Beneath
Chapter One Hundred Forty-Nine – Conflict
"What is this place?" Thor asked. They stood in the middle of a corridor lined with deep metal shelves holding large brown boxes.
"Supply Arch. Storage, basically. I've actually never been in here before. Maybe we can have some more privacy here. I don't suppose you can make your own magic soundproofing like Loki?"
"No, I cannot," Thor answered, worry tightening his voice. "Has he used that on you?"
"Yes. The walls are kind of thin here, and he would do it sometimes so we could talk without worrying about being overheard."
"That's all? He did it with your consent?"
"Well…mostly with my consent. At first I didn't know he was doing it." And there they were again, close to the incident Thor could never know about, unless, as Loki had put it, she decided she wanted Loki dead. "Then he showed it to me. What the magic looks like."
"Hm," Thor said, thinking back. He'd asked about that before, more than once, ages ago, what magic looked like to Loki. Loki had rolled his eyes, Thor had pestered, Loki had eventually tried to explain it. Thor couldn't remember what Loki said. He couldn't remember exactly what he'd said, either. He remembered that it had ended in a fight that had quickly gone from friendly to fairly vicious and although they were adults by then, they'd still been young enough to get a stern lecture from Mother over it while they glared at each other in the Healing Room. Thor had never made more than half-hearted efforts to ask after that, and Loki's responses couldn't even qualify as half-hearted. Not a good memory to share with Jane. He thought of a somewhat better one. "He used it on me without my consent many times. Once he managed to lock me in my chambers with his sound blanket in place. I was shouting and banging on the door and kicking it, and no one came. It was before I had mastered flying with Mjolnir, and my chambers are very high."
"How long did he make you wait?"
"I think he would have let me wait until I rotted away from starvation," Thor answered with a laugh. "But I'm sure he also knew I'd find a way out myself. Or else our parents would eventually grow worried and come to check on me, but that would have been humiliating. I fashioned a rope and managed to rappel down to Loki's chambers. He'd closed up his balcony so I had to shatter the doors to get in, and I made sure he was picking glass slivers from his feet for a week." From the rest of his body, too – he'd gathered up some slivers and put them in Loki's bed, making the best bed he'd ever made in his life afterward to hide the evidence. Jane was grimacing and in retrospect it sounded terrible – especially to Jane since glass did much more damage to the mortals than it did to the Aesir – but he'd been a raging bull at the time, and it wasn't as though Loki hadn't done just as bad or worse to him.
"And all that time, until just a couple of years ago, you never knew he was really a Frost Giant? Not even any hints? I figured it out," she added in explanation, "while you were back on Asgard earlier today. Based on some things he'd told me about them. He'd told me how much he hated Frost Giants…but he never told me was one."
"I never had any hint at all that he was anything other than my brother, by blood."
"And today was the first time you saw him look like a Frost Giant?"
He nodded, slowly at first, then briskly, in relief. "Yes. Yes, it was the first time I saw it. I thought I had accepted this part of Loki, that it didn't make any difference, that I wouldn't look at him differently, but I did. I saw the face of my enemy and I…I could hardly look at him. I'm glad that you know, Jane. We've told no one else, and I've needed someone to talk to about it."
"That's why your father said you shouldn't come back until you could look at him like your brother?"
"Yes. That was…difficult to hear. I felt like such a liar. I called him my brother. I spoke to him of our childhood and youth, the times we spent together as both friends and brothers, but when I was put to the test…I failed. I spoke of brotherhood and he spoke of shadows…now I understand. He didn't trust my words. And his doubt had merit."
Jane squeezed his hands and waited; Thor was clearly still deep in thought, and she could tell he did need to talk about it.
"I'm afraid I've pushed him away even further now. He saw the way I looked at him. He saw how my first instinct, when I saw a Frost Giant in there, was to raise Mjolnir, even though Father had just told me that Loki would look that way." He tried to think back, to understand how his father's words could have so quickly flown from his mind. "I've been fighting every day, Jane. Fighting for Asgard's survival. Maybe it's just hard to turn that off," he said, gaze losing focus. He looked down at Jane again. "What did he look like to you? When you saw him change to appear Jotun? I ask because on Asgard we…they're the stuff of nightmares. We find their appearance…"
"Hideous?" Jane supplied when Thor didn't seem to be able to finish the sentence. "I think that's the word Loki used when he first told me about Frost Giants."
Thor winced, then nodded, more grateful than he could express that Jane was listening, that he could be honest with her, and that she did not seem to be judging him harshly.
