Chapter 12- Murmur
"Jay? Hey man, can you hear me?" Bradford was a little dissed that his amazing welcome back one liner got nothing in response. He'd been sitting on that one for a little bit now. The three of them watched as Jay squinted against the room's dim lighting, taking longer blinks than normal but sure enough opening his eyes again and again. By the fourth time he blinked back at everyone, all three of them were most certainly in his purview now. Perhaps it was all a little too much for Jay right about them, too many faces or things to figure out at this very point in time. Because the heart monitor started ticking up, Jay's chest pumping a little faster then it had this whole hospital stay. The surprising thing was that he wasn't gagging on the tube, which also wasn't very good news. He was fighting off panic or in the process of freaking out.
"Jay, can you squeeze my hand," Bradford questioned on, now taking a seat on the edge of Jay's left side, grasping his patient's hand in his and waiting while mouthing to the nurse in the room to go get something. Will and Hailey took a step back, fearing the worst. Jay was doing so well and now…they didn't even want to think about that right now. They had made it, the danger and severity of things was supposed to be behind them. They watched in quiet horror as Jay continued to breathe harder and his heart rate increase with every exhale.
"Bud, I need you to squeeze my hand. Come on, right here," Bradford coaxed once more, doing the task of squeezing Jay's hand. He pulsed it a couple times, refusing to lose Jay's vision as his eyes continued to roam around the room. But mercifully, the tactile sensation of someone grabbing his hand seemed to break the mild issue at hand. The heart rate was still ticking too high, but the breathing slowly inched back to being more under control. Jay was too weak to really move just then, was still not fighting the vent, so movement was not able to be viewed by Will and Hailey. It was the quick and relieved smirk that spread across Bradford's face that gave them the cue Jay was conscious and answering commands. It was a very faint squeeze and super quick, not much more then what he was getting when they performed the neuro tests while Jay was lost in his deep coma. But despite the super strong effort, it was enough to let Bradford, and the whole world, know that Jay was awake and listening and answering.
"Good job, Jay. Good job," Bradford praised as a still extremely drugged Jay glanced at him, showing more signs that he was listening, was awake, was truly starting to emerge into the newfound trauma in his life. Will and Hailey seemed to cool their fears for a moment, taking but a step back towards Jay and Bradford but was very quickly met with a mild, but stern hand wave. In an instant they remained right at the end of the bed, daring to not question or ruin things. They hated that they weren't there to see him and get those first moments of reuniting, but they had to remind themselves that that was coming, and hopefully very soon.
"Jay you're in the hospital. You're safe, but we're going to give you something that will help you feel a little more relaxed." Bradford calmly and very controlled spoke to Jay once more blinking and more eye locking happened between the two of them. The nurse who ran for the mystery drug had returned by now, handed off the syringe to Bradford while he was speaking. Bradford raised the syringe for Jay to see, watching his eyes lazily blink once before he found an IV line and plunged the syringe's contents into Jay's system.
"It's just Versed, you'll feel a lot better in a couple seconds. You still have that tube in so you can't speak, but I need you to rest for a little bit. We'll start worrying about taking that thing out once you're more alert." In pure Jay Halstead fashion, Jay found a way to very minutely, yet fully nod his head once as the drugs did their thing. It was almost instantaneous, the heart rate dropped back down to normal ranges, Jay's whole body relaxing as adjusting to things as the chilling, yet calming drug rippled through his whole person. It was very obvious to see he was fighting things, wanting to stay with the world that he truly knew nothing of, but the powerful sedative was winning out. It always did, Versed being no match for any form of human strength.
"See you in a little bit," Bradford bid farewell with as Jay's eyelids grew heavier and more unable to blink back awake. Just as soon as Jay pushed and jerked himself into consciousness, he was gone. Life that was assumed to be in everyone's past had returned. Jay was out to the world, he had resumed his almost comatose state as machines and medications kept his very fragile body alive. It was almost saddening to witness, the two family members hating that he was very awake for such a short amount of time only to be taken away once more. But in due time they'd come to know these spurts of alertness would be a newfound normal.
"So what was all of that," Hailey finally chimed in with, interrupting Bradford who was typing and quietly ordering more things for Jay and the mission of keeping him alive and comfortable. Only when he'd finished his first priority did he look over at Hailey, nodding his head in the direction of the door. Will was the first to head out, his curiosity winning his desire to watch Jay sleep. He held the door for Hailey, who took her dear sweet time in observing Jay sleep. Gone was the eye twitching or the sleep movements and looks that he once had. In no time at all she hated Versed, or any drug that put Jay out so harshly and deeply. It felt like his spirit had left the world, that they were back to this adventure's beginnings in a way. Only when Will whispered her name from behind and she turned to see that she was holding everything up did she finally break from her resting place at the end of the bed.
"Be right back, Jay," she whispered before brushing a hand over his socked and blanket covered right foot. She expected to get a twitch or flex of a reaction, but instead it was silence and nothing. They had to get past this stage of things, part of her almost wished he hadn't woken up the way he did. She felt robbed, if she was being totally honest. She wasn't there when this whole thing went down, but there was no way she wasn't going to be a very present force when he emerged. And if they were counting the last few moments as his true first return to the world, then there was no denying things. She missed the opportunity and screwed up once again. Safe to say it was nearly impossible for her to not stare back at his mostly frosted door as the rundown was spoken. She could only make out outlines or paint a picture of what Jay was doing right then, but for him she was more than willing to take that.
"So…" Bradford began, sighing as he closed his eyes, craning his neck from side to side as his neck popped and cracked against the tiredness and earliness of the day.
