Yeah, this is kind of like a chapter I already posted, but I made some major revisions to it to make it more interesting and fun.

Plus, I added a new twist at the end.

I will get to the new part of the story soon, I just wanted to improve the old stuff first.

I would have just gone back and changed the old chapters themselves, but there's some new story here too, and I wanted you to know I was actually working on something.

Hey, Evil Dead didn't take off until they re-released it as a comedy. I view this as a similar improvement.

Also, I realize Cassie kinda dropped out of the story at this point, so I'm making her more involved.

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"How'd you know I was a boy?" I stammered. "Because I thought we had the...other thing kinda well established, and I have a cloaca...You been looking somewhere you shouldn't be?"

Cassie chortled through her nose. "I accidentally said the wrong thing, but since you mentioned it..."

Warmth rushed to my face. "You just made a dinosaur blush. Can you see me blushing?"

She squinted, clearly indicating she couldn't, but she still said, "Oh yeah! You're totally blushing!"

"You liar."

The little girl giggled.

Tin cans rumbled as Felicity emerged from the recycle barrel. Cassie quickly jumped behind my girlfriend, clutching her dinosaur bone like a ball bat.

I dumped a giant salad bowl on Felicity's head, shattering it with a soup ladle (Soup of the day: Chicken Tortilla, quite messy). My opponent fell semi-unconscious.

I glanced anxiously at Moriarty as she sniffed the crack at the bottom of the kitchen door, banging her snake-like noggin against the metal.

Idiot. I groaned and shook my head as Moriarty again pounded the door with her skull. "Anyway, mind rephrasing that last request, little girl? Because I could either fight her or kiss her."

Biddie gave me a wild look, and an indignant snorting noise like `You'd better not kiss her!'

Cassie rolled her eyes. "If you can save Tim and Lex, I don't care what you do."

I swallowed hard. "Woww!"

Of course...Biddie's neck rolling action indicated I probably should do the fighting thing.

Clouseau (now with a face scalded by cheese) let out an angry shriek, jumping at me with toe claws extended.

I dodged out of the way at the last second, and she had to spend an entire minute trying to extricate her claws from a leatherette booth seat.

I crossed my arms, watching Moriarty continue to head-butt the door. "I think the other kids are safe."

Cassie imitated me, also crossing her arms.

Moriarty decided she would bop the door handle with her skull. Still I watched and waited, wondering when, or if this simpleton would figure the mechanism out.

To be honest, I maybe watched Moriarty's tail and hindquarters a little, too. Cassie did say she didn't care! "By the way, your dinosaur bone attack was badass. How'd you learn to do that?"

She shrugged. "From watching you, I guess."

I grinned. "Sensei have many thing to teach young grasshopper!"

Cassie dropped her arms to her side, frowning at our diamond backed enemy. "You should probably do something..."

"I don't know, she's obviously too dumb to even figure out—"

Moriarty's claw touched the door handle.

A lucky break. Like how a dog can pop a fence gate by jumping up and wiggling their paw back and forth. The door swung inward.

"Uh-oh."

Giving me a nasty grin, Moriarty darted into the kitchen before I could stop her.

"Hey!"

At the same time, Hastings and Felicity, both smelling of corn syrup, shoved past me, putting the children in further peril.

"Go!" Cassie urged.

I turned to face the kitchen, glanced back at the girl. "Wait, what about you? It's not safe out here. I can't just leave you!"

Cassie narrowed her eyes, hefting her bone weapon. "I'm coming with you."

"It's not safe."

"It's not safe anywhere. Plus I've got your girlfriend. I'll be fine."

I frowned. "I guess you got a point. Stay close."

I gave Biddy a nervous look.

She answered with a puzzled "Whaaa?" and a parrot grunt that seemed to ask `What are you worried about?'

I gave her a sharp `You'd better' bark.

Biddy gave the I love you sound.

