"Winter break literally cannot come any faster," Maya groaned into the steering wheel right when Kim closed the car door. "I'm so not looking forward to getting back up in, like, 3 hours."
Kim adjusted the vents so that the hot air would blast on her fingers. She'd barely been outside for more than one minute and they were already frozen, but the warm air in the car enveloped her like a hug. Maya played with the radio dial, and settled on the newest Usher single, humming the chorus under her breath.
"Th-thanks for picking me up," Kim said apologetically between chattering teeth. The clock on the dashboard blinked a neon 12:32 am.
"Eh, I have homework to do, anyways," Maya said with a flick of her wrist before pulling out of the restaurant parking lot.
Kim and Maya both worked at the Double R Diner, but after she turned eighteen, Kim picked up late shifts to make a little extra money. Her mom worked nights, anyways, and what she doesn't know, won't hurt her. But, midnight was definitely pushing it.
Even though finals week made it feel like everything was draining the life out of her, it was a welcome distraction. Jared hadn't said a word to her since that morning-if he even bothered showing up to class at all.
Kim tried to ignore him, but she couldn't stop herself from sneaking looks. Maybe it really was all in her head? Most of the time, he didn't appear to even notice her. But every so often, she could catch him looking at her.
"So...anything new with the Jared situation?" Maya said with a knowing smile.
Kim couldn't even fake a look of surprise. She laughed, mostly to herself, before she said, "I think if he doesn't switch classes yet, he will by the end of the week."
"Woah, seriously?" she replied with a choked laugh.
"Mr. Adams gave him a week of morning detentions, and it's like he completely disappeared ever since." She struggled to not sound completely pathetic. "It's getting really hard not to think it's all because of me."
Her friend hesitated for a moment while the radio switched to a Nelly song.
"High school boys are all idiots." She laughed. "Jared, too. And he seriously doesn't deserve you after ignoring you for, like, years. I mean, should you really be that sad about this?"
She was perfectly aware that she was mostly invisible in Jared's world, and had been for most of their lives. But ever since that day, it feels different, sitting next to him in history. Sure, Jared had always known who she was. But it was like a switch had flipped, and every time Kim made eye contact with Jared, the air buzzed alive. Like he wasn't just looking at her, but into her.
How the hell could she explain all of this to Maya without sounding insane?
"This is all new, though," she said. "He at least talked to me once in a while, before. Now, he just… I don't know. Pretends like he doesn't care but I keep catching him looking at me. He's been acting so differently now since he started hanging out with Sam. And now Embry Call-"
"C'mon." Maya shook her head and gripped the steering wheel tighter in her hands. "Everyone wants to put the blame on Sam, as if he's like a bad person, as if Jared and Paul and—yes, Embry, too—can't make their own decisions. And—I'm sorry for saying this to you Kim, but you can't just excuse Jared for being an asshole to you and then blame it on anyone but him."
Kim knew it wasn't fair to bring Sam up. Maya didn't like talking about him, at least not anymore. They were distant cousins, but used to be close until he got sick. Kim could remember hanging out with him during the summer and over holidays, when Maya's family invited her and her mother over. He was really good at carving cedar wood into canoes, and usually sells them at farmers markets. He was nice and quiet. A gentle giant, and mostly a loner except for his girlfriend, Leah Clearwater.
He was a senior when he disappeared for two weeks and dropped out of high school without a word. Maya and Leah were close until he broke up with her for Leah's cousin. Now Sam worked closely with the Tribal Council and kept to himself, a ghost on the reservation.
"I'm sorry—you're right." She looked out the window at the tall trees passing by. "It's late, I wasn't thinking."
Maya hummed with a slight sat in silence for a moment.
"Speaking of looks – did you see the way Charlie looked at you during lunch the other day? What did you guys do when I left, make out in the bathroom?"
Kim snorted—she should've guessed Maya would find an excuse to talk about him.
"Pft, yeah, right. Not happening," Kim grumbled. "He was just worried about Embry."
"Right. After he asked you out to the bonfire next week."
"He invited you, too!"
"Like I'm going to a bonfire in December. Besides, I'm visiting colleges in B.C., remember?"
"Oh, right. Yeah." She looked out the window.
Graduation still felt so far away, but she knew it would be there before she knew it, and they would be going their separate ways. Kim couldn't imagine what it would be like to go a day without seeing her best friend, or to think about her making cool, new friends at a cool, new college in another country.
