October 1st, 1977
This past summer wasn't too bad. Dolohov only came over once. According to him, he was out of town on business. I'm grateful to whatever business he was on that kept him away from me. Yaxley was pretty busy as well, thankfully. Apparently him and his fiancé were busy planning their wedding. Somehow, though, he still managed to find time to come spend time at the manor occasionally when Narcissa was out. I lost more weight over the summer, but I got to spend the week before school at Evan's house, and the Rosier's took us to the station, so I gained a bit back then. Madame Pomfrey said my weight wasn't low enough at the beginning of the year to be sent to St. Mungo's, but she did remind me that if my weight dips too low, she won't hesitate to admit me. At this point, I don't really believe her anymore. I don't even think she has the legal authority to admit me, since, in the wizarding world, I'm technically an adult by age now. Lucius' temporary guardianship expired when I turned 17, so I don't think anybody really has the power to admit me anymore except me. I don't know for certain, though. Lucius probably could if he really wanted to, but I know he never would. It would tarnish his reputation for me to be admitted to St. Mungo's for refusing to eat.
It is a beautiful autumn Monday as I walk out of Herbology class. None of my other friends decided to continue with Herbology this year, so the only other Slytherin in class is Morgan. She's friendly, and we always partner up for projects. We don't really hang out outside of class, but we have a good time in class. Once, when somebody from the ministry came to take pictures for an article they were writing about Hogwarts for the Daily Prophet, Morgan and I were working with some sick mandrakes. When the photographer asked to take our picture, Morgan cradled the screaming mandrake in her arms like it was her baby, and I put my arm around her shoulder as if I was the dad. They ended up using the picture in the article! It was so funny that John cut it out and put it up on the Slytherin common room notice board with a note reading, "Congratulations to Severus and Morgan— new parents to the world's most beautiful baby!" I'm pretty sure the picture is still up, and I hope it stays that way after we graduate.
Instead of going straight back to the castle, I set out for the Forbidden Forest. I like to sit on the very outskirts of the forest after Herbology every other day to study and enjoy the weather alone. Sometimes I see a large black dog that looks like Hagrid's old dog Monster looked before he passed away and a young buck running a little ways into the forest. I always like it when they're there. It seems odd to me that the buck doesn't seem to be afraid of the dog, though I guess it is about to be mating season. Maybe he's trying to chase the dog off? Maybe he's just extra brave. Or extra stupid. But I haven't seen any does around. Maybe they're hiding? It's a weird feeling, but it almost seems as if the buck and the dog are playing. When I reach my spot, I'm snapped out of my thoughts as Potter steps in front of me, seemingly out of nowhere.
"Snivellous— have you seen who's at the castle today? It's your sugar daddy! Who do you think he's here to see?" he uses about the same tone of voice and expression as a patronizing adult telling their toddler that they can have a piece of candy if they finish their vegetables.
"Lucius is not my sugar daddy!" I growl, reaching for my wand. Before I can grab it, however, my arm is twisted behind my back by Black. He presses my thumb ring into my skin painfully, and I let out an involuntary whimper of pain as I feel the tail of the snake break my skin.
"Sirius, you don't want to get in trouble," says Lupin tiredly.
"We won't get in trouble! Nobody cares about him, do they? And besides, we just want to have a chat with old Snivelly here, don't we, James?" Black laughs as he grabs my wand from my pocket, jerks me around, and throws me forcefully to the ground. I feel the wind from the swish of his wand, and I am paralyzed.
"Sirius!" says Lupin a little more sharply, but doesn't do anything to stop his friends. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Pettigrew standing behind Lupin. I didn't see them when I was walking over, so I'm not sure where they all came from. Were they waiting in the woods? That can't be it— I would have at least seen the outlines of their bodies against the trees!
"So, Snape, why's your sugar daddy here today?" Potter says gleefully, squatting down by my head. Black removes the spell and puts his foot on my back, pushing me into the ground.
"How should I know?" I growl, fighting against Black, "And I already told you, Lucius isn't my sugar daddy. He's just a friend!"
"Sirius, let him up!" Lupin exclaims, "He doesn't even have his wand!"
"Merlin's Beard, Moony! Fine! I was just messing with him, anyways!" Black grumbles as he takes his foot off my back.
"May I, your highness?" I sneer at Black before sitting up.
"You go right ahead!" he sneers back at me from above, looking extremely pleased with himself. I sit up and pull my knees to my chest. I don't even bother standing up.
"I didn't say anything about Malfoy!" Potter laughs. Suddenly, my face feels hot, "But it's pretty obvious even to you, isn't it? So if your sugar daddy didn't give you all the nice stuff you have, who did? Last I checked, you were just poor trash from Cokeworth!" says Potter, still squatting down.
"Fuck you," I snarl, "Yeah, Lucius gave me a lot of the stuff I have, but that doesn't make him my sugar daddy. He's just a good friend."
Potter rolls his eyes at me and points to my thumb, "I don't know of any 'good friends' who give their friends fancy snake rings, clothes, shoes, and whatever else Malfoy gives you. Or did I miss a memo somewhere? Peter? Did I miss something?" he calls out to Pettigrew.
"Nope!" Pettigrew laughs.
"Look, what does it matter to you? Lucius gives me nice stuff. So what? Why do you care?" I sigh dejectedly. If Lucius really is here, I want to go back to the castle to see him.
"What I want to know is why he still keeps you around. He's got a wife, right? And I'm pretty sure that nobody is into sneaky, skinny, nasty little gremlins like you. But again, maybe I missed a memo somewhere!"
"When have I ever expressed a desire to disclose information about my personal life to you?" I sneer, ignoring the jab at my appearance.
"Is it potions? Are you making potions for him? What do you provide that he can't already get? 'Cause if you're selling potions without a license like Lily said, that's illegal, buddy," says Black, squatting down next to Potter, "and you better believe we'll get you for it."
"I'm not selling anything— she doesn't know what she's talking about. She probably misheard something. If you're trying to get dirt on me, you won't find any. My slate's clean, unlike some people," I grumble, rubbing my back and feeling a surge of anger at Lily for telling them about my potions. That was two years ago! "I mean, sure I make him potions sometimes, but nothing he couldn't get from Slug & Jigger or St. Mungo's."
"Do you suck his dick while you're at it?" Black sneers, "What about his friends? Lily said you used to polish their brooms before quidditch games!"
