. At least he was nice and brought me a pain potion and a mocha. He could have not given me anything at all. I'm lucky. As I begin cutting up my ingredients, I feel the full effect of the invigorating potion hit me like a hurricane, and suddenly, nothing else matters but making this potion.
"Your coffee is getting cold. Drink," Lucius says from his armchair, not looking out from behind his newspaper.
Frustrated to be drawn away from what I'm doing, I chug the mocha and set the empty mug down on the counter.
The three hours it takes to brew the potion flies by, and when I'm done, I package up the potion, clean up, and hand the vials to Lucius. He takes them wordlessly and tells me to go upstairs for dinner. I try to sit still while Lucius eats, but I can't stop bouncing my leg and picking at my lips. I know I should try to eat, but I'm not hungry at all. Finally, Lucius exasperatedly sends me to my room. While I'm in my room, I pace the floor, do jumping jacks, and run in place, but I can't seem to tire myself out or to stop feeling so jittery. Once Lucius leaves to give his friend the potion I made, I go back downstairs. I'm not hungry, and I don't know what to do to to get all this energy out, so I go back down to the lab to make some more potions.
What feels simultaneously like hours and seconds later, I'm jolted out of my hyperfixation as Lucius's voice rings down the stairs to the lab.
"Dobby, where is Severus?"
I jump, almost spilling the potion I was pouring into a vial. I consider hiding behind the table, but know that he would find me anyways, so I stay where I am.
"Master Severus is in the lab, sir!" Dobby squeaks tremulously. I hear him yelp, and Lucius' footsteps echo as he walks down the stairs.
I look around wildly for a way to run or to hide, but see none. As the lab door swings open, our eyes lock for a second. I look quickly down at the floor. There's a silence that seems to last forever in which neither of us speaks, then I put the vials of potion down on the counter.
Before I can speak, he asks, "What's all this?"
"Um, it's Forgetfulness Potion. You know, 'cause your friend wanted the Servus Velle concoction, and and and and sometimes whoever drinks it might remember that they forgot something, so... Forgetfulness Potion," I say quickly, picking at the skin on my left thumb.
Lucius picks up the vials of Forgetfulness Potion and puts them in his pocket, "I'll go deliver these right away," he says, and walks to the door. He stops in the doorway to say, "I'll be back later. Try to get some sleep."
"Lucius, I'm sorry!" I plead as he begins to walk away, "Please don't be mad at me!"
He stops, takes a deep breath, and without looking back at me, he says, "Go to bed, Severus."
Fighting back the tears in my eyes, I clean up my workspace and go upstairs. I wish I was at Lily's house right now. We would be playing with Lady, or looking through our textbooks for this year, or just sitting in silence, looking up at the stars.
The next morning at six o'clock, Lucius opens my door without knocking.
"Severus! How long have you been awake?" he exclaims.
I look blearily around at him from my seat at the windowsill, and mumble, "Since yesterday."
"You've been up all night?" he asks incredulously.
I nod.
"Well, I suppose you should just go ahead and get ready for the day. There isn't time now for you to go to sleep. When you're done getting washed and dressed, meet me downstairs. We're going to eat a quick breakfast before we leave for the station," he sighs.
"Okay," I yawn, and stumble as I stand up.
Lucius shakes his head and shuts my door. As if in a haze, I slowly change into my school pants and white button-down shirt, brush my teeth and wash my face. I packed my trunk before I left Cokeworth, so all I need to do is put away my pajamas and dopp kit. At breakfast, I fall asleep at the table, and once we get to King's Cross and my friends and I settle into our compartment, I fall asleep again. My friends practically have to drag me to the carriage up to school, and Evan has to keep nudging me during dinner to keep me awake.
The next few days of classes go by uneventfully. On Wednesday, Evan and Joseph head off to Quidditch practice, Clarence goes to Chess Club, and John goes to the library, so Lily and I meet up by the lake. We like to dip our feet in the water when it's warm outside and throw bread to the giant squid. We've decided that its name is Samantha, and that we're going to start telling the first years that if you don't feed Samantha every day, it starts dragging students in.