"I was scared, at first. I didn't realize it was Loki. I thought it was somebody else, somebody who'd come after him. Once I recognized him…I don't know, I guess there were more important things to worry about. I mean, Selby was stabbed, and Loki was stabbed...I thought there was something wrong with him. I mean besides the knife wound. But to your question…yeah, most people here would find him pretty scary-looking, too. I got lucky that I knew Loki first. And when I saw him looking…Jotun?" she asked, using the word Thor had, the word she'd heard much less often than "Frost Giant," then continuing once he nodded. "I didn't have a thousand years of baggage attached to it like you did."
A thousand years of baggage, Thor thought. How do I get rid of it? Is it even possible? He had a thousand years of brotherhood, too, and that he did not want to lose.
He thought again about Loki trapping him in his chambers, him gathering slivers of glass and sprinkling them in strategic locations, never mind that his own fingertips collected miniscule pricks in the process. He missed that, missed it in a way that physically pulled at him. The pranks – especially Loki's – could be painful and humiliating, the fights could be brutal and explosive, but afterward, eventually, there would be laughter and hugs and teasing of a much lighter sort. There was no one else in the Nine Realms that Thor had a relationship like that with, and there would never be anyone else he had a relationship like that with, either. He had one brother, one boy who'd grown through his youth and into manhood right alongside him. He loved his parents, he loved his friends, he'd thought he'd loved a woman, he looked down at Jane looking up at him earnestly and thought he might truly love her, but he would never love anyone the same way he loved Loki. He had loved him still when Loki came to Midgard to tell him his father was dead, his mother had rejected him, and his banishment was permanent, and he had loved him still when Loki came to him in a dream and told him he should give up Jane as well. His love had faltered when Loki killed Phil Coulson right in front of him and sent Thor plunging to his possible death, and it had turned cold when even after all that he'd extended yet another hand to Loki and Loki had responded with a knife to his side. He hadn't lost all hope, though. He'd never lost all hope. Once Loki was defeated, he knew he'd have another chance. And in Puente Antiguo, when he thought he'd lost everything, he'd still had Jane. Jane, who was still looking up at him with those warm brown eyes. He felt the smile returning to his face.
"What were you thinking about?"
"Loss…desperation…hope and hopelessness… Jane, I didn't know that Loki would eventually be forced to take his Jotun form. I understand what Father was saying, that Loki needs to accept the facts of his birth, but I also understand what you said about him already feeling that he'd lost everything. I understand that feeling…" Thor trailed off, remembering his unfortunate first encounter with Loki here, the initial instinct to attack, then the nausea at seeing Loki with the distorted face of his childhood nightmares, the sudden gulf between them he could not bring himself to cross. The shame he'd felt over it all afterward. "I understand why he feels it, too. And then to lose even his own body…I'm sorry he had to endure that kind of humiliation. It wouldn't have been my choice."
"I'm relieved to hear that. When you finally get to talk to Loki, maybe you should tell him that."
Thor nodded, but he wasn't certain he would in fact do so. He didn't think anything he said could endear him to Loki, and he suspected Loki would think he was merely pandering if he attempted it. Nor did he wish to try to make himself look better to Loki by criticizing their father, who he knew loved Loki, too, who had been devastated by that look on Loki's face just before he let go. "Loki is stubborn beyond measure. I think Father believed it was the only way he could get Loki to listen to him."
Jane nodded, reflecting on what Odin had said about Loki being "made willing" to listen. The phrase had rubbed her the wrong way. Like he'd wanted Loki made so vulnerable and so desperate that he'd do anything to get himself out of that position.
She was blowing things out of proportion, surely. Put that way, it sounded sinister. Odin maybe didn't exactly know how to treat Loki as a son – just a son, as opposed to a subject – but he'd come here and brought Eir and made sure Loki was treated, and he had given him back his magic and his appearance. His intentions weren't sinister. But the means didn't seem all that justified. She remembered how completely lost Loki had looked, how many times she'd looked back on that ill-fated trip to Alfheim and thought how defeated he'd looked afterward. "I won't fight him," he'd said of the possibility of Iron Man's arrival. Logically, it was what she should want. But to imagine him as he was then, handing himself over, giving up, shoulders bowed under defeat and failure, no hope for his future...it was almost like a kicked puppy cowering in a corner with its tail tucked between its legs.
"I hope Loki will listen to me," Thor said, lost in his own thoughts. But it was no time to be in his own head, not when he had a rare quiet moment alone with Jane. "Were you able to sleep?" he asked.
"Yeah, some. Off and on. You didn't get any, though. You must be exhausted. All of you out there. Do you skip sleep like Loki does?"
"I would give it up entirely if I could. My mother had to order me to sleep."
"You got in trouble for staying up past bedtime and your mom made you go to bed?" Jane asked with a bemused smile.
"She is the queen of Asgard. But she doesn't normally determine my bedtime," Thor answered, smiling.
"Does she cut your meat into bite-sized pieces for you?" she teased.
