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Beneath

Chapter One Hundred Seventy-Three – Journal

Loki flipped open the journal to a random page. Jane's name popped out at him, "Jane is a good woman," and whatever burst of good will had driven him to retrieve this book withered and died. "Love letters to Jane? Really, Thor? This is what you wanted me to read so badly?"

The shock was short-lived. Thor stood up and leaned in and grabbed for the journal and Loki whipped his arm back and behind him, behind his chair. Thor stayed where he was a moment longer, before resisting the instinct to keep trying to get the book back; Loki could always just vanish it again. He sat back down. "I didn't… I don't remember… I was usually tired when I wrote in there, and I… I don't remember writing any love letters to Jane. Why don't you try another page? Why don't you try the first page?"

"Oh, no," Loki said, slowly bringing the back out in front of him again. "Now I think I must read it. You gave it to me, gave me permission to read it. So let's read it, shall we?" He skimmed over the words. Jane was kind and compassionate and generous. When she feels like it, Loki thought with a prickly mingling of bitterness and fondness. Thor was callous and condescending. Obviously. Though it was odd that Thor had actually realized it. Jane, he thought, had probably told him so, and scolded him for it. "She thought you were mentally unwell?" Loki asked, head lifting up from the book.

"She said she hoped I wasn't crazy. I think Erik told her I was," Thor answered cautiously, trying to remember writing that and failing. Wondering what else he might have written. In the next second he remembered, and made to grab for the book again, but Loki was watching him and reacted just as quickly. Thor sat back. "I didn't know then what I know now."

"Hm. Good for you. One should never stop learning." He went back to the book. "I hope that someday it will be safe for you to meet her." Rather ironic, Loki thought. Thor also thought that, perhaps with some great leap of imagination, possibly, someday, Loki and Jane might become friends. How charitable of him. "Ah," Loki said, going still and staring at the part that had probably inspired Thor's renewed effort to reclaim the journal. "Loki," he read, taking on the voice of a chiding teacher, "if you had found her, if you had hurt her, that would be the end. Hm. I did find her, and…your grammar isn't entirely clear here. Was it sufficient that I found her, or would I have had to hurt her as well for it to be over? And you know, now that I look back on you waxing on about brotherhood, I really wish I'd actually listened, because I suspect I might want to quote some of that back to you as well right now."

"Will you let me explain what was happening then?"

"I'm still waiting on you to explain your poor grammar."

"It was right after Tony and I went to Canada and found you'd tried to go after Jane. I was angry."

"Yes, I believe we've already established that."

"I apologized for losing my temper over it on Jotunheim. And I forgave you for pursuing her. These were…," Thor began, trailing off and waving a hand toward the journal resting on Loki's lap, "these were my thoughts at the time. My honest thoughts."

"Your honest thoughts?"

"Yes. I tried to think honestly about-"

"Then I have a question for you."

"All right," Thor said, acquiescing to Loki's whims. It was hard not to, when Loki always had the upper hand in conversation, but if it kept Loki talking to him, then he was willing to give in. He thought he owed this to Loki, too, answers to whatever questions he had. Though he knew he wasn't going to like it.

"I've heard that you ordered Tony to search for me."

Thor swallowed, then looked away. He knew where this was going. And he definitely didn't like it. "I didn't order. I asked."

"That wouldn't have anything to do with the other realms' demands, now, would it?" Loki asked, noting the guilt on Thor's face.

Thor met Loki's eyes again; he had just spoken of honesty. "In part. It was before the war began. Father said we needed to know where you were. In case there were no other options. He also said the other realms would be looking for you, and if we knew your location and they didn't, we would have an advantage over them."

"You can't imagine how warm that makes me feel inside. I'm positively aglow with the thought of all that familial affection." He remembered the tale his mother had told him, of the time Odin tried to force him to become a Frost Giant again as a child, because Odin apparently felt guilty for putting him before Asgard. Clearly he'd long since overcome that weakness, and had no difficulty putting Asgard first now.

"I'm not here as his defender. And you know I would not have gone back on my oath. I wanted to know your location so that I could ensure you weren't surrendered. You didn't know the other realms wanted your head. I wanted to protect you, Brother."

"Ah, too bad, and you were doing so well. Is it completely impossible for you to call me by my name?" Loki asked caustically, because his instinctive response, that he didn't need Thor to protect him, was best not said aloud until he knew for certain that this war was over, no one claimed him as a war prize, and Odin had granted him freedom.

"Your name is 'Brother' to me. But I told you I've been trying not to push you on that. It just came out. I'm trying to understand you better, and to respect your wishes."

