The past is just lessons learned
Light it up and let it burn
Chapter 2: Everything's gone but the pain carries on
A lifetime ago Tamlin would've found it utter bliss to wake up like this, tangled in Lucien's arms while the morning sun began to shine down upon them.
He still found some joy in said moment, but unlike his naive youthful self, he now knew there was no hope of turning such bliss into his everyday. Lucien deserved much better.
Tamlin felt somewhat more settled into his new routine. Long warm baths had become a thing of the past when left to his own devices, but given that he had guests now it was required of him to keep himself presentable.
Stepping into the sun still bothered him, but for at least he wasn't doing it to keep Rhysand and his lackeys away. The lack of boundaries of the Night Court was beginning to irk him.
Once the sun rays no longer blinded him, Tamlin could see that the once withered yard had a much better aspect. Already the land was adapting to the change of High Lord, showing how much more stable its new master was.
'Good. This one is worthy of carrying the crown.'
Tamarand was waiting for him at the chosen garden. His brother was excitedly waving at him and waging his tail, ready to being his training.
"Good morning Tamlin! Did you rest well?"
"Yes, for the most part. You?"
"I did! I think I might've snored but can't really say."
"Well, I'm glad you're properly rested. Because if there is one thing I can guarantee you is that High Lord magic can be quite taxing."
"I'm ready to try!" Tamarand reaffirmed.
Tamlin chuckled. "Very well then, today we'll be testing the waters. I want you to make this small garden bloom again. If you're able to do so, we can start from the Rosehall gardens and then make the rest of the court bloom.
I wish to ease you into it though, this can be very taxing regardless of your good health. Should it go well we can proceed with Azalea's plan."
"Gotcha, so to heal the plants, do I use a healing spell or one of botany?"
"Healing, when you're a High Lord your land becomes an extension of your family, thus you heal it like you would a family member.
Your newfound powers will feel unstable upon first use. That is normal, you should just proceed as you've done before and eventually, the shift in power levels won't be noticeable. Just put your magic into the task at hand. Concentrate on that."
Tamarand nodded, doing exactly as he was told. Tamlin proudly looked at him as his hands began to glow green. The flowers in front of them were slowly blooming again, even trees and shrubs outside of the designated area bloomed again.
Tamlin's lips curled into a smile. He miscalculated how strong a Spring High Lord was at full power. When Tamarand opened his eyes he was panting but looked proud of his work. "I did that?" He asked in between ragged breaths.
"You certainly did, and better than expected!"
"I'm glad."
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, just a little light-headed."
He guided his brother to a nearby bench and let him sit down. "Let's wait until you're rested. Any pain or sting?"
Tamarand shook his head. "It feels as if I have an electrical tingle under my skin, but it's not painful, just a little ticklish."
Tamlin laughed. "Yeah, your first spells as High Lord will often feel like that. If we finish Rosehall today, you'll be as good as new tomorrow. Though I would recommend resting, this can be tiresome after a few hours."
"Yes sir! I'll do as asked. Aside from healing the plant life, is there anything else we must do?"
"Once the flora is restored we may start reconstruction of buildings and roads. Luce told me Autumn may be providing us workers to help ease the efforts."
"That's great! Does this mean we're allied with Autumn?"
"I don't think so. It's likely Lucien called in a favor with his brother. We can count Eris as an ally but his brothers and father are not to be trusted. They're similar to our father."
Tamarand nodded. "I'll keep it in mind.
I know this may not count for much, given that we've only met now, but I think it's admirable that you and Lucien both turned out to be such good men despite having bad fathers. It shows you're stronger than the things you've endured."
"You're very kind for saying that, and I have no doubts that in Lucien's case, this is true, but not for mine. Tamarand, there is a reason you've inherited those powers. You know that well, otherwise, you wouldn't have been so concerned during our first meeting.
For many years I thought I'd succeed at being a better man than Oisin Evergreen but fate proved me wrong three years ago. I was just as bad a partner, as bad a friend, and as bad a High Lord as he was...
I would've saved us all a lot of pain if I had just let Amrantha have me from the start. None of this would've happened-"
Tamarand immediately wrapped his arms around him tightly. "Don't you ever say something like that ever again!"
He was surprised his brother was weeping from that comment, even his wolf ears seemed downcast as he looked at him.
"You didn't deserve to be mistreated by your family nor to be put in such a position by a heinous woman twice your age!"
