A/N: Sorry about the last chapter being so short! I was worried that if I continued it would be way longer than I expected lol In any case, here's the next one!
Marrying the Monster
Chapter 11: Marriage Musings
"Rey, the bath is ready," Rose said with a smile.
Rey nodded as she walked into the bathroom. She allowed Rose to help her undo her corset and as soon as it was, she slipped the blasted thing off, tossing it in the corner with disdain. She walked to the edge of the tub and dipped her foot in, freezing instantly as a sudden wave of panic started to overcome her. Her breathing hitched as memories flooded back to her of nearly being drowned. "Rey?" Rose called, suddenly worried for her friend. The color had drained from her face as she stood there, one foot in the water, one outside on the floor. "Rey, are you all right? Is it too warm?"
"I... can't..." she breathed out as she stepped back and slid down against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest.
"Is there something wrong with the water?" Rose asked, reaching down to feel the temperature. It was the same as she'd always made them, so she didn't understand why Rey was suddenly white as a sheet. "Rey, what happened?" she asked as she slowly approached her and knelt at her side.
"Can you go get Kylo please?" she asked, her eyes begging Rose to not ask questions. She knew Kylo would understand, and she wasn't ready to talk about her near death experience with Rose.
Rose nodded quietly as she handed her friend a robe. She helped her put it on and Rey went back to hugging her knees against the wall, face buried in her knees as she tried to calm herself down. The sight of her friend in this state broke her heart. She quickly retreated from the bathroom and headed to Kylo's room, knocking at the door with urgency. When he opened it, he registered the fear on Rose's face. "What is it? What's happened?"
"It's Rey... she's asking for you," Rose replied. "She's... I think she's having a panic attack... but I don't know why..." she said sadly.
Without another word, Kylo rushed past her and to the bathroom. He burst through the door and saw his betrothed in such a crumpled state that it sent a surge of pain through his chest. He rushed to her side and gathered her into his arms, making her clutch onto him desperately. He gently hushed her as her breathing became erratic. "It's ok," he purred, his low voice reverberating in her chest and soothing her. He nodded his head at Rose and she dismissed herself, closing the door behind her. "What happened?"
"I went to get in... and it's like I'm reliving it all over again..." She sounded so defeated and drained.
"He can't hurt you anymore. It's just water," he said as he pulled her into his lap, cradling her gently.
"I know, but it was just... unexpected," she said as she leaned her head against his chest, the sound of his heartbeat filling her ears and giving her something different to focus on.
"It's normal for... people who've experienced trauma to be sensitive to things that remind them of the incident. For you, it's water. But try again. Maybe it was just the initial shock." Rey held tight to his shirt in protest and what he assumed was fear. "I'll be right here," he promised.
Rey nodded quietly and Kylo helped her get to her feet. He offered her his hand and she graciously took it as she hesitantly dipped her foot into the water again. He watched her stiffen and he kissed her hand, drawing her attention away from the fear. Her eyes landed on his at the action. "Focus on me." She hesitantly nodded and he watched her take another step down into the water, freezing again. He kicked off his boots quickly and walked into the bath, coming to stand in front of her as the water went up to his hips. He offered his other hand to her, prompting her to take it, too. "Come on."
She nodded and hesitantly walked down another step, the water rising to her mid thigh now. She kept her eyes glued on him as she continued into the water, ultimately allowing it to come up to her hips, or rather slightly above. Her chest ached as she fought the urge to break down. However, having him there with her was definitely a great help to her. She let her mind drift to how attentive he was being with her and she couldn't help the flutter she felt in her chest. It was nice to be paid attention to, even if it was probably just a formality.
They remained silent, just staring into each other's eyes and before she knew it, she'd let her breathing level out. She watched the corner of his mouth twitch just slightly into a very brief grin, but even though it was brief, it reassured her that he got her. That he was there. "Do you want to sit?" he asked carefully, guarded, as if his next words could make her feel better or break her more.
"Ok," she said as she let herself be guided into the water to sit on the step. The water rose to just below her collar bone as she sighed at the hot water. It was then that she noticed he'd gotten wet and her face flushed a little. "You're wet."
He looked down at himself and snickered with a small shrug, releasing one of her hands. "That's usually what happens in a bath, Rey." She shot a look up at him and he grinned back. "It's fine. How are you?" he asked as he stood in front of her.