A wave of relief washed over her when she saw her mother's car absent from the parking lot and all the lights still off. Thankfully she hadn't come home from work yet, and Kim could get away with another night of working late on a school night.
"Thanks again," Kim said, gathering her things.
"Actually go to sleep this time, weirdo," Maya replied with a smile.
She rolled her eyes but smiled. Closing the door and walking up to the apartment building, she turned and waved goodbye.
It snowed on and off in blurry, wet chunks the last week of school before break. Most of the frost melted by noon, but would start again at dusk. Kim lived in fuzzy socks and sweaters, and constantly made hot chocolate for herself and her mom as she did her homework in front of the TV. After Mom left for her night shift at the hospital, Kim would change into her uniform and wait for Maya to drive her to The Double R Diner where, after she worked for hours, she'd collapse into bed. She would be lucky if she got more than 4 hours of sleep before she'd be woken up by another nightmare.
And rinse and repeat.
Kim supposed she was becoming depressed—though if she were honest with herself, she'd been depressed for a long time.
She wanted to try to shake herself out of it; Christmas was her favorite holiday. She loved the decorations, the songs, the sparkling lights on everyone's houses, and she was determined to make the most of it. Every year, Kim and her mother hung a wreath on the porch and wrapped flashing lights on the porch railing. The apartment too small for a regular-sized tree, they set out a small foot-high tree each year that Kim had since she was a baby.
Some of Kim's favorite memories were of her and her mother on Christmas Eve. As she grew up, those holiday traditions became less and less frequent when her mom, a registered nurse, began working night shifts at Forks Hospital.
The last Friday morning before break was too cold to sit on the patio, so Kim's mom sipped her coffee at the kitchen table. Kim cooked some eggs and toast, and ate breakfast quickly before getting dressed. She pulled out her ugly Christmas sweater and paired it with high-waisted mom jeans that she definitely stole from her mom's closet. Her legs still burned from her morning run.
"Too bad school isn't closed today, huh?" Mom said with a wink as Kim fixed her hair into a low bun.
Kim smiled as she slung her bag over her shoulder. "I don't mind—we're just watching Christmas movies and eating candy all day, anyway."
"Want a ride to school?"
The car was old, but reliable, her mom often said—though "reliable" was a bit questionable. The old, rusted Subaru probably had ten previous owners and smelled like cigarettes, but Kim couldn't keep from feeling affection towards it.
"How is school going so far?" her mom asked as she pulled out of the parking lot.
"It's okay," she said, fiddling with a loose thread on the cuff of her sweater. "All my classes are pretty easy. The only class that really sucks is Mr. Adams. He acts like his class is the only one we have. It's not even an honors class and the amount of work he's giving out is ridiculous."
"Well, the world is full of narcissistic people like him," her mom said. "You just have to keep in mind that it only gets better when you leave high school." She sipped her coffee. Kim knew no amount of coffee would keep her mom up. "What subject does he teach?"
"'American history,'" Kim said with quotation marks.
Her mom snorted. "That subject does tend to attract a certain type of patriotic person."
"Yep. And it's basically 'Colonization for Beginners.'"
Mom snorted. "Can't say I'm not surprised... I guess that's what the Community Center is for. Speaking of, are you planning on visiting during break? It would be really great for you to speak with some of our Elders. You know most of them don't have young people to talk to—it would mean a lot to them if you visited."
"You make it sound like it's a nursing home."
Her mom shrugged. "Well. Not to age me anymore than I already have—I think it can be difficult for kids to connect to our history. I know I struggled when I was your age." She paused. "Or, you know, it would look really good on your college application. It's a win-win."
Kim ignored the comment about college. "I signed up to help with the Winter Formal. I'm on fruit punch duty."
"Oh, wonderful! Next weekend, yeah? Hopefully I can make it out there before my shift."
Her mom pulled into the student drop off area and put the car into park. Reaching over, she put a calloused hand on her knee. "Listen. Don't be afraid to challenge your teacher. If he makes an ignorant remark or makes you uncomfortable, I'm here for you."
Kim smiled, putting her hand on top of her mother's. "Thanks, Mom."
As she stepped out of the car, she was welcomed by an explosion of red and green. Bulletin boards in the hallways had construction paper cut-outs of Christmas lights and trees, and classrooms decorated with streamers and snowflakes.
Kim was surprised to see that even Maya wore an ugly sweater with a smiling snowman on it.
