Arthur was perplexed, beyond perplexed, he was confused and scared. What he was scared of, he really had no idea, but he just knew that he was and he hated it. Arthur Pendragon, Crowned Prince of Camelot, was not meant to be scared of anything. And on the outside he was fine, however inside he was desperately terrified. Terrified that all those times, all those things people had said, the comments they made, they were all right, it was only Arthur was too stupid to see it. Perhaps his Father had been right, all along, and he was not brain damaged as Arthur thought. But what did this mean? What did that mean...? And Arthur figured out, one night, when he couldn't sleep, because he couldn't stop...just stop thinking, that's what he was most afraid of, because he had no idea what this meant. Was he in love with Merlin? He didn't know...he didn't know what being in love felt like, as he was sure he had never actually been in love before. But how could he be in love with Merlin? What would that even look like?
he didn't think he was about to turn into some romantic fool, who went around picking flowers and reading love poetry, but realistically...what would that look like? Did he want to stop calling Merlin names? No. Did he want to stop throwing things at him? No. Did he find himself, since their return from their meeting with the Goddess, completely taken by Merlin and want to spend the day staring at him? No. Did he like spending time with Merlin? Yes. Did, sometimes, looking into Merlin's eyes completely and utterly take his breath away? Yes...but did that mean he was in love with him?
Arthur was not foolish enough to think this was so simple, in fact, he was smart enough to know, very well...that it was not. He had thought this, after their return to the castle, where Arthur hid the now red ribbon, in the very back of his wardrobe, in a box of childhood treasures, where he hoped Merlin would never look. And that was another thing, if Arthur were truly in love with Merlin, wouldn't he have decided to tell him about the ribbon? But no, it Arthur's fear and cowardice that made him not tell Merlin, not his love...there was no love involved in that decision.
And Arthur tried to think, as he lay awake each night, was there a sign, any sign at all of him being in love with Merlin? He thought the person who had first met Merlin, the person who was so angry at the idea that his Father thought he were romantic with Merlin, couldn't have possibly been in love with Merlin, not then. But now? Now things had changed, he felt...softer toward Merlin, he understood Merlin more, enjoyed his company more. And Arthur just couldn't be sure, every little thing after this thought started to feel like a sign. Like the brush of fingers on his bare back in the morning, that sent shocks down his spine, or the way Merlin smiled at him, after he had insulted him and it made him falter and forget his comeback. But there was no sign, absolutely no sign at all, of Merlin feeling the same way. In fact, he most likely didn't, why would he? He had said countless times before he didn't, he had made comments about how the idea disgusted him...but then again, so had Arthur, every time his Father dare open his mouth about the idea of them being together. So, then that begged the question, if Arthur was in love with Merlin, what did he want from him exactly...? Did he want to kiss Merlin?
Arthur pulled a face of distaste, as he roll around in his bed. No...he did not. He had never wanted anything romantic with Merlin, at least not that he could think of now. And Arthur knew there were different kinds of love; Love of a parent, Arthur loved his Father. Love of a sibling, he loved Morgana like a sibling...sometimes. Love of a friend, was that what Merlin was to him, just his friend? And, of course, love of a lover, but Merlin certainty wasn't his lover, no matter how many people thought different...
Arthur was just utterly confused, he didn't know what to do, or who to talk to. His Father, first off; Already thought he and Merlin were together, and second; Would not be helpful in the slightest. Neither would Gaius, who more likely than not, would only really be concerned about Merlin's safety in the situation. And then here was Morgana, who would endlessly make fun of him, and he didn't think he could stand that. So, who did that leave? Merlin and Gwen, and well...Arthur couldn't go talk to Merlin about Merlin, so...there was only Gwen, and Arthur had tried to talk to Gwen. She was a kind girl, who had a bigger heart than she probably even noticed, and he had tried to talk to her, he really had...but then Morgana came and Arthur ended up asking something stupid about needing something mended, and ended up ripping his own tunic, just so he didn't look like a liar.
