April 8th, 1979
"I'm home!" Evan exclaims one Friday as he comes in the front door, "I have good news!"
I get off work at three o'clock on Fridays, so I have been at home relaxing and making the grocery list for the upcoming week. It's April now, so the morels will be coming up soon! I'm excited to show him how to find them!
"What is it?" I ask after receiving a short kiss, "What's the good news?"
"I've been promoted!" Evan exclaims, picking me up and spinning me around. Even though I've grown another inch since Evan and I have been living together, I'm still much shorter than he is. At 5 foot 5 and 114 pounds, I'm finally at an okay weight. I've been hoping to grow a bit more, but, unfortunately, I think my body has decided that it's done all it can do. As he sets me down, a wave of vertigo washes over me, and I quickly put my hand on his chest, "Sev? Are you okay?"
"Yeah— just dizzy," I smile as the dizziness passes, "Congratulations, Evan! I'm so happy for you! How do you want to celebrate? Hmm?" I grin naughtily up at him.
"I think you know what I want," he purrs, tangling one hand in my hair, pulling my head to the side, and trailing kisses down my neck. My breath hitches as he picks me up, throws me over his shoulder, and starts walking to the bedroom. Suddenly, I am 10 years old again. My father has slung me over his shoulder, and is taking me to my bedroom where he will whip me with his belt until my back is raw and bleeding. All my muscles tighten up, and when Evan lowers me down to the bed and starts undoing the buttons on my shirt, I take a deep breath and try to clear my mind. I don't want to make Evan angry, and I want him to feel good about his promotion, so dissociating is the best thing I can do. I feel his hands unbuttoning my pants, so I turn my head away and find a spot on the wall to stare at. He slides off first my pants then his, then he comes up between my legs to kiss me, but stops when he sees my blank, expressionless face.
"Sev? Is something wrong? Are you okay?" he asks, confused.
"No, I'm fine!" I lie, and immediately smile at him.
"No you're not. What's wrong?" he says, laying down next to me and looking into my eyes, "Your face was just blank. Like you weren't there. It was really weird."
"No! I told you I'm fine! I just wanna make you happy!" I try to sound happy. If I tell him I don't want to have sex anymore, I'm sure he'll be mad. It's better to go along with it.
"I mean, I guess, but I just feel like something's wrong. I don't want to do it if you're not into it. I mean, obviously I want to do it, but it doesn't feel right if you're not into it, you know? Tell me what's bothering you."
I'm starting to wish he would just get on with it. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I just want to dissociate, let it happen, and get on with my day, "I don't wanna talk about it. Just do it, okay? I want you to be happy. You just got a promotion, so you deserve to get what you want! Just fuck me!"
He shakes his head.
I sigh, and roll over onto my hands and knees, "Do you want me like this?"
"No," Evan says quietly.
Angrily, I get off the bed and kneel in front of him, "Do you want me to use my mouth?"
He thinks for a second, not looking at me, then he says. "No. This is wrong," and pulls his shirt back on, "Just get up, Severus."
Tears start welling up in my eyes. I'm such a failure! I can't believe I ruined his special day just because I didn't act like I was excited. I wipe my tears away, but I don't get up off my knees, "Please don't be mad at me," I whisper, "I just wanna make you happy."
"I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated and confused. I just wish you would trust me enough to tell me what's actually going on, but that's your business, I guess," he says gruffly, zipping his pants back up and walking out of the room.
After a few minutes, I walk out to the living room to find him sitting on the couch, staring out of the window. I haven't bothered to re-do the buttons on my shirt, and it is hanging off my shoulders.
"Are you ready to talk about what happened back there, or are you gonna continue keeping secrets from me and acting like everything is fine when it isn't?" he asks, still looking out the window.
"I'll talk, but first you have to promise you won't get mad."
"I'll only get mad if you tell me you're sleeping around with other people. You were so into it, and then suddenly you just weren't. Is it something I did?"
"You just scared me when you picked me up like that. It just reminded me of how my dad used to pick me up when he was gonna whoop me, or if he wanted to beat me where the neighbors couldn't see in the windows if it was daytime," I say quickly, "He was always looking to get promoted at his job, but he never got his promotion. He'd be sober for a bit, and he would play cards with me and take me to McDonald's, but then they'd turn down his promotion and he'd get drunk again and it was always my fault. It was always my fault for distracting him, or for being home when he didn't want me, or because he thought I stole his leftovers, and and and and…" the tears start falling down my cheeks, and I sit down on the floor next to the couch. I don't want him to see me falling apart on his special day, "and then I'm used to just letting people touch me how they want, so I thought that if I was good and just did what you wanted, you could still have a good time, then afterwards, I could just take a shower and try to calm down there!" I know I shouldn't be telling him any of this. I'm so ashamed, but for some reason, I can't seem to stop talking. All the secrets I've been holding inside of me seem to be spewing out at once.
