The next day while I am in Transfiguration, Professor Dumbledore comes to the classroom. I watch him speak to Professor McGonagall for a few urgent minutes, wondering if it's happened. When he asks me to accompany him back to his office, my stomach leaps, but I take a deep breath and clear my mind.
We sit down, and he offers me a glass of water and says, "Severus, I am sorry to inform you of a very unfortunate event that happened yesterday evening," he says quietly, leaning in slightly to look into my eyes.
I look away, "Yes, sir?"
"Both of your parents were found dead last night."
"Both?" I blurt out, without thinking.
"Yes, dear boy, both. Your mother hadn't come into work for several days, so one of her co-workers went to check on her. We have evidence to believe they both died from a fatal alcohol overdose. It seems your mother also had some unfortunate head trauma. I am so sorry," he says quietly, an expression of greatest sadness and sympathy on his face.
I don't want his sympathy. I need to go. I need to get out of here. His eyes seem to pierce me when I look at him, and I don't want him to see my guilt. I take a deep breath, redirecting my gaze to a spot on the wall.
"Severus?" he says as he reaches out to touch my shoulder.
"Thanks for letting me know," I say, shaking his hand off, "May I go now? I should get back to class."
"You are exempt from class for the rest of the day. You will need to go home to speak with your priest about the funeral. I am happy to escort you should you want—"
"I'm fine. Lucius can probably take me," I say, "and if not, I can go on my own."
"Lucius Malfoy?"
"Yes, sir."
"I will contact him for you. While I do that, you're going to go down to the Hospital Wing. I would like you to have a talk with Madame Pomfrey. I believe she wants to do a checkup as well. She said your weight was very low before you left for summer break."
"Yes, sir," I mumble. The bowl of porridge I ate for breakfast feels heavy in my stomach now, and I wish I hadn't eaten anything at all.
"Severus?"
"Sir?"
"Are you alright? I know this must be very hard for you," he says sadly.
I take a deep breath, void my face of emotion, look into his eyes, and say, "Yes, sir, I'm fine. Everything is fine."
He furrows his brows and dismisses me.
On my way to the Hospital Wing, I shove some various coins and vials of potions from my school bag into my pockets to make me heavier. When I get there, Madame Pomfrey, wanting to get the most accurate number on the scale possible, makes me take off my cloak and shoes, sweater, tie, and button-down. Noticing the lumps of coins and vials in my pants pockets, she has me turn out my pockets and put the coins back into my bag, then she asks me to step on the scale to take my weight.
I turn around to step on the scale, and when she sees the scars covering my back, she lets out a tiny gasp, "Oh, sweetheart! What happened to you?"
I shrug.
"Severus, I need to know what happened. Can you tell me? We need to make sure it doesn't happen again."
"It won't. He's dead now. He can't hurt me anymore," I mumble.
"Who?"
"My father."
When she sees how low the number is and compares it with my discharge notes from St. Mungo's, she asks me some questions, then, before she lets me put the rest of my clothes back on, she does some spells to check my heart, stomach, liver, kidneys, thyroid, and intestines. Finding nothing wrong, she lets me put the rest of my clothes back on and gives me a warm blanket. While she tries to engage me in conversation about my previous home life, Lucius and Professor Dumbledore arrive. As soon as he sees me, Lucius comes straight over to me and pulls me into a tight hug. I feel my eyes starting to water, and I bury my face in his chest. I take a deep breath, close my eyes briefly, and open them again, mind cleared.
"I can take it from here, Professor," he says, stroking my hair.
"Thank you, Lucius," says Professor Dumbledore, "Severus, we will talk about the question of your guardianship when you return."
"I'll take care of him, Professor," Lucius declares.
Dumbledore hesitates for a brief second, then looks at me, and says, "We can talk about it once Severus has had a chance to think it over."
I shake my head, and mumble, "It's okay. Lucius has always taken care of me. It never was my parents, anyways."
Lucius pats me on the back.
Dumbledore fixes Lucius with a penetrating gaze, and says, "That's very generous of you, Lucius."
Lucius looks away, then, as if choosing his words very carefully, he says, "Not at all, Dumbledore. I'm just… just doing the right thing for Severus."
"Of course," Dumbledore smiles, still watching Lucius.
As Lucius and I leave the Hospital Wing to go back to the manor, I hear Madame Pomfrey say to Dumbledore, "Professor, there's something I need to tell you," and I know she's going to tell him about my dad. It doesn't matter now anyways, so I shouldn't still be nervous, but I am.
I manage to keep my mind clear until we get to my house, but as soon as we walk through the door, my eyes begin to tear up again. I wipe my eyes angrily, but the tears don't go away.
Lucius pats me on the back, and says, "Come on, let's go to the church, alright? Dumbledore said you needed to talk to the priest about your parents. We need to get that over with, then we can finish up here and be done with it."