"He's definitely responding to audible commands and appears to understand sensation, so those are really good signs." Will nodded, stifling a yawn as the neurosurgeon continued. It was 5:20am now, shift changes would be happening in a little over an hour, yet life on that ICU floor was extra quiet now. Part of him felt bad they were out here, but he assumed they were here so they didn't disturb Jay. Plus, it's not like the other people on this floor were alert and they weren't speaking all that loud. Bradford went on.
"He's definitely still coming to, so we can't fully assess the potential damage or setbacks, but right now I'm concerned that he's not fighting the vent. Usually episodes like that will trigger a fight or mild struggle, but he hasn't tried that at all yet."
"Wait, you told him we'd work on getting it out once he woke up again," Hailey cut in, thinking she'd caught Bradford in a lie or false promise made to Jay. Which was something she was not about to stand for.
"Well that is the next very big hurdle, is to get him breathing independently. This is the case with all brain traumas and surgeries. There is always a risk that they never come off the vent."
"But you said he fought it after surgery," Will spoke up.
"He did, it's very true. Look, I don't want to over promise here or mislead you guys, but there is always a chance of patients never coming off a ventilator. Once you've been on it for awhile, it can be hard to regain that independence; especially if you've been on it awhile like he has. Let's remember we're at a week with that thing and he's been through a whole lot during that timeframe.
"But he woke up, he was connecting with us," Hailey spoke once more. Bradford shrugged, shook his head a couple times before continuing with things.
"Yes, he did. But that could also be as alert and conscious as he'll ever get. I still say it's too early. Let's keep in mind we put him through more surgery yesterday." Hailey nodded, remembering that it had become a new day already. Honestly everything was blurring into one another. Life felt to be falling into one of two categories: pre-nightmare and current life. She just prayed they moved into a whole new spectrum of things…soon. She really couldn't take the waiting and dread for much longer.
"I will be back in a couple of hours to check on him, let's see if he makes anymore big gains this morning. He may wake up again, but if he does keep things very calm and normal. He's definitely scared. Remember, when he was last conscious he wasn't even on this continent. There's going to be a lot of fear or just stress because of the lack of not knowing anything."
"So was what just happened him freaking out?" Bradford nodded.
"It was most likely an oncoming panic attack. It can happen, especially when someone has been through all that he's been through. I figured since I was the last one to see him that he'd calm down if it was just me, but if you're there when he next wakes up my hope is he doesn't freak out. But again, calm and normal. That's really what he needs right about now. And worst case, we keep drugging him till he does settle down."
"Which would delay everything else," Will offered. Bradford nodded as he cleared his throat.
"Okay, I'll let you guys get back in there. But overall he's doing really well. Don't worry too much about the ventilator thing. I don't know him as well as you two, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he's incredibly stubborn and I'm sure he'll get off that vent before too long."
"Aint that the truth," Hailey joked, the three of them experiencing a rare smile and chuckle. Bradford was the first to break from their little huddle, per usual, promising to be back a little after 7am. He was exhausted, they all were really. Whenever Jay got out of this place they all really needed a solid month long vacation.
When they returned to the room Jay was still just as passed out and drugged as he was when they left, but the fact he was still sound asleep and steady was enough for everyone at that point. The nurse had dimmed the lights even more as she parted ways with everyone, soon only the green and red and blue flickering lights of the IV pumps and machines all around them lit up the place. In a very weird, twisted way Hailey joked just to herself they were back in the club days, the 'strobe lights' keeping up with the beat as they danced and drank the night away. She and Jay never got to have those kind of days, and her assumption was they'd never happen now given Jay's current condition and assumed setback outcome. As she closed her eyes and tried drifting off to sleep, all she pictured was the stupid image of herself actually at a club, wearing a super short and tight dress while fisting some overly priced cocktail that was housed in a plastic, flimsy glass. The beat was super loud, drowning out any kind of life issues or thoughts that didn't pertain to the music and atmosphere that was residing in the room. She bobbed her head to the music, swayed a little before attempting some kind of club dance. Drinking, dancing, freedom, she was truly enjoying herself. And then the cry for help sounded out, a loud shriek and calls once more for help echoed in the room. The voices were saying that someone was down, that he was down. The music ceased as everyone stopped and stood shocked and abhorred as Jay was collapsed on the ground, unconscious and clearly under the spell of some kind of seizure.
"Did something happen? What's going on with Jay," Hailey immediately shot up with, blinking herself out of the nightmare and realizing she was back in present time.
"Hailey? Are you okay," Will asked in a rather concerned tone, watching as his sister-in-law had basically snapped out of a deep sleep into a wide awake panic in the snap of a finger. As she looked around the room, noting that Jay was very much still asleep and not enduring the effects of a seizure, she could feel her own heart racing as fast as Jay's was not too long ago. It was so incredibly real, and frightening, and she prayed that never came to fruition. Her eyes drifted to Jay's chest, her panic and racing self easing but a little as she watched his chest move up and down in a very normal and controlled way. He was okay, he was not suffering from a seizure, it was all a horrible nightmare.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she eventually answered, slowly lowering herself back down on the flattened recliner, pulling the blankets closer to herself as she kept her gaze on Jay. Sleep began to win out, her eyelids slowly closing as she prayed the nightmare didn't pick up where it left off. Will and Hailey never spoke about this little moment ever, just more things they allowed to leave while they struggled for the overall goal. Hailey's final thought for awhile was that it truly was all a dream. She couldn't fathom that being a premonition of what was to come.