"Cassie, be nice to..." I smirked at my girlfriend. "You know what? Biddy's a terrible name. You deserve something more beautiful. If I understood what the kid was yelling out the window in Neverending Story, I'd name you that, but...How about April Zelda?"

My girlfriend made a pleasant `I don't know' sound. I might as well have asked her "Who put the Ram in the Ram-Alam-A-Ding-Dong?"

I resorted to pointing. "Me Albert. You Zelda April."

She smiled. "Squee!"

"See? I knew you'd like it."

Clouseau and Mickey pushed their way by the girl.

The fondue scarred one gave her a glance that said `I'll eat you later,' but Mickey stopped, whirled around to face Cassie.

She bared her pointy teeth, opened her mouth wide, drool trickling down her chin.

Zelda snarled at her.

I snarled too.

Then...Cassie snarled, waving her dinosaur bone threateningly.

I groaned, but Zelda smiled a little, as if proud of baby's attempt at being a tough dinosaur.

Mickey uttered a low growl and scampered on.

"Kids!" I yelled into the room. "You got company!"

Zorro Mask popped in last, giving me a complimentary belch in passing. Hey, I hear that's how Eskimos say thank you.

The pack now stalked around inside the kitchen. Moriarty barked orders.

The raptors sniffed around, split up, Moriarty and Hastings strutting between the sinks and stainless steel food preparation tables, Felicity and Cheese Face padding down a middle aisle, Zorro and Mickey by the gas range. Felicity's feet, sticky with soda, made suckering noises as she walked.

A sudden grinding, scrapity-scrape sound put everyone on alert.

Remember how I used to order food from the kitchen using a computer? I don't pretend to understand how it worked, but they had their own computer there, and a dot matrix printer in the back corner. A sign on a nearby freezer chest read `Food Recycling Project'.

My food always did taste a little...stale. Putting two and two together, I once again came to the realization that Hammond didn't always "Spare no expense."

Anyway, not sure why it chose to print out an order...now, maybe it had something to do with the power systems booting back up?

Zelda and Cassie trailed behind Hastings beside the sink. Cassie tried to charge ahead on Zelda's back and club the streaky one, but my girlfriend refused to move.

Frustrated, Cassie jumped off Zelda and rushed forward, but Zelda chomped on the girl's shirt and forcefully tossed her backwards.

The bark Zelda gave sounded mean, but it meant, `Bad baby,' not `I'm going to kill you.'

"I wanna help!" Cassie cried.

Zelda grunted something akin to `Hush, don't draw attention to yourself.' She cast me a look that said, `What have you gotten me into?'

I'm only one dinosaur. To ensure Tim and Lex's safety, I didn't just jump in and bust heads. I had to plan this out carefully, so they'd be able to escape with their innards intact.

...So I watched.

Moriarty hopped up on a counter, tail sending pots and pans crashing to the floor.

Startled by the clattering, Hastings peered through a cabinet. Finding nothing, she chirped at Moriarty for making too much noise.

Jangle, clatter, clinkety clank. Somebody had just jostled a bunch of cooking utensils.

Felicity and Clouseau froze, staring at each other. `Did you just do that?'

Felicity jumped on a stainless steel table, upsetting a giant pot and a saucepan. A thunderous noise ensued, a ladle causing such a racket that the two stopped and stared at it. The speckly one shifted her feet, frowning at the suckering sound they made on the chrome surface. Clouseau glared at the ladle, wrinkling her scarred face. I rolled my eyes at their stupidity.

I squinted, searching for visual clues of my human comrades' whereabouts.

For a moment, I thought I glimpsed Tim's shoe, but then it disappeared.

It seemed the other raptors saw what I did. They sniffed, rushing toward one of the cabinets.

Clang clang clang!

I whipped my head around. Lex knelt on the floor, banging on the tiles with a large mixing spoon. "Hey! Over here!"

"Jeez, kid," I groaned. "You just gotta be the hero."

