Grissom woke to a sound he hadn't heard in weeks and it was hard to handle each time he did. Like every time before, he left the bed and headed to the bathroom. His mother's house put the bathroom in the hall instead of attached to the room they were in. He hadn't designed the house because if he had, the bathroom would be attached to the guest bedroom. The door was cracked, likely because Sara didn't want to wake everyone. His mother wouldn't hear so he didn't understand why she tried to close the door in the first place.
Sara knelt by the tub vomiting into the toilet, looking like she always did when it happened. Sitting on the tub, he used his hands to comb her hair back and grasped her hand, letting her hold onto him as another round left her body. In reaction to the nightmares, her body wouldn't cease until nothing remained in her stomach. It was rough on her every time she had a nightmare but they came so few and far between that they counted each night a success. He lost count of how many times he'd sat with her in the early days of them being together. It could be multiple times a week or once every few months.
A knock on the door made Grissom look up to see his mother in the doorway. Just as Sara's body heaved more into the toilet. He pulled his hand from her hair and signed to his mother without speaking aloud. Not now Mom, Sara doesn't want this part of her life broadcast. I'll talk to you in the morning.
I can help if she's sick.
It's the PTSD. I know the light probably woke you and I'm sorry. I'll talk to you in the morning.
She nodded and closed the bathroom door. Grissom realized Sara leaned against him, meaning the episode was over. Slipping to the floor, he held her as she laid against him, exhausted. Using one arm to hold her, he used his free hand to comb back her hair. "I'm here my darling. I'm here." He kissed her temple.
It took ten minutes but eventually Sara pulled away from him and a single glance told him she wanted to go back to bed. Using the tub, he stood and pulled her up by both her hands, walking her to the bedroom. Only once she was lying in bed with Hank beside her as was par the course, did he clean up the bathroom and go to make her tea. He returned with it after five minutes and Sara sat up, accepting the tea. It was routine between them now and while he hated that it was a routine, it was one he was glad Sara let him take part in.
"You should tell her." Sara finally spoke as he sat facing her. "I can't do it but you should tell her. She won't understand why I am the way I am without knowing."
"Do you want me to tell her, is my question?"
Sara shook her head. "I have to stop running from this. I hid it for years and now the lab knows. No one thinks of me like they thought of me in school. I thought if I hid it, I'd be okay. No one would hate me or think me crazy." Taking a sip of tea, she held the cup in her lap like always. "I'm working on the trauma slowly but running from it isn't helping me. One day I'm going to have to explain to a child why their mom is always throwing up. If I can't explain it to adults, how do I explain it to child?"
"I just don't want people knowing until you're ready for them to know. Not even my mother."
"Do you think she'd hate me?"
"Hate you, no. Not understand, yes. The lab understands you because they deal with that stuff every day, they know you never had any part in your father's murder. I don't know if my mother will understand that you stood by and did nothing as you watched it happen."
Sara glanced up at him. "I screamed for her to stop. She didn't and I never understood why. My father beat me, created injury after injury, and that didn't include the emotional abuse. I should have been happy he was dead but I don't remember feeling that. I just kept asking her why she did it, why she killed him. She never said but then again, she didn't have to."
"He was your father. There were good memories among the bad ones and you probably hung onto those at the time. Now you look back as an adult and realize it was an idealize part of childhood, the idea that despite bad things, we cling to the good."
After a few minutes, Sara finally spoke again. "Show her the article. It keeps the horrible details under wraps but explains a lot of the PTSD."
Grissom held out his hand and she handed him the cup, she only ever drank a few sips before it was taken back to the kitchen. He returned after a few minutes and climbed into bed, as soon as he was back under the covers, Hank moved to the bottom of the bed. Even the dog was used to the routine as Grissom pulled Sara to himself and held her tightly. "You're safe Sara, you're safe with me."
"I know I am." She whispered back to him. "Your arms are where I feel safest."
The sun was poking through the windows of the kitchen as Grissom sat drinking coffee. Sara was sleeping with Hank beside her, her hand in his very short fur. Looking down at the article he'd printed out, Grissom read through the whole thing repetitively. He knew the details not mentioned. He knew of the twelve year old who watched a cop vomit and held the hand of the unnamed social worker. He even knew Sara had watched it happen, a fact she'd let slip one night after an episode. She hadn't told him that at the beginning, too scared of what he'd say if he knew.
