Chapter 52 – An Angel's Lament

Ryuji Nakajima sat on his bunk in the barracks he shared with his platoon, examining the new rifle he and his company had been issued. It was a Heckler & Koch G11, one of the most advanced infantry arms ever fielded, and something previously restricted to the special forces. He had to admit that it was an impressive weapon, his time on the range with it the previous day had displayed it's true capabilities. The three round burst feature at a firing rate of over two thousand rounds a minute was leaps and bounds ahead of anything the Howa Type 64 he was used to was capable of offering. If things had been different he'd have been thrilled with being issued the weapon... but not with how things were.

"It's not like you to just sit there admiring your piece," a familiar voice called out from a few meters away. "Though I get it, those things are pretty damn impressive."

He turned his head to find Masaki standing there with a distant frown, dressed in the new kit their regiment had been outfitted with, full black kevlar and an advanced paratroop style helmet that once again had previously only been in use with the Special Forces until recently. He forced a smile. "The new field uniform looks good on you," he stated simply.

Masaki sat down next to him and removed his helmet with a sigh. "You know, Nakajima-kun, I used to think you were going crazy with all your theories... but now I can't help but think you have a point," he stated softly.

Nakajima snorted in response. "Took you long enough," he grumbled. "What did it take? The fact that we've been issued rifles made out of kraut space magic?"

Masaki chuckled for a moment before breathing a heavy sigh. "I guess that was the final straw," he replied quietly. "But it made me think about when you called me three sheets to the wind saying you overheard Colonel Shikishima at whatever sleazy bar you stumbled into that night..."

Nakajima scowled. "I know what I heard, Masaki," he grumbled. "What else could they have been referring to as 'the company?'"

"Yeah, I know, and considering even units like ours are being issued special forces gear, I'm actually starting to believe you," Masaki replied. "Now, what I mean to ask is... what do you think is gonna happen?"

Before Nakajima had a chance to respond the door to the barracks opened, causing him to turn his attention to said doorway. In stepped Sergeant Saito with a distant expression adorning his usually sharp and stoic features. He halted in his tracks and regarded the two of them with a contemplative expression that was unexpected considering his usual demeanor. "I'm not surprised that Nakajima skipped the chow hall but you're not one to miss a meal Masaki," he stated. "Are you boys alright?"

"I wasn't hungry, sir," Masaki replied.

"I was just getting familiar with the new rifle, sir," Nakajima added instinctively.

Saito's lip twitched upward for a moment before he stepped forward and crossed the room before sitting down on the bed across from himself and Masaki. Nakajima tensed as his platoon sergeant locked eyes with him, half expecting some sort of demeaning comment or command to spill out of his mouth. "You boys are worried about what's coming, aren't you?" he asked, a cynical smile taking shape on his lips.

Nakajima nodded and bowed his head, looking down at his boots. "Yes sir," he admitted. "I have been for months..."

"What Nakajima said, sir," Masaki echoed.

Saito breathed a sigh. "Let's drop the formal bullshit. No need to call me sir right now, okay?" he replied as he pulled a cigarette pack out of his pants pocket. He pulled a cigarette out of the pack and placed it between his teeth, lighting it before he continued speaking. "Right now we're speaking man to man. Now, trust and believe, I'm worried too..."

Nakajima's frown deepened. It was so unlike the hard-ass Sergeant Saito to speak like this. Hell, he'd never seen the man show even an iota of vulnerability except when their regiment hand witnessed that demon known as Evangelion Unit 01 burst out of that black and white sphere monster. Even though their professional relationship had always been strained it was unnerving to see him speaking like this. "I'm surprised to hear you say that," he replied.

"Yeah, sarge, it's not like you," Masaki added.

Saito took a long drag off his smoke. "Yeah... and there's only so much horseshit I can shovel before the stink makes me want to leave the barn," he replied. He lifted his gaze and Nakajima flinched as the man's eyes locked with his. "These days I'm inclined to believe our resident conspiracy theorist that something's up."

Masaki lips parted in a silent gasp. "Wait, you think that the military's gearing up for a confrontation with NERV too?" he murmured in surprise.

Saito blew a plume of smoke out through his nose. "At this point you'd be an idiot not to," he huffed. "Especially with all the drills and training exercises we've been undergoing."

Nakajima would have laughed if the subject of conversation weren't so bleak. "Do you think any of the officers know what's going on?" he asked quietly. "Do they know the reason behind all this build up?"

Saito took another puff on his cigarette. "If they do then they've certainly been tight lipped about it," he replied. "But like you I'm guessing it has to do with NERV. I know it..."

Masaki took that moment to speak up. "We've seen what those machines of theirs can do, those metal monsters..." he murmured softly. "What hope does the SDF really have against them if things really do go tango uniform?"

"My guess is shock and awe," Saito replied darkly. "I'd imagine we'd make the first move before they can retaliate..."

Nakajima folded his hands in front of his face, rested his lips against them, and studied the tile floor with a scowl. "I hate playing the waiting game..." he muttered more to himself rather than to his friend or his sergeant.

Colonel Mitsuo Shikishima sat at his desk with his chin in his palm. The previous few days had been a flurry of activity and all of said activity had been deeply troubling considering the things he knew thanks to Fujita and Kaji. The fact that the regular units were being outfitted with the same kit that his special forces were was a huge point of concern. It was even more evidence of all the things in the dossier that General Oda hadn't even read before burning...

The door to his office opened and in stepped Major Ichijo. "Do you have a moment, sir?" he asked, standing half way through the doorway.

Shikishima gestured for him to enter. "Certainly," he replied evenly. "I've caught up on most of the tasks I've been assigned."

His subordinate stepped into the office and closed the door before stepping up to the desk and standing at attention. "Sir, I must voice my concerns..." he spoke softly.

Shikishima breathed a sigh. Of all the people in the complex of military might, he was probably the only one he could speak candidly with anymore. "Sit down, Ichijo. What are your concerns? And you can speak plainly. Whatever you say here stays between us," he replied, his lips curving further downward. Why did what he was saying now remind him so much of his failed approach of Oda except from the opposite end?

The stern faced Major did as instructed and sat down. He placed his hands on his knees and stared back at him with a serious and concerned expression. "So... Oda's been keeping you rather confined in recent days..." he spoke quietly.

Shikishima tensed as the memory of that fateful conversation with Oda flashed through his mind. Ever since then the old fuck had been keeping him so occupied with paperwork he was on the edge of insanity. He supposed that it was better than any alternative, a discharge, court-martial, or worse... "Indeed he has..." he replied.

Ichijo leaned forward, a look of concern on his face. "You've not been yourself since then, or even before that," he stated quietly. "You've been, how do I put this kindly... nervous, sir..."

Shikishima sighed once again and swiveled his chair around to look out the window. Oda had for all intents and purposes placed a gag order on him after that incident. The fact that he'd managed to contact Fujita one last time to inform him of the situation at had been risky enough... but he couldn't keep things from his second in command forever. He had to admit he had been acting strangely ever since that day. He wasn't a good liar like everyone else in the echelons of power... "I am nervous, Ichijo," he replied. "What's your point? Be straight with me like you always are."

There was a pause before Ichijo spoke again. "What happened the other day between you and Oda?" he asked quietly.

Shikishima closed his eyes and folded his hands across his chest. "It all comes back to NERV, Ichijo," he replied. "I gave him the truth as I saw it and he chose to ignore it..."

"What truth?" Ichijo pressed.

Shikishima opened his eyes and gazed up at the ceiling. He supposed that he had no choice but to explain the situation. The more people who knew then the better chance there was to at least delay the inevitable... "Fujita uncovered some... uncomfortable truths," he replied. "Truths that men like Oda find hard to swallow..."

"Like what?" Ichijo inquired, the worry in his voice intensifying.

Shikishima pivoted around to face his subordinate, meeting his aprehensive gaze with a steely expression. "The line we've been fed about NERV is a lie," he stated firmly. "Everything we've been preparing for is bullshit, Ichijo. It's all total bullshit..."

Ichijo stared back at him with a serious expression. "You mean these rumors about a coup attempt?" he asked softly. "The whole reason we've been gearing up for war?"

Shikishima nodded, trying his best to remain stoic. "Precisely," he replied.

Ichijo flinched and his lips curved downward. "Then, if I may be so bold, what the actual hell is going on, Mitsuo?" he pressed.

Shikishima leaned forward and placed his elbows atop his desk, folding his hands in front of his face. If only it was something that could be explained in a single conversation... that would make it so much easier. "It's too delicate to explain," he returned. "All I can tell you is that things aren't what they seem and we're set to do something that won't end well for anyone. All we can do is sit back and wait..."

"If I may ask, wait for what?" Ichijo inquired with a scowl, locking eyes with him as if in a staring contest.

Shikishima stared back at him. "Wait for Fujita and a friend of his to blow the lid off of what's actually going on..." he replied.

Ichijo looked away, a deep scowl on his lips. "Lets say that you're right..." he returned quietly. "Lets say that this coup plot is complete bullshit but we have to go in anyway... what then?"

Shikishima breathed a heavy sigh and stared down on he hardwood surface of his desk. "I suppose we follow our orders..." he muttered darkly. "That's all we can do..."

"Yeah..." Ichijo returned. "I suppose that's all was can do..."

Shikishima looked up and studied Ichijo intensely. Something about his expression got him curious. "You started suspecting the farce we're embroiled in, haven't you?" he asked. "Even before I stated as such."

Ichijo took off his cover and ran a hand through his hair. "Honestly, sir, yes..." he returned quietly. "It's all too convenient. Everything seems too... planned out. The exercise in Hokkaido, the regulars getting our kit, the fact that NERV has been the only thing keeping us safe from those monsters up until now... it all seems like we're trapped in some sick game."

Shikishima nodded. "Yeah... it sure seems that way..." he replied darkly.

Ritsuko stood looking out over the test plugs watching as the synchronization test commenced. Both Rei and Shinji's scores had fallen, as would have been expected after their last encounter, but Nagisa's score was shockingly high. Well... it would have been for anyone else observing the test. She knew why it was such, but she couldn't tell anyone lest she risk her safety. The fact that he was the final Angel was the reason for his abnormally high score... "Stabilize plug depth here," she ordered. "Let's see how well they hold."

"Yes senpai," Maya responded, keying in the needed commands into the computer console.

"This is incredible..." Lt. Hyuga spoke up. "The Fifth Child's scores are already surpassing both Rei and Shinji's scores..."

"Is this data correct?" Misato inquired, her voice coming out in a hushed and contemplative tone.

"All of the test systems seem to be working as they should," Lt. Hyuga responded.

There was a short pause before Maya definitively answered the combat director's question. "The Magi confirm that there are no data errors..." she replied.

Ritsuko folded her arms across her chest. "Synchronizing without us even reconfiguring Unit 02's core..." she muttered, more to herself than the rest of the room. "Incredible..."