"But she cursed us! She took Lucien's eye! She's the reason I had to send Andras to his death! If not for the curse then I wouldn't have brought Feyre here! I wouldn't have hurt her! She wouldn't have let Hybern into the court! I'm the reason for all of this! The blood of thousands is on my hands!"
"No, it is not!
For Cauldron's sake Tamlin, no one with half a mind would ever blame you for being resistant to Amarantha's advances!
As far as I am aware Lucien has never voiced any disdain for you! No soldier ever complained about serving you! You're not at fault for the High Lady of Night's actions!
Those who've stayed have chosen to do so! Because we all believe in you!
Had I received the power of any other High Lord who survived a suicide attempt they would've had me killed to retrieve their power the moment I made them aware of the change. But you didn't, I knew you wouldn't, which is why my sister and I quickly came to you.
Crown or no crown, you're an exemplary High Lord who kept us all safe through Amarantha's tyrannical rule, worked hard to protect his court through it all, and didn't lose it out of spite, hate, or neglect but because the one who should've loved you the most instead chose to stab you in the back, and you were at your limit.
I would've broken much sooner. I can only pray that someday I'm half the High Lord you were..."
He fought the tears, as he always did in the presence of family. But unlike Oisin or his older brothers, Tamarand held onto him and gently stroked his hair. "Cry, Cry with me. Let's just let it all go."
So he did and cried bitterly for almost half an hour while his brother silently joined him. Tamrand didn't let go of him until he was silent, he wiped away his tears and helped him stand.
"Let us keep fixing the gardens. Mom will be livid if we're not in time for lunch."
Tamlin smiled. "Of course. We shall work until then.
Thank you Tamarand. I'm so glad to finally have a loving brother."
Tamrand smiled, wagging his tail with joy. "Hehe, no problem. I'm happy to have a loving brother as well!"
Lucien wasn't used to waking so late. It was almost midday when he rose from his slumber, greeted by an empty bed.
He worried for a moment before recalling the fact that there were other people in the palace. Had anything happened they would've called on him.
After he quickly went through his morning routine Lucien headed downstairs to get breakfast. The dining room was empty so he headed for the kitchen only to feel a hand on his shoulder, he quickly turned back ready to attack.
"Careful there child! I was just checking if you wanted some fruit from the pantry." Ophelia told him as she handed him an apple and they both sat down on the dining table.
"Sorry Ophelia. I just don't like it when people grab me like that."
Ophelia seemed to examine his features before nodding. "It took me 20 years to not jump whenever anyone held me by the waist from behind. I understand."
So she knew. How couldn't she? The Ambrose siblings were living proof.
"I shouldn't bring up such painful memories...but if I may ask how did you get through it? Forgetting helps me often, but whenever my mind thinks back on those icy blue eyes I freeze over and feel the disgust all over my body."
Ophelia gently held his trembling hand. "One never truly forgets such an ache, even after it heals sometimes you'll remember.
Time helps, it feels as if it was nothing but a nightmare long gone. If scars were left they don't stop stinging until they fade, and in my case, I chose to keep my three babies whom I adore, still sometimes the emerald green of their eyes gives me pause.
Ultimately I healed by putting distance between me and him, by getting love and support from those who cared for me, and most importantly by reminding myself that this would not define me.
Oisin Evergreen is nothing but a bad memory to me. My children are mine and my wife's, no one else's and he shall never get in the way of my happiness."
"I'm aware that what happened to me was just a consequence of Calanmai, that the person who hurt me is long gone still I can't help but think that if I'd done things differently she wouldn't- she couldn't have gotten to me."
"Sweetheart that's a normal thought to have. I've lost count of the times I retreated my steps and wished I never headed down that hall that particular day. It does not change the past but helps one come to terms with it.
As you said, what happened to you was a consequence of Calanmai and nothing else. That woman has no hold over you, not then, not now, not ever. You're still yourself and deserve proper love and intimacy."
"Thank you, merely talking about makes me feel better."
"I'm always here to listen dear, just come to me if you ever feel the need."
"Thank you. I really appreciate it."
He finished his snack in silence before heading out, Ophelia went back into the kitchen to finish prepping lunch. Before he step outside he saw Azalea looking through the window, concern visible on her pretty face.
"Something wrong, miss Azalea?"
"Oh, hi Lucien. I'm just worried. It seems my brothers are nearly done with gardens but there's one they've yet to see and...I don't think they'll be too pleased with it."
