THE EXTENDED SCHNEIDERVERSE PART 1: Drake and Josh season 5
This is an expansion of the tv storylines created by Dan Schneider. The characters' stories will be added to in ways that wouldn't be allowed on Teen Nick, but are still in character. The reader is strongly encouraged to read the dialogue in the characters' voices
Episode 1: Drake Helps Josh
[The screen square intro]
"I usually do well in school. I get better grades than Drake does," said Josh
"Yeah, a lot better," said Drake
"But lately, I've been behind in my physics class. Maybe it's because whenever I hit the ground, it seems to be with less force than Newton says, or maybe its because I can't picture cows that are spherical. SPHERICAL!" said Josh.
"Heh, he said the line," said Drake. "But now I think that I have been too mean to Josh in the past. I think that I had better start making it up to him."
"Uh oh, he's gonna help me," said Josh.
[Screen square intro ends]
Megan was pacing around the house with a wild look in her eye.
"Where should I put my trap? I don't know where they'll be walking to next," the sadistic child muttered.
All of a sudden, she stepped on a part of the floor and got stuck hanging upside down from a rope around her leg. Drake and Josh came running to that spot because they heard her screaming.
"Let me down from here!" she cried.
"Aww, did someone fall into a trap she forgot she set?" mocked Drake.
"Come on, you boobs, let me down from here."
"Why should I let you down, little girl? All you've done is torment us, and you should finally get some payback!" said Josh.
Megan smiled wickedly and said "If you don't let me down, I'll tell Mom and Walter that you guys raped me."
"WHAT!?" shouted the two boys.
[Intro song]
Well, I never thought it would be so simple, but I found a way, I found a way
If you open up your mind (see what's inside)
Gonna take some time to realign
Over your shoulder, you know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up when your down
So just turn around
Woo!
"Josh, what are we going to do?" asked Drake frantically.
"We've got to let her down from there. She has an EVIL bargaining chip against us and I don't like it," said Josh.
The two boys left the room while upside down Megan pacticed fake crying.
[Arrow transition]
Drake and Josh came back with a large branch cutter.
"You've decided you don't want to go to jail?" asked their sister.
"Okay, Drake," said the taller boy. Cut the rope with the shears..."
Drake sliced the rope in half and Megan fell to the floor, hit her head, screamed, and went silent.
"...after I grab hold of her," finished Josh, louder than he had started.
"Do you think she's okay?" asked Drake in a panic.
"Is her chest moving?" asked Josh.
"I have bad news," said Drake as Josh made a very worried face. "She's alright."
Josh's face went back to normal.
"She's unconscious!" cried Josh. "We've gotta get her back to her room so Mom and Dad won't be suspicious."
The boys put Megan back on her bed in her room, making sure to leave her hair brushed and her clothes not ruffled.
[Arrow transition]
"So, your grade in physics is going to improve because I'm doing a little favor for you," said Drake.
"Oh no, what is it?" asked Josh.
"You'll find out," said Drake as Walter's car pulled into the driveway.
Walter came into the house.
"Well, it's just been another good day reporting the weather, and now I'm home... Why do you look so worried, boys?"
Drake and Josh were looking worried.
"Nothing... It's just..." said Drake.
"We were worried about the weather," said Josh.
"Alright," said his father.
"If Megan accuses us of anything, we didn't do it," said Drake.
"Okay, that's awfully suspicious," said Walter, but didn't press the matter any further.
[Arrow transition]
Drake and Josh left for school much earlier than unusual the next day to not be there when Megan woke up.
"So, what grade are we in again?" asked Drake.
"How stupid a question is that?" said Josh. "We're obviously in grade... wait, how long have we been going to high school?"
"I don't know. How long did it take you to lose all that weight?"
"'Lose all that weight?'" repeated Josh. "But I was never overweight. Next thing you'll be saying is that Megan's hit puberty since we moved in together!"
"How long ago did we move in together?" asked Drake.
"Oh, it was.. uh..." stuttered Josh. "I don't know and I don't know why I don't know. Let's just stay here for two hours until school opens without you bugging me."
"Alright already," said Drake.
[Arrow transition]
The bell that ends first period English rang.
"Hey, Josh, I have a question," asked Drake. "Why do we have all our classes together, and why are Craig, Eric, and Mindy in those classes too?"
"How am I supposed to know?" replied Josh. "Except you don't have physics with me in fifth period. That's where you said you would help me."
"Doesn't it feel like you've never had a physics class until just now?"
"No... no... yes," said Josh. "Listen, don't bug me for the rest of our thirty minute hallway talking time."
"So, how are you going to help me?" asked Josh a bit later. "You don't know anything about physics."
"That's for me to know and you to find out," replied his step brother.
Drake left for his fifth period as Josh went to his.
How is he going to help me? thought Josh. He doesn't know anything about physics. Maybe I should teach him physics so he doesn't sabatage me.
As Josh sat down in his seat, his physics teacher looked at him.
"Josh," she said smiling. "I met your stepbrother yesterday."
Josh winced.
[Arrow transition]
The two boys got back home. Josh put his physics book on the table.
"Ah, you're back," said Audrey. "Megan hit her head last night."
"Listen," said Drake. "We didn't do it. If Megan says we did something to her, we didn't do it."
"Yeah. She is making it up," said Josh.
"Really?" asked Audrey. "Because she told me you two took good care of her and tried to minimize the damage."
