August 17th, 1976
One night, towards the end of summer break, Narcissa comes home early from spending the day with Bellatrix before Yaxley has left. Ecstatic to have been given a reason to get away from Yaxley, I spring up from the couch to go say hi, but I stumble from the wine Lucius gave me to calm me down. Narcissa's smile slips.
She walks briskly over to me, and says, "Come on, I think you need to go to bed. Let's go!"
"We're almost done here. He can stay," Lucius says, smiling at her.
Narcissa hesitates for a second, then sits down next to Yaxley, and pulls me down to sit on her other side.
I nervously hug my knees to my chest, and whisper to Narcissa, "Can I go get some water?"
"Of course! You live here! You don't need to ask if you can get a drink! While you're in the kitchen, button your shirt back up," she says.
I thank her, and slowly stand and walk to the kitchen to get some water. I know Lucius will be mad if I take too long coming back, so I put water in a glass and hasten back to the living room.
On my way back, I stumble over my own feet, and drop the glass. The noise seems deafening, and reminds me of when my dad would throw empty bottles of alcohol in his anger. The living room goes quiet, and I start backing away from the shattered glass. I stumble, and grab the wall as Lucius comes into the hallway looking livid.
"What is wrong with you?! Why did you break that glass?!" he whisper-yells at me, cleaning it up with a swish of his wand.
"I didn't mean to!" my voice cracks, "I tripped and it fell!"
Lucius shakes his head, and grabs my arm, "Get back in here and sit down."
"But I'm thirsty!" I whine. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. From the hallway, I hear Narcissa begin awkwardly asking Yaxley how his work has been going.
Lucius sighs, and pulls me back into the kitchen, gets out a new glass, fills it halfway with water, and hands it roughly to me.
I take it and chug all the water, then fill the glass up again.
"You always do a good job controlling yourself. You just need to be good for a little while longer, then you can go to bed, alright?" Lucius murmurs, and pats my back.
I nod, finish the rest of my water, and let Lucius lead me into the hallway and back into the room. After a few minutes, Yaxley stretches, careful not to touch Narcissa, and stands up. He says goodbye, and Lucius walks him to the door. While Lucius is gone, Narcissa fills up my water bottle and walks me upstairs.
"I wanted to ask Lucius if I could invite Evan over, but I wasn't good," I murmur sadly before she closes my bedroom door.
"You tripped and dropped a glass. It's happened to all of us. Don't worry about it! I'm sure he'll let you invite Evan over! I think it's a great idea! I like Evan. He's always been sweet and well-mannered, and he comes from such a good family," Narcissa says, "Anyways, goodnight! Tomorrow I'll trim your hair. You're getting some awful split ends, and I need to do Lucius' as well."
"Thanks, Cissa!" I smile.
That night, as I'm walking down the hallway to go refill my water bottle, I hear Lucius and Narcissa arguing in their bedroom. I try not to listen, but I can't help it.
"Lucius, we need to talk," Narcissa says seriously, "I don't know why Severus' shirt was half unbuttoned today, or why Corbin was taking his arm off Severus' shoulder as I walked in, but I'm concerned. You know what Corbin is like, and I want to make sure you're keeping Severus safe."
"I assure you, darling, nothing untowardly is going on. Severus got warm and unbuttoned his shirt for some air. That wine is a little strong for him— I should have given him less," Lucius drawls.
"I hope that's the truth. And remember, he's underweight, has had brain injuries, and doesn't turn 17 until January. Also, his father was an alcoholic, and those things tend to run in families. I really don't think he needs to be drinking at all! Severus really respects you, and you're his legal guardian. It's your duty to keep him safe, especially after what he's been through with his father."
"I am well aware, Narcissa, but you know what useful contacts Corbin and Antonin—"
"You're letting Antonin near him?!"
"Lower your voice! Yes, I'm letting Antonin near him. As I said before, nothing inappropriate is happening."
Narcissa sighs, and says, "Severus is just a boy, and he's already been through enough trauma to last him a lifetime. If you're going to make him spend any amount of time with those two, please at least don't leave him alone with them! You know what they're like."
"I don't leave him alone with Antonin."
"Don't leave him alone with Corbin, either. I don't know how his fiancé puts up with him. I suppose it's for the money. You know Andromeda was expected to marry him. I don't blame her for choosing somebody different."
"You don't blame her for pulling an Eileen Prince and running off with a poor muggle?" Lucius laughs nastily. I feel sick.
"That's not what I said! Of course she was wrong to get pregnant and run off with a filthy muggle, but in Andromeda's situation, I wouldn't have wanted to marry Corbin, either!"
"I understand. He can be a bit much. He's good at what he does, though. Very influential at the ministry, and he's right in the inner circle, too."
"I know he is, but…" Narcissa sighs, "Just promise me you're keeping Severus safe. Please."
"Of course I am! He hasn't died yet!" Lucius laughs. I wrap my arms around my chest and hug myself tight.
"Very funny. You know what I mean!" Narcissa says seriously, "From what I've heard, Antonin enjoys causing pain way too much, and Corbin, well, Corbin's always been a bit scary, hasn't he? I remember he used to try to look up our skirts when our parents would have dinner parties, and that's when we were all kids! And I almost forgot— do you remember Corbin's older brother, Cole?"
"Of course! He was something else!" Lucius laughs.
"I remember one of the last times I saw Eileen, she was talking to Andromeda about how she was expected to marry Cole, but that she was a little afraid of him. Andromeda didn't like Corbin, either, so they had a lot to talk about."
"I had forgotten how close the Blacks and Prince's are! I was surprised Elliot wasn't set up with Andromeda, actually."
"The Yaxleys were getting more powerful, and our families wanted to be closer to them. Anyways, I'm going to go ahead and get ready for bed. Severus said he wants to ask you if he can invite Evan over, but he doesn't think you'll let him because he accidentally broke that glass today. I told him it's happened to all of us, and that I didn't think you would object to Evan coming over just because of a broken glass. It's your call, but I just thought I ought to let you know."
"I'm glad he's friends with Evan. That's a good, old family. Evan's a good influence for Severus. He's got his head on straight."
