03: A Friend.
Shouko Nishimiya received a text from her little sister, Yuzuru and she clicked it open without thinking much about it and that was her first mistake. There was a picture of a dead cat attached to the text and she didn't need to look up to know that the kind, Hachiman Hikigaya, who was no longer a stranger, had seen it by looking over her shoulders. He physically flinched and moved a step back and Shouko thought whether she could explain her sister's behaviour in a manner which didn't make her sound weird or off-putting. But alas, she didn't need to as he had drawn his own conclusions.
'Are you being bullied?'
Shouko felt something tighten in her chest, like a rusted screw being driven into the heart with a dull screwdriver. It was slow and painful and each turn was felt with drops of fresh nightmares from many a nights before, faces which didn't leave. Neither figments, nor ghosts, real but not real, capable to hurt, but not hurt, a name, but not a name – Shouya Ishida.
Shouko couldn't meet Hikigaya-san's eyes but she shook her head to let him know that, this wasn't the case, she wasn't being bullied. It was the truth, that happened in the past, in grade school, that person was not here. She went through high school without coming face to face with him, even though she lived in the same town and dreaded every corner, every dark alley, the fear of running into him, constant throughout her entire life. But now she had left her hometown and entered into college and Shouya Ishida couldn't reach her here, couldn't hurt her, couldn't make her bleed, couldn't make the world sound even more silent than it already is.
Shouko reached up and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and when one of her fingers touched the surface of her hearing aid, only then did she return to reality, where she was greeted by a kinder, gentler face, etched with worry and something else, which she couldn't quite understand, yet.
But the next train had arrived by now and it was a welcome distraction. Shouko had answered his question, but from the look of his eyes, she knew he didn't quite believe it. Hachiman Hikigaya, she ran the name though her mind, repeating it once more for emphasis.
He seemed to know some of the same ghosts which haunted her and it made her feel sad, knowing someone else might have suffered like she did. With her, it was her own fault, her inability to hear, listen, interact. It made her a burden. But then that was not the case with him. He wasn't like her. Yet, there was this look in his eyes, the same look which made his mind come up with 'bullying' as a reason for getting a text with a picture of a dead cat, which said, he knew her fears, had them the same and also, perhaps, a few nightmares of his own.
Shouko smiled as he followed her into the coach of the train which awaited them. He didn't ask anything else about it, took her shaking of the head as an answer, even though he wasn't satisfied, even though he knew it wasn't the truth.
It was too early to tell, but he, this stranger, who gave his name as Hachiman Hikigaya, he could be different than others. She could only hope with a smile if nothing else as the gate slid close to their train coach and the two sat together without speaking anything else.
For the first time the silence with another wasn't entirely unbearable.
Shouko felt it was too early to speak about the difficult things. She brushed a hand through her hair and once more took comfort in the presence of the hearing aid, nestled within the warm skin, the lack of bleeding, the lack of pain, soothing. It was stupid of her to think like this but whenever a person approached her, she would remember what happened, back in grade school, the sharp yank of the hearing aid, almost tearing it off from her ear and the blood flowing down her elbow.
It happened so long ago, but at the beginning, when Hikigaya-san had come at her from behind and pulled her back, Shouko had revisited those fears. The sight of black hair wasn't easy, but a majority of people had black hair, so it wasn't much.
He wasn't him and that was important.
So she asked questions, talked to him, wanting to know more, know things which set him apart as an individual, someone, who didn't make her feel afraid. It was selfish, it was all her fault, but he had patience and even though the trip was short and a number of times, he misunderstood her questions, never once did her let his annoyance be shown on his face. Of course, he was annoyed, of this she had no doubt, but it was kind of him, nonetheless, to not let it bother him too much.
'I am sorry.'
Out of habit, Shouko often reverted back to sign language sometimes, like in this instance when she wanted to apologize to him, for forcing a conversation between them, even though, she couldn't speak and he couldn't understand her language, so to speak.
He looked slightly red in the face and Shouko thought this time he would be angry, but he wasn't in the least. He was embarrassed instead and at first, she didn't know why, exactly. Hikigaya-san was a shy person, she was getting that idea, but she hadn't done anything completely outrageous.
She had asked him, a complete stranger, for his name and then grabbed him, walking hand in hand, until they were inside the train and now she had apologized in sign language, which was forming an 'A', that is a fist, with your right hand and moving it clockwise a couple of times at chest level.
Hikigaya-san didn't know sign language. But he was somewhat decent in catching the meaning of what she wanted to say. However, it also caused a few misunderstandings. This might be one of them.
Shouko blushed. He might think I am pointing at my chest, she thought.
She quickly shook her hand, but then she realized it might mean she wasn't apologizing and now it was getting out of hand and confusing her as well, so of course, he would have no clue whatsoever.
It was a bad decision to talk, start a conversation, try to get to know him, because she couldn't do any of those things in the first place. Shouko was taking advantage of his kindness. It was all her fault, she didn't deserve his kindness, his patience, his understanding of her unsaid, unreached, unmentioned words. But he had and he did and now it was too late.
'I wasn't staring at your breast.'