"Only if I'm especially tired," he answered with a laugh. "Ah, Jane. I didn't know what it would be like. I didn't know how long it would last, how ceaseless, how…. People have died because of decisions I've made. Good, brave, loyal people. Later today, it will all begin again." He sighed. "I don't mean to burden you with this. They'll finish out there soon, and I want to enjoy the time we have. This," he said, taking her hands, "feels like the most indulgent of all luxuries. I want to indulge."
"I think you deserve it," Jane said, then looked around at the shelving and giant boxes lining the walls. "Indulge a little more and sit down on the floor with me, Your Majesty?"
"Of course, my lady," Thor said, holding back the laughter on his lips. They settled on the floor, leaning their backs against boxes.
"Did you get some coffee?"
"No. I saw that Father had some, but I missed it. Perhaps later," he added to preempt any offer. For now, he was happy right where he was, and with exactly what he had. "Has Loki tried it?"
"Sure. Lots of times. He'll drink it but he's not as much of a fan as you are."
Thor nodded. He tried to picture himself sitting down with Loki at a small table, both of them with a mug of coffee, talking calmly about serious matters. He tried, but in the images his mind created, he and Loki were younger, unburdened by the events of the last couple of years. "Jane…you've obviously spent a lot of time around Loki here. You must know better than any of us the state of his mind. I understand that you cannot speak for him, or repeat things he may have told you…in confidence," he said, hesitating, still somewhat incredulous that Loki may have in fact spoken to Jane in confidence. "But do you think that…" He didn't even know how to phrase what he wished to ask, what words to put to it. "Is it salvageable? Will Loki come home as a Prince of Asgard? Will he accept Father's name? Will he call me Brother, and not in an effort to wound me? Will he ever again be the Loki I knew?"
"I don't know," Jane said. "Even if I could speak for Loki, I wouldn't know. I'm not sure Loki even knows. I do know it's not all on Loki."
"Yes. That much I know. And that things can't be exactly as they were, that I know, too." He paused, glanced upward, gave a light laugh. "I know it will surprise you to hear this, but I was once rather arrogant. I'm not sure how or when or why it became that way, but over time it extended to Loki as well. I always loved him, but I didn't always treat him as I should. I want a chance to be a better brother to him, and a better friend. But that isn't all on me, either."
Jane nodded. "All I can say is talk to him honestly, give him a chance to talk, don't try to force him to if he doesn't want to, take seriously what he says. Not particularly insightful, I know. And I meant what I said before, I don't know how you can be his father and enforce some kind of official discipline on him at the same time. If he's a kid, sure, but not if he's an adult. As his brother even more so, you can't do both of those things. Anybody would resent that."
"I'm his king now," Thor said, the statement a new realization, for he hadn't thought of it in that context before. "It could become an issue. For now, though, Father is still dealing with that. I can separate myself from it. I will take care to do so. Thank you, Jane." It was another reason to prefer not to be king, after all those years so eager to take the throne.
"You'll have to be patient."
"Not one of my strongest virtues. I'll do my best."
"You've come through tough times before. How did you all get past what happened with Baldur, and be a family again? How did Loki get past that?"
"Ah, he…it…it took time," Thor said, looking away from Jane in discomfort.
"I'm sure it did. All that time being tied up under a snake dripping venom over your face? I don't know how he ever went on to live anything approaching a normal life after that. How any of you did, really." She felt Thor tense up next to her, where they sat arm-to-arm and leg-to-leg. "Hey, sorry," she immediately followed up. "I shouldn't have brought that up. Forget I said anything."
"No, that's all right. You just took me by surprise, I suppose. I'd forgotten that you said that was recorded in your mythology."
"Not all of it. And the myth version has some extra details that are pretty gruesome."
Thor sat up from the wall and twisted around to face Jane more directly. "So you heard these things from Loki?"
"Yeah," Jane said with a nod.
"Then to say I'm surprised is a great understatement." Loki hadn't mentioned one word about Baldur since that day on Svartalfheim a thousand years ago.
"How did you all get past it?" Jane asked again.
Thor thought for a moment, reflecting with some reticence on a time that had long been sealed away in the past, where it belonged. "It took a long time. His punishment was severe. Punishment that severe is no longer used, actually. Father forbade it" – he had to pause to swallow; these events belonged in the past for a reason – "after he saw first-hand what it did to Loki. But eventually, he confessed, and returned to us. It was difficult, though. He had a hard time adjusting. We all did, really. We-"
"Wait. You said…he confessed? What do you mean?" Jane asked, pulling away from the boxes herself now and repositioning herself so that she sat across from Thor rather than next to him.
"Just what I said. He confessed what he'd done."