She didn't know how to answer that. Was she all right? Was she really? She supposed she would be all right, but she didn't want him to leave. "I'm wondering how I'm going to bathe in a robe," she teased.
He realized she was right. They weren't married yet, and he didn't want to do anything to cause her more discomfort, but he was also concerned to leave her. "I could give you privacy if you-"
"No," she said quickly, her grip tightening on his hand. "Not to be indecent, but I'd prefer you to stay..." He nodded quietly. She hesitantly let go of his hand and took a deep breath, as if to steady herself, closing her eyes. Her heart raced as the anxiety threatened to well up again, but she pushed it down quickly. Kylo kept his hand where it was when she'd let go of it, in case she wanted to hold his hand again. However, when she opened her eyes, he knew she would be just fine. She gave him a small smile and nodded.
He walked to the edge of the bath and hoisted himself out, sitting on the floor with his back to her, but still close enough to her so that she could reach out if she needed. He listened to her movements, the water being disrupted as she took off her robe and sat it behind her on the steps outside of the bath. He felt a heat rising on his cheeks, but he steeled himself not to look back. This was definitely a new experience. It was the middle of the day and here he was, sitting in the bathroom with his naked soon-to-be wife. This wasn't indecent at all!
He rolled his eyes at himself and cleared his throat quietly. "Luke and your friends should be here in a few hours," he said off-handedly. He instantly regretted how he'd started that conversation. Of all the things he could bring up, why Luke? Her movements stilled, he realized, as soon as it left his mouth. Had he messed up? "I wasn't able to send word that the wedding had been postponed. I'm sure they had already left." He didn't know why he had to justify himself to her, but he still felt the need for an explanation as to why they were still coming despite the postponement.
"Then let's not postpone it," she said as she started to wash herself.
"Pardon?" he said, clearly not understanding what she had just said.
"I only mean that if they're already going to arrive this evening, let's just go through with the wedding tomorrow morning so they can leave just as quickly as they arrive."
Kylo hesitated then. "Don't you want to see your friends?"
Rey scoffed. "Luke isn't my friend. He made that abundantly clear. Poe is a friend, but... I feel like he's more likely to take Luke's side than mine. Finn is a good friend of mine though. While I'd like to spend time around Poe and Finn, it's best they don't linger."
He fidgeted a little, his fingers moving the seam of his pants on the side of his leg. "Are you positive? Is that really what you want?" he asked, turning his head just slightly to see her out of his peripheral, but it still being blurry. "If you want them to stay for longer, it wouldn't be a problem."
She gave him a small smile as she shook her head. "I appreciate the offer... but this is for the best."
He turned his head away again, bringing one knee up and resting his wrist on it. "If you're sure..."
"I am. My home is here now," she said, thinking back to Luke's words. She briefly debated sharing the letter from Luke with him, but she decided against it. Maybe now wasn't the time. They seemed to be at peace with each other again, and she didn't want to do anything to ruin that. At least not for now. She would share it eventually, but not now. "Are you sure you want to go through with the marriage?"
Kylo scoffed. "If I had it my way, I wouldn't marry at all." Rey flinched, but she understood where he was coming from. "But... I'm glad it's to you and not some useless harpy."
Rey couldn't help but laugh as a small blush spread across her cheeks. "How do you know I'm not a useless harpy?" she countered with a grin. She folded her arms on the corner of the bath next to him and rested her head in her arms, staring up at his face.
He glanced down at her and chortled a little. "If you were useless, you wouldn't have acted quickly to patch me up that night. Nor would you have befriended the Knights of Ren so easily. Nor would you have stood your ground so marvelously against Hux and Phasma." His eyes met hers, the intensity of a thousand suns shining through in his dark hues. "You are far from useless, Rey."
Rey blushed and gave him a warm smile. "Still didn't address the harpy aspect of that argument," she teased.
He rolled his eyes. "It seems you're fishing for compliments."
She laughed quietly and shrugged. "No, just trying to get your honest opinion."
