Oliver
It was strange. I had been so nervous to open up to my family and now here I was, going back to school with my head held higher than it had been all year. I had my confidence back and felt like I could accomplish just about anything.
Meeting me at the airport, Julia ran to me like the women of black and white romance movies, grabbing me in a tight embrace and pulling me right off of my feet.
"Excuse me!" I yelled out. "Put me down!"
Thankfully she obeyed, setting my feet back where they belonged and taking me by the hands. Her smile was warm and welcoming, causing me to feel somewhat bad about my fear of her possibly being jealous of how my family handled what I told them. She hadn't given me a clear statement regarding her own families opinion of her.
"I can't help it. I'm just so proud of you."
"My sister is the one who really gave me the final push. She's the one you should really be thanking. Besides, she's the only one who I told… everything. I told my parents and little sister that I like men but I didn't elaborate."
"It's just crazy. Last week was a pretty big milestone for both you and your boyfriend."
"I've already told you that Enrique is not my boyfriend!"
"He absolutely has a crush on you, though."
"He has a crush on a girl he doesn't know is me."
"Same thing. Baby pictures, please?"
She hopped in place, grinning ear to ear as I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened it. The only pictures I had of Luca were from when he was still in the hospital, meaning he was a tad swollen and squishy in the vast majority of them. Newborns really were strange looking creatures.
"He's so tiny." She cooed, leaning her head on my shoulder while I scrolled through the photos. "I can't believe how much damn hair he has for being born so early, if he'd made it to term then Bianca's crotch would have had a worse rug burn than when I used to drag Raul by his feet down the hallway as a kid."
"You are a very cruel sibling."
"Shows what you know, I'm the best sister ever."
"Everyone keeps saying he looks like Bianca, I think he looks just like Enrique, though."
"What a cruel thing to say about a child."
I elbowed her, smirking and putting my phone back in my pocket as our school shuttle made it's way into the parking area, stopping just long enough for us to get in.
"Honestly Liv, you seem a lot less anxious now; it's refreshing."
A warm smile filled my face as I twirled a section of hair between my fingers, sighing as I allowed my eyes to drift out the shuttle window and take in the beauty of the mountains. The leaves of the trees around us were changing color and beginning to fall and the smells of autumn made my heart happy. It was November, but it felt like October had skipped itself completely. I had time once again to take in the world around me.
"I guess I feel like a weight is finally off my shoulders." I said. "At least the first half of it. I've always been so afraid of what everyone else thinks of me, you know?"
"You're a little perfectionist is what you are."
"I like standing out, I'm not shy or particularly introverted and can handle being in the spotlight, but there have always been rules regarding how I feel I need to present myself. I know how to dress properly and what to do and say in public settings. I know what a mans role is expected to be… but I know what a woman's is expected to be as well."
"So how do you want to fill that roll?"
"I want to be seen the same way my mother and sisters are. I don't want to be viewed as that trans girl… I just want to be a girl like everyone else is."
"But why not take pride in what makes you different?"
"Because I don't want to be different."
Honestly, it felt strange having Julia just listen to what it was I was saying without taking offense. I was confident in who I was as a girl, but being transgender involved picking up a label and openly accepting it, even if it made the world see me as different.
"Sometimes being different is something we have to accept." She said with a sigh. "My brother and I don't look like everyone else under our clothes, but there's not much we can do about it. It's part of who we are."
"Do you really look that different either, though?" I asked, knowing it wasn't my business.
"We're identical twins. I may have nothing to hide but talking about our bodies really isn't fair to my brother, though I have to warn you that if you keep asking me that I will retaliate and ask you about your dick too. It's awkward and an invasion of privacy. Do me a favor and next time I change in front of you just look and pretend you didn't."
I couldn't argue her point, really. She was open but only ever when Raul was nearby; she didn't talk about things involving him without his consent, or at least without his ability to stop her. She had also previously told me it was overall a rather offensive question, especially to ask more than once.
"I just wanna be me, you know?" I shrugged. "I don't want to be an icon for the gay community."
"Would it really be that bad?"
"It's not that… I mean, I don't really know how to explain it."
Even being multilingual didn't give me an advantage in figuring out what to say, an irony I couldn't help but smile at.
"Well, from what I'm aware being yourself means tonguing my brother so maybe keep just a little bit of it inside." Julia winked, a playful smile mocking me as she spoke.
