PROLOGUE_THE SHADOW OVER (AND UNDER) TOKYO-3
"Can you hear me Shinji," asked Misato over the audio link in the previously Zen and quiet entry plug of Evangelion Unit One.
Shiniji stopped concentrating on communing with his inner self and smiled while asking: "Misato, how are my test scores?"
A video window opened in his vision, showing a clearly happy Misato in the test control room giving him a thumbs up. "Well done! You are number one!"
Shinji could not have been happier with the unexpected news. Sure, he knew his scores had been climbing steadily in the months and weeks since arriving in Tokyo-3. He had found a happy rhythm at school, at home and with the people closest to him in his life. That included the people he lived with, who formed the strangest family unit he could imagine. One of them was an abominable slob and the beat his head until it hurt figuratively (and sometimes literally), and ironically, made his heart beat in funny ways too.
"Alright, pilots. Thank you for your time today. Today's synch test is concluded. Shutting down the systems," said Dr Ristuko Akagi curtly. Even if he was happy with the test results, Shinji would be happy to get out of the plug.
With the test concluded, Shinji jumped out of the entry plug, the rapidly cooling LCL sloughing off his clinging plugsuit. He looked across at the other Evangelions' entry plugs. To the left of him, Rei ascended from Unit Zero delicately as if she would break into a thousand pieces if her feet stepped a centimetre out of place. To his right, Asuka dismounted with an amplified aura of haughtiness and disdain that was unusual, even for her.
Shinji walked a little slower than he normally would have to let Asuka breeze (or was it more like a storm) past him on the way out of the hangar. He wanted to avoid any goading and further unkind words that might result from Asuka's mood. Shinji had already been the recipient of her ire in the morning; he wasn't sure what she was concerned on about, but Misato had thankfully come to his defence. He only apologised for causing Asuka some kind of unknown, unintended irritation. Misato's defence of him caused Asuka to storm out of the apartment. His head hurt again.
He didn't need any more of that in his day. But a fleeting memory crossed his lips, soft, warm, and uncertain, with a whiff of strawberries and cream. He shook them aside, realising idly that he had reached the men's locker room.
/
The journey home was fraught with tension. Asuka seemed to be fuming silently about something. Shinji was content to let things rest and took the opportunity to use his trusty S-DAT to keep his mind occupied and forget the world outside. Even better, it was an excuse not to wake the dragon seated across from him on the busy train.
Dinner was the same. He went through the motions of cooking for his crazy adoptive family and Asuka went through the motions of watching TV, eating, and then shutting him out of the shower and using all the hot water before silently going to her room. Shinji paid it no mind. He was used to it. Better that Asuka felt something towards (or against) him than the casual indifference shown to him by most other people in the world. At least Pen-Pen was dependable in appreciating being well fed.
Shinji also retired to bed early, accompanied by his S-DAT. It was doing its level best to drown out his melancholy, which had replaced his earlier elation.
/
Shinji was woken up by Misato's firm shaking, which was unusual in and of itself. That she was already dressed early in the morning made him nearly jump out of his futon. His cotton wool head remained, though it was pushed into the back of his mind as best as possible. Shinji became peripherally aware that the Angel attack sirens were blaring their baleful tone outside. He allowed the sound to wake him up further and get him alert. "Quickly Shinji. Get dressed, we have to be at headquarters as soon as possible. There's an Angel."
After hurriedly dressing and leaving everything the apartment in a messy state, the three of them piled into Misato's Alpine and raced into the Geofront. Misato was on the phone the whole way there trying to understand the situation. She also seemed to be berating someone on the other end of the line for not detecting the Angel in the first place.
Asuka's mood seemed to have improved, less teetering on the brink of a murderous eruption, her overnight solitude having mellowed out to have her just sitting there silently and sullen. Then again, Shinji remembered the occasions when she was only just been hiding her seething temper beneath a quiet exterior. This seemed like one of times.
As the concrete steel and glass jungle flitted past, the streets were devoid of the normal morning traffic, joggers, lines outside cafes and bakeries, or any other signs of life. Shinji drew comfort knowing that the civilians had been evacuated to their designated shelters already. Every time the Evangelions went into battle, he wondered if they would inadvertently hurt another innocent like Touji's sister. He would never have known if Touji hadn't punched him in the face. Then again, he wouldn't have gained a friend either.
