One Bad Day

"What a day!" cackled the Joker, as he was dragged, bound tightly in a straitjacket, down the corridors of Arkham Asylum. "I hope somebody was recording all that, because that is going to go down in history with the living legend I am! 45 crimes in one day – that's gotta be some kind of record! Hey, I wanna use my phone call to contact the Guinness World Records people – they'll definitely wanna put this in their new book!"

"Joker, do you know how many messages I've had to field today?!" shouted Dr. Leland, who was following him down the corridor. "How many people I've had to talk to in languages I don't speak?! You've caused an international incident!"

"Not just one, I hope – that would be disappointing after 45 crimes!" chuckled Joker. "God, what a rush! It's the crowning achievement of my life – the pinnacle of my career! This will never be topped!"

"No, it's all downhill from here, hopefully," agreed Dr. Leland. "I don't have time to deal with you right now on top of all the multiple fires I'm trying to put out – just put him with the others for now," she ordered, and the guards pulled Joker into the Rec Room and left him.

He beamed at his fellow inmates, who glared at him in utter hatred and fury. "So who's gonna be the first to congratulate me?" he asked. "Didn't you guys hear? I set a new record! 45 crimes in one day! I hope you've prepared a laurel wreath!"

"I've got your laurel wreath right here!" exclaimed Poison Ivy, racing forward to punch him.

"No, Red!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, throwing herself protectively in front of Joker. "You can't hurt him on his special day! I'm so proud of you, puddin'!" she purred, loosening the straps of the straitjacket and helping him out of it, only to confine him to an even tighter embrace in her arms. "Of course I always believed in you…"

"Yeah, couldn't have done it without you, Harl," said Joker, shoving her away from him. "There are so many people to thank for my success. Mostly me, of course. And you losers, for being my inspiration in what not to do. You should consider yourselves lucky for being able to catch a glimpse of my greatness, a glimpse that you will never have a hope of reaching, but still, sometimes the truly talented can inspire the pale imitation of lesser mortals."

"You are absolutely disgusting, do you know that?" demanded Jonathan Crane. "The things you've done today, they go against all basic human decency."

"You're just jealous you've never set a criminal world record, or caused multiple international incidents," sniffed Joker. "You'll never know what it's like to have the fear and respect of millions of people, the fear and respect you so desperately, pathetically crave…"

"Oh please, let me punch him!" exclaimed Ivy, who started forward again to do just that, but who was blocked by Harley.

"Did you have to drag us into it?" asked Jervis Tetch, who was rocking in a corner holding a teacup in his shaking hands. "I might get my English citizenship revoked thanks to you, and then I'll be stuck being an American, and having to put ice in my tea! I'll die first, I swear it!"

"Good, nobody will miss you," retorted Joker. "And frankly, if your countrymen hadn't been so inhospitable in the first place, none of this would have happened."

"I really regret involving the rhino," said Two-Face, who was flipping his coin obsessively and staring blankly ahead of him. "I hate to argue with the coin, but fate made a poor decision there. But then they say to never work with children or animals, since that always ends badly."

"Nothing ended badly – it all ended great!" exclaimed Joker. "What's the matter with you sad sacks? This is a joyous, glorious day! For me, and those who love me!"

"Which would be just you," retorted Ivy.

"And me," spoke up Harley, embracing Joker again. "I was by his side every step of the way so he could accomplish all this, loving him and supporting him, the wind beneath his wings, if you will…"

She headed over to the stereo and pressed play. A karaoke version of Wind Beneath My Wings began playing, and Harley had just begun crooning the opening verse to Joker, when he hurried over and shut the music off abruptly.

"Yeah, let's not ruin my big day with you butchering Bette Midler, Harley," he said.

"I can sing just as well as Bette Midler!" snapped Harley.

"No, you can't – nobody can," retorted Joker. "And you definitely can't. You sound like an angry badger, and I can honestly say I know what that sounds like now."

"Don't remind me," groaned Tetch, burying his face in his hands. "God, the badger…and the bear…and the monkey…"

"Don't forget the iguana," reminded Joker. "And the duck."

"I won't forget anything about today – it's all been seared into my brain permanently," muttered Two-Face.

"Mine too, but we should write it down for posterity," said Joker. "Future generations will want to hear the legend, and they'll wonder how one man could possibly be that incredible. They'll ask you what it was like to know this truly great man, and how privileged you were to bask in his greatness…"

Harley was too slow to prevent Ivy from landing a punch this time – her fist collided with Joker's face, and she kept attacking him until she was dragged off by the guards.

"Great men are so often misunderstood in their time," sighed Joker, as Harley cooed over his wounds. "Doomed to be tormented and abused by lesser minds jealous of their greatness. Like me. And Jesus. Although he didn't do 45 crimes in one day. I don't think he even did one crime, so I've outclassed him."

"You really are beyond the pale, you know that?" sighed Crane. Joker suddenly threw a book at his head, and he ducked just in time. "What on earth…" began Crane, but the book was closely followed by a pen nearly colliding with his head.

"Professor, you're the biggest nerd here, and I need someone to inscribe the saga," said Joker. "To pass the story on to my children…"

"Oooh, children, really, puddin'?" asked Harley, excitedly.

"In a hypothetical, metaphorical sense, Harley," retorted Joker, as Crane opened the book to find it full of blank pages. "Now the nerd can write down the story as I tell it. You should be honored to be my scribe, Johnny," he said. "It's probably the greatest accomplishment you'll ever have in your life."

"God forbid," retorted Crane.

"Well, if you don't write it down, I'll be forced to break my own record and accomplish 46 crimes today," said Joker. "And I'll be forced to repeat one – enthusiastic manslaughter."

Crane quickly picked up the pen and opened the book. "Now where do I begin?" sighed Joker, leaning back and shutting his eyes. "At the beginning, I suppose. It started out just like any other day, but little did I know, it was going to be the best day of my life…"