July 20th, 1975

When I get off the train for summer break, I look around for my mum, but don't see her. The Evans' offer to drive me home, but I tell them I'm sure she'll be here. Potter and Black notice I am sitting alone and come over to try to taunt me while their parents are busy, but Potter's parents come over to take Potter home before we start actually fighting.

Since my first year at Hogwarts, I have grown and gained a lot of weight. I am now 5 foot 2 and 88 pounds. I am still shorter than everybody in my grade, even some of the girls! Lily is now 5 foot 3, and always teases me for being shorter than her. Evan has been working out, and Joseph is still big and muscular. Clarence and John aren't fat and they aren't skinny. Sometimes I wish I could look like them, but then I remember that being skinny gets me attention, and I stop wishing I could look like them. Lily, worried about how skinny I am, referred me to Madam Pomfrey who gave me a lecture on eating healthily and gave me potions to take to help me gain weight. I never took them.

While I wait on the platform, I read my potions textbook and make more notes in the margins. By the time I am done, it is getting dark. All the other students are gone, but my mum still isn't here. I can't leave— she might be on her way, but I can't stay here all night. I take out the charmed parchment that Lucius gave me, and write:

I've been waiting at the platform for about 2 hours. My mum still isn't here. Are you busy? If not, woud you mind coming and waiting with me?

After about 30 minutes, he responds:

Would, Severus. I will be leaving soon. I was in a very important meeting, but I am finished now.

Soon, I hear the pop of apparition, and Lucius comes striding towards me, scratching absentmindedly at his left arm.
"Meeting go good?" I ask
"Well, Severus, and yes. He was mad at Rowle, but nothing bad happened. If he had been more careful, he wouldn't have been in trouble. I have no sympathy for him."
"Who was mad?"
"Is your mother still at work?"
Why is it that nobody ever answers my questions? I sigh, and say, "I dunno where she is, but I don't wanna leave now just in case she's on her way."
"We'll go check at the tavern, then if she's not there you can inquire about her whereabouts."
"Okay. Thanks for coming."
"Of course! I'm happy to help!" he smiles, and grabs my trunk.

My mum is waiting tables when we arrive at Madame Circe's Tavern, so we go wait by the bar for her. When my mum notices us, she looks shocked, and hurries over.
"Are you in trouble? Why are you here?" she whispers at me.
"Today is the first day of break, mum. I thought you were gonna pick me up!"
"Merlin's beard, I completely forgot!"
"It's fine. Lucius was able to come get me," I say, and she looks at Lucius in surprise.
"You came to pick him up? Thank you so much! Why don't you two stay here and have something to eat? I'll bring you a meal!" Somebody bangs on their table to get her attention, "I have to go. Take a seat at the bar! Lucius, I'll bring you a drink!" she calls as she runs off.
"How did she forget to pick you up?" Lucius asks incredulously as we sit down at the bar.
I shrug my shoulders, and kick my feet against the barstool, staring at a spot on the wall and letting my mind go blank. We eat our cold chicken tenders and fries, and Lucius sips his mixed drink in silence.
After he is done with his drink, Lucius stands up and stretches. "Well, since you're here, I assume your mother will take you home?" he asks, looking around for her.
"Yeah, when her shift is over."
"How long will that be?"
"I dunno. It's fine, I can stay."
"Alright, well, I'll get going then. I was supposed to take Narcissa out tonight. Maybe we'll still be able to make it," he says, checking his watch.
"Okay, sorry for wasting your time."
"No! I always have time for you! You're never a waste of time, Severus. Let me know if you need anything, alright? Have a good summer! I'll take you to the platform as usual," he says, and gives me a quick hug before walking out the door.

My mum isn't done working until 11 o'clock. While she works, I doodle a bit, take some notes in my potions textbook from the past year, and chat with the bartender. He's always been nice to me, ever since I was a little kid.

