Beneath
Chapter Seventy-Three – Reminders
Saturday, another workday at the Pole, was a work-with-Lucas day, as Jane now thought of it, according to the new schedule of alternating days they'd followed all week. More importantly, though, it was a call-Tony-or-meet-Iron-Man day. She actually had until Sunday at 3PM, but saw no reason to wait if she could get the call through today.
She got dressed and went down to the galley for breakfast and a double espresso first, hoping to get Loki alone, but found him in a group at one of the long tables. She managed to get a seat almost directly across from him when someone else left as she was arriving with her tray. Conversation at the table was about snowmobiles, and Loki was asking about the maximum speeds and maneuverability of different models with a degree of seriousness that made it at least seem like his interest wasn't feigned. Jane tried to be happy about it and take it as a good sign…and shake off the thought that maybe he'd asked similar questions about those things that the Chitauri had flown in Manhattan. Snowmobiles didn't shoot energy weapons, though, and they didn't leave the ground – not much, anyway. Maybe this was a healthy interest for him.
Other than a couple of childhood Christmases spent in Colorado with her father's family when her grandparents were still living, Jane hadn't really been around snowmobiles before and had nothing to contribute, so she simply sat and listened, laughed occasionally, and watched Loki. He seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself, though she knew he was perfectly capable of sounding genuine while lying through his teeth, so who really knew?
"Hey, don't run off so soon, Jane," Tristan said when she excused herself and started to rise.
"Sorry. I'm supposed to contact my sponsor today," she said, with a pointed look at Loki. He tensed a little, she could tell, but simply gave a small nod and otherwise didn't respond. Jane acknowledged Paul's reminder of volleyball tonight, then hurried away.
Back in her room, refreshed and fully awake, she pulled up her VOIP program and dialed the number Tony had called from. It was about 7:30, so Friday 2:30 PM on the US East Coast. The call picked up after four rings, but at first she heard nothing but a crashing sound and Tony swearing. "Sorry! Sorry about that," Tony said a moment later.
"Test not going according to predictions?"
"Ehhh, not exactly. Because that happens sometimes, Jarvis. See? Jane understands."
"Of course, sir," Jane could just make out Tony's AI saying in the background.
"Everything okay, Tony?"
"Hey, that's my line. You're the one with the supervillain in residence. Has he played any more mean party games?"
"Does horseshoes count? And darts. He's really good at darts."
"Darts? Yeah, not surprising. He's kind of handy with a knife. Wait. Darts? Really? He was throwing them at an actual dartboard? Not random scientists? And horseshoes? You need to stop telling me this stuff, Jane, I'm going to have to go down there just to see it."
"Well, actually you're right. I should stop telling you this stuff. It's not really fair to him if I want him to trust me."
"Jane, please tell me you didn't just say something wouldn't be 'fair' to Loki. Loki who killed…how many people was it? Twelve hundred?"
"I haven't forgotten about that, Tony, believe me," Jane said, thinking of the stack of papers that still sat inches away in her bottom desk drawer. "I lost friends, too. And I think you know how much Erik has been struggling. But what am I supposed to do, rant at him about it the whole time? I have to try to make things work. I have to try to…I don't know. To see him as more than just that. Because he is, you know. I mean, everybody has more than one side. There's more to him than the Loki we saw here before. He wasn't always like that. Acting like his judge and jury isn't going to do him or me or anyone else any good. It can't change what he's already done. And neither can he."
"Are you saying he wants to? Has he ever expressed even the tiniest bit of remorse for what he did here?"
Jane slumped in her chair. She wasn't sure what she'd expected from her appointment-calls with Tony, but this wasn't it.
"It's such a cliché, but sometimes silence really is louder than words."
"I'm not defending what he did. I'm not even really defending him. I'm just saying…maybe that's not the end, you know? If this isn't who he used to be, maybe it isn't who he has to continue to be. Maybe he can learn to feel remorse. He has a conscience, Tony, I already know that much. And there've been little things. Little ways he's changed already. Nobody can undo what's been done. But maybe we can make sure it doesn't happen again."
"I can think of more efficient ways to make sure it doesn't happen again. And in what 'little ways' has he changed, exactly?"
"He…"
"Yyyyeah? Waiting."
"He's apologized to me a few times."
"Well, consider him rehabilitated. Maybe he can run for office."