"I already told you I didn't use tongue!"
"You're French, I don't believe you."
"It was my first kiss!"
"Exactly." She giggled. "Just think, if you hadn't made a move and scarred my brother your first kiss would have been Enrique shoving his tongue down your throat."
"Don't remind me." Enrique's mouth on mine had not been a particularly pleasant experience. There had been no romance involved and our lips hardly even touched before he shoved a wide open mouth in my face, tongue hanging out and all. It was awkward, disgusting and damn near traumatized me… I did find myself coming back to it at times, though. Outside of Julia I had no experience with being treated like a girl, Enrique had truly seen me as one, though. He had put his hands on me the way a man does a woman. "Hey Julia?" I asked, not looking at her and instead focusing on the window.
"Hm?"
"Have you ever had sex?"
She looked at me like I had cauliflower growing out of my ears, clasping a hand to her mouth before snorting loudly, an echo of erupted laughter following.
"I'm sorry," She giggled. "I swear I'm not laughing at you, that just caught me really off guard."
"Why?"
"I've literally never heard you talk about sex before."
"I'm no prude," I lied. "I just don't normally find it an appropriate topic. Sex is personal between two people."
"So then why are you asking?"
"I'm not planning on having it or anything. Absolutely not." I grunted with a roll of the eyes. "I mean, not anytime soon at least. Definitely not until college, if not longer."
"Saving yourself for marriage?"
"No…" Actually, I wasn't even sure if I ever wanted to get married. I'd never been in a relationship and was content with the pace I currently moved at. There was no need to try and speed anything up. "I'm not going to do something I'm not comfortable with or ready for, though."
"Again, so why are you asking?"
"Forget it."
"Look, I'm just saying that first you ask me about my genitals and now you're asking about my non existent sex life. It's not a good look for you."
I smirked, elbowing her gently.
"I'm trying to figure things out right now, but I don't really have anyone I can ask questions."
"Could you have just explained that before asking me weird shit?"
"I suppose it would have been a better response."
"No, I've never had sex." She smiled. "Not that I don't want to. The opportunity has never really come up and at the end of the day it might be better that way. We're still young, you know?"
"Yeah, I get that."
I wanted to wait until I was older and my sexual anxiety calmed itself. I wanted to wait until I was able to present myself as a girl, even if I still had no idea if I would ever have surgery regarding it. Julia said once that she didn't want it, I thought I might though.
"I do have a high sex drive, though." She giggled, causing me to blush darker.
"I didn't ask about that."
"Ask dangerous questions and you're gonna get dangerous answers, Livy Lou. It's human nature to rub one out once in awhile."
"Oh, shut up."
"Suck my dick."
Honestly, spending time with Julia sometimes felt like a really strange version of socializing with my friends. She was rude and sarcastic but well meaning. It was easy to feel comfort around her, even if my feelings weren't romantic. I liked having her as a friend.
"You're vile." I laughed.
Xxx
"Are you having a growth spurt?" Julia asked as she watched me eye myself in the mirror of her dorm.
"No… I accidentally bought Capri's instead of pants."
"At least you have nice ankles."
I smiled at her comment. I had shaved my legs in the shower the night before, both hoping no one would notice while also hoping everyone would. I couldn't stop touching the skin.
"I wish I could just go out in a skirt."
"What's stopping you? I'm wearing a dress."
"The weather for one." The nights were getting more than just a tad chilly lately and in many cases a winter coat was becoming necessary. "Are you sure you don't want to borrow a warmer jacket?"
"I'm a size bigger than you, none of your shit fits me. Plus your extra coat freaks me out and I'm not even a vegetarian."
"I already told you that rabbit fur doesn't mean what you think it means."
"Your gender identity won't be your biggest worry anymore once I have PETA on your ass."
"Shut up."
"Make me."
I smiled, it was always her response to being told to shut up and a tiny part of me feared that the day would come where someone would.
"I'm not comfortable wearing a skirt in public yet." I sighed.
"You're wearing leggings."
"Yoga pants."
"They're fucking Capri's Liv, you aren't winning this discussion."
Her words made me uncomfortable and for a moment I considered changing… I wore light make up but nothing on my eyes or lips. Nothing that would make me stand out.