One day, while throwing bread to Samantha, Lily asks me, "Sev? Do you have a crush on anybody?"
I take a minute to think. The image of Evan laughing by the fire pops into my head, but I clear my mind and try to think of the girls in my classes. Unmoved, I shake my head, "No, what about you?"
Lily quickly glances over at me, then looks back at the lake, "Yeah, I do."
Interest peaked, I nudge her shoulder, and say, "So? Who is it?"
She pauses for a second, then says, "I think I like Johnson— you know, Eric Johnson? He's one of the Ravenclaw chasers."
"Really? Him? He's not even that good-looking, Lily!" I laugh.
"He held the door for me yesterday, and he always smiles at me during class! What's so funny about that?" she exclaims, and pushes me gently.
"Anybody would hold the door for a girl, that's nothing special, and besides, he's always got pimples!"
"Everybody has pimples except you— we're 14, Sev! It's normal! Even Petunia had pimples when she was 14, and you know how she is!"
"Well, I'm happy I don't have any pimples," I say, gleefully recalling Petunia crying about her pimples last summer.
"Well, Mr. Snape, we can't all be perfect like you!" Lily laughs, and throws a piece of bread at my head. She misses, and I pick it up and throw it back at her.
Using my best Lucius impersonation, I straighten my tie, and say pretentiously, "Poor Lily, it's a shame you're just not as gorgeous as me. Don't worry, though, I'll still let you hang out with me!"
"Okay, listen you silly goose, when you start getting pimples, I'm going to have no sympathy for you! But really, his pimples aren't that bad! I think he's cute! His eyes are so pretty, too!" she says, blushing lightly.
I look at her with interest. Why is she having this discussion with me? "I dunno, I've never really spent any time with him to notice. Did he ask you out or something?"
"No, but I hope he does!"
Oh, she must be asking for advice! I'm not sure why she would want advice from me, though. Maybe because I'm a boy and Johnson is a boy? Thinking hard, I reply, "I know we're supposed to do a project in charms next, right? Why don't you ask if he wants to be your partner for that or something?"
Lily shakes her head, and exclaims, "I'm a girl! He has to ask me!"
"That's dumb, but okay. Talk to him next time you see him and tell him you heard you're going to be doing a project and see if he asks you to be his partner. Maybe say that you're not sure who you wanna work with this time? Play with your hair a little or something, he'll figure it out," I shrug my shoulders, "And make sure to smile and laugh at his jokes! That's what my mum does with the men at the tavern when she wants tips! I heard her telling the new waitresses that men like it when you act young, and naive, and flirtatious, and that they give better tips if you do your makeup and hair nice and show some cleavage, but you'll get in trouble if you show your boobs, so you probably shouldn't do that."
"That's a good idea! Do you think I should I wear any makeup then, or do you think I already look fine?"
I feel like that's a very loaded question, but if she's asking, then she must really want to know, I suppose, "You might as well, right? It couldn't hurt! Your eyes are real pretty, so maybe some of that black stuff for your eyelashes? And something to cover the pimple on your chin maybe?"
"Is it that bad?" she mumbles, touching her chin.
"I don't think so, but it couldn't hurt, right? I mean, you asked! And don't touch it, Narcissa says if you touch them, you'll make them worse. She has a cream or something that she uses to make them go away."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll buy some concealer and some of the cream next time we go to Hogsmeade! Wanna come with me? You can show me what Narcissa uses!"
"If you want me to, but I'd rather go to the Three Broomsticks with my other friends I think. I don't really care about that stuff, and I'm sure you can find something like what she uses real easy! And anyways, if people saw me there with you they'd think I was, you know, into that kinda stuff, and I don't want people spreading rumors. We could meet up after that, though! Why don't you invite Marlene? Doesn't she like makeup?"
"Good idea! Your hair's getting long again— can I braid it?"