…
It didn't take long for Jay's light sleeping habits to resume. He slept through the 7am check-in, giving a little hand squeeze and eyelid flutter to let the world know he was alive and somewhat conscious. He wasn't fully back and still rather tired, but it was enough to keep the peering eyes and worried minds at ease for a little bit. He was incredibly depleted and still trying to figure out how to get back fully, but he was alive and doing well considering every single thing wrong at the moment. But by midmorning things started shifting. Jay started experiencing what Bradford would refer to as 'reboots.' Like any electronic device, the human brain had to try rebooting itself into the state it truly belonged in. Things needed to be tested, attempted several times before it fully came back. So much like some aged and once still computer system, Jay's brain truly put him through some odd stuff. The first being that he was an incredibly light sleeper. He'd always been that way, but now it felt to be on steroids. If Hailey adjusted in her chair, the eyelids would immediately fly open and his whole body would tense in a scare. He still hadn't registered that she or Will was there, but he seemed to be hearing things at a supersonic, almost super power ability.
And forget when check-ins happened. Any kind of touch set him off, his body in full shakes and tension as Bradford did his very best to coax him back to normal ranges. Jay was very much scared, very clueless on what was going on around him, so many unknowns that it only made Will and Hailey dread the inevitable telling of Jay's life that much heavier. No way was it going to be a one and done thing. Part of them expected this whole thing to be what you saw in the movies and TV shows. Jay would wake up, get the tube pulled out, and they'd simply retell him all that had happened and he'd thank them immensely for their heroic efforts. But as vial after vial of medication went into his system, all just trying to keep Jay's stats stable and him normal so as not to induce more issues, it was becoming incredibly apparent that this, this acceptance of everything was going to be the challenge of a lifetime. They all wanted to get to this point, but now being so close to it they were beyond scared. It was a whole new deep end to dive in, no one knowing the bottom of it all or the journey it would take to keep Jay sane and afloat. It was easy to understand why they were so quiet that morning and early afternoon. Part of it had to do with keeping Jay asleep, but for the most part it was embracing the calm before the storm, the appreciation for the calm and silence before it was filled with questions, doubts, perhaps some anger, but most definitely confusion. Hailey's growling stomach lurched her out of a daydreaming spell a little after 3pm that day. It was a low gurgle that rippled across her near caved in middle, Hailey terrified it would wake up Jay and the rest of the floor around them. She closed her eyes, anticipating the nerves that would come from Jay's very scared self, but much to her surprise he slept through the whole thing, a brief moment of relief sighing out of her. But Will took that as his cue. Through all of this he'd become food and drink sergeant. If for no other reason, he felt it his duty to care for Hailey while Jay was fighting for things. It was the unofficial brother-in-law thing to do. He knew if the roles were reversed Jay wouldn't flinch to take on the task of whoever Will's person was. So getting up and leaving things wasn't an issue for Will. He was on his feet before too long, gingerly putting his phone down on the seat as he stretched his arms before whispering.
"What would you like from the food hall today?" The two of them smirked as Hailey's stomach growled a second time, not as loud as before, but the two of them heard the call for sustenance.
"Surprise me," she blushed back, holding her stomach so as to quiet things down. Will nodded, sighing as he turned to glance over at Jay who was still sound asleep, looking to be dreaming the afternoon away. Will noted the dancing eyelids, the quick toe flinch before heading towards the door. Promising to be back soon Will slunk behind the frosted sliding glass door, leaving Hailey to sit and hold her breath and pray nothing bad happened while she was alone with things. She busied herself with some random Kindle selection. She'd texted everyone in her contact list that she could, read every random article about Jay's condition and myriad of other things on and around him, not to mention if she peered into one more stupid article or breaking story about a celebrity couple or the latest explosion in politics she was going to snap. Nothing mattered more than what was happening in that room. No person or event or being was going to topple seeing Jay make it through this. Inviting the outside world, via her phone, into the chaotic storm that was already going on in their lives was not necessary. So in the sinking boat that was life at the moment, she needed to cut out some weight in an effort to stabilize things. That's when she turned to the fictional world of reading. She never was a big one for books or worlds that didn't exist, but since her real one was basically shit she felt no other choice to but try made up ones for awhile. Honestly at this point she was just reading words, but not really comprehending any of them. Reading was keeping her mind from racing into a tailspin and panic attacks pertaining to all things Jay. It was a struggle, but she hadn't had a proper breakdown in a couple days now, so something was working.
She was mid scrolling from one page to the next when she spotted the hand out of the corner of her eye. Her book was about some girl on a beach, chasing after some guy or his brother?! She really wasn't sure. She was halfway through the book, which sent out confetti and balloons on her Kindle app as she turned into the second half of the story, but Hailey failed to celebrate or even note the celebratory milestone because her real world was about to reach one. The phone all but collapsed into the crevice between her leg and the seat cushion as she leaned over a little to grab a hold of the hand that was moving back and forth against the blankets. His hand was still cluttered with so many medical things, but even still his fingers managed to pull into a very weak fist before going flat out again, as if he was feeling things for the first time, trying to grab ahold of whatever he could clasp onto. So imagine Hailey's pure joy and surprise when she slipped her hand into his and felt him grip right back.
"Hey," she did her very best to calmly greet Jay. It took everything to swallow the shock and amazement and freakout from her external self, and her efforts in trying to be normal came out more as a squeak than anything else. But for the first time ever, Jay did not freak out or begin panicking over being awake. Instead he blinked several times, looking around the room for whatever had spoken in his direction before finally finding her beaming face. For the first time in a week no, several weeks now, the two of them were locking looks in the same room. Gosh they had been through absolute hell to get to this very moment. But as Hailey gently squeezed his hand and he flinched back, it was all completely worth it.
"I'm right here. Everything is okay," she calmly spoke, doing her very best to keep breathing as he just stared at her, blinking very slowly a couple times before glancing around the room. The ventilator kept doing its thing, Jay still not bothered by any of it, but in that very quick moment Hailey didn't care. Jay was here, with her, and alive and the two of them finally making contact. Everything else didn't matter right then. Hailey was forever grateful that Bradford had thought ahead to have Jay's bed elevated a little, allowing him that ability to see where he was as he began resurfacing. She couldn't imagine waking up to all of this and only seeing the ceiling, or nose-up shots of people who were saying things that didn't make any sense. When Jay squeezed her hand tight this time, she was right there doing her very best to figure out what he was trying to communicate.