Maya turned around in her seat and regarded her with a genuinely worried expression. "B- but... but this isn't possible, senpai..." she stammered nervously.

Ritsuko's frown deepened. Except it was completely possible considering what the Fifth Child actually was. Still, she couldn't reveal what she knew. If she did then it would put everyone at risk, after all, once a secret is out it can spread like wildfire. If SEELE were to know their secret was blown then it wouldn't end well... but if she acted like everything was fine then it would only bring suspicion onto her. "You're right," she replied after a pause. "It isn't supposed to be..."

"And yet it's happening nonetheless," Misato grumbled. "We must accept that fact and start and investigation into why it's so."

Ritsuko glanced over at her estranged friend standing there meters away, her arms folded across her chest, her eyes fixed on the testing plugs with a laser focus. The statement was understandable but it also filled her with a sense of dread. If Misato or anyone else started doing some real digging how difficult would it be to find out who and what the Fifth Child was? Heck, if she were to start digging around with anything what would that mean for her? The truth needed to eventually come out but if it wasn't a controlled release then who knew what could happen... "I suppose that's warranted, yes," she stated evenly.

Misato turned her gaze to her, eyes narrowing. "Really?" she inquired darkly. "You'll back me up on that decision?"

Ritsuko studied Misato's expression. Clearly there was some kind of hostility in her voice but exactly what had spurred such was a mystery. Her friend had long ago become cynical about NERV... perhaps she was doing some of her own research into the truth. Her lips parted in surprise at that thought. If that was the case then things were certainly more delicate than she'd ever imagined... "I would, yes," she replied as calmly as she could.

Misato turned her gaze once again to the test plugs. "Good," she replied quietly. "I'll have section two start an official inquiry as soon as possible..."

Ritsuko also turned her gaze out to the plugs, her mind beginning to fill with nervous thoughts. It was unlikely, but if Misato was able to dig up the truth about Kaworu Nagisa then it could spell doom for everyone, though she had no way of knowing that. It also got her wondering... had she been digging around already? If so, what had she found out already? Was she the reason she hadn't been able to find her security card and had needed to have another one printed? If any of that then things were certainly far more delicate that she'd suspected them being.

She drew a deep breath through her nose and silently let it out, retaining her composure. For now all she could do was play the waiting game and reconvene with Rei to see where things stood. With that thought in mind she stepped over and keyed the radio. "Alright you three, we've got the data we need," she stated. "The test is over. You guys can power down now."

"Roger that," Rei responded over the frequency.

"Yes ma'am," Shinji chimed in.

"Very well..." Nagisa added after a short pause.

"Powering down now," Maya stated quietly.

Ritsuko watched as the test wound down and the pilots began to disembark from the plugs. Silently she began plotting her next course of action. The first step was to speak with Rei and discuss the matter of the Fifth Child in greater detail with her and the next step would be notifying Gendo of the test results and perhaps prod him for any information he might have. It was a tactical move, not a strategic one, but it was all she could think of in the moment.

Her gaze trailed down to the floor. Gendo... that was another situation that was getting more and more difficult to handle, one that she couldn't help but sense she had limited time to resolve as well.

Rei followed Ritsuko into her office and sat down on the folding chair her faux blonde friend kept in there just for her. As soon as the synchronization test results were read Ritsuko had asked if she could speak with her and she'd agreed even though she'd have preferred not to in the moment. She'd would rather have tried to get another moment with Shinji but the look Ritsuko had given her in that moment had let her know it was important and so she'd agreed. "Is something wrong?" she asked as soon as the faux blonde had shut the door behind them and she'd gotten situated in her chair.

"Lots of things," Ritsuko replied as she crossed the room and sat down in her own chair. "For one, I'm worried that Misato knows more than she's letting on..."

Rei flinched and her heart rate accelerated. That statement could mean just about anything. If Misato was digging into the secrets of NERV on her own then it would only be a matter of time before she learned about the Instrumentality Project in full. Once that happened it would either give the two of them a leg up or, more likely, Misato would try to blow the lid off it and incur the full force of SEELE's wrath in response... "W- what do you mean?" she stammered in response.

Ritsuko shrugged her shoulders and folded her arms. "I mean exactly that," she replied. "I think it's possible she's been doing her own digging into things but probably doesn't know all that much."

"What makes you think that?" Rei pressed, hoping to understand why the faux blonde felt this way.

"Just a hunch," Ritsuko replied with a little laugh. "Just something about how she said she wanted to investigate the origins of the Fifth Child."

Rei bowed her head and fidgeted with the hem of her skirt. That was very unlike Ritsuko to come to such conclusions based on such minimal evidence. Such a thing worried her, perhaps more so than if Misato were actually snooping around. It showed that the stress of their situation was starting to wear on her... "So you have no other reason to suspect such a thing?" she asked.

Ritsuko sighed. "Only what I told you, and that my security card went missing a few days ago and I needed to get another made," she replied. "Other than that, I don't have much to go on. I could very well just be being paranoid..."

Rei let those words sink in. It wasn't much to go on, but it did pose a risk. Then again, at this late in the game it might not matter. "I guess we should be wary of that possibility..." she murmured. "But with how little time left it might not make a difference."

"That's unfortunately very true..." Ritsuko returned after just a moment. "We are very short on time, and that brings me to the real elephant in the room; Nagisa."

Rei bit her lip, thinking back to the conversation that she'd had with him just before the test. "What about him?" she asked.

There was a short pause before Ritsuko responded. "Can you still confirm that he no longer wishes to carry out his purpose as the Final Angel?" she inquired nervously.

Rei lifted her gaze to meet Ritsuko's and nodded even as she continued fidgeting with her skirt. "Yes," she replied honestly. "I can confirm... but I don't know if he'll be able to."

Ritsuko sighed and snatched up the pack of cigarettes on her desk. "Is there anything that we could feasibly do to assist him?" she inquired as she pulled one out and set it between her lips. "That is, if he's being truthful.

Rei once again looked down and studied the pattern of the tile floor. She supposed that there was the vague possibility that he wasn't being honest when he'd told her that he wanted to defy SEELE but it was incredibly unlikely. Nagisa, as abrasive as he was at times, had never struck her as a dishonest person. Yes, he'd been honest with her... but... "I don't think that we can help him..." she replied.

Ritsuko lit the cigarette and took a long drag with closed eyes. "Unfortunately, I think you're right..." she returned bitterly. "It seems that we're all simply trapped in the waiting game..."

Rei tensed. She was basically speaking in plain words exactly what she was most afraid of, that there was nothing for any of them to do except wait and see what would happen going forward. She hated that feeling. She hated knowing that it was the bitter truth of their situation... "Yes..." she replied. "That is how it is..."

Ritsuko took another drag off her smoke and regarded her with a sympathetic smile. "Well... I guess there's not much left to talk about that's pertinent to the greater goal," she spoke softly. "However, I need to task because I care about you... what was it like seeing Shinji earlier? Did the two of you get a chance to talk?"

Rei felt the ghost of a smile wash over her if only for a moment. It had been a short conversation, one that needed a continuance thereof, but it had given her a little bit of hope. Things were still tenuous and the path forward would be tumultuous, but he accepted her for what she was. That alone had allowed her to feel hope again. "It was... difficult... but I think we can move past what happened with time," she replied after a long pause.

Ritsuko nodded and issued a small smile of her own. "That's good, Rei. I'm happy for you," she returned, taking another drag of her cigarette before snubbing it and standing from her seat. "I need to deliver the report on the sync tests to Commander Ikari. You should go home, or see if you can catch Shinji if he's still around."

The latter seemed like a rather pleasant course of action to take. Her smile grew a little wider as she stood from her seat and gave a polite bow. "Thank you, Ritsuko," she replied. "I'll do that."

The two of them left the office and immediately went in separate directions down the hall after a polite goodbye. As she walked, Rei continued playing over the conversation between herself, Shinji, and Nagisa from before the test and slowly but surely her pace ground to a halt. The fear she harbored began to overwhelm her...

She wanted to continue their conversation from earlier, she really did, but she wasn't sure how to explain the rest. How would she feasibly explain the gift that Yui-sama had given her? Things were already so difficult between the two of them. If she were to tell him now then he would surely push her away. The only reason Ritsuko had ever believed her was that she had literally seen her memories in the form of data files and there was no way she could just show Shinji that. If she did he would probably freak out and run... but she did need to tell him. It was the right thing to do and she owed it to him. If they were to ever be more than friends then she needed to do that but telling him could and most likely would make that impossible. It was a paradox of the worst sort.

She bit her lips and fought to suppress that all too familiar stinging sensation behind her eyes. No... No. No, she wouldn't give in to that fear. She would tell him... just not now. It would be better to tell him once things were settled, after and if SEELE could be defeated. Once that happened then she could take that risk. If she drove him away or into some kind of depression before hand then it would only put that goal in jeopardy...

That was when her thoughts pivoted to one of the final parts of her conversation with Nagisa, specifically the part pertaining to Asuka. He'd asked her to check in on her for him, an expression of concern for her well being. It was clear from what little she'd seen of the two of them together when school was in session that the two of them were close and his outward expression of concern for her was further evidence of that. It filled her with worry. If Nagisa was unable to alter his destiny then she could only imagine the fallout and her friend's reaction to it.

She decided right then in that moment. Even if Nagisa might hate her for it, even if Asuka might hate her for it she was going to tell Asuka exactly what he was. Asuka deserved to know what was going on. She deserved to find out any other way other than by Nagisa fulfilling SEELE's wishes. If he wasn't going to tell her or if he was too afraid to do so then she would do it...

But even with that it mind, Rei couldn't help but feel dirty about it...

Shinji found himself sitting alone on a bench beside one of the many main elevators that would lead up to the surface, staring up at the ceiling and the florescent lights above. He sat there with his cassette player in his hand and the earbuds in his ears... but there wasn't any music playing, the battery had died probably only a few minutes after he'd decided to take a rest. He'd been using it far too much in the last few days. He supposed it showed just how much he'd been running from his problems in recent days...

After the conclusion of the sync test he'd been a little bit saddened that Ritsuko had summoned Rei to speak with her alone but he understood. Considering Ritsuko was there the day that Rei took him down to... that place, they were no doubt very close. Probably she just wanted to make sure that Rei was doing okay. Heck... Ritsuko probably thought less of him for how childishly he'd reacted that day... Either way, he'd gotten changed after the test and then stopped here at the bench he currently sat on in hopes of running into Rei before going home, hoping they could continue their conversation. She apparently had something more to tell him, and as much as that worried him, he wanted to know what that was, what final secret she had in store for him. After everything he'd seen already he was certain that whatever it was he could handle it...

The doors of the center elevator in the bank of three slid open and instantly he turned his attention to it. Out stepped Kaworu Nagisa, the newly designated Fifth Child. He still found it a little strange that yet another one of his classmates had been chosen as a pilot but he wasn't going to hold it against the pale boy. "Hey," he greeted, forcing a smile. "Your scores were really good today, especially for your first time."