I nod, wipe my eyes again, take a deep breath, and lead Lucius to the parish center to talk to the priest. I tell him there's no money for a funeral or headstones or anything. He says the church can cover the burial, but that's it. With no other options, we plan the burial for that evening. While Lucius and I wait, we go back to my house and pack up the few possessions I want to take back to the manor with me and clean out any food or drinks that would go bad while nobody's living there. Once we're done, it's time to go to the graveyard. I know I should cry when I see the fresh mound of dirt covering the bodies of my parents, but I now that I'm face to face with what I've done, all I feel is numb shock. I make the sign of the cross like my dad would have wanted, and turn around to start walking away. Lucius doesn't say anything as we walk back to my house.
Before we leave, I murmur, almost to myself, "What have I done?"
Lucius turns to me, and, with a slight smile, says, "You killed your parents."
I look into his eyes, and say, "My dad must have just gotten his promotion for him and my mum to be drinking. Remember before we left for the train station, she said he was up for a promotion, and they would celebrate if he got it. What if he was gonna be sober for good this time? He took better care of me than my mum when he was sober!"
Lucius sighs, "I'm going to tell you the truth, and I want you to listen. Neither of your parents ever loved you. All Eileen ever did was neglect you. She jumped at every opportunity she could to pass you off to me because she didn't want to have to take care of you. Your father was a violent drunk who should never have had a child. He was never going to stay sober. And you have no way of knowing if he had gotten his promotion. It's more probable that he was drinking and she also took a sip. Did you never see her drink before?"
My eyes start to tear up, and I sniff, "I guess once in a while! But what if he did get the promotion?! He wasn't as bad when he was sober! I could have had my dad back!"
"Stop crying. If he was going to get sober, then he wouldn't have been drinking in the first place. You've done what you've done, and you can't take it back."
"But what if they find out it was me and I go to Azkaban?!" my voice is rising as tears begin to fall down my cheeks.
"Nobody's going to find out it was you. Only you and I know what you've done."
"Lucius? Have you ever done anything bad?" I ask, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.
Lucius smirks at me, and, putting a hand on my back, says quietly, "Come along, Severus. Let's go home, alright?"
Lost in thought, I'm quiet during dinner. Before bed, Lucius reads to me from his conservative newspaper as I lay on my back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, absentmindedly fingering the baby blanket I stuffed in my backpack at the last second before leaving my house. I don't know why I took it, really, but sitting here looking at it now makes me remember the days before my dad started drinking. He stopped letting me sleep with it when I was seven and he lost his job at the mill. He said only babies sleep with blankets or toys, and that he'd throw it away if he ever caught me sleeping with it again. I guess I really am too old for it now. Once I go upstairs, I fold the blanket up neatly, put it in the bottom of my wardrobe, and go to bed. Like my mum used to say, it was a different time.
The next day when I return to Hogwarts, Lucius, Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey, Professor Slughorn and I have a long meeting about my guardianship, my house, and my health. For my guardianship, Lucius signs papers to have custody and power of attorney for me for the remaining one and a half years that I will be underage. Lucius tells them about the protective enchantments he put around my house. They seem content. Slughorn boasts that Lucius always was good with charms.
"And Severus is incredible with potions," says Lucius, looking Slughorn straight in the eyes.
Slughorn looks away uncomfortably. I know he is thinking about all of the gifts Potter has given him to stay in the spotlight. Right then, I know that Slughorn will never give my contact to anybody, and I vow to never go to the Slugclub again. It's okay, though, I have better, more powerful contacts now, anyways.
When the topic turns to my health, I feel attacked and interrogated. Not even Lucius is on my side now.
At one point, I cover my eyes with my hands and sink down into my chair, "Maybe I'll eat more when I've studied enough for my exams and stuff and I can remember things more, and maybe I'll drink more water when I'm not busy worrying about everything, and I don't wanna take any more of your potions! I'm fine! Everything is fine!"
"You're ill, Severus, you can't keep denying it forever," says Lucius.
"You can lead a hippogriff to the water, but you can't make it drink! I say if he wants to be stubborn and mule-headed, then let him be! If he needs help, he'll ask!" exclaims Slughorn, throwing his hands in the air.
"Professor Slughorn! The child is traumatized! You can't tell me you've already forgotten what I told you all this morning! And you've never seen him without that cloak or big, bulky sweater on, but he's absolutely emaciated! He needs rest, more food, more liquids, and more potions for his poor head, not your reproaches!" cries Madame Pomfrey, "I know how much he weighs, and it's absolutely appalling! When I had him step on my scale yesterday, he had put coins and vials of potions in his pockets to make the number higher! The poor thing's all skin and bones! You can't tell me the child doesn't need help!"
"Is that true, Severus?" Lucius turns to regard me with disappointment.
Behind my fingers, I can feel my eyes beginning to well up with tears.
"Well?"
Very slowly, I nod my head.
"How much does he weigh, Madame Pomfrey?" Lucius says, tiredly.
"Well, once I made him take out everything he had put in his pockets, he was 5 foot 2 and 82 pounds. That's even less than he weighed at the end of the last school year! I've tested him for parasites, ulcers, intestinal, thyroid, kidney, and liver issues, reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, cancer, and everything else I could think of! There's nothing wrong with him, other than the fact that he doesn't eat!" she exclaims.
