All I Need to Hear
Chapter 1: Smiles, Squeals, Champagne and Chaos
The morning could have been a completely normal one, save for the fact that Hermione knew it wasn't.
She'd been woken up by Ginnys' violently grinning face inches from her own before the sun had even thought about rising, and even though she'd tried hard to roll herself into the blankets like a caterpillar in it's cocoon, the redhead just wouldn't let her.
"Come on, Hermione!" She trilled, tugging with strangely strong fingers on the covers Hermione had wrapped around her face. "Ange and Katie will be here soon. The photographer is due at 7, the Cosmetiwitch at 8, and she's doing your hair as well. We need to have breakfast and oh my gosh I'm so excited! It's your wedding day!" At those words Ginny had begun to jump on the bed and Hermione groaned.
"Alright, alright… I'm up." She'd conceded defeat a half second later, if only to get Ginny to stop bouncing her around like a pingpong ball. She felt like she was going to be ill and as she swung her legs off the bed, she dropped her head to her hands and sucked in some deep breaths.
It was her wedding day. The day in which she would be marrying Ronald Weasley, the love of her life...
"Come. Mum's made breakfast. Fleur and Gabrielle will be here any minute too." Ginny bounced once beside her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I'm so excited to have you officially as a sister."
Hermione gave a weak smile and nodded as Ginny rose to her feet.
"I'm going to grab a shower to wake up." She muttered, rubbing the sleep from her burning eyes. "I'll be down in a minute."
That minute turned into 20 and Ginny hammered on the door twice before Hermione decided she couldn't avoid it any longer. Dressed in fancy bridal undergarments and a white silk robe with Bride emblazoned on the back in rhinestones, Hermione entered the kitchen to a hurricane of smiles, squeals, champagne and chaos.
Molly had put on a full spread that a pregnant Fleur was tucking into without waiting for anyone else; Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell were lining up glasses, one pouring the champagne and the other pouring the orange juice and Gabrielle Delacour was fiddling with a muggle boombox in the corner.
Ginny gave a squeal when she spotted Hermione and dragged her into the mix, pressing a fresh mimosa into her hands.
Everyone spoke to her at once and she sucked back the drink in an effort to not answer any of them.
"I'm dying to see your dress, Hermione!" Angeline chirped, handing her a second mimosa.
"Jaques did a magnifique job. It's truly is a masterpiece." Fleur smiled, a hand rubbing her stomach.
"I think it's better than Fleurs was." Gabrielle added, the music drowning out Fleurs scoff of protest. The designer was the best in all of Wizarding Europe and Fleur had gifted the garment as a wedding present for Hermione. She eyed it where it hung off the rafter in the living room, trying not to think that it was the exact opposite of what she wanted in a dress.
"Oh no, there's no way it's – "
"Eat up, Hermione. The hair and makeup artist will be here soon. We want to make sure that champagne doesn't go to your head." Molly slid some bacon and eggs onto the plate in front of her and Hermione had to hold her breath to keep from gagging. She wasn't hungry in the slightest.
From that moment on, the rest of the morning was a real blur. A photographer arrived at some point and started taking photos with an obnoxiously old-fashioned flash bulb. The Cosmetiwitch spelled and glamoured Hermione's face and hair into submission for what felt like hours. People kept talking to her and handing her things and she think she smiled but she couldn't be sure, because there was a ringing in her ears that was getting louder and louder with each passing second.
It wasn't until Molly Weasley was presenting an absolutely divine gown to her that she knew she couldn't go through with the day but also knew she had to.
She wasn't excited like she should be on her wedding day. She wasn't cooing over the dress like her bridesmaids, wasn't giddy at the prospect of marrying the man she loved.
She was numb and panicking because this wasn't what she wanted at all and now it was too late to back out.
"Oh Hermione, you look stunning." Molly Weasley whispered with tears in her eyes and Hermione looked down at herself. She was in the dress, somehow. God she hoped she'd at least smiled a little for the photos. Her mouth was so dry and she couldn't remember the last word she'd uttered past "good morning" and "thank you." Someone had mentioned nerves, thank Merlin, and she hoped that everyone believed that that was all she was suffering.
"Hermione?" Ginny said softly, her hand finding Hermione's shoulder. "Are you ok?"
"Of course." Hermione shook herself to look at her fiancés' youngest sibling and her longtime friend. "I didn't sleep well, nerves you know. I think the champagne for breakfast has gone right to my head." She gave a sheepish laugh Ginny smiled brightly. She took Hermione's hand in hers.
"Nothing to be nervous about but I totally get it. You remember my wedding day, right?" She laughed and Hermione managed an actual smile at the memory. Ginny had been so much of a wreck that she'd vomited in the flowerbed outside the church in Godrics Hollow. "It's silly to think about it now but it's a big day, so many eyes on you… but only one pair of eyes matter." She winked and Hermione felt the natural smile freeze.
"Of course." She nodded, feeling the fruit salad she'd forced down roil in her stomach.
A click and a flash appeared in her peripheral and she jumped from fright.
