Caroline was not looking forward to spending the weekend at the farm, but it killed several birds with one stone; John would be in the clear with Lawrence and she wouldn't have to listen to his moaning and self pitying rants, she would see her mother, and she will have finally accepted Gillian's offer to spend some time with her.
"How long are you going to hide under there?" Kate asked without taking her eyes off the news she was reading on her iPad.
"I'm not hiding." Came Caroline's muffled voice from under the duvet, having been cuddled up to Kate's side for almost an hour.
"Lawrence has been ready for half an hour. He's going to get grumpy soon."
Sighing, Caroline finally threw the duvet off herself, coming out for air with blonde hair sticking out everywhere. "I don't want to go."
"Then don't."
"I have to."
"Then go."
"I don't want to."
"Then don't go."
Caroline moaned. "You're not being helpful."
"I'm not trying to be." Kate replied with a smile.
"I can tell."
Kate finally put her iPad to the side and turned to face Caroline, resting her head on the same pillow. "It will be fine. Gillian isn't going to ask you to do any of the hard work. All you'll have to do is be nice to your mum for a few hours, help Gillian finish a bottle or two of wine, sleep on a pull out couch without your silk pillowcase, and try and keep Lawrence from deciding he wants to be a farmer. Your mum is not going to address the elephant in the room, is she, so if you don't want to discuss it, you won't have to."
Caroline let out a long, self pitying moan.
"If you promise to get ready, I will go downstairs and make you some breakfast and a coffee?" Kate offered.
"Ok."
Kate leaned forward to kiss Caroline gently and then got out of bed, pulling the duvet with her and taking it out of the room.
"KATE! It's cold! Kate? KATE!"
"Get up!" Kate called as she made her way down the stairs.
…
Caroline sighed and gave Kate one last look, unconsciously hopeful that perhaps she might suddenly beg her to stay, but Kate just smiled from where she leaned against the doorway of her home, trying to be encouraging.
"Bye, then."
"Bye."
Caroline waited a few beats longer and then started the car.
"Mum, wait!" William called, rushing out.
Kate saw the hope light the blondes face and she had to stop herself to going out and begging her to stay, just so Caroline wouldn't have to make the decision herself.
"Can you give this to granny? It's a book she wanted." William held it through the open window.
"Right. Yes. Sure." Caroline took the book and without looking threw it into Lawrence's lap. "Bye, then."
"Bye, mum. Have a good time."
"Yeah, how likely is th-" Caroline stopped when she saw Kate smiling nervously. "You know what? I will. Thank you. I'll see you both on Sunday."
They were half way to the farm having driven in silence when Lawrence spoke suddenly. "Judith is in rehab."
Caroline glanced at her youngest. "…did your dad tell you that?"
"Yep. He said she wants to be better. He said he's stopped drinking, too."
"Mm."
"Kate said rehab is hard though, and it might not work, but she's trying, and that's all we can hope for."
"You've talked to Kate about it?"
"This morning, when you took hours to get up. We talked about the baby, too."
"You know about the baby?!"
Lawrence gave her a sideways glance. "I mean..yeah. You told me."
Caroline frowned, wracking her brains. It had been a busy week but surely she would remember telling- oh! "Kate's..our… she doesn't often talk about the baby, does she?"
"Nope. But this morning I asked if granny would be in the room when it's born, because she would probably ask to be, and she said granny could eff off." Lawrence grinned at the memory.
Caroline found herself smiling, too. "Perhaps don't tell your granny that." She glanced at her son again as she stopped at a red light. "How are you, Lawrence? Really. I know there have been huge changes for you, and I know it will have been hard on you, even if you're too grown up to tell your mum about it."
Lawrence shrugged, embarrassed. "Ok."
"Ok as in you hate it all and wish it could go back to how it used to be?"
"…I'd like if I could see dad more, but everything else is fine."
"..Kate says when I say I'm fine it's because I'm the opposite of fine."
"Kate knows you better than you know yourself." Lawrence grinned again suddenly.
"Why are you smiling like that?" Caroline asked suspiciously.