"I told you I thought you had lost weight a few weeks after you left St. Mungo's, Severus!" Lucius sighs, "Why won't you just eat? Do you not like the food Dobby makes? What about the food here?"
I shrug, and mutter, "My stomach just hurts."
"But that's the thing, Severus, sweetheart, I've tested you for everything under the sun! There's nothing wrong with your stomach! You weighed 86 pounds when you left the hospital this summer after promising the healers that you would eat, yet here you are now! Are you just anxious? Is that why your stomach hurts?" Madame Pomfrey says, lowering her voice.
I shrug.
"Because if you're anxious or stressed, that might be what's making your stomach hurt."
I shrug again.
"I'm happy to give you a daily potion to help you calm down a bit for a month or so if that's what you need to be able to eat. Do you think that would help you?"
I don't answer her.
"Madame Pomfrey asked you a question. Don't be disrespectful, Severus. Answer her," murmurs Lucius, rubbing my back.
"I dunno," I mutter, "I don't wanna take any more potions if I don't have to."
"Why, sweetheart? If it would help you, why wouldn't you want to take them?"
I shrug, then, not wanting Lucius to be mad at me, say, "I'm not crazy. I don't need potions. Like you said, there's nothing wrong with me."
Madame Pomfrey looks into my eyes, and says seriously, "Sweetheart, if you keep losing weight, we're going to have to admit you back to St. Mungo's. You don't want that to happen, right? You want to be healthy and do well in school, don't you? And I know your friends want to see you happy and healthy, too."
Feeling my eyes well up again, I look away.
Madame Pomfrey sighs, and says, "I suppose we can talk about this more at another time when he's not so wound up. Lucius? You have your work cut out for you, I hope you know that."
"Yes, ma'am," Lucius says, "he's always been like this. I don't remember it being so bad when I was still in school, though. But no matter, we'll figure it out, won't we, Severus?"
I just nod.
We finish up the meeting, and before heading back to the Slytherin common room, Madame Pomfrey tells me to come to the hospital wing next Friday after my classes and we can talk about starting a daily potion to make me less anxious. I say I'll go, but secretly, I think I'll "forget." I'm not crazy. I don't need help.
It is only when we get back to the dorms that I remember Lily. I squirm nervously. I want to tell her everything, but she'll think I'm a bad person if she knows what I've done. When my friends ask what happened, I state that my parents died, and that I don't want to talk about it. They all give their condolences. Evan gives me a long hug. I don't pull away. We all meet around the fireplace, like we used to. Lucius takes his armchair back, and I sit on the floor next to him. Evan sits next to me. Joseph and Clarence sit on the small couch, and John sits on the other armchair. Regulus and his friend Rabastan (Rodolphus' younger brother) sit by the fire. Normally I would talk with my friends or do homework, but today I just stare into the fire, letting myself dissociate.
When it is time for Lucius to leave, I walk with him to the front entrance. He pats my back, smooths my hair out of my face and tells me that if I need him to let him know, but that he will be very busy for the next few months.
"What are you so busy with? Who do you keep having meetings with?"
"You'll know soon enough."
"Don't treat me like a baby! I wanna know. I wanna be part of it. I don't wanna be weak anymore!"
"It's want to, Severus, and be grateful that I tell you anything about it when you aren't even out of school yet. As for you joining, what do you think I've been introducing you to all of my friends at the manor for?" he whispers, then, in his normal volume, he says, "Now, do well in school. Keep your grades up, and try to present yourself better. I understand that you aren't feeling well right now, but remember to keep your hair back and try to stand up straight. You're already so short, you don't want to look any shorter. And for Merlin's sake, eat your food!" With that, he walks out of the doors. He looks back when I yell his name. I don't know what I want to say, but somehow I feel as though I need to say something. I wave sadly at him, then close the doors.
"Whatcha doing, Snivellus?" Potter's voice rings out from behind me, unveiled disgust in every syllable.
Grabbing my wand, I turn on the spot to see Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew a few feet behind me. How did they get here? I didn't see anybody behind us when Lucius and I were walking up here!
Before I have a chance to do anything, Black disarms me, and my wand clatters away, "We saw you with Malfoy, and thought you two must be up to something. So what is it? Planning on poisoning somebody? What about some dark arts?" mocks Black.
"No! I haven't poisoned anybody!" I exclaim as my heart starts beating faster, "Just leave me alone!"
"Guilty conscience?" asks Potter as he begins walking towards me.
I step backwards, and my back hits the closed doors, "No!"
"We're just trying to keep the school safe— safe from little gremlins like you and my dark arts obsessed brother," sneers Black, pointing his wand at my heart.
"You don't even have the right to call him your brother, Black. He doesn't even like you! He hates you! You disgust him! You're stupid and ignorant and pompous and it's your own fault that your family hates you!"
Suddenly, the doors to the school open back up, pushing me forward. From the floor, I turn to see Lucius. His eyes dart from me to Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew, then narrow to fixate on Black, whose wand is still pointed at me, "Oh dear, what must your mother and father think, Sirius. Fighting four against one," he sneers, shaking his head, "Funny— I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be braver than that."