Jane sat there for a long moment, watching Thor in confused silence. He didn't appear confused at all, until he began to look a little confused by her. "Confessed" just didn't seem the right word, though, unless he'd been denying he'd had anything at all to do with Baldur's death, but Loki hadn't given her the impression that he'd been trying to avoid guilt or even his punishment – he'd even told her on an Asgardian hillside that he deserved that punishment. "You mean he confessed that he made the arrow?"
"No, we already knew he made the arrow. He confessed his envy and anger and…and his desire to see Baldur dead."
/
/
They were alone now, and Loki stared openly at Stark while the man carefully welded a recalcitrant bolt that Thor had not been able to get in straight back into place. If it unnerved him, he gave no sign of it. On the other hand, the finer points of Loki's stare were masked by the balaclava his mother had retrieved for him, and Tony's expression consisted of narrowed eyes and a straight line for a mouth with a slope to the mask that made him look perpetually angry. The man hadn't been unnerved before, though, either, when Loki had invited himself into his home unexpected, via a similarly unexpected crash caused by an arrow exploding in his face. In terms of actual reaction, then, Loki had to imagine the brief instant of panic on the man's face right before he'd provided him with a face-to-face encounter with a window. Not at all an unpleasant thing to imagine.
In between repeatedly reliving that moment – and only that one, for the ones that followed had been significantly less enjoyable – Loki also studied what little he could glean of how the suit worked, and how Tony controlled his movements in it. He'd studied everything he could – not just the structure of steel – with the helmet on his own head, too. Jarvis, of course, hadn't provided him any information that exceeded what Stark had ordered, and Loki had tried just once to get him to. Tony had been distracted for a moment, and Loki had received a "Certainly, Sir. I should have that information for you shortly. Would one hundred years from today be acceptable?" in response to his request for the complete schematics of how the thing in Stark's chest that Barton had conveniently failed to mention worked. Loki had ignored him and continued studying, but the next time he saw Stark distracted he'd told Jarvis it was a pity Stark had imbued his machine slave with Stark's own sense of humor. "Actually, Sir, I rather like it," the voice replied. Disconcerting, coming from a machine.
He hadn't expected Jarvis to give him what he asked for, anyway; it was more of a jest…and it never hurt to ask, just in case. But he'd studied the display layout and rendering and the minimal peripheral bits of information on it, at least until Jarvis had apparently noticed his eye movement and blackened out even the current barometric pressure, temperature, and humidity. A pointless exercise, probably, but while Loki may no longer actively wish to kill Stark – not seriously, anyway – he was still an adversary and Loki would take every opportunity he could to identify an adversary's weakness.
The Iron Man persona came with a convenient ability to direct energy and work metal without separate physical tools, and to fly with neither hammer nor machinery. Stark, he was certain, took immense pride in it – the man took immense pride period. And while he could not match the Iron Man's flying, when it came to working this metal, how much better to be able to do it with no more than a thought, to alter it at the level of its most fundamental particles? He took his own great pride in running a gloved thumb just over one of Stark's fresh welding scars and smoothing out the metal to look just as it had before, then turning to look at Stark standing there beside him, and picturing him with that "I'm about to be thrown out a window" look.
"Really?" Stark said.
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well, is it not? Your work was sloppy."
"It's a weld. It's not there for looks, Chriss Angel."
"Chriss Angel? Hm. And here I thought your well of inane nicknames for me had run dry. I noticed you've actually been using my name today. Just a brief bout of mental laziness in your feeble attempts to assuage your sense of inferiority, then?"
"You really do like to wear out the dictionary, don't you?"
"I do enjoy the proper use of words. Unlike you with your meaningless bluster. 'Maybe your army will come, maybe it's too much for us, but it's all on you. Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damn sure we'll avenge it,'" Loki said in a mocking tone. "What does that even mean? And why were you called 'The Avengers' before you had anything to avenge?"
"Awww, I'm touched you remember it verbatim. It must've meant a lot to you. I remember it pretty fondly myself, seeing how it ended with you trying to drag yourself out of a Loki-shaped crater in my floor."
"I remember other parts more fondly. The music of shattering glass in particular."
"Keep it up, mama's boy. Hey! This is a pretty big day, isn't it? All the fam here for a visit. Did Mommy make you get your hair cut all nice and neat for it?"
Loki grit his teeth at that. "You have quite the juvenile need to have the last word, Stark. I'm accustomed to dealing with juvenile adults. But mention my mother again and I will have to find another window, at a suitably high altitude. Or perhaps I could arrange a visit to the Chitauri without an open portal behind you to permit your return."
Stark kept facing his way but didn't respond, and Loki smiled at his victory. It was short-lived.
"Now, now, no more evil villain talk. Daddy's on his way over and I really don't think you want him to catch you being a bad boy."
Loki froze, but just for an instant. Stark, of course, was lying, in order to earn exactly the reaction Loki had just given. His eyes narrowed and his fingers flexed.