"Oh, Thor," Loki said over a breathy laugh. "In some ways, I confess, you have changed. In others you are exactly the same and even incapable of change, I think. It is…admirable, or something, I suppose, that you at least think that you want to understand me, to understand this. But you're never going to understand it, and I don't enjoy your attempts. You can't understand it. Not unless you, too, suddenly found out you were actually born a Frost Giant. Even then, it would hardly be the same, because you're still you and I'm still me, but at least it would be a start."

"But that's-"

"Ridiculous? Of course."

"That's not what-"

"Of course it would be ridiculous for you to be secretly a Frost Giant. When I found out, I thought to myself, ah, well, I'd suspected all along thatI was stolen from Jotunheim as an infant, no real surprise there."

"That's not what I was going to say, Loki. It was a shock for me, too. When Mother told me, I first thought it was some terrible attempt at a jest. I insisted that it could not possibly be true, because I would obviously know if my own brother was a Frost Giant."

"I'm so sorry for your terrible shock, Thor. It must have been a very trying time for you," Loki said dryly.

"It was. You were gone. Forever, we thought. I couldn't believe any of it was true. That you were dead, that you'd tried to kill me, that you'd schemed against me, that you were not my brother by blood, that I would never see you again to try to- What?"

Loki smiled at his work. The instinct to retrieve the sword he'd appropriated from an Einherjar and slay the thing before him was strong – unexpectedly strong, he thought, eroding his reluctance to kill Thor. Thor who had kept talking while Loki stopped listening and instead drifted back to the idea of Thor finding out he was the Frost Giant. Loki wasn't that familiar with the details of a Frost Giant's face, but he'd spent enough time looking at them this morning to come up with a good approximation.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"See for yourself," Loki said, reaching for his mirror, not finding it, then remembering that it was somewhere in the jamesway on Midgard. He smoothly changed the gesture to pointing at a decorative mirror hanging on the wall to his right.

Thor frowned, staring at Loki a moment longer, but Loki was giving no hints other than a smile that Thor knew spoke of mischief. He stood and started over to the mirror Loki had pointed at. He didn't get far. "What did you do?" he asked in a low voice, red eyes blinking back at him.

"I think it's fairly obvious. How do you like it?"

Thor closed his eyes – looking at the red ones was too disconcerting – and turned before opening them again.

"You can't even look at yourself like that, can you? I can assure you, you make a very handsome Frost Giant. Compared to the rest of them, anyway. I confess it's strange to see you bald, though."

Thor's hand shot up to his head. It was bare. He'd known that, of course, had seen himself in the mirror, but feeling it with his fingertips was different from merely seeing. "Is this your idea of a game?" he asked, deliberately lowering his arm, trying just as deliberately to not think about his bald blue head. "You wanted me to see myself like this? Fine, I have." He sat back down, feigning indifference.

"I really thought you would show more of a reaction," Loki said. "Disappointing. I'll change it back." He waved his hand, then frowned. He waved his hand again, gave a bigger frown.

"Brother?" Thor gave a quick touch to the back of his head. Still bare.

"Odin must have left some enchantment in place…he must consider this mischief. I can't…" Thor was breathing faster, hands fidgeting at his sides. Loki stood, then waved a hand again, imbuing it with a bit of desperation this time. He shook his head.

"Loki," Thor growled, standing again, too. "Change it back."

"Ah, there we go," Loki said, reverting Thor's head to normal with a blink. "That? That thing you were about to jump out of your skin over? That is what I really am. Not 'Brother.' Not even Loki, in the beginning. I had another name. 'Loki,' however, I'll keep. Again, not 'Brother.'"

"You know how I feel about that," Thor said, embarrassed at how easily Loki had gotten to him. He'd passed a test last night in Loki's chambers; this one he'd failed, and he knew it. Though anyone would be upset to think he'd made to look like something he wasn't, he told himself, then made to believe he was stuck that way. "But forget blood. Blood does not make a family. Do you really no longer think of me as your brother? Truly?"

"I do not," Loki answered promptly, taking care that he did not blink or give any other hint that Thor might latch onto as reason to doubt him. From the pained expression on Thor's face, he'd succeeded.

Thor nodded and looked away. There were only so many times he could argue this point. He felt exhausted. He felt defeated. He saw Loki, too, turn away. And Loki didn't look like a victor. "I don't believe you," he said, facing Loki again.

Loki frowned. "And normally I would commend you for that response. In this case, however, I-"

"You don't want me to win."

"Win what?"

"If I win, you accept me as your brother…and you accept that I accept you as my brother. But you don't want to win, either. Because if you win, then we…we are nothing to each other. Nothing but memories. And you don't really want that, either."