"So you think we're cowards?" Black snaps, red in the face.
"I don't think I said that," Lucius smiles nastily, "I'd suggest you boys run along now, or I might have to make a call on poor Walburga and Orion and let them know what their eldest son has been doing in his free time."
"Come on, Sirius, James, let's go," Lupin murmurs, pulling his friends away.
"Thanks," I sniff, finding my wand and pocketing it as the four Gryffindors disappear back up the stairs and down the hall, "Why'd you come back?"
"You called for me, and I saw something moving behind you when I turned around. I didn't think I had seen anybody around us before I left, so I figured I'd come back to make sure everything was alright."
"They surprised me. I didn't even have time to do anything besides draw my wand," I mumble.
Lucius opens his mouth to say something, shuts it, then says, "Why don't I walk with you back to the common room? Or at least most of the way there. I don't like the idea of them harassing you, especially not now while you're not feeling yourself."
"If you want. I feel bad that we came all the way out here just for you to go all the way back just for me."
"It's alright, Severus, I'm happy to walk you back to the common room! Do they come at you like that very often?" Lucius asks, putting a hand on my back and guiding me back down the hall.
I nod my head, "Yeah, all the time. They're obsessed with me— they're always trying to get me for stuff. They say they're trying to 'protect the school,' but all they're doing is ganging up on me. And they only ever come after me. They don't go after Evan and Clarence and them."
"Oh, so they fancy themselves vigilantes, do they? Well, I'd say you should go to Slughorn about them, but honestly, if his behavior today was any indication about how he feels, I don't think he'd be of much assistance. Plus, with the way this school is going..." I shoot him an inquizitive glance, and he whispers, "Too many mudbloods and blood traitors running around these halls. Pure blood is worth less and less these days, unfortunately. Don't you agree?"
I think of Lily, but if I disagree with Lucius, he'll be mad at me, so I just nod, and mutter, "Mm hmm."
Lucius gives me another hug when we get to the entrance common room, and says, "Just stick with your friends whenever you can. Don't go anywhere alone unless you have to, alright? Don't give them a reason to bully you. If you have to fight, be careful. You don't want to be the one who ends up being punished if a professor sees you, do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius. I'll be careful. I promise!"
"Good boy. You're going to make this a good year, right?"
"Mm hmm!"
"Goodbye, Severus, I'll see you at Christmas!"
"Bye!"
Lucius walks off, and I go into my common room. I go sit by the fire to be alone with my thoughts for a bit, but find that Regulus is already there. He asks if I'm doing alright, and somehow I end up telling him how Potter and Black and their friends were accusing me of poisoning people, and how they never leave me alone. I tell him how my parents both died of alcohol poisoning. I tell him how my father abused me, and how I'm sure my father must have finally gotten his promotion to have convinced my mum to drink with him.
Regulus listens in silence, then says slowly, "From what you've told me about how your father used to treat you, he deserved what he got. My mum always says that muggles are all like that, but there's the proof— your father was so scared of you and your mum's magic that he became a monster. That's just how muggles are."
"I guess so. When he was sober, he was alright for the most part, but he wasn't usually sober. Some of the other men that lost their jobs at the mill started drinking, too. I guess muggles are all like that. But then again, my friend Lily's parents are muggles, and they're really nice to me. They took me to the hospital one time, and I spent Christmas with them one year, and they've always been really nice to me."
"I'll bet you anything they're just waiting to hurt you for your magic. That's what my mother always says. Muggles are monsters— they wait for people like us to show our powers, then they hurt us because they're scared."
"I never thought of that! But how could that be true? I know that Lily's sister is hateful like that, but her parents have always seemed so nice! I always thought they liked me!"
"It's true, my mother always says it. If you're still worried, though, ask your friend. I bet she knows it, she's just hiding it because she's jealous that you're halfblood and she's only a mudblood."
"Don't call her that."
"Why? That's what she is, isn't she?"
"I mean, I guess. But anyways, I have to go find her. I gotta ask. Will you come with me?"
"Sure thing!
We leave and head to the library— I figure Lily will be there. She says her common room is noisy, so she likes to study in the library instead. When I don't see Lily in the library, I go up to Marleen and ask where she is. When Marlene turns around to look at me, there is disgust in her eyes.
"Oh, we heard about what you said to Sirius. Lily said she didn't believe it, but I know better. You're just as nasty as James says you are!"
"Black was accusing me of poisoning people! He deserved to be told the truth!"
"Sirius would never do that, you little liar!" she exclaims, "I don't even know why Lily still talks to you, you with your dark arts friends!"
"They're not like that!" I snap.
"Really? Are you that stupid? I know you know what Mulciber did to Dorcas Meadows the other day!"
"What did he do, mess up her skirt a little? That was just a joke, Marleen!"
"Get away from me, Snape. I don't even want to be near you!"
"Fine! You're weird, anyways, the only reason I talked to you is 'cause I wanted to know where Lily was," I sneer, and walk away. To be honest, I didn't even say anything that bad to Black, only the truth. He deserved it. He's so stupid, it probably went in one ear and out the other. He was just waiting for an excuse to hex me. I'll get him back, though. Then Lily will see that he's the one at fault, not me.