"Sorry, love. You two were too good to pass up. Memories, you know?" The photographer grinned. "Lovely dress by the way, mind if I get a couple more? I know the Prophet will want to do a spread."
Hermione nodded dumbly, smoothing her hands down the sleek fabric. It was a beautiful dress, there was no denying it. Hand crafted from spidersilk, it looked and moved as if it were made of liquid and shone like a galaxy had been buried between the threads. The sweetheart bodice fit her like a glove and truly she'd never felt more beautiful. She couldn't be ungrateful if she felt beautiful, right?
Another hour passed in a blur of laughter and flashes. Ginny, Angelina, Katie, Fleur and Gabrielle flitted around her in their bridesmaids' dresses doing last minute checks on bouquets and hair and speeches, while Hermione sat and looked around the place that had become home to her, wondering how to tell someone – anyone – that this wasn't what she wanted. That she felt forced into marrying her childhood sweetheart and hadn't had a chance to really live after almost dying in the war.
It wasn't that she didn't love Ron. She loved him in a way a girl could love a boy who she'd known since she was eleven. The same way a woman could love a man who she'd been through mortal peril with. The same way someone loved their friend... but she wanted more. She wanted to travel, to explore the wizarding world and see if she could do some good in places that might have needed it after the war.
But Ron hadn't wanted that. He'd wanted to play Quidditch and settle down and she was expected to do just that.
She loved him so deeply, but she wasn't in love with him. She didn't know what love really was. Her parents had been so in love and she always figured she'd have something like that; but her only experience had been Viktor Krum at 14 and Ronald Weasley at 18…and neither of them had been the butterfly, warm, gushy feeling that her mother had once described.
"You'll just know, darling." Her mother had assured her, smoothing back her frizzy curls and placing a kiss to her forehead. "It's just something you know."
Stars, she missed her mother. She missed her and her father so much and getting married without them felt all kinds of wrong –
"Harry's here, 'Mione." Gabrielle called out in her sing-song voice, pulling her from the tailspin she'd found herself in, thinking about her parents.
She hadn't even heard the crack of him apparating but there he was, right in front of her, his green eyes full of concern as if he knew what she was thinking. She wiped her hands to the corners of her eyes hastily, hoping she hadn't accidentally made herself cry with thoughts of her mother.
"Can we have a minute, ladies?" He asked, giving his wife a quick kiss and a wink before he nodded to the door. "We'll be right behind you. I just want a moment with my best friend."
The girls all agreed, Katie giving her hand a squeeze while Angelina kissed her cheek. Fleur, Gabrielle and Ginny did the same and then they were gone and Harry was kneeling in front of her and reaching for her hands.
They heard five cracks as the Bridesmaid's apparated away.
"Hermione?"
"It's nothing, Harry." She assured him, hating that he could read her like an open book.
"Really? Because last I checked you're not meant to be crying right now…"
"Just leave it, ok?" She snapped, a little more forceful than she'd intended. His eyes widened behind the round frames and he squeezed her fingers.
"What's going on, Hermione?" He asked and with those three, simple words the gates opened and her tears began.
"I can't do this, Harry." She said, trying to force breath into her lungs. They seemed to have stopped working the second he took her hands. "I… I can't. This dress is so tight and I think I ate something bad because I want to be sick and it's all wrong Harry; I can't breathe."
His hands tightened around hers and he pulled her into his chest. It was like fifth year all over again, after the game Ron had been the Hero and he'd kissed Lavender Brown in front of her. Harry had let her cry on his shoulder then too.
"Shh, Hermione it's ok. Lean forward, that's it… Focus on breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth… that's it… that's perfect…"
He rubbed her back and pulled her hair from her neck.
"Oh god Harry I don't want this and I feel like such an awful person." She muttered as she tried to follow his instructions. "I love him but I thought my life would be different. I thought I'd… I'd… I don't know what I thought… "
"It's alright, Mione. You're just anxious. Stressed. You remember what I was like on my wedding day to Ginny."
Harry had vomited in the same flowerbed not 25 minutes before Ginny had.
"Yes but that was different Harry. That was… you… wanted that… you love Ginny..."
"What do you mean?" Harry asked, holding her as her shoulders shook. She blinked, realising that she messed up the bottle green of his dress robes with her made-up face. "Hermione… what do you mean?" He asked again when she was quiet for too long.
She froze, holding her breath as her vision dotted with black.
"I don't want to marry Ron, Harry." She croaked, her quiet voice sounding like a whip in the silent room.
"Oh." Was all he said and she tried to sit up immediately.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm such a bloody fool. I don't know why I went along with it…" She started to panic as she realised what she'd said and who she'd said it to. Harry might have been walking her down the aisle but he was Ron's best friend. He and Ron had been inseparable since before she even knew who he was. Ron was and always would be more important to Harry Potter than anyone else. "Don't worry about it, Harry. Forget I said anything. I'm just nervous is all." She breathed deeply and pulled herself together from the very base of her being.