All of a sudden, a vague, hazy memory of a strong hand tangling in my hair and shoving my face into the floor floods my brain. As soon as it appears, a fog seems to cover it, and then it is gone again. I try to grasp at the memory as it fades away, but suddenly I can't remember what I'm trying to remember anymore. Then my skin crawls as I remember the feeling of Dolohov and Yaxley's calloused hands caressing and groping at my bare skin. Shaken, I reply, "I'm not a whore, and I'm not like that, anyways. Neither is Lucius. He's got a wife. You shouldn't say things like that."
"I don't know, James, he's sketchy as hell," Black says to Potter. I glare at Lupin and hug my knees to my chest. He looks away.
"We don't have any proof that he's selling anything illegally, Sirius. I wish we did, though. I know he's doing it, he's just sneaky," Potter grumbles.
"Well, I guess watch your back for now, Snivellous," Black smiles nastily and shoves me over again. As they walk away towards the other side of the forest, Black tosses my wand into the grass.
Once his friends are a few paces away, Lupin whispers, "I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter, just go," I sigh, picking myself up, finding my wand, and dusting the leaves off my robes, "There's no footprint, is there?"
"No, there isn't,"
"Fantastic," I mumble.
"Thank you for keeping my secret," he whispers, looking away.
Suddenly remembering our conversation in St. Mungo's that one summer, I ask, "You thought I was like you, didn't you?"
"What are you talking about?" he asks, perplexed.
"At St. Mungo's the other summer! And I thought you were like me!"
Lupin's lips curl slightly, and he says, "Ah, I forgot. You're not wrong, there. Anyways, I'm sorry I can't do more with Sirius and James," he says, motioning towards them. They're standing at the edge of the forest, looking back at us.
"No, I understand. You don't wanna lose your friends. And besides, I shouldn't be wandering around alone anyways. It's my own fault," I mumble, feeling awkward, "I gotta go."
"See you around, Severus."
Turning my back on Lupin, I trudge back to the castle, mind lost in thought. I faintly remember trying to grasp at a fading memory a few minutes ago, but I can't for the life of me remember what memory it was that I was trying to hold onto. I shrug, and roll my head as if trying to shake away a bad feeling. Even if I could remember what it was, it probably wouldn't matter anyways.
When I finally make it back to the common room, Lucius is sitting in his old chair by the fire reading the Daily Prophet.
Smiling, I slowly sneak up behind him, then leaning over around the back of his armchair, I cover his eyes lightly with my fingers, "Boo!" I say playfully.
"Severus!" he laughs, prying my fingers away from his eyes "I was hoping to surprise you! I brought you some coffee! It's got chocolate in it, so it's sweet!"
"Thanks! I definitely need some tonight— I'm so tired!" I feel eyes on my back, and quickly glance around. Evan is sitting at a table on the other end of the common room staring at me. I smile at him. He shoots me a terse smile back, then looks back down at his book.
"I figured you'd need some extra fuel to study! Your exams will be coming up soon, correct?"
"Mm hmm, yeah! But not for another month. Still, I've been studying hard because I want to make sure I remember everything!"
"Good! You're so clever, Severus," he smiles at me and pulls me down to give me a tight hug. I feel my spine crack in the spot Black's foot was on, "Merlin! Have you been hunching your back? That was a big crack!"
"No, I've been trying to stand up straight like you said, but I suppose my back is just stiff from sleeping funny last night," I lie, sitting down on the floor right in front of his chair.
Lucius hands me my coffee, and says, "Well, anyways, tomorrow is Saturday, so I figured, since I was already out on business today, that I would take you out for dinner tonight to the Three Broomsticks. And besides, I have things I want to discuss with you."
"Okay!" I smile, and take a sip of my coffee, "Thank you for the coffee! It's great! It's not bitter at all!"
"I'm glad you like it. You don't like bitter things, do you?" he smirks.
"Mm mm," I shake my head, "What did you want to discuss?"
Lucius gently pushes a loose strand of hair behind my ear, and chuckles, "Oh, this and that."
Evan roughly throws his books into his bag and stalks over to the dormitory. I wonder what's got him in a bad mood. I'll have to ask him when I get back.
I finish my coffee as we walk through the school to get to Hogsmeade. As we ascend the staircases, I see Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew descending the stairs on the opposite side of the room. I bet they're snooping around trying to dig up dirt on me. I smile to myself, knowing that they'll never find anything out about my poisons. At least they won't if they're just looking around Hogwarts.
At the Three Broomsticks, I get chicken tenders and fries. I pick at my food, but I happily drink the Butterbeer Lucius gets me. Lucius asks me all sorts of questions about my classes, my friends, the professors, and the school. I tell him that I'm excited to graduate next semester, but that I'm a little nervous about life after school. He rubs my back and tells me not to worry about it, and that we can talk about that when the time is right.
I want to ask what he means, but instead, I ask him about his life, "So how has work been for you?"
"It's been steady. There's a lot going on in the world these days. Narcissa has been busy as well. She's been working hard volunteering at St. Mungo's. It's important to keep up appearances, right, Severus?"
"Mm hmm!"
"How has studying for your potions mastery been going?"
"It's been a lot of extra work and studying, and it's hard on my wrists," I sigh, and sip my Butterbeer. I'm so tired. Sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up again.
"You'll manage," Lucius says, "You know," he murmurs, picking up one of the chicken tenders I haven't finished yet and handing it to me, "Narcissa had another miscarriage a couple of weeks ago."
"Oh no! Lucius, I'm so sorry! That's terrible! Nobody told me she was pregnant again!" I say, putting the chicken tender back down.
He throws his long, platinum hair over his shoulder and picks the chicken tender back up. He hands it to me again, saying, "She wasn't very far along, so we hadn't announced it yet. Eat your food, Severus."
"It's still sad, though," I say, taking the chicken tender from him begrudgingly, "Do you think it would make her feel better if I wrote her a letter, or no?"
"I suppose so. She was really heartbroken," he says, then seeing me picking the breading off the chicken tender, he sighs, and exclaims, "Just put the food in your mouth and eat it, Severus. You're infuriating!"
"Fine! I'm eating! See?" I say, peeling a tiny piece of chicken off my chicken tender and putting it in my mouth.
"You're going to finish that before we go back."