Loki narrowed his eyes; it took him a moment to respond. "Thor, stop and listen to yourself. This isn't a contest. I am not your brother. And it doesn't matter what I accept, or what you accept, or what either of us accepts that the other accepts, or what anyone else in the Nine Realms accepts," Loki said with as much gravity as he could push into his face and voice, willing Thor to finally see reason. "I am a Frost Giant." It came out with difficulty. He wasn't sure he'd ever said it so directly, so simply. He had to fight back a shudder.

"But you have always been a Frost Giant. A Jotun. When you followed me to Jotunheim in my foolishness, and all the way back to our childhood. When we played Frost Giant versus Aesir. When you had nightmares that Frost Giants were going to come and eat you at night. When I shivered in the dark next to you fearing they would come. When we made fun of them in our lessons. When we went into the mountains and I was practicing with Mjolnir and you were practicing with magic and you set red lights upon the rocks to look like Jotun eyes and I smashed them to dust…you were always Jotun. We just didn't know. And I'm so sorry for all of that. For how much those things must hurt when you look back on them. For how much worse it made it for you to learn how you were born. But we didn't know. Either of us. I would have done differently had I known. I loved you then and I love you still. What you know about yourself has changed. But what you are…even after all this madness…what you are hasn't changed. You-"

"No, it hasn't," Loki interrupted, caught up momentarily in the memory of cheering Thor on as red-eyed rocks disintegrated under Mjolnir, but recovering quickly now. "And you're right, I have always been a Frost Giant. Do you not see that we were destined to be enemies and not brothers?"

"What? No! No, I do not see that." Thor shook his head in frustration. "Do you remember, when we were children, how we pledged to never part? Brothers forever, come what may?"

Loki squinted his eyes, in exasperation as much as in search of the memory. When it came to him, he opened his eyes wide and made a show of rolling them. "It was 'Asgard forever,' and I was nine and you were ten. I hardly think we can be held to that. We still shared the same chambers and often the same bed. If you still long for that then you need to see a healer. And I think it's only fair that you inform Jane."

Thor looked at Loki as though he had lost his mind. Then he punched him in the shoulder.

Loki drew back a fist, ready to slam it into Thor's face for all he was worth, when he caught the smile creeping up on that face. And realized Thor hadn't actually hit him very hard. Then Thor started laughing. The tension faded from his muscles and his arm dropped back to his side. Thor was laughing so hard he had tears in the corners of his eyes. A single puff of air made it out of Loki before he got hold of himself. "Sit down," he said, following his own command. "You look particularly stupid."

"Do I look less stupid now?" Thor asked once he'd sat and his laughter had died down to a few last chuckles.

"Not really. I'm afraid it's permanent."

Thor laughed again. "You know, even then, I don't think we meant that we would always sleep in the same chambers. Or that we would always do everything together."

"Yes, we did. But again, I was nine, you were ten. Even I was stupid at nine."

"You were never stupid, Loki. But what we meant then was that we would always be brothers. And friends. I've missed that. I miss you. I miss our friendship. How we trusted each other, and confided in each other. I didn't realize I missed it until it was already gone."

Loki wondered if Thor knew just how long it had been gone. How long it had been one-sided and shallow, how often Loki had seethed behind his smile. Given how wistfully Thor spoke of "the way things used to be," Loki was certain Thor was oblivious. It was his natural state after all. He glanced around him, at the study that was just as he'd left it when he fell from the bifrost. He was beginning to regret not going to Thor's chambers after all. From there, he could have simply left; here he would have to somehow convince Thor to leave.

"So much has happened, and…it's nothing at all like what I thought it would be, being king. I never thought I would have to worry about feeding Asgard. Or whether to offer yet another parole because we are in violation of our laws on minimum space per prisoner. Whether to fight or give speeches or attend meetings or set towers back on their bases when I know I need to be doing each of those things, somehow."

"You found out that ruling is difficult, in other words," Loki said. "Imagine how much more difficult if no one believed you should actually be ruling," he added. He hadn't really meant to say that part aloud, but he'd been thinking it, and he didn't have quite enough self-restraint to resist.

Thor ignored Loki's second comment, not wanting to get drawn back into another pointless argument about Loki's tenure on the throne. "Yes, I did. And I've had to do it alone, and-"

"Alone?" Loki cut in. "Did I hear correctly? You've had to do it alone? Let's see." He held up a hand. "You've had your mother," he said, ticking off a finger. "You've had your father…even if he's spent part of the time even less talkative than normal. You've had your dearest friends. A Gatekeeper who neither questions your orders nor outright ignore them. You've had your Diplomatic Advisor, your Strategy Advisor, your Public Welfare Advisor…an entire Assembly full of advisors ready to provide you with any information or guidance or ideas you might require, not to mention a War Council at your disposal," he continued, ticking off each finger on both hands multiple times. "Yes, I see what you mean. You truly have been alone in all this."