About a week into break, I look in the kitchen pantry and there is no food. I finished the last of the noodles yesterday. I know I left a note for my mum to either please go grocery shopping herself, or leave me money to go get groceries, but she must have forgotten or been too busy. Thinking hard, I reckon the last actual meal I had must have been those chicken tenders at my mum's work. I didn't even eat the leftovers my dad brought home the other day, because I knew he'd be mad at me if I touched them. He's been in an extra bad mood lately, so I've been trying extra hard to stay out of his way and be good. Even so, he beat me a few days ago and whooped me yesterday. I don't even know why. Stomach churning, legs weak, muscles aching, and mind foggy, I go back upstairs to go back to sleep. The walk up the stairs seems to take an eternity, and uses up all of my strength. What wakes me up is my father stomping up the stairs. I am so weak that I can't move. He opens the door, and I feel him grab my arm.
"What'd you do with my food, boy?" he slurs. I can smell the whiskey on his breath.
"I ain't touched it!" I mumble, looking at the ground, "I swear!"
"You're a goddamn liar's what you are!" he snarls, "I thought I beat that shit out of you a long time ago!"
"No, sir! I ain't lyin' to you!" I cry as he squeezes my arm, "I swear I ain't touched it! I ain't had nothin' but them noodles since I got home! I don't even know what your food was! I swear!" A sharp pain blinds me as he throws me down and my ribs hit the floor.
"THEN WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? I KNOW YOUR MUM AIN'T TOUCHED IT! SHE AIN'T NEVER HOME!" The air is knocked out of me as he kicks me in the stomach. He hasn't even taken his work boots off yet.
"Please!" I sob, "Please! I swear it wasn't me!"
He grabs the front of my shirt and hauls me up, and my left ear erupts in pain as his hand collides with it, "YOU STUPID FUCKIN' KID! I'LL TEACH YOU TO LIE TO ME!" It seems as if he's screaming from underwater, and I can feel something hot dripping from my ear. There's a loud ringing noise, but I don't know where it's coming from. Still holding onto the front of my shirt, my father punches me in the eye, backhands me across my face, and throws me back to the floor to kick me in my ribs. There's a loud crack, and immense pain reverberates through my chest when I breathe in. Eyes swollen, and chest aching, I can't stop crying as he continues beating me, but crying just makes him angrier. Finally, he smacks my head against the floor, and everything goes black.

When I wake up, it is dawn. I'm in a bed wearing hospital pajamas, and the world is strangely quiet out of my left ear. I sit up, wincing as a sharp pain goes off in my ribs. I recognize the hospital room, and realize I must be in St. Mungo's. Ignoring the pain in my chest as I breathe in, I stand up, and sway as a wave of vertigo overcomes me. I grab the side of the bed, and sit back down. I try again to stand, but am too weak, so I fumble at the side of my bed and press the button I know will call one of the healers. When one finally comes, he checks my blood pressure and pulse, and tells me that Healer Smithwick will explain everything when she gets here. I'm incredibly thirsty and hungry, so I ask for a water bottle and a snack. He brings them to me, and tells me I can go back to sleep if I want. I'm tired, but I don't want to lie back down yet, so I drink my water and eat my small cup of applesauce slowly as I watch the full moon disappear into the horizon.

After about an hour, Healer Smithwick comes in with two eggs, a sausage patty, a piece of toast, some grapes, and a glass of apple juice. While I eat, she explains my mum brought me last night when I wouldn't wake up. When I ask where she is now, Healer Smithwick says she doesn't know. She tells me how they healed my broken ribs, but I will be sore for a few days. She says they wanted to fix my left eardrum that ruptured, but that the infection that began in my inner ear needs to get better first. They gave me as much anti-concussion potion as they could, but I will need to stay here for another two weeks so that they can keep track of how my brain is healing, make sure I'm gaining some weight and taking my potions and ear drops every day. She asks me what happened, but I don't respond. She says she reported the welts all over my back and the state I was in when I arrived, but was reminded that the ministry can't legally help me if neither myself nor my mother provides evidence. I don't say anything. I know they want to put me in foster care, and I don't trust anybody to help me anymore. Except maybe Lucius. Like Lucius says, the ministry is inept and can't handle anything well anyways, so it's no use trying. I'll handle it myself.