The moment Moriarty perked up and rushed toward the sound, I picked up a great big wok and bashed her in the diamond patterned head a few times. "Not the mama! Not the mama! Not the mama!"

She slumped unconscious on the tiles.

Undaunted by Zelda's mothering, Cassie hopped up on a table, hurling ice cream bowls, salt and pepper shakers and a bag of sugar at Hastings. Quite a few of the objects struck home, her streaky tail sparkling with sugar granules.

Hastings whirled around and growled at Zelda, the basic gist being `Keep control of your pet or I'll have it as a snack.'

Zelda's answer (I paraphrase): `It does that when its pack feels threatened. They're usually very affectionate.'

Hastings responded with a skeptical snort.

My girlfriend grabbed the girl's clothing with her teeth, yanking her back to safety.

I pretended not to notice Lex slipping inside a cabinet, but Clouseau and Hastings turned to face that way.

Meanwhile, Tim limped toward a walk-in freezer. Guess he hadn't completely recovered from the fence and CPR and all that stuff - he moved awful slow.

I crept nearer to Lex. Displaying any `tells' would draw attention to her hiding spot, so I instead feigned ignorance, padding up beside the cabinet to `castle' her.

She shot me a questioning look, raised a hand to give a slight wave. I hazarded a wink.

Hastings and Clouseau turned toward the cabinet, their tails sending pots, cutting boards and porcelain plates crashing and banging to the floor.

"Great, now you scared her!" I bluffed, pointing to a different cabinet. "I think she went over there!"

Clouseau actually looked, but Hastings only growled at me.

In the meantime, Mickey and Felicity had quietly stalked up beside Tim. I didn't see much of an `out' for him, despite how, due to the current noisy distraction, neither paid him much attention.

I unfortunately couldn't be in two places at once. I telegraphed my predicament to my girlfriend, but I noticed Zorro creeping around Cassie's back.

Zelda snarled at the well fed raptor, then cast me a look that said, `You can do it.' She nodded in Cassie's direction, indicating `Busy.'

Squick squick squick. Felicity crept around behind Zelda, intent on overpowering her and getting to the girl. I pointed.

Zelda snarled at her speckly sister. `She's mine!' It meant.

Cassie, noting that she hadn't been killed yet, clung to my girlfriend like a shield.

Lex reached up, attempting to close the cabinet she hid within. Hastings darted around a prep table, bearing straight for her...Well, in that general direction.

Thinking quickly, I cranked a gas burner to high and grabbed another large wok.

Foof! Blue flame blossomed from the range. I set the wok down, dousing the inner surface with liberal amounts of oil.

Hastings and Clouseau froze, staring at me.

"Hey guys, free cooking demonstration! Stand back, nonbelievers!"

Schloop! In went scallions and whatever random edibles I found lying about. I didn't follow a recipe or anything. I'm pretty sure at least a couple of the foods should never be combined together.

I gave Hastings and Fondue Face a show, humming to myself as I flipped the (probably tasteless) concoction around like the Chinese chefs I'd seen on TV.

Ignoring me, Clouseau leapt at Lex...or rather her reflection in the polished cooking island directly across from her.

Bang! Her skull struck the metal surface. She collapsed dazed to the floor.

Cassie laughed.

I glanced toward the sinks. The masked one now squatted on the floor like a dog, the messy squirting noises indicating something she'd eaten hadn't agreed with her.

While this transpired, Tim had slowly been creeping toward the open door of the walk-in freezer.

Hastings perked up, did an about-face.

Mickey, likewise, having excellent peripheral vision, detected motion.

Although my antics served to gain the boy some distance, the two raptors whipped their heads around to glare at him.

I jostled the wok, allowing fire to leap into the basin, and with a mighty leap, hurled the flaming (likely inedible) stir fry into Mickey's face. "Bon apetit!"

I cracked her over the head with the scalding metal on the rebound. She fell unconscious.

Although weak, Tim managed to make himself scarce, diving in the cooler.