I blush, remembering how Evan kissed me last year. Suddenly, I remember I'm supposed to be going to get water, and, feeling guilty for eavesdropping, I quietly finish my errand and get back into bed. I don't know how I feel about Lucius lying to Narcissa. I guess he didn't lie that much. It could be a lot worse, and it doesn't happen very often. Just a few times last summer and a couple times this summer. Still, someday I hope I have a chance to at least get back at Dolohov for last summer. I still haven't forgotten what he said and did to me, and how scared I was. But no, I shouldn't think about it. Thinking about it can't help me. It'll just give me bad dreams. I should think about something else. Anything else. I wonder how Lily's parents are doing? Is Lady still alive? I haven't seen them in a couple of years now. I don't think I'll ever have a chance to see them again now that Lily and I aren't friends anymore. Maybe I should write them a letter to let them know I miss them and that I appreciate everything they did for me when I was a kid. No, they probably hate me now for what I said to Lily. A knot in my stomach twists as I imagine Mr. and Mrs. Evans' angry faces. Frustrated, and feeling guilty, I dig in my bedside table for one of the vials of Draught of Dreamless Sleep I made last week. I pop the cap off, and drink it in two gulps. I did a good job making this batch taste a bit fruitier than last time, but it still tastes dry without being able to add anything to sweeten it. As my muscles relax and my eyes start to close, I remember the few times last summer that Lucius gave me dry wine as his friends were all leaving. The dry wines always seemed stronger than the sweet ones. They always seemed to put me to sleep really quickly. I wonder if you can put Draught of Dreamless Sleep into wine? I yawn, and when I open my eyes, it's the next morning. I know I was thinking about something before I fell asleep, but I don't remember what it was. I must have been thinking about asking Lucius if I can invite Evan over! Excited, I jump up, brush my teeth and wash my face, throw on some pants and a shirt, and run downstairs for breakfast.
When I'm done eating, and Lucius is reading his newspaper, I take a deep breath and nervously push my hair behind my ears, "Lucius?" I ask.
He looks over The Daily Prophet, and says, "Yes?"
"I was just wondering if—"
He smiles, and says, "Narcissa told me you wanted to invite Evan over. I don't see why that should be a problem! You only have a couple of weeks left of summer, though, so I'm not sure if he'll be able to. I have to go to the ministry today for work, so I'll just ask his father while I'm there."
"Really? Thank you so much!" I exclaim, "Can I be done now?"
"Take five bites of your porridge, then you can go. You've hardly touched it."
I glance at Narcissa, looking for backup, but she laughs, and says "Eat your food, Severus! If you don't like it, we can have Dobby remake it!"
"No, I like it, I'm just full," I mumble. I don't like it, but I don't want to get Dobby in trouble. And anyways, it's gotten more and more difficult over the years for me to eat around Lucius. I slowly finish my five bites of porridge, and ask, "Can I be done now?"
"Yes. I don't understand why getting you to eat always has to be such an ordeal. How old are you? 16? When I was your age, all I wanted was food. Well, food and other things," he chuckles, and winks at Narcissa, "But here you are still the size of a 12 year old!"
Uncomfortable, I shrug my shoulders.
"Your voice hasn't changed much either."
I shrug again.
"I don't think you've started getting facial hair, have you?"
"Mm mm," I shake my head, "Just peach fuzz."
"Well, if you'd eat, maybe those things would happen."
I shrug again, and stir the rest of my porridge.
Lucius sighs, folds his paper, stands up, and pushes his chair in. I pick up the dishes and bring them to the kitchen sink where Dobby is standing on a tall stool and washing up.
"Master Severus didn't finish his porridge!" Dobby squeaks, "Did Master Severus not like it?"
"No, Dobby, it was great! Sorry I couldn't finish, I just— I just had a stomach ache."
"Does Master Severus want a potion for his stomach ache?"
"No thanks, it's okay. I reckon I just need to drink more water. Anyways, do you want any help with those dishes?" I ask quietly.
"No thank you, Master Severus!" Dobby whispers, "Master Malfoy would think Dobby asked for help, sir, and he would be so angry!"
"I understand. I'm sorry. I don't want you to get in trouble," I whisper back, and leave the kitchen.
While Lucius works in his study, I do some laundry, and Narcissa trims my hair. After she's done, she tells me she has something she wants to show me, and pulls a photo album out from the coffee table. She sits next to me, opens the album up, and flips to a page where I see a familiar face smiling up at me.
"That's your mum," Narcissa says quietly, pointing at the girl in the photos, "and that's me when I was a baby. Our families were close. We were always hanging out with her and Elliot. She and Andromeda used to sing together, and Elliot would play the piano. I think she was around 11 or 12 here."
In the photos, my mum has her long, wavy black hair in ringlets. The top half is held back by a pale pink velvet ribbon. The Eileen in the picture smiles and kisses baby Narcissa's head, while a one year old Bellatrix looks over her shoulder, and a girl who I assume to be Andromeda whispers something into Bellatrix's ear. She giggles, and blows a kiss at the camera. Narcissa flips more pages, and stops at a page where a boy who I assume to be my Uncle Elliot, my mum, Narcissa, and her sisters are posing in a garden. Elliot is standing behind my mum and Andromeda. My mum has toddler Bellatrix on her lap, and Andromeda has toddler Narcissa on hers. They're all wearing very pretty dresses, and their hair is all curled. Toddler Narcissa waves at the camera. Narcissa waits for me to speak. When I don't, she flips some more pages, until she comes to one with a picture of my mum and Andromeda standing by a piano. Elliot is sitting on the piano bench. My mum is holding her arms across her stomach. She looks paler and thinner than she had in the previous pictures, and she has a few pimples on her face.
"I think she must have been 17 here, since I don't have any more pictures with her," Narcissa says quietly, "She had been throwing up, so they had to take the picture quickly."
I look at my mum's stomach. I wonder how far along she was. She smiles up at me, but her smile is hollow. As I look into my mum's eyes, a lump forms in my throat. I swallow, but the lump in my throat doesn't go away, "Thanks, Cissa," I mumble.
Narcissa pats my back, and says, "I'll leave the album here. I'm sure there's more of her in there if you look." She sets the album down on the coffee table, stands up, grabs a book, and sits back down in an armchair. I look through the album for a bit, then, feeling sad, I close it and go to the kitchen. I make myself a sandwich, and eat it as quickly as possible. Then, because I'm still hungry, and because I do want to get taller, I eat some chips, and an apple.
"Master Severus? What is you doing in the kitchen?" Dobby squeaks, "Dobby is about to make lunch! Master Severus is going to ruin his appetite!"
Embarrassed, I say, "I'm sorry, I was just so hungry, and I just—"
"Does Master Severus not like Dobby's cooking? He is never finishing his food, sir!"
"No, Dobby! Your cooking is amazing! I'm just nervous to eat a lot. I was so hungry, so I thought I could eat something small before lunch, then I wouldn't have to eat a lot at lunch with Lucius, but then I kinda just lost control."
"Is Master Malfoy scaring Master Severus?" Dobby whispers.
"A bit," I whisper back, "I just don't want him to not like me anymore, 'cause if he kicks me out, I have nowhere to go. I guess I could live alone at my old house, but I'd have to drop out of school and work at the car factory or be a waiter or something to survive! It's better to be here, even though I'm kinda lonely and I don't like it when Lucius' friends come over. Yaxley and Dolohov are really scary, and I hate that Lucius lets them— well, nevermind," I whisper, embarrassed.