One glance outside was enough to make him boil. He couldn't believe it. "No! No, they can't see this!"
Tamlin had completely forgotten that his mother's garden existed, or rather that it once existed.
All that remained of it now were withered roses and torn-up bushes, there was no color visible other than dull green and grey, no sweet scent of roses to be carried by the wind, and no birds left to sing as he approached.
For almost a year he'd been blocking the memory until they walked into that area and he nearly threw up.
Azalea and Lucien were already there. His sister was examining the withered rose bushes while Lucien held a dead white rose in his hand, the flower soon turned to dust carried away by the wind.
"Did Feyre do this?!" Lucien's voice was loaded with anger, he had never heard him speak in such a deep and dangerous tone.
He should've been scared but rather he was taken aback for a moment before speaking. "Feyre didn't do this. I did."
Lucien's face fell, Azalea and Tamarand too looked surprised as if he'd just confessed to some grave secret.
"W-Why? Tamlin, why would you?" Lucien's tone changed from enraged to sweet and he quickly went to hug him. "What happened?"
"I can't stand roses anymore. Their sight, their scent, their thorns, all of it has become poison to me! Ever since the war ended, since she left...she took my love for roses away.
The garden must've known this, because despite it all I wanted to care for it, to water the flowers and keep them alive for my mother's sake. I came here to care for the flowers and found thorny vines all around the vicinity. The bushes, the pots, the floor, everything was covered in thorns!
I got so mad I lost it and started ripping everything apart. The bushes, the plants, the thorns, all of it was gone in mere minutes and I haven't come back since..."
Tamlin felt the guilt pulsing deep inside his chest, this was the only place in the entire estate that belonged to his mother and only to his mother, yet he had destroyed it in a fit of rage. Then again, it wasn't the first time he destroyed the sanctuaries of his loved ones.
Lucien winced, he remembered that a year ago upon visiting Tamlin was wearing gloves. At the time he didn't give it much thought but now he knew, and he felt awful.
"Oh Tam, I'm sorry." He told him as he held onto his hands and kissed them. "This should've never been taken from you."
Was it taken from him, or did he just give it up like the did the court? Maybe a different Lord would've fought to keep things in order, but Tamlin just let himself waste way as his court was emptied out and his own flowers rose against him. It was what all deserved.
No, no it wasn't. Maybe he deserved to be taken down after what he did to Feyre, but his court didn't deserve this, nor did his mother's legacy. He had to atone for them, he had to leave them all in good hands.
"I believe there is a solution to this problem. Brother, did your mother tend to this garden herself?" Azalea asked.
"Yes. As a child, I often helped her change the soil and water the plants."
"Then this is still her place, we just need to remove the roses and replace them with a different flower."
That could work, he wouldn't want his mother's sanctuary to be completely ruined, but still, he knew roses were her favorites. 'I wonder just what other flower could compare.'
The answer came to him when he glanced at Lucien. He had many memories of them playing in the gardens together, one spring afternoon he'd been comforting the redhead after Beron had given him a black eye.
"I wish I could take his power and become the High Lord! Then I could punish him for being so cruel!"
He knew the feeling all too well. Tamlin picked some nearby daisies and quickly made a makeshift crown. Lucien's face was buried in his hands until he felt the slight weight of the flower crown upon his head.
His teary russet eyes fell on Tamlin's emerald ones, and the blonde smiled.
"It's not much compared to a crown of maple, bronze, and ruby, but for now you can pretend that you're High Lord of the Autumn Court!"
Lucien cracked a smile and picked some daisies too. He made a crown for him and gently placed it on Tamlin's head. "There, you're now High Lord of the Spring Court!"
"Then, would you be my ally Lord Lucien?"
"Always."
Tamlin smiled, there was no more fitting choice for a new beautiful garden. "Can we plant daisies?"
Lucien glanced at him. He remembered a time when they both thought the only crowns they'd get would be made of woven daisies and wild weeds. A smile curled upon his lips. "Daises have always been my favorites."
"Then daisies it is! All we need to do is get rid of the roses." Azalea beamed.
"Lea, should we burn them down? You know that thing that mom does with the ashes."
"It would be good for the soil to feed off ashes, but this isn't our garden to tend to." Azalea looked at him. "What would you have us do, Tamlin?"