Shouko blinked as she stared at those words. She noticed, Hikigaya-san's hands were trembling a bit, as he held up his phone, to let her read the words he had typed just now. Then it was true, he thought she was pointing to her chest, he must think she was an indecent and a vulgar woman. But it still didn't make sense. Why he suddenly wrote this, why he thought she would need to know that, he wasn't staring at her breast. This was something of a misunderstanding, which none of them could clear up.
Shouko wanted to drop it, tell him it was okay, alright, but before she thought about making some gestures which he might understand, she stopped rather abruptly. Her face was now starting to heat up and she dropped her hand, quickly, before she could hook her index and thumb finger in the universal sign of 'okay'.
Hikigaya-san might think she was telling him it was okay to stare at her breast.
Shouko nodded her head, vigorously.
Yes, this was much safer.
One more stop and then she would have to say goodbye to him, but Shouko wanted to speak to him more, speak in their own way, of gestures which were sometimes misunderstood, and words which needed to be typed on the phone, to be let known to the other and be cleared of said misunderstanding.
Shouko wanted to ask him for his number, but she couldn't gather the courage. He was a boy, and a girl asking for a number, it could be easily mistaken for something else and she wasn't prepared for disgust yet, to show on his face, for even daring to think about such things.
Even though his eyes seemed lifeless, he did have a handsome face, Shouko noticed, but didn't think much of it.
It was getting late, she was growing flustered, the train would soon come to a stop at her station and she would have to leave. He wouldn't be coming with her, he would be going away. Perhaps, they would never meet again in this large and expanding city.
Shouko had to ask.
'Do you want to be friends with me?'
Hikigaya-san looked at her then blinked and she realized too late that she had used sign language once more. It was stupid, he wouldn't get it and it was her fault, because somehow, whenever she grew flustered, she would drop back into using sign language, even though she knew he didn't know it.
But Shouko had done it again, used sign language to get her meaning across. She had pointed her index finger at him, then back at her, and then finally joined both her hands, together. It was too complicated, he wouldn't get it, he would get angry, grow annoyed, get up and leave, like many others, from high school, grade school, as far as she could remember, as far as she could hear only but silence.
Shouko flinched a little when he found his hand underneath her gaze. She had been looking down, feeling dejected, thinking about the past and then she saw his hand coming into view. She looked at his face, still the kind and patience filled, handsome and caring face. He was an older brother, he had a little sister, he had told her that much. He must get his abundance of compassion from the time he spent taking care of her. But she wasn't thinking about that. Both, the elder child, one of the few things she found they had in common but not all.
It was enough for now, but again, she was not thinking about that as she was instead staring at his hand. It was bigger than hers and she knew it held immeasurable strength. He had used his hand to pull her from getting hit by the train when they had first met. She realized her wrists weren't hurting no more, the pain was gone. But the place where he had held her felt warm.
He was red in the face. He was blushing. She kept looking at his hand and now she was blushing as well. Shouko realized once more that he must have misunderstood the words she wanted to convey using sign language. He might have thought, she was trying something else, something bold and indecent and very unwomanly.
Perhaps, he thought she wanted to hold his hand. It was like before, but that time, she had dismissed it as a subconscious decision. Both of them had missed their train because of her foolishness and stupidity and the next time, she didn't want to miss it again. So she had grabbed him by the hand and walked until they were inside the train and already sitting together.
But this time it would be different, there would be no excuse. Shouko had asked him something else, she had asked him whether he would be his friend, but he was offering his hand, in friendship most likely and she was still staring at it, like it was the most cherished thing in her life.
Then, it was almost too late. Once more, Shouko was on the verge of making a mistake. He made a sudden move to take back his hand and that's when she grabbed it, held onto it like it gave her support, when she couldn't find the strength to walk.
She looked up and met his eyes. She could tell a lot from a person's eyes, but she was finding it difficult to fathom the depths of his. Hikigaya-san was a difficult person to understand and she knew it because he thought it was better this way, not letting a lot of people know him.
It saved him from hurting.
But Shouko and him held hands and it didn't need to mean anything, except for the warmth she felt at that moment, except for the slight hope of a bit of happiness, a bit less of something or someone to fear. She still wanted to ask him this, one last selfish request, and while they kept holding hands, she reached for her phone with the other hand. This time she would be sure and not allow any kind of misunderstanding, even if it meant she would get hurt like in the past. Hikigaya-san was different. She wouldn't think about others, about Ishida.
It was a painful thing to ask, and it was difficult to type with her left hand and she couldn't get all the words except for one before showing him the screen of her mobile. They kept holding hands. She wouldn't need to look to know his answer. She almost dreaded it, felt terrified of him letting go of her now. In the past, the same exact question, it had been painful and it would be painful even now. And if it happened again it would once more be nothing else but her fault.
Her question, which took all her courage, was nothing but a single word on a screen.
['Friends?']
His answer was nothing, but to change a single punctuation on her screen.
['Friends.']
Hikigaya-san kept holding her hand. Shouko realized a bit later that he was even worse at this then her, but the two of them didn't seem to mind.
The End.
A/N: Well, that's a wrap!
Hope you enjoyed the story.
I actually have a couple more Shouko x Hikigaya one-shots, but they are a bit different in tone.
I don't know whether I should post them here or post them as their own separate fic. I don't even know if you guys want to read more Shouko x Hikigaya stuff? If you can, let me know in the reviews and I might write more.
Take care.