Thor waited until Loki was done with his performance to continue, and even then, he waited until Loki tilted his head a bit, looking at him impatiently. "I haven't had my dearest friends. Not all of them. I haven't had you. You have always been my dearest friend."

"Now you're getting into those lies that you believe to be truths. Or do you even believe that? Perhaps this is your attempt at an outright lie? We haven't been dearest anything for a long time, Thor."

"It's not a lie."

"Then you're having trouble remembering the last couple of years, at least? In particular the times I tried to kill you? Generally not something that can be said of one's dearest friend."

Thor took a moment again, this time for himself, to not lose his way amid his frustration. "I understand that-"

"Enough of your understanding. You're merely running around in circles, and the only reason I'm still here is that these are in fact my chambers."

"Let me finish. I understand that I can't understand what you've been through. I do. Even though I keep trying. But I know that this time since you found out where you were born, it's been an aberration. And what you say about…about us being destined to be enemies, Loki…you're finding enemies where they don't exist. You're fighting battles that exist only in your own mind. I am not your enemy. Nor would I ever want to be. When I have fought against you, truly fought against you…it was only because you left me no choice. I didn't want those fights. I wanted to convince you to change direction. I wanted you with me. And what of today? We worked together today." Thor paused; he'd been trying not to, because Loki would take advantage of any pause to interrupt and stop him from saying what he wanted to say. Here, though, he couldn't help it, as his thoughts flickered away for a moment. "When you weren't deceiving me, we worked together. We weren't working against each other. You cannot say that we are enemies. That is your lie that you believe to be truth."

Loki shook his head in annoyance, stood, went over to open the sheers and look out upon the night sky. He wasn't annoyed. It was simply the easiest reaction to display. "Fighting battles that exist only in your own mind." That was exactly what he was doing. Exactly what he had been debating before Thor's arrival, how to fight. Not how Thor meant it, though. Or was it? "I am not your enemy." Had he not just decided that Thor was his most dangerous enemy, shortly before Thor showed up at his door? His thoughts were twisting into a jumbled, chaotic mess. It was as though Thor knew what he'd been thinking, and had, after bumbling around for a while with the same old arguments about brothers and blood and the sanctity of childhood memories, delivered a simple-minded speech somehow deliberately crafted to… To what? he asked himself. Thor hadn't deliberately crafted anything. He could speak of brotherhood between the realms and imbue it with a second meaning, yes. That was obvious; it didn't require any great cleverness. He thought back to Thor's imagined battle over brotherhood, the one he'd said Loki didn't actually want to win. Whether that was true or not, Thor definitely did want to win. Thor wanted his supposed "dearest friend," and he thought Loki wanted an enemy.

He had, for a time, thought of Thor as his enemy, Thor and Odin and all of Asgard. Not a metaphorical enemy, but a real one. He'd railed against Thor in thoughts fueled by rage, fantasized about his downfall, plotted his death, journeyed to the past to get some small part of his own life back by ending Thor's.

And he hadn't been able to do it. Hadn't been able to look into those eyes, the eyes of a brother, or of one who so unquestioningly saw him as a brother, and take his life.

He didn't hate Thor, not really. He didn't desire Thor's death. But they were locked in a battle. Thor thought it was about brotherhood. It wasn't, though, Loki realized as his chaotic thoughts began to settle. That they were not brothers was simple biological fact. That they had been raised as brothers, had always believed each other to be brothers, was simple historical fact. Arguing about it was a foolish waste of time, one that Thor apparently never tired of. One that Loki felt forced to respond to, every single time, because he could never let Thor win, even if that wasn't really the battle Loki was fighting. Loki would keep fighting it, too, as hard as Thor forced him to, as a proxy for the real battle.

Looking back, Loki wasn't sure it had ever been about brotherhood, at the heart of it, even when he'd been at his most irrational. It had always been about something else. Anger, envy, resentment. Those were still there, but returning to Asgard allied with Thor, perhaps even starting when they'd both helped the Polies evacuate from the elevated station, the conflict between them had taken on a new dimension, one which Thor remained ignorant of. If Loki gave in, let Thor win, accepted being a brother again, it also meant accepting Loki's old place – one step behind Thor, in Thor's shadow, beneath Thor. Thor's idea of a brother, or at least of Loki. He would resist that until the day he died. Resistance, he reminded himself, not overt battle.