"Fine!" I exclaim. He raises one eyebrow at me, and I lower my eyes to my plate and murmur, "Sorry."
When we're done at the Three Broomsticks, we walk around Hogsmeade for a while. Lucius is frustrated with how long it's taking for Narcissa to get and stay pregnant. He says the healers at St. Mungo's even tested him last time they were there to make sure he had enough sperm, and that they were all healthy. As he explains this, his ears turn red.
"I'm sure everything was fine, right?" I ask.
"They gave me some things to do that might be able to help," he whispers, looking at the trees in the distance.
"Well, that's good, right?" I ask, and hesitantly pat him on the back, "That means there's hope!"
"True, I just didn't think it could be related to anything I've been doing! I mean, pregnancy is a woman's condition, isn't it?" he frowns.
I shrug, and say, "I guess."
"It just shouldn't be this hard for people who want a baby to conceive when people like your parents did it on accident!"
"I know. But it'll be okay! Someday it'll all work out!" I say, "I bet your baby is going to be perfect. Do you want a boy, or a girl?"
He gives me a short smile, and says, "I'd like a boy to carry on the Malfoy name, but Narcissa wants a girl so that she can do her hair and dress her in pretty clothes."
I frown into the window of Zonko's Joke Shop, and say, "That's what my mum always used to say. She was always saying she wished I had been a girl because girls are so much more fun than boys. My dad wanted a boy, but he always said I was too little and weak."
"Well, your parents had their own issues, didn't they? It's not your fault they didn't love you," he pats me on my back and continues walking.
I know he's saying that to make me feel better, but I don't want to be reminded of how my parents didn't love me. I take a deep breath, and respond, "I'm just saying I think all men must want boys and all women must want girls. That's all I'm saying."
"I understand. You're probably right," Lucius says, looking back off into the trees.
"When you have a baby, you're not going to forget about me, will you?" The words seem rent from my mouth, and as soon as I say them, I wish I hadn't.
Lucius turns to me and smiles, "Of course not!" he exclaims, giving me a short, one-armed hug, "I couldn't possibly forget about you! You're very special, remember? Just because I'm not your guardian anymore doesn't mean I don't still care for you!"
"Thank you," I smile, looking at the ground, "I'm glad you still like me."
Talking seems to put Lucius in a better mood, and when it's time to head back to Hogwarts, he walks me back to the Slytherin common room. When we get inside, I notice Evan sitting alone. He turns his head as we walk in, but upon seeing us, he looks back at the fire.
"Bye, Lucius! Thanks for dinner and for the coffee! It was good!" I smile, giving Lucius a hug.
He pats my back, and purrs, "Of course! It was my pleasure! You should take a shower before going to bed tonight. Your hair is looking a little rough."
"I'm almost out of my shampoo and conditioner," I admit, looking down.
"You should have said something sooner! I'll send you more tomorrow, alright?"
I thank him, and after we've said goodnight, I go sit next to Evan. He scoots away from me. Assuming he's playing, I scoot closer to him.
He stands up, and says gruffly, "I'm going to bed," then stalks away from me, leaving me confused and feeling hurt. As the common room slowly empties, I stare into the fire, wondering what it was I was trying to remember earlier that day.
When I wake up the next morning, Evan is not there. He normally waits for me before going down for breakfast, or at least wakes me up.
"Where's Evan?" I ask John.
"Good morning to you, too," he smirks, and I throw a pillow at him, "I'm not sure where he is. Maybe in the common room? He said he had an exam tomorrow, so maybe he's studying? He's been in kind of a rough mood since last night."
Confused, I make my bed, get dressed, brush my teeth and wash my face, and head to the Great Hall with John, Clarence, and Joseph. Evan is sitting alone at the Slytherin table.
Scooting up next to him, I tentatively say, "Good morning! You got here early today!"
He grunts in reply.
"What're you doing?"
"Reading."
Perplexed, I look at Clarence. He shrugs, and tosses a piece of toast onto his plate.
"What're you reading?" I ask, nudging Evan's shoulder.
"Daily Prophet. Do you need something?"
It's not like him to be so terse, and I'm starting to think I've done something to upset him, "I just wanted to say good morning, I guess. You didn't wake me up this morning! Are you okay? You seemed like there was something on your mind last night."
"I'm fine," he growls, closing his paper and stuffing it roughly into his bag.
"Where are you going?"
"To study," he responds, and briskly walks away.
"What's up with him?" I ask Joseph, "Is it something I did?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe he's been rejected? I know I wasn't very happy when Morgan turned me down! Come to think of it, he did seem a bit off last night," he says, putting two hard-boiled eggs onto his plate and one onto mine, "Want an egg?"
"No, I'm not hungry, but thanks."
"Whatever you say!" he shrugs, and starts devouring his food.
"Hey, Joseph! Stop trying to steal Severus' girl! Morgan's the mother of his little, ugly, screaming dirt-child!" John laughs, and tosses some toast onto my plate.
"Oi, John!" Morgan calls from a little ways down the table, "We already told you, it was a one-night stand!"
"What?!" I say sarcastically, "I thought it was true love! I thought we had something special!" I smile as Morgan and my friends laugh, and while they are distracted, I hide some of the food on my plate under my unused napkin. I want to follow Evan. I glance over at the Gryffindor table. Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew are all eating breakfast. None of my friends are even close to done eating yet, and I don't want to go off alone, so I open up my Ancient Runes textbook to study. I have an exam in a few days anyways.
In Defense Against the Dark Arts, Evan sits next to Joseph, leaving Clarence to sit next to me. When class is over, he grabs his stuff and leaves without saying a word. After classes are over for the day, I look around the common room for Evan. Not finding him there, I go to the library with Regulus. Evan isn't there, either. Sighing, I find a table and we sit down to study.
"What's wrong, Sev?" Regulus whispers after a while, "You haven't even turned one page! Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just confused," I whisper back, "Evan's not talking to me, and I don't know what I'm supposed to have done to make him so mad!"
"I don't know… maybe he's stressed about exams?"
"Maybe, but he's never acted like this before!"
"Quiet in the library!" Madam Pince whispers loudly. I glare at her as she walks away.
When I get back to my dormitory, Evan's curtains are drawn around his bed. The next few days pass the same way. By Saturday, I've had enough. I wake up early to go sit in my armchair by the fire. I'm going to wait for Evan to try to sneak out, then I'll make him talk. I sit for a while, staring into the fire, but still on the lookout for movement from the dormitories. Finally, at around 4:30, I see him sneaking out of the dormitory.