"He never apologized in the beginning," Jane said, growing more frustrated as she realized just how feeble it sounded. But Tony wasn't here. Loki may not have pledged his undying love and protection to Midgard, but she knew he wasn't quite the same person he was when he first got here, either, or when she first found out who he really was. "And he's even been nice a few times. Funny without being mean. I know it's not much, but it is something. Did you know the guy who called me, Jolgeir, he was Thor's and Loki's bodyguard back when they were kids? You should have heard him talk about Loki. He was close to him once. And Loki said he admired Jolgeir. He wasn't always like this, Tony," she repeated. She couldn't help a short wince afterward, because what Loki had said about Jolgeir was personal, said in confidence, and she felt she shouldn't have repeated it. She was pretty sure Loki wouldn't want her to repeat it. "Maybe he can change. Don't you believe people can change?" she asked. She knew that had to mean something to him. She knew he'd made his billions in high-tech weaponry and been so motivated by dollar signs or power or status or whatever it was exactly that he hadn't paid much attention to where the weapons were winding up. And that once he'd found out that a lot of his merchandise was winding up in the wrong hands he'd completely restructured his company, and, according to some media reports, his entire life. He couldn't honestly say he didn't think people could change.
She continued when he didn't respond right away. "Sometimes silence really is louder than words."
"Touché. I'm just worried about you. You sound like you're kind of friendly with him, and Thor's not here, and if it were Pepper, I couldn't just…stand by and-"
"I don't need anybody to protect me. I'm doing just fine. Really."
"I get it, Jane, but he's a manipulator, and he likes to make it personal. He likes to toy with people, like some kind of puppet-master. Without all the too-cute kids and the yodeling."
"I know," Jane said, even as an incongruent image from The Sound of Music popped into her head. "He was doing it to me in the beginning, and I know he followed me here because of Thor. But he's not doing it anymore. I was able to confirm some of what he told me with Jolgeir. He-" Jane's eyes went wide and she gave a much more animated wince. She couldn't say what Jolgeir had confirmed. That would mean explaining how Loki knew it. That would mean explaining Pathfinder. Tony would want to tell Thor, Jane would have to try to talk him down from it…she had enough to deal with without adding Pathfinder and Yggdrasil into the mix, and it wasn't as though they could use Pathfinder anymore anyway. Let sleeping dogs lie. Quietly.
"Jolgeir…," Tony said after a moment. "He didn't happen to mention that he was on kid-god babysitting duty back in the day. Too bad. Can you imagine babysitting Thor? Or Loki. Asgard must have emptied the treasury to come up with enough money to pay somebody to deal with that. Munchkin Thor and Munchkin Loki. Hard to picture. I'm thinking Loki burned down at least a half dozen foster homes before he got to Papa Odin."
Jane bristled at that. Through Thor and now through Jolgeir, even a little through Loki himself, she was sure Loki hadn't been some kind of violent troubled kid. "Tony, do you see why I don't want you down here? You wouldn't be able to stop yourself from antagonizing him for ten seconds. And he's pretty good at antagonizing people himself, when he wants to. Goodbye, Amundsen-Scott Station. And how did you know he was adopted, anyway?" she asked, holding back on correcting him as to how old Loki was when he was adopted.
"Thor told us."
"Really?" Jane asked, puzzled. Why didn't he ever mention it to me?
"Yeah. Well, I wasn't there, but Bruce told me about it. He was all 'don't pick on my brother' and then his brother's body count was pointed out to him and he wasn't so quick to claim him. Tucked his tail between his legs like a great big golden retriever."
"That sounds…kind of mean."
"Hey, don't get me wrong, I like golden retrievers. Sweet, loveable, friendly, really strong golden retrievers."
"Not that. I mean…disowning him like that." And it didn't jive at all with the way Thor had talked about Loki with her. That he still wanted to be his brother and his friend. That he still loved him, despite what he'd done.
"I don't know if he really meant it that way. I mean…blood's still blood. Or, well, adopted blood is still blood. But sometimes…family's complicated."
"Yeah, I know."
"But Jane…twelve hundred people. Maybe he has other sides. As many sides as an apeirogon. Just don't forget about that side, okay?"
"I won't. I haven't. Tony…I could really use an ally in all this."
"Okay, I hear you. I know. And you've got one. Really. Virtual hug. Virtual 100% platonic hug."
"Thanks, Tony. Back atcha. An apeirogon, really?"
"Yeah. Didn't they cover Euclidean geometry at Caltech, fine second-best establishment that it is?"
"Yep. But didn't fine second-best establishment MIT teach you that an apeirogon is actually a degenerate polygon?"