"It's senior year, why not?" she explained with a shrug.
"Just admit you felt left out," Kim teased.
"Shut up."
Rounding the corner to class, Kim spotted a familiar face. "Maya! Kim! Oh my god, you guys look adorable!"
"Hey, I resent that," Maya said.
Elizabeth Mad River tilted her head and pouted. "Sorry, I don't think you can look hot in an ugly sweater."
"I see you're also dressed for the occasion," Kim said, gesturing to her outfit.
"You can never go wrong with a Santa Claus sweater," she said, laughing in return. Her red lipstick matched her ornament earrings. "And the fact that Maya is wearing one? Blink twice if you're being held hostage."
A couple of Elizabeth's friends stood off to the side, smiling at them politely, but otherwise kept their distance.
The Quileute Tribal School was too small to have defined "cliques"—they all grew up together and it wasn't unusual for people to have friends in multiple social groups. But Elizabeth was always friendly to Maya and Kim despite her prettiness and popularity, and made it a point to talk to them.
Elizabeth grinned, her eyes bright. "So, are you guys going to Charlie's bonfire tonight?"
Maya shook her head. "I'm leaving at lunch to go visit colleges in B.C with my dad. Kim wouldn't miss out, though, right?" She winked, nudging her side.
Kim wanted to kill her. She glared as Elizabeth laughed.
"Oh, then you totally should go, Kim!" Elizabeth said with a dazzling smile. Her niceness had an infectious quality about it. "I'll be there if you want someone to hang out with!"
As Elizabeth talked, a few of Kim's first period classmates started filling into the classroom. One of them – the height alone drawing all eyes to him – walked slowly down the hall, and Kim's heart sped up. Jared kept his gaze straight ahead, but his shoulders were tense.
After weeks of sporadic abscess, he decided to be here today, of all days? He wasn't wearing anything remotely festive—which didn't surprise Kim. He wore his usual dark jeans and a black T-shirt. Which wouldn't be so odd if it wasn't literally snowing outside.
Kim gawed on the corner of her lower lip. Wasn't he cold?
Half-listening to Elizabeth as she talked about the bonfire, Kim nodded as her eyes followed him until he walked into class, a frown deep on his face.
"-there? Kim?"
"Hm?" she said, looking away from the classroom door. "Sorry, what?"
"I'll see you at the bonfire?" Elizabeth repeated with a small smile. "I can pick you up if your mom's working."
"Oh, yeah, okay." She felt compelled to accept now, mostly out of embarrassment that she'd completely zoned out. She tried to ignore the look Maya gave her. "Thanks."
"No problem. I'll see you later—have fun in Vancouver, Maya!" They waved at her as she joined her friends and walked away.
"Hey, Kim." Maya put her hand on her shoulder. "You might want to wipe that drool off your chin next time."
She touched her chin and rolled her eyes when Maya guffawed.
Mr. Adams was the only teacher that actually took the class period seriously. It was enough to almost turn the day sour, but Kim couldn't pretend that even the thought of seeing Jared for a moment didn't excite her.
Jared's eyes immediately found hers when she had stepped in, as if she had called his name. His eyes darkened before glancing down at her sweater. Surprisingly—and Kim wasn't even sure if she was seeing it right—his lips twitched. Was that a smile?
Kim tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She hurried to her seat, being careful not to draw too much attention to herself as class started.
"Alright class," Mr. Adams announced, "I know I'm being a Scrooge, but your college professors won't go easy on you, so neither will I."
Kim internally groaned with the class as they flipped their textbooks open.
Throughout the class period, she took diligent notes, drawing nonsensical doodles in the margins. Ever since Jared realized that she existed, she'd become more mindful about controlling her gaze during class. But even while strategically angling her body away from him, it was difficult not to glance at him when she could feel his eyes on her.
When their gazes inevitably locked, she was the first to look away.
And the weird thing was, he never mentioned it to her. Kim would die of mortification if he were to ever confront her about it, but he seemed to just ignore it. And all she could wonder was, did he know?-he had to know. And while the thought of him knowing that she liked him would have previously made her want to vomit, now she was just...curious.
Because even if he wasn't interested in her, why did she catch him looking at her, too? Why try to hold her gaze as if he's moments away from telling her something? Like something is just lying in wait.
When the bell for the end of class finally rang, it felt like every student let out a collective sigh of relief. Now they could enjoy the rest of their last day of classes before break.
