LISA
I held her close to me. We were one, as simple as that. Our task was to save it. Now was the 'honeymoon phase'. It was easy and flawless, and the work would begin when this phase ended.
As we started descending back to the car, I said, "You know, I have this fear, since everything is perfect now. But my brain turns into protective mode, like I don't completely believe this is happening, that it will all end. She will go home, and you will never see her again. I know this is a shield, but I am still afraid."
"Yes, constant chanting to be careful, that it's too good to be true," Jennie agreed.
"Well, it actually is too good," I said quietly.
"But I decided to shut that voice down. None of us knows what will happen, and constant worry only kills the joy of the moment."
"And did you shut it down successfully?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I'm working on it. It's difficult to argue with my own fears." Jennie brushed a hand through her hair.
"I was never really in a long-term relationship, so I am afraid as hell of the moment when what they call the 'honeymoon phase' ends," I admitted when we reached the car and climbed in. "I don't worry that my feelings for you will fade, no, but that you can—"
"Wait," Jennie interrupted, pressing two fingers to my lips to silence me. "These phases aren't for ending things, they are for growing deeper into each other. Yes, the more time goes by, the more work relationships will require. But it's a work of getting to know each other on a different level and caring for each other. I don't really believe in a stigma of a 'honeymoon phase'. It's only the foundation of something much bigger." Jennie took my hand in hers. "And I look forward to being your boring day-to-day partner."
This woman knew how to make me happy. After these words, a warm light grew into my chest. She was serious about me, about us. I still couldn't believe Jennie had come into my life and pushed my fears away. I decided to cherish every moment we had, be it a month or fifty years.
"Can you imagine us growing old together?" she asked.
"You know," I said, scratching my nose, "actually I can, and quite vividly. We'll see, but it's the sweetest image."
"Save it for me," she pleaded with a smile.
But I would save this one as well. The warm light from a lamppost on the parking lot lit Jennie's face with a honey glow, and her eyes looked deep into mine. The sun from the last few days highlighted her freckles, and brown hair framed her face with an auburn halo.
The next day, I took Jennie to the beach. As I was tying my surfboard to the car trunk, Jennie was dragging hers out of the garage. She was awkward, and having never really held such a big board, she didn't know where to place her hands and almost tripped. But with a brave face, she put it by my side.
"Here," she breathed.
I laughed. "Thanks, but I could have brought it myself."
"I know, but I'm here, and you don't need to do everything alone now," she said, going inside for a bag with snacks, hot tea in the thermos, towels, and wetsuits.
My hand froze while I was tying the rope, and I looked at my fingers.
I am not alone anymore. I had gotten used to doing everything by myself, living alone. And now, my gaze shifted to the second board at my feet. I had another human in my life. I'm here, and you don't need to do everything alone now. I smiled, hope blossoming in my heart.
Two hours later, I was watching her catch the smallest waves, so confident on the board.
"Are you sure you never tried surfing?" I asked.
"Yes." She was panting and focused on the coming wave. "But I think I have the gist of it."
"Really?" I exclaimed, watching her standing on the board and making it almost to the end, tumbling into the water. But she was a natural on the board.
A group of surfers huddled not far from us. They were wearing dark swimsuits, but their boards were so colorful, as the feathers of an exotic bird flying on the water edge. One of them waved and swam closer to us.
"Hi, Shawn," I greeted.
Jennie swam closer to me. "This is Jennie."
"Hi." Shawn held out a hand to her, and they shook.
"I see you have a newbie friend here." He winked. "I remember Lisa learning her first baby steps on waves," he said to Jennie.
Shawn was in his fifties, and every weekend you could find him on the water.
"I noticed that you put your leg right on the edge, though. It makes you fall in the water at the end all the time. Try it now."
He showed Jennie a place on his board where her leg should be. Jennie looked at me briefly, and I nodded. She stood, and I saw what he was talking about. He moved her leg into the correct position.
"Let's try with this wave," he suggested.
It was slightly bigger to the ones before.
"I'll do it with you," I told her.
And she did it, slightly wobbly, but it was great. Jennie was beaming, her wet hair plastered to her face. Her body was slick in the dark wetsuit.
"Nice one!" Shawn clapped and swam closer. "How do you two know each other?"
"Oh, it's a long story. We met in Tel Aviv," I said as Jennie swam closer to me and took my hand in hers.
"Ooooh, I see," Shawn said, looking from our hands to our faces. "Finally, Lisa." He turned to Jennie. "Good luck with this wild one." He winked at her, his eyes crackling with mischief.