"I thought that was kind of appropriate, to tell you the truth."
Jane laughed and they talked about other things – other things that weren't Loki – for a few minutes, and it was great. Relaxed and calm and cheerful and Tony knew. She hoped this would be the last time they argued about Loki…but it was Loki, and she doubted it. Arguing didn't really bother her; she'd done it a lot in her professional life with people she respected except for their refusal to take her theories seriously.
She pulled on the Carhartts, switched out her sneakers for bunny boots, and grabbed Big Red from the door and her backpack from the floor. When she opened the door, Loki was leaning against the wall across from her. "You have got to stop doing that," she said, though this time the shock had been minimal.
"Waiting patiently for you outside your room?"
Jane frowned and started off toward the main corridor, Loki falling into step beside her. He had a point. He hadn't done anything inappropriate, much less malicious.
"Or are you simply tense because you were just talking about me?"
Jane's steps faltered, but only for a second, as they headed toward the DA entrance. "Were you eavesdropping?"
"No," Loki said, and thought he might even be answering honestly – if one assumed the definition of "eavesdropping" to include the concept of intent. He didn't particularly want to hear her conversation with the egotistical Iron Man, and he definitely didn't want to endure the actual sound of his voice. But his hearing was good, and the walls were thin. He'd heard nothing of interest, some laughing and jesting that he would almost describe as nauseating. It made him miss the days when Jane spoke to no one but him.
"Good. I'll tell you about it, anyway."
"Only the relevant parts, if you please," he said with a glance at the shorter woman who nodded awkwardly while pulling on her neck gaiter as they walked. He realized that he felt a certain possessiveness toward her, and thought it strange, but then recalled that he'd felt that way before. When he knew how much he wanted of her time and hadn't yet established his control over her, and later, once one short phone call from Thor suddenly had her breaking free of his control. It wasn't strange, then, but perfectly natural. His safety – his ability to pursue his goals in anonymity – had always depended on his control over her, but now he was forced to trust her. His control had waned, and now, instead, she had gained a certain amount of control over him. One word from her and instead of solving the mysteries of using Yggdrasil to travel to different times, he would be preparing for an assault by whatever forces SHIELD could somehow manage to get to the South Pole in winter.
They were paused at the door, getting on the rest of their gear, and Loki watched her surreptitiously as she sealed up her jacket. He did trust her, he realized with no small degree of surprise. He wasn't worried about the call to Tony. If she'd appeared nervous afterward, it would be a different story, he thought, which in turn made him think it wasn't that he so completely trusted her, but rather that he trusted himself, in how well he knew her. That, of course, was much more palatable.
"Were there only irrelevant parts?" he asked when they got outside and down the stairs and Jane had said nothing. "I wouldn't be surprised."
"Well," Jane began, still hesitating, "nothing really relevant. He's worried. The only thing he ever saw you do was…well, lead an alien invasion against Earth. I've seen you play Pin the Tail on the Donkey."
Loki gave a grim smile behind the balaclava. "And you told him about that, didn't you?" Of course she had. What better way to persuade him of his meekness than to describe his participation in a children's game?
Jane uttered a curse inside her head. She'd walked right into that. If ever there were a time to lie, this was it. She was looking at the ground so she didn't trip over any newly formed sastrugi in the ice, and her face was almost entirely covered. But she couldn't ask him for honesty if she wasn't willing to give it in return. "Yes, I did. I'm sorry. Probably I shouldn't have, but I needed him to see that I was safe here."
"And my sticking a paper tail onto a drawing of a donkey is evidence that you're safe?" he asked, his voice full of mock innocent confusion.
She quickly glanced over at him; he wasn't looking at her. "At least it means you aren't on a homicidal rampage."
"I could do that after playing party games. Or before. I could celebrate my rampage with party games."
Jane shook her head. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and she might have laughed had he not actually been on a homicidal rampage not so long ago. "Anyway, so you're not upset?"
"Why should I be upset?"
"Good. I'm glad."
"I will have to kill Tony, though."
Jane stopped a swung around. "Is this all a big joke to you? Because it's not funny, Loki. Really, really not funny. You did try to kill Tony. You threw him out a window. And…I know you don't want to hear it, but you did kill a lot of innocent people. And joking about it is just-"
"I did not kill innocent people. You're right, I don't want to hear that, because it isn't true."
"You led an army against-"
"I was supposed to lead that army, but I didn't. I didn't dir-"
"You brainwashed my friend into opening a portal for you to let them in so you could use them to take over my planet. That makes them your responsibility, Loki. How do you not see that?"