Needless to say, it didn't work out. So now, Arthur walk aimlessly on his rounds in the town, not focusing at all on his duty. Someone might try to steal the entire castle at this point, and Arthur would be none the wiser. He was passing through the upper town, where most of the Knight's families lived, or much richer people, or Lords. Most of them though, were one in the same. That was where Arthur suddenly stopped and looked over at a house. This was the house Arthur had bought Hunith. The two of them had agreed not to tell Merlin how much it cost and how Arthur had paid for all of it, because then Merlin might have felt guilty or like he owed Arthur something, but Arthur regretted none of it. He thought Hunith deserved a nice home, and so far...he had not been wrong.
He knocked on the door, and it took a long moment, so long, that he wondered if Hunith had not been home at all, when the door opened, and Hunith was speaking before even seeing him. "Why are you knocking, Silly Boy-" she paused and saw Arthur there, her face turned a bit pink, kind of like Merlin's did sometimes. "Oh, Arthur...I was expecting Merlin. Is he with you?"
"No," he said, and felt a bit dumb now. Why was he here exactly? What reason did he have to be here? "I was making my rounds and..." he sighed and looked down, embarrassed. She smiled though, now, and moved so he could walk in. Her home here was much better than the one in Ealdor, it had three rooms. One just for a bedroom and then one for the kitchen and then an area where Hunith had put a few chairs and a desk. Arthur looked around, very pleased he had spent all that gold, indeed. "You've redecorated..."
"Yes," Hunith nodded, as she looked around too. "Mostly just put my things from Ealdor around, didn't really have enough for all of the room."
Arthur understood what that meant, it was a thank you, and he didn't think he really needed it. "I like it, it feels very...homey." She grinned at him, and he kind of just stood there now, not sure what to do. In his heart he knew what he wanted to do, he wanted to tell her how confused he was, how he just needed someone to talk to, and he had no one else, he had no Mother to go to. He wished he had, his Mother would probably know what to do. He shook his head, because these thoughts were stupid, the whole matter was rather stupid...
"What is the matter, Arthur?" Hunith asked now, as she looked up at him, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, for comfort. He didn't say anything at first, not sure what to say. Did he tell her? "You have no reason to confide in me, Arthur, but...if you wanted, I would listen, no judgement."
"I..." he started, but then stopped. He didn't know how to start it, what to say, he felt embarrassed again, and very stupid. "I have this friend..."So instead, he lied. "A Knight...he's...well, he thinks he's in love."
Hunith waited a beat, before she responded, looking at Arthur, with confusion and suspicion. Arthur didn't meet her eye. "He thinks he is in love?"
"He's not sure...he has known his... this person, for some time now, and he's never thought he was in love with them, and then something happened, something changed," said Arthur, and it wasn't wrong. It was all true, something had happened and something had changed, Arthur just wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not. If he should ignore it or what the hell he should do. "They had been friends...for the most part, they don't always get along, but," He shrugged, not sure how to go on anymore.
"Hm," Hunith nodded, a smile formed on her face, and Arthur found he could still not meet her eye. "And have you met this person? Do you think there is something between them?" she asked. "Sometimes it is very obvious that two people are meant to be together, very obvious to everyone but to them."
"I'm not sure," said Arthur, because he didn't think Merlin felt the same way, he was sure of that fact, actually. "I don't think so..."
"I see," said Hunith now, and she reached up and brushed a bit of Arthur's hair, off of his sweaty forehead. It was not hot outside nor in the house, it was that Arthur was just very nervous and he thought he might faint for a moment, if not for the fact that he was Prince and that was not very royal of him.
"The Knight...he just...he doesn't know what to do, how is he supposed to know if he is in love with this person or not?" blurted Arthur now, because this was the main issue, how was Arthur supposed to know, truly, if he was in love with Merlin? "He doesn't know what love feels like...not really, he loves his family, he loves Camelot, but he...he's never-"
Arthur had stopped, stopped talking, because he was feeling overwhelmed and he wondered if Hunith was actually buying any of this, or did she know? Arthur couldn't tell. She continued to brush at his hair, nonetheless. "I think..." her voice was soft and very calming, it almost made Arthur relax, almost. "I think, the Knight already knows his answer..."