"You know, if I straighten my hair it goes passed my shoulders."
I twirled a piece on my finger, taking a moment to admire myself before grabbing a beret off my hat rack.
"You look quite ambiguous today." Julia grinned.
"Pardon?"
"I can't tell if you're presenting male or female."
"I guess that's sort of the look I'm going for…"
"You need to wear different underwear, though. I don't know what your comfort level is regarding all of that but I feel like I should at least let you know that those pants give you a bulge."
My face dropped slightly in the mirror as I looked myself over one more time.
"Should I just wear something loose?"
"No, no! I didn't mean to make you self conscious. I've had plenty of days where I haven't bothered with it. I mean, I have less to work with than you do but still."
"If that's supposed to be a compliment I don't want it."
"Hang on, I have a few cotton panties I've never worn." She rummaged through her closet, grabbing a paper bag that looked like it came from a boutique of some sort. "Alright Polanger, pants off. I'll explain what I normally do."
A light blush filled my face, this time not coming from the make up I wore.
"I can just change in the bathroom…"
"I'm trying to help you. Like I said, if you're fine with it that's okay with me but if you want options I can explain them to you. I had to figure all of that shit out on my own."
"I'd just prefer privacy."
"No offense, but you don't act very French." Julia giggled. "If it makes you feel better I wasn't exactly planning on staring." She began to undress, pulling her shirt over her head as she pulled the dress she planned to wear from her closet. I turned away when she unbuttoned her pants, having zero idea what I was supposed to do even when she told me it was fine for me to look and that she had panties on. "I usually wear two pairs unless I'm worried I'll pop a boner or something, but you might want three."
I attempted to keep strong eye contact as she spoke, making sure she saw that they didn't wander. She had said so before that her body was none of my business, but this didn't seem to have anything to do with what she looked like naked. There was zero intimacy or erotic tension in the air and she spoke almost like a health teacher. It wasn't like her discomfort regarding my question about what she looked like, because it had nothing to do with her own body, but even though we did look different there was still an odd thought that made its way into my head. I had never seen a girl with a penis before…
In a weird sense, I suddenly felt more normal. Her being an identical twin didn't matter in the slightest in this circumstance; in fact I didn't think about Raul or his body at all.
Undressing from the bottom down, I mimicked what I had seen her do, annoyed that it didn't quite work out the same way for me.
"Don't worry too much about it." She smiled. "It doesn't have to be as flat as a pancake, no one is going to pay that much attention."
"Is this a normal thing for girls?" I asked, thankful that she said nothing about my body. I had never been naked in front of a girl before. "Is this why my little sister tried to sneak all of her training bras to a sleepover?"
"Okay that is just precious."
For a moment or two we just giggled, allowing time for a stronger bond to form within our friendship. I loved being around her; not in a sense that I felt anything deeper, but in a sense that I had never had a friendship like hers before. No matter what I looked like, she saw me as a girl. She allowed me to be myself.
Redressing ourselves, she put a hand in mine, and walked us to the door and outside, giving only a brief wave to her roommates as we passed.
"Anyway, there's a tea shop just on the other side of town I wanna look at." She began. "I mean, I've been there before but I'm low on some of the leaves I like."
"Isn't your brother coming with us?"
"Raul is still with his therapist, he'll be back soon but normally wants to be alone for a bit."
"Oh." I mumbled awkwardly. "Okay then."
I didn't bother asking why he saw a therapist, I knew she would tell me it wasn't my business. Either way, they were an odd family, keeping most of their private life to themselves even when Julia seemed to be an open book about everything else. I still couldn't seem to figure out where it was that they had come from or why they ended up here.
"Sound more disappointed, why don't you?" She laughed. "I thought you said you didn't have a crush on my brother anymore."
"I don't."
Raul didn't like me that way, and if I wanted to continue the route I was going down I needed to accept that. He couldn't make himself attracted to girls anymore than I could, even if I felt what was in my pants was less than ideal. He was cute; I was physically attracted to him, but we were never meant to be.
Taking my hand from hers, I pulled a cigarette pack from my pocket and tapped it on the palm of my hand.
"Must you?" Julia asked.
"You've asked me for one before."
"I was having a bad day, it's not like I do it habitually. I need to get you a pack of gum or something."
"Chewing gum looks unprofessional. Besides, almost all of my family smokes."