Evan slips off his chair and sits on the floor with me. He hesitates for a second, then pulls me into a tight embrace.
"Sev? What do you mean you're used to just letting people touch you how they want? What's going on?"
My tears are coming out in earnest now, and I start to sob, "Yaxley and Dolohov used to always feel me up and stuff, and Lucius always said I needed to just relax and let it happen, 'cause then they'd like me better, and then I could get nicer stuff, and nobody would be mad at me. He said that I'm special, and that's why they wanted to spend time with me. And I think something bad happened, but I don't remember! I eavesdropped on a conversation they were all having, and Lucius said he didn't want them going too far, and somebody said Lucius didn't wanna share, but I don't know what they meant! I don't think Lucius has ever done anything bad like that to me, but Dolohov gave me a lollipop he laced with Sleeping Potion and valerian root, and all I know is I woke up the next day naked in my bed! And a few times that summer I woke up naked and I never take my clothes off while I'm asleep! I'm always cold! And every time I get close to remembering something, it slips away, and I'm so scared, Evan!" I cling to him, bawling my stupid eyes out. I hate the way I sound. I wish he would just cast a silencing charm or something on me to stop the noises coming out of my mouth.
He strokes my head and holds me tight as I cry, and after a few minutes, I feel his quiet tears dropping onto my hair, "That's why Dolohov was trying to drag you off at Lucius' wedding reception. Next time I see Dolohov, I'm gonna kill him. Yaxley, too," he growls, "How long has this been going on?"
I shake my head
"Tell me!"
"Since I was 15," I whisper, "Dolohov gave me that lollipop that summer while I was staying with Lucius. They haven't touched me since I got initiated, though, so I should just get over it. Please don't hurt them— I don't want anybody to know. If you hurt them, then they'll know I told you. They'll make both our lives hell, Evan! You know how powerful they are! Nobody says no to them!" I plead, wiping my face.
"Then I'll kill Lucius for pimping you out."
"No! He was just keeping me safe! He always stopped them if they went too far. And besides, Lucius always gave me wine to make me calm down and feel tired, so it didn't bother me too bad. And he always gave me nice things after, since I was always good!"
"But he's the one who let all of this happen to you! You said Dolohov drugged you while you were at the manor! And you said somebody was saying Lucius didn't want to share. That sounds awfully suspicious to me! And what do you mean Lucius always gave you wine to make you tired? How can you be sure he never did anything bad to you if the wine he gave you made you so tired?"
"Lucius always stepped in before it got too far, I think. And I asked him about it before your initiation, anyways. He said he sent Dolohov home after he realized the lollipop was drugged, and he says he doesn't know anything about those times I woke up naked. He says I probably was just warm from the wine or something. But I don't know because I never do stuff like that! There was that one day before Lucius' wedding I woke up like that, but I had gotten super drunk the night before, so maybe I was just warm. I don't remember a whole lot from that day, though, so I don't know! My clothes were already half-off that day Dolohov gave me that lollipop, anyways. Maybe I'm remembering wrong, and my clothes might have already been half-off those other nights, too!"
"Why were your clothes already half off?"
"'Cause Dolohov took off my shirt and my belt, and had already undone my fly and everything."
Evan closes his eyes in horror, and says shakily, "And you still say Lucius kept you safe? He's done a real good job on you, Sev."
"I think he kept me safe! Even if he didn't, I gotta believe that he did, 'cause knowing the truth wouldn't change anything. No matter what, I still have to be around him and be friends with him 'cause we're on the same side! Evan, you gotta promise me won't tell anybody! I don't wanna get in trouble! I don't want them to say something to the Dark Lord, 'cause then he'd be mad, too! We could both die!"
"I guess you're right, but I still wanna kill them. And how do you know what Dolohov had put in the lollipop?"
"Don't tell anybody, but I looked in his chart at work."
"Makes sense, and why would I tell anybody you looked in his chart? I don't wanna get you in legal trouble!"
"Thanks, and I fucked Dolohov up real good during my initiation, so neither of them has tried anything since then."