He hesitated for a moment, they'd be burning down the last flowers Rosabella ever planted. 'But what good are withered roses to the dead?'
"Burn them down."
"Are you sure?" Lucien asked, he had a small flame resting in the palm of his hand, ready to set ablaze the garden.
Tamlin looked at it one last time, the memory was far sweeter than seeing it up close. Perhaps that wasn't the memory but the comfort he once had. In days long gone it was as if his mother's presence still inhabited the garden, but there was no comfort anymore, just thorns.
"Yes. Burn it all down, to the last petal."
Lucien nodded, walking over to the nearest withered rosebush. The flames engulfed it quickly enough and soon the whole garden was set ablaze.
Tamlin felt Lucien take his right hand, Azalea took his left, and Tamarand placed one of his on Tamlin's back. Not a word was said between any of them, but he felt far more comforted now than he ever did in that garden. This time he did not shed any tears.
The flames burned brightly as they consumed the twigs and thorns, as quickly as it started the bright fire snuffed out, leaving only a barren and ashy field. 'It's gone.'
"Lea, go tell Mom we need daisy seeds. I'll go get the shovels."
The new plants wouldn't be grown magically, instead, his brother insisted they all planted the new seeds together and helped care for them as a family. Tamlin hadn't realized he missed gardening the old-fashioned way until his fingers touched the warm ground as he covered the seeds with soil. He smiled, treating each tiny seed as delicately as Rosabella once did. Once every seed was planted and watered they all stepped out of the garden.
"There we go, now every palace garden is taken care of! Thanks for your help Tamlin!" Tamarand said as he bowed to him.
He didn't expect any gratitude for teaching Tamarand the ropes, after all this was the least he could do for leaving such a barren court for his brother to inherit.
Still, Tamlin smiled and bowed as well. "It's been my pleasure to have such a good student."
He could see Lucien and Azalea smiling at them too. His sister looked at the entrance where Ophelia was waving at them to hurry inside.
"Time for lunch everyone!"
They all headed inside, Tamlin felt Lucien pulling him close, as he did when they were kids and he was upset. He didn't say anything and just leaned into the familiar touch.
Azalea had retired to the alchemy laboratory after finishing lunch. As tempting as spending time with her family was, she knew she had to get these potions done before the population returned to the court.
She heard a knock on the door, Tamlin timidly peeked into the lab. "Huh, didn't think this place still worked."
"It does, just needed a good clean, and beautiful potion master!" She said proudly.
"While that is true, I don't know if this is your best look." He teased.
Azalea's long brown hair had been tied into a very messy bun, she wore safety goggles, an apron, and thick gloves. The bubbling tiny cauldron in front of her was not helping the matter either.
"You never know, I could marry a man who prefers scholar ladies."
"Fair enough, I came to get you for dinner. Ophelia said that you'd stay here all night if we let you."
"She's right. I lose track of time when working. I'll be there soon."
"Not falling for that one. Lucien used to say that and would stay in the library for another two hours. I'm staying with you until you're done."
She rolled her eyes and laughed. "You've settled well into your role of big brother."
Tamlin looked bashful but accepted the compliment. "Thank you, it's new territory for me to have good siblings."
"Trust me, we'll take good care of you too. Tamarand is very excited to have a brother and I'm glad you're still with us. Daphne would be thrilled too."
"I would've loved to meet her."
Thinking of her sister was a double-edged sword. She felt so proud and happy whenever Daphne's sweet smile crossed her mind but then she'd remember that said smile would never be seen again, and that's when the tears would come without pause.
This time she didn't cry. There were more reasons to smile than to weep. Her remaining family was together and helping rebuild her childhood home, she had a new lab to work in and in just a couple of days, Tamlin seemed to be in a much better mood.
After adding turmeric to the cauldron she took a small taste and nodded, filling up and sealing a glass bottle with the purple liquid. "I'm done. Here, this one is for you."
"What is this?"
"Nourishment potion. I made it for both crops and consumption. You need a boost."
"I don't need to-"
Tamlin's words died on his lips when she raised a gloved finger at him. "Don't bother. I am a healer and my mothers both sew without needing measurements, you think I can't tell if someone is underweight by just looking."
Tamlin sighed defeated. "It doesn't matter, Azalea. Don't waste healing supplies on a terminal case."
She took offense to that but refrained from showing any aggressiveness. Azalea knew all too well that the more you pushed a person in that state the less they'd respond, also she didn't want him to be reminded of their violent father.
