Fifteen: The Cave

She had been dreading the first Hogsmeade visit ever since she'd replied to Sirius' letter. Her first instinct had been to simply never respond. After the battle, he'd just disappeared with no one in the Order seemingly any wiser as to his whereabouts. At first, she'd suspected they simply hadn't wanted to tell her what they no doubt deemed 'sensitive Order secrets'. His latest letter, had left her wondering if they had even known.

Still, secret mission or not, that was no excuse for his lacking correspondence. Everyone in the Order had reached out to her and while she hadn't always appreciated the attention that entailed, she'd appreciated that they'd at least tried. Not Sirius. He'd disappeared and while Harry had been his godson, he had been her friend. After all the time they'd spent up cooped in at Grimmauld Place 12 together, she'd expected at least something.

And now, all she'd gotten was a letter too short to be even called cryptic. So, as tempting as it'd been to tell him to go to hell, curiosity had gotten the better of her. That and the fact that she still cared for him. But as they day of their supposed reunion got closer, she got more and more nervous. Sirius had been in a dark place even before the eighteenth of June. There was no telling in what state he'd be now.

While she hadn't told the Order, she had told Astoria that she'd be meeting with an escaped convict who had proven himself capable of murder. Needless to say, her friend had been trying to dissuade her ever since, an effort that continued as they walked towards Hogsmeade on a particularly cold nineteenth of October. At this point, Ginny was well familiar with the arguments her friend had been recycling for the past few weeks.

"You said yourself he was deranged, Ginny," Astoria protested, wrapping her shawl tighter around her neck as they fought against the biting cold.

"I didn't say that," she protested, her voice muffled by her scarf. On days like these, her scars seemed to pulsate just a little bit more, as if Dolohov's curse itself resented the cold.

"Fine, unstable then. An unstable, convicted murderer."

"Falsely convicted."

"But not for a lack of trying, mind you," Astoria said. Ginny had come to regret divulging the second hand account she'd received of that night in the Shrieking Shack. "And after having disappeared off the map for months, suddenly he wants to talk with you? And you can't tell the Order? Something's off here, Ginny."

"Maybe, but he's still a friend. And Harry's godfather. I'm meeting him."

"Fine, but I'm coming with you," Astoria declared. Ginny stopped in her tracks

"I'm sorry, what?" She asked.

"If I can't stop you from going, I can at least come along to keep you safe."

"What, with your incorporeal Patronus?"

"Oh no, we're not going there," Astoria bristled.

Her progress with the Patronus charm had been a sore point. Ginny thought she was doing rather well. Apart from Seamus and Anthony Goldstein, no one had pulled off a corporeal Patronus since the last meeting, yet Astoria had taken her own failure personally. Ginny was beginning to suspect her friend's memory might not be up to the task, but any inquiries into that field had been blocked off rather decisively. And, as unwilling as she was to divulge her own memory, Ginny didn't feel like she was in any position to insist.

"You're not coming along. Sirius doesn't know you. If he sees an unknown -" Ginny hesitated, the word 'Slytherin' already on the tip of her tongue, "-student, he won't show himself."

"I'm sure he'll at least approach us in that Animagus form of his. Then you can explain," Astoria said.

"Even then, I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"Why? According to you, he's harmless," Astoria said smugly. Ginny just rolled her eyes and they continued the rest of their walk to Hogsmeade in silence, except for the occasional recasting of a warming charm.

Hogsmeade had changed just as much as Diagon Alley. An all-permeating atmosphere of fear had settled on the village that even the influx of Hogwarts students could not repel. You saw it in the way people hurried across the streets, the absence of vivid colours in the storefronts that hadn't been boarded up and the Aurors surveying the place. All in all, a Grim didn't look out of place, perched on a rock at the edge of the village as he was. Sirius was watching the students with an intentness Ginny had never seen before in his eyes. It reminded her of Moody.

"There he is," she said, nudging Astoria gently. Her friend's eyes followed her gaze and eventually landed on the Grim.

"That's one big dog," she said, her tone somewhere between appreciative and scared.

"Still want to come along?"

"Of course," she said, and if she hesitated briefly, Ginny didn't hold it against her.

The two of them detached themselves from the crowd and headed for the dog. As soon as they neared him, he took off, leading them past a rarely used path towards a cave. Astoria eyed it dubiously and Ginny could tell that underneath all those layers of clothing, she was gripping her wand. She resisted the urge to do the same. This was Sirius. He was on their side. On Harry's side.

The cave was a damp and cramped affair, littered with old copies of the Prophet, gnawed off bones that Astoria tried her best to ignore and a few rags that could once have been blankets. In the middle of this little kingdom sat the Grim, eying them closely.

"You can change back, Sirius, Tori knows. She's on our side," Ginny said.

The dog stared back. Ginny could feel the doubt dripping from it, paired with contempt for Astoria's green and silver tie. Then, the dog shimmered and before them appeared a skeleton-thin man, clad in partially torn robes and shrouded in a black, tattered cloak. His hair was wild and a new scar ran from his left ear all the way to his right jaw. After Azkaban, you'd still been able to tell he'd been handsome once. Now, even that had been taken from him.

