Episode 8: School of Glock

[Screen square intro]

"I try to live my life as cool as possible," Drake said.

"Once, I accidentally broke some llamas out of the zoo," said Josh.

"I'm gonna be a star any day now, because my song went number 1," Drake said.

"I didn't do it on purpose. I was wanting to see the elephants," said Josh.

"I don't think anything's going to stop me from seeing fame and fortune," Drake said.

"I was running excitedly, and I smashed into the gate and the hinge fell off. All the llamas ran out."

"There's gonna be an album coming out soon, and I bet it's gonna be huge."

"And then I found out it wasn't the real San Diego Zoo. It was just some guy's large animal collection. He tricked me and scammed my father," said Josh.

"The whole point of what I'm telling you..." said Drake.

"The whole point of my story..." said Josh.

"...Is that I'm awesome."

"...Is that I have a really weird life."

"Nothing's gonna stand in my way," said Drake.

[Screen square intro ends]

The two boys were in Mrs. Hayfer's classroom.

"Is it just me, or have we been going to this school for a long time?" asked Josh.

"I have no idea how long it's been," Drake said.

Craig and Eric walked into the room.

"I'm sure it would be called 'Eric and Craig'," Eric said.

"No, it would be 'Craig and Eric'," Craig responded.

"What are you nerds talking about?" Drake asked.

"If there was a TV show about us, what it would be called," Craig responded.

"Like there'd be a TV show about anyone here," said Mindy, snarkily.

"Oh, you'd be surprised," said Josh. "Drew and Jerry is starting to blow up and it was two kids from San Diego."

Drake finally noticed Mindy.

"Hey, Evil Witch Woman," Drake said.

"Hello, Moronic Nincompoop," Mindy replied.

Josh looked exasperated. Mrs. Hayfer walked into the room.

"Hello, class," she said. "Good to see you, except Drake."

Mindy chuckled while Drake scoweled.

"So, class, I hope you've all turned in your assignments on Wuthering Heights. You were supposed to write about which part of it stuck out to you most."

The class groaned.

"Sharon, you said your favorite part was when Kate hit the really high notes. Neither of the characters called Catherine sing in the story."

"What are you talking about?" asked a girl in the background.

"Drake Parker, as usual you didn't do the assignment properly. You wrote about when the heights wuthered."

There were some laughs from the class.

"Well, yeah. That was the most interesting part of the book."

Mrs. Hayfer rolled her eyes.

"Mrs. Hayfer, did you hear about the time capsule that will be dug up soon?" asked Eric.

"Eric, this is English class," Mrs. Hayfer said. "We're not talking about that now."

Craig turned to the girl called Sharon and said "You have good taste in music."

[Arrow transition]

Walter and Audrey were standing in the living room, talking.

"I'm just saying, the rate of foot-related funny misfortune has really climbed," Walter said.

"I don't believe there's anything to it. It's just coincidence," his wife replied.

"Last week, I got my foot stuck in a goat and those voices we hear laughed harder than ever," Walter countered.

"'Stuck in a goat'?" Audrey repeated.

Josh entered the room.

"Ah, Josh," said his father. "I think it's good you don't get into trouble as much as your stepbrother. Maybe it's my genes coming out."

"Hey, I heard that," Drake said as he walked into the room.

Walter looked embarassed.

"And you're not even wearing jeans," Drake said.

"So, have any of you heard about this time capsule thing. It's supposed to be unearthed today," said Audrey, trying to change the subject.

"I thought time machines were made up," said Drake.

"Time CAPSULE, Drake," Josh said.

"So, what's the deal with this time capsule thing?" Drake asked.

"Well," said Walter. "Between 1934 and 1937, Lucky Bubsy Gangstorini buried some of his favorite things in a time capsule to be opened seventy years later."

"Oh, yeah, Lucky Bubsy," said Audrey. "I don't know how he made so much money selling mattresses."