"No fibbing. How's about we get back to work? I find a little interlude of juvenile adult banter appropriately rejuvenating, don't you? Sorry about the crack about your mother, by the way. She's a classy lady. So, now that you've made my weld line all silky smooth, don't forget to shore up the steel around it and we'll make a good show of being besties for the old man, huh? Okay, besties might be too much of a stretch, we can aim for closely cooperating professional colleagues." Stark clapped him on the back then – putting enough strength behind it to have made a mortal stagger – and laughed as though they'd just shared a companionable jest. "I'll check the next one, okay?" he said, clanking over to the next column.
Loki glared at his retreating back, then stared down at the connector plate Stark had newly welded. Behind him he could now make out the crunch of approaching footsteps. He had been close – very close – to punching Stark, never mind that the impact would have been minor with the other man in solid armor. If Stark had wanted to, he could have kept right on antagonizing him until he made what would have been a serious mistake. Loki was unwilling to pander to Odin's expectations of him…but he wasn't going to go smacking mortals around right in front of him, either. Not knowingly, anyway. There was trying to rebuild some dignity and then there was flat-out stupidity. Loki had lost track of the distinction a time or two recently; it was time to respect it again. On his own, though. Without Stark saving him from himself. He didn't really know what to think of what had just happened, but he felt no need to thank the man who'd gone out of his way to push him to that point in the first place. Though as he thought back on it, he realized he wasn't certain who'd started the pushing. He was certain that Stark had won. And this time, Loki had to let him.
He consoled himself with memories of settling down on a Midgardian cliff – some prison guard Thor was – to watch Thor and Tony Stark trying to pummel each other into oblivion. The only thing that might have made it better was a longer running time. And popcorn and a Coke.
"Are you nearly done?"
"Yes," Loki said without turning. It was a terrible insult, to answer a direct question with his back to his king and to his father. But then, Odin wasn't really either of those anymore.
"Mr. Stark?" Odin asked when Loki would not even deign to turn around to answer. It would once have incensed him, this degree of disrespect, but Loki hadn't shown him an ounce of respect since Odin's blunder on the bifrost, and his temper had largely grown immune to it. Now there was nothing more than a little prick of pain. A respectful Loki would be a welcome return, but his goals with his younger son were much more modest.
"Yep, what he said," the mortal answered from behind his suit of metal; he at least paused to turn from his work. "Just some scans of the weld zones and all the places where Loki's done his thing, making a few adjustments here and there to make sure the steel and all the connections are at full strength. We're basically done. Maybe another thirty, forty-five minutes to an hour."
"And the Destination Zulu stairs," Loki added, just finishing returning the steel around the connector plate he was working on to its original pre-heat-damaged, pre-bent, and pre-cracked state.
"You name those yourself, Loki? I noticed how you guys like to name stuff. With the stairs…maybe an hour and a half 'til everything's almost like new."
"That is welcome news," Odin said. "I'm pleased you've been able to help these people. Both of you," he added, the words aimed at Loki, though only at his back.
"Well, there's no 'i' in 'team,' as they say. Of course, there is in French, but that's a minor language these days, really. Hardly anybody speaks that anymore."
There's an "i" in "kill," Loki thought, working quickly now. He shouldn't have engaged unnecessarily with Stark; the sooner they completed this work, the better for everyone involved. He might not like what Odin had in mind for him next, but better to know what it was than be stuck in this limbo indefinitely.
And he was able to work quickly now. The work had been slow at first, and incredibly tense. Without an audience, dramatics had become pointless. He didn't like working with Tony Stark, no matter which letters happened to be in "team," and he didn't want to work with Thor or Valhalla help him Odin. The other three had at least worked out the lifting among themselves without Loki's involvement. It grated on his nerves to see each of them in his own way able to do what Loki could not – lifting buildings, even the small amount of shifting they had to do, was not in his repertoire. And coordinating the actual repair of the steel with Mr. Gold-Titanium Alloy had been an exercise in self-control he'd feared would exceed his abilities. But before long they'd figured out how to do what was needed in the most efficient way possible, and without discussion or – in his and Tony's case – sniping at each other. They'd barely checked half the connecting plates but Stark was right, an hour wasn't an unreasonable estimate. He kept his back to Odin – who apparently was going to stand there and watch – and tried not to think about what would follow…or about where Thor and Jane might be, or what they might be talking about.
/
/
Jane sat reeling. "He confessed his desire to see Baldur dead?" That doesn't sound right, Jane thought. She remembered sitting on that peaceful hillside with Loki as he told her what he'd done to ensure, so he believed at the time, that Baldur wouldn't be seriously hurt. That isn't right. So something is wrong. She thought back on what Thor had just told her. "It took a long time. His punishment was severe. Eventually he confessed." What was wrong now seemed obvious. "Eventually" was wrong. Loki had "eventually" confessed…after day-in, day-out torture - what seemed the poster child for "cruel and unusual" to her and it sounded like maybe Asgard had come to see it that way, too. "After how long being tied up under a snake? Thor…haven't you ever heard of people confessing things just to get relief from the pain or humiliation or whatever's being used against them? It's called a coerced confession, and it doesn't stand up in court."