"Master Severus is very brave, sir. Those men shouldn't—" just then, Dobby starts hitting himself over the head, yelling, "Bad Dobby!"
"It's okay!" I say, trying to stop him, "Don't! You'll hurt yourself!"
"But Dobby had to punish himself, sir!" Dobby says, hitting himself one last time.
"You shouldn't—" I start to say, but stop as I hear Lucius' footsteps in the hallway.
"If he's done something wrong, it's only right he should punish himself, Severus, don't mind him," Lucius drawls, striding into the room, "Honestly, I don't know why you care. He's just a house-elf."
I look at the floor, and don't answer.
"I'll be going to the ministry after lunch. I was going to go beforehand, but I want to make sure you eat. I don't trust you to eat on your own. I'll ask Mr. Rosier about Evan coming to visit while I'm there. What are you planning on doing while I'm out?"
"I already did a bunch of laundry, and Narcissa trimmed my hair. I worked on some potions yesterday, so I don't know. I guess I'll take a walk and feed the peacocks or something. And I did eat! I just had something now! I had a sandwich, and an apple, and some chips! See?" I exclaim, showing him the plate with crumbs on it and the apple core.
Lucius frowns, and snarls, "Dobby? Make us lunch. Severus? You're coming with me." He grabs my arm and forces me in front of him, "Walk. We're going to the living room while we wait for lunch to have a chat."
I hold my arms across my stomach as I walk. I don't understand what I did to make him mad.
When we get to the living room, Lucius points sharply to the floor by the fireplace next to his armchair and says, "Sit."
I sit, holding my knees to my chest.
Lucius throws himself angrily into his armchair, and glaring at me, says in his softest, most displeased voice, "If you're going to lie about not being hungry and refuse to eat at mealtimes, then pilfer food from the kitchen on your own, we're going to have some problems. You don't want that, do you?"
I shake my head, looking at the floor.
"I asked you a question, and I expect an answer. You don't want us to have problems, do you?" he snarls.
"No, sir," my voice trembles as I answer.
"I don't have room for dishonesty in my life. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," I whisper, "Please don't be mad at me! I'm sorry!"
Lucius gazes at me for a second, then says slowly, "Why did you eat right before lunch?"
"I got hungry! I was gonna eat at lunch, too!"
"Were you, now?" his lip curls as he sneers at me.
I look back at the floor as Narcissa gets up and starts walking over.
"Well then, I hope you're still hungry for lunch. There's no reason to eat before meals just so you can refuse to eat what's on your plate when we sit down at the table. If you just ate your food at mealtimes, you wouldn't be so hungry in between!"
I look up to respond, but Narcissa puts a hand on Lucius' shoulder and says, "I'm sure Severus will eat his lunch. Like you said at breakfast, when you were 16, all you wanted was food! Isn't it a good thing for him to eat if he's hungry?"
"Yes, but he doesn't get to eat outside of mealtimes if he's not even eating what's on his plate," Lucius says irritably.
"Of course not, dear. Why don't I trim your hair before lunch? Severus can tell us about some of the potions he's working on!" she smiles at me, and says, "Didn't you say you were working on making some of the seventh-year potions stronger?"
I take a deep breath, grateful that she changed the subject, and say yes. Thankfully, Lucius agrees to letting her trim his hair, and they both seem impressed when I tell them about one of the new poisons I'm working on.
Once Dobby sets out lunch, Lucius finishes his food quickly, and before he leaves for the ministry, he asks Narcissa to make sure I finish what's on my plate before leaving the table.
After she agrees, I say, "Are you still gonna ask—"
"Are you still going to ask," Lucius interrupts.
"Are you still going to ask Mr. Rosier if Evan can come over?" I ask quietly, picking at my salad.
"I will ask him, but if I get home to find you still at this table with a plate full of unfinished food, then I will have to rescind the offer. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius," I nod, looking down at my still-full plate, "Please don't be mad at me! I've been good all summer!"
Lucius ignores me, kisses Narcissa, and says, "Have a good rest of your day, darling. I'll be back before dinner."
After he's left, I push my plate away and bury my head in my arms.
Narcissa comes over to give me a brief hug, "It's alright. He just wants to make sure you're eating enough. You know that, right?" she says soothingly, and I'm reminded of my mother making excuses for my father.
I nod.
"And he's had a lot to deal with recently with work and other things."
I take a deep breath and clear my mind and any emotion off my face before saying, "I understand."
Narcissa gently pulls my plate back to me, and says, "Go on. You need to eat. Do you maybe want your Potions textbook to read while you eat?"
Keeping my face emotionless, I nod, and she has Dobby get it for me. After about an hour and a half, I've finished everything, and go to the lab to reorganize my potion vials for the fifth time this summer.
When Lucius gets home, he's in a much better mood. He gives me a long hug, tells me he's proud of me for finishing my lunch, and says that Evan will be coming over on Saturday, then he kisses Narcissa, and tells her that he has good news. When she asks what it is, he says he'll tell her later. Over dinner, Lucius tells me that if I eat at least half of my food, we can play cards. I don't want to make him mad, and I do want to play cards, so I eat half of my food, then put my silverware down. Lucius, who finished ages ago, looks over from his book, smiles at me, ruffles my hair, and tells me I did a good job. As we set out the cards, Lucius sips his wine.
"I think I was remembering something about wine last night before I fell asleep, but I don't remember what it was anymore," I muse.
"Hmm, I wonder what it could have been," Lucius smiles, and picks up his hand of cards, "Maybe which one you like best?"
"Maybe," I shrug.
"Well, there's no point thinking too much about it," he says, putting a hand on my shoulder, "I find that my thoughts and memories don't make much sense before I fall asleep, either."
"I guess," I say, looking at my cards. I've got lots of good ones, but I keep my face emotionless. It wouldn't do to give everything away before being sure of my victory.
On Saturday, I wake up at seven o' clock, quickly brush my teeth and wash my face, throw my hair up and loop the ends under into a messy bun, put on some jeans, a t-shirt, and my dad's old sweater from the factory, and run downstairs to sit by the front windows and wait for Evan.
"Severus? Is that you making that racket?" Lucius calls from the dining room.
I sigh, tear myself away from the window, and traipse into the dining room, "Good morning," I mumble.
Lucius chuckles, and says, "Good morning! You look terrible! I thought I told you I didn't want you wearing that hideous old thing in my house."
"Sorry," I mumble, taking it off.
"I'm not sure why you'd want to be reminded of your father, but to each his own, I suppose. Why don't you go fix your hair and put that away, then you can come downstairs and eat breakfast, alright?"
Begrudgingly, I turn around and walk back upstairs to brush my hair and put on Evan's old turquoise sweater, then I stop back at the front windows briefly before going back to the dining room and sitting down in front of my food. I don't want to eat breakfast! I want to wait for Evan!
"You seem excited!" Lucius says.
"Mm hmm! I haven't seen Evan since we left for the summer!"