He nodded and issued a somber smile. "I suppose it's beginner's luck..." he replied quietly.

Something about those words didn't allow him to maintain his false grin. They reminded him quite a bit of his own early days piloting the Eva... "I'm really not sure luck applies in this situation," he returned almost bitterly.

Nagisa's smile faltered. "I'll trust the expert's opinion then," he replied before going on to levy a question. "I don't meant to be rude, but is there a reason you're just sitting there?"

Shinji sighed and returned his gaze to the ceiling. "I was waiting for someone..." he muttered.

There was a moment of silence that hung heavy in the air. "For Ayanami?" the pale boy asked.

Shinji nodded. "Yeah..." he replied. "But it's been a while. I don't even know if she'll come by this way."

He listened to Nagisa's footsteps as he stepped closer to him and sat upright. The pale boy sat down beside him and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, a contemplative frown on his face. "You should call her if you want to see her," he stated quietly. "It seems unproductive to leave things to chance."

Shinji knew that he was right... "It's complicated..." he replied. It was a lame excuse and he knew it but somehow talking on the phone just seemed awkward.

Nagisa nodded his head. "Interpersonal interaction always is, at least in my experience..." he murmured in response.

Shinji couldn't help but agree, his mind at once flashing back to the final conversation that he'd had with his father. "Yeah," he returned quietly, bitterly even, his lips curving down in a deep scowl. "It really is..."

Nagisa turned his head to face him with a somber expression. "Can I ask you something?" he inquired.

Shinji shrugged his shoulders and finally pulled the headphones out of his ears. "Sure," he replied. "What is it?"

Nagisa once again breathed a heavy sigh, staring forward as if looking at some place far away. "How has Soryu-san been?" he asked quietly. "Is she doing alright?"

If he'd been expecting anything it certainly wasn't that... "How should I know?" he answered rhetorically, eyeing Nagisa with a perplexed expression.

Nagisa turned to him with a stony expression tinged with a little bit of sadness. "You're her roommate, right?" he replied. "Shouldn't you know how she is?"

Shinji looked down at space between his feet. It was true that he and Asuka shared the same living space but more and more the two of them seemed like strangers. They'd been friends at one point, yes, but they'd been drifting farther and farther apart in recent weeks. Nagisa's question made him feel just a little guilty. If they really had been friends, especially friends who might have once trusted one another with their lives, shouldn't he have reached out to her? Shouldn't he have actually been there for her when he knew she was having a rough time the same as he was? "We don't talk much anymore..." he returned quietly. "Asuka's pretty withdrawn these days..."

"I see..." Nagisa murmured in reply. "That's unfortunate..."

Shinji glanced over at the pale boy. Something about the way he said that got him curious... "You and Asuka are friends, right?" he asked, remembering the times he'd seem the two of them together at school.

He nodded, the ghost of a smile cresting on his lips. "Yeah..." he replied. "I'd like to think that we are..."

Shinji let those words sink in. Just how close were the two of them? It wasn't his business but he still wanted to know. "You're good friends with Asuka, aren't you?" he asked softly.

Nagisa's lips twitched upwards but the look in his eyes remained far away and sad. "Indeed we are friends, or at least we were..." he replied quietly, sounding as if some of his words were choked or forced, he couldn't tell. "Asu... Soryu-san is very important to me..."

That statement truly hit him. The tone in his voice told him everything he needed to know. He'd seen brief glimpses of the two of them at school but the way he spoke those words showed him just how much he really cared about her. That tone in his voice... it reminded him of how he's speak about Rei if pressed on the subject... and he couldn't help but envy that candor. "Are you worried about her" he asked.

Nagisa turned to face him, that thousand meter stare retained in his eyes even as the ghost of a smile wormed it's way across his features. "I am..." he replied. "She... didn't take it well when she found out I'm the new pilot."

Shinji snorted at that comment. "I can't imagine she would," he muttered. "Being a pilot was really important to her."

Nagisa didn't acknowledge that statement and continued staring ahead for a few moments before speaking again. "I hope that she isn't too angry with me..." he stated quietly.

The conflict in his voice was palpable. Just how deep did his feelings for Asuka run? As curious as he was it wasn't his place to ask... "If you're really friends she'll get over it," he replied encouragingly. "She's a prideful person but she'll understand. Besides, it wasn't your choice to become a pilot anyway. None of us had a choice..."

Nagisa frowned and nodded once again. "You're right, none of us had a choice at all..." he murmured. "And I hope you're right about Soryu-san."

"I've lived with her for months now," Shinji returned. "I know I am."

Nagisa's lips curved upwards and he turned his head to face him. "I appreciate your confidence," he replied. "You're a good person, Shinji Ikari."

At that Shinji could no longer meet his gaze, his lips contorting into a scowl as he stared into the tiles of the floor. Instantly all sorts of bad memories began swirling through his mind. How could Nagisa say such a thing when he barely knew him? How could he say that when he didn't know how much of a spineless coward he was? How could he say that when he didn't know about how he'd put Touji in a coma, constantly ran from his problems, and ran away from Rei when she'd finally been truly open with him? "I don't think so..." he muttered in reply.

There was another long pause. "Lots of things are troubling you..." Nagisa eventually stated.

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh. Of course he was terrible at hiding it, just like he was terrible overall. "Is it that obvious?" he asked.

"It's written all over your face," Nagisa stated before positing a question. "It's in regards to Ayanami, isn't it?"

Shinji bit his lip. "Yes..." he admitted. "And other things. It's sort of about everything..."

There was yet another awkward pause. "Would talking about it help at all?" Nagisa asked. "If so, I'd gladly listen."

It was tempting. Part of him really did want some kind of outside perspective from someone who wouldn't judge... but the idea of telling anyone about his problems was difficult to swallow. It would only lead to them viewing him for the coward he was. "No," he replied bitterly. "I'd rather not talk about it..."

Nagisa nodded stood up from the bench. Shinji looked up at him and the pale boy smiled down at him with a melancholy look in his eyes. "I understand," he returned warmly. "There are some things that one needs to face on their own."

Shinji nodded back in response. "Yeah," he returned. "That's true. Thanks for understanding."

Nagisa stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked ahead at the elevator doors. "Well... if you want to deal with things alone, I like thinking about things on the shore of the Ashinoko lakes," he stated calmly. "The view at sunset is very pretty..."

He knew well that view. He'd gone there once before and viewed the sunset as Nagisa had suggested and it had given him a small amount of perspective... "I'll keep that in mind," he replied.

Nagisa nodded. "Take care, Shinji Ikari," he replied as he stepped away down the hall.

Shinji watched him go for a moment before standing from the bench himself. Maybe Nagisa was right. The view from that place was rather striking. Perhaps it would give him a little bit of perspective if he were to go there for a session of silent contemplation...

With that thought in mind, he moved toward the elevator, stepped inside, and pressed the button that would take him up to the surface...

Ritsuko gently pressed open the door to Gendo's office. Even though she was here on business it was the first time they'd be speaking since their little tryst. It made her heart beat fast and hard. She poked her head inside the office and took sight of him sitting there at his desk, facing away from her out the window. It looked like he had something in his hand that he was holding up and that he was talking to himself. She couldn't help but wonder what it was but it wasn't really important at the moment. She was here on business after all... "Am I interrupting something?" she called across the room.

Gendo turned around swiftly put whatever was in his hand into his desk. "No," he replied evenly. "It's nothing important. I assume you're here to brief me on the results of the sync test, correct?"

She nodded as she stepped fully into the room and began walking toward his desk. "I am," she stated. Indeed, she was there for that and to perhaps pry more information out of him... or perhaps inform him of things he might now know. She'd see where the conversation took her.

"Very well," he responded, taking up that pose with his hands folded she knew so very well. "How did it go?"

Ritsuko halted a meter away from his desk and studied his expression. Even though he was concealing the lower half of his face, now that he wasn't wearing those orange sunglasses anymore she could see the boiling concern in his eyes. "The synchronization results were very good," she replied evenly. "He managed a first time sync score of over seventy percent."

"I see..." he returned, lowering his hands. His lips were curved downward in a pensive frown "That's good... but there's more, isn't there?"

The way he said that told her that he suspected something or that he knew something. That was her queue to press forward... "Indeed there is," she replied. "This test was done before the scientific team had a chance to reconfigure the core of Unit 02..."

Gendo's lips parted for just a moment and Ritsuko could have sworn that his eyebrows lifted ever so slightly. "I see..." he muttered, once again placing his hands in front of his face and hunching forward as if deep in thought. "That's how it is then..."

"What is?" Ritsuko instinctively inquired. What did he know? What was he keeping secret from her now?

He lifted his head slightly and his eyes bored into hers. "Considering the implications of that information, I can assume you have your suspicions regarding the Fifth Child..." he stated bluntly.

Ritsuko's stomach did a flip and she swallowed a rapidly growing lump that was forming in her throat. "I do have some suspicions..." she replied, unsure of what to say or how to say it even though she had the feeling that he knew exactly what she was thinking.

He closed his eyes and breathed a heavy sigh. "You can speak casually, I think we've reached that point with one another..." he returned quietly. "What do you suspect?"

In any other context that statement about being able to speak casually would have brought a huge smile to her face but in the context of the conversation at hand it passed over her like a gust of wind. Ritsuko drew a deep breath and steeled herself. Once she said what she needed to say there would be no going back... "I suspect that the Fifth Child is more than what he appears," she stated firmly.

"Indeed..." Gendo replied after a moment of pause. "He is most likely the final messenger..."

The almost nonchalant way that he said that ignited a fire in her chest. "Why?" she croaked, trying to hold back the wave of emotion building within her. He knew! He knew and he'd done nothing but sit on his hands!

"Why what?" he responded, regarding her with a detached expression.

"Why would you sit back and do nothing when you know this!" she hissed in reply. Sure, she knew that Nagisa didn't want to destroy humanity but there was no way that Gendo knew that! "Why would you sit in your office and do nothing about such a threat!"

Gendo stood from his desk and glared at stared at her with a steely expression. "What would you have me do in my position?" he countered, his voice mostly calm but holding an air of uncertainty. "The status of NERV hangs by a thread. Besides, the true battle we must face is against our fellow man..."

Ritsuko's whole body tensed at those words. "The true battle?" she choked out in shock.

"Yes..." he replied, sitting back down in his seat, the steely expression on his face melting into one of intense contemplation or worry. "The battle against SEELE will take place once the final Angel is gone..."

Ritsuko stood there observing him as the seconds ticked by, studying the expression on his face as he glared down at the ebony surface of his desk. Seeing him so contemplative and nervous was striking. This was not the Gendo she knew or expected. Seeing him so vulnerable reminded her of the other day when they'd... become involved. It made her want to reach out and embrace him... "Surely you have a strategy to overcome whatever they might throw your way?" she asked softly.

"I do..." he replied pensively, placing his head in his hand. "But it hinges on factors that are outside of my control..."