Loki stared at her, seething, hands clenched and trembling at his side, remembering with perfect clarity what had happened the last time she'd brought this up with lists and pictures and babies. He'd just wanted to shut her up. He wanted the same now. But his hands stayed at his side. "I did not kill innocent people. Only those who got in my way," he said with a tight voice and an expression that dared her to disagree, which unfortunately she couldn't see.
"Okay, sure, Loki, you didn't kill any innocent people. You had nothing to do with their deaths at all. Complete coincidence. What about the ones you don't see as innocent? The ones who 'got in your way.' Would you still really kill them now? Has anything at all changed?" Jane asked. She already regretted asking. She regretted that she hadn't been able to let this go, as she had let so many other things go since taking her new approach to Loki. She was afraid of his answer, that it would make her feel like a fool.
"Do you want the truth, really? Because yes, I would see them dead, SHIELD's minions, and most of all that little band of 'Avengers.' But not now. Before. When it mattered. If I'd killed them all then, or at least so thoroughly wrecked them that they would never work together, none of this would be happening. I wouldn't be shackled by these curses, I wouldn't be stuck here at the South Pole, and I wouldn't be having this inane conversation with you." With that he set off again toward the DSL, this time not accommodating his stride to hers, though she didn't immediately follow anyway. I could do it, he thought as he stomped over the ice. Go back. Kill them. It was more amusing to pit them against each other, but it didn't work. Perhaps if I didn't kill the one called Coulson. Perhaps if I manipulated one of them into killing one of the others. Perhaps if I just killed them all myself. Less amusing. More efficient. Would I be ruling this realm now? Or still subduing some stubborn holdouts among the multitudes?
He reached the DSL, went inside, and angrily stripped off gear, tossing some things onto hooks so the ice crystals could melt and evaporate away, letting other things just fall to the floor. He wasn't even sure why he'd come here. He and Jane were supposed to work out here together today, but he couldn't imagine that going well now. Perhaps she would have better sense and turn back to the station. He went down the short corridor to his desk to wait, and a few minutes later he heard the door. He let out the breath he'd been holding. Wonderful.
Another couple of minutes passed, and Jane went right to her desk next to Loki's and sat down. "What about Thor?"
"What? What about him?"
"Do you wish you'd killed him, too? He's part of the Avengers now, according to Tony."
"That is laughable. Thor has no time to deal with your realm now. He's on Asgard, where he will remain. He says he loves your realm, but he ignores it. He didn't even bother to call you himself. He sent a lackey to do it for him."
Jane willed herself not to react to the deliberate snub; she was beginning to wonder if that was his way of distracting her from something else. "He's busy now. I'm sure he won't always be that busy. But regardless, he is one of the Avengers, and he was fighting with them against you, and you haven't answered my question."
"I did try to kill him. I dropped him from 30,000 feet in the air. Apparently the cage wasn't quite as impenetrable as advertised. And I did kill him, in your New Mexico town, for a few seconds at least. He's remarkably difficult to kill."
Jane bristled but stayed calm. "Difficult, but not impossible. He told me that himself. You're avoiding the question."
"I don't have an answer to it, Jane!" Loki shouted, before reining himself in. "No more than what I've already told you." He paused for a moment to better collect his thoughts. He should have told her simple lie. A "yes." A "no." Lies were so much better than the truth. Easier. Simpler. "Do you remember how you spoke to me once of destiny?"
She thought back, her heart slowing a bit from the race it had taken off on with Loki's shout. "Yes. You were asking me why I became an astrophysicist."
"Thor and I…we have a destiny, in place from our very births. To hate one another. To fight one another. Eventually, probably, one of us will kill the other. I only hope it will be a glorious battle." Loki imagined in that moment Thor and him circling each other in front of the throne of Asgard. A vision of the future, perhaps.
"Destiny is…it's just a concept. Philosophy. And the question of whether destiny can be changed is also part of that concept. And anyway, who says that's your destiny? You can't know what the future holds."
"Can't I?" he asked with a faint smile.
"No, you can't." She remembered what she'd told Tony, that Loki hadn't always been this way, that if he'd changed once, then why couldn't he change again? "When did you start to hate Thor? I know you didn't always. When you held off the bilgesnipe together. And when you dressed up like women to get Thor's hammer back. You didn't hate him then. What changed?"