"They are pretty cool mattresses," said Walter as Drake rolled his eyes.

"Too bad the coordinates for the time capsule lead to somewhere in the San Diego Zoo," said Audrey.

"In the zoo?" asked Josh. "Remember when I got tricked into going to the fake zoo?"

"Don't remind me," said Walter.

The boys left the room.

"To be fair, that goat was made out of wood," Walter said to his wife.

[Arrow transition]

We see the Premier. The movies on the sign are "Elephant's Foot", "Puppet Yourself", "Marble Comics", and "Dan Schneider is God".

Josh was behind the counter at the Premier. Drake walked up to him.

"Hey, Josh. Do you know what I'm thinking?" he asked.

"Do you think I'm telepathic?" Josh responded.

"Whatever. I'm thinking about that time capsule. I bet there's something awesome inside."

"Mom said we couldn't dig for it because it's somewhere in the zoo," Josh said.

"Yeah, but Mom also said God will judge me for my sins. Anyway, that stupid mattress guy buried it somewhere in the zoo but wouldn't tell us where?"

"I will not have people ripping up the zoo to find some guy's junk," Josh said.

"Hee hee. Some guy's junk," Drake responded.

Josh rolled his eyes. Suddenly, there was a blasting noise. Crazy Steve had dischargd a cap gun in the cinema.

"I'VE GOT ONE IMPORTANT THING TO ASK!" he shouted. "IF IT"S ILLEGAL TO FADOODLE A MINOR, HOW CAN WEST VIRGINIANS BREED?!"

Helen appeared onscreen and guided Crazy Steve out of the building.

"Get back to work, Josh," she said as she left, patting Steve on the shoulder.

The boys resumed their conversation.

"Well, too bad for you, because tomorrow there's going to be a whole lot of people digging all over the zoo."

"WHAT?" Josh shouted.

"I said 'Well, too bad for you because...'"

"Yeah, I know! I don't want people ripping up the habitat for these cool animals," Josh said.

"Well, boo hoo, David Ackerfurlough, because that's what's gonna happen."

"Well, at least you won't be going. Because that's against Mom's orders."

"Oh, really?" Drake said, mischievously.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was on a new set. He was on a road next to a field of grass.

"Well, good," he said. "There don't seem to be people here with shovels. That's good."

Just then, Drake walked up, holding a shovel.

"Hey, man," he said casually.

"'Sup," Josh said before doing a double take.

"What's with the flinch, dude?" Drake asked.

"What are you doing here?" his stepbrother asked.

"I've come to look for the time capsule. I see you've decided to look too."

"No, I haven't. I was here to try to stop people from digging here, but you're the first person to show up. Where are the others?"

"They're going up to the big zoo out by Escondido. They got the wrong one," Drake answered.

"Aw, Geez," said Josh.

"This is a big place; I wonder where it could be," Drake said, looking around.

"You're not gonna dig here, are you?" Josh asked.

"Right, because I borrowed my girlfriend's car to get here just to look at the ground," Drake snarked.

"Well, you can't go tearing up the zoo. It's so big, and the staff would stop you."

"I'm not gonna tear up the whole zoo, just until I find the capsule," said Drake.

He started digging as Josh rolled his eyes. His shovel made a thud noise.

"Woah," Drake said, digging around that spot.

Josh looked surprised too. Drake pulled a large box out of the ground. The box was labeled "Property Of Lucky Bubsy".

"WOAH!" Josh shouted.

"Wow," Drake breathed. "What are the odds I'd find it on my first try?"

"One in a large number," said Josh, unhelpfully.

"There's gotta be a lot of money in here," Drake said excitedly, as he opened the case.

There wasn't.

"WOAH!" Josh shouted again, upon seeing the contents.

Drake pulled out two machine guns.

"Woah, now I can be an action hero. Cool," Drake said.

Josh looked mortified.

[Arrow transition]

The two boys were in their room. Josh was talking to Drake.