"My honest opinion..." he repeated softly, averting his sight to stare off at the wall. What was his honest opinion of her? He didn't simply tolerate her. He actually enjoyed being around her. She'd brought life to his dreary soul. Things were interesting when she was around. It had only been a handful of days he'd spent with her, but he'd come to enjoy those times together. Like she was a friend he didn't know he was capable of making. How could he honestly relay how he felt about her when he didn't really know himself? He supposed he should just answer the question at hand and build off of that... "Well, you're definitely not a harpy," he started. "I'd venture to say you're pleasant to be around."
She saw him glance down at her and she couldn't help but smirk. "Aww... you like me," she teased, playfully nudging his side with her elbow.
Oh, if only she knew. He only gave her a small smirk in reply. He supposed he did like her. He definitely didn't hate her, that was for sure. He supposed the best way to put their relationship, if he had to define it, was that he liked her. He supposed they liked each other since she was willing to stay. She very well could have just up and left him in the middle of the night, truce be darned. But she stayed. She endured the abuse from Hux and Phasma, the scathing remarks he was quite sure they made towards her, and even him showing his brutal side a little. If she was going to go, he supposed she would have left during any of those instances.
But she was here. With him. "Weren't we supposed to go to Amilyn tomorrow?" she asked suddenly, breaking him from his thoughts.
"I received word that everything is ready now. We could go tomorrow before the wedding if you'd like."
Rey looked outside and hummed under her breath. "I see no reason we can't go today, do you?" she asked, turning her sight to him for any sign of objection.
Kylo merely shrugged. "Yes, I suppose that's an option."
She smiled happily. "Ok. I'm ready to get out now." She backed away slightly and blushed for a moment. "Uhm..."
Kylo kept his back to her as he sighed softly and pointed in the direction of the corner. Rey looked in the direction and saw a closet. "There should be a spare robe there." This woman was going to be the death of him, he just knew it. He dragged his hand over his face as he heard the water move against her movements. The sound of water trickling down and back into the bath graced his ears, followed by wet footsteps across the tiled floor. He remained still as the closet door opened and closed, followed by the rustling of clothes.
"Ok. I'll go get dressed and meet you out front," she said with a small smile, causing him to look back at her as he stood. "Maybe you should change, too," she teased. "You seem to have gotten wet."
Kylo rolled his eyes then. "Very funny. Keep it up and I'll toss you back into the bath."
She laughed softly, truly appreciating this playful banter they shared. She reached forward and grabbed his hand, smiling up at him affectionately. "Thank you."
That one smile stole his breath. Yeah, he definitely liked her. That seemed appropriate, but also... not... He wouldn't question it for now. He only nodded in response, walking with her out of the bathroom. They parted ways at the Duchess' chambers, Rey hugging him briefly and scurrying into her room quickly. He stayed at her door for a moment longer, wondering how they'd gotten so close this quickly. He usually hated other people touching him, or even speaking with him. But here this woman was, hugging him, holding his hand, requesting he stay with her, even saving his life! And for the first time since the war, he was truly grateful for this arranged marriage.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X
Rey looked down at the robe she'd grabbed and let out a heavy sigh, realizing that it was his. She'd tried so desperately to hold in her blush and suppress the butterflies welling up in her stomach. It reminded her of when he'd given her his cloak. It smelled like him. It smelled manly, woodsy, a hint of spice. She found herself bringing the robe to her nose and sniffing it with a small smile. She could get used to this smell, that was for sure.
Her eyes widened and she dropped the robe from her face as a blush started to creep up her neck and color her face. No, Rey. Don't start feeling that way. There was still a chance that Poe and Finn could get her out of here in a year. The war would be over soon, everything would calm down, the south would amass an army that could go toe to toe with the north, and she'd be back in Skywalker castle.
She stopped in her tracks then. But was that what she wanted? Her chest ached at the thought of going back there. She wasn't welcome there. After years of feeling she didn't fit in, she'd finally found somewhere she did. Would it really hurt her to stay here with him? She didn't really want her first marriage to end in failure anyway, so what was the harm of staying in the north with Kylo? They'd gotten along pretty well. Sure, his reputation wasn't the best, but he had redeeming qualities that no one spoke of (probably because they weren't aware of them). She sat on her bed quietly, staring at the ground, trying to sort out her feelings. This would take a lot longer than five minutes, but she had to at least understand whether she wanted to give this her all or if she was just biding time.