"I'm glad you two are such good friends. You know, I'm proud of how far you've come. You're ambitious. You make potions some of my friends have never even seen before, and even though you come from abject poverty, you're friends with important people."
I give him a slight smile, and say, "Thanks! I try."
"And you do a good job. I had a feeling you'd do well when I took you under my wing as a first-year, and now here you are. You've exceeded even my expectations."
I fidget uncomfortably in my seat as I'm reminded of Oliver calling me "Lucius' little project" last summer.
After a minute or so of awkward silence, Lucius asks, "So what are you planning on doing when Evan gets here?"
"We like to play cards. And chess. He's good at chess. We make bets on our games, too!"
"Nice! That sounds like fun. Good morning, darling!" Lucius says as Narcissa enters the dining room, "You look lovely today, like always."
"Thank you, love!" she smiles, and sits down in front of her plate. She has already done her hair and makeup. I wonder how early she has to get up to do all that.
"Good morning!" I chirp.
"Good morning!" she says, "Are you excited to see Evan today?"
"Uh huh! What are you doing today?"
"I'm going to volunteer at St. Mungo's for a few hours, then I'm going to come home and bake something nice. Lucius, what do you think you'd like?"
Lucius puts his coffee and newspaper down, and says, "I'm not sure, perhaps some of the chocolate chip cookies you make so well?"
"That's a good idea! Severus, what do you think you'd like?"
Knowing full well that my opinion won't matter anyways, I pick up my piece of toast, and say, "It doesn't matter to me! I like your cookies, too!"
"Cookies it is, then! If you and Evan aren't busy when I come home, would you like to help me bake?" Narcissa asks.
"Sure!" I like baking with Narcissa. She always lets me try some of the batter or have some of the cookie dough, and she doesn't tell Lucius.
Lucius picks his newspaper up again, and I tear a tiny little piece off my toast to eat. After I've eaten a quarter of my toast, I set it down and start cutting the fruit in my fruit salad into teeny tiny pieces.
At the noise, Lucius looks around his newspaper and sighs, "Are we really doing this today?"
I don't respond.
"I don't have time to sit at this table all day while you cut up your food and refuse to eat. Just put something in your mouth and eat it."
I consider ignoring him and continuing to cut up my food, but I don't want him to get mad at me, so I choose the smallest piece of fruit and put it into my mouth.
"Thank you," Lucius sneers, and goes back to reading his newspaper.
Now that he's not looking anymore, I consider going back to cutting up my food, but he'll hear the knife on the plate and get mad at me, so I pick up my toast and tear off another tiny piece to eat.
"You're doing a good job," Narcissa smiles at me, "Would you like some butter for your toast?"
I shake my head, and mutter, "No thank you. When will you be back to bake with us? Do you want me to set out the ingredients before you get home?"
"Sure! That'd be very helpful. I'll probably be home around one or two o'clock."
"Okay!" I say, and take a sip of my orange juice. If I keep talking, maybe Evan will come before I have a chance to eat my food, then I won't have to finish it, "What are you going to be doing at St. Mungo's today?"
"I'll be reading to the kids in the pediatrics unit!" she responds, and takes a drink of her coffee.
"Oh, cool! Do you get to see Healer Smithwick? She always did my checkups!"
"Yes! I'll say hello to her from you! Do you want to come with me to volunteer next weekend?"
I look at Lucius, and ask, "Can I?"
"You mean, may I," he says from behind his newspaper.
"May I? Please?"
"I don't see why not. I think that would be nice for you! Perhaps you could go to the lab there and help with making the potions for the patients?" he says.
"I can ask when I'm there today if you'd be able to do that! I think that's a great idea!" Narcissa exclaims.
"Thanks! I'd really like that. I'd love to work in the lab there or be a healer someday! St. Mungo's has helped me a lot. It'd be nice to give back to them someday," I say.
"I don't know if you want to work there. You'd be better off working at Slug and Jigger. I know the manager there. You'd be able to make more potions, and experiment more," Lucius says, looking at me from around his newspaper.
"I guess," I mumble, looking down at my plate, "I still would like to keep my options open, though."
Narcissa is looking at Lucius as if she wants to say something, but then she shakes her head and goes back to her food. I finish about half of my food while Lucius is reading his newspaper. When he puts it down and looks at my plate, I put my utensils down and ask, "Can I— may I be done now?"
"I suppose so, but you had better not be thinking of getting anything from the kitchen in between meals if you don't finish your food now," he says.
I shake my head, looking at my plate. I wish he had continued reading his newspaper for a few more minutes. I might have eaten a bit more, but it's okay.
"May I go wait for Evan?" I ask.
"If you'd like."
"I'll bet if he took his plate with him, he might be able to eat some more, Lucius. What do you think?" Narcissa says.
Lucius thinks for a second, then says, "Perhaps. Go ahead and bring your plate, but I don't want you making a mess, do you understand?"
"I'm not a little kid. I'm not gonna make a mess," I mutter, annoyed.
Lucius raises one eyebrow, and says, "Do you understand?"
"Yes, Lucius," I sigh.
"Good. You may go."
I don't respond. I pick up my plate, shove my chair in, and leave the dining room as quickly as possible.
As I leave, I hear Narcissa say quietly, "Dear, don't you think you've been a bit terse with him lately?"
Feeling frustrated, I grab a stool from the kitchen, set it down by the front windows, and sit down to wait for Evan. I don't understand why Lucius always seems to be frustrated with me, or why he never seems to have time for me anymore. I try really hard to make him happy and to be good, but he never seems to want to pay attention to me anymore. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I jump. My plate falls off my lap onto the floor, and I cover my face with my hands. A wand swishes over my head, and the plate is fixed, and the food vanishes.
"What's wrong, Severus?" Lucius asks, bending down next to me and putting his arm around my shoulder.
"I dropped the plate and now you're gonna be mad at me!" I exclaim as my eyes begin to well up, "I try so hard to make you happy, but you're always annoyed and mad at me now! Last summer you used to let me run errands with you all the time, and you let me hang out with you before bed, and and and and… but now you're always mad! I don't understand why you don't like me anymore!"
"I do like you! If I didn't like you, you wouldn't be living here! I'm letting you have a friend over today, I told you you could go to St. Mungo's with Narcissa, I told you I was proud of you this morning…" Lucius' voice trails off as I wipe my eyes with my hands. He waits for me to speak, and when I don't, he continues, "I'm not always mad at you, Severus! I think that since Narcissa's been living here, I had assumed you would be fine with her all day."
"I like hanging out with Narcissa! I just don't understand why you don't wanna hang out with me anymore! What did I do wrong?" I sniff.
