Her eyes lingered on him as her hand tightened it's grip on his, and he really wished she would stop doing that in front of Arthur. Arthur's eyes were on the back of Merlin's head, he could feel it. Merlin tried to ignore it, but they were burning the back of his neck. He pulled his hand from her grip and pretended like he was brushing the hair out of his eyes. Freya was smiling at him, being sweet and kind like she always was, and Arthur had to go and taint it. He was just like his Father...
Merlin knew that wasn't true, he wasn't like his Father at all. But it was still the point. Morgana came outside now and walked down the stairs to greet them in the courtyard. She came over and touched Freya's arm. They were going to ride horses today, that's what Freya had just told Merlin. As soon as they were gone Merlin didn't look behind him, didn't chance a glance at Arthur. He just proceeded to walk back inside the castle. Arthur followed.
"Where do you think you're going?" Arthur was asking behind him and Merin really didn't know where he was going. Just trying to escape this whole situation if he could. "Merlin..." Merlin continued not to answer, as he walked inside and tried to go up the stairs before Arthur caught up with him. He failed. "I'll take your silence as your resignation..."
Merlin huffed, "I'm going to do my job," he said as he headed up the stairs. Now, he supposed, toward Arthur's chambers. Arthur continued to follow him.
"I will come and watch. That is a new concept for you, after all," he was saying and Merlin was not one for violence. Unless it was the Prat's life in danger and then Merlin had no choice. But right now, he thought seriously of shoving Arthur against the nearest wall and repeatedly slapping him with magic. But, that would probably lead to Merlin's death and he didn't have time for dying today. "We can talk about your lover," Arthur added after a moment of silence and Merlin's dark thoughts returned again. He gritted his teeth, trying not to respond. "She really seems to like you, it's a wonder why..."
"I don't know," said Merlin with a dark tone, annoyance dripping in his voice. "You should ask her..."
This quieted Arthur down, as it seemed that Merlin had admitted that she did, when since Arthur started his nonsense about Freya fancying him, Merlin had been denying it. However, Merlin wasn't stupid he knew she did fancy him. She just had no idea that she wasn't really his type...he wouldn't tell her either.
They entered Arthur's champers and Arthur had been quiet for a bit now as they had walked. Maybe he would stop talking about it now, Merlin had hoped, but no. As soon as the door was shut, Arthur turned to him with a very serious look. "You should tell her how you feel."
Merlin glared at Arthur, trying to push passed him. Arthur held out a hand and grasped his shoulder, stopping him. "No," Merlin told him and Arthur just continued on his marry way anyway. Eyes looking over Merlin like they were drawing a conclusion on something.
"There is no sense not to," said Arthur. "Why would you deny yourself what you want? Is it the magic..?"
"No," Merlin repeated sternly.
"I haven't seen her do any magic, even so she can learn to conceal it like Morgana," Arthur pressed on. Merlin huffed. "Morgana would not want her to go either. I know she cannot continue staying with you and Gaius. Perhaps Gwen would let her stay until you...married."
"MARRIED?!" he couldn't help it, Merlin shouted this and Arthur didn't even react to it. His eyes were glossed over, it was like he was somewhere else. Talking to someone else.
"I know houses are expensive in Camelot," said Arthur then, ignoring Merlin's outcry. "It might seem foolish for you to even consider forming a life with her, but I would help you. I could find you a house near your Mother, if you wanted...I would put the deed in your name. No one would have to know I paid for it."
"Arthur!" Merlin pleaded with him, he just wanted him to stop. He had lost his mind. "I don't want to get married..."
Arthur blinked and then met Merlin's eyes again. His eyes were still far off, but more present now, filled with a mix of sadness and understanding. Merlin wanted to magic-slap him again. "I just want you to be happy," Arthur told him. "If that means it is with Freya..."
Merlin wanted to shout so many things at him all at once, but didn't. Instead, he made an excuse to leave. "I forgot, I have to...bring something to Gaius..."
And then he was running, not at all covertly, out of Arthur's chambers. He couldn't stand it, how could Arthur be so stupid? Of course, it had been Merlin who had been so stupid first, it had been Merlin who told him he didn't have any feelings for him when he had asked. So, of course he did this, he was being a noble Prat and Merlin hated him for it. Merlin crashed through Gaius' door and slammed it shut. He didn't really need to be there, but his heart was racing and if it erupted he might as well be in the physician's chambers. Gaius wasn't there so Merlin started pacing, back and forth, between the work bench and the stairs that led to his room. He couldn't stand it, the words Arthur had said repeating over and over in his ears, as if Arthur was standing there now saying them again. Merlin felt both so enraged and so sad at the same time, he didn't know what to do with himself.