She tried to extract herself from his iron hold, but he fought her. He held her tightly and pulled her back into his chest.
"It's alright, Hermione. I… I think I knew that." He said softly and she froze against him.
"What?"
"Something's been off for a little while now. I couldn't figure it out but it's this, isn't it? You don't love him."
"No, I do." She breathed, shaking her head vigorously. "I love him, so much… but I don't think it's in the way I should. I just went along with it thought because it's what was expected of me and after the war I didn't have to think – I didn't want to think." She amended, acutely aware that her trauma had manifested in strange ways.
She was Hermione Granger, brightest witch of their age, who had helped Harry Potter defeat the Dark Lord. It had been expected of her to maintain that image. Everyone had expected her to finish her last year at Hogwarts, join the ministry, marry Ron Weasley. In the 5 years since the war had officially been declared as over, she'd just gone along with everything that the public wanted her to be.
But this was a life sentence, one she was sure she didn't real want.
Harry was quiet for a long time, so long that she was sure he was trying to think of a way to convince her to just go through with it – but then he didn't.
"You can't marry him, Hermione." He said quietly and tears burned her eyes.
"What else can I do, Harry?" She asked. She gestured around to the Burrow where she'd been welcomed with open arms. "They're going to hate me if I don't… this place, these people, they're the only family I have."
A sob choked her as she thought of her parents, blissfully unaware and childfree in Australia. Her magic had been too good and had been working in their minds for too long by the time the war had ended. If she had tried to undo it, there'd been an incredible risk that they would have been permanently brain damaged. She knew that she couldn't put them through that. She she'd left them, and the Weasley's had basically adopted her. Molly and Arthur were her parents, the Weasley children were her siblings and this was her family home.
But only if she married Ron.
"They won't hate you -"
"Ron will. I'm leaving him at the altar… It will hurt him, and Molly will side with him. Arthur will side with Molly and so will the boys. I can't ask Ginny to not choose her brother -"
"No one has to choose, Hermione." Harry shook his head. "I wouldn't."
"Yes, they do. You would have to, Harry." She squeezed her eyes shut. "They have to choose and I lose every – "
A crack sounded outside the Burrow and Hermione froze.
"Harry? Hermione?" Ginny called as the door clicked open.
Hermione sat back and touched her face, knowing she was going to have to fix it somehow. No setting spell was that good.
"We're coming, love." Harry called back, his hands still wrapped around Hermione's. Ginny's gaze fell on them both and her brow creased with concern.
"Is everything ok?"
"My parents." She blurted out before Harry could speak. "I miss my parents."
She dug her nails into Harry's thumb to shut him up as Ginny's face crumpled.
"Oh darling." She said softly. "I wondered what had been bothering you all day. I should have known." She swooped over to them, the sage green silk dress floating a little behind her. She knelt before Hermione, beside Harry, and placed her hands over theirs. "You've been off all day, I didn't even think."
"No, it's ok. I didn't think I'd be so effected either." She admitted. It was a half-truth. She really did wish her parents were there to see her married. Harry's green eyes bore into the side of her face. "Harry and I have just been talking. He understands, you know?"
"Of course. We were a little worried when you guys didn't arrive after 10 minutes but I totally understand. Do you need more time?" She asked. "Do you need Ron?"
"No, no. I'm ok." She shook her head vigorously, glad that it was Harry's hand she was squeezing so tightly. "How's my makeup?"
"Perfect. Antonia is the best when it comes to makeup. There's a full write up about her in Witch Weekly and the reporters have already asked for your wedding photos to do a whole spread like the one I got." Ginny grinned and stood, helping Hermione and Harry to their feet.
"Reporters." Hermione said faintly, hearing that ringing in her ears the second she was standing. Her dress felt too tight again, the weight of the shimmery, floating fabric pulling her down, down, down.
"Oh yes you know how they are. War hero wedding and Ron is the Chudley Cannon's star keeper right now. They did the same for Harry and I remember?" Ginny rolled her eyes. Harry still hadn't let go of her hands and tucked them into the crook of his arm. "They're behaving though because both Bill and Fleur have threatened them. I guess when a part-Veela and a part-werewolf threaten you, you behave." She laughed.
Hermione barely heard as she followed Ginny to the door.
This was it. She had to go through with it. She couldn't afford to lose her family because she was being selfish.
Ginny turned and looked at them both.
"Maybe you should side-along with Harry, Mione. You look a little pale even with your makeup." Her honey brown eyes shone brightly though still full of concern.
"We'll be just a moment, darling." Harry assured his wife.
There was a crack and Ginny disappeared from sight.
"Go, Hermione." Harry kissed her cheek and extracted his arm from hers.
"What?"
"Go. I'll handle them." He winked, his green eyes sparkling as brightly as his wife's had – and then he was gone, leaving Hermione alone in front of the Burrow, trying to figure out where she could run and hide.
Author Note: I've put off writing for a long time but I think I need to get back into it. This is more therapeutic than actual therapy will ever be so I'm not publishing this for you; however if you like it, please let me know. That's all I need to hear.