"Oh, I've heard the stories!" Evan exclaims, "Macnair was saying everybody was shocked when you chose Dolohov to duel— like you had a death wish or something! Then you just started dodging and using simple spells like you didn't know anything," he laughs, "He said Lucius was hiding his face! There's a reason everybody calls you the Death Adder. You're sneaky, and strategic, and vicious when you need to be. I love that about you."
"Thanks," I smile, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear, "Listen, when you see Dolohov, and Yaxley, and Lucius, just take a deep breath and forget I told you anything. Pretend this whole conversation never happened, okay? You have to promise me you'll never tell!"
"Okay, I promise, but you need to promise me not to keep secrets anymore, and to tell me if you're not into something. I hate thinking that all this time, you might not have been into something I've been doing, but instead of telling me to stop, you've just been lying there and letting it happen! Has there ever been a time like that?" he asks, tilting my chin up.
"Yeah, once or twice," I say, not meeting his eyes.
"When? Tell me what you didn't like, and I won't ever do it again!"
I shake my head, "It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does. You're the other half of this relationship— of course it matters!"
"Well," I say, and hesitate.
"Go on, tell me!" he prompts.
"It scares me when you tie up my hands, and when you blindfold me, and when you're rough. And it scares me when you carry me over your shoulder like that. And it scares me when you call me a whore or a slut when we're having sex, 'cause that's what Dolohov always calls me. And it scares me when you go out to the bar with your work friends and come home smelling like whiskey. And I don't like it when you pick me up and spin me around because then I get all dizzy and my head starts hurting and I get nauseous. And it scares me when you slam doors, even if you don't mean to. And it scares me when you raise your voice when you get mad, and and and and…" my voice cracks, and I can feel my eyes getting wet again.
"Damn. I thought you liked it when I tie up your hands, and when I'm rough, and when I talk dirty. I thought you liked it when I spun you around," he says quietly.
I shake my head, looking at the floor
"Severus, I'm so sorry. I had no idea,"
"It's okay, I should have told you."
"Please tell me any time I do something that scares you or that you don't like! And tell me when you're not in the mood! I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing you—I would never ever do that to you! I love you! I love you so, so much, Sev!"
My breath catches in my throat, and I smile through my tears, "I love you, too, Evan."
One day while I am restocking the shelves at work with my healing potions, I hear the doorbell tinkling as somebody comes in.
"Welcome to Slug & Jigger! How can I…" my voice trails off as I turn around and see who the customer is.
"Well, if it isn't Snivellous!" calls Sirius Black from the door, "How's Lucius Malfoy's lapdog getting along?"
I take a deep breath and clear my mind before saying, "What do you want?"
"Oh, Lily's here for her prenatal potion! Didn't you know?"
I take another deep breath, fighting to keep my face void of emotion, "No, I didn't. But we're not friends, so I wouldn't expect to have received an announcement," I snarl, turning away to keep restocking.
Black snorts derisively and starts picking things up, looking at them, then putting them down on the wrong counters. I know he is trying to aggravate me, and I smile to myself. This is going to be great, "Lily's Mrs. Potter now, didn't you know?" he calls from across the store.
"I did. Lupin told me the day after the wedding when he came in to buy his potions."
"They're so perfect together, don't you think, Snivelly?" he comes up to me. He's too close, and I know he's trying to make me feel insecure.
I turn around and smile up at him, "For sure! They're such a cute couple."
I can see his fake smile falter. He throws his wavy hair back and takes another step forward. Just as he opens his mouth, the doorbell tinkles again. He steps back hurriedly as somebody walks in.
"Welcome to Slug & Jigger, how can I help you?" I call out from around Black, "Oh, hi, Lily! How are you doing?" I force my face into a smile. Seeing her makes my blood boil— the traitor. How could she marry him?! And have his baby! That's disgusting!
"Hello, Severus! I'm good, thanks for asking! It's good to see you!" she smiles at me, but I notice that she doesn't meet my eyes.
"It's good to see you, too! What am I doing for you today?" I push past Black, taking my potions with me. I don't trust him one bit.
"I need to pick up a prenatal supplement, actually. Is that okay? Do you carry those here?"
"Yes we do! They'll be right over here! And congratulations! You and Potter are an adorable couple," I smile nastily.
The look on her face is priceless, "Thank you. That's very kind of you," she says, failing again to meet my eyes.
"So, Snape, what do you think of all those poisoned ministry officials in the news?" Black asks.
"Wow, that's horrible, I didn't know that had happened!" I exclaim, leading Lily over to the supplements.
"Yep, who do you think would be behind that kind of thing? What kind of psycho enjoys making those kinds of poisons? You know anybody?" he says, getting too close to me again.