"I said we were destined to be enemies," Loki finally said, looking back at Thor to find him still sitting on the lounger but twisted around to watch him, waiting surprisingly patiently. "I didn't say that we were enemies at this precise moment."

Thor's gaze drifted as he considered that, and how to respond to it. It was a struggle. In the end, he decided to admit his bewilderment. "You confound me, Loki. I'm glad that you don't think we're enemies at this precise moment. But you treat me as though I'm your enemy, and as though you expect me to feel the same."

"To be fair, you're never that far from deciding I am your enemy," Loki said tiredly.

"That's not true."

"You were halfway to punching me in the face just today, Thor. Your memory is disturbingly short."

Thor frowned, because he had been halfway to punching Loki today, but there was no way he could concede this argument to Loki. "If I'm angry at you, that's not the same thing as seeing you as an enemy."

"But think about it, who better to be enemies than us? The son of Odin, the son of Laufey…my father took your father's eye. What will I take from you, hm?"

"You say these things only to draw me into another fight. It's as though you want me to decide that we're enemies. I know you don't think of Laufey as your father."

"That last is true, I'll grant you that," Loki said with a small smile. He didn't mind casting himself as Laufeyson for effect, but he had no interest in trying to convince anyone that it reflected any desire to truly claim Laufey or any other Frost Giant as family.

"You were brought to Asgard. You were destined to be my brother and my ally."

With light laughter Loki reclaimed the chair he'd sat in earlier. Your brother. Your ally. You needed one so your father brought you one home, hm? "Does it truly not bother you, then, that this brother and ally doesn't share your blood, or even the same color of blood? That this is not my true skin?"

"Who says it's not your true skin? You've worn this skin for over a thousand years. Does that not make it in a way more true than the other? What are you, if not Aesir? What do you even know of being Jotun? If you wish to be Aesir then you are. If you wished instead to learn about being Jotun, then-"

"I assure you I do not," Loki quickly put in. He'd had enough of that for a lifetime during this morning's journey to Jotunheim.

"But if you did, and you chose to wear the skin you were born with…of course I would need time to grow used to it. But I would grow used to it. And you would still be Loki. You would still be my brother." His lips pulled into a half smile, trying to picture it, Loki sitting across from him, talking to him about random things, all while in the body of a Frost Giant. "You would just look strange. Different," he hastily corrected. "I couldn't accept it at first. I think for a while I just pretended it wasn't true. And you weren't here to stop me from doing so. But after Midgard, and especially after this war befell us…I've done some thinking about it. About you. About us, and about our family. Even about Jotunheim. Would you…would you read the first page?" Thor asked, glancing to the journal that now rested propped up between Loki's leg and the side of the armchair.

Loki followed Thor's eyes. "Is it about Jotunheim?" he asked with a cautionary tone.

Thor slouched back and didn't bother answering.

He's actually pouting, Loki thought before giving a deliberately weary sigh and picking up the journal again. "Yesterday I killed a Frost Giant," he read aloud. "Well done. Did you think I would be displeased? I was the one who wanted to destroy the entire realm, you know."

"Keep reading," Thor muttered.

Loki did. Thor had killed five giants, and Volstagg had killed two, which sounded about right. Then Thor rambled on – and on – about how much he didn't like Frost Giant eyes. "Were you drunk when you wrote this?"

"Exhausted. Similar effects. But I knew what I was writing."

"Yesterday I killed a Frost Giant," he read silently. Thor was repeating himself. Not such a surprise. He did that when he spoke aloud, too. "Afterward, I wondered what his name was." Why? Loki asked himself, wrinkling his nose at it. One killed one's enemies in battle. One didn't ask for names, whether the enemy was Jotun or Vanir. He looked up at Thor. Has all this affected his sanity? He returned to the journal and found his place on the page. "And whether he had a brother who loved him." Oh. Loki stared at the words, clearly in Thor's handwriting, if a little messier than usual, written in haste, he thought. He swallowed, stuck on those words and uncertain what to do with them. It was touching, in some silly, sentimental way. Infuriating and edging into offensive in another. From the expectant and somewhat hopeful expression on Thor's face, he hadn't intended to infuriate or offend. But then, he never did. "So…you see random Frost Giants attacking Asgard, and in them you see me?"

"No, just that one. And it wasn't that I saw you… I saw a person. For the first time, I looked at a Frost Giant and I saw a person. A person who was afraid, who wanted to go home…and I killed him, without a second thought."

"You were at war. I fail to see the problem."

Thor shook his head. "He never fought us. He didn't want to fight. He only wanted to leave."

"He was simply taking in the sights of Asgard, then? In the wrong place at the wrong time?" Loki asked sarcastically. "This was at the Eilif Springs, was it not? I would suggest that trying to starve an entire realm counts as fighting."