The door opened and Merlin barely looked up, as Gaius walked in. "Merlin," he greeted. At first happily, but then he paused taking note of Merlin's demeanor. "What's happened now?"
Merlin paused in his strides, turned and glared in Gaius' direction. "Arthur thinks I fancy Freya!"
"And this...bothers you?" offered Gaius, confused. And, alright...he had a point. It didn't seem overly important. A simple correction was all that was needed. For a normal person, not for Arthur, but eventually Arthur would forget about it. However, that wasn't the point. The point was that this so far from the truth that it was eating away at Merlin. He couldn't stand listening to Arthur go on about it, it made him feel hopeless and foolish, and completely stupid for allowing himself to feel these feelings anyway.
"I wish it were true!" admitted Merlin, and Gaius tilted his head, once again confused by this. Merlin felt tears forming behind his eyes and he ran a stressed hand through his hair. "It could be so much easier to be in love with her," he said, tears not just forming but rolling down over his cheekbones now. Gaius took a step closer, probably wanting to comfort Merlin, but thought better of it. "It would hurt so much less...maybe we could actually be together."
"But you do not feel this for her," said Gaius and he already knew of course. Not that Merlin had ever told him, or even said anything remotely close to it, but everyone just knew. Merlin scoffed, as his hands ran over his face, cupping it and trying to will himself not to cry anymore. He shouldn't be crying over this, he shouldn't even be thinking about it. Merlin's destiny was not to be with Arthur, it was to help him. It was Merlin who stupidly allowed himself to fall in love with him.
"Do you know how hard it was?" he said then, hands falling from his face to his sides, as he eyed Gaius as if he had wronged him in some way. "To stand in front of him, as he asked he me...and I had to tell him no...?" His voice was lost, as a sob tore through him and he nearly fell to his knees from it. Gaius took another step closer. "...I had to lie to him, when I know he feels the same...I had to tell him no. And for what?!" Merlin was shouting now, and he wished he could stop. For his own well being, but he had held onto these feelings, these thought, for so long now he couldn't do it anymore. "Because I know one day he has to marry someone else. I couldn't stand seeing him kiss lady Vivian and I knew it hadn't been him, but it still hurt...I'll have to live like this once he marries. I'll have to look at him every day and know..-"
Merlin's voice broke off again, and he didn't have the will to find it this time. Instead, Gaius rushed forward and pulled him into a hug. It didn't help the broken heart or the tears from falling, but at least it was comforting.
"I'm sorry, Merlin," Gaius was saying into his ear, as he patted his back. "I wish there was some way I could help you..." he pulled away and looked upon Merlin's face. Gaius's own eyes were sad, as if he too were feeling this pain with Merlin. "But I cannot help mend a heart..."
Somewhere along the course of that day, Merlin put himself back together. Because he had no choice but to. He couldn't allow himself to fall into this pit of despair. His life wasn't easy, but he had no choice but to live it. His destiny was bigger than just him and his feelings. They were pointless, they meant nothing. They couldn't mean anything and he normally understood this. He normally could separate them. Yes, he cared about Arthur and yes, he loved him, but that didn't matter. What mattered was keeping him safe, helping him become King. Arthur was destined for far greater than he was, far more important things. Merlin was only a tool to get him there, and he understood this. Nothing else mattered, definitely not stupid feelings, and Merlin just had to remember that.
The next day Merlin purposely sent another servant to Arthur's chambers with his breakfast. He just didn't want to see him yet, he would...just not yet. Instead, Merlin went to Morgana's chambers, so they could practice magic for some time. They're magical lessons now involved Freya and sometimes Gwen, because she had walked in on them a few weeks ago and there was little to deny at that point. She didn't seem to care either way. She only hugged Merlin tightly after he explained himself to a point. Then, she told him that, "There has always been something about you," and honestly, Merlin wasn't entirely sure what that meant. But he would take it anyway. At least Gwen hadn't been angry he never told her the truth.
During the lesson though, both Morgana and Gwen seemed to notice something was off about Merlin. He didn't know how they knew this, Freya didn't seem to notice who just happily watched them for over an hour. But then Freya had gone to 'fetch water' with Gwen. Which honestly, just felt like it was Morgana and Gwen's plan on how to get rid of her for a few minutes. Because surely, whatever Merlin told Morgana she would tell Gwen later. Merlin decided after the two ladies left, that he too would leave. He had nowhere to go really, because he didn't want to go face Arthur yet. But staying here was a bad idea, too. Just as he was about the exit however, Morgana used magic to shut the door on him. He heard it lock just as quickly and he paused there, wishing he had never taught her that.
