Chapter 1: Nightmares
(Lloyd's perspective)
Lloyd was having another nightmare. It was always the same. He saw his Uncle hand him the book of spells and then his gaze locked onto the form of his father, suspended in a beam of light atop the bounty. He could hear himself recite the incantation, and the screams of agony as his father entered the cursed realm.
Then he heard Morro's voice in his ears, saying that it was all his fault. That his father would never be free if the Realm Crystal was destroyed. He saw the preeminent and then his father in chains telling him that there was no way to free him. And finally he watched as the cursed realm was destroyed and all his hopes of freeing his father with it.
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(Lloyd's perspective)
Lloyd bolted upwards awake, his chest was heaving as his heart pumped as fast as Jay's lighting strikes. Closing his eyes he breathed deeply trying to calm himself down. It was just a dream. He thought to himself. A terrible terrible dream.
A soft creak from next to him drew Loyd out of his thoughts. From the opposite side of the queen bed he heard a sleepy voice call out to him.
"Lloyd, are you ok?" Lloyd turned his head to meet the amber eyes of a half asleep Kai.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Lloyd replied.
"You sure about that? I can hear your heart pounding from over here." Kai countered with a yawn.
"It was just a dream. It's nothing really." Lloyd insisted, not wanting to worry Kai.
Lloyd could feel Kai's gaze boring down on him as his boyfriend contemplated the response.
"It was that nightmare again wasn't it." Kai said softly.
Lloyd stiffened, once again Kai had seen through his feeble attempt at a lie to protect him from the horrors he faced every time he closed his eyes.
Suddenly he felt Kai's arms wrap around his waist and pull him in until he was sitting on the fire ninja's lap. "You can tell me anything that's on your mind Lloyd, you know that, right?" Kai murmured into Lloyd's ear gently.
Lloyd stayed silent as Kai continued. "He made his own decision, it wasn't your fault."
"Come now, let's go back to bed, it's late and we're both tired from today's training. We can talk more in the morning."
Kai was still talking but Lloyd had stopped listening a while ago. He was deep in his thoughts, searching for a way to distract himself from this emotional pain. Suddenly an idea tore through his mind, it was a terrible idea but Lloyd couldn't think of any other way. He knew what he had to do.
"Lloyd, Lloyd, Lloyd." Kai's voice suddenly cut through Lloyd's thoughts. "Let's go back to sleep."
"I've got to go to the bathroom first." Lloyd said quickly, not meeting his boyfriend's eye. Kai sighed but didn't stop him. "Just don't take too long."
Lloyd stood up from the bed on shaky legs. He took one trembling step, then another. Slowly he made his way to the bathroom.
When he reached it he turned the light on, closed the door then after a second, locked it. He faced the sink and crouched down reaching under it for the bag of razor blades he knew were there. He placed the blades on the counter and drew one from the bag.
He looked in the mirror and hesitated. But then Lloyd reminded himself why he was about to do what he was going to do and the hesitation disappeared.
He drew in a shaky breath as he pressed the blade upon his left wrist. He closed his eyes and cut with the blade to the right.