"So you didn't believe me when I said he forgot my birthday? You haven't lived much of a life, Jane, but surely you've learned some things during your few years on this realm. Do you think I woke up one morning, rolled over, and decided I hated him after a night of merriment out with all our dearest friends? Thor changed. I changed." He paused for a moment. There was no single moment, really, but there was a moment that had made everything crystallize, that had shaped and focused centuries of resentment into burning hatred. "The past changed."
Jane pressed her hands to her face and slowly drew them down, leaning forward over the low bookshelves that separated her desk from his and resting her elbows on it, cupping her face in her palms. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Loki faced away from her and turned on his computer. "Are we going to actually do any work today? Because if not I have other things I could be doing." The past changed. It can do so again. Once I've proven it works, I'll find a way.
"Jolgeir said Asgard wasn't kind to you," Jane said, refusing to give up this time. "Because you were different from Thor. It sounded like what you said before, about always being compared to Thor, and Thor being seen as stronger and better at things."
"Did you finish with the data from the magnetometer?"
"Is it because you're adopted? You were treated badly because of that? But Thor didn't even tell me. He called you his brother. I don't think it matters to him."
He'd planned to continue ignoring her until she surrendered, but this made him laugh out loud. Of course, you're right, Jane. It doesn't matter to him that his supposed brother is actually from the race of his life-long sworn enemies, the villains of so many sagas, the creatures he fought in his imaginary battles, the monsters that filled his childhood nightmares. It doesn't matter to him at all. It doesn't matter to me, either. The laughter faded and he glanced back at Jane; she wore that sickening "just tell me about it and it will all be better" look. As if you were my mother and I a boy. As if things were so simple.
"Thor loves you, Loki. He told me so. And I know he meant it."
Loki sighed, looked up at the ceiling, then resolutely turned back to Jane. If she wouldn't surrender, then he would, just for the sake of bringing this foolishness to an end. "I believe you. And I don't even doubt that he meant it when he said it. But he loves a lie. A memory that has nothing to do with reality. How much of this 'love' will remain when he finds out I've been here with you this whole time? When he finds out I nearly killed you? When he finally gets it through his skull that I will never again be that obedient little brother who knew his place and only ever wanted to be just like him, how much will he love me then? His love has already faded even now. He knows I sought you out; that is sure to endear me to him. And he believes I've orchestrated this entire war against Asgard. Do you think his heart bursts with love for me?" He laughed. "Even Thor must someday face reality."
"Wait, what?" Jane said, shaking her head and feeling like she needed to be taking notes. "Why would he think you're behind the war? You've been here the whole time. Well, almost the whole time."
"He doesn't know that, Jane, remember? When I was on Svartalfheim, I learned some information about their attack plans, and the name of a spy on Asgard. When I went back to Asgard, I came across Jolgeir in the Healing Room. I acted impulsively and told him what I'd learned. I should have held my tongue, because all I succeeded in doing was incriminating myself. And-" And it didn't help matters that I tried to retrieve the Tesseract. I almost told her even that, he thought with chagrin, reminding himself that even if he saw little reason to guard what he told her anymore, there were some things she couldn't know. She might feel the need to tell Tony Stark about that, and if Stark knew he'd made another attempt to take the Tesseract, he might change his mind about staying away from the South Pole.
"Well, that's easy to disprove. I can explain it. I can tell them the truth."
"And they'll probably believe that you believe what you say. But it might color their perception when they learn that I thoroughly convinced you that I was Lucas Cane, sent by SHIELD to be your assistant, and that anyone and everyone here might be reporting on your activities. Your case for my good behavior will then hold great weight, I'm sure. Don't be naïve, Jane. They're primed to assume my guilt. Some of them surely assumed it even before I conveniently provided them with evidence."
"Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be so simple to convince them. But they don't matter. Not when we're talking about you and Thor. We can convince Thor."
"We cannot convince Thor of anything, because Thor does not know that I'm here, nor can he know that I'm here. And regardless, I have no desire to convince Thor of anything. I have no desire even to see him again. He can think what he likes of me, it's no concern of mine."
"Loki, how can you say that? You don't care what he thinks? You said you wanted to be like him. It's obvious that you at least used to care."
"Everyone wanted to be like him, not just me. Thankfully, some of us grew up. Why does this matter so much to you?"
Jane sighed and looked away for a moment. "You know why."
"Some sort of misguided sentimental desire to patch things up between the man you love and his disobedient brother?"
"Because I care about Thor, yes, because I know how much you mean to him. But more than that, I told you before: because I know how important family is. Because I know what it's like to lose family, and have no way to get them back. It's not too late for you. You can still get yours back," she said, uncomfortably aware that she was pretty close to pleading.