Arthur paused, and closed his eyes. Yes, he supposed she was right, all of this worry, all of this dwelling on it, and he knew if there wasn't something there, then he wouldn't have. He would have brushed it under the rug like all the other stupid things people had said about them. And he was not saying his love for Merlin glowed scarlet red like that damned ribbon hidden in his wardrobe now, but something...there was something there. He didn't want to think that it had always been there, because there had been times...many, where he hated the very sight of Merlin's face, but then there were many, like most morning's, that he utterly, did not hate one single thing about Merlin, yet he would lie and say he did. He nodded now, feeling a weight leave his shoulders, but then said weight seemed to crush on top of his heart, in realization.
But he didn't get to dwell on these thoughts long, because the door to Hunith's house opened and in walked the boy in question himself, holding yellow lilies in his hands. He looked shocked to see Arthur there, and panic struck Arthur...why was he here? Would Hunith tell him what they were talking about? Surely, Merlin would figure it out if she did.
"Arthur," he said, in surprise, as he walked into the house. "What are you doing here?"
"He came to see how I was faring," said Hunith at once, and Arthur never liked her more than in this moment. "He's a very sweet man, he wanted to make sure I was comfortable."
Merlin grinned, and nodded his head. Handing the flowers off to his Mother. Well, half of them. "The other half are for Morgana," he said, offhanded, but this struck Arthur in the very core of his heart, and he didn't like it at all. Was that jealousy? He surely hoped not. "How is Bellatrix?" he asked then, and Arthur had no idea what that meant, he barely wanted to know either, he just wanted to flee.
"Doing fine, she likes the chicken you brought her, she ate a bit last night and this morning," said Hunith and Merlin grinned again, before looking over at Arthur, who would rather not be looked at right now.
"I didn't steal it from the Kitchens, I promise," he said, and Arthur barely noticed what he was even talking about. He hadn't been paying attention, he felt like his head was under water, and their voices were a far off echo. "I got it from Gaius."
"What?" asked Arthur, and Merlin suddenly frowned, head tilting to the side to look him over.
"Are you alright?" he asked and Arthur nodded, though he lied quite plainly, because he was not alright at all. "You seem a bit more thick than usual lately."
"Merlin!" scolded Hunith. "Do not be rude."
"Sorry," Merlin rolled his eyes. "I was talking about the chicken for Bellatrix."
"Who and what is Bellatrix?" retorted Arthur, trying to pull himself from whatever was holding him under water like this, and making it feel like he couldn't breathe. Maybe Merlin would save him, he did claim to do that quite often.
"Mum's cat...she's..." Merlin touched his own belly and grinned. Arthur scrunched up his face at him, not sure exactly what he was talking about, yet again.
"Fat...?"
"No...Dollophead, having babies!"
"Oh," Arthur said, dully, he had been more interested when he had thought she was fat. He looked toward the door now, wanting to leave. "I should get back to my patrol...it was nice seeing you Hunith."
"I'll come with you," said Merlin, smiling at his Mother, as he started to follow Arthur toward the door. "I need to get these to Morgana before they die anyway."
"Must you?" said Arthur, suddenly and Merlin glared at him. He had not meant to be so rude, but he wanted to be alone, so he could figure out his thoughts. "I am...very busy."
"You look it," Merlin shot back, and continued to glare at Arthur. "You don't have to be so mean, you know?"
"And you don't have to be so damn annoying, yet you are!"
"Alright, now...boys, enough arguing," said Hunith, though her voice sounded a little amused. "Merlin, I would like your help with something, before you go." Merlin turned around and Arthur could no longer see his face, and he started to head for the door again, and as he looked back, Hunith smiled at him, rather knowingly. And he had decided then, that she had known the whole time...