"Going somewhere?" I drawl, leaning back in the old armchair and crossing my legs, still looking into the fire. I have to fight down a giggle as he stops abruptly.
"Not particularly," he answers.
"Then you won't mind answering some questions, will you?" I say, turning in my chair and motioning towards the couch. When he doesn't move, I raise one eyebrow.
He walks jerkily towards the couch and sits down, "What do you want?"
"What's your problem? You've been shitty to me this whole week, and I'm tired of it."
He doesn't answer.
"Well? Is it something I've done?"
He purses his lips and stares pointedly into the fire.
"You're gonna tell me what's wrong. I can sit here all day if I have to, and I can make sure you do, too, even if you do have a quidditch game today. Don't worry, I'm patient."
Evan's lips twitch into a small smile, then, as if realizing his composure has slipped, he sets his face into a frown again and turns to face me, "I know what's going on between you and Lucius."
Confused, I cock my head and furrow my brows, "What do you mean?" I ask.
"I meant what I said," he growls.
I shake my head, still confused, "I don't understand."
"You're sleeping with him!" he says accusatorially. His cheeks are turning red.
"What?! No! That would be so gross! Lucius signed the papers to be my guardian when my parents died, remember? And he's married! I don't like him like that, and I know he doesn't like me like that, either!"
"I heard what Potter was saying to his pals that day Lucius came to take you out! He said, 'Oh look, it's Snape's sugar daddy! I can't believe he still keeps that charity case around!' and Black said you were probably sucking his dick or something! And Lucius brought you coffee and took you to the Three Broomsticks! I'm not stupid, Severus! There are private rooms at the Three Broomsticks! He said he had things to discuss with you, and you were out for a really long time! And he said you should take a shower! You two were obviously messing around! And he's always touching you, and hugging you, and giving you nice things, and taking you out! It's obvious to me that you're sleeping with him! And I told you I would wait for you till you were ready to be with me, so if you've just been sleeping with him this whole time, that would mean you never really liked me like I thought you did!" Evan's breathing fast, and looks angrier than I've ever seen him look before.
For a brief second, I remember being on my knees, chest shoved to the floor, with strong fingers digging into my hips, and… What was I just thinking about? I must have fallen asleep for a second. Shaking my head, I take a deep breath, and say, "I swear I've never done anything like that with Lucius! I've never done anything like that with anybody! Potter and Black always make shit up about me, you know that. They're always trying to make me out to be a bad person. Last night me and Lucius got dinner and walked around Hogsmeade! He wanted to talk to me about school, and how I'm doing studying for my mastery, and he wanted to tell me that Narcissa had another miscarriage! He's really torn up about it!"
"Oh! I— I didn't know…" Evan fumbles.
"So, without confirming it with me first, you just assumed I was whoring myself out? Why would you do that? What the fuck, Evan?!" I frown. I take a deep breath. It wouldn't do to raise my voice in the common room and have somebody misunderstand.
"Sev, I'm sorry! Listen, I didn't know! I didn't mean— I just…"
I take another deep breath, stand up, walk over to the couch, and sit down next to Evan, "I swear I'm not doing anything like that with Lucius. We've always just been close like that. Remember? He's always hugged me and stuff— that's just how he is."
Evan looks away, and says, "But that's not how he is! I knew him before Hogwarts, and he was never like that with anybody! You're the only person I've ever seen him act that way with!"
"He hugs Narcissa!"
"Yeah, Sev. Of course he hugs her. She's his wife. You're not his wife. And he's so controlling with you! I don't like how he's always telling you what to do! Do you like how he treats you?" he grabs both of my shoulders, and I tense up waiting for him to shake me, but he doesn't.
"I don't know! Usually I like being hugged! Sometimes I don't want it, but I don't have a choice, do I? He's the only person that's ever taken care of me! And plus, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't even have the clothes on my back! I owe it to him to let him treat me however he wants. You just don't understand. You've always been able to get what you want, and your parents actually like you!" I say, frustrated. I remember the conversation I overheard that one summer at the manor between Lucius and his friends before I started having to spend time with Yaxley and Dolohov, but then I remind myself I didn't hear anything, and that I was in the lab the whole time, and I mumble, "Lucius has always looked out for me and been there when I needed help."
"Right, but that doesn't mean you need to be a doormat and let him do whatever he wants to you! If you're uncomfortable, then you should say something!"
"I can't, Evan! I don't want him to get mad at me! And it's not a big deal. I don't mind it when he hugs me and stuff. Really! I mean, sometimes I don't want to be touched, but I don't want to say anything that might make him mad at me!"
"But that's not healthy! If he scares you that much, then he's just as bad as your parents!"
I put my hands on his wrists by my shoulders, and say, "You wouldn't say that if your parents had been like mine. Lucius scares me sometimes, but he hugs me and tells me he's proud of me when I'm good, and he gets me nice stuff when I deserve it. I don't remember my mum ever telling me she was proud of me, or that she loved me, or anything! And besides, Lucius doesn't beat me. I still have nightmares of my dad coming home drunk. The last time he beat me, I was in St. Mungo's for over two weeks recovering! You don't know what it's like to be scared for your life like that! And to have nobody to protect you! My mum never said anything to stop him! She always told me it was my fault and that he had to beat me because I was being bad, even if I wasn't! You don't understand how bad it was!"
Evan looks as if he might cry, and wraps me up in his arms, and chokes out, "I'm so, so sorry, Sev!"
I nuzzle my head into his shoulder, and murmur, "It's okay. They're dead now, anyways. They can't hurt me anymore. Are you still mad at me?"
"No. I'm sorry for assuming that you were sleeping with him. You're not like that at all. Sev?"
"Mmm?"
"I don't scare you, do I?"
"No," I say, and shake my head, "You make me feel safe."
Evan pulls away just enough to look into my eyes, and murmurs, "Do you think you might be ready soon? It's okay if you're not, but… I just figured… I—"
"Shut up," I grin, and before I can convince myself not to, I lean in and kiss him. His fingers tangle in my hair, and I let myself melt into his embrace. I tentatively put my arms around his neck and lean back, pulling him on top of me. One of his hands snakes down below my belt, and my muscles tense automatically.