Lex now rushed down a nearby aisle on all fours, momentarily unnoticed. Well, except by me.

Felicity crouched and sprang into the freezer after the boy, Hastings racing across a countertop and leaping after.

Seconds later, Tim burst from the interior with surprising speed.

Lex popped out of hiding, pushing on the door.

I ran to give aid, but Clouseau, no longer semi-conscious, jumped in my way.

I picked up a baker's mini blowtorch and a can of Pam, blasting her in the face with flame. "Whew! What a scorcher!"

By the time she retreated with third degree burns, the children already had the freezer shut. Lex slammed a locking pin through the door handle, trapping Felicity and Hastings inside. The two children rushed out a side door.

I glanced at my girlfriend, and the area around my girlfriend. No tufts of red hair or plump little kid hands.

I nonverbally gestured `Where' to Zelda, but she only rolled her eyes and made this `Your kid...' sound.

I pantomimed hugging myself, signing `Safe?'

She gave the `I dunno' noise, then `I'll look.'

With a grateful nod, I pursued Tim and Lex instead.

Seconds later, Moriarty dropped down in front of me and snarled.

In other words, `It's on.'

The heavy breathing and burnt meat smells behind me indicated I didn't have just her to contend with.

My eyes widened in alarm as Cassie, with ninja-like stealth, popped out of a cabinet, brandishing a large rolling pin.

She raised the object with a bold "Kyaaa!" and with a mighty swing, caused it to make contact with my enemy's head.

Moriarty clenched her teeth in pain, and with a growl of annoyance whipped around, snatching the weapon out of Cassie's hands.

Her fanged mouth opened again.

"It's been nice knowing you, little girl!" I whispered.

I knew I had to act quickly, or my little friend would become a snack. I tapped my rattlesnake skinned enemy on the shoulder.

When she turned around, I jumped into the air, kicking both foes in the head simultaneously. If this had been a Kung Fu movie, it would have been a graceful, balletic act shown in slow motion to demonstrate precision muscle control. If performed by Bolo Yeung, it would also be accompanied by brutality and crippling injuries.

I wasn't too bad at normal speed, though.

As they groaned on the floor, I visually searched the room for dangers.

Freezer door still shut. Zorro...still had the poopies.

"C'mon, Cassie. We gotta get you out of here." I patted my flanks. "Quick. Onto my back."

Her eyes widened. "You volunteered!"

Grinning, the girl eagerly hopped up.

She pointed to my dazed enemies. "Wait, what about them?"

"We'll, uh, figure that out later." I chirped `Watch them' to Zelda and hurried down the aisle.

A bunch of pots and dishes came crashing to the floor, and Moriarty loomed over me from the countertop.

I tossed my rider behind me. "Get somewhere safe, and hurry!"

Moriarty scowled as Cassie crept away from me.

Zelda made `Over here!' and `Come to me!' noises to the girl. Surprisingly, Cassie seemed to understand, rushing off behind a kitchen island.

"Hey," I stammered, claws raised in surrender. "Can we have a truce? I promise to leave you alone if you leave me and my friends alone." In Raptor speak, I added, `Let us go, we no fight?'

Moriarty jumped, tackling me to the linoleum. A moment of confused wrestling ensued.

Moriarty gazed into my eyes, sniffed my body up and down, deeply inhaling my scent.

A sniff and a glance told me everything I needed to know: My enemy was not actually female.

A disgusted grunt also indicated that my foe had discovered the same thing about me.

My girlfriend led Cassie to the main entrance, growling something about opening the door.

The little human crossed her arms. "No! I wanna help!"

Zelda grunted an argument that Cassie couldn't help anything.

"I can too!"

"Growl, growl, growl."

"So I'm not a dinosaur, so what?"

"Raar!"

"Well rar to you too!"

Zelda blew a raspberry.

Cassie gave one in return. Luckily the only raptor near her still moaned on the floor with a case of indigestion.