She stepped around his desk impulsively and reached out for him. She cupped his chin in her palm and turned his head so that he would face her. "What factors outside your control?" she asked, staring down at him eagerly. "You're the commander of NERV, what on earth could be outside of your control?"

Gendo scoffed and batted her hand away, turning away from her in his swivel chair. "Considering NERV exists at the beck and call of SEELE, many things..." he replied darkly.

Ritsuko hated seeing him like this. She liked him best when he was strong and resolute... yet seeing him like this drew her to him, like when she'd held him in his quarters. Still... she couldn't let that get in the way of what she was here for. She needed to know what he knew so she could find a way to proceed. "What's your plan then?" she asked, standing tall and glaring down at him. "You can't sit there and tell me you haven't been working on something. You're Commander Ikari, the man who always has a plan!"

Gendo turned around in his seat and looked up with her, his elbows braced on the armrests of his chair and folded across his chest. "I have an agent working to expose the plots of SEELE," he stated. "Other than that, all we can do is hope to repulse any offensive launched by the SDF under false pretense. This is why I asked you to reprogram the defensive infrastructure of Tokyo 3..."

The second part she knew, but the second part came as a pleasant surprise. She should have expected that Gendo would have a plan in motion. He always had a plan in motion... "You have an agent working to expose the truth?" she asked, eager to know the truth. "Who? How? For how long?"

Gendo breathed a heavy sigh but didn't turn around to face her. "The more people privy to a secret the less likely it will remain one," he muttered in reply, his voice stern and severe. "Fuyutsuki is the only other person who knows and I intend to keep it that way. I'm sure you can understand."

Ritsuko bit her lip and looked down at her feet. She supposed that he had a point, even if it was disappointing to hear. The fact that he'd told her as much as he had was something she should count herself lucky on. She just had to trust his judgment and hope for the best. "I understand..." she returned quietly. "Is there anything further that I can do to assist your plans?"

He finally turned his chair around to face her. His expression was dour and contemplative. "If I'm being honest, I'm unsure..." he returned. "At present, the best we can do is await what may come."

Ritsuko nodded, her frown deepening. "So it would seem..." she muttered bitterly. An awkward silence fell between the two of them that made each passing second feel like an eternity. With the talk of prescient matters out of the way her thoughts slid into things more personal. "I assume you don't want to talk about what happened between the two of us?" she murmured timidly.

Silence hung in the air for yet another few agonizing seconds before he responded. "It's still a lot to process..." he replied softly. "I trust you can understand that as well..."

She nodded and forced a smile, lifting her eyes to meet his yet again. It was an ambiguous statement just as the one he'd made the last time they'd spoken, a non-answer... "Okay..." she replied. "I'll accept that..."

Gendo's expression softened and his lips curved slightly upward. That smile of his was so charming when he wanted it to be... "Take care, Dr. Akagi," he returned. "We'll talk soon."

His words mirrored what she had left him with the last time they'd spoken. Somehow it made it easier to bear and allowed her forced smile to become genuine. "I'll hold you to that," she replied.

"I'd expect nothing less..." he returned.

With that, Ritsuko turned on her heel and left the room. As soon as she closed the door to Gendo's office behind her her grin fell away as her anxieties surrounding the future came roaring back. Soon everything would come to a head and there was nothing to do but play the waiting game. She hated that, but she had to accept it as hard as that was...

Gendo breathed a heavy sigh as soon as Dr. Akagi left his office. The conversation had been rather taxing. Considering the results of the synchronization test it was no surprise that she'd suspected something but he was unsure if expressing his thoughts on the matter was the right thing to do. He couldn't help but wonder if he'd done the right thing in keeping his knowledge of Kaji's survival and the assignment he'd given him a secret. Sure, it was an advantageous choice, but something about the continued deception left a bad taste in his mouth. After all, the web of lies and deceit had already cost him the relationship with his son...

Even more straining on his heart and mind was her questioning about where the two of them stood. He'd told her the truth that he still didn't know where they stood but deep down he knew that their relationship or whatever it was couldn't remain in limbo forever. Soon enough he'd have to confront the fallout of what the two of them had done in a moment of weakness and passion. He had to admit that there was chemistry there but he would always love Yui... and that just made it all the more difficult.

What would he do? What was the right path forward? Could he actually move on? He could see just how much she admired him and saw the good in him but was it just her naivety? If Ritsuko Akagi actually knew the real him would she still feel the way that she did? If he actually let her in fully and she accepted him could he really be happy? Did he deserve to be happy? If so, would Yui understand? Would Yui approve? If Yui had chosen to do what she did for the greater good then she must, right? If he did find a new happiness how could he reconcile that with his undying love for her? Was it possible to love two people at once? The answers to all those questions eluded him...

He breathed another heavy sigh and shook his head. "I'm driving myself crazy..." he muttered to himself.

It was the bitter truth. He was driving himself to distraction. As tempting as any of those questions were to answer, he had to find a way for NERV and humanity to survive the coming deluge... and yet all he could do was sit back and see what would happen. He was just as trapped as anyone else was in the current situation and hope that Kaji's quest would affect change. He hated that. As the supreme commander of NERV she should be capable of more...

He ran a hand through his hair and grimaced. He supposed that the only thing he could do was continue recording his thoughts as a memoir while he struggled to find a way to apologize and mend the broken relationship with his son. He sincerely hoped that Shinji could one day find it in his heart to forgive him or at least understand the horrible things he'd done. That seemed like a herculean task but if he could ever forgive himself he'd have to undertake it.

He reached into the drawer of his desk and retrieved the tape recorder he'd stowed away the moment Dr. Akagi had entered his office and hit record...

Asuka heard the doorbell and instantly scowled. She'd been somewhat enjoying her run of the house in the absence of Misato and Shinji. Going unseen from those two had been the one relief knowing that Kaworu was the new pilot of Eva Unit 02... and now that had been so cruelly interrupted by some asshole at the door. She stormed through the living room and into the kitchen, ready to deck whomever it was, her fist clenched at her side. No, she knew who it was. It was probably Kaworu. No one else would be ringing the doorbell at this time of day, but she didn't want to see him. She never wanted to see him. Just thinking about him pissed her off. She didn't want to be angry with him but her pride wouldn't allow it. It would never allow it... She moved through the hallway and triggered the mechanism to open the door, stepping into the frame with a ferocious glare. "Fuck off, get out of here!" she cried, raising her fist.

Instantly her rage died when she saw who stood in the doorway. It was Rei... "I'm sorry..." the blue haired girl responded, recoiling away from the door with a nervous expression. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you..."

Asuka dropped her fist to her side. This was not the encounter she expected at all... "Oh..." she murmured in shock and surprise, backing away from the door. "It's okay... I... I thought you were someone else..."

Rei bowed her head. "Were you expecting Nagisa?" she asked quietly.

Asuka clenched her teeth and looked at the ground. Was it really that obvious? For that matter, why did Rei care so much? The two of them had been distant for a while now... were they even really ever friends? "Why do you care who I was expecting?" she growled through gritted teeth. "What does it matter to you?"

Rei flinched and took a step back. "I... we're friends... so I wanted to see you..." she murmured softly. "I wanted to know if you were alright..."

Asuka tensed up at that statement. That comment expressing such naked concern stung. How could she turn her away even in the face of her injured pride? "I'm doing okay, all things considered..." she muttered in reply. "You can come in if you want..."

Rei nodded and took the few nervous steps forward to cross the threshold and enter the apartment. "You know about Nagisa, don't you?" she asked with a somber expression on her face.

Asuka bit her lip and looked downward. "What about Kaworu?" she spat in response. "What about him, huh?"

"You're upset that he's the new pilot of Unit 02..." Rei stated quietly.

Asuka clenched her fists at her side and glared at her one time friend. How dare she make such an accusation when she barely had any involvement in her social life in recent days... but she couldn't deny it. "I am..." she admitted. "Its hard to accept that him of all people is taking my place..."

Rei fidgeted with her skirt and looked down at the ground. "Asuka..." she murmured quietly, trailing off.

"What?" Asuka snapped. "What is it?"

Rei closed her eyes for a moment and drew a deep breath before looking her in the eye with a steely expression. "You and Nagisa-san are quite close, aren't you?" she asked.

Asuka bristled at that inquiry. "Why are you asking me that!?" she exclaimed, stepping backwards and retreating down the hallway as she did.

Rei folded her arms across her chest and turned her head away with a nervous expression. "We spoke before the sync test earlier today," she stated quietly. "He seemed rather concerned for you..."

Asuka's inner fire sputtered and the heat seemed to spread from her stomach to her cheeks. She turned away from the blue haired girl and folded her arms. "That's nice of him..." she grumbled. She didn't want to show just how much knowing he was concerned really meant to her.

There was a long pause before Rei spoke again. "I know he cares for you and I can see that you care for him... but I would suggest caution in dealing with him," she eventually stated, her voice barely above a whisper.

That statement irritated her for a multitude of reasons. First of all, what business was it of Rei's to make such statements? Second of all, she didn't like being put on the spot like this! What gave her the right to come to her home and make such accusations in the first place even if they were true? Asuka whipped around and glared at her friend, fists balled at her side. "I can deal with him any way that I want!" she spat. "You just stay out of it!"

Rei flinched. "I just... don't want to see you get hurt..." she murmured in response, looking down at the floor.

Asuka took a step forward and Rei took one back, her nervous expression intensifying. "And why would I get hurt, huh?" she snarled. "After all this time, you don't think I'm capable of taking care of myself!? Last I recall, I'm not the one who knows fucking nothing about men!"

Rei's eyes widened and her lips fell open as she took another step back. "I- I'm just l- looking out for you as your friend," she stammered in response.

Asuka pressed forward. "Why are you so concerned!?" she screamed. It was all pouring out of her now. "Why do you care about what I do or who I see or who I want to be with!? Why do you think you can help me? You can't! He's been more supportive of me than you ever have!"

Rei's brow furrowed and she regarded her with a genuinely hurt expression. "I- I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you..." she croaked in response. "I'm sorry..."

Asuka closed her eyes and steamed. Her whole body was shaking, overcome with a mixture of shame, sadness, and fury. "He was there for me when my scores started falling!" she spat. "He was there while you were pining for Shinji to come back! He was there for me every time I needed someone, unlike you! Even after he was picked to be a pilot he still called me and asked if I was okay! Don't you dare tell me to stay away from someone I lo-"

Instantly she froze and she bit that final word back and cast her gaze to the floor. She could barely believe that she'd actually been about to say it... but it was the truth. Rei coming here and cautioning her was enough to get her to finally accept it. It was one thing to have admitted it to herself and something far different to admit it aloud, that she loved him... "Just shut up, Rei..." she grumbled, hanging her head. "You don't know what you're talking about..."

Seconds passed before Rei broke the wall of painful silence that had risen between the two of them. "I- I'm sorry..." she murmured. "I j- just don't want you to get hurt..."