"You cannot be serious. You've gotta take the guns to the police station or something," Josh said.

"Dude, I don't want to approach the police with guns."

"Well, you can't keep them. What if you shoot someone, or Megan gets her hands on them?" Josh said.

"Relax, there's no bullets. I just have them to look cool."

"Why would some guy just bury two empty guns in the San Diego Zoo?" Josh asked.

"Why would someone go to a movie theater to buy an orangutan and eat it?" Drake countered.

"We have weird lives," Josh agreed.

"They still have the powder in them... the powder that makes the bang bang... what is it called?"

"You mean 'gunpowder'?" Josh asked.

"Yeah, I always forget what it's called," Drake said.

Josh rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. Megan came in holding a laptop. She sat down on the couch and opened it up.

"Hey, Megan, what are you doing?" asked Drake.

"Nothing," said his sister.

"Okay," said Drake. "Mom said we need to talk to each other more because we've 'grown distant', but we're still living together."

"Oh, geez," Megan said, rolling her eyes. "So, is there anything we both enjoy?"

"Uh...," said Drake thinking. "Well, remember when when I was thirteen and you were seven and we saw that thing on TV?"

"Oh, yes!" said Megan happily. "I loved it when those buildings were on fire and we got to see all those people jumping out."

Megan then did an evil laugh.

"That was a great action movie," said Drake. "Now we've bonded, and I'm out."

After Drake left the room, Megan grinned broadly and said "I'm in his email".

[Arrow transition]

Drake was walking though the living room while wearing a trenchcoat. Josh approached him.

"Drake, what are you wearing?" Josh asked.

"Clothes," Drake replied.

"I mean, why are you wearing a big black coat?"

"Oh, I just want to look cool," Drake said.

"Well, if you wear that outside, you're gonna be the opposite of cool. You might die," Josh said.

"Relax, I'll only wear it indoors. I want to look like that guy from the mattress."

"Haeh?" Josh asked in his trademark way.

"You know, the movie The Mattress, when they're in the computer and it's green, and they have sunglasses," said Drake.

"That's The Matrix, Drake," Josh replied.

"That does make more sense, now that I think about it," said Drake.

"They say "Matrix" like a bazillion times in the movie," Josh pointed out.

"Yeah, that's true."

Josh sat on the couch and turned on the TV.

"Up next, the Carpetmice," said the announcer.

"That show's for babies," Drake said. "I watch cool shows like Daniel Ghost. It'll be so awesome when I show up to school as Neo."

"Whatever you say," Josh replied.

"I'm gonna get my Neo equipment," Drake said, walking offscreen.

Josh turned off the TV.

"I hope that's not what I think it is," Josh said.

[Arrow transition]

Megan was sitting in the boys' room. She was still typing away on that laptop. The camera showed the laptop screen.

"I am Drake parker and I'm a big idiot," she typed.

She chuckled, then continued.

"I never really been with any girls. I just have them for show. I have ganarea and dutch elm disease too. i didnt even get ganarea the normal way, I had to drinbk the girl's blood."

Megan laughed and said "And... send". Then she closed the laptop and left the room. Drake walked into the room.

"Is my life planned out, like a TV show?" he said, picking up his guitar.

He then started playing Disposable Heroes by Metallica, not as well as the original recording, but it still sounded heavy because the song cannot be made soft.

"Soldier boy, made of clay, now an empty shell," he sang out. "What a weird song about clam war. My life can't be a TV show because there's no scenes."

There was a quick jump cut to him and Josh sleeping in their beds, followed by a jump cut to Drake alone again in the room the next morning. Drake reached under Josh's bed and pulled out the time capsule.

"This is gonna be awesome," he said pulling out the larger of the two guns.

He pulled the trenchcoat from just offscreen and put it on, putting the gun inside.

"Look out, Belleview. Neo's coming to town," he said.