Loki watched her in silence. He was certain he understood her in that moment more than he ever had before, even though it wasn't even the first time she'd said something like this. She was powerless to save her own family, so she was dedicating herself to saving his, in a manner of speaking. A self-serving altruism, then, perhaps, but still admirable, Jane. But you're wrong. My family has been lost, too. And it is too late, even if I wished it weren't. Or… is it? If Yggdrasil permits what I believe it does, does the phrase "too late" have any meaning at all anymore? He turned back to his computer; this was no time to try to answer such questions of philosophy. "If you're ready to get to work now, perhaps while your computer starts up I can show you my revised equations."
Jane watched him a little longer in silence, the moment something akin to sand flowing inexorably between her fingers until every last grain was gone and there was nothing she could do to stop it. He had told her so much that it had begun to seem like she could get answers to every question…every question except that one. Why do you hate Thor? She had no doubt it was more than the sibling rivalry he'd already admitted. Jane didn't exactly have experience with it, but she really didn't think sibling rivalry generally led to attempted murder. In the end, she let the last grain go and gave up. Maybe some other time she'd try to ask about his mother. He loved her; maybe he would open up about her. "Would you have answered me last week? When you told me to ask you anything?"
"Perhaps," he answered with a quick teasing glance her way, though he was quite certain he wouldn't have. "I did warn you."
"Yeah, you warned me. Okay, then, let's see your solution."
Loki reached down to the satchel he'd set on the floor by his desk, pulled out the pages with his revised equations, and handed them to her, fully prepared to ignore everything that had just happened, and hoping she was, too.
Jane took them and went over them slowly. It was like grading undergraduate papers again…if undergraduates did post-doctoral-level work. "You adjusted the tensor fields," she said, still taking everything in.
"Maxwell gave me no choice."
"Yeah, he's a real taskmaster that way," she said with a light awkward laugh marred by tension, trying, yet again, to let go of a conversation, or argument, really, that hadn't gone anywhere. "This looks really good, actually," she continued several seconds later. "Can I keep this? I'll give it back to you tomorrow. I'll have to do some more thinking about it."
"Certainly. And I'm hoping this time for an A-plus."
/
/
"Let's go in for lunch," Jane said at around 12:30.
"Did you run out of crinkly silver packages?" Loki asked, not looking up from the series of numbers on his screen. He'd eaten a large breakfast, expended hardly any energy since, and wasn't hungry at all.
"I'm pretty sure there's a few left in the drawer, but I've been sitting here too long. Come on, let's go to the station."
"I don't feel like it. It's cold outside."
Jane started laughing. She didn't know if he was saying that seriously or not – it was colder than it had been thus far – but she didn't really care. She was just relieved they'd been able to fall back into the familiar rhythms of working together even though, as she truly realized only after the fact, they'd wound up arguing about the very thing she'd sworn she'd never bring up to him again after it had gone so horrendously the first time. Part of her couldn't believe they'd actually talked about it, just hours ago, and were still sitting here calmly – even comfortably – working together. This time, while along the way he'd said a few nasty things intended to hurt, he hadn't shown the slightest bit of physical aggression. Maybe it helped that that bookshelf was between them.
She pulled up the current weather on the computer and whistled. "It's -72, and the wind's picked up, wind chill's -108. Ouch."
"I suggest crinkly silver packages."
"Nope, I'm going in," she said, then flipped over to her e-mail. The satellite window had been constantly creeping earlier, and it would soon be lost for the day.
"Suit yourself."
"Loki, I hate to tell you, but if you think you're going to wait out here until it warms up, you'll be…"
"I'll be what?" Loki looked up at Jane when her voice trailed off and she didn't continue.
"You'll, uh…nothing."
"What?" he asked again, though not for the same reason. He stood up and walked around to see over her shoulder. "This is the side I don't want you to forget," he read aloud, then looked higher on the screen and saw he was looking at an e-mail from Tony Stark. He also saw the icon for an attachment.
"Nothing. Let's just…let's just go have lunch, okay?" Jane moved her hand over the mouse to close the window, but Loki's hand then covered hers and gently but firmly moved it away.
Loki double-clicked on the attached file, which had to be downloaded and saved before it could be opened.
Jane waited and watched, apprehension quickly growing inside her. She knew the context of that message; she knew nothing good was going to be in that file. She just hoped Loki, who was leaning over her so closely that his chest brushed her shoulder, didn't completely lose it when he saw whatever Tony had sent.