Up above, he spied a most unusual sight through the passing buildings surrounding the retracted city core. A black sphere with white stripes hovered silently, the most tranquil Angel they'd met so far. Shinji had gotten used to the increasingly unconventional forms the Angels could take, and so this one ceased to surprise him. At least he wasn't naked in his entry plug floating in the Geofront lake this time. His thoughts turned to how this battle would unfold as they got closer to their destination.
There was no time for a briefing in the ready room this time, not that there was for most of the other Angel intercepts. Shinji figured that fighting the unconventional Angels needed adaptation and no amount of planning for a conventional fight (except that one spider Angel) would actually result in victory.
So, he waited silently in the entry plug, filled his lungs with LCL, waited to be launched and receive orders as they came. He felt a sense of determination this time within himself after he'd just taken the leading sync test score. Surely, he needed the boost from someone giving him approval for something. Even if he hated doing that something.
Shinji felt the jolt as he and Unit One began the slow and rattly ride to the launch rails. He braced himself for the compression in his body from the sudden acceleration imparted by NERV's electromagnetic rail launch system. He was prepared to be sent to the surface at great speed.
Shinji mindlessly followed standard procedure and grabbed the pallet rifle from the skyscraper sized weapon locker once he was at the surface. He then sought cover from the Angel's assumed line of sight. Does it even have eyes? Can it even 'see'? Does it even care three Evangelions are moving to surround it?
Misato appeared via video link to give them the crash course in-field briefing that the Evangelion pilots received all too commonly.
"Pilots, can you hear me? I've sent you all the information we have on the target. We'll get you what we can as it comes. Approach carefully and watch for any reaction from the target. If you can, lead it outside the city."
"Alright, Misato," acknowledged Asuka cheerfully. "But I think Shinji should take point for this mission."
"Huh?" a surprised Shinji managed to ask.
"Come on, this is a job for a brave man with a good combat record, and the number one sync-ratio! Or aren't you confident in yourself, Shinji?" Asuka asked devilishly.
"No! I am ready to show you how it's done Asuka," he blurted out. He was 'Number One' damnit, and he wanted to show her that he could be confident and daring too. He'd had enough of her snide remarks and moody nature. He'd prove he was worthy.
"What do you mean, you idiot?!" shot back the German with an acidic tone.
Meanwhile, Misato was trying and failing to defuse the situation. "Hey, guys..."
"Weren't you the one who told me 'I was Number One'? Fighting is a man's job, right?" replied Shinji, gripping the controls.
"Oh, that was just…" managed Misato before Asuka interrupted with: "Hah! Cave men. Alright, whatever. Unit Two moving to backup Unit One."
Rei also calmly added from the sidelines of the discussion that Unit Zero would also act as backup.
Taking that as a sign it was clear to keep moving through cover, Shinji started to close slowly towards the target. The Angel had stopped moving and was just hovering there, not making a sound, not making a move. As if it was waiting for something to happen. Even then, he took the scenic route, snaking between buildings and checking for movement each time he moved to a new position.
If Shinji had had more combat experience and as much training as his colleague whose favourite colour was red, than what he had received thus far in his combat career, he might have approached this operation differently. But his bravado drowned out the little voice inside his head that was begging as loud as it could that this was a trap.
Shinji had moved to within point blank range of the sphere in question. He checked his immediate surroundings, and confirmed it was all clear. There remained no movement or sound from the target.
"How are the two of you going?" Shinji enquired of his colleagues.
"I am not in position yet," replied Rei in her quiet steady voice.
"You know Evas can't move that fast, idiot" answered an annoyed Asuka as she plugged a new umbilical cable into her precious Unit Two.
Shinji was uncharacteristically impatient. He remembered that he had only ever disobeyed orders once of his own accord. Early on in his short career, he had charged the Fourth Angel and emerged victorious by the barest of margins. But that also resulted in him getting arrested, imprisoned, and chewed out by the only person who had shown him any kindness and respect in a very long time. He also gained some friends out of it, which was a good bonus to have.
Despite the irksome memory, he made a tactical decision not to wait for his teammates. He jumped out of the cover of the nearest skyscraper and opened fire with his pallet rifle.
That was when everything went wrong. Because of course they did.
The black striped sphere disappeared as the bullets from the rifle touched it. At the same time, a chorus of alarms went off in his entry plug and inside NERV's elaborate Combat Information Centre. There was also lots of shouting in the background, but any intelligence he could glean was lost in the sheer amount of shouting over the top of each other between the various operators in the CIC.