He walked out the door as Josh walked in.

"Okay, why is he dressed like that?" Josh said out loud.

Then he noticed the opened capsule.

"Oh no. This is gonna be bad," Josh said.

He kicked the capsule in frustration, causing the gun to fly into Josh's opened backpack. Josh then turned towards his backpack and zipped it up.

[Arrow transition]

Josh was in the hallway of the school.

"Stupid Drake, taking the car," he said. "He can't go to school like this, he'll get in trouble."

A kid walked up to him.

"Hey, Josh," he said. "Did you finish doing my homework?"

"I never started your homework. You told Eric to do it."

The kid then left. Josh walked into his first period class with Mrs. Hayfer. Drake was not there.

"Hey, Josh, why do you look so worried?" asked Mindy.

"No reason," Josh lied as he sat down.

"The time capsule thing was a bust," Eric said.

Josh flinched and said "Oh".

Craig chimed in.

"Yeah, a bunch of people stormed the big zoo with shovels. They almost ate the tigers and trampeled the elephants," he said.

"And then the zookeepers had to fend them off with tranquilizers and it wasn't even at the right San Diego Zoo," said Eric.

"I was talking, Eric," said Craig, coldly.

"Shut up," replied Eric.

Mrs. Hayfer walked in the door.

"Good morning class, it's time for me to go through a torture worse then the character you'll be reading about in The Pit and the... wait a minute, Drake's not here. Never mind then," Mrs. Hayfer said.

Josh's face contorted between angry and amused. Josh opened his bag and took out his notebook, not noticing the pistol. An unnamed background character tapped him on the shoulder.

"Nice flower drawing, dork!" he said about the flower Josh had drawn on his notebook.

"Thanks. It's a columbine," Josh said, missing the mocking.

The kid's eyes went wide and he scooted his chair away. Suddenly, there was an explosive noise and screaming. One student ran into the classroom.

"It's Drake Parker!" she shouted.

"I have to deal with him after all," Mrs. Hayfer said.

[Arrow transition]

Drake was walking through the hallways in a trenchcoat and firing blanks with the rifle.

"Woo, I'm just like Neo. There is no spoon. Take the blue pill," Drake said, quoting two characters who were not Neo.

As Drake was posing himself and pointing the gun, Josh came running up.

"DRAKE, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" he shouted.

"Oh, hey, man," Drake said, absentmindedly.

Josh dropped his still open backpack, and the pistol flew out.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THIS DOING HERE?" he shouted.

"I was wondering where that was. Maybe you could be the Agent guy."

"No, I will not be Agent Smith! People think you're trying to kill people! It's because you brought these things home!" said Josh, angrily picking up the pistol and showing it to Drake.

Suddenly, a voice roared "THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP."

"Oh, you really got us into it now," Josh said, as officers handcuffed him and his brother.

The two boys were now in a room with police and Walter and Audrey.

"Why did you two do it?" an officer asked.

"This was all Drake's fault! I accidentally put the gun in my backpack," Josh said.

"I wasn't trying to kill people, the guns weren't even loaded," Drake said.

"What?" said Walter in the background.

"The guns weren't loaded," said another officer. "But we ascribed that to you two being dumbbutts."

"And I didn't show up to first period because I thought I shot myself and I drove to the hospital before I remembered they weren't loaded."

"What about the threatening emails?" asked the first officer.

"Huh?" asked Drake.

"Those threatening emails where you said not to come to school tomorrow, and that you drink blood, and that you hate Britney Spears, and that your little sister is the most beautiful girl in the world."

Drake, Josh, Walter, and Audrey stood up straight and said one name: "Megan".

[Credits scene]

Josh was in Megan's room.

"Hey, Megs. How does it feel to be punished for once?"

"Why don't you ask Drake? He's grounded too."

Josh left the room, and Megan said "I'll get my revenge".

She laughed evilly while drawing a picture of the Seattle Space Needle.