Moriarty, clearly displeased by our closeness, opened his fanged mouth to rip out my jugular.

I moved a millisecond before his teeth snapped shut. I still got fangs sinking into my shoulder.

I balled my claws into fists, punching my foe in the face.

Moriarty roared, drove his claws into my chest.

I kicked him in the cloaca.

Forcefully.

What's a cloaca, you might ask? It's a baby making thing. Birds have it. Look it up.

Anyways, I kicked the thing. Several times. He doubled over in pain.

Okay, so...kinda difficult location to be kicking, but I did it, I swear.

"Albert!" Cassie screamed.

April-Zelda now faced off against the raptor I'd deep fried, my female getting bitten and chewed bloody in the process.

I shoved Moriarty away from me, leaping onto the counter.

Moriarty lunged, but I grabbed a stack of plates and threw them in his face. An amazing amount of noise, by the way.

Picking up an industrial stew pot, I jumped from the stainless steel table, directly onto Clouseau's back.

Trying not to think about the kinkiness of the situation, I brought the pot down on the burned creature's head, playing bongo drums with it.

"Look out!" Cassie cried.

Too late. Moriarty jumped with claws extended. I fell to the floor bleeding, pressed beneath his weight.

"Die!" he said in English.

I did a double take. "Did you just talk?"

"Die!" Moriarty repeated.

"Well! I see you're not much for conversation." I bit and clawed at him, attempting to shove him off. Moriarty raked me across the face, kicked me in the cloaca (he's a fast learner). His claws dug into my throat.

Shoom! White foam exploded in my enemy's face. Cassie had somehow lugged a fire extinguisher that way and given him a generous blast.

She sprayed Moriarty again, filling my field of vision with white fog.

Cassie cracked him over the head with a pepper grinder, then a wooden cutting board. It didn't do that much damage, but it got Moriarty pretty upset. The child's body sailed through the air, banging into a stove.

The stew pot clattered to the floor. Her impact also caused the corner of a waffle iron to bump against the play button on a stereo.

The stereo just so happened to have Scooby Doo songs in its tape deck. Currently, a George Robinson song:

"I took a cup full of sunshine,

Added a touch of the rainbow,

Sprinkled some happiness around it,

And a little bit from a song that I know,

One smile and a whole lot of lovin' in my recipe,

All that couldn't make up my baby, and what my baby means to me...(1)"

Nearby, Zelda and Clouseau shrieked at each other. Lots of angry back and forth sounds. Dinosaur argument. It hadn't quite come to fisticuffs...yet.

The fog cleared. Moriarty shrieked at me.

Groaning, Cassie rubbed her head and sat up.

"Go," I mouthed to her. "Get out of here!"

Only when Moriarty turned and stalked after her did she hop to her feet and run.

Cassie grabbed a sack of flour, throwing it in Moriarty's face. Our enemy paused a moment, coughing and wiping his eyes, his muzzle. The girl used the opportunity to race to the door.

Clang! I glanced back and discovered, to my delight, that my girlfriend had brought the stew pot down on Clouseau's head. Zelda had learned to use tools!

No time for celebration. While I had been watching the exchange, both Cassie and the ghost white, flour battered Raptor had left the kitchen.

I skidded on flour as I hurried to the door. When Zelda followed, she slid too.

A narrow hallway lay beyond the kitchen's rear door. The moment we stepped in, I heard a thump and metallic clanging. Clouseau had slipped and fallen on her butt.

Out I rushed into the restaurant.

Smelling a familiar brand of cigarettes, I froze.

As previously stated, I have excellent peripheral vision, so right away I identified the smoker.

Small woman, black hair, Rubenesque figure. When she noticed me, her trembling fingers dropped the cigarette.

"Oh shit! Oh shit!" She retreated behind a planter.

My jaw dropped in surprise. "Cynthia?"

Her head popped back up. "Ebert?"

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1. My Recipe, Copyright 1969.