"Pattern Blue," he heard Ritsuko shout.
"It's... directly under Unit One," one of the bridge bunnies reported.
What? The? Hell?
Shinji looked down and where his Eva had been standing on solid, dependable concrete with reflective white paint to denote traffic lanes and other aspects of civilization, there was now just absolute, perfect murky blackness. What was worse, he was sinking into it like quicksand and couldn't pull himself out no matter how hard he willed it. He dropped his pallet rifle and, in an act of desperation, opened fire with his Evangelion's sidearm. The bullets vanished into the blackness with a barely visible ripple but had no effect on it otherwise.
"Shinji! Get out of there," someone who sounded very much like Misato shouted at him.
"Shinji! What are you doing you idiot?" came an Asuka-like voice.
"Misato! What's happening?! Misato?" something akin to his own voice yelled back and continued to yell at anyone and anything who had the smallest change of helping him. "Asuka! Ayanami! I need backup! Misato do you read me?!"
No matter how loud he shouted, it seemed as if the signal was not getting through, though he could hear everything they were saying. The eeriness of the situation added to his sense of dread. Everyone in the Command Information Centre was doing their best to get him out of this mess, but he was running out of time, and he couldn't tell them what was happening.
He was going numb with despair as the darkness crept up to and then past Unit One's chest. He could see Asuka and Rei skirting around the edge of the mire, or hopping over buildings that were suddenly sinking in sympathy with him, to try to rescue him. But he knew that whatever they did, it would be to no avail, or it would be too late.
I'm never going to be overconfident again. I wish I hadn't taken Asuka's bait.
He said those words to himself as his vision of the world disappeared, hoping that he would get a second chance. And in the next instant, all he could see was white and he felt like he was floating but not moving all at once.
/
Shinji had been inside this pure white space for more than ten hours by the still running mission clock. He had followed the manual and turned off all systems except for life support. Even that was running at a minimum. Despite this, his hope of rescue from this new kind of hell was starting to wane. If he wanted to live, then he was going to have to do something on his own. But he considered his options. If he turned everything back on, he would likely have less than one minute of full operating power, and then five minutes of waiting to die. Was it better to thrash about for a minute or go quietly into the night?
Despite the likely futility, he turned the sensor systems back on, to see if there was anything or anyone else out there aside from Unit One. He was met with silence. No radiation despite the stark whiteness, no particles despite obviously not floating, and no other soul within range. He turned everything off again, at a total loss for what to do aside from waiting for the inevitable, whatever that was.
Maybe this is for the best. I disobeyed orders again, tried to show my manliness and look what's happened. What's the point? Everyone probably hates me out there. I really should have just quit when I had the chance.
Shinji settled in again, trying to nap once more to preserve the little power Unit One had in reserve for as long as possible.
I guess I only have four or five hours to live.
I'm hungry.
A fitful sleep overtook him.
/
Shinji awoke with a start. He could smell blood. He checked himself, wondering if he'd managed to hit something in his sleep. He wasn't in pain and his plug suit was still intact. But the entry plug's interior seemed to be dimmer than when he last looked.
The plug's getting darker because the LCL is getting dirty. That must mean the filters are failing. I don't have much time left.
But then the smell and the taste of blood entered his consciousness leading to panic and his urge to survive set in. "Blood…! It smells like blood! Why won't this damned hatch open?!" he shouted with all his anger, frustration and fear.
"Open up! Let me out of here!"
"Misato! What's going on? Mistato!"
"Asuka! Ayanami!"
"Ritsuko!"
"Father…"
"Please, someone. Help me," Shinji pleaded. He wondered what the final moments would be like. He very much wanted not to suffer. He missed his S-DAT.
/
"Who is it?" Shinji asked, something or someone stirring his consciousness. "Who's there?"
He sat inside a train rattling through a golden sunset. Strangely it was empty as it sped across the Japanese landscape ruined by the Second Impact. Plenty of level crossings were notifying everyone to take care as the train passed, but there was never a car or a person waiting.
"Shinji Ikari," replied the only other person on the train. They sat across from Shinji, backlit by the setting sun.
"But I'm Shinji Ikari," declared a confused Shinji.
"I am you and you are me," proudly declared the Other. "Everyone has another 'self' inside them. Each self always consists of two selves."
"Two?" enquired Shinji. What the hell is this crap?