"May I keep going?" he whispers.
"Mm hmm," I nod.
"Relax, Sev, you're okay," Evan brings his hand back up to cup my cheek, "I'll stop if you're not comfortable."
"No, don't stop. Please," I breathe, and wind my fingers through his hair.
He lowers his head and kisses me gently, then puts his hand back to work undoing my belt.
I close my eyes and my breath catches in my throat as he sucks on a spot on the side of my neck, "Evan," I murmur, putting a hand on his chest.
"You're okay, I've got you," he says, kissing all the way down my chest and stomach to my open pants. As Evan takes me into his mouth, a quiet moan escapes my lips, and I clap my hand over my mouth. Evan reaches up to intertwine his fingers with mine and gives them a quick squeeze as he swirls his tongue around my shaft. I can't believe this is really happening! I'm ugly, and stupid, and I don't deserve this. As if he can sense my thoughts, Evan glances up at me, and murmurs, "You're so perfect, Sev."
I shut my eyes tight, and clench my hands into fists by my head. He bobs his head, and my hips seem to move of their own accord. After a few minutes, I start to feel pressure building up, and for a few seconds, the world seems to stop. Then I feel Evan's lips on mine. My brain feels fuzzy, and I smile into his lips, "You should sit up," I whisper as his mouth moves back down to my neck.
"Oh?" he grins, and nibbles the spot he was sucking on, "Why?"
To answer his question, I slide off the couch onto my knees in front of him and begin to undo his belt.
He grabs my hair as I envelop his shaft in my mouth. I can't believe Evan is hard for me. Because of me. I feel powerful as he grinds his hips and stifles a moan.
I swirl my tongue and bob my head. I can tell he is getting close when his thrusts become harder. When he reaches his climax, and his hand falls from my head, I swallow, wipe my mouth, do my pants back up, and crawl back up to the couch.
Evan fixes his pants and lies down, pulling me with him. He grabs a blanket from the top of the couch and covers both of us with it, "You're amazing, Sev," he sighs.
I smile, and close my eyes, feeling peaceful and warm, "So are you," I respond.
"Do you want to stay here for a bit, or go back to the dorm?"
"Let's stay out here for a while. When other people start waking up, we can sit up and pretend we've been studying or something. I'll go grab our books."
"No! You stay here and rest— I'll grab the books," Evan sits back up and I scoot over so he can stand up. When he gets back with some books, he lies back down and holds me close.
I wake to Evan gently shaking my shoulder. Yawning, I sit up and look around. Out of my right ear, I hear movement from the dormitories. Looking around, I see Joseph emerging from our dorm room. Grinning, he walks over to us. His eyes travel from the closed books on the coffee table, to Evan's uncharacteristically messy hair, and finally to the hickeys on my neck.
"You two get some good studying done?" he sneers.
Evan blushes, and runs his fingers through his hair.
"Sure did!" I respond, smiling, "I think I'm really ready for our exam in, uh—" I glance at one of the books on the coffee table, "Third-Year Transfiguration!"
Evan and Joseph laugh, and Joseph tosses the book at me.
I dodge it, and it hits the floor behind the couch, "Hey! I'm gonna report you for assault!" I laugh.
"You go for it, little guy. Anyways, don't forget we have a game today! Remember we're playing Gryffindor, and I for one can't wait to knock Potter off his broom. You'll be there, right, Severus?" Joseph asks.
"Of course! I've been looking forward to watching you clobber him for weeks, the stupid, arrogant piece of shit," I grumble. Once Clarence and John join us, we head down to breakfast.
When we get to the Great Hall for breakfast, I don't even bother trying to cover up my neck. When I see Potter and Black, I toss my hair back and smirk at them, remembering Potter's words: "I'm pretty sure that nobody is into sneaky, skinny, nasty little gremlins like you." I flinch as Evan puts a hand on my back, and look over my right shoulder at him.
"You want to make a bet?" he says, grinning naughtily and ladling porridge into a bowl and putting it on my plate.
"On what?" I ask inquisitively.
"The game today!"
"Maybe. What are the terms?"
Evan smiles, "If Gryffindor wins, then next time we go to Hogsmeade, I'll buy you drinks. If Slytherin wins, then you can buy me drinks. I know you have a bit of money saved up from selling your poisons over the summers, right?"
"If Gryffindor wins, you can buy me drinks, but don't you want more of an incentive to help us win?"
"Potentially— what did you have in mind?"
Leaning towards him, I whisper in his ear, "Whatever you want. Anything come to mind?" I pause for a moment to give him time to think, and smirk as his face turns brick red, "Anything at all?"
Evan fidgets in his seat, and looks at his plate.
When he doesn't say anything, I shrug my shoulders, "Okay, have it your way then. Drinks it is!"
I inhale sharply as I feel his hand on my thigh, "If we win, take a shower, and then I'll tell you what I want," he whispers.
This time, it's my turn to blush. My lips twist into a small smile, and I grab a few pieces of bacon, two hard-boiled eggs, and an apple and put them on his plate, "You need to eat, then! You can't win a quidditch game on an empty stomach!" I say, playfully swatting his hand away from my leg.
He laughs, and takes a big bite of bacon. While my friends eat, I pick at my porridge, trying to gather the courage to finish the entire bowl.
While we're eating, Regulus comes walking over and taps me on the shoulder, "Hey, Sev?"
"Mmm?" I mumble through a mouthful of porridge.
"If we win tonight, do you want to be on my team for Butterbeer pong?"
"Maybe," I say, glancing at Evan, "I've already got plans I think, but I might have time for a short game! You know my depth perception is terrible, though, right, Reg? I'd be useless!"
"Yeah, but it'd be fun! Evan, you could play with us, too!" he says excitedly.
Evan scoffs through his bacon, and says, "I don't know, mate, Sev and I have some big plans for tonight, but I'm happy to play a short game with you first if he is. Especially if you catch the snitch! And even more if you can knock Potter off his broom while catching it!"
"I'll do my best!" Regulus laughs, "See you at the pitch, Evan! See you at the game, Sev!"
"See you there!" I laugh.
Evan is on top of his game today, and blocks every single attempt at a goal. To my great joy, during the game, Joseph does, indeed, succeed in clobbering Potter with a bludger. When the bludger collides with Potter's side, it sends his broom spinning to the other end of the pitch, giving Regulus time to catch the snitch and secure a victory for Slytherin.