Asuka closed her eyes and drew a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She had to calm down before she said something truly impulsive. "You should leave..." she grumbled.

"Okay..." Rei replied, turning around and stepping out the door with her head held low. She paused on the other side, her back to her. "Take care of yourself, Asuka..."

Asuka reached up and placed her hand on the button that would shut the door. "I'm the only one who ever has..." she returned quietly before triggering the door to close, once again leaving her isolated from the wider world...

It was late in the evening by the time that Shinji decided to go home to the apartment he shared with Asuka and Misato. He'd spent a good number of hours simply sitting by the shores of the lake amid the ruins while trying to clear his head but it hadn't really worked. If anything, as the sun got lower in the sky and bathed the ruins in a deepening red shade, his worries had only gotten worse. The blood red sunset evoked bitter memories of how stained his hands were, how much guilt he carried, and how futile all his actions had been. It reminded him of the day he'd nearly killed Touji. It reminded him of the day he'd confronted his father. It reminded him of that horrible tank of clones Rei had shown him...

He paused as he reached the door of the apartment and bowed his head. Everything seemed so impossible to change. The connection he and his father had been building was irreparably damaged now that he knew the truth of things. He could still mend things with Rei, and he wanted to, but the short conversation they'd had earlier in the day displayed just how difficult that would be. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. He should have called her instead of going about and isolating himself. All he'd done by taking Kaworu's advice was run away, a tactical retreat from which he'd gained next to nothing but further anxiety. Oh well... there was nothing he could do but keep moving forward, whatever that meant...

Shinji stepped inside the apartment, kicked his shoes off, and moved into the living room where he found Asuka sitting at the kitchen table. She was sitting there with her arms folded atop the table and her head down, her hair disheveled like it hadn't been brushed in days. Seeing her like this so clearly upset made him sad. Even if their friendship had become rather strained he still considered her a friend. Heck... she and Misato were more than that. At one point they'd been something close to family. "Hey..." he greeted. "Are you okay, Asuka?"

She didn't look up or move in any meaningful way. "Leave me alone..." she muttered in response. "I have a lot on my mind, Shinji. Just leave me alone..."

That hurt. He moved closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Look, I know that you're upset about not being a pilot anymore but it's gonna be okay..." he tried to reassure her.

Asuka stood up and slapped his hand away. "I said leave me alone!" she snarled, glaring at him. "You don't understand! You can't understand!"

He took a step back and frowned. "Why do you think that?" he asked.

Asuka balled her fists at her side and bristled before turning away. "If you have to ask then you really won't get it..." she growled.

He bowed his head and he remembered what Nagisa had told him. "I can't help it if I'm concerned for you," he replied. "Nagisa-san is concerned for you too..."

Asuka stiffened up at his statement. "He said that?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Shinji could feel the tension in her voice, the apprehension and the hope. He felt dirty bringing it up now that he could see her like this. "Yeah," he replied. "He did..."

Asuka seemed to loosen up when he said that. "That's good to know..." she replied before exiting the kitchen without ever turning around.

Shinji stood there in the kitchen in silence. It was obvious that Nagisa and Asuka were rather close, not that he didn't believe Nagisa when they'd talked earlier in the day. However, something about that stung him. Perhaps Asuka had a point. Perhaps it was true that he couldn't understand that things she was going through hurt. Perhaps the gulf between the two of them had grown to a point where they could never really understand one another ever again...

He sat down in the chair that Asuka had vacated and stared up at the ceiling, eyeing the florescent light above his head in silence. Everything felt like it was falling apart, was that just in his head or was it real? He couldn't tell. All he knew is that the loneliness and isolation from the people closest to him felt overwhelming. He hated it. He hated feeling this way...

He wondered what Rei was doing right now. He wondered if she was feeling the same way he was. It was probable, all things considered. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and eyed it contemplatively. Should he call her? If he did then what should he say? What could he say? He breathed a heavy sigh. Why were things like this so difficult? Why was connecting with other people so damned hard?

It was then that his cell phone began to ring...

He picked it up without bothering to see who it was. "Hello?" he answered.

"Hey, Shinji, it's me," came Misato's voice over the line. "I'm gonna be home late, okay? Sorry but things are keeping me."

He grimaced at that. He couldn't remember the last time the three of them had actually sat together for a meal or spent any real time with one another. It hurt. It would be yet another night alone with his thoughts... "Alright..." he replied. "Don't work too hard, okay?"

There was a slight pause. "I'll try not to," she replied. "See ya soon, Shinji. Bye."

"Bye..." he returned quietly.

The call ended and silence filled the room. Shinji slumped forward and eyed the phone in his hand. He supposed that now would probably be a good time to give Rei a call. No good would come from him sitting alone and stewing in his thoughts. He'd done enough of that in recent days. It was time to actually begin taking strides forward, whatever that meant.

He dialed her number and placed the phone to his ear...

Rei lay on her side atop her bed, staring out into the single empty room that her apartment consisted of as the dying light of the dusk cast everything in a pale bluish glow. She'd been laying there deep in thought for hours ever since she got back from paying Asuka a visit, her mind swirling in thoughts and fears. She felt lost, a bitterly familiar feeling for her as of late. Moreover, she was upset with herself for how that conversation had gone.

Seeing Asuka in the state she was in and how upset even mentioning Nagisa had made her... she just hadn't been able to muster the strength to tell her the truth about him. She felt guilty for that and at the same time she felt guilty for even trying to tell her at all. It wasn't her place to tell her, it was Nagisa's, but with time running short and the desperate nature of the situation at hand Asuka needed to know and she wasn't sure Nagisa would tell her. She hated feeling so conflicted and she hated seeing one of her closest friends pulling away from her. Every day she felt more and more alone...

Suddenly her cell phone began to ring causing her to flinch in surprise. Reflexively she grabbed it off of the bedside table and placed it to her ear. All things considered, she wouldn't he surprised if it was Ritsuko calling her with some new and unpleasant information. "Hello?" she spoke into the receiver.

"Hey, Rei..." Shinji's voice sounded in her ear with a slight nervous stammer. "H- how are you?"

Her heart skipped a beat and her breath caught in her throat. It was quite unexpected to hear from him at this hour. It made her nervous in a different kind of way than how she already felt and yet it was welcome at the same time. She longed for things to be like they once were between them. She hoped so desperately that some day they could be more than what they'd ever been... "I- I'm okay," she replied with a slight stammer. "How are you?"

"Alright..." he replied. "I'm alright... just calling to see how you are..."

She felt her cheeks growing warm and she pulled the covers of her bed tight around her body. Even after everything that concern he showed her never failed to make her heart race... and yet she still felt apprehensive about telling him her feelings. The fear that he'd run away from her again once he knew the full truth, both about Nagisa's nature, and about the timeline she'd lived through before... it made saying those things seem impossible. "That's very kind of you..." she murmured in reply.

Silence hung in the air as the seconds ticked by. "I, uh... how was your day?" he asked nervously. "After the test I mean..."

The memory of Asuka's pained and furious expression flashed through her mind and her smile died away. "It was okay..." she lied. "How was yours?"

"It was okay..." he replied. "I had an... interesting talk with Nagisa-san after the test, but other than that it was just a normal day."

Rei's breath caught in her throat. He'd spoken to Nagisa? What about? "You spoke with Nagisa?" she asked softly, hoping he would elaborate.

"Yeah, I did," he replied with a sigh.

Rei swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "What about?" she pressed.

"Not much," he replied quietly. "He, uh... he mentioned he was concerned about Asuka, not much else really."

Rei bit her lip as those words rang in her ear. Those words made the guilt she felt about coming so close to exposing Nagisa even worse. If he was willing to speak to Shinji about such things then he really was genuine in his care for Asuka and his desire to change his fate... "I see..." she murmured softly. "I can assume that was... awkward."

Shinji let out a small chuckle. "Yeah..." he returned quietly. "It was a little strange..."

Rei breathed deeply and tucked her chin into her chest. "It certainly sounds like it..." she whispered in reply.

There was a long pause before Shinji spoke again. "Hey... are we... okay?" he asked.

Rei's stomach did a flip and her heart was racing faster than ever. "I would like us to be..." she murmured in response.

She could hear him breathing a heavy sigh on the other end of the line once more. "Rei, I..." he uttered but trailed off.

Rei waited with bated breath for him to continue. "What?" she urged quietly. What did he want to say to her? Why was her whole body trembling? Was he going to say... those special three words that she'd fantasized about hearing?

"I... uh... never mind..." he replied somberly. "Goodnight..."

Rei closed her eyes and frowned. Why did everything have to be so ambiguous? Why did he have to be so distant with her? It made her feel so alone... "Goodnight..." she replied softly.

Seconds passed and then the line went dead. Rei rolled over on her stomach and pulled her pillow tight against her face, feeling more alone than ever. It was as if she could feel the web of lies closing in around her. That suffocating feeling simply would not abate...

Shinji set his cell phone atop the kitchen table before slumping forward, resting his elbows atop that surface and placing his head in his palms. That hadn't gone nearly as well as he'd hoped it would. He breathed a heavy sigh. Talking to her was far more difficult than he wanted it to be. There were so many things that he'd wanted to ask her or say to her that he just couldn't bring himself to do so once he'd finally had her on the line...

Speaking with her at all reminded him of how close they'd once been and brought to the forefront of his mind just how distant the two of them were now. Even if she'd told him that they were fine, deep down he couldn't help but feel guilty. The distance between them was his fault, or at least partially his fault. Even if she said they were okay he didn't feel that way and wouldn't feel alright about it until he made it up to her. That was why he couldn't tell her the things he wanted to tell her, why he couldn't confess that in spite of everything she'd shown him that he still loved her. It was also why in spite of wanting to, he couldn't press her about what it was that she still hadn't told him when he'd followed her into the depths of NERV. Even now, after everything, he was still a coward...

"I'll talk with her again soon..." he murmured to himself. "When I do, I'll find the strength..."

If only he could believe his own words...

Asuka had barely been able to sleep, the thoughts running through her head made it impossible. The talk she'd had with Rei kept playing over and over in her mind late into the night before sleep had finally taken her. The fact that Rei had the nerve to caution her about being close to Kaworu when she knew nothing of just how deep their connection went pissed her off. What right did her one time friend have to do such a thing? Where would she get off on such a thing? It was infuriating...

Then of course had come the small exchange with Shinji when he'd gotten home, how he'd mentioned that Kaworu was concerned about her. Hearing that had made her heart race. It gave her hope that perhaps he felt about her the same way that she felt about him. It made it that much more difficult to be upset with him over his selection to be Unit 02's pilot. At the same time, it infuriated her to have heard it from Shinji of all people. She found it flattering that Kaworu would reach out to other people that knew her to voice his concern for her but not the invincible idiot. She didn't need Shinji pitying her any more than he already did. His pity disgusted her. He could never understand what it was like to lose everything. No one could understand, not Shinji, not Misato, not Rei... no one. The only person who did understand and actually reached out to her was Kaworu... and she'd pushed him away.