Regulus and I walk to the owlery, and he lets me use his owl to send Lily a letter.
Lily— I don't know what you heard hapened between me, Black and Potter, but it's not true! They ackyoosed me of poisoning people! What was I supposed to do? Plus Lucius came back and stoped it before it got bad. Please don't be mad at me it wasn't my fault. Also I need to talk to you about your parents. Me and Regulus were talking about our parents and I told him that I've always loved your parents and he said that because there muggles they really don't like me and there just waiting for me to do something wrong then they'll hurt me! That can't be true is it?
Sev
By the time I get back to my common room and am studying with Regulus, I get a letter back.
All I know is that you and Malfoy said some really terrible things to Black and to Potter. I can't believe that they would accuse you of poisoning people, but still, you can't just say things like that to people! I know that you're used to people fighting, but you can't do that! Now Marleen is talking about how she doesn't trust you, and how you were mean to her, and how you said that what Mulciber did to Dorcas the other day was a joke! I can't believe you would have said that, or that you would believe for one second that rubbish about my parents, but I don't know anymore. I feel like you're turning into somebody I don't know, and I'm scared. I want to stay friends forever, but you're scaring me, Sev. We can talk about it tomorrow during charms.. We'll be practicing banishing charms, so it'll be nice and loud.
Lily
I am shocked— how could Lily think that about me? I'm the same as I've always been. She must just be worried that my brain stuff is turning me into a zombie or something. Yes, that has to be it. I'll set her straight tomorrow during class. I'll tell her that the death of my parents really made me weak yesterday, and that I'm not even mad at Marleen or Black anymore. I'll tell her I'm still super nice, then she'll still like me, and we'll be like we used to be. Everything will be alright.
"Listen, it wasn't my fault! They attacked me!" I appeal to Lily during Charms the next day.
"I understand, Sev," she says, giving Potter and Black a dirty look, "but you can't say that stuff to people! That's the sort of stuff your dad says to you! You don't wanna be like that, do you?"
"Oh, I don't think I told you— it all happened so fast— my parents died a few days ago. Dumbledore told me when he took me out of Transfiguration the other day. There was no money for a funeral, so the church buried them in the graveyard. That's why I was gone yesterday."
"Oh, Sev!" Lily exclaims, throwing her arms around me in a big hug, "No wonder you've been acting odd!" the whole class turns around to look.
"Lily, stop, it's fine" I say as my face starts going red, "Get off! It's fine!"
"No, it's not fine! Your parents died and here I was mad at you 'cause I thought you were ignoring me!" she cries.
"His parents are dead?" I hear whispers throughout the class, and gently push Lily off me. I see Potter looking at me, but I can't quite pinpoint his expression. Anger? Frustration? Confusion? It couldn't be jealousy— what do I have that he could be jealous of?
As Professor Flitwick redirects the class, Lily and I continue our conversation, "You know, my dad must have finally gotten that promotion for him and my mum to have both been drinking."
"I'm so sorry, Sev."
"It's fine. Honest. It's just weird to legally be an orphan now. I always kinda raised myself I guess, so it doesn't really feel that different."
Lily gives me a quick, one-armed hug and says, "Don't worry, Sev! I bet my parents would love to take you in!"
I frown, wishing I had thought to ask them first, but then Lucius would have been mad at me, and I don't want to lose him, and then I think of my friends. I would lose all of them, probably even Evan, if I moved in with Lily's family, so I just say, "Damn, I wish I had thought of that. When Dumbledore told me, I just told him to write to Lucius, 'cause he's always taken care of me, you know? He's always taking me to stay at his manor for breaks, and giving me nice stuff, so I just thought of him first, I guess. Lucius already signed the papers for temporary guardianship, so he already has custody and everything."
"I suppose that makes sense that you'd think of him first. He's always kinda pushed you around and told you what to do, so he has lots of practice being your dad already," Lily lets out a forced laugh, "Do you think he'll at least let you come visit me over the summers?
"I dunno," I say, knowing full well I'm not even going to try to ask him. He thinks that Lily and I aren't even friends anymore, "We can at least write to each other, though, and we can still be friends at school, right?"
"I guess so. It's a shame that it had to happen this way. I'm sure we'll be able to make it work. We always have, but it'll just be a bit harder from now on. My parents have friends who live far away that they don't get to see very often, so we'll just have to make do like they do. It'll be fine," she says.
I give her a one-armed hug, but let go when I see Potter glaring at me. What is his problem? I know he likes Lily, but they're not together, and we're just friends, "Potter's been glaring at me this whole time," I mutter in Lily's ear.
"That's 'cause he's a pompous toe-rag, Sev. Just ignore him."
"Does he think we're, you know, together or something? 'Cause we're not. We're just friends."
"Hmm, maybe. I'm not sure. I know he likes me, but there's no reason for him to be jealous of us! Like you said, we're just friends."