"There was nothing coerced about it. He had every chance to…" Thor paused, worked his jaw, growing agitated with the turn in conversation. "The punishment…it forced him to think…and to finally see things for what they were. To tell the truth. You asked how we got past it. That was the first step, Loki finally telling the truth."
Jane's mouth fell slightly open. She knew now exactly what had been niggling at her about what Odin said before. "The punishment forced him to see things for what they were." "He had to be made willing to listen." It wasn't the first time. It wasn't even the first son; Thor had been sent hurtling down to Earth with no idea how to go home or if he'd ever go home, winding up in the path of Jane's van. So this was just the way Odin got things done? Coerced confessions, induced desperation? It got results, Jane presumed. But at what cost? "How do you know that was the truth? It was an accident. Loki didn't mean to kill him. He didn't even really mean to hurt him. He-"
"Jane, please, stop. I know you mean well. I…I'm glad you've befriended my brother despite everything he's done. But I held Baldur's…I held his body while it was still warm. While Loki ran away and hid because he knew what he'd done. You weren't there. You've known Loki for a handful of months. I've known him for a greater number of centuries. I know my brother. And I know what happened," he said, carefully keeping his voice even and calm. He didn't want to get angry with Jane, and he wasn't, but he didn't appreciate hearing this kind of lecture from her about Loki, and he didn't appreciate Loki getting in the way of what little time they had together.
"Do you? Do you know Loki? Do you know what really happened? When was the last time you really talked to him? When was the last time you really listened? I'm telling you, it was an accident. Did he tell you that he made the arrow thin enough that he was certain it wouldn't-"
"Yes, Jane, he told us all those things, in the beginning. He couldn't admit what he'd done. He probably couldn't even admit it to himself. But the arrow wasn't as light as he claimed. It was examined by master craftsmen – expert weapons forgers, healers, scholars of multiple fields. They all agreed it was big enough t-…to accomplish its task."
"He didn't even shoot the arrow himself."
"No, he didn't. He put it directly in the hands of poor old Hoder, who'd lost his sight ages ago in the Vanir-Aesir War. And it perforated Baldur's heart. Do you think that was an accident? A coincidence to end all coincidences? Loki used magic."
"I don't believe that," Jane responded immediately.
"It's true. The arrow was tested for magic. It had been broken by then so the traces were faint, but they were there." Thor let out a sigh. He hadn't thought about any of this at all in such a long time, but it was all still there, the investigation, the trial, Loki's changing statements…the wails of his mother that made him want to run far away when she pulled him to her, the cold sweats he'd wake up from reliving those desperate moments crumbling Healing Stones that refused to bring life back to his little brother's vacant eyes. He rubbed his hand over his own eyes as though he could wipe the gruesome images from his mind again. "What happened was exactly what Loki wanted to happen, though I know he suffered for it even apart from his punishment, and I do believe he came to truly regret it later."
Jane listened with a conflicted heart. Thor wasn't lying. She knew that, instinctively. Even when she'd first met him, she'd thought maybe he was crazy when he said the things he did, but she'd never thought he was lying. They were the same that way. It wasn't like Jane was incapable of lying, and apparently it wasn't like she couldn't be taught to be better at it, but lying wasn't reflexive to her. Truth was. Truth, facts, evidence, sound arguments. Thor maybe came at it differently, but truth was as reflexive to him as it was to her. Loki on the other hand…he was a masterful liar, and lies, she knew, were often easier for him to dole out than truth. And she'd had her moments of doubt about him recently, when she'd wondered if it were possible whether he'd continued lying to her the whole time he'd been here. She'd ultimately rejected that possibility. She couldn't believe he was lying, not about anything major, certainly not in what he'd told her about Baldur. She didn't believe he was lying. But what Loki had said and what Thor had said just now – they couldn't both be true.
"He loved Baldur," she finally said. "I know he did."
"No one ever doubted that Loki loved Baldur, or that he used to, at least. But that doesn't mean… Do you know what he said to me, right before I was to take the throne? He told me, 'Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you.' And I didn't doubt it. But when he said that, he'd already let the Frost Giants into Asgard to disrupt my succession ceremony, and not long after that he goaded me into going to Jotunheim, against Asgardian law. I didn't require much goading, I admit… a mere handful of his pointed words was enough to have me determined to defy my father and demand answers. I take full responsibility for my own actions in all that. But what he did resulted in the deaths of two Einherjar. And he'd set all this in motion even as 'I love you' fell from his lips."