When we all get back to the common-room, I take a quick shower. Once I'm out, I dry off and get dressed away from the mirror. If I look at myself, I know I won't feel confident anymore. I put on a gray t-shirt, Evan's big, comfy dark green zip-up hoodie, my black jeans, and the white canvas sneakers I bought myself with some of the money I earned selling potions. I flip my head over, comb out my damp hair with my fingers, put it into a high ponytail, and loop it through into a bun so it doesn't hang on my neck. Hearing footsteps, I turn towards the door as Evan walks in, "Hey! You did so good in the game today!"
"Thanks! So about that bet…" he grins. His face is still sweaty from the game, and his shirt is soaked.
"Take a shower and then we can talk! You're sweaty and gross!" I laugh, pushing him away and turning around. He catches my wrist as I walk away.
Looking towards the door, he leans in and whispers, "You said if we won, I could have whatever I wanted, right?"
"I'm pretty sure that's what I said. Why?"
"After we play one round of Butterbeer pong with Regulus, I want you to come to that empty classroom behind the potions labs with me. I'll bring what we need."
I can feel my heartbeat speed up, and I smile shyly up at him.
"Yes, sir!" I tease, pulling my hand away and walking towards the door, "Whatever you want!"
When I get back to the common room from my shower, I help Clarence, John, Morgan, and a few other girls from our year set up for the party. John went to the kitchens to get food while I was showering, so Morgan and I help him set up the food table. As I'm messing with the chips and punch, Evan leaves the bathrooms. His hair is still wet, and I can feel myself blush as I notice that he hasn't shaved today. I shake my head, take a deep breath, clear my mind, and try to focus on what I'm doing. I look up to see Morgan looking at me.
"What?" I ask, perplexed.
"Oh, nothing, just thinking," she responds, "Evan's a nice guy, don't you think?"
My stomach flip-flops, and I say, "Yeah. He's a good friend."
"And Joseph? I feel like maybe it's time for me to give up on leading him on, don't you think?"
"You finally tired of playing with him?" I laugh.
"Yeah, I think I've had my fun!" she smiles, and continues working on the table.
Later on, once everything is set up and the party has started, Regulus and I play Butterbeer pong against Evan and Rabastan. I'm not good at Butterbeer pong, and neither is Rabastan, so we're a pretty evenly matched team. I end up having such a good time that I even let myself eat a few chips and have a bit of Firewhiskey. After our game, I hand my glass of Firewhiskey to Evan.
"What's this for?" he asks, perplexed.
"I can't finish it. You can have it."
"Oh, okay! Thanks!" he smiles and chugs the rest of my Firewhiskey, "Do you think you'll want more tonight?"
"Probably not," I say, thinking of how fat I'll look if I have anything else to eat or drink tonight besides water.
"Okay! Well, are you ready?" he grins.
"I told you, it's whatever you want," I whisper, looking up at him and meeting his eyes.
"Are you sure?"
I sigh and run my hands through my hair. I'm not used to making choices for myself, and I'm getting a bit frustrated, "Why would I say that unless I meant it?"
"Merlin, okay! I just wanted to make sure!" he laughs, then, grabbing my waist again and pulling me close, he whispers in my right ear, "I'm just saying, it's not every day the Slytherin Quidditch Captain wants to fuck you. Or maybe it is!"
I can feel myself go red, and Evan snickers.
"Oh mighty Lord and Captain Rosier, thank you for reminding me of my place," I mock, pulling away and bowing deeply to him, "I am so deeply honored that somebody so powerful such as yourself could possibly take interest in somebody so lowly and pathetic as me! I grovel at your feet!"
"Stop that!" he laughs, pulling me into a hug, "And don't say such mean things about yourself! I mean it! Remember what I told you earlier? Or do I have to remind you?"
"Hmm, I must have forgotten!" I smile, "I think you're going to have to remind me after all!"
Evan chuckles, and lets me go, whispering, "Well then, I think we should go ahead and get started now! I believe I have a lesson to teach you about self-esteem, you silly… silly… what is it that you say?"
"Silly goose," I murmur, remembering smiling and laughing with Lily what seems like a lifetime ago.
"Silly goose! That's right!" he laughs, grabs my hand, and pulls me through the common room towards the door.
"Oi! Where are you two going?" Joseph calls out.
"I forgot— I have a potion simmering in the lab!" I yell.
He grins, and yells back, "Right. Have fun with that! Evan, don't get in his way!"
"I won't!" Evan laughs.
When we get to the empty classroom, Evan locks the door behind us, casts a silencing charm on the room, and walks slowly up to me. Suddenly extremely self-conscious, I hug my arms across my chest, look down at the floor, and shuffle my feet. Now that we're alone together, I just want to curl up and hide. I don't deserve this attention— I'm ugly and stupid, and there's no reason that pureblood nobility like Evan should want to be with me.
"Hey," Evan murmurs, tipping my chin up with his fingers, "what did I tell you? You're not allowed to think bad thoughts!"
"I'm not!" I mutter, not meeting his eyes.
"Yes you are. Sev?" he asks, gently turning me around and hugging me from behind as he rocks from side to side, "You know if you were actually ugly or stupid or anything you say you are, I wouldn't want you, right?"
I feel my eyes start to water up, and I blink rapidly, shaking my head.
"So are you saying that I'm stupid for wanting you? Or that I have bad taste? Because that's what it sounds like."
"No! You're amazing, and smart, and handsome, and and and and… and you could have anything you wanted! You're one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight pureblood families, Evan! You could have anybody you wanted!" I whine, wiggling around in his arms.
He smiles, and says, "But I want you, Sev! I want you!" and he tips my chin up to kiss me. As we stand there, he moves his hands down my torso, grabs my hips, and lifts me onto a desk. I drape my arms around his shoulders, and he smiles into my lips, "I want you so badly," he whispers, "I always have."
"Then take me," I breathe.
Evan tears his cloak off and throws it on the floor, pulls me off the desk and onto the floor, removes his own pants and then mine, then grabs a vial from his pants before tossing them onto the desk. Crawling between my legs, he pulls my shirt up and off, then gently wraps his fingers around my hair, and, pulling my head back, he trails kisses down from my mouth to the front of my neck where he gives me another hickey, "Do you wanna be on your back or on your knees or what?" he whispers, blushing.