"The two selves are made of the self who is seen by others, and the self that observes that act," answered the Other calmly. "There are even multiples of the individual named Shinji Ikari."
"The Shinji Ikari in your own heart and mind."
"The Shinji Ikari in Misato Katsuragi's heart and mind."
"The Shinji Ikari in Asuka Langley Soryu's heart and mind."
"The Shinji Ikari in Rei Ayanami's heart and mind."
"The Shinji Ikari in Gendo Ikari's heart and mind."
"Each of those Shinji Ikaris is a different Shinji Ikari, and yet they're all the real Shinji Ikari," explained the Other. "You're afraid of the Shinji Ikaris who reside inside the hearts and minds of others."
"I'm afraid of being hated by other people," said Shinji.
"No. You're afraid of being hurt by them," retorted the Other.
"And whose fault is that?" asked Shinji angrily.
"It's Father's fault," acknowledged the Other.
"The Father who abandoned me," echoed Shinji. He then added: "But it's actually my own fault."
"There you go again, always ready to assume you're the one to blame!" derided the Other.
"But I'm the one that can't do anything right!" Shinji replied. Given the circumstances, Shinji felt justified in having that feeling.
"You're the only one who thinks that he can't do anything right," proclaimed the Other.
Meanwhile, train kept rattling along, the setting sun outside continued setting and level crossings remained lifeless.
"Don't you have faith in the work of your own Father?" a memory of Rei Ayanami enquired.
"I think I hate him. But I'm not sure anymore," Shinji answered her.
"Good work, Shinji," a memory of Gendo Ikari said.
"Father called me by my name!" announced Shinji happily. "My Father, of all people, actually praised me!"
The Other snorted in disgust. "You're going to keep holding on to that tiny bit of happiness for the rest of your life, aren't you?"
"If I believe in those what he said to me, I can go on living," Shinji said to his Other.
"By deluding yourself?" asked his Other.
"Everybody does it! Everybody does that so they can keep going!" Shinji shouted at himself.
"Believe in yourself for who you are. Otherwise, you won't be able to go on," surmised his Other.
"The world is full of too many painful things for me to live in it," bemoaned Shinji.
"Like not being able to swim?" his Other asked him.
"People aren't designed to float!" declared Shinji defensively.
"Now you're just lying to yourself," answered his Other.
"Call it whatever you want!" Shinji responded.
"You've spent your life ignoring or avoiding anything you don't like," said his Other calmly.
"In that last battle, his kid sister got..." Another painful memory of Shinji trying his best and failing.
"It doesn't matter what everybody else thinks!" shouted Shinji again.
"If you won't pilot the Evangelion, then leave!" Another painful memory of people forcing Shinji to do painful things.
"No! I don't want to hear this!" declared Shinji, hiding his ears behind his hands.
"See? You're running away again," said his Other coldly. "People can't just cherry-pick a series of pleasant events to make up their lives."
"Especially not me," agreed Shinji. He thought of his cello. "I finally found something that I enjoy doing."
"Finding something you like and doing just that one thing..."
"What's wrong with that?!" asked Shinji of his Other.
"Father... am I an unwanted child?" asked Shinji of his father.
"Father! You're the one who chose to run away!" Another echo from long ago.
"That's right! The man's suspected of killing his wife!"
"He killed his own wife!"
"No! Mother was... She was smiling," Shinji remembered himself saying.
"You did a really good thing today and people will praise you for it," Misato had told him. "You shouldn't run away, Shinji. Keep it up."
"I don't like it here. I'm tired of being...alone," said Shinji quietly to himself as he woke up from his dream.
He looked around inside the entry plug. It was much darker now. The lights had dimmed to a point where they couldn't get past the murky LCL and lights that were flashing or on, no longer functioned.
"The heater and oxygen circulation have both stopped," he told himself. "I'm so cold. It's hopeless. My suit's about had it.
I guess this is it. I'm so tired, tired of everything.
Shinji closed his eyes. Whether they stayed open or not in the darkness in these last moments mattered little to him. There was nothing to see, or do, except to accept the inevitable. His doom, but also his release.
It was then he felt the entry plug get warmer suddenly. It didn't matter. It was just his body giving him comfort as he and it approach that final moment. But it felt familiar somehow, like his…
Mother?
"Will you be okay?" he remembered hearing her kind, loving voice, just like that. "Oh? I'm glad to hear it."
The world faded to black for one Shinji Ikari, pilot of Evangelion Unit One.