Lucius smiles, and says, "I get a bit irritated when you don't do as you're told, and when you take hours to eat your food, and when I see that you've still got those ridiculous earrings in, but you're usually very well-behaved! I've been very busy lately with work and the group I'm part of, so I haven't had much time to spend with you, or even with Narcissa, but I'll make sure to take you on some errands before you go back to school, and maybe tonight you can come hang out with Narcissa and me before bed, alright?"
"Okay. I'm sorry," I mumble.
"It's alright," he says soothingly, and gives me a hug, "You were left alone and neglected so much as a child, so I can see how you might misunderstand some things and overreact. I like you very much, and I know you try very hard to make me happy. Why don't I take you and Evan out to get some ice cream today? Would you like that?"
I hesitate for a second, thinking hard. Maybe he just wants to get me ice cream to make me big so he doesn't have to pay attention to me anymore. But I do like ice cream, and a kid-sized one shouldn't make me too big, so, looking at my knees, I say, "Mm hmm, thank you! I'm sorry I dropped the plate."
"Of course! You deserve a treat," he says, ruffling my hair, "And don't worry about the plate. You were startled. I'll be in the living room. We should go before Narcissa comes back from St. Mungo's so that you can help her bake those cookies!"
"Okay! I'm sorry I was being difficult," I mumble.
"It's alright! Don't worry about it," Lucius smiles, and walks away.
After about 30 minutes, I finally see Evan appear in the courtyard, clutching a boot as his portkey. I open the door and run out into the yard. Laughing, Evan throws the boot down, picks me and swings me around.
"I'm so glad you could come!" I exclaim as he sets me down. I feel a little dizzy, so I hold onto his arm for a second to steady myself.
"Me too!" Evan says, starting to walk to the door.
"Lucius said he'll take us to get ice cream today!"
"Oh, that's nice of him!"
"And we're gonna bake cookies with Narcissa later, too!"
"Okay! What kind of cookies?"
"Chocolate chip!" I exclaim as we walk into the living room.
"Hello, Evan! It's been a while. How have you been?" Lucius drawls from his armchair. He's reading from a letter that looks as if it just arrived.
"Hello! I've been well. What about you?" Evan says.
"I've been well, thank you. Severus, this is from St. Mungo's reminding us of your checkup next week."
"What?" I exclaim, "I didn't know I had a checkup next week! Nobody told me!"
"I'm sure I told you. You must have forgotten."
"What's your checkup for?" Evan asks.
I open my mouth to respond, but Lucius says, "His weight."
"And my head!" I frown, "They wanna make sure—"
"They want to make sure," Lucius interrupts, looking back at the letter.
I take a deep breath, and say, "They want to make sure I'm all healed from my concussion last summer. It was bad, so I had a lot of healing to do."
"Oh, that makes sense. How do you feel? Do you feel like you're pretty much all healed up?" Evan says, sitting on the couch.
"I feel okay," I say, sitting down next to Evan, "Sometimes I still have trouble remembering words for things, but not a lot anymore. It's gotten loads better, so I'm not worried about it."
"You did a good job on your O.W.L's though, so you must be doing pretty well!" Evan smiles at me.
"I thought you could have done better on your Charms O.W.L, but it is what it is, I suppose," Lucius says.
"I studied really hard. I tried my best," I mumble, looking down.
"You got an Acceptable, right? Acceptable's still passing! Especially since that's your hardest subject!" Evan exclaims, "And think on the bright side— you don't have to take Charms anymore now!"
"That's true!" I smile, excitedly imagining a life at school where I don't need to struggle with charms homework everyday anymore.
"I think you should continue with Charms. It's an important subject," Lucius says.
I take a deep breath, and say, "Didn't you drop Herbology and Potions after you took your O.W.L's? Everybody drops a couple of classes they don't need anymore after O.W.L's so they can focus on their advanced classes. I'm dropping Charms and History of Magic, and I'm going to start Alchemy."
"Herbology isn't important. I think you're being unreasonable," Lucius says in his quiet, displeased tone.
"Herbology isn't important if you're going for a Charms mastery. It is important if you're going for a Potions mastery. I'm dropping Charms because it's not important for what I want to study."
"We can talk about this later. You're not thinking straight."
I take a deep breath, reminding myself to stay strong, and say, "No. I'm thinking fine. I don't like Charms class, and I'm not even good at charms to begin with! It's not important for what I want to do with my life, so I'm not going to waste my time with it anymore!"
For a second, I think Lucius is going to stand up and smack me, but he just smiles coldly, and says, "Fine. If you think you know best, then drop Charms. You've always been better at potions than actual spell-work anyways. Evan, what classes are you dropping?"
I am so angry I can feel my hands start to shake. I take a deep breath, clear my mind, and force all emotion off my face.
Evan glances at me awkwardly, and says, "Herbology and Potions, and I'll be starting Advanced Arithmancy. But I'm not going for a mastery, and I've never been very good at making potions. I just want to get good grades in all my advanced classes. I'd rather be a jack-of-all-trades than pursue one subject."
"That's a good idea. I'm sure you'll do well. You've always been a smart boy and made good choices," says Lucius.
After our conversation is over, we go to Diagon Alley to get some ice cream. I get strawberry, Evan gets chocolate, and Lucius gets vanilla. I am still so angry that I barely touch mine, but once we start walking and Evan distracts me with conversation, I'm able to eat it just fine.
When we get home, Evan and I bring a pack of cards and the chess board up to my room, and talk in whispers while we play.
"He shouldn't talk to you like that. We'll be turning 17 this school year! We can make our own decisions about what we want to study!" Evan says, angrily shoving his bishop a few spaces closer to my pawn.
"I know," I sigh, ignoring his bishop and moving my knight.
"And he shouldn't be rude about your spell-casting! You're super powerful! You've even made some of your own spells!"
"Yeah, but he doesn't know that."
"Why haven't you told him?" Evan exclaims, shocked.
"Keep your voice down! He doesn't need to know," I mutter.
"Why, though?"
"He likes me better like this."
"But he's so controlling! Don't you think he'd be less controlling if he knew you were good at other things besides potions?" Evan says, and moves his queen to challenge my knight.
I move a pawn up to defend my knight and challenge his bishop, and say, "I don't know. I don't want to find out." After a couple of minutes of deliberation, I ask, "If I tell you a secret, will you promise you won't tell anybody?"
Evan hesitates, moves his castle to defend his bishop, then nods.
"I've done a bad thing."
"What do you mean?"
"Something I can't tell anybody about."
"What did you do?" he asks tentatively.
I'm quiet for a second, then say, "My parents didn't die of alcohol poisoning."
Evan frowns, and I'm afraid he's going to get up and leave, then he takes a deep breath, and says, "You have done a bad thing."
I grab his hand, in case he's thinking of grabbing his wand, and exclaim, "Listen! I didn't think I had any other choice! My dad beat me almost to death, and my mum didn't care! She came and visited me once in the hospital for like, five minutes, got mad and slapped me, then went home to make supper for my dad! I didn't want to keep going home and getting beat! I was scared that if I had to go home again, the next time he beat me I would die! I figured that if he was gonna get sober, then he wouldn't drink it, but if he wasn't, then he would, but I didn't know—"
"Drink what?" he asks, still frowning.