He watched his mother enter the kitchen and she made her way over only after making coffee herself. She sat down beside him and started signing. Is Sara okay?
"Sara's fine." He signed back, "the episodes only last so long." Looking down at the paper, he turned it around before signing again. "Sara said to show you this, so you know why she suffers episodes."
Betty picked up the paper and read the article from the summer of 1984. It told of the murder of a San Francisco man, Patrick Sidle, by his wife, Laura Sidle. Stabbed multiple times with a sharp knife in his sleep while his twelve year old daughter, Sara Sidle, was in the room. The wife was tried and found not guilty by reason of insanity. She was sent to unknown psychiatric location and the child taken into state custody. The fact there had been physical abuse to wife and daughter was also released in the article.
Grissom always hated the fact that so much was said in article but he knew back then, a lot more was played fast and loose with information wise. Sara had already endured enough but then the article was written after the trial and read by so many. It was why she had trouble in school, parents and kids knew too much. He was just glad she had years of CSI under her belt and was in Vegas with him when it was brought up in court for the first time. He watched his mother put the article down and start signing.
Sara endured too much, so young.
"I know Mom, but I ask not to bring it up with her unless she brings it up." He signed softly up until the last few words. "Showing you an article so you understand isn't the same as you being invited to talk about it."
Is she going to be alright today?
Grissom nodded. "Once she wakes up, it will be like the episode didn't happen. Hank is with her." He signed to his mother before stopping and starting again. "I love her Mom and sometimes watching her go through this breaks my heart. She's so much more than her history."
His mother put her hand on top of his and patted it gently before signing. You love her and loving someone is enduring the good and the bad.
"I know. Sometimes I find myself shocked that she let me love her after all I put her through. Seeing her held hostage was hard for me to watch but I did. I even prayed that if she died, she'd die knowing I was with her. Knowing I loved her. It was two minutes but those two minutes seemed as if a nanosecond and an eternity wrapped in one." He had tears in his eyes as he continued signing. "I wouldn't have survived if she'd died that night. I'd have lost the only person I've ever loved and it would have been my fault for leaving her alone thinking she was safe."
Betty immediately gathered her son into her arms and held him as he cried. It took a few minutes for him to calm and after, his mother wiped the tears from his eyes. Once she was in her seat again, she started signing to him. You would have survived because after the shock and pain lessened, you'd know she'd want you to go on. Smiles and laughter would be lost but you'd live for her. Part of love is knowing you've lost them but knowing they wouldn't want you to join them so soon.
"Is that how you felt when Dad died?" He asked her gently.
Yes. The single word was so finite and telling. Grissom knew his mother suffered after his father's death and there was some depression.
After an hour more of talking, Grissom started making breakfast while his mother read a book at the table. The sound of nails on hard wood alerted Grissom to Sara being awake. She entered the kitchen in jeans and a burgundy short-sleeve shirt. Her hair was in a ponytail, she had her red leather and jade necklace and bare feet. She immediately went to him and he pulled her into a short hug, kissing her head.
"How'd you sleep after you settled?" He rubbed her lower back.
"Okay."
Grissom nodded, "tea or coffee this morning?"
"Coffee."
Reaching up to brush back a strand of hair that fell out of her ponytail. "Go relax, I'll make you coffee."
Sara turned and reached for the bag of food on the top of the fridge. It had Hank's food and after measuring a cup, she turned and picked up Hank's bowl from where it sat on the floor by the island. Hank immediately walked over and looked up at Sara, tail wagging. "Sit." Hank sat and Sara put the food down, a finger up in the air. "Hold." Hank stayed sitting till Sara released him. "Release." He started eating and Sara brushed his back before sitting at the table.
Betty smiled at her and started signing. Are you feeling better this morning?
"Back to normal." Sara signed to her, "no sense in dwelling."
Good. She signed to Sara as Grissom walked over with a cup of coffee. I'd like your help with my car. Gilbert says you know cars as well as a mechanic and I don't want to pay a high price.
Sara smiled and she picked up her coffee to take a sip before putting it back down. "I'll look at your car but we're going to need some car blocks to raise the car." She told Betty as she signed.