After lunch, my mum comes to visit me. After we discuss how I'm feeling, I tell her that this is the last time this is going to happen to me.
"Of course it is," whispers my mum, "Remember how last summer when you were so well-behaved he took you fishing and everything?"
"I was well-behaved!" I exclaim, angry.
"Young man, don't you raise your voice at me!" she threatens, looking at the door to make sure none of the healers are listening, "Your father said you ate his food! He works hard at the factory to support us, and he needs his nourishment!"
"I told him I ain't touched it! It wasn't me! I bet he set it in the... the heater? The thing that makes food cooked! I bet you anything he set it in there and forgot to turn it on, and forgot it was in there while he was drinking!"
She points her finger in my face and snarls, "Don't you dare speak about your father in such a disrespectful tone! You're just a nasty, ungrateful brat who doesn't appreciate anything we do for you!"
I clench my jaw to focus on the pain from where I was punched rather than on my mother, and I glare out the window.
"You'd better fix your face and your attitude, before I tell your father how ugly you're being, do you hear me?" my mum whisper-yells at me, grabbing my already bruised arm. Without thinking, I shake my arm to try to get her hand off, and she slaps my face. She doesn't hit nearly as hard as my dad does, but it still stings.
"I'm done," I growl, wrenching my arm away from her fingers, and stalking over to the window, ignoring the how my head swims as I stand up, "I'm done! If you hate me so much, then why'd you bring me here?! I bet you'd love for me to be dead! You never wanted me in the first place!"
My mum stands up, glowering at me, and just as she begins to speak, there's a knock on the door. My mum plasters a smile on her face, and turns around, saying politely, "Come in!"
I take another deep breath and smile at Healer Smithwick as she comes in.
"How are you feeling, lambie? Still having discharge out of that ear?" she says warmly.
"I'm okay. Only a little," I mumble.
My mum grabs her purse from the end of my bed, and says, "Alright, well, I have today off, so I'm going to go get some groceries and make a little supper for your father. Behave yourself for the healers."
My throat feels full as I say, "Yes, ma'am." It's fine. Everything is fine.
My mum says goodbye and leaves. Healer Smithwick comes over once she's gone, and tells me that she'll play a game of cards with me if I'd like. I shake my head, sit back down on my bed, pull my legs up to my chest, and rest my forehead on my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs. When she tries to engage me in conversation, I don't respond. Eventually she leaves me alone.

After a while, I get up and send an owl to Lucius, letting him know what happened. He responds in person. He looks so angry and serious as he marches through the doors that at first I am afraid he's mad at me. He stays for several hours, playing cards with me and talking about new spells he's learning. I tell him that I can't hear much with my left ear anymore, and that it's been hard for me to remember words since I woke up here. He says that he will help me if I ever have to write speeches. I highly doubt that I will ever have to write speeches, but I thank him anyway. He tells me that I can stay with him for the rest of the summer so that I don't have to go back home, and that he'll swing by Madame Circe's Tavern to tell my mum on his way home. Soon, Healer Smithwick chivvies Lucius out, explaining that I need my sleep, and that she'll be back tomorrow. She gives me my potions and my ear drops, and waits with me until I've taken them to turn out the lights and leave the room. I wake up a few times throughout the night when the healer from last night comes to check on me, but other than that, I sleep alright.