"What, are you okay?" Jay squeezed tight once more, a quick hand squeeze, but clearly in some kind of distress.
"Hey, don't be scared. You're okay, Jay." Hailey tried calming him by placing her other hand over their locked hands, but all she got was another slow blink, tears dripping out of the corner of his eyes one at a time as he reopened.
"Hey hey, it's okay," Hailey sighed, letting go of Jay's hand as she ran to the other side of the bed, grabbing a tissue from the box before going to Jay and hovering it for him to see.
"It's just a tissue," she told before blotting under his eyes. But that didn't seem to be the answer Jay was looking for, because now his other hand was trying to latch onto hers, Hailey taking his hand in and running through the endless list of things that could be going wrong. Suddenly the lightbulb went off in her mind, internally smacking herself for not thinking of it first.
"Are you in pain," she nervously asked, already reaching for the call light as Jay closed his eyes and moved his head in a way that was convincing enough to be a nod. Thankfully Jay's call light seemed to be watched like a hawk at all times. The nurse was there in minutes, Bradford right behind her in a mild pant as he broke into the room.
"Hey, what happened," he asked, observing the scene in front of him.
"I think he's in pain. His eyes are also tearing up," Hailey nervously blurted out as Bradford maneuvered his way to Jay's side.
"Hey man, sorry about the pain," Bradford glanced over at things as he pulled the penlight out, testing it as he always did before moving up to Jay's eyes.
"Sorry, this is not going to be fun," he apologized as he flicked things over one eye at a time before sweeping the whole vision. Jay winced and did his best to keep things locked up, proving that a blinding light in the middle of a pain spike was truly no fun. Nothing was in the danger zone, thankfully this mild flare for the dramatics nothing more then a pain spike.
"Everything looks good. Let's get him some dilaudid."
"So it's just pain?"
"Yeah, when there's a sudden change and to the point his eyes are tearing up, it can either mean something else is going on or he's just reached a pain threshold. Luckily I think it's the second option this time."
"I never thought I'd be happy to have him just in pain," Hailey sighed as the nurse returned with the miracle relief Jay sought. Hailey was busy carefully cleaning the tears away from Jay's eyes and cheeks as Bradford locked things into another IV line and sent the narcotic to where they were desperately needed.
"You're doing great, Jay. This will help with that pain." It took another few seconds, but before long Jay was back to drifting between consciousness and sound asleep. He was really fighting it now, part of Hailey happy to see him trying to stay with them. She took his hand into hers once more, not losing sight of him as the powerful drugs were having their way with him.
"Love you, Jay," she spoke just before he slipped back into a drug induced haze. However, what appeared to be Jay's last ditch effort to communicate with this world was a hand squeeze her way. It was so small, very weak, but the fact it came so soon after she said that was proof enough to her that he was reciprocating the same thought. Bradford promised to return before long, thanking Hailey for calling them in as soon as she did, but she was barely holding off the tears to say anything to Bradford. Just as the surgeon was closing the door, Hailey placed her head on the edge of Jay's bed, sobbing in complete comfort and relief that somehow, someway, Jay was still aware of her and in some random fashion loving her. She had no clue if that was actually what he meant, and certainly didn't answer the mountain sized questions that loomed above them, but for just this blip on the timeline, it was so shocking and joyful that that moment between them happened. After everything she'd been through these last weeks, that was a massive victory and a worthwhile moment to say the least.
"What happened," greeted her sob session before too long, the voice of Will reentering the picture allowing Hailey to lift her head off the bed. Her beet red face of emotions met his very concerned and nervous expression.
"Oh…oh no no, everything is fine," she sniffed while wiping the still rippling tears away.
"Ssssooooo why are you crying," Will questioned on, taking a step into the room before sliding the door behind him closed.
"He squeezed my hand," she spoke up, still wary of Jay resting and that things had to remain quiet, but still it felt so good to say that line.
"He squeezed my hand after I said 'love you.'" Good grief, she was sounding like the desperate teenager in her book, this whole thing was straight out of the cheesiest summer love story you'd ever come across. Look at what Jay had turned things into. But Will seemed to get what she was saying, eyes going larger then normal as he approached the bed some more.
"Hailey, that's great," Will whispered, handing her a bottle of regular Coke before diving into his bag of goodies.
"I mean, I don't know if it was in response to me saying that or if it was just some kind of reflex…but he squeezed my hand. We finally got to have some kind of communication."
"Hailey, don't read too into it. That was big," Will reassured. Hailey sighed, looking back at Jay and finding it impossible not to be proud of him. For the first time in forever, she felt a glimmer of hope for him, for them, for whatever the new future was. Perhaps their story wasn't over just yet.
Another very apparent thing that seemed to survive the whole brain trauma and multiple surgeries ordeal was Jay's deep hatred for needles. It was strange, how everyone wanted Jay to rest yet they also seemed to be needing testing and blood draws done at an exact time period, foregoing any kind of effort to keep Jay asleep and resting. It was a very unusual seesawing of things, Will and Hailey not sure which was more important to the random medical team: Jay sleeping or knowing what his creatinine and CBC was at that exact moment in time. To them, none of that seemed more important than Jay resting. But to every other medical personnel on that ICU floor, it felt to be the exact opposite. Will being the medical guy knew they needed to track things and verify that Jay was overall doing well and improving, but on the family member side of things he wished they'd better planned things around check-ins or Bradford visits. Holding off the sea of curious minds and inquiring, studious minds appeared to be over. The floodgates of peering in on Jay felt to be on a steady stream, this only be the start of what was to come. Just wait till he was able to be more awake and verbal. But all that was soon to come.