As I open my mouth to speak, Lily does a perfect banishing charm, "How are you so good at everything?" I ask, partially to gloss over the awkward moment, and partially because I'm annoyed, "It's not fair!"
"Oh, boo-hoo, somebody else is better than you for once in your life. If anything's not fair, it's how good you are at potions and defense."
"Yeah, but potions is easy! I just study real hard at everything else! I just can't ever remember the spells for charms or transfiguration. I remember the stuff for defense 'cause I have to use it. Lately, I just haven't been able to remember other stuff, though," I muse.
Lily lightly touches my arm, "Do the professors know about what happened this summer?"
Feeling watched, I look back over at Potter. He looks away quickly, and I say, "Yeah. McGonagall was real nice about it, actually. She's giving me extra time on exams if I need it since my last concussion was so bad, and she said she'll meet with me once a month around when it's time for me to take my potion to make sure I'm on track and remembering things. In December, I'm supposed to go back to St. Mungo's to make sure everything's healed okay, and if it has, then I won't have to take my potions anymore."
"I love McGonagall, she's so sweet."
"Yeah, I think she feels bad about how she treated me before they all found out that my father was a drunk, 'cause she wasn't that nice to me before—" suddenly, a pillow hits me from behind so hard I fall over on my hands and knees. Getting up, I hear laughter. Spitting hair out of my mouth, I spin around, grabbing my wand, and point it straight at Potter, who is doubled over, laughing.
"Sev," Lily laughs and pushes my wand down, "it was a joke! Don't take it so seriously!"
"It wasn't a joke. He wanted to hit me with the pillow to hurt me," I growl, as Potter walks away, fluffing up his hair like an idiot.
"It's just a pillow, you silly goose. Sometimes, you amaze me."
"If you'd spent every year here being harassed by them, you wouldn't be so quick to laugh," I mutter.
"Oh, by the way," Lily lightly touches my right hand, "I like your ring! Where did you get it?"
I can feel my heartbeat speed up slightly as I remember the way Yaxley's hand felt moving up my thigh. I shiver as the memory of Dolohov saying how lovely I'd sound screaming pops into my head.
"Sev?" she asks after a couple of seconds pass by.
"Sorry, I got distracted. Thank you! Lucius gave it to me! I'm thinking about having my cartilage pierced and getting a matching earring, but I don't know if Lucius would like that," I say, not meeting her eyes.
"That would look so good on you, Sev! You should get your lobes done, too. You'd look super cool with lots of piercings! But what does it matter if Lucius would like it? He doesn't own your body, you do!"
"You think so? I've been wanting my ears done for a while!" I say, ignoring the last part of what she said.
"I could do your ears! Ruth and I did ours with safety pins over the summer."
"Okay! Let's do it after class! You're right! I don't care what Lucius thinks about it. The most he can do is make me take them out, and I won't see him again for a while, so they'll have lots of time to heal!" A reckless abandonment sets over me, and we make plans to meet in the girl's bathroom where the ghost Moaning Myrtle always hangs out.
After class, I wait by the abandoned bathroom while Lily runs to her common room to grab extra earrings, a safety pin, rubbing alcohol, and cotton balls. When she gets back, she gives me a pain potion while she rubs my ears down with the rubbing alcohol and casts Scourgify on the safety pin and various earrings.
"Why do you have a random pain potion?" I ask her.
"Um, for when I have cramps. Obviously?" she says, rolling her eyes.
"Like, muscle cramps?"
"Like period cramps, you silly goose!"
"Oh. What's that?"
"Are you serious?"
I nod my head, feeling stupid
"Oh! Um, I guess I can explain it to you," she says, "but first let me do your ears. Where do you want the piercings, and how many do you want?"
"Oh, it doesn't matter to me. Do whatever you think looks good. I trust you. And I'll just take a little sip of the potion, I'll be fine. You save the rest for yourself."
"Are you sure? It's gonna hurt!"
"Yeah, it doesn't matter. I'll be fine," I say, taking a tiny sip then handing the vial back to her.
"Okay, whatever you say, Sev!"
After numbing my ears up with some ice conjured from the tap water, she proceeds to do two piercings through each of my lobes, two piercings through my right helix, and one through my left. The ice and the sip of pain potion I took help a bit, but I can still feel a lot. Rather than let her see my pain, I take a deep breath, fix my eyes on a spot on the wall, and let myself dissociate, then I hear her say my name.
I blink, look around, and say, "Mmm?"
"You there?" she smiles, but I can tell she's a bit put-off.
"Yeah! Sorry, I was just thinking," I say, glancing in Lily's cloudy handheld mirror.
"Maybe I shouldn't have done so many…" she says.
"No! They look great!" I exclaim. As I stand up, the blood rushes to my head and I feel faint. I grab the sink to catch my balance, then closely examine my ears in the mirror, "Do you want me to replace these earrings for you?"
"No, that's okay! I got a bunch this summer, so I'm fine. I have a couple pairs left that I brought— you wanna give me a couple new piercings? I want my doubles done for my lobes, and I want my helix done like I did your left one!" she says, pulling the earrings out of her bag.
"Okay! You want the two on your right helix, too?"