She heaved a heavy sigh and sat up in her bed, shaking her head and digging her fingers into her scalp with a groan. She had to make it right. She had to reach out to him and tell him how she felt and how ashamed of herself she was for being a bitch to him... but swallowing one's pride is never an easy thing to do.

"What should I do?" she murmured to herself. "If I tell him will it make things any better?"

If she told him, if she confessed her feelings for him, then she risked ultimate rejection. If he pushed her away, if he didn't accept her feelings then what would be left for her? Nothing... nothing at all. If that happened then she might as well just give up on living. There was nothing else for her, no future, not happiness, just a whole life to be reminded of her failures of fucking worthless she was...

She breathed another shaky sigh. "Is this why you don't want to tell that idiot, Rei?" she muttered to herself.

And yet... she had to reach out to him. The thought was too tempting. The memory of the warmth he gave her when they'd lain in bet together was too strong. The warmth his presence and his care filled her with her was too strong to hold back her heart much longer. She could accept that she'd lost her spot as a pilot, she could accept that he'd taken her place... but she couldn't accept losing him.

"I have to tell him..." she whispered with a grimace. "I need to tell him the truth..."

She grabbed her cellphone off of her bedside table and held it in her hand. Her thumb hovered over the keypad. Her hands began to shake. She was hesitating. Once she did this there would be no going back... and that terrified her as much as any of the Angel battles had if not more so.

She let the phone fall to her lap, closed her eyes, and scowled. She was being rash. How stupid would it be if she confessed to him over the phone? No... she had to tell him in person. Besides, it was too early to call him anyway...

She flopped back on her bed and covered her eyes with her forearm. "This fucking sucks..." she whispered aloud.

Agent Tetsuo Fujita stepped through the front doors of the building that housed Japan's Ministry of Defense, his eyes darting everywhere as he entered the lobby after swiping the forged keycard. Instantly he took note of how many armed security guards there were and where they were stationed. This was the easy part of the hair brained gambit that Kaji had thought up, the reconnaissance. Part of him still was kicking himself that he'd allowed that scruffy bastard to convince him this was the best course of action but he was here now and so he had to stomach it...

He cracked a smile as he made his way to the nearest elevator. Who was he kidding... he was just as culpable in this stupid plan as the ghost was. If it hadn't been for his connection with Hinazuki none of this shit would be happening at all...

The elevator deposited him on the fifth floor of the building and instantly he began checking the lines of egress and possible places of cover like the good spy he was. At the end of the hall was another card reader terminal and a set of closed doors, more security too. The doors at the entrance were one thing but this level was the real test. If things went SNAFU here then his and Kaji's plan was dead in the water. He walked up to the door and swiped the card...

A bell tone played from the speakers above and the light on the reader turned green. He breathed a sigh of relief. Success. Hinazuki's work had paid off. They'd be able to get to where they needed to when the time came. Now for step two...

The security in the hall he stepped into were considerably armed. The majority of them had H&K MP5 sub-machine guns slung under their arms. This could pose a problem when the time came, but that wasn't his worry at the moment. His main worry was counting up the amount of people in the security detail and ascertaining ingress. That was all that mattered. So far he'd counted twenty two security troops between the entrance and here. It was certainly a sizable force to overcome.

Suddenly he felt a thump against his chest and he staggered on his feet. He grit his teeth at that. He'd just bumped into someone. That was what he got for not looking where he was walking and being more attentive to his surroundings than what was right the hell in front of him. He looked ahead and down and instantly cringed. He'd just walked headlong into some poor woman carrying a stack of papers which were now littered all over the carpet.

"I'm terribly sorry," he stated with a amiable grin as he bent down to help the woman pick up the documents she was transporting. "I wasn't looking where I was going.

The woman knelt down in front of him and began doing the same. Fujita couldn't help but notice how pretty she was with her long black hair tied up in a bun, a pair of thin framed glasses balanced on her nose. "It's okay," the woman responded with a grin. "I wasn't paying attention either."

Fujita scanned every inch of her figure with his eyes. She was definitely a looker. If he wasn't here on a mission he'd definitely ask her if she wanted to meet for drinks when she was off shift... but he was, in fact, here on a mission. He couldn't let his cock do the talking, as tempting as it was. "No, no, it's my fault," he returned with a grin as he handed her the stack of papers he'd gathered up as he rose to his feet. "I'm sorry to have interrupted an important errand, if that's what you're on."

"It's okay," the woman replied with a smile as she stood up. "These memos from Minister Katsumoto aren't urgent. He wouldn't trust a klutz like me with anything important."

That statement scratched an itch, the very itch the mission he was here for intended to scratch. "You work directly under Minister Katsumoto?" he inquired with a wide grin, one that he fought so very hard to prevent from becoming a smirk.

The woman nodded and smiled back. "I do," she replied. "I'm a secretary attached to his office. My name's Sayuri Okazaki, and you are?"

She was too cute! Damn... why couldn't he be here to get a date instead of trying to save the world? "Fujita, Tetsuo Fujita, Defense Intelligence Headquarters," he replied with a slight bow, his smile shifting into a smirk.

Okazaki bowed slightly in response. Fujita could swear he could see a slight pink tint on her cheeks... "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Fujita-san, but I must be going," she returned. "Take care."

She started to step past him but he wasn't about to let this golden opportunity go to waste. "Would you be able to tell me where Minister Katsumoto's office is?" he inquired with a grin.

"Oh, it's just down the hall and around the corner," Okazaki replied, pointing in the direction he'd been heading. "Do you have business with the minister?"

Fujita nodded, retaining his grin. "I do," he replied. "I'm on a special assignment. Classified. I'm sure you understand."

Okazaki nodded once again, the redness in her cheeks darkening. "I do," she returned warmly.

She started to walk away again and as she did, Fujita's baser impulses won out. "Hey..." he called after her.

Okazaki turned around and faced him once again. "Yes?" she questioned, looking a little puzzled.

Fujita did his best to grin like James Bond. "I'd like to make up for our rude introduction. Would you let me take you out to dinner some time?" he asked.

Okazaki's cheeks went beet red. "I... I would like that," she replied with an awkward, sheepish smile.

Fujita nodded and winked at her. "Alright," he returned. "Catch you around, Okazaki-san."

"See you around, Fujita-san..." she replied before turning on her heel and hurrying down the hallway.

Fujita watched her go with a grin before turning around and continuing down the hall. He breathed a sigh and snickered to himself. "There goes Bangkok..." he muttered under his breath as he continued on his way.

Soon enough he found himself in front of his objective, the office of the Minister of Defense, one Hideo Katsumoto. It was an unassuming mahogany door amid a hallway full of them, but there were two very large and burly security guards with sub-machine guns standing guard there with rather ominous expressions. He forced a smile and gave a playful salute to them. "Top of the morning to you," he greeted. "Is the minister in?"

"The minister isn't seeing anyone at present," one of the the guards snapped in response. The other simply stood in place, glaring at him.

Fujita nodded and stepped backwards with a slight bow. "Sorry to have bothered. I'll come back later," he stated before turning around to leave. Even if he hadn't gotten access to the office he'd gotten what he needed, an ingress route, and now he could leave...

"Halt..." the second guard growled. "Stay where you are..."

Fujita grimaced. If he hung around answering some blockhead's questions then there was increased chance of them figuring out he wasn't supposed to be there. At the same time, if he just bolted, then that would cause even more problems... "Is something the matter?" he asked, turning around and faking a smile.

The guard glared at him. "I haven't seen you around before," he stated grimly, stepping forward toward him. "Who are you and why are you on this level?"

Fujita put up his hands and grinned widely. "Oh, sorry, forgive me for not introducing myself. "I'm Fujita, Tetsuo Fujita, Defense Intelligence Headquarters," he replied, holding up the forged badge that Hinazuki had given him. "You can check my credentials if you'd like."

The meathead guard grabbed the badge that still hung around his neck and yoked him forward. Fujita grit his teeth but retained his grin. If they'd been at some bar instead of where they were he would have decked the son of a bitch and stomped his fucking face in for that... "Well, looks legit," the guard stated. "Still, can't take too many chances. Things are on pretty high alert considering the situation with NERV. Never know if a traitor is in our midst these days."

Fujita grinned wider. If only these morons had a clue. Then again, if they were actually intelligent in any capacity, they probably wouldn't be working security. "Understandable," he replied, standing tall and smoothing his suit jacket out. "Now that we've determined I'm supposed to be here, can you tell me when I might be able to gain access to the minister's office?"

The second guard, the one who'd grabbed his badge, glared at him. "What for?" he inquired, his eyes narrowing. "What would the Minister of Defense want to do with some field agent like you?"

Fujita really wanted to just fucking punch him... "Oh, I'm not here for him," he replied, retaining his playful grin even though his blood was boiling and his heart was beating a million miles a second. "I'm here for Okazaki-san."

"Okazaki?" the first guard inquired, looking puzzled. "You're here for her?"

Fujita nodded. "Indeed I am," he replied, doing his best to retain his grin. "I was going to take her out on a date after her shift. I was just dropping by to remind her."

The second guard scoffed. "Well, there goes your chance," he said, turning to the first guard with a smirk. "Clearly Okazaki's taste in men is questionable isn't it?"

"Hey, don't rub it in..." the first guard responded sheepishly.

It took every ounce of self control Fujita had not to pull out his piece and shoot the burly bastard dead... "Do you have any further business with me?" he asked. "And is Okazaki in for that matter?"

"No, we don't," the second guard replied. "And no, She's not. She went off in the direction you came from about five minutes ago. You must have missed her."

Fujita offered a polite bow. "Thank you," he returned. "I'll be on my way then."

He turned on his heel and hastily strode back in the direction he'd come from breathing a heavy sigh of relief. He was out of of dodge. Now all that was left was relaying the information he'd found out to Kaji and finalizing their plan, ultimately enacting it once they'd properly prepared. Then again, that was far more stressful than doing the base reconnaissance...

"Hopefully I can still get that date when this shit is all over..." he grumbled to himself.

Kaji sat on the bed of the hotel room, his eyes locked on the alarm clock on the bedside table. Fujita had been gone for more than and hour by this point. He should have been back by now or at least have called in and let him know what was going on... and the more time passed the more nervous he got.

He played out in his mind his options should Fujita fail to return. If he didn't then he could assume one of two things, that he'd either been captured or uncovered or he'd decided it was in his best interest to cease pursuing their objective. In either case, that left him with few options. Sure, he could simply run and take that trip to Bangkok that Fujita had jokingly inferred once he'd shown him the truth, but he couldn't live with himself if he did that. No... he had to infiltrate and execute the mission whatever the cost. If he died he died... he was already a ghost so what was really there to lose?