Midway through the day, Sara was refilling oil and coolant in Betty's car after fixing her alignment issue. She'd sent Grissom to buy new tires for his mother's car and he'd returned with the correct ones, but only because she'd given him the correct model. When he offered to help her, she'd sent him inside to leave her to her thing. A closing car door made her turn to see a blonde woman likely around Grissom's age and a man just a bit older. She smiled and waved when they looked her way before going back to the car.
Finished with the car, Sara closed the hood and headed back inside the house. She found the two strangers in the living room with Betty and Grissom, who stood against the wall instead of being relaxed. Betty and Grissom looked her away so she signed to them. "All done."
Betty smiled at her. Thank you, Sara.
"I'm going to go get cleaned up." She stated and headed towards the hall that lead to the bedrooms.
Ten minutes later she headed to the kitchen to make herself tea when she looked up to see the woman that was a guest. She was getting a glass of water and looked down when Hank sniffed her. She looked straight at Sara and signed. Your dog?
"Yes." Sara stated while signing. "I'm sorry if he frightened you." Looking down at Hank, she snapped and gave a command. "Hank, heel." The dog immediately turned around and sat beside her leg. Once he was beside her, she continued signing. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier, I'm Sara. I'm Gil's fiancée." She held out her hand and the blonde shook it.
The woman's brow furrowed before she began signing. I didn't know Gil was dating any more. Betty said he was a bachelor now.
Sara smiled gently before continuing. "We've been together just over a year." She proceeded to ask who the woman was. "Who are you?"
Julia, I work with Betty.
Sara nodded and signed. "Julia Holden, you and Gil used to date."
He's spoken about me?
"We have no secrets." Sara smiled tightly while signing.
"Hey." Sara turned to see Grissom walking over. "Thank you for working on the car."
Sara's smile increased and she noticed that even though Julia was present, he didn't sign. It meant she wasn't included in the conversation. "It's no problem. You know how much I like working on cars, in cars and under cars. That's when I'm not on roofs."
"Danger thy name is Sara." He chuckled softly and rubbed her back.
Sara turned and motioned to Julia while signing. "Julia and I were just meeting each other. Hank startled her."
Grissom joined the conversation. "I'm sorry about Hank."
Your mother has never wanted animals, said they didn't belong in the house. I tried to get her a dog but she was resistant. I was a little surprised that you brought your dog.
"Hank is my dog." Sara stated firmly while signing. "He helps when I have PTSD episodes. He's not just our pet." Grissom's attention went to her for a few seconds, glancing at her face when she spoke.
Seeming to understand, the woman started to sign. How did you meet?
"Forensic Academy Conference in 1998." Grissom was the one who signed since he had the broader vocabular. "Sara attended my seminar. We stayed pen-pals until 2000 when I brought her to Vegas for a case and then she never left."
Sara's smile was genuine as she heard him speak. "We started dating once we were no longer in a direct chain of command but we were in love long before that." She signed as she spoke but some of the words had to be finger spelled. "Years before that." Her signs continued but she looked to Grissom.
"We work together." Grissom added as Sara stopped signing.
Betty joined them and started signing. Sara and Gilbert are joining us for the charity dinner tomorrow night. I managed to persuade them to come so it'll be a fun night. She waved to get Sara's attention. Sara this is Robert Tyler, he runs the charity events for our university.
Sara held out her hand and the man shook it. "Pleasure to meet you." She signed as she spoke.
Betty motioned to Sara before she began signing. Sara is Gilbert's fiancée. They work together in Las Vegas at the crime lab. Sara is very skilled at multiple things beyond the lab. She has a Bachelor of Science in Physics and a Masters in Forensics. She is a mechanic, as well as a photographer. She even likes working with insects like Gilbert.
Sara blushed as the facts about her started building. Robert smiled before signing in response to what Betty said. You are very accomplished. May I ask how old you are?
"Thirty-five next month." She told him as she signed. "I graduated high school and Harvard early. After that it was Berkeley, the San Francisco Coroner, and the San Francisco Crime Lab before moving to Las Vegas."
Robert smiled at Sara and started signing again. Gil seemed to find someone that can keep up with him intellectually. Betty was just saying last year that there wasn't anyone who could.
"Sara has been keeping up with me for years." Grissom told them while signing. "We just started dating over a year ago but before that, she's the only one at the lab could handle my thought processes."
Let me know what you think of this chapter. It was interesting to write.