"Ooo yeah! Then we'll match! Let me clean off the safety pin. You can clean off my ears and the earrings."
After we're done, we have matching left and right helix piercings. She ends up not wanting her doubles done on her lobes, though. The pain potion she took has worn off by the time I finish her cartilage piercings, and she doesn't want to touch her ears anymore. On our way outside, Lily explains periods to me, and I wish I hadn't asked. When she's done, we chat about our summers a bit more. I tell her about how I sold a few potions to make money, and she tells me about how Petunia got in trouble with her parents because one of her teachers caught her kissing her boyfriend outside of school. I tell her about how much fun I had playing with different poisons, and she tells me how she and her friends hung out at the park together, but that it wasn't the same as hanging out at the park with me. I talk about how some of Lucius' friends scared me a little, but they're really powerful in the ministry, so it's okay. She asks what their names were and why they scared me. I tell her I don't remember anymore, but they're older, so I was probably just a little awestruck. She asks what kind of poisons I made, and I tell her about one I was thinking about making that destroys the drinker's liver, but I never made it because it was too hard. She gives me a look with raised eyebrows, but doesn't say anything else about it. Once we get to the lake, we sit in silence. That's something I've always liked about Lily— I never feel as though I have to talk when I'm with her. It's enough to just be together.
When the sun starts to set, we stand up, and I mumble, "It's getting late. We should head back to the castle."
For a second, we look into each other's eyes, and she blushes, "Sev, I— nevermind."
"What?"
"It's all going to be okay, right? You Know Who, and all the deaths, and everything that's happening out there. Do you think it's gonna be okay?"
I squeeze her hand, and murmur, "I don't know. We just have to survive. That's all. Just keep surviving. But that's not what you wanted to hear, is it?"
Lily shakes her head.
I hesitate for a second, unsure of what to do, then ask, "Would you like a hug?"
Lily nods, and I wrap her up in my arms. She's taller than me, but I don't care.
After a minute, Lily lets go, and says, "Thank you for being honest."
"Of course!"
"Sev?" she asks, pushing a strand of hair behind one of her ears, "have you ever gone on a date with anybody before?"
"Nah," I respond, "I haven't had money till this summer, anyways."
"Is there anybody you'd want to go on a date with?" Lily looks into my eyes. I hadn't noticed before, but she's wearing mascara.
I think of Evan, then take a deep breath, and say, "I guess, but they wouldn't wanna go out with me."
"They?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.
"No, not more than one person, silly goose," I grin.
"Who is it, then?"
"It doesn't matter."
Lily laughs quietly, and says, "You can tell me! I promise I won't make fun of you!"
I shake my head and stare out across the lake. If I tell her, then I'm sure she'd think I was crazy, and disgusting, and she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Besides, the way I feel is wrong, anyways. I need to find a girl I like.
"You've gotten so secretive since we came to Hogwarts," Lily frowns, "But I guess you've always been secretive."
"I don't want you to have to worry about me."
"But we're best friends! I'll always worry about you! Always!" she exclaims, "Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me?"
I think about all the poisons I made and sold over the summer. I think about the spells I've created. I think about the conversations I listened to Lucius and his friends having about mudbloods and muggles and wizarding supremacy. I think about how Yaxley's hands felt unbuttoning my shirt, and how Dolohov's cherry lollipop made me feel so tired and weak. Finally, I think about Evan, and how I can't understand why I feel the way I feel about him. Then I shake my head and look straight into her beautiful emerald eyes, "I can't."
She looks away to the sunset, and murmurs, "I think I understand."
As we walk back to the castle, I feel as if a divide has gone up between us— as if we are somehow separated by miles and miles, even though we are right next to each other. When we reach the front doors, we say goodbye, and Lily and I walk away in separate directions back to our respective common rooms. I look back, wanting to say something, but Lily doesn't. The words I wanted to say die on their way up, and I turn back around and walk away from the first real friend I ever had.
When I get back to my common room, it is dark. Regulus and Evan have stayed by the fire to wait for me. I am glad to have friends like them. Evan puts his arm around my shoulder when I sit down. I know I should pull away, but I don't. Regulus gives us a small smile. They both say they like my piercings. It might be the firelight, but Evan seems to be blushing a bit. When I ask him if he's too warm, he nods, takes his sweater off, crosses his legs, and covers them with his sweater, but puts his arm back around my shoulder when he's done. We stay up talking far past when we should have gone to sleep, and when we finally say goodnight and go to our respective dorms, I lay in bed mulling over the day. My mind wanders to how nice Evan's arm felt around me at the fire, and I glance over at him. He is lying on his side with his blanket half hanging off him. I smile to myself, then quickly look away. Unbidden, the image of him shaving pops into my head. I can feel my heart-beat speed up, and embarrassed, I turn over, clearing my mind. I should be thinking of a girl. Not my friend. Not another boy. That's not natural!
Unable to sleep, I get up and head to the bathroom to take a shower and clear my head. The eucalyptus scent of the shampoo, conditioner, and soap Lucius gave me makes me feel special, and the hot water relaxes my muscles. When I feel ready to go back to bed, I turn the water off, and immediately wrap myself in my towel, shivering. I put my boxers and sweatpants back on, wrap my hair up in the towel, and get out of the shower. I go to put my sweater back on, but stop when I hear footsteps.