He scowled and shook his head, reaching into his shirt's breast pocket and pulling out his pack of cigarettes, popping one into his mouth and lighting it. One way or another, he'd have to do what they'd planned. If he didn't then the whole world would be doomed. Even if he got to see Misato again in whatever world was created from Third Impact he couldn't live with himself if he didn't try to preserve the imperfect one they currently lived in...

Suddenly, the lock on the door to the hotel room unlatched and instantly Kaji drew his pistol, leveling it squarely at the door. He wasn't about to take any chances at present, even if egress wouldn't be easy if he had to shoot his way out of here... "Stop right there..." he growled, lining up the sights.

The door swayed open and Fujita stepped into the room with his hands up. "Put it away, you jumpy bastard!" he hissed as he closed the door. "Fuck... as if I haven't had a rough enough morning..."

Kaji set his pistol down beside him and breathed a sigh. "So you're back," he replied tersely. "Have you ascertained an ingress?"

"Yeah, I have," Fujita huffed in response. "We'll have to deal with quite a bit of security, but it's certainly doable. When do you think we can enact this hair brained scheme of yours?"

"As soon as the last Angel is destroyed," Kaji replied with a frown. "Not a moment sooner..."

Fujita sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Seriously, why though?" he grumbled. "Why not act now? These assholes have seen my face, which will make things more difficult when the time comes. Why not act now?"

Kaji's frown deepened as he lit the cigarette between his lips and stared down at the carpet of the hotel room. "Because NERV and the Evas are the only thing that can destroy the Angels," he replied. "If we act before the Angels are gone then the Third Impact can still happen."

"And it might still happen anyway, if we waste our time fucking around because of this SEELE organization," Fujita countered.

Kaji took a long drag off his cigarette and let it out. "Yes, that's true," he replied grimly. "But we have a not zero chance of averting it whereas if we act now the odds are certain..."

Fujita sighed and sat down at the foot of the bed. "Well... at least I scored a date before the end of the world..." he grumbled.

Kaji snickered. "Good for you," he muttered. "Now is this a real date or one you paid for?"

Fujita glanced at him with a smirk. "Fuck you, Kaji," he replied before breaking into a cynical laugh.

Kaji couldn't help but join him, laughing at the grim reality of their situation...

Ritsuko sat at her desk, a cigarette smoldering in her ashtray beside her keyboard as she skimmed through the finalized report of the previous day's sync test Maya had compiled for her from the Magi's readings. Ultimately she knew it was pointless to examine the data in full but it was something to do to kill time. After all, at present, the only thing left was to play the waiting game...

Upon reading through the Magi's analysis of the full test spectrum including harmonics readings she had now doubt it wouldn't be long before the Fifth Child's true nature was widely known or at least suspected. The fact that his harmonics had been all over the place but his sync ratio had remained more or less completely stable would infer that he was more or less able to set his ratio at will. It was something that would certainly raise questions once the information got out, and eventually it would get out. She had no doubt about that.

"Senpai?" a voice called from the door to her office.

She turned around and picked up her cigarette, taking a short puff. "What is it, Maya?" she asked.

Maya looked down at the clipboard in her hands with a nervous expression. "Are you looking over the data from yesterday?" she asked.

"I was," Ritsuko replied. "I'm guessing you're puzzled with the final results too, yes?"

Maya nodded and her lips curved down into a frown. "It shouldn't be possible..." she murmured. "It's like he can set his sync ratio anywhere he wants. It seems too good to be true..."

And it was too good to be true, but there was no way that she could tell her why that was the case... Ritsuko breathed a heavy sigh, took one last drag from her smoke, and snubbed it out. "All we can do is test that hypothesis," she responded as calmly as she could. "See too it that the core is reset and schedule another sync test for tomorrow."

Maya nodded. "Yes, senpai..." she replied before exiting the office.

Ritsuko slumped deep into her chair and looked up at the ceiling. "It seems everything is going to come to a head soon..." she murmured to herself. Hopefully when that time came, whatever plan Gendo had in motion would come to fruition...

It was early in the evening. The sun was low in the sky. After hearing from Dr. Akagi that another sync test would be performed in following morning, Kaworu had spent the majority of the day walking the desolate streets of the once thriving city of Tokyo 3. Presently he stood atop a destroyed stone statue of a winged figure overlooking the crater lake which had formed from Unit 00's detonation. In the back of his mind he noted the irony of the place he'd chosen to appreciate the sunset and the beauty of nature from, the fact that he stood atop a shattered visage of what in the popular human consciousness consisted an Angel when he was what he was. In reality, Angels weren't the benevolent creatures the Lilin purported them to be, rather they were bringers of death and destruction, just like he'd been made to be...

The frown on his lips deepened and he bowed his head, looking down at the placid waters that stretched out into the distance. With how much he'd grown to know and understand about humanity he thoroughly despised his own existence. If only he could have been born human then things would have been so much simpler. Instead he was caught in a place where he didn't belong, stranded somewhere between human and god, unable to fully reap the fruits of being either. He was a flawed being not meant for the world in which he lived... and yet he wanted to keep living in spite of this. Was that what human beings called the will, the desire to persevere and live? Deep down he knew that he couldn't answer that question, at least not until he'd defied the will of those who'd manufactured his existence in his current form...

His cell phone began to ring and he answered it without bothering to check the number. "Hello?" he spoke.

"Tabris..." the voice of Keel Lorenz spoke in his ear. "Are you alone?"

Instantly his breath caught in his throat at the sound of his original name. "I am," he replied. "What matter requires my attention?"

"The promised day," Keel stated flatly. "You must fulfill your destiny before it's too late..."

Kaworu bit his lip. Of course he would call to remind him of his purpose, the entire reason for his being... "I understand..." he replied quietly. "However, I must ask, what prompts you to remind me of this? Is there a reason to stress the time of my completion?"

"Ikari cannot be trusted," Keel stated. "Soon enough he will defy our will and use his position to attain the power of God. We cannot allow this to happen."

Kaworu couldn't help but smirk, biting back a rueful laugh. "Humans cannot hope to rise to the level of becoming gods," he returned softly. "After all, the human soul is imperfect."

"You speak on this as if you yourself can understand the pain that comes with being human," Keel retorted. "You, who are so far removed from that pain, cannot possibly know it, let alone understand the ambitions of a man like Ikari."

Kaworu scowled. Something about the way Keel said that lit a fire in his soul. He couldn't let that slide. For the first time in his existence he couldn't passively allow that insult to pass through him without retort. "In my time here in this city, I think I've seen enough of humanity to understand," he returned bitterly.

"Oh?" Keel responded. "Tell me, how would a superior creature such as you understand the pain being a mere human entails?"

Kaworu gnashed his teeth, the fury in his heart burning bright. "Because I've borne witness to it," he hissed in response. "I've lived long enough as a human being to know... and there's nothing superior about my existence. By what right does one have to claim superiority over another?"

Keel laughed in his ear. "Perhaps you have a point," he returned. "However, you carry the hopes and dreams of a humanity seeking completion."

He knew that whatever he said in protestation would be met with derision and contempt. Still, if he didn't protest now then he never would. "Completion?" Kaworu scoffed in response. "You mean unification under your own will..."

"Perhaps the two are one and the same," Keel returned. "In any case, you will carry out the will of SEELE tomorrow."

Kaworu grit his teeth. So that was what this call was really about. They'd finally gotten down to the brutal truth of it. How convenient it was that they would order such a thing when he'd already be at NERV for a sync test. Then again, they probably knew that... He let the order that Keel gave him sink in. If there was any time that he could reveal his intentions it was now... "And if I refuse?" he inquired bitterly.

"Then you shall know true suffering," Keel replied darkly.

Kaworu smirked at that response. Perhaps this was the one time he ever relished in his power his genetics bestowed upon him. "True suffering?" he spat in response. "What suffering can you offer me that I haven't known by living as a human being?"

"The pain of loss..." Keel responded ominously. "Starting with the life of the Second Child for whom you've grown to care for so much..."

Those words froze his blood. Somehow, some way, they'd discovered his entanglement with Asuka. He closed his eyes and grimaced. Of course they would find out... they probably had agents watching his every move the entire time he'd been in Tokyo 3. He'd been careless in his actions and this was the price he was paying for it. "What are you talking about?" he countered feebly, his hand starting to shake, barely able to keep the phone to his ear.

"You've grown to care much for the Second Child," Keel responded evenly. "Should you fail in your task then she, followed by all the others whom you've grown to hold dear, will perish at SEELE's hand. You will be broken and scarred until you beg for the peace that only death can grant you."

Kaworu let those words sink in. To what depraved depths could the human heart dive? To think that they would kill Asuka for his defiance just to break him... it was too much to bear. If there was anything he wouldn't stand for it was that. He wouldn't let them hurt her even if it meant his life. He... he loved her too much to let that happen... "What is stopping me from revealing myself?" he spat in defiance. "What prevents me from returning to Germany to smite you?"

Keel laughed. "Should you do so, the whole of the world's eyes will be upon you," he retorted. "Should you do so, it will only be a matter of time before NERV destroys you... and by that time we will have already seen to the destruction of your friends..."

Kaworu closed his eyes. Keel was right... even if he used his immense power to fly back to Germany to destroy SEELE Keel would make good on his promise long before that. He had no choice but to surrender and carry out their will. He bowed his head as tears filled his eyes. "Very well..." he murmured softly. "I'll do as you wish..."

"Indeed you shall..." Keel responded darkly. "For it is your fate..."

Kaworu grimaced. Indeed, it was his fate, one way or another to know the suffering of humanity, and to die for the continued existence of such a poor and miserable condition. Even if he was doomed to die he wouldn't bring about SEELE's will. No... he would go just as he had in the other world if that was the only option left to him. He would die by the hands of men and hope that some way they could overcome the evil that they themselves had wrought upon the earth... "I accept this fate..." he murmured softly.

The call went silent and Kaworu hung his head as tears began leaking from his eyes. He dropped the phone to his side. Never before had he felt such pain. He'd grown very much to enjoy the world as it was, to live like a member of the Lilin... and yet his time to do so was ending. It filled him with sorrow to think on such things. It filled him with pain to think that he'd be ending his life filled with regrets, not least of which being the fact that he would have to leave Asuka behind...

He grimaced at the thought. She would no doubt be pained by his passing when the time came. It would have been better if he'd never gotten to know her, better if he'd remained distant from everyone. It would have been easier if he'd forgone bonds for friendship with the people around him and forsaken the allure of human love... but he hadn't done that. Instead he'd given in and he'd fallen for Asuka Soryu in spite of what the experience with Shinji Ikari had warned him of. It disgusted him. It pained him to that any effort he could have taken to avert his fate ultimately would have been futile. Most of all, he despised his own cursed, inhuman existence...

He glanced back toward the shore with a somber expression. With his superhuman senses he could feel the eyes of someone observing him. No wonder he hadn't been able to find a way out of his predicament. With the constant observation of NERV and SEELE on him at all times there was never any escape... "What should I do?" he murmured, as if asking the universe for an answer. "Why is this my fate?"

Only silence answered him...