I shake my head, and look at the chess board.
"Drink what, Severus?" he asks again, voice lower and quieter.
"The vodka I poisoned," I whisper.
Evan takes another deep breath, and looks away, then says, "I understand why you thought you had to do that, but it wasn't the right thing to do. I'm sure my mum and dad would have let you stay with us over the summers, and I know Lucius would have taken you in if you had asked."
I shake my head, and, brushing the hair out of my face, I say, "He only got me over the holidays. He's busy over the summers. The only time I lived here over the summer was last year when I got out of the hospital."
"Thank you for telling me," he murmurs.
"I just… I just didn't want you to think I'm something I'm not. You're my best friend now, so you deserve to know," I mumble, "Am I a bad person?"
Evan is quiet for a minute, then takes my knight with the castle that wasn't defending his bishop, saying, "No, I don't think so. I don't think you made the right choice, but I don't think you're a bad person. You did what you thought you had to do. Do you regret it?"
I nod, "My mum said he was up for a promotion, and that she really thought he was gonna get it that time! So I don't know if he got it and they were celebrating, or if they were both just drinking! My dad was always getting sober, then going back to drinking. He took better care of me than my mum did when he was sober, though my mum didn't take care of me at all. At least my dad noticed when my hair was getting too long, and that there wasn't any food for me to eat when he was sober. He used to play cards with me, and take me fishing sometimes, and we hunted for morels together before he lost his job at the steel mill."
"But that was only when he was sober."
"Mm hmm."
"Well, if he was always going back to drinking, and if he was threatening your life, and your mum was sticking up for him, and you didn't see any other options, then I understand why you did what you did. You were afraid and desperate."
I nod again.
"Well, so long as you don't poison me, then I'm not worried," he says with a forced smile.
"No. You make me feel safe," I mumble, "I would never hurt you."
"Thank you. I'm glad you confided in me. I'll keep your secret. I promise."
I give him a small smile, and say, "Thanks, Evan."
He gives me a short hug, and says, "I'm hungry. Do you want to grab a snack? We can eat while we finish playing."
"I didn't finish my breakfast this morning, so I'm not allowed to have a snack. We'll have to wait for lunch," I mumble.
Evan laughs, then, realizing I'm not joking, he says incredulously, "That's absurd!"
I shrug, "We had ice cream an hour ago, but it's getting close to noon. If you're hungry, we can probably just get lunch."
"Alright, but I think that rule is stupid. If you're hungry, you should be allowed to eat. Everybody knows you have trouble eating at the table with other people!"
I shrug, stand up, and say, "You coming?"
"Yeah, I guess," Evan sighs, and we go downstairs for lunch. It's easier for me to eat now that Evan's here, but I still feel nervous, especially since I stood up for myself and made Lucius mad earlier. He seems to have either forgotten about it, or is just saving telling me off till after Evan goes home.
When Narcissa gets home, we help her bake, and once we're done with dinner, it's time for Evan to go home. We go out to the courtyard, and he gives me a long hug before picking up the port-key.
"Write to me to tell me how your appointment goes, okay?" he says.
"Okay," I say, already feeling sad now that he's leaving.
"Only a couple weeks, and we'll be going back to school! Will you be watching quidditch tryouts?"
"Yeah! You're gonna be a great captain. I'm sure you'll pick an amazing team."
"Thanks! Sev?" he asks, putting a hand on my arm.
"Yeah?"
"You're not a bad person, even though you've done a bad thing. Okay?"
The port-key starts to shudder, and I let go of Evan. I look into his hazel eyes, but I don't know what to say.
"I— never mind," he murmurs, then, as the port-key glows, he says, "See you in a couple weeks!"
I open my mouth to respond, but Evan has already vanished. I stand in the courtyard for a few minutes just looking at the spot where Evan was. Finally, a peacock walks up to me, expecting to be fed, and I'm snapped out of my daze. I sigh, and walk back inside.
When the day comes for my checkup, Healer Smithwick says my head is looking much better, and that I don't need to come back for another checkup next year, unless something happens to it again. She isn't so happy about my weight, though. I'm 5 foot 3, and weigh 90 pounds. Now that I'm old enough that a parent or guardian is no longer required to be in the room with me, I find it easier to talk to Healer Smithwick about my weight.
"Lambie, you are only four pounds heavier than when you left with Mr. Malfoy last summer after promising to eat, and you're taller now than you were then. I know Mr. Malfoy has food for you to eat, and I know Hogwarts feeds you well. You're thin enough I could admit you right now, but I want to hear what you have to say first. What's going on?" she asks quietly.
"My stomach hurts when I eat," I lie.
"Honey, there's nothing wrong with your stomach. Madame Pomfrey ruled that out last September. What's really going on?"
I kick my feet while I think about my answer. She waits for me to speak. Finally, I mumble, "I'm nervous to eat a lot, especially at the manor."
"Is there a place that doesn't make you nervous?"
"I don't feel as nervous at school when I'm with my friends."
"That's good! What do your friends do that makes it so that you aren't nervous?"
"They don't pressure me to eat. Evan will remind me to eat if I haven't eaten anything, and he always helps me calm down if I'm nervous, but he doesn't sit there and pick at me."
"I'm glad you have friends at school. Do you remember how lonely you used to be, and how you worried you were that you wouldn't make friends at school? I told you you'd make friends there, didn't I?" Healer Smithwick smiles, then asks, "I noticed you said that your friends don't pressure you to eat. What does it look like when you're pressured to eat more than you want?"
"He— I'm told I can't leave the table till I've eaten at least half of my food, or all of my food, or have taken a certain number of bites of food, and I can't eat in between meals if I don't finish everything on my plate. And if I take too long cutting up my food or eating, he gets frustrated with me," I say.
"How does that make you feel?"
I think about it for a second, then say, "Nervous and angry. I don't want him to be mad at me, but I also don't need to always be told what to do!"
Healer Smithwick smiles, and says, "Of course not, lambie! You're almost an adult, after all! You're right that you don't always need to be told what to do. When I was a teenager, I was always angry with my mum because she was always telling me what to do, but now I realize she was just looking out for me. She wanted to make sure I was safe, healthy, and making good choices. Is there anybody at Malfoy Manor who doesn't make you feel nervous when you're eating?"
"Narcissa. She lets me eat what I want, and she lets me bake with her, too."
"That's good! She's lovely— always says hello to me when she's here, and all the children here like her," she smiles, "Try to have meals with her when you can, alright? And I know it's hard, but try not to get frustrated when people ask you to eat. They just want you to be healthy."
I nod. She doesn't understand, but it's alright. Everything is fine.