"Sev? Why are you up so late?" Evan's voice calls out quietly.
My breath hitches, "Evan! You startled me! I couldn't sleep, so I came in here to take a shower. What are you doing?" I say, trying to keep my voice down. I don't want to wake anybody else up.
"I couldn't sleep either, and I noticed you get up and leave. I figured if neither of us can sleep, why not hang out together, right?" he says quietly, walking closer. He is wearing one of his thin gray t-shirts. It is just tight enough to see his muscles through.
I can feel myself blush, and I look away, "I guess. Why don't you take a shower? That always helps me when I feel tired! Anyways, I'm going to go back to bed now!" I fumble with my towel as I take it off my head, set it down, and grab my sweater, holding it by my waist. I wish he would stop walking towards me and look away.
Evan looks me up and down, and says, "You've been eating less again, haven't you?"
"No! Maybe. I dunno. I've just been busy," I sigh, "I'm sorry that I'm naturally ugly, but here we are."
"No, that's not what I was saying! I'm just worried about you, that's all. I don't want you to get sick!" he's close enough to touch me, and I can't help but look into his face, "And besides, I don't think you're ugly at all."
My heart is pounding in my chest. The goosebumps on my arms aren't from the cold, and the room feels warm and misty from the hot water, "What do you think of me, then?" I whisper, looking up at him and remembering how he put his arm around me by the fire.
"I think you're perfect," he whispers back, and suddenly his lips are on mine and his hands are all over, tangling in my hair and running down my back, and then—
"No," I gasp, pulling away, "we shouldn't be doing this. This is wrong."
"But— but, Sev," Evan teeters on the verge of saying something, but then he sighs, and, running his hand through his hair, he murmurs, "No, you're right, like always. I'm sorry."
"No, it's my fault. Let's just go to bed, okay?"
"Okay."
"Oh! By the way— did you want your sweater back? Sorry I keep forgetting to give it back to you!"
Evan looks at me sadly, then says, "You keep it. I told you, I want you to have it."
Unsure of how to answer, I smile shyly up at him, and he pulls me into a tight hug. He holds me for a minute, then slowly lets go. Looking at the floor, I ask, "You want a towel or something to hold?"
"Nah, nobody's out anyways," Evan grins embarrassedly, "and if they are out at this time of the night, then it's not my fault what they see."
I pull my sweater on, thankful that it's extra long on me, and we head back to our dorm. While before, I was relaxed from my shower, now my mind is buzzing with questions. Once I'm back in bed, I roll over to look at Evan. He is lying on his back with his covers bunched up around his hips and his hands clasped behind his head. I can tell that he is not asleep, either. I feel my heart-beat quicken as I remember how Evan's hands felt on my body— so different from how it felt when Yaxley or Dolohov were touching me. Evan was gentle, loving, and passionate, not cold and demanding. I can't imagine anybody could possibly think I was perfect, and I'm angry at myself for feeling the way I do. I shouldn't feel this way about my friend. I should feel this way about a girl, not Evan. I hope he doesn't tell anybody about what happened. In fact, maybe it didn't even happen at all— maybe it was just some weird, crazy dream I had! There's nothing between us. Nothing at all.
The next morning when we get up for class, Evan and I don't look at each other. At breakfast, Joseph remarks that we both look tired. Evan looks down at his toast, and I say that I couldn't sleep. Clarence, John, and Joseph exchange glances, but don't say anything else, and the rest of the day passes uneventfully.
For the rest of the semester, Evan and I don't say anything about what happened that night. I end up staying at the manor for Christmas. Lucius tries to get me to get rid of my earrings, but finally gives in and lets me keep them after I stand up for myself for the first time ever. He ends up saying that I can keep them as long as I take them out for his wedding. I think that's very reasonable, and agree to the terms. When I get back from Christmas break, my friends and I really amp up our studying for O.W.L's. I watch all the Quidditch matches with Clarence and John while Evan plays as Keeper and Joseph plays as one of the Beaters, and we continue on as normal. The day before Easter Break starts, Evan approaches me.
"Hey, I was wondering…" he says, looking down, "I was wondering if you wanted to come to my place for Easter. You know, in case you didn't have other plans already. It's okay if you can't! It was just an idea!"
"I'm sorry, I have to go to Lucius' for his wedding. Remember? I would have loved to hang out with you over break, though!" I say sadly.
"Oh, right! I forgot! That's okay! No worries! I'll see you there, since my family's invited! You're not going to stay there after the wedding, though, right? Ask Lucius if you can come to my place after the reception! He'll want to hang out with Narcissa on their honeymoon, so I'm sure he won't mind!"
"You're right!" I smile, "Can I use your owl to ask him today after classes are over?"
"Of course!"
"Cool," I say, feeling awkward, "well, we should probably get to class! You coming?" And I turn around.
"Yeah!" he says, and gives me a brief, one-armed hug before following after me.