He closed his eyes and bit his lip, fighting back the tears as his mind drifted to the one person who could have any hope of understanding his plight. Ayanami... if there was anyone who could understand the things he was feeling right now it would be Ayanami. At the very least he should tell her of what he'd been ordered to do. She was just as invested as he was if not more so in defying the machinations of SEELE after all...

With that thought in mind, he stepped off of the statue he perched atop and leaped back to shore, beginning the long trek to her apartment...

The day at NERV had been uneventful for Misato, just another boring day of sifting through paperwork and the myriad of insurance claims of former residents of Tokyo 3 seeking a settlement over their homes being destroyed in the last Angel battle. Now that such things were in the rear view mirror she could focus on far more important things, like observing the Fifth Child...

She'd staked out the apartment the pale boy lived in the previous night and it seemed completely ordinary. Still, considering the vagueness of his personnel file, and the fact that his stated birth date was the same day as Second Impact, she wasn't willing to sit back and let things play out. Considering the amount of secrets that NERV had kept from her it was worth it to pursue any and all leads. Even if her suspicion that the Fifth Child wasn't just some kid proved fruitless it was worth investigation.

She'd kept her distance but she'd spent a good amount of her day up until the evening shadowing him. Presently she stood beside her car with a set of binoculars in hand, observing him as he stood atop a fractured statue overlooking the crater lake formed by Unit 00's detonation. He'd been standing there for at least half and hour. The only change in his stance had been taking a phone call...

"What is he doing there?" she murmured to herself as she stared at him through the pair of binoculars she was using. "It seems pretty strange to choose a place like this to just stand around and take a phone call..."

She watched as his head pivoted around and his eyes locked with hers, his lips curving down in a deep frown. Instantly she gasped in disbelief, dropping the ocular device to her chest, her heart pounding. "He noticed me?" she gasped.

Had he really seen her or was she just imagining things? No... no, he was at least a kilometer away! It was impossible for him to see her... right?

She lifted the binoculars back to her eyes and stared out once again at the place where the Fifth Child had been and he was gone...

Misato took the binoculars away from her eyes and frowned. She supposed he'd evaded her for now. Soon enough though she'd figure out what was up with him. Soon enough she'd figure everything out, even if it cost her everything...

Rei jolted at the sound of her door being knocked upon and snapped to her feet. It was late in the evening, the sun had already disappeared behind the hills. Who on earth could be coming to see her at this hour after she'd already changed into her night clothes? "Who's there?" she called out.

"Ayanami, it's me..." a soft voice called from beyond her door.

She recognized the voice. "Nagisa?" she called out, grabbing the hem of her shirt defensively. "Is that you?"

There was a slight pause. "It is..." he responded. "Can you... can you let me in?"

He sounded distraught but why would he be coming to her in such a state? She approached her door cautiously and undid the lock. She pulled the door open and there he was, standing at the threshold with his head bowed. He was trembling. Why was he trembling? For that matter, why did she care that he was trembling? "Are you alright?" she asked, her lips curving downward, her voice filling with concern.

He lifted his gaze to meet hers, his eyes red and swollen. She watched as his lips began to quiver as he stepped inside her apartment. "I... I can't defy them..." he murmured as tears began to steam down his cheeks. "I can't defy the will of SEELE..."

Rei's eyes went wide and her lips parted, her breath catching in her throat. "Wh- what?" she stammered in surprise. What was he talking about? Why was he saying this now, coming to her at this late hour?

He exhaled shakily and winced, closing his eyes as his body shuddered. "If I don't fulfill their wishes tomorrow they'll kill Soryu-san..." he croaked. "I can't fight them..."

At those words it was like any hope she had for the future shattered. She felt a wave of cold wash over her. If he couldn't fight back against them then what would happen? What did he mean that they would kill Asuka? "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice coming out as a hushed whisper.

"SEELE ordered me to fulfill my purpose tomorrow..." he whimpered, bowing his head. "If I don't then they'll kill Soryu, and Shinji-kun, and you... I can't defy them..."

Rei bit her lip, her heart beginning to race. The way he said that touched a part of her that she didn't even realize was sympathetic to his cause. It made her think about just how hopeless her own situation was. "No..." she croaked. "No, there must be a way. There must be a way you can do something about their plans. Nagisa-san, there must be another way..."

He shook his head. "No..." he murmured, regarding her with a somber smile. "No, Ayanami-san, I'm afraid there isn't. I must carry out SEELE's plan..."

Rei bit her lip. "If you do then Shinji will kill you just like before..." she murmured. "If you do then Asuka will be devastated. You can't..."

He met her gaze once again, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I know!" he exclaimed before bowing his head once again. "I know... but I have to do this. I... I can't live with myself if I defy them and it causes Soryu's death..."

Rei let those words sink in. Her chest tightened up and her eyes began to sting. This was really what things had come to. She hated it... and yet she understood exactly where he was coming from. If she had to choose between herself and Shinji's well being she knew full well what she would choose. "I... I understand..." she croaked in response, bowing her head. "But you need to tell Asuka the truth..."

"I can't..." he replied, his voice shaky. "I can't face her..."

In spite of her better instincts, Rei reached out to him and clasped his hand in hers. Seeing him like this she couldn't help but sympathize with his plight. "It's okay..." she murmured in an attempt to soothe him. "She'll be okay... we'll all be okay..."

Nagisa trembled and stepped forward, resting his head on her shoulder, weeping like a small child. "I'm sorry..." he whimpered in response. "I'm sorry I couldn't change anything..."

Rei closed her eyes, her own tears spilling from her eyes. She stepped forward and embraced him. She understood his pain, the fear of rejection, the fear of being open with someone else, and the fear of oblivion as well... "You have to face her..." she murmured. "If you really care for her you will..."

"I... I love her..." he whimpered, the shaking in his body intensifying.

Rei bit her lip and rubbed his back, doing her best to console him. She knew this feeling well, the feeling of happiness turning to despair. With those words she couldn't hold animosity toward him any longer. He was more than what he'd been created to be. He was just like her... "Then you must tell her... before the end..." she stated softly.

He shuddered and wrapped his arms around her. "I will..." he whimpered. "I promise, I will..."

Rei didn't know how long it was that she stood there letting him weep while holding onto her. She didn't care. By the time he'd collected himself enough to leave her apartment all she could think about was how screwed up things were. Tomorrow everything would come undone and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Nagisa was going to reveal himself as the final Angel and everything was about to be worse for it. Most likely Shinji would have to kill him and Asuka would be destroyed no matter what happened... and she'd been powerless to do anything to avert that outcome.

As soon as he'd composed himself enough to leave her quarters she collapsed against her door, her breathing rushed, her heart pounding in her chest, hyperventilating. In just a matter of hours everything would be turned on it's end and there was nothing she could do to stop it...

What would Shinji think of her when everything was said and done? How would Asuka fare once Nagisa fulfilled his purpose? Was there any way that she herself could change things this late in the game when everything had gone so close to how it had before? She couldn't answer those questions and that painful, bitter truth brought her to tears...

"Please... let things be alright..." she whimpered aloud to the dim room surrounding her.

Nothing answered her pleas, only silence...

Darkness had fallen over Tokyo 3 and Asuka lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. All throughout the day she hadn't managed to muster the courage to give Kaworu a call even though she desperately wanted to. Instead all she'd done was lay in bed and stew in her thoughts and inner turmoil. No one had disturbed her or come to check on her save for Shinji knocking on her door and letting her know that dinner was ready. She hadn't even found the strength to get up and eat it. That was just how nervous and low she felt. Besides, she didn't want to face anyone else. The only person she wanted to see was Kaworu and she she was too afraid to call him.

Just as she was about to get up and change into her sleepwear her phone began to ring. She lifted the thing up to read the number on the tiny screen and her heart leaped to her throat. It was was Kaworu calling her. "Hey," she answered, placing the phone to her ear. "What's up?"

He said nothing for a few seconds which caused her to frown. Had he dialed her accidentally or something? She was about to hang up when she heard him take a deep breath and then he spoke... "There's a sync test scheduled for tomorrow morning..." he stated, his voice coming out hushed and somber. "I'll be at NERV for a while afterward... It would be nice to see you..."

Her lips curved upward. Something about the way he said that last sentence made her feel warm all over. It was nice that he wanted to see her even after she'd acted like such a bitch to him when they'd talked last. It made her feel... wanted. "Yeah... it would be nice to see you too," she replied, swallowing the lump in her throat and her pride along with it. "I'm... I'm sorry I was a bitch to you the last time we talked."

"It's okay..." he replied, his voice even quieter than before. "I understand my appointment was hard on you."

She bit her lip. There was so much she wanted to say to him now that she finally had a chance to say them. "Look, Kaworu, I-" she hesitated, the words held back by fear. It would be better if she said them in person. "There's... there's a lot of things I need to tell you..."

"There's a lot of things I need to tell you too..." he replied.

Her heart skipped a beat. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Was it possible that he... shared her feelings? "I guess we have a lot to talk about tomorrow, huh?" she returned warmly.

"Yeah... tomorrow..." he replied.

There was a long pause and Asuka allowed herself to just soak in the warm feeling she was enjoying. "Goodnight, Kaworu," she eventually replied. "See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Soryu-san..." he replied before ending the call.

Asuka fell back on her bed and stared up at the ceiling, her smile fading slightly as the nervousness began to creep back in. Tomorrow she would tell him how she felt. Tomorrow she would truly open herself up to another person that she cared about and face whatever would come of that. Even so, a part of her was excited. The way he'd said that there were things he needed to tell her filled her with hope. If he had the same kind of feelings for her that she had for him then maybe everything would be alright. Maybe for once she could actually be happy and content...

Sleep didn't come easy. Late into the night all she could think of was Kaworu's face, Kaworu's smile, Kaworu's lips, Kaworu's touch...

Author's notes

So it begins... the final plunge toward the abyss...

One thing that is of note is that the title of this chapter was actually rather difficult to settle on. Originally I thought of titling it based on the large amount of distant phone conversations that take place within it but ultimately decided an allusion to an earlier chapter's title was much more fitting. After all, Kaworu's plight takes center stage above everything else in this update.

I must admit, composing this update was rather taxing on me. The subject matter that the story is delving into is getting rather heavy and depressing... but that is the way of Evangelion. At this point though, I can confidently say that the climax is right around the corner. All the pieces are in place, the board is set, and soon it will all come to a head.

As for highlight moments of the chapter, Fujita's first POV sequence was quite enjoyable to put together. Him trying his best to play the cavalier and suave secret agent he fancies himself to be was perhaps one of the only moments of levity this chapter brought to the table. It also offers precious clues as to what he and Kaji have cooked up in the time since their sceme involving Shikishima fizzled out. As for the plots involving the kids, the slow deterioration of all four of their mental states, particularly Rei and Asuka's, should be grimly apparent.

Please read and review. As always, I'm so very grateful to everyone who's made it this far.

Regards,

A.F.