"It's whatever you want," I murmur.
He grins, and says, "Okay, then stay on your back. I wanna be able to kiss you while we're doing it."
"Yes, sir," I tease, pulling his head down for another kiss.
After we're both spent, Evan pulls me down and holds me tight from behind, nuzzling his face into my neck. My head is buzzing, and my muscles don't seem to want to work.
"You're amazing, Sev," Evan mumbles, "Just amazing."
I smile, and wiggle in even closer to his warm body.
"So are you," I murmur, smiling happily.
The next morning, I wake up as Evan sits down on my bed.
"Good morning!" he says cheerfully. I groan, and roll over, covering my face with my pillow. As I roll over, I notice that I'm still a little sore from last night. I smile into my pillow, mentally going through the events of last night so I don't forget.
"What time is it?" I mumble.
"It's time for breakfast! I'm starving!" Evan exclaims.
I roll back over and sit up cross-legged, giving him a small smile, "You know what? I'm a little hungry, too."
On Monday evening while Clarence and Joseph are practicing their transfiguration and John and Evan are practicing their charms, I head to the potions lab to get started on a new potion I need to know for my Mastery exam at the end of the year. I always like working alone in the lab. The bubbling cauldron is peaceful, and there's nobody there to bother me. I can focus on my work and dissociate from the rest of the world. I set my things down, flip my head over, gather my hair into a ponytail, and loop the ends through into a bun. Satisfied that no hair is going to fall into my ingredients or my face while I am working, I begin setting out my knives and reading the recipe for today's potion, making notes as I go. I'm startled out of my thoughts as a Gryffindor sweater appears in front of my face. For a second, I imagine picking up my paring knife and driving it straight through the large letter G, but I push the impulse away and look up.
"Do you need something?" I sneer, raising one eyebrow and locking onto Potter's ugly brown eyes.
"Nice hickeys ya got there, Snivellous," he smirks, not breaking eye contact.
I can feel myself blush, and I look away, "Thanks," I mutter sarcastically.
"So?" he says, putting a tanned and calloused hand right next to my textbook. I grab my wand in my pocket, ready for a fight.
"So what?" I snarl, moving my textbook away from him.
"Who decided they were desperate enough to fuck you? Did you have to blindfold them? Or was it your sugar daddy? He was just here, wasn't he? We saw you leave the castle with him."
I take a deep breath and try to clear my mind. It doesn't work, so I take another deep breath, release my grip on my wand, grab my paring knife and a few rat tails, then slowly say, "I only have three things to say to you, and then you can fuck off. First, that's a low blow. I expect more creative insults from you than comments about my appearance. Second, that's disgusting, and you know it. I would never do that with Lucius. He took me to dinner and we walked around Hogsmeade. And third, if you want to be an auror like you say you do, maybe focus a little more on your studies and a little less on me."
"How did you know I wanted to be an auror?"
"Are you actually as stupid as you look? You sit over there every class period and loudly discuss your life with anybody who will listen. I'm not even listening, and I still know everything about your cocker spaniel that died last month, and how your dad wants you to take over the family business but you don't want to, and how you and Lily are moving in together after school. I know way more than I wish I knew about your life," I sneer, using my knife to point to the right side of the room where he and Lily always sit, "and besides, you've always fancied yourself a vigilante, haven't you? I just sort of figured that's the sort of bullshit job you'd want."
"So you think being an auror is a bullshit job, do you? Dark wizards catch themselves, do they?" Potter's smirk is gone from his face, and he looks a bit flushed.
"I wouldn't know," I say, sneering as I begin cutting my rat tails.
"No, Snape, I want to know. How would you deal with a dark wizard? Since you think aurors are so unnecessary, what would you do?"
Thinking of Dolohov, I say, "If somebody really nasty came after me, I'd let them lose just enough blood so that they couldn't fight back, then I'd snap their wand, tie them up, and let a poison do the rest. Guess I'd probably leave them somewhere, too, so it'd be out of my hands. You know, wear gloves or something so I don't leave fingerprints," I shrug, "I don't trust the Ministry or the Aurors with any business of mine, anyways."
"So you'd torture them and then commit murder?" he frowns, slowly walking behind me. I turn around, knife still in my hand, and he stops right in front of me.
"Not torture, just laziness. I don't want to have to bother fighting and risk losing. Better to let one spell," I point to his cheeks where the scars from my Sectumsempra spell are still pink, "do the work for me. And anyways, murder is legal if it's in self-defense, and if it's somebody really terrible, then they deserve the pain. If nobody ever catches you, then it's not your problem," I snarl, pointing the knife at his chest and imagining how lovely it would feel to stab him right where the ribs begin to separate, down by the diaphragm and at the bottom of the lungs. It would be so easy, too. With my other hand, I slowly wrap my fingers around my wand.
"You can put that knife down," Potter growls, going for his own wand.
I whip my own wand out, and wordlessly disarm him with a flick. His wand flies backwards and hits the wall, and I put the tip of my wand to his throat. Still pointing the knife at his chest, I snarl, "Back up and we can talk."
He doesn't move.
"One."
He glances at the knife. I smile darkly up at him and touch the tip of the knife to his sweater. It is so sharp that it forms a small hole in the fabric.
"Two."
He takes a step backwards.
"Keep going."
He frowns, and, eyes still fixed on my wand, grabs his own from the floor and walks back around to the other side of the table.
"Why'd you come in here anyways? Just to harass me?"
"No. You're gonna tell me what kinds of potions you're selling and who's buying them."
I laugh, and start cutting my rat tails again, "Still on that, are we?"
"Sure are. Come on, I'll even put my wand away! I'll play nice if you do! Promise!" he smiles mockingly, and makes a show of putting his wand back in his pocket.
"Potter, you really are pathetic. So pathetic that I'll even give you a little tip. If you want somebody to tell you their secrets, harassing them for years, telling them they're ugly, and insinuating that they're a gay whore is not the way. You need to get close enough to get them to trust you, rely on intimidation or torture, or slip them some veritaserum. As for me, I would never trust you even if you tried, and I won't let myself be intimidated or tortured into talking. I suppose your best bet would be veritaserum, but you'll never be good enough at potions to brew it, and you'll never get close enough to me to force me to take it if you bought some. Even if I was doing something illegal, which I'm not, I'd never let myself be caught by the likes of you," I sneer, putting my cut-up rat tails in their own small bowl and turning to face him again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the door open. We both turn to see who's coming in, but I look back towards my ingredients when I see Lily's emerald green eyes.