"I don't know what happened then. But I know what happened with Baldur." I know how desperately Loki wanted to stop it from happening again. "It was an accident. You need to talk to him, Thor."
"It's not something we talk about anymore. Ever. Loki hasn't spoken his name, not in my presence, in…it's been…oh, a little over a thousand years now." "I loved him," he remembered Loki saying, as a dark chapter in both of their lives finally came to a close. "How did this even come up? I still can't believe he spoke of it."
Jane hesitated; Thor didn't need to hear the details of that from her, and Loki without question would not want him to. "He was dreaming. And saying some stuff in his sleep. The walls are thin, and…well, I wound up going in and waking him up. I'm sure he wouldn't have told me anything about it, but, you know, he was still coming out of the dream, and…he just started talking."
Thor shook his head. It had been a very long time since he and Loki had shared chambers, but he'd shared tents and ship cabins and patches of earth near a fire with him plenty of times since, and while Thor was admittedly a deep sleeper, if Loki made enough noise talking in his sleep for people outside his chambers to hear it, no matter how thin the walls, then Thor certainly would have heard it sleeping right next to him. It rang false. "I'm sorry, Jane," he said sadly, because he'd begun to believe that the friendship Jane believed she'd formed with Loki was real, and that it was an encouraging sign for his brother even though it rankled him, "but Loki has obviously manipulated you. He must have wanted to win your sympathy with how he was unjustly punished, to make himself out as the victim. He does that sometimes."
"Oh no," Jane said after a moment of stunned silence. She stood up, because this wasn't something you sat down for. "You did not just say that. He's obviously manipulating me? Where do you get off?"
"Jane," Thor started to say, rising to his feet as well, but Jane cut in before he could continue.
"No. You think I'm not capable of figuring out stuff like that, of judging for myself? That I'm too…naïve or weak-minded or whatever, because…what, because I'm a woman? Because I'm a lowly mortal? Because-"
"Jane! No. Nothing like that, not at all," Thor tried to assure her, wounded by her sudden unexpected ire. "Don't be angry with me, Jane. You know I don't think such things of you. I admire you greatly for your strong mind, your courage, your cleverness. I have wanted to be with you for so long, and all this time you were with my brother instead. I don't begrudge him that, not if things have been as you've said, but don't think for a minute that I'm not envious.
"I…I am probably not expressing myself as well as I should. Baldur's death was the most horrendous thing my family ever endured…at least until Loki learned the truth of his birth…but it's been settled for a long time now. A very long time. We don't discuss it anymore. We left it in the past. For Baldur's sake, for Loki's sake, for everyone's sake. We…buried it, you could even say. It's painful to dig it up again now."
"But you just agreed that you would take Loki seriously when he talks to you. And you're not even taking me seriously!"
"Does taking someone seriously mean I must accept without question? I am taking you seriously, I am listening, and I'm trying to see it from your perspective. I meant no insult, Jane, I swear it," he said, rubbing a hand lightly over her arm, as much as he dared touch her at the moment. "It's not an insult to suggest that Loki could have deceived you. It says nothing about you, and everything about Loki's skill with deceiving others, even those he cares about."
After inhaling deeply and slowly and letting the air out just as slowly, Jane said, "I didn't mean to snap at you. And I…I guess that wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. I understand what you're saying. I knew he's good at that. He was fresh off of Asgard and had me completely convinced that he was a Canadian grad student who grew up in England with a mother and some kind of business mogul father and a brother. And a sister who I guess he just threw in for kicks. Working on his doctorate in astrophysics at the University of Toronto. Any time I doubted something he had the perfect explanation. I felt like such an idiot. I think maybe you tapped into some of that unintentionally. I didn't like being made a fool of. So yeah, I know firsthand about that particular skill. But…even so, there are times you just…you just know…you know? You didn't see him after that dream. He wasn't faking. He did try to manipulate me, though, actually – he wasn't as in control of himself as he normally is, and he started telling me stuff, about Baldur and about what happened to him after, and then he realized just how much he'd told me, or I guess, how much he'd let me see of himself, and he turned on a dime, he started insulting me and issuing veiled threats until I got upset and left. And that was the first time I realized that that was actually a tactic he was using, deliberately. Or, maybe not deliberately so much as instinctively. To push me away. He hates being vulnerable. He-"
Jane stopped herself. Thor was watching her closely, and he was clearly listening just as closely. But she thought she might be revealing more of Loki's personal business than she should. "Just please, trust that I've gotten to know your brother well enough to recognize when he's being gut-wrenchingly honest. I really need you to trust me on this, and just talk to him about it."