For a few seconds, neither of us speaks, then she says, "So? How's your friend Lily? If I remember correctly, last summer you said she was thinking of quitting Potion's Club so that she could focus more on other subjects?"
"We're not friends anymore, and yeah, she did quit. She stopped coming after O.W.L's," I say, looking across the room at a poster on the wall advertising exercise and healthy eating.
"Oh, sweetie! What happened? You two were so close! Healer Moloney and I even had a bet to see which one of you would ask the other out one day!"
"I guess we sort of grew apart. She did some things I didn't like, and I said some things I shouldn't have said. And we were only ever just friends. At least, I only ever saw her as a friend."
"I'm so sorry to hear that! She was such a sweet girl! I always thought she liked you a little more than just as a friend, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be. You'll find somebody you like, don't worry!" she consoles.
"I guess," I say with a small smile, trying to look as though she made me feel better, "Am I good to go?"
Healer Smithwick sighs, and says, "I suppose so. Try to eat with Narcissa when you can, and make sure you eat when you get to school. You are almost 17 years old. You've got to start making healthier choices for yourself. Do you understand?"
"Yes, ma'am. Please don't tell Lucius how bad my weight is."
Healer Smithwick pauses, then nods, and says, "Alright, I won't tell him, but you need to make sure you eat. I don't want to see you back here for organ failure or because your heart's decided to stop beating. Next time I see you back here it had better be because you've got a job in the lab or because you're coming to say hello!"
I smile, and nod my head. We leave the room and head out to the lobby.
As we walk up, Lucius looks up from his paper, and asks, "How's he doing? Everything look alright?"
"Yes, sir! His head's looking fine!" Healer Smithwick smiles.
"And his weight?"
"He could stand to put on a few pounds."
"He's awfully bony. Are you sure he just needs to gain a few pounds?" Lucius frowns.
Healer Smithwick glances at me, and says, "He definitely has some weight to gain, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think worrying about it has him feeling a bit nervous, and I've found it's easier for patients to eat when they don't feel pressured to eat more than they're able to. For example, his stomach is pretty small since he's not used to eating big portions, so snacking in between meals would be a good idea."
Lucius smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes, "Of course," he says.
When we get back to the manor, Lucius has me set up the chess board. About halfway through our game, he says, "I don't care what Healer Smithwick says, you're not eating between meals unless you finish your food. I'm not going to let you fill up on snacks so that you can take three bites of your food and say you're full."
I don't respond. I guess I'm just not going to eat at the manor. At least I'll be going back to school soon. Evan and I started making each other's plates up before we left for summer break, since he noticed I was never taking enough food, so maybe we'll be able to do that again when we get back to school. I don't want to die of organ failure, and I don't want my heart to stop beating, and I want to grow, but not too much. I don't want to get big, then nobody will pay attention to me anymore. And anyways, I feel like how much I eat is the only thing I have control over in my life now. It's funny, really. I used to never have control over how much I ate, since there was never any food at home. I used to eat second helpings whenever I could because I was always starving. I used to steal food from the Great Hall to bring home. I wish I could be like that still, but I guess this is just how it is now. I have a lot I should be grateful for, and I can eat when I get to school.
On the day of Slytherin quidditch team tryouts, we all wake up early. Evan is Keeper and team captain. Joseph is trying out again, so John, Clarence, and I all go out to the stands to watch and support our friends. I always really enjoy watching Evan play— he's so good at everything he does! Tryouts seem to go well, as far as I can tell, but there's one girl that always stands right next to Evan any time she can whenever they all land.
Irked, I nudge Clarence and ask him, "Hey, isn't that girl with the two braids Katherine Greengrass?"
"Yeah! She's a fourth-year. We've hung out a few times when our parents have had dinner parties. She and Evan are expected to get together."
"What?!" I exclaim, voice cracking.
John snickers, "You two talking about Greengrass? She's something else!"
"Yeah," I say with a weak smile, "she's a good flyer!" The smile melts off my face as she makes a goal and Evan shoots her a smile. The flyers land, and Greengrass lands right next to Evan, and I ask Clarence, "Who're you s'posed to end up with?"
"Elizabeth Fawley, but she's a first-year, so I still have some time to mess around," Clarence murmurs as Evan dismisses a few of the younger students, "I'll hang out with her and get to know her this year, but I'm not asking a first-year out. That'd be so gross."
"Yeah, that'd be weird," I say, thinking of how Yaxley and Dolohov always want to spend time with me over the summer at the manor. But I'm a boy, so it's different, I guess. And I'm sure they're not actually attracted to me. Yaxley's even engaged!
"I'm surprised Evan's never made an attempt to hang out with Katherine, to be honest. I'd think he'd want to get to know her since he's supposed to get married to her, you know? And she's old enough he could definitely ask her out, though his family's pretty religious, so maybe he's waiting till they're both out of school," Clarence muses.
"I dunno, maybe. Still, it's a bit weird. Maybe he likes somebody else! Has he ever told you, Severus?" John asks me.
"Mm mm," I shake my head. Evan never told me he was expected to marry Katherine Greengrass.
"What about you? You like anybody?" Clarence asks me.
"I dunno, I've just been focused on studying. Last year was a little rough for me, so I'm trying to make this year good," I murmur, still watching Evan.
"Yeah, that's true. But you still always got good grades last year! Why not loosen up a bit? I'm sure there are plenty of girls who want a short, skinny guy like you!" Clarence laughs, "What about Sarah Moore? She's tiny, too!"
"Yeah, I think she's even shorter than you are, Severus!" John says.
Thinking of what Potter did to me after O.W.L's last school year, I shake my head, "Nobody would want to go out with me."
"If you say so," Clarence shrugs, then turns to John. While they talk about girls they fancy, girls they've gone out with, and girls they've kissed, I lose myself in thought, watching tryouts and wondering if Evan ever really thought I was perfect, or if he was just curious and wanted to know if I would kiss him back. He was probably just horny and wanted to mess around. I'm just a poor, ugly half-blood, anyways. Nobody could really love me. I guess being useful is all I'm good for, but it's alright. Everything is fine.
When tryouts are over, we go down to greet Evan and Joseph and walk back to the castle. When Evan sees me, he runs up and hugs me tight. I pull away quickly, hugging myself and looking down.
"I'm so glad you all could make it! I was nervous, but I think I've got a good team. I just need to talk to Joseph tonight, then I think I can finalize my picks for the team!" he grins, looking at Clarence, John, and me.
"Good!" exclaims John "It looked like you were pretty thorough, so I'm sure you'll put together a good team."
Clarence grins, nudges Evan, and whispers, "So? What do you think about Katherine? She seemed very interested in being close to you!"
Evan runs his hand through his hair, glances at me, and starts walking, saying, "She's a good chaser, that's for sure! I know I should be getting to know her more, but I've just been busy, you know?"