The next day, after I've eaten breakfast, I feel less weak and tired, and I have more energy to walk around and do things. Healer Smithwick even lets me go to the lab and watch the pharmacists make the potions for all the patients. I hope that when I graduate, I can do that, too. On my way back from the lab, I run into Lupin! His face is all scratched and bruised up, and he looks gaunt.
"What happened to you?" I ask, shocked, forgoing normal greetings.
"I'm clumsy. I fell down the stairs," he says wearily, "You don't look so great yourself."
I hesitate, considering my options, then, locking eyes with him, I quietly say, "I'm clumsy, too."
Lupin is quiet for a few seconds, then asks, "When did you get here?"
"I got here early yesterday morning. Or, I guess I woke up here."
"Me too," he says, then, staring intently at me, he asks, "Do you come here often?"
"I mean, do you?"
He's silent for a moment, then nods.
"I used to come here all the time before school started," I mumble, "But I never seen you here before."
"I don't think I've seen you here before, either."
"Maybe they were keeping us away from each other?" I ask. My mum always says I get into fights, and I bet his mum says the same thing, so the healers probably never wanted us fighting each other.
"That's possible," he muses, and looks away as a few healers pass by. After a minute, he asks quietly, "Have you told your friends?"
"A couple of them. Do your friends know?" I ask.
"They figured it out."
Suddenly, I wish we were in the same house. I feel like we could have been really good friends if we were. I ask, "Has it gotten worse as you've gotten older, or was it worse when you were little?"
"It's definitely gotten worse as I've gotten older. But that makes sense, I guess," he says, scratching his head.
"Yeah. I used to always think that someday it'd get better, but it never has."
"I don't know why Dumbledore didn't tell us there were two of us, though!" he says with a slight smile.
"What? You're saying Dumbledore knows, but they haven't taken you away? Or do you not live with your parents? Did you just go to visit them then?"
"Why would Dumbledore take me away from my parents? Why wouldn't I live with them?" he asks, furrowing his brows.
"My mum said that if anybody knew," I say, lowering my voice so none of the healers can hear, "that I'd be taken away, and the family that got me would hit me even worse!"
"You family hits you for it? That's awful! They should know you can't control it!" Lupin looks sadly at the bruises littering my face.
"Only my dad. My mum's a witch, so she understands. But if your family don't hit you, then how'd you get like that?" I ask, confused.
"What do you mean?" he asks, frowning.
"If you didn't get beat, then why are you all scratched and bruised up?" I whisper.
The blood seems to drain from Lupin's face, and he shakes his head, backing up, "What are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?" I ask, also taking a step back.
"Um, I need to go. My friends are coming to visit me. I'll see you around!" he exclaims. He turns around before I can say anything else, and walks quickly back down the hall, leaving me perplexed. What just happened? Why did he suddenly pretend as if he didn't know what we were talking about? I guess he's just weird. Sighing, I turn around and walk back to my room. If his friends really are coming to visit, then I don't want to be anywhere near them.

When the day comes for me to be discharged, Lucius comes to collect me. He brings all my clothes from home and my backpack containing my books and homework. Upon getting to the manor, we go to my room and put my things away. Once we're done, Lucius makes me eat lunch. Afterwards, I put on my old ball cap to shade my eyes from the sun, and Lucius puts on his anti-burning lotion and his hat. I tell him he looks silly with the white lotion all over his face and arms, and he says if he doesn't put it on, he'll look like a lobster after being in the sun for five minutes.
"Does your skin stay super white after you wash the lotion off?" I ask, astounded that anybody would want to look that pale.
"No!" he laughs, "The lotion just makes it so that I don't get burned from the sun. My skin is much paler than yours, and it burns very easily."
"Even your head?!"
"Even my scalp."
"But only your dad is pale like you! How come you're like that?" I ask. I know Lily burns easily, but now that I think about it, the only other person I've ever seen who looks like Lucius is his dad.
"My grandmother on my mother's side was also albino."
"What's that?"
"It's a condition where you're born with very little color in your skin and hair. You know how your mother has very dark hair and olive skin?"
"Mm hmm!"
"That's why you have dark hair and olive skin. Even when you don't have a tan, you still have that warm tone to your skin because you were born that way," he explains, holding the front door open for me.
I walk through the door and wait for him, saying, "I understand now. I was born with a lot of color, but you were born with no color."
"Almost no color. My hair isn't white yet, though with you staying here, I don't know!" he laughs again.
I smile, and throw some seeds to his favorite white peacocks, Dolly and Bruce.