Sirius goes straight for Bellatrix, seeing only his cousin and the wand she's pointing at his godson. Within seconds, spells are flying back and forth. Bellatrix is screaming and taunting Sirius, who happily returns the favour. Right until he sees the lifeless forms of Hermione and Ron and a gravity settles over him that is completely alien to him, as if cutting through the fog that is twelve years of Azkaban. Harry is looking like he's never seen Sirius before.

Only, somehow Bellatrix is his match and more than it after her own fourteen years in Azkaban. Sirius is going to lose and everyone realises it, except he himself.

He still doesn't quite realise it when he goes down in a spray of blood, Bellatrix trying to catch the droplets in the air with her tongue.

"Hello, Sirius," she said. Astoria took a step closer to her.

"Ginny," he greeted her, his voice rough with disuse. "Are you sure she's good for it?" he asked, shaking his head in the direction of Astoria.

"She's my friend," Ginny replied. "So yes."

"Loyalty to your friends. I really wonder why they keep calling that a Hufflepuff virtue, we Gryffindors revel in it. And then learn to regret it," he said darkly, ghosts of a Halloween long ago dancing behind his eyes. "But whatever. Thank you for coming." He pointed his wand at a pile of branches in the corner, and a flame sprang forth to light up the firewood.

"Fucking cold," he rasped.

Sirius shuffled closer to the fire, holding his hands close to it. The flames cast long shadows across his face, almost erasing his scar. At least around him Ginny didn't need to feel self-conscious. They'd both been marked by the Department of Mysteries. She edged a bit closer herself, letting the comforting heat wash over her, though Astoria stayed where she was.

A silence descended upon the cave. Invitation or not, Sirius didn't seem in any hurry to speak. Instead, his eyes were glued to the fire, as if finding truths in it that only he could see. Astoria gave her a doubtful look, but Ginny just waited. If anyone could understand the need for time, it was her.

"Thank you for coming," he repeated again. "I apologise for taking so long to write. It was… difficult to find the right words. In the end, I gave up on trying and just wrote," he said, an ugly hint of a smile passing across his face.

"Where have you been?" she asked.

"Here. There. Everywhere," Sirius said. "You didn't tell anyone in the Order about this, right?"

"No. Just Tori," she said. Sirius' eyes flickered to her friend. Then, he shook his head like a wet dog.

"Tori. Doesn't sound like a Slytherin name," he said.

"It's short for Astoria," Astoria replied.

"Ah. Yes," he said and then his gaze returned to the fire.

"Why did you want to see me, Sirius?" Ginny asked.

"To give you this," he said, reaching inside his tattered cloak and pulling out a wand. He tossed it at her and she caught it instinctively.

"A wand?" she asked.

"Mulciber's wand." Ginny almost dropped the wand in revulsion. "He was at the Department of Mysteries, wasn't he?" Sirius asked, a hunger in his eyes to match his voice.

"He was," she said, turning it around and thinking of all the horrible curses that had sprung from the wand that night until she'd brought him down herself.

"I also got Macnair, but I couldn't get his wand. His friends showed up when they heard the noise," Sirius said, flashing her a grin. Unlike the last one, this was a full-out smile, but no less gruesome.

"Is that what you've been doing?" she asked.

"Yes. Someone had to and the Order sure as hell wasn't."

"Getting revenge," she muttered as Astoria took a few steps until she was standing right next to her.

"Getting revenge and winning the war in the process. I'm done with Stunners. It's not as if they showed you any mercy. Showed Harry any mercy," he snarled, spittle flying from his mouth and evaporating in the fire.

"And that's why you're here? To tell me…"

"That I'm avenging you all? Yes. Slow work, but rewarding. I recommend it. You could come if you want?" he asked, trying and failing to conceal the need in his voice.

"Me?" she stammered.

She could hardly believe her ears. He wanted her to run away with him and do what? Live as a fugitive and strike from the darkness against Death Eaters? Go around collecting wands of the dead? It was almost flattering that he'd reached out to her, if it wasn't so sad. Maybe he'd already reached out to others. Or maybe he'd just surmised that no one else would consider it. She wasn't sure what it had said about her that he thought she might be amenable.

"Yes, you," Sirius said, looking up from the fire. "I know how much you cared for all of them. For Harry. You're not like the rest of the Order who wept and once they'd pretended enough that they cared, they went on with their lives. But you, you really grieved. Because they were your friends. And because they hurt you," he said, his voice low. "You understand pain. Like me. Like they will."

"Sirius… I'm still in school," she said, latching onto the first rational argument that came to mind. If mum ever found out about this, she'd kill Sirius herself.

"So what? What does Hogwarts matter? Your O.W.L's won't end the war. Nine Outstanding won't avenge Harry. But this will."

Their eyes met for the first time.