"Kate and I had a bet that you'd accidentally on purpose sleep in this morning and forget to pack your wellies."
Caroline's eyebrows shot up and she glanced in the mirror. "Ha! I did pack them!"
"No, you didn't. Kate did. When you went to the bathroom." Lawrence laughed.
Caroline huffed.
…
"Hi, gran! Alan." Lawrence offered as he raced past the pair.
"I'll bring your things in, shall I." Caroline called after him, then smiled warily at the pair. "Mum. Alan. How are you both?"
"Oh, can't complain." Alan smiled.
"No one else with you?" Celia enquired.
"No. I told you, I wanted Lawrence out of the house because William starts his exams next week and he's very stressed."
"I see. And Kate's staying with him then, I suppose."
"Yes. She's better than me at helping him to calm down." Caroline replied, changing her mind about taking their things in now. They could wait. "Gillian inside?"
"Ah, yes. In the kitchen. She's making a cooked lunch." Alan smiled.
Caroline forced herself to smile back and walked past her mother to go inside.
…
Despite everyone's attempts, Caroline and Celia were mostly quiet during lunch. Lawrence had a brief moment of unteenage-like appreciation for his mum that she had brought him here so he could spend time with Raff even though she wasn't particularly comfortable herself. Under the table, so no one else would see, he texted her. "Love you, ma."
When she read the text, glared at by her own mother for checking her phone at the table, Caroline gave him an appreciative smile and reached out to squeeze his hand.
..
"I thought perhaps you and your mother could try out that new place in town that does a lovely high tea, by all accounts."
"Sorry, what?" Caroline looked up from drying the last of the dishes.
"She'll be too busy on her phone, I'd imagine." Celia replied.
"It's a lovely thought, Alan. And if she would like to, I'm happy to go with her."
As Celia opened her mouth to reply, Lawrence and Raff rushed into the room and then up the stairs, leaving a trail of dirt in their wake.
Caroline closed her eyes in irritation.
"Well, only if you've time."
Caroline closed her eyes and sniffled into the phone, attempting and failing to keep the tears at bay.
"Caroline, please. Tell me where you are. I'll come. Right now."
"You can't. I can't… it wouldn't be fair on you. I'll be fine in a minute."
"…are you with your mum?"
"Mm." Was all Caroline could say, her tears of frustration and hurt beginning again.
"Please tell me where you are." Kate begged. "I hate you being so upset. I will come, and I'll deal with whatever she's said that's upsetting you, and then I'll bring you home."
Caroline lifted her eyes, remembering all the times growing up she had wished her mother would say something like that to her, or just offer to hold her. "I'm fine."
"You're not. I'm going to call Celia and-"
This finally broke through Caroline's panic. "No! No. Don't. I'm f..I'm not fine, but I will be. I don't want you to be hurt, too. This needed to be done, and it's being done. I'm ok."
Kate sighed, stopping her pacing to gaze out the window as she wished she could do something. "…I love you."
"I love you, too. I need to go back out.."
"Ok. Splash your face with cold water first. It always makes me feel a little better."
"Do you often sob alone in public toilets?"
"Only once or twice. Mostly because i was overwhelmed with lust and love for a beautiful blonde who definitely didn't reciprocate."
"She did. She always has. And that's what I'm going to tell my mother."
…
"The new place is lovely. You and Alan should come over and see it. The painters have just finished, and there are a few more finishing touches to things, but we should be able to move in in a couple of weeks." Caroline pushed her phone across the table with the photos on display, and Celia grudgingly took it.
"…it looks very nice. Very you."
"Kate and I picked the colours together. Aside from the boys rooms. If you flick over to the next photo, it's your room. It's that duck egg blue you like."
"My room?" Celia looked up.
"Well, you and Alan now, I suppose. For when you want to come over. It's on the ground floor, but away from all the hustle and bustle." Caroline wondered if she imagined the flicker of guilt that crossed her mothers face as she flicked to the next photo.
"That looks lovely."
"…I do want you to come and stay, mum. As often as you like. Because you're my mother, and I love you. I would have said if asked a couple of years ago that you were also my best friend."