"I know you won't like me saying so, but when Father noticed I was troubled, and I told him what happened, he said much the same. But you haven't heard the worst. I killed him with Mjolnir. In the back. While he was running for a portal."

Loki nodded. "I see. Again, well done. You ensured he could not return to freeze the springs a second time. Now tell me, is that what Odin said?" he asked with a falsely pleasant smile.

"No, he told me I'd made a mistake, an understandable one in the midst of battle. But it felt like more to me. I've spared others, in similar situations, when they surrendered or clearly made to leave, not just retreat. With the Frost Giants, though… I killed that one recklessly, in a way that was without honor. It bothered me deeply. It's so ingrained in us, this instinctive hatred of them. It made me act in a way I shouldn't have. It's wrong. You came from them, so it has to be wrong."

"Whatever you did then, it had nothing to do with me. So why did you want me to read this? Did you think I would be impressed by your new appreciation for Frost Giants, your remorse for killing them? Because I'm not."

"I'm not trying to impress you. I imagine it would be an impossible task," Thor added in a flash of resentment. "And I didn't write it for you, or to you, in the beginning. I wrote it for me. To keep a record of my thoughts. You know I'm not very good at organizing them, and there was so much going on…I was afraid I would forget experiences, and what I thought about them, things I didn't want to forget. So I started writing them down. And then…most of it was about you. And you weren't here for me to talk to, and even if you were, you would never have let me say what I wanted to say, so I started talking to you through this journal. It was the only way to do it without it turning into an argument."

Loki stared at Thor for a moment, then tipped his head back and laughed heartily. After this long, trying day, it felt good.

"I wasn't attempting humor," Thor said drily.

"I know," Loki said, still laughing. "And believe it or not," he said when the laughter finally started to fade, "I wasn't trying to insult you. I think I'm actually honored, in fact."

"You are?" Thor asked, full of skepticism.

"Yes. You're the one who always has to win, Thor. You knew if there was an argument, a verbal one at least, you'd lose. So you chose to win the only way you could: by ensuring I couldn't argue back. It's rather clever, I must admit. How did your arguments go, then? Did you manage to best me in my absence?"

"I wasn't trying to best you, I was trying t-"

"To understand me, right," Loki said, a pacifying hand out. "And how did that go, without me there to dispute your understanding?"

"I think I was trying to understand me more than you. Doesn't it have to start there?"

That gave Loki pause, and stole away the genuinely good humor of a moment before. It sounded vague and trite. But also disturbingly astute. It was a little too much to try to imagine what Thor might have learned, if anything at all, about himself. Loki quickly switched to wondering instead how much he understood of his own self. Impressions of the last couple of years flashed before his eyes in a blur, and given the extremes he'd vacillated between from day to day or even hour to hour, he feared the answer was one he wouldn't care to admit to, and he wasn't sure what that signified.

"Forget about the journal," Thor said, waving a hand of dismissal at the book now resting on Loki's lap again. "I thought it might mean something to you, but…perhaps I can try something else. In thinking about everything that brought us to where we are today, I realized that I needed to apologize to you, for things that go back farther than either of us finding out where you were born."

"You already did that," Loki cut in. "Through the Destroyer. Of course, you clearly had no idea what you were apologizing for, so I can't say that it was terribly meaningful. Or sincere."

"You are one to speak of sincerity," Thor said, immediately followed by a wince. "I'm not very good at saying these things, you know, so would you mind not interrupting and letting me try?"

"Why don't you go find that custom-fitted muzzle, then? That would help you get things off your chest with me actually in the room, while still being unable to dispute anything you say."

"Perhaps it would," Thor bit back, voiced raised. "It's so difficult to talk to you now. I used to be able to talk you about anything. You used to be able to talk to me about anything. Now…I don't even know what you hear I speak, but I know you don't hear what I want to say to you."

"Go on then, say what you want to say. I'll sit here silently, just the way you want me. I won't even make you get the gag." Loki waited a moment, but he recognized the look on Thor's face. "Need a reminder? You were going to apologize. Again."

Thor glared; at the moment he'd rather strangle Loki than apologize to him. And that was why he'd started writing to Loki in the journal. He tried to push those thoughts aside, because for some reason – inexplicable now that he considered it – Loki was still here. And he wasn't fool enough to think that these being Loki's chambers was enough to keep Loki here if he truly didn't want to be. "You have a singular talent for confusing me and getting me off-track. I appreciate your skill at it far better when you use it on others instead of on me. I'll try to start over now, and Loki, it's not that I want you silent, really…all right, I do, but it's more that I want you to listen."