"I know, you literally told me your grandmother died from it."
"To be fair, she was also in her eighties."
Rolling her eyes at me, she at least dropped the subject for now. I had absolutely zero interest in quitting and had heard the reasons why I should so many times that I could puke.
"If you're gonna do something unhealthy anyway, should we grab some wine?"
"I know a lot of people do it, but we can actually get in a lot of trouble for having alcohol in our dorms. Even the ones who are eighteen and legally adults aren't supposed to have it on the property."
"The drinking age here is sixteen."
"I just mean that they're of age in general."
"Anyway, I was just gonna find a place to sit and share a bottle of wine before we head back."
"I suppose."
I actually could go for a nice red wine right now, something to take the edge off of the fact that I was currently in public and wearing women's clothes, even if you couldn't really tell unless you were paying attention. I had hoped that wearing black and white would help me blend in; then I had decided I looked too much like a mime and added a red beret and scarf… now I couldn't tell if I was too dressed up.
"There are a few different restaurants in the direction we're going. We'll be able to find one easily."
"Julia, I have been off school property before."
"I didn't realize you did anything other than study."
"Ai, chitón."
"OblÍgame."
She pushed herself into my playfully, myself doing it back to her in an uncharacteristically formal way. I never acted this way in public, focusing instead on posture and whether my clothes had any wrinkles.
Making the somewhat lengthy walk downtown, I decided now would likely be a good time to ask a few questions I was dying to know the answer to, even if I wasn't completely sure I would get one. I was blunt, though. It wasn't going to hurt to ask.
"Why does Raul see a therapist?" I mumbled.
"Have you met him…?"
"I mean, is there a reason he's so anxious all the time?"
"You already know what I'm going to say."
"I know it's not my business, but you're my friends and I feel like I know nothing about you."
She merely shrugged, beginning now to walk a bit faster.
"Look, Raul and I didn't have the kind of upbringing most of you fancy rich kids had. Let's just leave it at that."
"How did you end up here?"
"We just did."
I sighed, deciding to drop the subject before she became annoyed with me and instead pulling my phone from my pocket.
"Enrique hasn't replied to my text messages in two days." I mentioned, unable to think of anything else. "I hope he's doing okay."
"He has a newborn at home, what do you expect?"
"He's my best friend. I worry about him."
She smirked, clearly happy the attention was on me now.
"You also make out with him."
"Excuse me, he made out with me."
"Was it hot?"
"It was the exact opposite of hot."
Julia laughed, one of those contagious sort of laughs that you can't help but smile at even when you know you're the butt of the joke. I had dreamed about the kiss twice since it happened, my imagination taking away the awkward and disturbing bits of it and replacing them with fingers running through each others hair and the weight of his body on mine. I didn't like thinking about that, though… I had woken up confused and embarrassed for myself, worried that someone out there might be able to read my mind and knew what I had been thinking about.
I'd had to change my pajama pants once…
"Julia?" I asked. "May I ask one more personal question?"
"Do you accept that I might not answer?"
"How did your first kiss go? Did it make you feel any different?"
"Different how?"
"I mean, did you come back to it a lot? You know, think about it?"
"Ollie, you're sixteen years old quit acting like it's not normal for you to get horny."
"I just mean… things have been intense since. I've been having dreams and-"
"Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. I do not want to hear anything about your freaky ass dreams about my brother. What you wank to is your business!"
"I haven't!" I quickly stated in defense. "I don't- I mean… I don't really do things like that…"
"Is your lying ass really about to try and convince me that you don't jack off?"
I blushed. Now I was the one who didn't want to have this conversation. Was this how Julia felt during the times I asked her about her body?
"I'm not talking about this."
"You're the one who asked."
"You're the one who assumed I was talking about Raul."
She paused, raising an eyebrow at me.
"You weren't?"
"Why in the world would I tell you I had a dream about your brother?"
"So who are you jizzing your sheets over?"
I had to stop myself from yelling out that I had only done that once, deciding that it was less embarrassing to just ignore her. I was largely regretting that I had even brought it up, but I didn't understand my body very well. This was completely new territory that I had zero knowledge about. Sexual education had only been a small section of our human growth and development unit and we hadn't been tested on it, meaning I hadn't given much thought regarding what we had learned.