"What is the matter with you?" Morgana demanded. Merlin turned back from the door and shrugged his shoulders.
"Nothing." He was lying, they both knew it. Morgana walked closer to him and took his hand in hers. Trying to be kind, perhaps he would tell her then. He wouldn't. "Really Morgana, I'm...fine."
"No you're not," she said, very sure of herself. "I am going to find out anyway, so you may as well just save us all the trouble and tell me." When he didn't and only looked at her, she carried on. "Is it Arthur?"
Well, yes. But Merlin was still not going to answer. "...no."
"Oh, it is," countered Morgana. "It's always Arthur. What is it now?"
"It's nothing, nothing is wrong...it's just..." Merlin sighed. Because he didn't want to tell her what Arthur thought about him and Freya, because then somehow Freya might find out and think she had a chance. She didn't. "I don't know."
"Is this about the magic again?" she asked. He didn't answer. It was always about the magic, underneath. That fear was always there. However, there was always worse fears on the surface to worry about more than Arthur finding out about Merlin's magic. "Just tell him, Merlin. I tell you this every time. He loves you, it won't change anything."
"I've already told you I can't," said Merlin, sternly now. She frowned at him. "Not now...I really do have to go, Morgana."
She sighed, annoyed at him probably and her eyes flashed for only seconds, and then the door unlocked. Merlin left then, walking quickly down the hall, just trying to get away from Morgana's chambers as quickly as he could. His mind was overtaken with thoughts of Arthur and his magic and all the many, many things holding them apart and how sometimes it felt like none of them really mattered...but then again, yes they did. They all mattered much more. More than anything else.
Merlin was so taken with these thoughts he was not watching where he was going, which was toward Gaius' chambers. Because he still didn't think he could look Arthur in the eye right now. He didn't know why, but he was scared. Scared to just see him and it was foolish, and stupid, he shouldn't feel like that. But there were too many feelings going around anymore. He needed to ignore them. Needless to say, instead of paying attention to where he was walking, he was just walking and that's when he walked right into someone.
"Watch where you're going, Idiot," said a very familiar voice. The voice Merlin had been hiding from all day. Oh no, played in his mind a few times as he took a long time to look over and meet Arthur's gaze. It was more a glare than a gaze, really. "Where the hell have you been all day, Merlin?" Merlin shook his head and swallowed hard. He had no excuses, he didn't want to say with Morgana. Because Arthur would only assume Freya was there too, which she was. "There has been another attack," said Arthur anyway, carrying on without waiting for Merlin to answer him. He was grateful for that bit at least. "Last night...he lived, barely. He is being treated by Gaius."
"Oh, I should help..."
"No," Arthur answered quickly. "I was just there, Gaius said to leave him until he wakes. He was knocked unconscious."
"Oh..." Merlin repeated. He just stood there now, looking at Arthur, who was also just standing there looking at him. Neither of them were saying anything. Arthur narrowed his eyes then.
"Ah, I see...you were with the girl," said Arthur then. And Merlin wondered how he could think this when Merlin didn't even mention Freya at all. "You smell like a woman."
"How does a woman smell?" Merlin retorted.
"A lot better than you normally do."
"I smell good all the time..."
"Right, just like you do your job so remarkably well?"
"Exactly..." said Merlin and when Arthur nodded with that sarcastic look on his face he knew so well, Merlin frowned. "...just not today."
(A/N: -Really old voicemail beeping sound.- Hi...yeah, it's me. It's been a really long time, I know. I'm very, very sorry! I never meant for that to happen. I just burnt myself out, man. I really did. It has been over a month since I wrote for this story and almost a month since I posted. The last update was Nov 15. I know it's a bit shorter than most, too. I just wanted to get something out as quickly as possible. My main goal now is just to finish this story. I have to, I am not going to just leave it. I love this story so much. But chapters will be slower. Just expect that. I was posting 4000 word chapters every few days and yeah...that can't happen anymore. I don't know how I did that, honestly. That was my quarantine super power or something. I don't even know. Either way, I hope you all are still around and ready to hang with me until the very end...
That was a Harry Potter reference, as the next thing I am going to talk about is the fact that NOW, I have finally reached my last word count goal, which was having more than 168,923 words, which is the length of the Half Blood Prince. So yeah, in less than a year I have written A LOT. And that is not including all of the other stuff I have written, just for Fanfiction, not even for school...it's really not a surprise I got burnt out, but even then I didn't stop writing. I am literally always writing. My college professor told me I am a really good storyteller and it was a privilege to have me in her class...anyway, enough of THAT bs tho. I hope you enjoy this update and sorry again, that it took so long.)