With care, she removed her lab gear and placed it on a nearby stool. Then she walked over to her brother and hugged him. "I know nothing of your past other than it was painful, nothing of your relationship other than its end, and nothing of your current pain other than what brought us all here.
Tamlin, I'm well aware that I can't convince you to stay alive with words alone, but with my actions, I shall prove to you that there's a myriad of reasons for you to live.
I was once facing the precipice you now stand at, though for a different ache."
Azalea let him go, she lifted the sleeve of her dress to reveal faded pink scars on her wrists.
"They are almost gone now, but you wouldn't have wanted to see how horrid these looked when I made them.
Two years ago the village we lived in was attacked. It was the day we lost Daphne.
The sky was black, the soldiers came in droves and despite my healing magic, I could do little for those that they attacked.
Their general thought it would be best to kill me and keep the enemy soldiers and civilians from being healed.
Tamarand took the hit for me, that's how he got his facial scar. The general overpowered him and tossed him down the cliff near the healer's tent, it was back to me and Daphne. We both used magic but back then neither of us knew proper offensive spells, just mild attacks, and healing.
This wasn't enough to fight back that man, and in the struggle to kill him, he repeatedly stabbed Daphne. I finally managed to overpower him when he was distracted, cut off his head in half like a venus plant, but it was too late because my baby sister had been torn open and there was no stitching spell or potion to heal such a wound."
Azalea felt tears spilling but didn't bother to stop them, Tamlin held onto her again as she continued recounting the events of that day.
"Daphne would've spent a while bleeding out in pain unless I put her out of her misery. I begged her not to at first, but I knew well how much her wound would hurt and how long it would take for her to leave us. So I grabbed a pair of operating scissors and stabbed her in the heart once she said her last goodbye...I won't ever forget that sound, her face, and the scream I let out upon feeling her go limp in my arms. That will all haunt me forever.
Our family fractured that day. Mom lost so much weight not wanting to eat after her youngest babe died. Mama was silent and steely but you could hear her cry at night with Mom if you listened attentively, Tamarand went into wolf form and didn't speak a word, he was feral and heartbroken and would spend all his time pacing near the box where we keep Daphne's ashes.
I lost myself too, often trying to break my skin to feel a fraction of what my sister was put through because of me. I'm not as fond of shifting as Tamarand but I learned how to grow claws just for that purpose. He found me one night when I was cleaning my wounds.
His eyes went wide as he saw every scar from shoulder to fingertip dripping red onto the floor. Got out of wolf form immediately, and just held me tightly.
We both cried together for seemingly hours until he spoke. 'We can't. We can't leave our mothers, we can't meet Daphne again like this. We can't go on until we heal.'
He was right of course. And so we began a difficult and painful process that has taken two years and counting, because Tamlin dear, despite the calm you see before you now, none of us have fully healed perhaps we never will, but we stay. We stay because we're needed because we're loved because there is much to be achieved before meeting Daphne again.
That girl wanted me to learn every ancient spell I could, to see a major city in every court, to get married and have children, to enjoy life to the fullest. I swore to her that I would before granting her peace, that is an oath I am fulfilling until my time is up.
Your ache, your situation, and your feelings are all different than mine, I understand that, but we both have others waiting, others that want us to live before we meet them.
Don't stay for me, for our mothers, for Tamarand, or even Lucien, stay for yourself! Stay and heal, and see the flowers bloom again with the sun shining upon you like you're blessed! Stay and prove every damn person wrong when they say Lord Tamlin Evergreen is dead in life! Stay because you deserve to, because you're allowed to because you want to!
Stay, just stay alive. It'll be alright."
He'd been crying with her silently. Tamlin said nothing as he kept rubbing her back. Eventually, she heard his raspy weeping voice. "I'm never going to be the man I once was, though I'm unsure if I can even be called a man rather than a shell of one. Because for all the strength and pride I once had, I was also a fucking coward who should've never worn a crown!
My court fell twice because of me! I hurt my bride, hurt my best friend, and let so many innocents die and ache because of my foolishness and so that proves well I don't deserve to breathe! I don't even deserve the honor of seeing this court rebuilt!
I stay only for the court's sake because I have nothing to offer or live for on my own. I cannot rise as you did. I'm done."
"How can you say you're not worthy of a crown when telling me this proves you've got the strength of a rightful High Lord?