As Kim grabbed her things, she could see out of the corner of her eye Jared lingering in the aisle.
Reluctantly, she looked over at him. He hesitated, and Kim's heart began to pick up.
But it didn't matter. Because after a few moments, Jared shook his head at himself and grabbed his backpack with shaking hands. She watched him rudely push past the others and walk out without another glance.
And Kim couldn't even vent to Maya about it; her dad picked her up before lunch. She would have to suffer in silence.
After the last period bell rang signaling freedom, Kim went over to her locker to drop off the textbooks she wouldn't need for break. All gone except for you, American History textbook. She swore at Mr. Adams under her breath.
"You shouldn't go."
Kim nearly jumped out of her skin. She whirled around to a face that made her heart catapult into her throat.
Jared stood with a hand deep in one pocket, the other on his backpack strap. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes, which were looking at her with suspicion. He looked so tired – was he even sleeping? she wondered.
Kim felt her cheeks warm under his gaze.
Standing at his full height, he was over a foot taller than her. The shaggy hair on his forehead was pushed away, exposing the furrow between his brow. A single, unruly strand of hair fell back over his forehead.
She realized with a start that he was waiting for her to say something.
"Wh-what did you say?" she asked dumbly, blinking up at him.
"You shouldn't go," he repeated, now annoyed.
"Go...where?"
"To the bonfire tonight."
Kim blinked and looked up at him in surprise. "How did you know about that?"
Jared just stared silently down at her before shifting his weight, looking almost awkward now.
"Did Charlie tell you about it?" she asked hesitantly.
"No," he said, his voice deep and gravely. "Word gets around."
"Oh." She paused. "Okay…"
He didn't make a move that he was going to leave yet. She waited for him to elaborate.
Was this what people meant when they said puberty changed boys? That they grew a foot taller out of nowhere, and told you cryptic things in the hallways?
Her hand that was gripped the locker door was stiff, and she forced herself to release it. Kim nervously tucked her hair behind one ear. Her heart thumped so loudly in her chest that she was positive he could hear it. "Can-can I ask why?"
Jared's nostrils flared, his eyes trained on her hand before he leaned further away from her. He blinked as if jerking himself out of a trance.
"How are your hands?" he mumbled. "Fall on any more rocks?"
She blinked, confused. She lifted both of her hands between them, her palms facing up. The lacerations on her hands had nearly completely disappeared, aside from small ones closer to her wrist and around the muscle on the base of her thumb.
"Uh…um, no. They're better now," she said, laughing softly. "Haven't really had time to go running. Y'know, with finals and everything. And it's getting colder out..." She drifted off, seized by a wave of embarrassment. Nice word vomit, Kim.
When Kim looked back up, his gaze on her hands was soft with a pinch of concern between his brows. He nodded slowly, a strand of his choppy hair falling on his forehead. He pushed it out of the way, more strands falling out from behind his ear. "Good, that's, uh, good." His eyes were still on her hands.
Compared to his, they looked almost like doll hands.
He blinked slowly, taking a deep breath before he leaned back away from her. He looked down the hallway, and Kim followed her gaze. A cluster of underclassmen were looking at them excitedly, whispering amongst themselves and giggling. Kim could only imagine what the two of them looked like.
Swallowing thickly, she dropped her hands until they were back to her sides.
Jared stared pointedly into her open locker behind her. He clenched his jaw. He now looked…uncomfortable.
"The beach isn't safe right now."
Was he being serious? The same beach they grew up going to since they were babies?
"Afraid a wave will sweep me out to sea?" she joked. He didn't crack a smile and she deflated. "I mean, I appreciate your concern, but—"
"There are bear sightings. It wouldn't be safe," he said, his voice thick.
Bears? "Oh...okay. I think we'll be safer in a group then. They don't usually approach if there's a fire, anyways." She paused. "I mean… You know, we're just going to hang out—me, Elizabeth, Charlie. Some other seniors. And you… could come, too."
A look of surprise overcame him as Kim's cheeks burned.
Jared's gaze dropped, his jaw tense. "I don't think that's a good idea."
She deflated immediately. "Oh, okay, right—"
"Do what you want, I don't care." His sudden hostility threw her for a loop as she stared, her mouth slightly agape.
"...Should be kept that way," he muttered to himself before he abruptly turned away.
He glanced at her quickly over her shoulder for a split second before disappearing around the corner.
A/N: Chapter title inspired by "No One Knows" by Queens of the Stone Age.