Days passed, and Arthur had deiced he was no longer going to sit around and worry about it, because if he did he would go mad. But of course even though he told himself not to think about it, and even sometimes he might listen. It hardly always worked. And he couldn't help but notice things, now, about Merlin and he wished he wouldn't, because it only manged to ruin his life a little bit more each time. He had long since noticed the gold sparkle in Merlin's eyes, but sometimes in the sun, or late at night, it seemed to glow so much brighter, and it was only for a second, just a flash, probably of candle light, but it would strike Arthur speechless, every time he would see it. Or the way Merlin smiled, like the smile he had given Arthur after he had apologized for being rude to him at his Mother's house, though...it had been a bit of a forced apologize, forced by Merlin that is. But the way Merlin smiled after, with this fondness, like...like the way Uther had once told Arthur Merlin smiled at him, like he would do well with being by Arthur's side forever, but of course that was completely stupid, because obliviously Merlin didn't-
Arthur fell to the ground, in a blinding blow to the face, so hard that he was blinded, for a moment, as he fell onto the ground. He lay there, on his back, both shocked, that he would allow himself to get so distracted on the battle field, and impressed at the blow Leon, the new Knight, just laid on him. He staggered up onto his elbows, and Leon was grinning, as he leaned down and helped Arthur stand, who now...was a little woozy.
"I'm sorry, Sire," said Leon. "But you weren't paying attention..."
"I was distracted," said Arthur, and Leon looked around.
"By what?"
Arthur sighed, and his eyes landed on the fool sitting near the water jug, smiling and making, probably rude, comments to the Knights as they stopped off for water. Arthur frowned now, as he broke free from Leon and stomped over to him. Arthur had every intent of telling Merlin to go away, just leave, until Arthur came to terms with his feelings and could handle looking at Merlin again. Not that he planned on telling him any bit of that, just to go away...
"Hello," said Merlin, with a grin, upon Arthur reaching him, and he poured him a goblet of water without him asking, but then again he was in charge of that, so he supposed it was his job anyway. "You look good out there..."
"Are you serous?" retorted Arthur. "Did you not see the blow Leon just dealt me?"
"I said you looked good...I didn't say you were fighting good," said Merlin, and he clearly thought he was very funny, because he had began laughing every loudly, after this. Arthur, finding it rather annoying and rude, kicked him in the leg. He settled down after that. "Sorry," he smiled, very big and Arthur rolled his eyes. He sat down now, next to Merlin on the bench he was sitting on.
"Leon is a great fighter," he commented, allowing his brain to be filled with something else other than the fool sitting next to him, just for a moment. "Better than his brother even, and I didn't think that were possible. His brother helped train me."
"Yeah...he is very good," said Merlin, as they watched Leon talk to the other Knights around him and square off, with a few of them. "I like his hair too...it's very fluffy."
Arthur rolled his eyes. "In matters of war, Merlin, I'm afraid his hair won't matter much."
"No, I suppose not," said Merlin, and sighed then. "Nothing really matters when you're banging each other with swords." Arthur rolled his eyes, yet again, and he somewhat wondered why he was so foolish as to be in love with this...Clotpole. Arthur smirked to himself, at calling Merlin his own insult, even if it was only in his own head. Merlin seemed to notice his look, and he glare over at Arthur. "Why do you look like that?"
"I was thinking about calling you a Clotpole," Arthur admitted, openly and Merlin's glare deepen.
"No...no way, you're not allowed, that is my word."
Arthur smirked at this. "What are you going to do?" he retorted. "Fight me for it?"
Merlin's face scrunched up. "I'm not fighting you...Clotpole," he retorted back. "Besides, I'd win..."
(A/N: I know I didn't update yesterday or the day before, I had meant to both days, but I ended up not having enough time to. And then I started working on the update tonight and my internet went out, I was like OH NOOOO, Not happening now So, I am using my cell phone wifi, because I am that serious about updating this. But anyways, I hope you enjoyed over 3000 words of Arthur having a breakdown. Basically, that's what it was!)