"Look," I sighed. "Just forget I said anything, it was a stupid thing for me to ask about."
It was just puberty. Nothing more and nothing less. I had only turned sixteen a month or so before school began and was young, meaning that hormones were starting to take over and were causing my head to fill with unusual thoughts regarding sex. After all, I had always been a bit of a late bloomer, which for awhile had caused my life to be much simpler.
Was that why I hadn't been able to identify my feelings regarding my own body? I wasn't done growing yet, but I was at the moment considered short for a biological male and had always been slender. It wasn't until the past year or so that I had begun looking like what my DNA said I should. I had more hair on my body, my voice had deepened, and I couldn't look in a mirror without hating what I saw.
Julia could only help so much with that.
"Let's stop and grab a bite to eat and have a drink." She said softly, touching a hand to my shoulder. "We can run errands later."
I simply nodded in agreement, keeping my eyes to the ground while following her. I wanted the confidence back that I had discovered after telling my sister who I really was… I didn't understand why it didn't stay longer.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel anymore." I mumbled. My mother hated when we mumbled. "I don't know what's normal."
"Normal is overrated."
"Not to me."
"That's because you don't know any better."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're a proper little rich kid. You maintain good posture and know what a salad fork is and what side of the plate it goes on. Your casual clothing is what most of us use as formal attire and you have no idea how much even basic essentials cost."
"Are you under the impression I don't know what a price tag is?"
"I'm under the impression that you've never bothered reading one in your life. I don't mean that as something bad, though. You say you wanna be normal, but to most of the world you already aren't."
The things she said stung a bit, even if they genuinely weren't meant to be taken as an insult. The way I was raised was normal, maybe not to everyone… but it was my normal. Just like how being openly and happily transgender was Julia's.
Was it mine now, too?
Grabbing an open seat at the outdoor patio of a small restaurant I had never been to before, I let a brief silence fall over the two of us. I wasn't offended or angry, but I was confused.
"Do people think I'm weird?" I asked. It was something I had never considered.
"Well, you're nickname at school is 'that French poof', so maybe a little." She gave me a playful look, hoping I would smile at her teasing. "But they call me 'dick girl' so I honestly think you're a step ahead."
"It's never really bothered me that they call me that. It just feels like something childish that doesn't have much in the way of real meaning. Besides, none of the other students target me. They say it in good fun, you know?"
"Calling you that isn't my version of fun."
"They don't mean harm. I mean, they used to call Johnny 'fire crotch'."
A giggle escaped Julia as she touched a hand to my shoulder before calling a young waitress to our table and ordering a bottle of wine. I think she knew I planned on paying, insisting she didn't actually want anything to eat at the moment until I just ordered for both of us, no longer giving her a choice in the matter.
"You know," She smiled, "When I first met you I didn't really expect you to be so thick skinned. Not that I thought you had low self esteem or anything, you definitely seem to love standing out, but I'm surprised at how little bothers you."
"I wouldn't say you act much different."
"I made a promise years ago that I would protect my brother no matter what. If they can't break me then they can't get to him."
"I don't understand."
"I know you don't, and I appreciate that you don't ask."
I nodded, breaking our discussion short as a small lunch mixed with a glass of red wine made it to our table and allowed the tension to settle. It was becoming obvious that Julia and Raul hadn't had it easy when growing up, hiding their story behind closed doors they refused to allow anyone else to enter. It was true that I didn't ask questions about it, it wasn't my business after all, but it ate away at me what secrets the two of them kept.
"Do you drink often?" I asked, smelling the wine that had been poured for us while giving it a slight twirl around the glass. It was some sort of Cabernet Sauvignon based on aroma alone, likely aged in an oak barrel with the slightest hint of vanilla standing out along an array of spices.
"Socially, mostly." She smirked. "I mean, don't expect me to meet you at a tasting or anything."
A small giggle escaped me as I sipped from the glass, which was rather pleasant for how inexpensive it was; I found myself rather enjoying it.
"I'll probably ask anyway."
"Speaking of asking, who are you having dirty dreams about?"
Blushing harshly, I set my wine glass down, turning my head in hopes that she wouldn't notice. After all, I was the one who originally asked the question. It was perfectly logical for her to want more details.
"It was stupid for me to ask about, you can just forget it."
"It's Enrique, right?"