Someone called Shawn from the group of guys he had been hanging out with.
He nodded towards us. "I'll leave you both to it, then. Nice meeting you Jennie."
"You too," she said.
I waved as he left. "Bye, Shawn." When he retreated further out into the water away from us, I turned to Jennie. "Are you tired?" I asked her. "That was a lot for the first time."
She was tired, she admitted reluctantly. We swam to the shore and climbed out of the water. This was one of the few beaches with changing rooms, and in winter, only surfers used it. We took our bags with dry clothes from the car and went to change.
"Let me help you unzip," I said. Usually the wetsuits had a strip on the zipper to make it easier, but hers didn't have one.
Jennie turned her back to me. I moved the zipper down and helped her out of the wetsuit. When her shoulder emerged, I kissed it, moving the wetsuit down. I touched her shoulder blade, slowly tracing the back of her neck with my lips. I moved my hand to her breast, her heart hammering under my palm. Jennie pressed her back to me.
We were alone in the changing rooms. She took my hand and moved it down, pressing it between her legs. She was warm. I covered her lips as she moaned, her body moving in my arms.
"Shh, be quiet," I whispered in her ear. She clasped a hand to her mouth, trying to silence herself. I moved my hand to caress her body. She tried to stay silent as I moved my fingers inside her, touching her in the places I knew she loved. But in the end, it was stronger than her, and she cried as hot liquid spread on my fingers. I turned her to face me.
"You did amazing today," I said before kissing her. Jennie kissed me back, still dazed. "Here's your clothes."
She slowly put them on. I smiled to myself at the way she had melted under my touch. It was satisfying.
--
We drank tea while watching the waves, and the weather was getting colder by the minute. Dark grey clouds were moving from the east.
"What do you want to do now?" I asked.
"Go back home, if you don't mind," Jennie said. She looked sleepy, her eyelids growing ever heavier.
"Sure, it seems that we caught the perfect weather today."
As I was driving home, Jennie drifted to sleep. That morning on the water had taken a lot out of her. I memorized every inch of her face when stopping at the stoplights. When I parked at the house, I touched her hair and her cheek.
"We're home," I told her.
She opened her eyes and smiled drowsily. "Thank you," she whispered.
"For what?" I laughed.
She shrugged. "For the day."
We climbed out of the truck and took the bags inside.
"Hey, why don't you go take a nap?" I suggested, nodding towards my room.
"Yes, I probably should," she agreed, rubbing her eyes. "Shower first, though."
I heard the water running while unpacking the food and wetsuits. When Jennie opened the door to the bathroom, the steam poured out and she emerged pink-faced. She was wearing her lacy negligee that was unbearably sexy on her. Jennie crossed the room and pressed her body to mine, her skin so warm after the shower. She brushed her lips to my cheek and whispered, "Good night."
"Good night," I laughed, as it was only 2 p.m.
She went to the bedroom and slowly closed the door behind her.
I took a shower and perched on the sofa. The darkest clouds covered the sky, and the rain would pour any moment now. I loved this weather, as it was the opposite from the usual LA sunshine. I made myself a cup of a chamomile tea and picked up a book. But I couldn't focus on it. My mind kept running to the bedroom, where the woman I loved was sleeping. I never really believed that I would meet a person I'd love with every pore of my body, with every corner of my mind.
I managed to live alone just fine. My days had a calming rhythm of familiarity. But there was one thought I forbade myself to dwell on. Was I lonely? A small frozen chamber in my heart. It had been reserved for another person, and it stayed vacant … always. Till Jennie.
Jennie was the person who opened the door to that closed, frozen chamber with a crash, and she filled it with laughter and flowers. She didn't know it. And she made the one thing I was always ashamed of, that I was a lesbian, a thing that filled me with hope and light. Her presence was a silent acceptance of my being queer.
The feelings I had for her made me strong and vulnerable at the same time. I was afraid about our future, the decisions she would need to make in her life so that we could be together. And even if she didn't talk about Kai, I knew they had a solid relationship. And if he didn't wish to be a father so strongly, I think they would be together for many years to come. But his need to be a parent made Jennie realize that sooner or later she would need to let him go. He loved her, but she knew that if they stayed together, he would blame her for the life he didn't have.
I wanted to shield her from the pain. This breakup with Kai would hurt, even if she didn't show it. I would stay by her side through every minute of it.
The big raindrops started drumming on the glass. I watched the small rivers flow outside, the sound of the rain lulling me. I closed my eyes for a moment.