Loki briefly cocked an eyebrow and said nothing.

"When I was on Midgard, in Puente Antiguo, you're right, I didn't know what I was apologizing for. I knew there had to be something, for you to be driven to such acts against me. I knew I had been arrogant. And since I had to bring you back from Midgard, and then see you sent to Midgard as I was, since we've been fighting this war, I have been thinking, Loki.I've come to realize that I've not always behaved as I should, as your brother, and as your friend. I know that I ignored you when I didn't like what you had to say, or when I simply didn't feel like listening."

Loki listened with rapt attention and carefully didn't react; he could tell Thor wasn't finished.

"I also made of your talents a jest, when your magic has saved my life just as my strength has saved yours, and I didn't give you the acknowledgement you deserved for the feats you accomplished. I was selfish. I teased you and I didn't realize I was crossing a line. And I fear that…when you found out the truth of your parentage, you believed you were something less than what you are…in part because I made you believe that." There were other things, too, he thought, things he'd recorded in the journal as they occurred to him, but that was everything he could remember in the moment, and he thought that it was at least improved from what he'd said in honesty but ignorance in Puente Antiguo.

Loki sat there in silence, convenient both for aggravating Thor and for taking some time to actually think through what Thor had said. Thor, predictably, didn't give him very long.

"You can speak now," Thor said, figuring Loki wasn't going to say another word until Thor gave him "permission."

"Oh, thank you," Loki said; he supposed now he had to speak. "That was better than 'whatever I have done.' First, I feel compelled to point out that I wasn't sent to Midgard as you were. You were granted a means of restoration. I was not. Second…you're still arrogant. You think I was…unhappy to find out I was a Frost Giant because you had teased me and jested about magic? You don't have that much power over me, Thor. In fact, you don't have any power over me."

"I don't seek to have power over you. But I…" And then he didn't know what else to say. He wasn't sure what point he was arguing. He thought perhaps that Loki had deliberately misconstrued what he'd said, but he wasn't entirely sure of that, either. "I give up," he said with a sigh, pushing himself up from the sofa.

"That's not like you," Loki responded, surprised and, oddly, a little disappointed. He'd gone after only the easy targets, the ones that didn't require the time for thinking that Thor hadn't allowed him. There remained, perhaps, room for further discussion or at least more argument, if he just had a little time to consider it.

"I didn't say I was giving up forever. Just tonight. I'm tired. And probably not expressing myself very well. I know what you'll say – that I never do. I'm trying. But I am tired. I hope we can talk again tomorrow. Because I haven't given up."

Loki looked up at Thor for a moment. "I know what you want," he said when Thor started to leave. Anger had begun to simmer in him, real anger, whose source he couldn't quite pinpoint, but he knew he wasn't through with Thor's latest version of an apology and he knew he wasn't ready for Thor to leave now.

Thor hesitated to answer. Probably nothing he said would be helpful. "What do you think I want?" he asked, deciding a question was the safest option.

"You want to me to accept your apology, embrace you as my brother, and join you on some adventure as though nothing had ever changed. In short, you want to turn back time. But no matter how many paths you race down, swinging your precious hammer or speaking your earnest but misguided words, you'll never find a path that will take you back there. You can't turn back time, not even with the best of intentions. I've tried. And in this particular case, I already told you that I don't want to." Loki set the journal aside and stood, continuing before Thor could speak. "I recognize that you have of late faced challenges here. But this war will end, and you will rebuild Asgard. Your mother is still your mother, your father is still your father, and you are still beloved by all, in this, your home. The Frost Giant face I gave you earlier? It was there for less than two minutes, and it was never real. Everything about your life will return to normal, Thor. Mine never will. It would be easier for all concerned if you would accept that, and let go of the past."

Thor shook his head; this time his response required no thought. "My life will not return to normal as long as my family is broken."

"Your family has been broken since the day I was brought into it. It's as you said: we just didn't know it."

Nonsense. It was such nonsense. He remembered fighting with Loki, trying to convince him and failing, getting a knife in his side for his effort. Fighting was his way. It wasn't really Loki's. It didn't work. "Lies you believe to be true, Loki. Good night."

/

"Thor and Loki are locked in a room. They talk." Several of you have heard (or rather seen!) me say that this was my preferred plot for Thor 2. Sadly, Marvel didn't agree. Of course, they weren't locked in here, either, and they're pretty tired. This conversation is over...but only for now.

This chapter contains an obvious reference to "Moving to Alfheim" (if you've read that one), and a less obvious reference to "The Memory Casket" (Thor whacking at Loki's magic red eyes) - the latter was actually unintentional, I had written it in then in final edit googled to double-check the original reference for continuity and was surprised to see it was from "Casket" instead of "Beneath"! That's okay as *generally* these two stories share the same back story and all, but it felt a bit weird.