I take another breath to clear my mind, and look him in the eyes, "No idea. That's crazy, though! I can't even imagine something like that," and I shake my head, acting surprised that anybody would do something that crazy.
Black smiles nastily at me, and walks away.
"Yeah, isn't that awful? I feel terrible for their families. You know, a lot of them had kids, too. I can't imagine learning that my mother or father was murdered by You-Know-Who," Lily says sadly.
My heart skips in my chest. I never really thought about the people my poisons were killing. But no, they're bad people. They deserve it. They're the ones making laws that protect muggles like my father. Or at least, that's what Lucius and them say.
"Oi, Snape, come here— you wanna tell me about this potion?" Black calls from across the shop.
I walk as slowly as I can. I know he is impatient, and I want to be as infuriating as humanly possible. When I finally get to him, I ask, "Yes?"
He moves in front of me, hiding me from Lily's view, boxing me in, "I only know one sick fuck who's good enough at potions to make poisons like that," he growls.
I cross my arms and raise one eyebrow at him, "Oh? Who's that? Don't tell me somebody's broken my record!"
"Don't play coy with me, Snivellous, I—"
"So what have you been up to lately, Sev?" Lily calls from across the store.
I duck out from underneath Black's arms and walk back over to Lily, "If you need any more of that laxative, let me know, Black!" I say over my shouler, "We have an enema that might work for you, too!" His cheeks turn red, and I repress a laugh, "I've been really into gardening lately! What about you, Lily?"
"That's nice! I'm glad you're having a good time and that you've found a job that suits you! James and I have been working hard to fix up our house!"
"Cool! Where are you living?"
"In Godr—"
"They're living in the North Pole, actually," Black interrupts loudly, "That's why they need to fix their house so often. You know, all that snow and ice does a number on architecture."
Lily laughs, and I force a smile onto my face.
"Are you still in Cokeworth, then?" Lily asks.
I shrug, and say, "I move around a lot."
"Oh?" she raises her eyebrows.
"Yup," I say, "By the way, Black, Regulus and I have been hanging out a lot, recently. Have you seen him lately?"
"No. I haven't. But you'd know that already, wouldn't you?" he growls at me.
Lily looks uncomfortably between us.
"Oh, he actually never talks about you, so I wasn't sure. I'm so sorry to hear that, though," I sneer, then turning back to Lily and gathering up the vials of potions Black misplaced, I ask, "Do you know the gender of the baby yet?"
"Yeah! It's a—" but she's cut off by Black.
"It's a unicorn, actually! Super rare! Anyway, Lils, why don't you go ahead and get that? I'm gonna pass on the enema this time, but thanks for thinking of me, Snape!" and he pats me on the head.
"Of course! It's the least I could do! Remember to eat lots of fiber for that constipation, okay? That should for sure help you out for the activities you're asking about, too," I smile nastily up at him.
"You'd know all about those activities, wouldn't you?" he smirks, shepherding Lily to the checkout counter.
I blush and look away. We are all pretty quiet as I ring up her prenatal potion and collect the money. I congratulate her again before they leave.
Black holds the door open for Lily, and once she has her back turned to him, he turns back to me and mouths, "Just you wait," to me, smiling. Unbidden, a shiver goes down my spine. The door shuts, and I take a deep breath, letting my mind go blank.
I lay low for a couple weeks after Black and Lily visit the shop. I have a feeling I'm being followed, so I tell Lucius to tell the Dark Lord for me. Lucius tells me afterwards that the Dark Lord said he has lots of poison left, and that he agrees that both Lucius and I should spend time out and about away from the lab to avoid being suspected of any illicit activity. I try to do a lot of things outside so that I look as boring as possible. Whenever I'm at the manor, I have a great time very slowly feeding the peacocks, reading books about gardening and household charms, and I enlist Narcissa to loudly teach me how to knit. When I'm home, Evan and I work on our garden in our free time, and we leave the windows open as much as possible.
After a few weeks, the Dark Lord says it's probably fine that I start working in the lab again. I pretend to be happy that I can go back to making my poisons, but inside, I'm frustrated. I was really happy spending time outside and letting my wrists rest. I know they're just going to get irritated again as soon as I start back up in the lab. I haven't been going to St. Mungo's for healing spells since I got initiated, and Narcissa's spells help a bit, but she's not a healer. I know for sure that I can't let the Healers do spells on my left wrist, and I know the Dark Lord doesn't care, so I just hope that I can take a break soon.