I felt a soft touch on my cheek and opened my eyes. I didn't mean to drift away; the open book still lay open in my lap.
"Hey," Jennie murmured.
I blinked several times. "Hey."
The room had grown darker, as it was still raining outside.
"Can I lay with you?" she asked.
"Sure." I scooted over and opened my arms, finding that she fit perfectly.
"How's the book?"
I shrugged. "Not bad, a thriller, but the rain calmed me, and I guess I was also tired."
Jennie turned her face to me and locked her eyes on me. "Lisa?"
"Mmm?" I was touching her hair, the silk strands between my fingers.
"I want to be with you," Jennie said. Her features were so determined; she wasn't smiling. "I never wanted …" She took a shaky breath. "I have never needed anyone like I need you. Now I know where my heaven is; it's by your side. And I am terrified that I need to leave in a few days. I know it's just for a few weeks and we will be together later, but I am afraid to leave you even for a short amount of time."
She looked so vulnerable, and I pressed her close to me.
"I know, honey," I whispered, "and I hate that you need to go, that you need to change your life because of me."
Jennie drew back. "Now that I have you and know what this is,"—she gestured to the space between us—"I don't want my old life."
I smiled and kissed her gently, touching her upper lip with the tip of my tongue. Jennie didn't move, her breath lingering on my lips. She was teasing, a playful smile on her face.
And then she kissed me back. I could feel her. She untied my bathrobe and with shaking hands lowered my bra straps. Jennie kissed my collarbone and paused at the hollow of my breasts. She slowly tugged down the bra and stopped. She just watched as her fingers slowly touched my nipple, the dark skin around it. Her lips parted, and she glanced deep into my eyes.
"You have a beautiful body. Do you know that?"
"Do I?" I quirked a playful brow.
"Oh yes," she whispered, kissing my belly, slowly moving down and down, till I gasped for air.
Afterwards, as I was trying to calm my breathing, Jennie took a blanket and covered us both. The rain was puttering softly on the glass. Jennie climbed back into my arms, and our breathing grew softer by each minute as we drifted to sleep.
I woke up to my stomach rumbling. Jennie heard it and put a hand on my abdomen.
"I'm hungry too," she admitted with a slow smile.
"What do you want to eat?"
"What do you think about pizza?" Jennie suggested with a childish happiness in her eyes.
An hour later, we were so full we could barely breathe.
"Oh, wow, American pizza is huge," Jennie remarked, taking a sip of cola. "And greasy."
"It's not the Italian way for sure," I laughed.
I took my phone and checked the weather app. The next day was going to be a sunny day.
"Do you want to go to the adventure park tomorrow?" I asked.
"But what about you? You hate those."
"Oh, I won't be riding. I will wait for you standing safely on the ground. Jack, John, and Ian would love to spend more time with you. And they are crazy on those rides. I honestly don't know how they do it, but they go over and over on those loopy ones, where you often end up upside down. That family has bodies like astronauts."
"But won't you be bored?"
I shook my head. "Nope."
Her eyes glinted. "Let's go then."
I sent a message to John, and he replied with a confirmation.
"Let's see what this Ukrainian girl is made of," he texted back with a winking smile. I laughed.
"Beware, she is sturdier than you think," I replied back.
The rain subsided to a drizzle, so we decided to stay in and watch movies. Browsing Netflix, I stumbled upon Back to the Future, my favorite movie of all time.
"Have you watched it?" Jennie asked, seeing me lingering on it.
"Of course, it's the movie, the movie of all movies."
"I agree." Jennie grinned.
I pressed play, and we watched all three parts quoting lines, cheering and giggling. This felt like home. If this was what our future looked like, I couldn't believe my luck.
Later, I set an alarm for eight in the morning; it would be a crazy day. Jennie wrapped her hands around me and whispered, "Good night."
I kissed her lightly and murmured back, "Good night."
I heard her breathing growing softer and felt her muscles relaxing. She fell asleep quickly. The thought of her leaving soon was pulsing with my heart, spreading the dread through my veins and tearing my soul apart.
I inhaled the sweet smell of her skin and tried to relax. I wanted to pause this moment, but let's face it, I wanted to pause every moment I spent with her. But all these moments were rushing with the speed of light, running from me. I had to let her go. And the moment of separation loomed on the horizon, dimming the time we still had here.
I looked at Jennie's face in the dark. I needed to trust the future. It would play out as it should. But worry was creeping inside me, and I couldn't shake it off.