It was a video file; after how much they'd just been talking about Thor, Jane really hoped it wasn't video of something awful between him and Loki. She watched in confusion as the video started. Loki wasn't in it at all. A balding man in a suit and black bow tie stood at a microphone speaking to a crowd she could only see a portion of; there wasn't any sound. It was all a bit distant from the camera, and looked like maybe one of those fancy charity events that rich people went to. Then the man at the microphone and some of the others turned to something Jane couldn't see, and a second later her shoulder banged into Loki, startled as someone suddenly stepped right in front of the man, grabbed him by his neck, and dragged him away.
Her eyes widened in horror when the dark-haired attacker turned and with just one arm easily flipped the older man around and onto his back on some table-like museum piece, because the dark-haired attacker was Loki and all the pieces had fallen into place. Dr. Schäfer. Stuttgart. Loki was lifting up some kind of scanning device and she knew what he was going to do with it because she'd read it in a report and Dr. Schäfer was struggling and staring up at it and Loki was jamming it down into his eye socket and there was blood and she looked up from the blood to Loki's face and he was looking around and he was smiling.
He was smiling.
And he was walking away and he was still smiling and Dr. Schäfer was twitching and a pool of blood covered his eye and people were running.
"Jane," Loki said over a tight throat. "Would you still do it now? Would you still kill them?" Yes, he answered now, his vision filled with an image of smug self-satisfied Tony Stark. He forced it away because that would have to come later. The video was over, but Jane was still staring. He was close enough to hear how her breathing was shaky, and her hands, resting on desk, were trembling so much that her fingernails made little scratching noises on the desktop.
He looked away from her transfixed face and back to the screen, where the video had ended on a frozen image of a woman bending over the scientist, and his own back to the camera. He'd known what this video would show from the very first image; he'd instantly recognized the man who was his target, the man who had something he needed. He had no need to see in recorded images what he'd experienced himself, so while Jane watched the video, he watched Jane. What he saw sent unpleasant chills through him and put a knot in his stomach.
Jane jolted up from her chair then and Loki stumbled back a few steps in surprise.
Clutching her stomach, she pushed past him and down the short corridor and to the thick metal door, which she shoved open before running outside to the rail. She was still a step or two away when she stopped, pitched over, and threw up onto the accumulated snowdrift. Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut but she could still see eyes and blood and Loki and smiling, still feel Loki's chest pressed over her shoulder. She went to her knees, shoved her hands into the snow, and dug in, trying hard to get the continued heaving of her stomach under control. She coughed, swallowed hard, and grabbed some unsoiled snow to push into her mouth. It stung, and a moment later she realized everything either stung or hurt. With some effort she got herself upright again, and made it to the rail, which she grabbed onto to steady herself. She leaned against it, and the stinging in her hands quickly grew into a burning.
"Jane, come inside."
Jane stayed where she was, looking out toward all the rest of the South Pole buildings, though the wind was blowing snow around and all she could actually see was Ice Cube and MAPO, the other Dark Sector buildings. She really just didn't want to see Loki.
"Jane, get inside, now. Do you remember quoting me the temperature a few minutes ago?"
His words sank in and she snapped out of it and looked down at her hands – her bare hands, on the metal rail. They felt like they were on fire. She gave them a light, experimental tug, and took in a painful shuddering breath when they didn't come free. And then there was Loki again, behind her, just as before. Her whole body was shivering now, but she tried to keep herself very still, and when Loki stepped around to her side and his hands reached out and covered hers she tried even harder. She stared down at his hands and saw the left holding Dr. Schäfer down, the right dropping down hard over his eye. It was getting harder to breathe, and she squeezed her eyes shut to not see those hands anymore. The hands that had been around her neck.
Her hands began to heat up, a different kind of burn, like they were boiling. His hands then wrapped around hers and pulled them from the rail; Jane opened her eyes again and saw that much as her hands might hurt, the skin was intact and undamaged. An arm circled around her back, turning her around and nudging her forward, back to the DSL. She didn't resist; she wasn't dressed for being out here, and even if she were, she didn't really have the strength to resist at the moment, anyway.
Loki watched her in silence as she sank onto a wooden bench not far past the doorway. She was still shaking, and he didn't know if it was from the cold, weakness from getting sick, or…what she'd seen in that video. She was avoiding looking at him. "Are you all right?" he asked.
