2brown-eyes is the best!

THEN
MID-MARCH 1992

No song so…

Hold On—Wilson Phillips

The cool water soothes the sting of frustration as I do laps until I'm short on breath. Then I make my way to the side for another deep pull of liquor. Relaxing, I lean back and allow my body to float, boneless on the water.

The Milky Way streaks across the sky as the moon disappears behind the tree line. The wind picks up, blowing the bushes and causing the water to lap against my skin. I close my eyes and relax into it, rocking with the waves.

"It's warmer over here."

I don't flinch at the unexpected voice coming from near the hot tub, and I don't open my eyes. "I'll bet."

It's quiet until a splash breaks the silence.

I react then, dropping my feet and treading water as I search for him. Edward appears from depths only a foot away. He's smiling and gorgeous and shakes his head, sending water droplets flying.

"Stop." I giggle as I try to block the spay.

He closes in, looping his arm around my waist and pulling me flush against him. I instantly know he's as naked as me, and a shiver runs through me. It's been three months since our fight, and he's impossible to resist when he's this close.

This forward.

This determined.

His eyes glow in the light from the pool, and they drop to my lips and back up as if asking permission. "Bella." His voice is low and gravelly and desperate, and I can't resist him.

I never could.

I nod.

It's almost imperceptible, but he sees.

He always has.

We explode from there.

Taking.

Giving.

Loving.

Missing.

I offer myself to him completely in the dark of the night, knowing that in the light of day, I'll regret it with everything in me. We're not friends. We won't ever be friends. It's all or nothing when it comes to this boy, and I can't allow it to be all.

Not right now, at least.

Maybe someday.

When pink taints the night sky, Edward sighs. "I have to give you up now, don't I?"

It's an opening to reverse course, to go back and change it all, to have him be mine again, but I don't take it. "Ry's gonna wake soon."

"Fuck Ry," Edward growls, pulling me across the hot tub and onto his lap. "I can't stand to see him touch you."

I could tell him that he never has, not really, but I don't. "He's a cool guy."

Edward's pretty, pretty eyes roam my face, and I die a little inside at the heartbroken expression in them. "I'm glad you found somebody, B." He leans in and presses a soft kiss to my forehead before moving me off him and standing. "Thanks for this. I needed it."

He gets out of the hot tub, grabs his clothes, and disappears inside before I can respond. What would I say anyway? We keep doing this, going round and round, falling into old habits, and starting the breakup over again.

It's holding him back.

It's toxic.

I'm toxic.

Poison.

"This weekend was weird," Alice says as we pack our suitcase on Sunday. "I expected Edward to put up a better fight."

I snort, shaking my head. "The ploy with Riley worked."

She waggles her brows. "How is that going anyway?"

I shudder. "Riley and I will only ever be friends."

Her brows pucker, then her eyes narrow. "On Friday, right before Edward arrived, you were considering it. Then you played pretend with him all weekend, and now you're announcing there's nothing there when I've seen it a thousand times between you two? I don't buy it. What's really going on, B?"

"Nothing." I refuse to look at her.

"Bella." She pauses until I meet her concerned gaze. "If you still love Edward, you need to tell him. You're both miserable, and you don't have to be. Letters are romantic and you've already gone almost a whole year. What's one more?"

My stomach flips as I wonder for the first time if we really could make it work. One year is definitely less than two. "I could set aside money each week for a certain amount of long-distance."

"And summer is almost here," she adds, giving me an encouraging nod.

"I do love him," I say, eyes burning as I remember the feel of him inside me, holding me close. "Do you really think…"

"He loves you right back."

"Missing him is torture."

"Exactly!" Alice is practically bouncing. "Now go tell him that."

I toss my clothes onto the bed and race through the house like a crazed woman. I've been so dead set on wanting what's best for him that I never considered that it might be me. He's said as much, but I had two long years to plan for his departure.

Since freshmen year, I've always known his going away to Dartmouth was looming. I've had plenty of time to convince myself that setting him free was a gift. A life full of possibilities where he didn't need to consider a girl who was thousands of miles away when another cute one hit on him.

A life where he was free to experiment.

To explore.

Try new things.

To be Edward without Bella.

"Whoa," Emmett says, grabbing my arm as I hurry toward the sliding doors after looking in every room in the house. "What's going on?"

"Edward." I pause, meeting his eyes. "Where is he?"

His eyes soften. "He's already left."

"Left?"

"Yeah, about an hour ago."

"Oh," I say, like a dumbass. "Cool."

In an instant, all my hopes are dashed.

He didn't even say goodbye.

*cries*

Blah, even my stomach twisted a little while re-reading this.

See you tmr :)