My mind flips back to a couple summers ago when Lily's mum taught her how to braid. Ever since, Lily has always wanted to braid my hair. I always let her. It feels good, and I know she enjoys it, "Sure, I guess. You gotta take it out when you're done, though. It'll look silly if you leave it in, and I'll get made fun of!"
"Okay! I'm gonna give yooouuuu… two french braids!" Lily says cheerfully, "Do you have a brush with you, or should I use mine?"
"I don't carry my comb with me— you can use yours. You want me to quiz you for Herbology while you do my hair?"
"Yeah! It's always easier for me to study when I can move my hands at the same time, you know? You have such silky hair, Sev! I wish my hair was silky like yours!"
"What are you talking about? Your hair is super pretty! I like that yours is wavy. Mine always looks stringy 'cause it's straight!" I don't know why she would want her hair to be like mine, her hair is already gorgeous!
"No! You just never brush yours so it gets tangled, you silly goose! Mine always gets frizzy in Potions and in the summer. I've only seen yours get frizzy a couple of times, and only when it needs trimmed!" she brushes my hair gently and starts sectioning it out.
"Yeah, 'cause it's straight already! But at least yours never looks stringy or greasy or thin! I wish my hair was like yours!"
Lily laughs, and says, "I guess we both want what we can't have. Well, quiz me! Then you can do my hair and I can quiz you!"
"I'm not good at braids or anything…"
"I can teach you! It's super easy!"
"If you say so!" I laugh, and open my Herbology book. The page I open it to has a picture of a rare root I recognize from the lab at Malfoy Manor, and I frown, remembering what happened when we got back to the manor after my checkup, "Lucius got mad at me while I was staying with him the last day of break," I mumble, almost to myself.
"What?" Lily asks interestedly.
"Lucius got mad at me after we got back to his house from my checkup," I say a little louder so that she can hear me.
"Why'd he get mad at you?"
"I had a headache and I was real tired, and he wanted me to make him a really complicated potion, and I asked if I could do it in the morning, and he said he needed it that night."
"Why'd he need it that night?" Lily asks, letting my hair down and beginning to brush it again.
I close my eyes and lean my head back, and mumble, "I dunno, he just said he promised somebody he would give it to them that night."
"Why didn't he make it himself, or buy it, then?"
"I dunno, it was really hard, so Lucius probably wouldn't have been able to do it himself."
"What was it that he needed you to make?"
"The Servus Velle concoction, it's from Advanced Potions."
"What does it do?"
"Lets you control people. They won't have any memory of what happened, though, but they might know they forgot something."
"Why would he be giving somebody that? That sounds suspicious, doesn't it?" she exclaims, putting down the brush and re-sectioning my hair.
"I dunno, I didn't ask," I say, "But anyways, I asked if I could just do it the next day, and he said that his friend needed it that night, and that he'd already promised him I'd get it done. I got frustrated and copped an attitude, and he got real mad and he hit me."
Lily gasps, "He didn't!"
"Yeah, he did. And he drug me down to the lab and said I couldn't come out till I was done. He locked the door, too. But I was being a brat, so I deserved it," I shrug.
"What?!" Lily exclaims, "That's awful! How could he treat you like that?! And he shouldn't hit you! That's so scary! I can't imagine any of my friends treating me like that."
"I was being a brat. I deserved it. I should have just shut up and done it the first time like he said. At least his mum and dad weren't there. They moved to France and had Lucius take over the family business this summer," I say, trying to change the subject.
"Did he at least give you something for your head?"
"Yeah, after a little while when we had both calmed down, he came down and gave me a pain potion for my head, and an invigorating potion, and a big thing of coffee. He made me drink the whole vial of invigorating potion, and the whole thing of coffee, so I was super focused and I ended up being awake all night. The next morning I passed out while eating breakfast. Lucius had to wake me up before we left for King's Cross 'cause I was still asleep. I ended up falling back asleep on the train!" I laugh.
"That's not funny! He shouldn't have made you drink all that! That's not good for you! You know those potions can make your heart beat really fast!" Lily chastises, and letting my braids out, she sits down next to me.