Jane put a healed hand that still felt tingly to her forehead and rubbed, then dropped it back to her lap and nodded. She didn't trust herself to speak. She had no idea what words might come out, no idea if her voice could actually produce words.
"Your hands still look a little red. Let me-"
Jane shrank away from him when he reached for her hands. She looked slowly up at him, finally, and his face was completely emotionless, impassive. She took one deep breath, coughed once, then another deep breath, and stood. Her gear was right there by the door, and she started getting it on, beginning with Big Red.
"Are you sure you're all right to go out there?" Loki asked. He thought he should offer to accompany her, but he knew what her response to that would be.
"I'll be fine," Jane got out, picking up speed with her gear and a couple of minutes later rushing out the door again.
Loki watched her go, and stared at the door afterward.
It's only fitting, he told himself, standing out in the Dark Sector Lab alone. She asked for truth. She was simply reminded of it. You thought you could be accepted by her? By anyone? You thought you could argue with her and laugh with her and play her stupid games and spend time with her friends and any of it would matter? "You're a talented liar, Brother, always have been." You spoke truly, Brother, I have lied to myself as much as Odin and Frigga ever did. That is the truth, he thought, turning back toward where the video would still be frozen on Jane's computer. That is who I am.
That moment captured in the video had been exhilarating. Exactly the rush he'd needed after being cooped up underground, slinking about in the dark. An entrance. A spotlight. Cries of fear. A task accomplished. Utter chaos, with him at its center, controlling it all. The most powerful man in the building. The most powerful man in the realm.
It was better that she knew, that she remembered. That he remembered. He had grown complacent around her, telling her things he never should have, would never have dreamed of telling her in the beginning. He had grown too comfortable. Too relaxed. Too…too something. It didn't matter. It would end now, whether he wanted it to or not. He'd reached out to further heal her hands, and she'd pulled away from him instinctively, like she had when she first knew who he was, when he'd first tried to heal her hands of frostbite. At that time, though, she'd looked at him with fear. It wasn't fear on her face this time. It was disgust.
Loss. That was what he felt, he realized, with no small degree of displeasure. More loss. But then he laughed at himself. What loss? How many times must you learn this lesson? You can't lose what you never had. You have never truly had anything to have lost in the first place, Jane least of all.
Loki took a long, slow breath, and straightened his posture. "I apologize for my unkind thoughts, Tony Stark," Loki announced to the empty building. "I shall in fact have to express my gratitude toward you. You have succeeded in ridding Jane of an illusion, and unwittingly doing the same for me."
/
"ladyblakeney99" came across the following Loki/Jane fanart, unrelated to this story but at times quite appropriate, isn't it? Replace the spaces with dots, and delete any spaces that keep popping up in the "so-i-sort-of" etc. part; a shame this site makes it so cumbersome to provide links. hannahyesss tumblr com/post/62762983271/uhhhh-so-i-sort-of-ship-jane- and-loki-a-little
Saw TDW last night. LOVED IT. Am working on a set of "Top 10" lists for the movie that I'll put on my blog (address on profile page). The "Top 10 Delights" list already has eleven items. I'll see it again today and hopefully get that up today or tomorrow. I'd love to hear your additions & (dis)agreements!
Back to Beneath, and previews for Ch. 74 "Regrets": Loki and Jane both have to deal with what's in that video, and it isn't easy for either of them; Loki makes progress with Pathfinder; Thor has what you might call a bad day.
And excerpt:
She nodded. "I don't have much choice, do I? It's just…it's hard to look at you and think…or…not think… Has anything changed? You didn't know any humans then. If you had it to do over again, would you still do that? What you did to Heinrich Schäfer?"
Loki held her gaze and put every ounce of control he had into not showing the slightest reaction.
As always, thanks for your reviews, favorites, etc. Weird trivia fact for this chapter. I probably sunk an hour into figuring out the name of the character Loki did his eye-thing to. Only to realize it's perfectly visible in a short shot of a computer screen in the movie. I found the actor's name long before I found the character's! And I have no idea how to put umlauts (the two little dots) into here, nor do I care to try to figure it out; "Schäfer" is purely due to copy/paste. And why deal with this scene specifically? In my mind it's the most heinous thing he does in Avengers, specifically because of that look of delight on his face, and also because he did this with his own bare hands, so I felt it had to be dealt with.
"wakemydreaams" and "emi," I don't know how it's even possible to read all this in one night, but welcome to the story and hats off to you! "wakemydreaams," your PM function is disabled, just letting you know in case that's by accident (as it was in another reviewer's case way back when).