She gave me a cheeky grin as I now stared at her like a deer in the headlights, a weight hitting my inner stomach as I tried coming up with some sort of excuse.
"No!" I lied. "Of course not, he's my best friend!"
"Your best friend you almost never stop talking about."
"He's going through so much right now. It's normal for me to worry about him, especially when I haven't heard from him in awhile."
"Look, I'm just saying… The kid is at home with a new baby right now and you're worried about the fact that he hasn't texted you as though he doesn't have a million other things to worry about right now. Not to mention all the times I've caught you staring at him during afternoon tea."
"It's impolite not to make eye contact when someone is speaking to you."
"There's also the fact that he's majorly crushing on you."
"He's interested in a girl he saw one time-"
"Two times."
"Who he didn't know was me. He doesn't even know I'm transgender."
"So why don't you tell him?"
I paused, my thoughts coming to a complete halt as I took in what she said. Tell him? The only people who knew were Julia, Raul and Yvette. I hadn't yet even told my friends that I liked men, let alone the fact that I was lying about being one. My family would be one thing, they had made it very clear that day that they loved me no matter what.
My team?
I had no idea what they would say.
"Even if I did have feelings for Enrique, which I don't, it wouldn't make any sort of difference. He likes girls, he's made that very clear."
"Liv, you are a girl."
"Internally, yes… but on the outside-"
"I'm going to stop you right there." Julia threw a hand in front of my face, causing me to jump back slightly. Her entire expression had turned from playful to serious. "Don't you dare let anyone tell you that your genitals are what makes you a boy or a girl, or assume that they matter to people."
"Of course they matter."
What was she talking about?
"Sexual orientation is not dictated only by what the other person has in their pants. There are people who's sexual preference is based on that, yes, but not everyone. There are and always have been straight men who are sexually attracted to trans woman, surgery or not."
Unsure what else to do, I sipped at my wine until it was empty, about to call the waitress over to pour another glass until Julia just grabbed the bottle and did it on her own.
"It's rude to serve yourself."
"No Princess, it's rude to take up a waitresses time because you want her to pick up a bottle for you."
All of the things she taught me continued bouncing around within my head, the sudden realization that I knew next to nothing about the world around me causing everything to spin. It was as if I had crash landed on a different planet that looked exactly like earth, but all of the social rules ran just slightly different. I had always prided myself on being one of the only members of my team who could take care of myself (for the most part). I knew how to cook, how to use the dishwasher and washing machine and took charge on cleaning up my own space, a significant difference from when Enrique had pounded on the door of my room the year before because he had spilled alcohol on the carpet and attempted to vacuum it, thankfully not wrecking the vacuum as he couldn't figure out how to turn it on anyway.
I really was just like them, though. I had grown up in luxury without ever having to worry about money or how we would keep food on the table. I had never had to check my bank account in order to figure out if I could afford something or wondered how much credit card dept I'd accumulated.
Silently, we downed glass after glass of wine, not taking notice of how much we'd had until my head started to spin.
"I think we may have overdone it." I smiled, blinking rapidly in an attempt to restore my normal vision. "We should get back to school."
"As if. I have shit to do."
Taking me by the hand, she pulled me up to my feet while grabbing the remaining wine that remained on the table, hardly noticing that I barely had any time to throw money down. Hell, I didn't even look at the bill, I just threw what I had and hoped the waitress would keep the change.
"Where are we going?"
"There's a boutique around here I wanna check out. Then we can get our nails done or get matching tattoos or sisterly shit like that."
"Do you have the slightest idea what my parents would do to me if I came home with a tattoo? Besides, we aren't eighteen here."
"We aren't eighteen anywhere else either, dummy."
"No, I mean no one would do it here without our parents present."
"Bring me with you next time you go home, we can do it there."
"I'm not taking you to France so you can get a tattoo."
"I mean, not just a tattoo. I want a macaron too."
We both leaned over in a fit of giggles, trying to see how much more we could drink without having to give up and abandon the bottle. We wouldn't be allowed in anywhere while still carrying it. The freedom of being drunk had calmed my nerves dramatically, allowing me to bring out the version of myself I rarely did in public. It was a cruel irony that I was currently happily abusing the state I had recently begged Enrique to rid himself off, smiling as Julia and I continued to bump into one another as we walked.