The first sign of Jay's great dislike of things rolled in into the early evening, the routine blood work person knocking on the door and waving as she entered. It was then announced that blood work time was upon them, up until this point that wasn't a big deal. Prior to this Jay was too out of it or in a deep coma to really care what was happening to him, but just as the vials were lined up and the blood draw needle was jammed into the bend of his elbow, Jay's eyes shot wide open, the most alert and awake he'd been since resurfacing.
"Hey there," the nurse performing the blood draw greeted, that being the cue to Will and Hailey that check-in time had arrived.
"Hey Jay," Will greeted, watching as Jay slowly closed his eyes in tiredness, and fear they'd all too soon find out. In no time at all the heart monitor started dancing once more, tracking a little higher and faster paced as vials were clicked in and out of the blood draw contraption.
"Jay? You doing okay," Hailey nervously asked, watching the heart rate crest over a hundred beats per minute, soon the pressure catching up with things.
"How many left?"
"Just a couple more," the nurse calmly responded.
"He's afraid of this kind of stuff," Hailey quietly informed, trying to not let it be verbalized that Jay was getting his blood drawn. The nurse just shrugged her shoulders, saying she was under orders and would be done soon. If these people hadn't helped play a role in saving Jay's life Hailey seriously would've sworn these people out of the room. She fully understood what they were trying to do and knew their intentions were good, but every once in awhile she got in her deep defensive mode. There was no way she was going to just sit back and let them torture her husband as she didn't bat an eyelash and smiled along the way. But one look from Will, one that told her it would be fine and that one day these massive moments would be totally forgotten, the fire and fury in her eyes settled a little. Instead Hailey roved under the blankets and around things to find Jay's hand that was very much shaking in fear.
"It's okay, Jay. It'll be over soon," she did her best to coax, watching him blink in submission but still very much fearful and clueless on what was going on. As promised, the mean lady with the massive needles and stolen vials of blood was over before too long, Jay's reward for being a well behaved patient a generic bandaid and allowance for a few more minutes of sleep till the next wave of onlookers came their way. Honestly this room was starting to feel like an exhibit at the zoo instead of an ICU room.
"Hailey, they're just trying to help," Will spoke once it was back down to them.
"I know, I just hate that this is happening now. He needs to rest," Hailey said as she watched Jay drift back to sleepville.
"Hailey, just let them work." She sighed, knowing he was right. But still, it didn't help very much that he was scared and clueless and just trying to rest. He was never going to get the tube out of his throat if he kept getting awakened to torture.
And things did not let up in the least. If it wasn't blood work getting done, it was reflex tests and command cues that were given so frequently and always minutes after Bradford had just performed things. So much poking and prodding and just staring that even Will was getting worn down with things. Jay's vision was blinded many times that evening and early nighttime hours, when the staffing turnover happened it felt like the exact same tests and blood work that had been pulled earlier were done all over again. Part of Will and Hailey felt that they were doing it just to say they'd worked on the miracle patient, the history making one. And it was true, medicine firsts were happening in this room, but that day to gawk and discover things wasn't the time. He wasn't a cadaver, but a real live human that truly just wanted to rest and recover. It pained Hailey every time someone came in, part of her getting a little perturbed that Bradford wasn't putting a full stop to things. When it was brought up around the 11pm check-in, he said he'd held things back for as long as he could and would try to keep things to a minimum in the overnight hours. But it was seriously every hour, getting so bad that Jay was truly scared and freaked out every time his ICU room door slid opened. His first true returns to the world seemed to be nothing but pain and hurt and things that scared him. No wonder he was beyond nervous and freaked out, his first physical touches post-surgery were met with sharp pains and just very unpleasant situations. So in those rare times when he would awaken and someone wasn't there to test him, Hailey and Will made sure to be holding his hand or just touching somewhere on him that he knew was safe and okay. They desperately wanted to be that calm and loving thing that reminded him it was okay on this side of things. Hailey was ready to raise some hell hours ago, but it was very early in the morning hours that Will's patience finally ran out, and my goodness the poor little intern that got to experience Will's wrath.
Jay was very much still under the power of the many drugs he was on, very much groggy and clueless based on the everything that was wrong with him. But as he very slowly and eventually returned to the world now as that precious little intern crested the ICU room's four walls, Jay let out a little whimper over the tube for his great dislike in what was coming next. Honestly none of them knew what this visit was for, but figured it would include doing something to Jay that he greatly hated.
"Hey, it's okay," Hailey was quick to speak up, bravely smirking at Jay as the little intern nodded his head in a greeting as he slid the door closed. Hailey was too consumed with keeping Jay stable and looking at her to really notice what was going on behind her, but Will and his ever curious and thorough self caught on very quickly to what was to come. The lack of vials and blood draw needles was the first sign that things were off, but when he pulled out the long sleeve of an extra large cotton swab on a very long stick, that was where Will knew he had to speak. Hoping he never crossed paths with this kid again and was well aware he was an employee of this hospital and would potentially have to answer for his actions, Will knew what he had to do. Cue the older brother protection mode.
"No, you're not doing that to him," Will calmly but sternly spoke, standing from his seat and literally making a human barrier between Jay and the nameless intern.
"Will," Hailey spoke up, absolutely shocked that Will was doing this. All bets were on her to behave this way before Will broke, so imagine her wide eyes and shocked expression as she watched the kid try and dance around Will who wouldn't so much as bat an eyelash out of the kid's way. After a couple very awkward and quiet sidesteps the kid finally spoke up, clearly not getting that Will was a doctor and could very quickly deduct what he was trying to do.