When she saw the darkness in them, any doubt she might have had, was erased. Sirius wasn't fully sane anymore. Maybe not quite as deranged as Rookwood or as twisted as Dolohov, but not quite whole either. Parts of him had come undone in Azkaban and with Harry's death, they'd crumbled. Suddenly, the cave seemed a lot smaller and darker.

"Come on, Ginny," he insisted, taking a step closer and extending a thin hand, more bone than meat. Involuntarily, she took a step back.

"You were there!" he screamed when she remained silent. "You were there when Harry died!"

"Sirius, come home, please," she said instead. "We'll win this war, we'll honour Harry's memory. But together. Hunting them, it won't fix anything," It won't bring back Harry, she wanted to say but the words didn't make it past her lips.

"We're well past fixing anything," he snapped.

"Perhaps. But we can still break a lot more if we aren't careful."

"Careful? You sound like Remus," Sirius breathed.

That told her she wasn't the first he'd approached. Perhaps he'd trusted only Professor Lupin to understand. Perhaps he'd approached everyone in the Order, made the same overtures and been denied each time. That would explain the desperation in his voice.

"Sirius, I just want to make sure we don't lose anyone else."

"Who is there still to lose? Harry's gone," he said, his voice dropping to a whisper and shoulders drooping. He shuffled back to the fire and gazed at it for so long, Ginny wondered if he'd forgotten they were there. When he spoke again, his voice was so low she barely could make out the words. "I promised I'd protect him, James. And I failed. I'm sorry," he muttered. Ginny could feel her skin crawl. He had always had one leg in the past, but now he'd tumbled all the way backward.

Astoria took her arm and tried to guide her towards the exit, but Ginny stood there as if frozen. She couldn't just leave him here. He needed help, but what could she offer? She still fought the same battles in her mind each night. Maybe that was why Sirius was doing what he did. Maybe finding new battles to fight helped him forget the ones that came before.

"Don't you want to get Dolohov, Ginny?" he asked finally, turning back to her. "After what he did to you?"

And of course she did. Every day she looked in the mirror and saw those scars. Every time she could feel them move. Every time she could see them reflected in other's people horror. That was all Dolohov's fault and for that, she wanted him to suffer. To die.

"Yes," she admitted.

"I can help you do that, Ginny," he said.

For a moment, she could see it and she was tempted. So tempted. She and Sirius standing over a writhing Dolohov. Scarring him like he'd scarred her. Using the Transmogrifian Torture on him and hearing him scream. Maybe then she'd finally stop hearing him in her dreams. But that would mean admitting that the part of her that told her there wasn't anything worth living for anymore was right. The part that Tom always agreed with, and she on the darkest of nights agreed with as well, when the whispers were at its most convincing.

And then she thought of Astoria next to her, still standing there even though she was visibly shaken by Sirius. And her mum, her whole family, who rather than being broken up by the death of Ron, had pulled together and held each other just that little tighter than before. How they'd sat by her bed and not once been terrified of her scars. Who still saw the same Ginny they'd always seen. And although that could be infuriating sometimes, she knew it was the clearest proof of love anyone could wish for. As long as she still had that, she couldn't give up. She wouldn't give up. Not even for revenge.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," she said, shaking her head and putting Mulciber's wand back on the ground. Sirius followed her movement and whatever hope had remained in him, seemed to die that instant. She could see it in the way he withdrew into himself.

"I thought you cared for Harry. Guess I was wrong," he said and it hurt. She knew he was wrong. Knew he was just hurting and lashing out. It still hurt.

"I cared for Harry. I still do," she said. "Enough to know that this isn't what he'd have wanted. He'd have wanted for the war to end. He wouldn't want us going around butchering people in the dark until our luck ran out. And I think you know that too, Sirius. Please don't let this devour you."

"Excuses," Sirius spat. s "Nothing but excuses. First from Remus, now from you. Go get your .'s, Ginny, if you're that afraid of doing what was right. "She'd never be able to reach him, she realised. No doubt Professor Lupin had tried as well, and failed.

Come on, Tori," she said, suddenly too tired to argue. Too tired to try to save Sirius Black, who didn't want to be saved anyway. Her friend draped an arm around her and guided her towards the exit. She could feel the tension in Tori's arms.

At the threshold of the cave she hesitated and cast a final look backwards. Sirius was gazing at the fire as it slowly died. His hands were shaking and his lips were moving, conversing with ghosts only he could perceive. She feared this was the last time she'd ever see him alive again. But try as she might, she couldn't think of anything else to say or do.

So instead, she took another step until they were back under the cold, bright autumn sky. She just stood there, arms dangling by her side, feeling utterly lost and helpless. It must have showed on her face, because next she knew, Astoria had wrapped her in another hug.

"Do all Slytherins hug so much?" she replied, hugging back awkwardly.

"Only the best ones," Tori said, and then sobered. "Don't let his words get you. He's a broken man."

"I know," Ginny said with a pained smile. "I just wish I could save him."

"Some people don't want to be saved. They just want to burn up."