Joseph laughs, "Well, she certainly wants to get to know you! She was following you around like a lost puppy!"
Evan lets out a hollow laugh, "I suppose so! I must have just been too focused on tryouts to notice!"
John and Clarence exchange quick looks behind Evan's back.
Evan ruffles my hair as we walk, and murmurs, "You cold?"
I nod, still looking at the ground.
Evan takes his Keeper's helmet off and plops it onto my head.
"Get that off me!" I exclaim angrily.
Evan pulls the helmet back off my head and puts it under his right arm, "Merlin, what's gotten into you? Have Potter and Black been messing with you again?"
I just shrug, shove my hands into my pockets, and fall back to walk with Clarence and John.
Later that night, after we've eaten supper and settled down in our dorm, we gather around Joseph's bed, facing Evan. I sit on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. Joseph and Clarence sit on the bed, and John sits on Joseph's trunk. After talking for a while about Evan's choices for the team, Evan is confident about who he's chosen, and writes down their names and positions to post on the notice board in the common room. When he gets up to go to the common room, he looks expectantly at me, and when I don't make any move to get up, he leaves.
A few days later, as we're on our way back to the common room after serving a detention for fighting with Potter and Black, Evan asks me to step into the old, abandoned classroom next to the lab with him. When we get inside, Evan locks the door, and casts a silencing charm over the room.
"Is everything okay?" I ask, suddenly nervous. I'm cold, and beginning to shiver, "Why did you bring me here?"
"You've been acting differently since tryouts. What's going on? Why are you mad at me? You've hardly been talking to me at all!"
"It doesn't matter," I mumble.
Evan's silent for a minute, then says quietly, "Is it because of Katherine?"
"Why didn't you tell me you were supposed to marry her?" I ask sadly.
"I didn't want to think about it," he mumbles, "I know I'm expected to marry her someday, but I haven't wanted to think about it yet."
"Oh yeah? Then why did you kiss me last year if you've got a girl you're s'posed to marry?!" My voice is getting louder, but I don't care, "Why did you hold me every night after Lucius' wedding, like we were some sort of couple?! Why did you say you thought I was perfect?! Just to fuck with me?! Was I just practice for when you get together with her?!"
"No! I— I just— ," Evan splutters, running a hand through his hair and looking awkwardly at the old blackboard.
"Did you just wanna experiment, and I was convenient?!" I yell, "I'M NOT A WHORE!" I'm surprised to find that my eyes are blurring from tears. I wipe my eyes angrily, and walk to the door.
Evan grabs my wrist, and pulls me back, exclaiming, "Listen, Sev! Don't go! I can explain!"
"Fine," I snarl, yanking my wrist out of his grasp,"but it'd better be a good explanation."
"First of all, I know you're not a whore. I don't know why you would say that. Second of all, I thought it would have been obvious to you. I like you! How could you not know that?!"
"'Cause you're s'posed to get married to Greengrass!"
"I know I'm supposed to, but I don't want to! I want to be with you!" Evan pleads, and for the first time, he looks desperate, "And I'm scared of how I feel! Everybody says it's wrong, and disgusting to feel like this, and my parents are always saying how men who are like this are going to hell, and how they deserve to get sick and die, and I'm scared!"
I take a deep breath, and wrap my arms around him, squeezing him tight, "Thank you for telling me how you feel."
"Do you think I'm disgusting for feeling this way?" Evan chokes.
I shake my head, and gathering up all my courage, I pull his head down and kiss him, "Does that answer your question?" I say quietly.
Evan looks as if Christmas has come early, and in response, he tangles his fingers in my hair and kisses me back.
When we finally break apart, I say, "Nobody can know."
"I know," Evan murmurs, stroking my cheek.
I lean my head on his chest, and ask, "What if they find out?"
"Who? Potter and Black?" Evan asks quietly.
I nod, "I don't need to give them another reason to pick on me."
"Nobody's going to know," Evan says, wrapping me back up in his arms and rubbing my back, "I wish the professors would do something to stop them. I'm still angry at what happened after O.W.L's. I should have been there to protect you."
"I don't need protection, they just caught me off guard is all," I mutter.
"But still, I should've been there. As soon as we got done with our tests, we all grouped back up and noticed you were missing, so we started looking for you, but we were too late."
I shake my head, "No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have gone off on my own. They only pick on me like that when I'm alone and when it's the two of them together."
"And then when you fight back and hurt one of them, you're the bad guy."
I nod.
Evan's arms tighten around me.
"And the professors say the magic I use is bad, but then Potter and Black use my own spells against me, and that's okay! I hate it, Evan! I don't understand why everybody always takes their side!"
"I know. I don't understand either," Evan murmurs, and lets go of me, "But it's not all bad, right? I'm here for you!"
I smile, and say, "I know."
Evan gives me a kiss, and grins, "You sure you don't want to do more than just kiss tonight?"
"We shouldn't. We should wait."
"I understand. I'll wait for you, Sev. It makes me feel better knowing you feel the same way, though." Evan opens the door to the hallway, but suddenly stops and puts a hand over my mouth as we go to step out. Out of my right ear, I can hear footsteps, as if somebody is trying to steady themselves. We stand like that for a minute, then, hearing nothing else, we close the door and tiptoe back to the common room.
When we get inside, I whisper, "What was that? It sounded like another student!"
"I don't know, but it was weird. It sounded like it was close to us, but I didn't see anything!"
"Maybe a ghost? But they don't make any noise! It definitely wasn't a cat or anything like that!"
"I don't know," Evan frowns, "And honestly, I don't want to find out. Let's just go to bed."
I agree, and we head back to our dorm. I just can't brush off the feeling that the person behind the footsteps we heard was Potter. I can't imagine anybody else who would be lurking around trying to snoop on me, but how could it be? We didn't see anybody there! Maybe he followed us from our detention? Then Black was probably there, too! But how could it be them? We didn't see anything! Maybe one of these days I'll catch them at it, but even if I did, nobody would listen to me. It's better to just keep my eyes and ears open and watch my back. Potter's already taken away my first and best friend, I don't need him to ruin Hogwarts for me any more than he already has.
We quickly change and get ready for bed, but once the lights are off and I'm in bed, I have a hard time falling asleep. I want to fall asleep with Evan's arms around me again. Those few nights after Lucius' wedding were so nice— like a good dream. I miss taking a nice, warm shower, putting on my sweatpants and one of Evan's sweaters, and getting into his bed at night. I miss letting him wrap me up in his arms and hold me all night. Even though it was only for a few days, it was nice not having to go to sleep alone. Maybe someday we'll be able to fall asleep like that again. Maybe we can spend Easter break here again, then we'll have lots of time together! I turn around in my bed to look at Evan. He's lying on his back looking at the ceiling. I wish I could go to him, and I silently berate myself for ever believing that none of it meant anything.