The stepbrothers looked very exasperated. Later on, Josh went up to his and Drake's room. Drake was valiantly failing to play some Van Halen on his guitar.
"Could you quiet down? What are you even playing?" asked Josh.
"It's Hot for Teacher by Van Halen," replied the skinnier brother.
"Who's Van Halen?" asked Josh.
"Dude, how do you not know who Van Halen is? They're only one of the best rock bands in the world, idiot."
"Forgive me for not knowing every rock band in Earth."
"Come on, Josh," said Drake. "Surely you can appreciate Eddie's -ow!"
He was trying to play a solo, but he hurt his hand.
"I haven't come here to talk about bands," said Josh. "I came here to teach you physics."
"Why do you want to teach me physics? I don't wanna be lame."
"I'm teaching you physics so you won't mess me up with your 'help'," said Josh.
"Relax, that's not gonna happen," said Drake.
[Arrow transition]
"I know that E = mick two, you don't have to keep telling me," said Drake, still in his room.
"MC SQUARED!" said Josh.
"Whatever Einstein said. And you can't go faster than light because Einstein said you can't."
"That's the reason we know you can't," said Josh.
"Though what if you went really fast before Einstein wrote that? Could you break light speed then?"
"Shut up, Drake!" cried his brother.
"Though I think I understand string theory," said Drake.
"What? How?" shouted Josh. "I can't understand it."
"That was a guitar joke. There's an actual thing called string theory?" asked Drake.
"I want to stick my head in a particle accelerator."
"Let's have our stupid little lesson be over. It's getting late and I have a date tonight," said Drake. "See you later, sucker. That D will be an A in no time."
"At least I know I'm not the worst physicist in the world," said Josh after his brother left the room.
[Arrow transition]
Josh sat down in his room, wondering what Drake was up to.
"I know he's being nicer to me lately, but this seems too much. There's got to be something in it for him. But what is he doing?" said Josh to himself out loud.
"Hey, Josh, I want to ask you a question," said a voice.
Josh jumped up and screamed. The voice belonged to Megan.
"Do you know what materials can be used to burn down a large building?" she said.
"WHAT?" shouted Josh.
"You heard me," said his stepsister.
"I think you could use gaso-... pure water and asbestos," said Josh.
"Come on, I know water doesn't burn," said Megan. "You're gonna make me fail my school project."
"Good, I don't want you knowing how to light a fire."
"Well, I may flunk school and be poor, and be reduced to having to dance in fast food restaurants in hope that some talent agent films me and I can work for some tv network that treats its staff badly."
"What?" asked Josh again.
"You heard me," said the wicked stepsister.
"Fine. Materials that burn really fast are glass and concrete."
[Arrow transition]
The two boys got up from their beds in the new day. Drake had lipstick on the side of his face.
"Hey, Josh," he said rubbing his eyes.
"What is it?" asked Josh who was more awake.
"Not only am I helping you, but I also get something out of it."
He held up a copy of Metallica's self-titled album.
"I got the black album," Drake said.
"You got that because you helped me?" asked Josh.
"Yes, it's sad but true," answered his brother.
"But I thought you liked having it," said Josh.
"Yeah, I do. 'Sad But True' is the name of a song."
"Well, how was I supposed to know?" said his brother.
"You could listen to this awesome album," said Drake, exasperatedly.
"WELL, SILLY ME!" shouted Josh.
[Arrow transition]
Josh and Drake were walking to school.
"It took so much convincing to get you to turn the album off and go to school," said Josh.
Drake didn't respond. He was jumping up and down, singing the bassline to Enter Sandman. He then started running through the street air guitaring.
"Would you quiet down and get to school?" Josh shouted.
Drake didn't care.
"Yeah ee yeah aeh! Exit, light!" shouted Drake, running through the street.
He didn't see in front of him and he went careening right into a police officer.
"Hey," shouted the officer. "What the heck do you think you're doing? You almost knocked me over, you punk!"
"Sorry," said Drake. "I just got a copy of Metallica's black album, and I was running..."
"Say no more," said the officer. "I understand your reaction because I love that album. It's the only thing I like that is black."
"Really?" asked Drake.
"Yeah. Where did you get it?"
"My girlfriend gave it to me so that I would keep quiet," Drake said.
"Why would she want you to be quiet?"
"Oh, so no one finds out about us," said Drake. "She's the physics teacher at the high school I go to, and she says it should be a secret..."
"Woah, hold on!" shouted the cop. "How old are you?"
"I think I'm probably sixteen," said Drake Parker.
[Arrow transition]
The stepbrothers were standing in front of the school.
"Wow, lucky Josh. You get fifth period off," said Drake.
"Drake..." said his brother. "Drake... DRAKE!"
That's my name. Don't wear it out," said the "cooler" stepbrother.
"You were dating my teacher..."
"I know," said Drake. "Pretty cool plan, huh? You get a higher grade, and I get a new girlfriend."
"Drake... Mrs. Sanchez is getting fired," said Josh.
"Really? Why?"
"Because you dated her. She might get arrested too."
"Huh?" asked Drake.
"Drake, you don't want your girlfriends to get arrested, so you're only supposed to date teenagers. TEENAGERS! Do you understand that!?" exclaimed Josh.
"Huh, I did not know that. Oops. I'll do better next time."
"Oh, you'd better," said Josh.
"Are you mad at me?" asked his brother.
"YES!" shouted Josh, punching Drake.
The credits scene consists of the boys fighting each other in the schoolyard.