NEWS: I requested this website add "The Other" to the "Avengers" characters...and they did! So I added him to "Titans Bearing Gifts" as I'd always intended. In a separate e-mail request at the same time, I asked for Spider-Man to be added to the movies section, as this would help me out with the wee humor crossover I want to do as a Spider-Man - Thor crossover. No word on that one yet. Bigger lift for that, obviously.

Responses to guest reviewers last two chapters (I don't always do this, but several of you asked Qs): "Alice" Thanks! Happy for the good timing, too, ha / "Pouffykitteh" Loki's been more open with Jane about a lot of stuff than he has with his family, or anyone else, so she has different insights and perspective. And Loki wants all this taken care of *yesterday* so it suits his purposes to force Gullveig to face his critics immediately...and also I just figured it was a very Loki thing to do. / Guest (Jul29) Thanks! / "Gypsy" Why thank you! Loki impressions you say? I'm curious! I don't know how common this is, but when I read what I've written, especially in final edit, it's always in the voice of the actors, as best I can manage, British accent and all. Hogun is a challenge, I don't know how to do Japanese-accented English! OK but they're definitely not killing Loki. He's in Avengers 3. So rest easy. I do suspect other characters may die though. No relationship spoilers, sorry; in general I don't do spoilers. / "C" Thanks! Including Lifhilda was a detail that wasn't really planned for but the opportunity was there so I jumped on it. For Loki, imagine, this is probably the only relationship he has from "before" that's unaffected by all that's happened. Lifhilda truly doesn't care that he's Jotun, or about the things he's done. "No animals will be harmed in the making of this production." :-) / "Lwolf" How's this for soon? :-) / "C" Loki has really been thrown into something he's not ready for, with his return to Asgard. He's still feeling his way through this. Yeah, that's his decision there, to coexist, while resisting being pulled back into his old life, especially by Thor, as much as possible - he sees this as temporary, but for right now he's stuck with it. Re Baldur, you're so right, what Thor said about healing starting with Loki telling the truth, that's true as Thor understands, but YES, Loki was in fact lying (well, Loki was at a stage then where he believed it was true...but he definitely stuck with it when he realized it wasn't true!). That story will be further dealt with. Brokk, hm? Hmmmm. "And everything will be well in the cosmos" - Ch. 573. / "Prodigium" Thanks! Selby's name isn't based on anybody. I think I just wanted a name that sounded vaguely "geeky" plus a bit unusual with "Selby," and "Higgins" just sounded like a stereotypical name of someone who gets a PhD; I think I also wanted names that sounded like they could be a little "uptight". Just stereotypes and name associations really. / "fourdevils" Thanks! Properly, yes, but you can judge how far they got. I see it as progress actually though it may not seem like it! Loki holds back a LOT with Thor, and keeps him at arm's length with sarcasm and insults and a "proxy battle." / Guest (Aug18) I think Thor's wanted to do that for a while now, but in his mind, with the journal, it's like the relationship's already better b/c Thor's done this thinking about it, and he's convinced Loki isn't the world-conquering crazed man he was, he wants that demonstrative closeness and he knows this is the only way Loki will permit it right now! / "C" Great Q...b/c that's basically from Thor's subconscious. What did Thor see in Loki there that reminded him of Odin? On the surface - & my initial thought - it's how everyone is full of emotion, visible joy & excitement, and Loki stands there stoic and silent looking out at everyone, the usual image of Odin. But I've also often thought that Loki & Odin have a number of things in common, for example their shrewdness. Thor shares some traits with Odin and Loki shares others. So it's open to interpretation. (And that could include thinking Loki looked like a king.) Personally, I think neither Loki nor Thor was prepared to be king (and certainly Loki was in a horrible psychological state to be given that kind of power when he was), but either *could* be a good king. I do think though that Loki would *really* chafe at it before long; as Hiddleston said once, basically, Loki grew up with a kind of freedom Thor didn't have, and I think he would begin to really despise having to give that up. (The throne's *not* a great place to make mischief from.)

Oopsie that got long!

Previews for Ch. 174: Loki's stuff at the South Pole isn't only in the jamesway; a couple of Polies have a dream; good news disturbs someone's dream on Asgard; Loki deals with Thor and Odin and many other familiar faces; Loki needs another key...and a meal; and maybe more, hard to figure out where to break this chapter!

Excerpt:

"Jane…can I photograph those? That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"No! No, these are Loki's. You can't just take pictures of his stuff."