"It's just a quick corneal reflex test," the kid rather stupidly spoke up.
"It won't take but a couple seconds." Will rolled his eyes, doing everything he could to stifle the oncoming snicker and evil laugh that was bubbling up inside of him.
"No, you're not doing that. Do you not see he's awake and looking right at you? He's alert, he's stable, his corneas are doing just fine. Now, before I get you out of this internship program I'm going to need you to turn around and leave." It seemed the stiff finger point in the direction of the exit that was what did things in. The kid did not pester on, did not try and talk Will into letting this mystery test move forward, he just spun on his heels and was out the door.
"Sorry Jay, just go back to sleep," Will reassured, grabbing Jay's hand and squeezing it, waiting till Jay had closed his eyes once more before letting go.
"Well look at you," Hailey teased.
"Will Halstead snapping." The weight of the last few minutes seemed to hit Will hard, he just about collapsed onto his seat, cradling his head in his hands as he sighed and moaned out loud in exhaustion and frustration for the day.
"I'm sorry…I just could not hold back anymore," he blushed, which only made Hailey smirk in pride and humor over how out of character that whole thing was. Will Halstead being a badass, apparently it was a Halstead trait. Jay just seemed to ooze it way more than his brother.
"Oh stop, I'm proud of you," Hailey teased, watching Will slowly shake his head before running his hands down his face, momentary red marks following behind. He was depleted, they all were. Again, that month long trip was so tempting.
"What was he trying to do anyway," Hailey asked, watching Will pull his phone out and begin frantically texting someone. Odds were very high it was Bradford, no doubt demanding the visits cease immediately.
"A corneal reflex test. It's basically where they take a cotton swab and either brush over the eye or just flat out poke it, looking for a reaction."
"What the hell? Why would you ever do that to someone?"
"To test if their reflexes are in place. You typically do that to comatose patients, I'm sure when he first went down they did that back in Bolivia. But he's awake and alert and it's really uncomfortable to watch, let alone experience. So…"
"The big brother in you kicked in."
"Sure, we'll go with that," Will smirked. Silence filled the room for a few moments, the three of them closing their eyes in unison and appreciating the stillness and stable nature of the room. Correction, two of them were feeling all of that, the guy in the middle was just drifting in betweens many realms of rest to really care or recognize what was going on.
"Man…Bolivia…a word I haven't heard in awhile," Hailey joked, listening to Will snicker on the other side of their space as light lit up the once dimly lit room.
"I know, so weird to think this is where that all started."
"Don't remind me," Hailey spoke up. Will scanned his phone, nodding as he typed things back.
"Bradford said he spoke to Sharon, they're putting an all-stop on Jay's room. Only he's allowed back in here for the next twenty-four hours…unless you-know-who decides to get that tube out."
"Well that's good news, let's hope that happens before too long," Hailey yawned, rolling on her side so she was fully facing Jay as she drifted off to sleep.
"Hey, just think: next room will have a couch so whoever stays with him will have a semi-decent bed," Will reassured, watching Hailey try and fluff the pillow and blankets around her in an effort to get more comfortable. Having done the exact same routine for a week now, he knew she too was not getting serious rest and in a comfy state.
"Oh yay! And one of us will get to sleep in a real bed as we switch things off," she spoke up, her eyelids seriously drooping and becoming harder and harder to hold open.
"Yeah, we've gotta figure that schedule out."
"In the morning," Hailey basically whispered as her voice gave out, her whole person sound asleep before she could register Will's reply. Will smirked, looking to Jay one final time before he too passed out for awhile. It was a beautiful picture, who would've thought three people crammed into a tiny room with machines and IV stands all around, sound asleep at 3am, would be a sight worth photographing. But it was completely true. They all were asleep. They all were resting. They all were blissfully unaware of the joy and freedom that was just on their horizon. But first, the rest the all craved and seriously needed had finally, at last, arrived.
…
Day nine, it happened. The moment they'd all really been waiting for had arrived. It was the moment Bradford coveted, would've killed for moments after it all spiraled out of control. It was the moment, if Will and Hailey were being totally honest, was the true moment they were pulling for all this time. Yes, all wanted Jay to live. Truly, everyone wanted to see him move past that very, oh so dark day and incredibly trying time. Those twenty-four hours per twenty-four hour marks were what they sought after in those very moments of infancy of this whole new setup for Jay's life. But deep down, every single person caring for and pleading Jay to hang on was desiring this moment and this outcome. Because without this, none of the other things mattered. It would all amount to nothing if it all ended in Jay staying the exact way he'd been close to a fully day now. Yes, they were forever grateful for the bonus hours and days and week they'd gotten with him, all the impossible and slightly traumatizing decisions that were made would've been looked back on as worth it. But let's be real here, if Jay was never able to come off that ventilator and fully independent and verbalizing things with the world, then truly the misadventure would've been summed up as exactly that: a misadventure that ended in horrific and unfair results. Thankfully, mercifully, incredibly, the most stubborn human in all of history found a fucking way to defy all odds and sneak on past what was assumed as a completely improbable outcome. And it all started with a sound, an unusual and uncomfortable one that for most people would elicit fear or nausea, but was absolutely sweet sweet music to Will and Hailey's ears. Because at exactly 12:34pm, we kid you not, Jay Halstead gagged on that blasted breathing tube.