When we get back inside, Lucius makes me take the potion for my head that I was prescribed. The potion always puts me to sleep, so when I wake up, we sit on the floor and work on getting rid of my old clothes from home. I don't have much, so it doesn't take very long. He tries to take the two pairs of jeans that actually fit me okay, but I beg him not to, and, taking pity on me, he lets me keep them.
"So where did you get this sweater?" he asks when he gets to Evan's sweater.
"It's from the… the place?" I say, forgetting what word I'm looking for.
"What place?"
"Where you bring stuff that don't fit no more."
"Stuff that doesn't fit anymore?"
"Stuff that doesn't fit anymore."
"The donation center?"
"Mm hmm! The donation center!"
"Hmm, I thought I had seen Evan in a sweater like that at some point. Maybe not… anyways, it's very nice! I'm surprised somebody donated that. It's a bit big on you, though, why don't we shrink it down a bit?"
"No! I like it big. It's comfy, and I can cover my hands with the sleeves like this when I get cold!" I explain, showing him how I like to hold the sleeves with my hands like paws.
"Alright," he laughs, "whatever you say! I still think it looks a bit silly, but I suppose if you like it big, then you can keep it like that. And what about this old t-shirt? And this old sweater? They're disgusting!" he exclaims, holding up my dad's old t-shirt and sweater from the factory he gave me so many years ago for Christmas.
"No!" I exclaim, making a move to grab them out of his hand.
Raising his eyebrows, he jerks the t-shirt and sweater away from my hands.
"Please! Those are special!" I plead, getting up on my knees to try to grab the clothes.
Lucius moves them even farther away from my grabbing fingers, and says, "How could these old rags be special, Severus? Don't be ridiculous! I already let you keep those jeans, you're not keeping these."
"No! Please, Lucius! My dad gave me those! I need those! Please!"
Lucius' lip curls as he watches me beg, but he doesn't make any move to either throw the t-shirt and sweater into the trash bag, or give them back.
"Maybe— maybe if you gave them back, then maybe..." I say, trying and failing to sound calm as I crawl, still up on my knees, slightly closer to the clothes in Lucius' hand.
"Maybe what? You'll shut your mouth and stop being a brat?" Lucius smiles, and ruffles my hair so I know he's joking, "Anyways, I thought you were angry with your father."
"I am! I just— I just..."
"Then why don't you want to get rid of his old things?"
"'Cause they're special!" I exclaim, moving even closer towards him.
"Why?" he asks again.
"'Cause my dad gave them to me before his drinking got so bad! Please don't throw them out! Please!" I plead, making another swipe at the t-shirt and sweater.
Lucius contemplates me for a few seconds, then says, "Fine. You can keep them for when you go back to Cokeworth, but I don't want to see you wearing them here. Do you understand?"
"Mm hmm!" I nod, grabbing for the clothes as he slowly moves to hand them back to me.
He stops, and raises one eyebrow.
Embarrassed, I sit back down on the floor, eyes downcast, and say, "Yes, Lucius. I understand."
"Good boy," he sneers, and hands them back to me. I fold them very carefully, and put them in my lap so that Lucius can't grab them and throw them away while I'm not looking.

After we go through all my clothes, all I have left are a couple of t-shirts, my dad's old t-shirt and sweater, the clothes Lucius has given me, Evan's old sweater, two pairs of jeans, and my robes and uniforms for school. Lucius says I can look through his old clothes tomorrow, and that if I'm good, maybe we can get me some new clothes from Diagon Alley later on over break.
"Can I work in the lab tomorrow? I have a new potion I want to try out!" I say.
"May I work in the lab tomorrow."
"May I work in the lab tomorrow?"
"Not tomorrow. The healers said you should rest for a couple more days and let your brain heal. I don't want you making a mistake that could harm you in the long run. If you're feeling better in a couple of days, then you may work in the lab. If you need any ingredients, I'll take you to get them. I've cleared my work schedule for this next week, anyways," he says with a smile.
"Thank you!"
"It's my pleasure, Severus," he says, and gives me a hug, "Now, I know somebody who needs to get some sleep! Go take a shower and get in bed! The healers at St. Mungo's said to make sure you get lots of sleep, so I'll let you sleep in until eight tomorrow."
"Okay!" I say, getting up, "Goodnight!"
"Goodnight! See you tomorrow morning!" he smiles, and leaves my room.

After my shower, I still feel anxious, so I open my curtains up and stare out the window for a while. I don't feel as if I have any options anymore. It's been a long time since my dad was sober, and as the years have gone by, the beatings have gotten worse and worse. My mum doesn't even care. I really do wonder why she even bothered to bring me to St. Mungo's. When he was giving me back my dad's old t-shirt and sweater, Lucius said I could wear them when I have to go back home, not if, and I'm nervous that I won't survive going home again! I shiver, and put on my dad's old sweater. I know Lucius told me not to wear it here, but he's not coming in. He doesn't have to know I'm still awake. I hate that I still love my mum and dad and want so desperately for them to love me back. I hate that I crave their approval, and that all I want is for them to tell me they're proud of me. Lucius does a good job, but he can never really be my dad. I wish I didn't have to make the decision I'm making, but I don't see any other way out. I don't trust anybody to help me anymore, and if I don't choose now, I might die before I ever have another chance. I used to believe that someday things would get better, but I don't think so anymore.