If you were truly a worthless coward you would've perished before Tamarand and I reached your doorstep. You wouldn't have cared to train him or to even make amends. You wouldn't be hurt by the thorns if you were apathetic to being buried by them. You do not see it yet, but you shall soon.
Until then, we will all take care of you. Because you're worthy of this and much more. Oh, dear brother, you're the only worthy High Lord this court has had thus far, it's about time you realized it."
Azalea stood on her tiptoes and kissed his forehead. Leaving him alone in the lab to take in what she said.
'Let this be enough, for now at least, please be enough.' She prayed silently as she walked the halls of the manor, still leaving enough space for someone to walk beside her.
No one would, other than the cold wind and the faint scent of fresh daphnes.
Lucien was by no means a light sleeper, but hearing a window crack did make him jolt awake.
Tamlin was sleeping soundly by his side, exhausted physically and emotionally, so Lucien decided to let him sleep.
He got out of the room, liting a flame on his palm, and using it as a light. The windows of the hall were intact, but he noticed the door to the library was ajar.
'I highly doubt anyone is reading this late.'
Lucien carefully snuck in, there was no one there that he could see but one of the windows was broken. He walked over to check how much glass would have to be cleaned, as he bent down to examine the damage he heard a voice whisper his name.
"Who's there?!" He asked trying to light the room.
"You don't remember the sound of my voice any more? How sad...I thought you said you'd love me forever, Lucien."
He nearly fainted upon seeing a familiar figure walk over to where he was. Jesminda looked just as she did on the day he lost her. Same white dress, same pale skin, same brown eyes and long black curls, and worst of all same red gashes all over, including the one on her neck just where the sword had made the cut that took her head.
"No...no it's not you. This is a nightmare, this isn't real!"
"Oh, but it is. My death was very real, it is also real that you were the reason for it!"
Jesminda never used such a mocking tone, this had to be a nightmare or an illusion, but try as he might, he couldn't wake up.
"What's wrong dear? Feeling guilty? It's a little too late for that now that my head won't stay in place. You haven't even come to see my grave, your brother has visited me more than you!"
"I can't go back to Autumn! You know that! I didn't mean for this to happen, I kept you a secret, I made plans for us to marry and keep you safe...I didn't mean for this to happen!"
"You never do and yet things happen anyway. It's no surprise I won't be the last beloved you let die."
Before he could question that claim Lucien noticed another figure nearby. It was Tamlin, seemingly sleeping on the floor, but then he noticed the bloody puddles around him. 'No not again!'
He knew this was either an illusion or a bogge trying to mess with him, but couldn't help himself from rushing towards the body of the bleeding Tamlin.
His heart still raced, and he still trembled as he felt how cold Tamlin was, and the amount of blood was going to make him sick. He couldn't bear this again. 'Don't leave me!'
The ground trembled underneath him. He turned around to see the ghostly Jesminda being held back by vines. Tamlin was at the door of the library using his magic to keep her and his double bound. "Burn them!" He ordered.
He didn't hesitate to do when he was certain that Tamlin was actually safe. Both beings let out a scream and attempted to flee through the broken window but a force seemed to be holding them back like puppets.
Azalea had arrived and was standing beside Tamlin by the door. She was pulling the burning creatures toward her as they screeched, by the time they died they were quiet at her feet, limp and burnt.
"That was quite a scare." She said as she grabbed the charred bodies. "I'll take this to the lab for examination."
Only he and Tamlin remained in the library. The blonde walked over to where he was and silently held him. Lucien hadn't noticed he was crying.
"It was Jess, wasn't it?"
"Yes. She had every mark and bruise from that day...The other one was you when I found you bleeding out."
Tamlin winced. "I'm sorry."
"No, I am sorry. Had I not left-"
"Luce, trust me when I tell you it wouldn't have made a difference."
The finality in his voice should've scared him, instead, it just broke his heart. Lucien hugged him so tightly for a moment he was scared to break him.
"Please don't leave me, Tam. I can't live without you anymore!"
Tamlin didn't answer, instead, he picked him up in a bridal carry. Lucien often got flustered by that, but tonight he just laid his head upon Tamlin's shoulder and let him carry him back to their room.
If not for their physical changes it was as if they traveled back to the night when Jesminda died. He was just as disturbed, being carried away by Tamlin who placed him on the bed and let him cry until his eyes stung.