"Do you really think I talk about him too much?" I asked.
"Who?"
"Enrique. You said I talk about him a lot."
"I mean, you're talking about him right now, aren't you?"
"Yeah but that's because you said I always do."
She elbowed me, causing me to stumble and just barely catch myself, laughing as I did the same maneuver to her. I had only been drunk a few times in my life and in only one of those instances, a small gathering we had at Robert's castle, hadn't involved adult supervision. Johnny had spent the entire night bragging about how great he was at holding his liquor before projectile vomiting everywhere, passing out and peeing himself.
"Did you have sex dreams about him before he kissed you?" Julia asked.
"No, never."
"Had you ever had a wet dream before?"
"Don't ask me shit like that."
"You're such a fucking prude, you would be so vanilla in bed."
"I already told you I'm not interested in sex. I mean, my body reacts to things, sure… but I'm just not ready for anything like that. Besides, you said yourself that you were a virgin."
Normally I would have shut the conversation down by now, instead allowing the alcohol to do the talking for me. She wanted to embarrass me and I wasn't going to let it work.
"I'm not the one pretending I don't wank." She laughed. "Given, if it were to Enrique I probably wouldn't admit it, either."
"You can't sit there and claim he isn't attractive."
"I can absolutely claim that."
I couldn't tell if I was warm from the wine, or because I was blushing. The current thoughts in my head were nothing I had ever considered before, not even after our kiss had happened. I felt strange when I thought about him from this point of view and had to wonder…
Did I have feelings for him?
"He's my best friend. He would never like me that way."
"Your best friend would literally fuck anything with a pulse."
I smirked, finishing what was left in the wine bottle and handing it to Julia to dispose of, watching as she walked over to a recycling bin, threw it in with a crash and came back. We were nearing a small garden walk and decided to venture in, working hard to keep our steps in line and not stumble.
"You know," I giggled, hoping to get back at her for some things she'd said. "If your brother had been into it when I kissed him, I totally would have tried making out with him."
"Is that why you made out with Enrique instead?" She shot back. "Were you just horny that night?"
"Okay, that is not what happened! All I tried to do was get him into bed in one piece so he didn't pass out on the bathroom floor. It all happened really fast and like- I don't know. I had a full face of make up on."
"So, do you think he was trying to fuck you?"
"You don't have to say it like that!"
The idea had crossed my mind, even if I still didn't fully believe Enrique himself was the reason behind any of my current sexual feelings. A boy had put his hands on me, though… there was no reason to expect my body not to react to it. I had hormones just like everyone else did.
"Look, I'm just saying that most people when they awaken sexually are hitting the point where they want to start fooling around with another person. Your body is just asking you to wank more often before bed." She was unable to hide her laughter when speaking, falling into a fit of giggles as she finished the sentence. "Could you be any fucking cuter? You act like you're still a preteen."
Although she had said herself that I was thick skinned, something about her words hurt this time. It may have been because I was drunk, it may have been because of feelings I was discovering… I didn't know. What I did know was that tears were currently threatening to flow, ignoring the fact that I had been fine mere seconds ago.
"Why would I experiment on a body I can't even stand to look at?" I sighed, stopping my pace and instead remaining at a standstill on the grass trail we walked. The colored leaves I had viewed as beautiful when we first found this path I now found myself overlooking, instead focusing on the unpleasant bare branches they left behind. When covered, they were hidden from the world, but every year they were forced to face the truth. The beauty was a lie. "My body never used to bother me… I mean, I didn't think I was ugly or anything and I've had girls call me cute. I didn't love what I saw but I didn't hate it."
"You don't have to hate your body to be trans."
"I know that. I want to know why I do, though."
"Our bodies don't look the same as when we were kids anymore. Once upon a time our bottom halves were the only things that were different, but once we hit puberty they start changing."
She had a point… I had a feminine build overall but my shoulders were broad and I had no hips or butt. I didn't look the way my brain told me I was supposed to.
"Do you wanna go clothes shopping?" I asked, managing the smallest of smiles. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, maybe I was just ready to be myself… all I knew for sure was that I didn't want to hide anymore. "My treat, plus I'm drunk so I literally won't care what you buy."
"Only if you get your nails done with me."
"It's a deal."
I was finally ready for the day I had been dreading.
Enrique would be back soon… and I was going to tell him.