She did like him. He was attentive. He seemed like he cared. He had little romantic gestures she would normally find cringey if other men did it, like how he kissed her hand and held her hand like he lived on touching her. She felt at home here. With him. She'd befriended the Knights, and Rose... Heck, he even got rid of the man that attempted an assassination on her life! She fidgeted with her fingers as she sat there, a nervous habit she'd picked up since finding out about the marriage alliance.
He'd tried to make her feel at home. He even took her to the market and bought her whatever she wanted. He'd bought her clothes, jewelry, and a book on medicinal healing and techniques. Sure, he posed as an ordinary Knight of Ren, but looking past that, he genuinely tried to get to know her. He genuinely tried to show her similarities in the north and south, as if he were trying to make her more comfortable.
She scoffed at herself. Why was she even debating this? It was silly to think she didn't like him. She needed to stop trying to convince herself that she was only here for a year, and start believing that she didn't want to leave at the end of the year. Truth be told, she'd developed some sort of romantic feelings for him. She didn't know how deep they ran, but she wasn't exactly eager to throw them out either. She allowed herself a small smile at the very thought of being around him more. She really really liked him.
The brunette stood with resolve and pulled out some pants, grey and form-fitting. She rummaged around for a shirt and grabbed a light green one. Once she slipped it all on, she had a look at herself in the mirror and smiled happily. The shirt hung loosely on her, dipping down into a V-neck in the front with a bow tied with thin strings. The sleeves were slightly baggy and cinched at her wrists. The rest of the shirt cinched just under her breasts, flaring out a little to her hips. If she didn't know any better, she'd swear she was a barmaid. She snickered at the thought of serving beer to the Knights and seeing them actually acting human. Such a foreign concept, she mused to herself. She walked to the jewelry box and grabbed the necklace and earrings he'd bought her. She smiled softly and put them on with a bright smile.
Giving herself one last glance in the mirror, she decided that she was done and headed to the door. When she opened it, she saw him waiting in a black, form-fitting shirt that buttoned down the front. Her eyes traced over his muscles before noticing he was wearing black through and through. She had to hold back a roll of her eyes. He truly had no color variation. Apparently, he was giving her a once over, too, she noticed. She watched his eyes scan over her attire, coming to rest at her earrings and then finally her eyes. He gave her a small grin and offered his arm.
She smiled wide and took it. As they walked down the hall in silence, she saw Rose smiling wide at them. "Going out?" she asked with a smile.
Rey nodded. "A quick run to the market."
"Shall I show the guests to their chambers once they arrive?" Rose asked, looking between the two. Kylo only nodded in return. "Will do! Enjoy!" she said as she curtsied and bounced off down the hall.
Rey shook her head and laughed at her friend's bubbly behavior. It was definitely a nice change to when she was in the south. Everything was so serious and dreary. She thought things would be that way here, but they were completely opposite of her expectations. "Where did you find Rose and Paige?" she asked as they walked out the front doors.
Kylo shrugged. "Apparently Phasma put an ad out and they were the first to respond." Rey shrugged quietly. "The pool of applicants was scarce," he snickered. She looked up at him then curiously. "Reputation."
"I think that reputation of yours is completely ridiculous."
"Do you?" he asked as he helped her into the carriage. He entered as well, shutting the door behind him.
The carriage started moving and Rey relaxed against the back with a shrug. "I mean, who really calls you the Duke of Destruction anyway? What have you destroyed?"
Kylo looked out the window, slightly uncomfortable at the topic at hand. "Other kingdoms," he said simply. Rey realized how awkward she'd made it then and squirmed in her seat. "I didn't build the north simply by being idle. I had opposition, as does any kingdom when they first start climbing the ranks. They were all dealt with, most of them destroyed and rebuilt."
"I see. Sorry," she said as she fidgeted a little.
It wasn't without Kylo noticing as he grabbed her hands in her lap. Her eyes found his face, a small blush creeping up as she realized how close their faces were. "There's no need to be sorry, Rey. I did what I had to do to get where I am. How I handled it is in the past and can't be changed. If people don't approve of me because of that, then it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'm still in the same position I've been in for several years."