Despite his frail appearance, Tamlin could still carry him, and he held him just as tightly. His big hands weren't covered in blood this time, but rather gentle and cold as they caressed his back and stroked his hair.
"I should've stopped them, Tam! Maybe if I kept away, maybe if I never met her!"
The same words he said that day but this time more bitter than sad, because he knew the inevitable end of it all.
His russet eye looked up at Tamlim, the former lord was also crying looking at him tenderly just as he did that day.
"We don't know what would've happened Luce. The past is already written and gone, we can change it. All we can try to do is burn it."
They both burned a bit of their painful pasts today. He had to burn away painful memories regarding his first love, and Tamlin had to burn away the roses that now gave him nothing but pain.
Lucien took Tamlin's hand giving it a gentle squeeze. "There's a lot in my past that I have to burn, but none of it has to do with you. You're honestly the best part of my past, Tam. I mean it. I can no longer live without you."
Tamlin probably didn't believe him, there was a long way to go before his beloved friend recovered, but Lucien was here and he would remind him how loved he was every day if he had to.
"You're the best part of my past too, the only one I care to treasure. Be happy for me, okay? Just be happy Luce."
He wanted to argue and tell Tamlin he deserved to be happy too, that the finality which with he spoke felt like a dagger to all of them, that he would follow if Tamlin left, but he didn't have the drive to argue tonight. Not when Jesminda's voice echoed in his mind and when Tamlin's bloodied body remained etched into his thoughts.
"I'm already happy here with you." Was all he could say, hoping the words eased their sorrows a little.
Tamlin heard a faint knock on the door at almost 2 a.m. Azalea was there, pressing a finger to her lips and beckoning him to follow.
"Is Lucien well?" She asked in a whisper.
"He fell asleep quickly, I'll check on him in the morning when he wakes. Do you need him too?"
"No. You can tell him tomorrow. Mama and I examined the bodies of the creatures. We have news."
Tamarand and Asteria waited for them at the library. The glass had been cleaned and the blood and ash stains were removed.
"Sorry to wake you, sweetie but there is something important you must know," Asteria told him.
"Is something wrong?"
"When I stumbled on the scene I thought the creature you were fighting was a bogge, but that can't be as said creatures cannot hurt you if you don't acknowledge them. Lucien was your emissary for years he knows this better than a peasant healer, he must've fought Bogge with you before, correct?" Azalea asked.
"Yes. We often kept them at bay along with everything else Amrantha tried to throw at us."
"Right, well then I examined the remains we got and discovered that they were in fact not bogge but a far more dangerous creature called a nightmare fiend, they're similar to bogge they feed on one's fears. Said creature hails from the Night Court." She handed him a book that showed the fiends on the page and a description of their powers.
He froze at that. Was Rhysand sending monsters to torment him?! No one knew of the High Lord change yet, they didn't plan to reveal anything until the court was fully populated again. So that damn bat probably thought he was the only one wasting away in a ruined manor.
"I know what you're thinking, but I suspect this is more of a neglect case. Mama visited Dawn today to look for people to move here upon rebuilding, apparently, there are Night monsters there too.
Seems like the inner circle has yet to take care of Amarantha's remaining creatures." Tamarand spoke, he sounded enraged.
"Sweetie unless an issue affects their precious Velaris, they won't care. I've lived there and don't intend to go back." Asteria too was angry but her rage felt more tranquil as if mixed with resignation.
Tamlin's hands curled into fists. The fact that man dared to come here and berate him for the state of his court when he was doing nothing to fix his own was repulsive.
He was even more pissed at the fact that the 'High Lady' did nothing as well, considering how happy she was to let Hybern in, to destroy his court and half of summer, to absolutely break him in every way possible for not daring to give an inexperienced woman the same power he held. Yet when she finally got what she wanted she didn't care to use it, not in any meaningful way at least.
'I can't believe I came to love her...' He regretted.
Tanlin decided not to dwell on such a matter lest he get even more upset. "Does being under the fiend's spell cause any damage? I don't want anything to happen to Lucien."
"Don't worry dear, Lucien will be okay. Just be sure that if either you or him fall under the fiend spell you attack it. Unlike bogge they're not defeated with perception but just plain ol' wacking."
He chuckled. "Very well. Thank you all for telling me this. I'm going back to bed."
"We all should go. I'll salt the windows just in case more Night creatures try to get here. I have an inkling his lordship won't be fixing anything until it concerns him."