I shrug, and say, "I guess, but I got the potion done, and that's all that matters."
"I dunno, Sev, that doesn't sound good. I don't like that he did that to you. It doesn't sound healthy, you know?"
"I guess, but he had promised his friend, and he took me to my checkup and everything, and he does a lot for me, so I owe it to him to do what he wants. I don't really mind. I like making potions."
"That's stupid! You would have had plenty of time to make the potion before leaving for King's Cross!" Lily exclaims, throwing a rock into the lake. Samantha reaches out a long tentacle and throws the rock back.
I laugh, and throw a new piece of bread at the tentacle as it slides back under the water, and the bread quickly is sucked under, "I dunno, Lily, it's not up to me to decide if it's right or wrong, or smart or dumb. I just do as I'm told. Anyways, I said I was gonna quiz you! Don't you want to study?"
"Yeah," Lily sighs, lying down on her back in the grass, "go ahead and quiz me I guess."
I smile as I pick the Herbology book back up, and glance at her as I begin reading. Her hair has settled around her head on the grass, and her emerald eyes are closed. The sun is shining on her face, and she looks so peaceful— like an angel. And in this moment, I feel as if I would gladly take all the pain in the world to keep her safe and happy.
The next day, as I'm eating breakfast, Lucius' eagle owl swoops down in front of me and holds his leg out importantly. I take the letter and give him a piece of bacon, and he flies off.
"You got mail?" John asks through a mouthful of toast.
I nod, and, mouth dry, I open the letter. What if my potions weren't good enough? What if Lucius has decided he doesn't like me anymore because I was bad? What am I going to do over Christmas? I don't want to go back home again!
Severus—
Please be in the common room at 7pm. I have things I need to discuss with you in private.
— Lucius
Hands trembling slightly, I fold the letter up and shove it in my pocket. No longer hungry, I shove my plate of food away and pick at my bottom lip until it bleeds.
For the rest of the day, I can't seem to focus on my schoolwork at all, and all too soon, it's 7 o'clock. Evan and John convince me to play gobstones with them, but I can't focus, and end up sitting and watching instead, hugging my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth. Every time the door to the common room opens, I jerk around to see who it is.
"Sev, are you okay?" Evan asks quietly, "You've been really twitchy all day."
"I'm fine!" I say with a fake smile, and my voice comes out higher than I want it to, "Everything's fine!"
Evan frowns, shakes his head, and looks back at his game. The door opens again, and my stomach drops as I see Lucius. For one, brief, insane second, I consider hiding behind Evan, but I banish the thought, and stand up. Hanging my head, I walk slowly over to Lucius. When I get to him, he does not open his arms to hug me. I wrap my arms around my chest and hold myself tight, still looking at the floor, waiting for him to speak.
Finally, after a few seconds that feel like an eternity, he clears his throat, and says, "Come with me."
I nod, and, heart beating fast, I follow him into my dorm room.
He closes the door behind me, and, standing with his back to the door and arms crossed, he asks, "Have you had a good day?"
Still hugging my arms around myself, I shrug.
"I asked you a question, and I expect an answer, Severus. Have you had a good day?"
"Um, it was okay, I guess," I mumble, looking down at his boots, "Are you still mad at me?"
Lucius looks down at me as if I'm a bit of dirt stuck the the bottom of his boot, and says, "While I do understand that you are a teenager now, I am not interested in tolerating any more teenager attitude. You're normally very well-behaved and obedient, but just as a reminder, when I tell you to do something, you are to do it without complaint, and without any back talk. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," I whisper.
"Good boy," he says, and pulls me in for a hug, "I like you so much more when you... well, never mind."
I take a deep breath and ask, "Were my potions okay?"
Lucius ruffles my hair, and says, "They were perfect! My friend was very impressed. He said he would like to see more of your work next time you come over."
"That's good, right?"
Lucius lets me go, and smiles back at me, saying, "It's better than good, it's wonderful! He is a very important man, and this was a huge opportunity for us to impress him."