Thor did trust Jane. He'd always trusted her, really, though it was also true he'd been accused in the past of trusting too easily. Jane wasn't really asking him to trust her, though – Thor understood that even if Jane did not – she was asking him to trust Loki. Because no matter how confident Jane was in her ability to recognize "gut-wrenching honesty" in Loki, Loki was an absolute master at deception and Jane had no more immunity to that than did anyone else. Still, it wasn't just an issue of trusting either Jane or Loki. Thor didn't want to deal with this, on top of everything else. "You don't know what you're asking. There are deep wounds beneath those scars, when we all have fresh wounds now."
"I can't imagine how painful it was, for every single one of you. To lose a family member is terrible enough, but to lose him to another family member… But I'm telling you, Thor, it was an accident. I know you're convinced of his guilt, and from what you said, I guess I can understand that. But try to imagine what that's like for Loki. He's lived with it for more years than I can even fathom. Just try for a moment to imagine that it really was an accident."
Thor closed his eyes and let several seconds pass in frustration. "I'm trying to imagine it…but I can't. There was evidence against him. He confessed. And he's never denied his confession. But-"
"Probably because he didn't want to be dragged back out to be tied up under a snake again if he did!"
"Jane, calm down," Thor urged wearily. "You didn't let me finish. I will talk to him about it. I don't want to. But because you believe I need to, I will. I do trust you, Jane. If nothing else, what you've said tells me that Loki still carries a heavy burden of guilt over our younger brother's death. The rest of us put it behind us long ago, and I did not realize that Loki had not. I dread this conversation like I've dreaded nothing else in my life." He stopped and gave a short breathy laugh. "Save the possible surrender of Asgard," he amended. "But we will have it. I will try my best, at least. I can make no guarantees on Loki's part."
/
/
Just past 10:00 in the cold dark morning, after a final consultation with Tony and with Jarvis, Gary pronounced the repairs complete, the elevated station safe for occupation. Ken and Drew laughed and high-fived; Jane clapped and sent a smile to Loki, Thor's arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders – Loki's smile in return was considerably more subdued; Olivia ducked her head in silence for a moment, then pointed out that it wasn't actually Gary's call to declare the building safe, but that under the circumstances, with the team that did have that official authority unable to get here until late October at the earliest, since Iron Man backed the decision she would gladly accept it.
"Tony, can I impose on you to get Jarvis to take some scans of the main outbuildings?" Gary asked. "Especially in the Dark Sector where we also have some raised buildings. I think they're all still sound – they looked that way before the earthquake last night – but you never know what's beneath the surface."
Tony nodded. "I hear you, Chief. Lead on. The Dark Sector sounds fascinating."
"It's not that fascinating unless you're into astrophysics."
"As a matter of fact I am," Tony said with a look back at Jane before the two headed off.
"What now?" Loki said once Tony and Gary had left, turning abruptly to Odin.
"Now…we wait to see if you're needed. I don't want to be interrupted."
Thor saw his chance. "Loki, since we have to wait for-"
"No."
"Loki-"
"I will say it as often as required. No."
Thor's arm pulled away from Jane, both hands drawing into frustrated fists. He didn't want to hit Loki – actually part of him did, but he was perfectly capable of ignoring that part – just something that would break under the force of his exasperation. "You're going to have to talk to me at some point."
"Am I? Oh, that's right, you're finally king now. What will you threaten me with to gain my compliance?"
"I will not threaten you with anything. Father isn't threatening you with anything, either."
Loki was taken aback by Thor's willful oblivion. "He holds my fate in his hands. There's no need to speak any threat aloud," Loki said, dropping his voice. He looked over to Odin, who'd probably heard him anyway, and noticed that Olivia, Ken, and Drew, who'd started to head back to the heavy shop, had stopped and were listening.
"I thought you said I was king now."
Loki fell statue-still. What is that supposed to mean? he wanted to ask, but if Thor wanted to explain he would, and Loki was unwilling to continue this in front of Odin or the mortals, even Jane.
"Will you talk with me?"
He hesitated this time. Is he suggesting that he could – and would – overrule Odin? That my fate is in his hands? That possibility, in the end, changed his calculus. "It will take them perhaps an hour. You can have half of that."
/
This chapter released from Namibia. (Recorded for my own memory-keeping.)
I have been meaning to put up some images of the VMF and Supply Arch on my Twitter so you can better picture what it looks like (for those of you who are interested by that), hopefully I will get around to it soon.
Previews for Ch. 150 (!): Thor and Loki do talk, and the subject isn't what Loki expects. And, you know, some other stuff too.
Excerpt:
"No," Thor said with a rapid shake of his head, remembering what Jane had said about separating himself from a position of judgement over Loki. "This has nothing to do with that. And no, Loki, this isn't how I wish to spend the time. There are other things I…I need to talk with you about, but thirty minutes won't be enough for that. And this is important."