"Lily!" Potter calls out. Lily smiles at him the same way she used to smile at me, and I take a deep breath, trying to focus on picking out what ingredient I want to prepare next.
"Hi, James! Severus! What are you two doing?" she says suspiciously.
"Having tea," I snarl, "Care to join us?" I motion sarcastically to a chair by my table.
Lily smiles, and then, as if realizing that she shouldn't be smiling at me anymore, she walks over to Potter and kisses him on the cheek. Potter smirks at me.
"But really. What are you doing? Remus said you were down here working on your essay for Advanced Potions, so I knew you must be up to no good!" Lily laughs.
Potter smiles, ruffles his hair, and says, "Congratulating Snape on finally getting a girlfriend!"
"Oh! You have a girlfriend? Who is she? I thought— well, nevermind," she says, going red.
"No, I don't have a girlfriend," I say through gritted teeth, grabbing the rest of my ingredients, "but thanks anyways."
"Sorry," she says, then smiling, she laughs jokingly, "Then was it a one night stand? I would never have expected it from you, Severus!"
My lips curl into a short smile, but then I remember that she's with Potter, and that we're not friends anymore. I set my ingredients on my table and sneer at her, "Well, I never expected you to be the sort of person to go out with, as you said, a pompous toe-rag, but here we are, I suppose. How much is he paying you to go out with him?"
She glares angrily back, and exclaims "You know I'm better than that! I would never hang around somebody horrible just because they gave me nice things, though you seem to have no problem with that sort of thing."
"That's different!" I snarl, "At least your family had enough money for clothes and food! If it wasn't for Lucius, I wouldn't have anything!"
"I told you over and over that you'd be welcome at my house!" her voice is getting louder, and that familiar spark seems to be back in her eyes, but I don't care. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I don't want to apologize anymore. I don't care. She was the one who was wrong, not me! It's not my fault she got in the way!
"If I had hung out with you all the time, I would have lost all my other friends and everything!" I exclaim.
Potter is standing as if rooted to the spot, looking nervously back and forth between Lily and me.
"If your friends would leave you because you were hanging out with a muggle-born, then why would you want them in the first place?!"
"Would you want to be an outcast in your own common room? My own parents hated me! Why would I want the people I share a dorm with to hate me, too?! You don't understand! You never understood! You're— you're impossible! And you're one to talk about morals! You spent all those years telling me how much you hated him," I point my knife at Potter, "just to turn around and go out with him! I bet you're only doing it to piss me off, aren't you?!"
"What do you care who I go out with? We're not even friends anymore! You never even wanted to ask me out!" Lily's eyes are wet, but I don't care.
"I care because you always acted as if he was the shittiest person alive, but now you're kissing him in the corridors, and going to Hogsmeade with him, and moving in with him after school!"
"People change! You should know that better than anybody with the way you act!"
"Not him! He's a horrible person, and you're two-faced for staying with him!"
She grabs her wand and whips it out of her pocket, "You're the most two-faced person I know, Severus! You pretend to be naïve, but I know you! You're just as mean and rotten as the rest of them!" Tears are streaming down her face.
"You take that back!" I snarl, and point my wand at her heart, "Don't you dare talk about my friends that way!"
Potter steps in front of Lily, drawing his wand and pointing it at me. She pushes him out of the way, exclaiming, "You stay out of this!" then, pointing her wand back at me, she shouts, "I won't take it back! I know you never defended me or any other muggleborn around your friends!"
"Why would I? Would you want to be all alone in your own house? You're being stupid!"
"I would have done what's right!"
"That's easy for you to say! You've always had friends! Everybody likes you! I never had anybody growing up except you! Why would I throw away the one chance I had at getting more friends? And besides, you're not poor like me! They're my only way out! Like I said, I wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for Lucius!"
She takes a deep breath and lowers her wand. I do the same.
"Fine," she says shakily, "I see we're never going to see eye to eye."
"I don't get it," I mutter, "I don't understand why you can't see it from my point of view. You've always had a good family and friends. I've never had anything."
"You had me. We were supposed to be best friends. Always."
For a moment, I feel a weight of remorse, but then, something inside me pushes it down, "I guess people change, don't they?"
"I guess so. I hope you're proud of what you've become, Severus."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement by the door. I glance over for a split second, and to my surprise, Evan comes striding into the room. "What's going on in here?" he says in his quiet, but commanding tone, eyebrows raised, looking from me, to Potter and Lily, and then back to me.
I take a deep breath, and, looking back at Lily, I say, "Nothing, really. They were just leaving, weren't you?"
Potter looks for a moment as if he wants to say something, then he pockets his wand and puts his arm around Lily's shoulder, "Yup, we sure were! Nice chat, Snivellous! I hope you and whatever rich psychopath you're whoring yourself out to have a lovely time!"
I raise my wand again, but Evan grabs my wrist.
"Don't— just ignore him. He's just trying to bait you," Evan murmurs.
Enraged, humiliated, and overwhelmed, I rip my arm away from his grasp, and snarl, "Don't touch me!"
Evan puts his hands up and backs away, "I'm not. I'm sorry. I should have known better. You're okay, Sev, take a deep breath, remember?"
I take a deep breath and hug my arms around my chest. Evan leans against the wall and looks at my cauldron. After a minute or so when I feel more calm, I walk back over to Evan and give him a hug.
"Thank you," I whisper into his chest. He holds me tight, and lightly kisses the top of my head.
"He's awful," Evan says quietly.
I nod, "He's always been like that to me."
"Didn't that girl used to be your friend?"
"No."
"Oh. Sorry."
"It's fine," I say, pulling away from him and not meeting his eyes, "Are you done studying with John?"
"Yep! You want any help?"
"Nah, I mean, yeah, but in the exam I have to do it all myself, so I shouldn't practice with help. You can keep me company, though!" I say, walking back over to my table.
As I work, Evan sits and reads. Once in a while, he comes up to hug me and watch what I'm doing. When I'm done, I bottle up the potion and Evan helps me clean up my space. As we leave the lab to go back to the common room, I remember that my hair is still up. I go to take it down, then I glance up at Evan. He smiles reassuringly, and I leave my hair up.