"What's his name?" I ask.
"I will be back in the area for business again next month. My meeting will be in the afternoon, so I'll take you out for dinner after you get done with your classes. I'll send you a letter to remind you that morning, alright?"
"Okay!" I smile.
Lucius ruffles my hair again, and opens the door to leave. As the door opens, I see Evan hastily walking past on his way to the bathrooms. Lucius says hello to Evan, bids me goodbye, and leaves.
Feeling more relaxed than I've felt all day, I head back over to where John is sitting. He asks what Lucius wanted, and I tell him he just wanted to ask me about my plans for Christmas, and to see if I was staying here or going home for Easter. John nods, and goes back to polishing his gobstones. When Evan comes over, he stops to look at me before sitting down.
"What?" I ask, perplexed.
"Your hair's messy," he murmurs, and sits down.
"I haven't brushed it since this morning," I respond, looking curiously at him.
"It wasn't messy like that before you went in our dorm room with Lucius," Evan grumbles.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware my hair was so important to you," I say, raising my eyebrows, "From now on, I'll keep you informed about it at all times."
Evan scowls, and opens his book.
"Lucius ruffled my hair before he left. I don't know why it matters so much to you, though" I roll my eyes, and open my own book.
Evan shrugs, but visibly relaxes.
"He wasn't in there hitting me, if that's what you're worried about," I whisper.
Evan shakes his head, and asks, "Where are you going for Christmas?"
"The manor," I respond.
"What about Easter?"
"I dunno yet. Lucius said he has to finalize his calendar before he knows if I can stay with him or not."
"If you don't go to the manor, are you going home, or staying here?"
"Staying here. What about you?" I ask, hoping he'll say he's going to stay here, too.
"My parents want me to go home for Easter this year since I didn't go to church last Easter. A few of our families are getting together, and they want me to socialize," he says, rolling his eyes.
"Who all will be there?"
"Oh, just us, Clarence's family, and, um," he runs his hand over his hair awkwardly, "the Greengrasses."
"That's nice," I say, and look back at my book, "I wish you could stay, though. Last year was fun."
"Yeah, me too. Believe me, I'd rather be hanging out with you than answering questions about my love life from my Great Aunt Beatrice," Evan grumbles.
I giggle, and put my hand over my mouth.
"Shut up, it's not funny!" Evan smiles, boxing me lightly over the head.
"Will you be wearing a fancy little outfit with your fancy hair all done back?" I snicker, dodging another playful smack.
"Yeah, Evan, are you going to dance with Katherine?" John asks, smirking.
"Shut up!" Evan says, but he's not smiling anymore.
John and I exchange glances, and I say quietly, "It was just a joke."
"It's fine. I just need to study, okay?" Evan says without looking at me.
We all quiet down and work on our homework, and when it's time to go to bed, Evan closes the curtains around his bed.
Once everybody else has fallen asleep, I sneak over to Evan's bed and pull back the curtains. I shake him gently, and he startles awake.
"I'm sorry, Evan," I whisper, "Are you still mad at me?"
"Wha'?" Evan grumbles.
"I said I'm sorry. Are you still mad at me?"
"No! I'm not mad at you! Just go to bed!" Evan groans.
"Are you sure?"
"Merlin's beard, Severus!" Joseph snarls from under his covers, "Get your scrawny ass in bed and shut the fuck up before I smack the shit out of you! I was asleep!"
Heart beating fast, I get back into bed, whispering, "Sorry!"
Joseph grunts, and flips his pillow over, but Evan pulls his curtains back away from his bed before lying back down. I wonder why he got so mad earlier. Maybe it's just like Lucius and Lily have been saying, and he's just growing up and has an attitude. Come to think of it, he does have a few pimples on his forehead, and he has gotten taller and more muscular since the last school year. I roll over onto my side, facing the wall, and close my eyes, imagining how nice it felt when Evan hugged me when we found each other while waiting for the Hogwarts Express the other day. Smiling, I take a deep breath, and drift off to sleep.