"Will," Hailey excitedly, calmly, but a little freaked out called to Will, who had managed to have his back turned away from Jay and Hailey and the whole scene of the room when this all went down. Just moments before that gut churning sound crackled out of Jay's very exhausted body, Hailey had managed to awaken and get a quick rundown of Jay's awake and still out of it self. Honestly he was going to be in that state for a little longer, the exhaustion and confusion were going to go along with the everything that had happened to him and all the drugs he was on that were keeping him sane and alive. Plus, let's not forget his very mush brain had to begin the task of reassembling itself and reconnecting things that had been severed and surgically cut out in an effort to save everything. So this newfound limitation and mood of Jay was going to be a recurring character in the story of his life, he'd later come to learn he was looking at a rather extensive pause on anything future related; but at least he was going to be able to live it, relearn it, and extend the incredible story of Jay Halstead. Anyway, we're getting on a bit of a tangent.
"Hey Jay," Hailey had quietly and slowly yawned in Jay's direction, taking a very quick and astute note that Jay appeared to be the most coherent and with things since his first return to earth a day or so ago. That would all make sense in the next handful of seconds, but for the immediate she was appreciating the quick glance over at her from him.
"You doing okay," she inquired once more, speaking a little louder so that Will would both hear her and catch on that she was trying to get him awake. This was not the first time she'd woken up that day, the same was the case for Will. While it had been the timespan of a full night of sleep, it was both humorous and curious to see how the two of them would wake up in random intervals, never overlapping with the other, but just doing quick check-ins, making sure Jay was still with them and hanging in there before settling back in for another round of rest. Just as Jay had barely gotten any shut eye the previous day, they really hadn't had much either. So now, as Hailey took in Jay's alertness, it was obvious that they all absorbed the rest they'd received that morning and seemed to be reaping the rewards for their efforts.
"Hey, everything is okay," Hailey cooed, sitting up a little more in her seat, beginning her usual task of neatly folding her nighttime blanket away, assuming that by the time she was done Jay would fall back to sleep. It had been all she'd known up till this point, so there wasn't much belief or expectancy that things would be different. But what she didn't see as she was neatly fitting each corner of the blanket perfectly into the adjacent one was that Jay was really trying to communicate, squinting his eyes in mild frustration for what was inside his throat and desperately trying to alert the world that he was not happy with things. He was so ready to talk, so ready to not be choked, that part of him was under the full impression he was being suffocated in front of two witnesses. So imagine the little full body jump Hailey reacted with on reflex when the quietest yet very real gag erupted out of Jay's mouth. It was so quick, so soft, yet so ingrained in her mind, and every human's brain, that you cannot mistake a gag. No one asks if someone was gagging, your ears hear it and immediately you're holding your own stomach so as to avoid domino nausea. When it happened again, and Hailey looked up to see Jay's arms beginning their ascent to his face, that's when the once neatly folded blanket plopped down to the floor, her cry for Will the loudest she'd spoken in days as she did her best to try and figure out what to do next.
"Will!" The once very passed out and borderline snoring brother in question didn't take long to wake up when Hailey just about shouted at him. It took him a couple blinks to register what was happening while he was sleeping, running through things and remembering where he was and what all was going on before he dared to roll over and see what all the fuss was about. Prior times to this very moment, these types of cries out to him were nothing more than a sensor falling off or Bradford just wanting to update the group of Jay's current condition and progress. But as his eyes registered what was happening in front of him, seeing Hailey doing her very best to both soothe Jay and grapple with his weak yet strong arms attempting to grab at the tube in his throat, that one got Will off and to the races. He was on his feet and at Jay's side before he could even rip the blanket that had been wrapped around his person. Will just about tripped over himself as he collided with the side of the bed, but not daring to give up on helping assess and hold things off till help arrived.
"Hailey, go get help right now," Will informed as he managed to grab Jay's right wrist, now working on the left that was still waving around in the air. Hailey did not need a second instruction or reason for leaving. She had her task and marching orders and she was not going to dare to slow down. She was at Jay's side and out the door before he could figure out she was gone.
"Hey…HEY…Jay," Will did his very best to coax his brother, who was still very much struggling in the air and calm department. His once very immobile and still awfully sensitive head was beginning that old rolling and rocking back and forth, attempting his very best effort of breaking free of whatever was holding onto him. If Will had more hands he'd hold his brother's head still, but that was just about a lost cause at this point. Plus, if moving his head was going to send him back into perilous moments than he was looking at a very difficult and trying life. So in the case of steadying the head or avoiding Jay's hand from latching onto things and pulling on things that he shouldn't, Will chose the more damaging option.
"Jay, I know it's not fun but help is coming," Will mumbled out loud as Jay continued to thrash and struggle against the breathing tube, Will's grip, everything that was holding him back and harming him. Honestly Will was thoroughly impressed with whatever strength he had mustered up in this moment. My how the adrenaline runs strong with things.
"Hey, just stop," Will finally protested, that final plea for sanity and calmness what finally got Jay to stop moving and actually look and assess the situation. Will was fully wondering what was taking so long for Hailey, Bradford, anyone to get back in there.
"Hey man, you're okay. It's going to come out in a second," Will panted out loud, catching his breath while smiling in immense pride and relief to be having half a conversation with his brother. Prior to these daunting days, it had been weeks since they talked and even longer since they'd been in person. That all was going to change. If nothing else, this whole thing taught Will to appreciate life outside of work, and how quickly that all could drastically change. For awhile there he was convinced he'd be the final Halstead in Chicago, and the whole world for that matter. This second chance at things was everything.
"I'm going to unhook this," Will spoke up, fully realizing that this whole time the ventilator was still going and now very much throwing Jay off of whatever breathing pattern he was trying to master. The swelling and full body relaxation that raced across his body as the vent hissed after the disconnect of things was what sealed the deal for Will. This moment really was happening.
"There, that should help. Just breathe through your nose," he spoke up, never forgetting the moments he had solid eye contact with Jay. All those horrid, permanent memories were worth this moment. Whatever else happened, this was all completely worth it.