Rey nodded quietly. He released her hands and sat back against the carriage, falling into a somewhat comfortable silence as they rode together. It was then that she let herself smile wide. "Remember the last time we rode to the market together?" she asked, earning a glance from him. She laughed then. "Last ride we took together, you yelled at me, defending yourself from my absurd accusations," she said with a small laugh.
"I remember," he said simply.
She gave him a small smile. She didn't miss the subtle discomfort in the two words he spoke. "Sorry," she said softly.
He flicked his eyes over to her, seeing the sincerity in her green eyes. He only shook his head in response, turning his sight back to the window. After a few moments of welcomed silence, Kylo suddenly sighed, instantly earning her attention. "You don't need to apologize." She quirked a brow at him then. Why not? She'd wrongly accused him. She'd assumed he was some careless person, but she'd been proven wrong. "You had every reason to be irritated after not seeing me or meeting me officially. For being treated as inferior in the south and assuming I was doing the same. For not understanding my motives." His eyes met hers after he spoke calmly. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
Rey felt her heart flutter in her chest. He looked so sincere. His gaze was intense. She sensed some emotions roiling around under the surface, but she wasn't sure how to decipher them. She definitely wasn't uncomfortable. If anything, she was intrigued, like she wanted to try to understand them. She gave him a small smile and nodded in response to him. "Um, so tell me how weddings are held in the north. Are they like the south?"
He quirked a brow at her before chuckling softly. "The wedding procedure is the same, for the most part. Walk down the aisle, surrounded by people, see a minister, take some vows-"
"Wow, so romantic," she said with a roll of her eyes and a grin.
Kylo let out a small huff when he realized how robotic he'd sounded about it. Even if this was an arranged marriage, he supposed he needed to be a little more sensitive to it since it was their first marriages. He supposed girls dreamed about that stuff. "Allow me to try again." Her brow went up again as she shrugged. "If it's important to you... you can work with Rose to make preparations. Otherwise, leave everything to Rose." Rey quietly nodded. "As I was saying... the wedding itself is fairly short and straightforward. Immediate friends and family are going to be there. Unless you decide otherwise."
Rey shook her head. "It's fine. So... are you familiar with the southern tradition? We say our vows then..."
Kylo quite enjoyed how she was struggling, not really wanting to say it. Amusement played in his eyes as he watched her struggle on how to ask if they were going to kiss in front of everyone. He knew exactly what she wanted to know, but he wanted to hear her ask. "Then?" he prompted.
She shot him a flat look. This man was insufferable. She sighed irritably. "Do we need to kiss for the ceremony to be viable?"
Kylo couldn't help but let a small soft laugh escape his lips, but almost as soon as it happened, it was gone. Rey didn't fail to pick up on it though. The sound echoed in her mind as it replayed over and over again. Her eyes memorized his face, thinking it was absolutely flawless as he laughed. When their eyes met again, Kylo gave her a smirk. "In the south, yes, but in the north, it's up to the couple." He saw her let out a small sigh in relief as she nodded her head. He wondered why she was so reserved when it came to affection, but quickly dismissed the thought, choosing not to go down that rabbit hole of it being only him that made her feel that way.
"Luke will probably want it to happen..." she said softly.
Kylo thought for a moment before weighing in. Luke was a piece of work, that was for sure. He remembered how harsh he was and how rough he could be. He also remembered how demanding he could be. "It's likely." Her eyes wandered out the carriage for a moment and he knew she was uncomfortable. He leaned forward, earning her attention. "Do you need to practice?" he teased.
Her face grew red hot and her body grew stiff as the breath hitched in her throat. What exactly was he suggesting?! "E-excuse me?" she breathed.
Loving how she was reacting, he decided to keep it going. "I asked if you would like to practice with me," he said with a grin.
"Why on earth would we need to-" She gasped suddenly, realizing she was being toyed with. "Kylo Ren! Quit messing with me!"
Kylo chuckled as she crossed her arms over her chest. "We're here," he said as the carriage stopped just in time. He moved to get out, but stopped short to bend over close to her. "We could always change the ceremony, Rey. Don't get hung up on the tiny details," he said as he exited the carriage and offered her his hand.
She hesitantly took his hand and exited behind him, thoughts weighing heavy on her mind. She wasn't opposed to kissing him, but... not like this. She barely noticed him offering her his arm, rousing her just enough to take it before she slipped back into her thoughts again. Today was going to be a long day.