"But not now?"
"I love Kate. That's not going to change, I have reached out and I have offered an olive branch, but the next step is up to you. I'm not expecting you to make any grand gestures, all I want is for you to be civil to me and Kate, and nice to the boys. And treat you new grandchild just like your others so they don't feel less than. If that's too much to ask, then that's ok. But no more of these snide comments and unkindness. If that is the case, you can still see the boys, but you won't be welcome at any of our future family gatherings, and I won't be coming to any more of yours. Kate, and our baby, are my family now, too, and they, along with the boys, are my priority."
Caroline released a breath and then brought her cup of tea to her lips, taking a sip even though it was much too hot.
Celia was silent for a few minutes, people watching, and Caroline's heart began to sink.
"That's Catherine over there by the window. She will have got a window seat so everyone can see she lunches here."
"Will she." Caroline muttered, reaching for the phone that she had consciously put face down on the table. Trying to suppress her tears that threatened again, she looked through the photos of the new house again.
"Excuse me, madam. Sorry to interrupt, but are you Celia Dawson?" The waitress suddenly appeared out of nowhere to ask. Celia looked startled. Could Alan be unwell?
"Yes, that's me. Has-"
"We have a delivery for you." The waitress gestured to her colleague who walked over with a huge bunch of flowers.
Celia's face lit up, and she was quick to glance at Catherine to make sure she had seen her getting a delivery of flowers midday on a Saturday in the middle of a high tea. "It'll be my Alan." She said loudly to the waitress. "Alan Buttershaw. We're engaged. He's very lovely. Did you know about this, Caroline?" She glanced over the flowers to see her daughter was no longer there.
Celia was quickly focused back on the flowers, pulling out the card. Catherine was out and out staring now, she noted gleefully.
…
In the bathroom once more, Caroline gulped for air and tried to focus on something mundane. The sink could use a clean. There were dried water droplets on the tap.
"Caroline? Are you in here?" Celia was suddenly invading the space, taking all the air. "What on earth is the matter?!"
"Nothing." Caroline gave a strangled reply. "I think I need to go home."
Celia frowned, studying her daughter. "…Catherine came over and asked me about the flowers. She may have got the window seat but no one will remember she was here now."
Caroline turned to the toilet bowl, wondering if she might be sick.
"Kate. They were from Kate."
A whoosh of air entered Caroline's lungs. "What?"
Celia handed the card to Caroline that had been with the flowers. "I told Catherine the flowers were from my future daughter in law. Her son in law is a no hoper, by all accounts."
'Celia,
I hope that I can be like you as a mother. I hope I can raise someone as magnificent as Caroline, someone who has the world at her feet but still loves her mother so fiercely that she is willing to let go of almost every wrong she might make. But I also want to raise someone who knows that the love I give them is unconditional, that they are safe in this uncertain world because I will always be there for them.
No matter how fiercely I love her, I can't give that to Caroline. Only you can.
I know you love your daughter. I'm not asking you to love me, or to love her choices. I am just asking you to love her.
Kate.'
"William, I taught you this two years ago. You know it."
"I've forgotten."
"No, you haven't. I remember when I taught you this I was new at school, and Rufus Smith kept making fun of my orange shirt because it made me-
"Green. It was a green shirt. He said it made you look like an avocado, and you said..oh."
"You do remember." Kate smiled.
"I do." William grinned. "Thanks, Kate!"
As he raced back upstairs to the office, Kate looked worriedly at her phone again. Perhaps her gesture had been the wrong thing to do. She knew Celia loved getting one up on people, and if the restaurant was as popular as Alan said it was, surely someone she knew would be there.
A knock on the door made her jump.
Please let it not be John, she couldn't handle much more drama today.
"Celia."
"Can I come in?"
"…where's Caroline?" Kate asked as she stepped aside to let her in.
"She's in the car. She was in a bit of a state, but she's fallen asleep now, so I was hoping to talk to you."
Kate looked towards where the car was parked, then at celia, then hesitated for a few seconds before she rushed to the car.