"Your nose," Will reminded, realizing that the reflection moment needed to come after things died down. Jay was very much lost on what he was being instructed, Will choosing to not be freaked out by the fact Jay wasn't sure what breathing through a nose meant. He chalked it up to the meds and comatose state for the last week.
"In and out. In…and out," Will instructed, going through the breathing technique several times and even poking Jay's nose before at last, the first moments of listening and obeying took place. Will was seriously fighting the tears now.
"Good! Good job, just keep doing that. You're doing great," he immensely praised, hearing the sound of the sliding door behind him and internally sighing a little. It took them long enough.
"Okay… we are ready for that thing to come out," Bradford greeted, earning himself a quick groan and head nod as Jay closed his eyes through the discomfort. The groan only made things worse, a couple momentary gags before Bradford reminded him that things were getting taken out and to be very still.
"We're just laying things flat and removing the pillow," he instructed as the head of the bed was lowered to the original position of full horizontal. The spoken of pillow was then removed from his head, an empty syringe was screwed into the thin, narrow, clear line that had been wrapped around the breathing tube this whole time, housing the balloon that was secured at the end of the tube and holding everything in place.
"You're doing great, just keep breathing like that," Bradford said as he made sure everything was lined up and ready for things to be pulled out smoothly and quickly. Jay was really struggling with the nose technique and patience now.
"Okay, we're deflating the balloon now," he spoke on, pulling all air that was in the balloon out. Jay blinked hard and grunted very quietly as he felt the very unpleasant sensation at the base of his trachea, so ready for it all to be over.
"I know, it's coming out in a second. Just hold on, man" Bradford said as he firmly gripped the tube in his right hand, taking a breath himself before he made that long awaited tug.
"Count of three I need you to relax and blow as hard as you can. 1…2…3 and go." His tug was a very non-eventful, methodical and perfect pull, Jay being the only one that made the biggest ordeal out of the whole thing. His blow was more like full on gagging, all were fully aware that the gag reflex was very much in tact and being triggered during that removal. But in no time at all, it all was over. As Jay coughed and gagged and reacted heavily to what had just taken place, Will and Hailey were holding each other, quietly sobbing in immense happiness as they were fully aware that they were doing something they really shouldn't be allowed to have. Like seeing a celebrity in person, there are just certain things you dream of or never expect to occur and when they do, it's like you're watching a movie or dream play out just feet in front of you. Jay had a face, had a soul, was fully and truly alive and with them; speaking coming before too long. If Bradford had to admit truth here, he too had to confess that he was holding the emotions back now.
As he gingerly handed off the spit and condensation peppered tube that was still radiating Jay's trachea heat off of it, he could not help but admit a moment of full circle completion here. The very tube he placed 4,200 miles ago, in a desolate barn turned medic room, was finally out of the picture. A tube that was placed when so many unknowns were all around them, when death felt to be moments away and none of them knew they'd end up where they were now, was taking its bow in the story of things. The final tangible article from those first moments, its last clasps of external air was that of Bolivian airspace, was now in the rearview mirror of things. It's time had come and gone, but Jay was still kicking and his story far from over. Part of him wanted to house that thing in a medical vault or museum forever, but instead he handed it off to a nurse who discarded it in a hazard waste bag. Just like that, it was all over.
"Suction" he calmly requested as Jay let out a final deep and raspy cough, attempting to clear his throat and never reaching a steady moment.
"Hey, that's what this is for," Bradford joked, waving the thing over Jay's face as he waited for vision to track things.
"Open up," he commanded and Jay eventually did so, once again blinking hard and jolting at the change in things, but allowing Bradford to remove the excess spit and whatever else had been in there all this time. Next came the oxygen cannula for under the nose, which Jay profusely shook his head for but after threats of a mask caved. As Bradford tucked things into place before clearing things so the head of the bed could be raised, Jay's mouth attempted movement, but instead mouthed an 'ow.'
"I know, it's gunna hurt for a little bit. We can give you stuff but the best thing is to just rest your voice." Once the bed was finally back at the height it was supposed to be, Bradford did a once over of things, making everything was as it was supposed to be before he darted out of the room and left everyone to have that long awaited reunion.
"Okay, things look good. Stats are doing well and let's see how the breathing goes. He might cough and be raspy for awhile, but just keep him quiet and resting. I'll check…" Bradford trailed off with, registering that a hand was trying to grab his attention in the form of slapping the back of a hand against his forearm. When he turned to figure out it was Jay, all talking ceased as the three of them watched him close his eyes, seeming to be really working up a great welcome back speech, licking his lips a couple times before opening things and looking right at Bradford. What fell out at first was a murmur so faint and muted to Will and Hailey at the end of the bed that even they couldn't hear. Bradford leaned in, seeming to be asking Jay to repeat himself, and got two words that he never thought he'd hear.
"Thank you." Jay Halstead in a nutshell, everyone. Despite not knowing a single thing that was going on around him, to him, or inside of him, not even fully realizing where he was and the steps taken to get to that fraction of a second of a moment; Jay Halstead in his very altered state knew the very person he was convinced hated him played an incredibly intricate role in everything. None of them had any idea of how much Jay knew at that time or what he'd listened to while he was deep under things, but the fact in his very limited capacity and knowledge of things he was able to be grateful was absolutely everything. Bradford could only nod, the two of them locking eyes for a second and seeming to be convincing the other to hang in there. And, in a weird way, thank the other for saving them and bringing them to this moment. Bradford didn't say anything else, didn't bid farewell to Will or Hailey and did give his usual message of returning soon. Yeah, he made it outside the room and around the corner before he rested his back against the wall and let things out. Oh yeah, that long awaited sob session could not wait a second longer. What an entire moment, he'd made it to the other side. Against all odds, what Bolivia intended for disguise and self isolation instead revealed exactly what second chances were all about.