Despite Len feeling drained they stayed at the zoo a little bit longer, visiting their favorite penguin and watching him gobble down all the fish he was given at feeding time. It made Len feel so happy to see, that Casper had recovered so well. But he tried to hide it behind a bored expression, he was Captain Cold after all. But he couldn't fool Barry, who smiled at him knowingly.

But as he predicted, his body was crashing down soon and all he wanted to do was to crawl into his bed and sleep.

This time, he allowed Barry to ride his bike back to the house and Len had to force himself to keep his eyes open and not fall asleep, as he hugged Barry around his waist.

At the house, Barry helped to guide Len into his bedroom. Even through Len knew that Barry had seen just everything there was to see about his messed up body, he still felt self-conscious undressing in front of his boyfriend. Barry noticed his hesitation.

"I can wait outside, until you changed", he offered, but Len shook his head and swiftly pulled his T-Shirt over his head.

The cuts had healed up nicely and the ones that had gotten too deep and had to be stitched up by Dr. Snow shone out a tender pink between all the otherwise withe lines. Len saw how Barry's eyes flickered between the muscles on his abs, that were not quite a six pack anymore, but still there, to his too visible line of ribs and hip bones and the scars between them.

"I know, I'm a walking contradiction", Len said half joking, half embarrassed, but Berry shook his head.

"No, I was looking at you and thinking, that despite all this, you are still so beautiful. Would it be ok, if I kissed you? And is it ok, if I touched you?"

Len smiled softly, he had never really asked, he just took, whenever he felt like it. Maybe that was something to learn from Barry, as this made him feel secure and in control. He knew that Barry would respect his boundaries, without him having to get physical. So he nodded.

Barry stepped closer and Captain Cold shivered, when he felt his boyfriends hot breath on his naked skin. He pulled Barry closer, claiming his mouth hungrily.

He felt Barry's hands ghost over his scars, but they didn't linger and so it was alright. Not comfortable, but not so uncomfortable, that he couldn't handle it.

Instead he let his own hands wander, under Berrys T-Shirt, over his impeccable, smooth skin. They both had experienced trauma, but it had made them into two different things, at two ends of the scale. Villain and Hero. One to save and one to destroy. But as long as they were together, they balanced each other out, becoming just plain human.

Len pushed Barry onto his bed, studying him for a second. But the expression in Berrys hazel eyes was nothing but pure affection and even lust. So yeah, human they were. He bended down and kissed Barry so hard that his lips became kiss- bruised, despite his super healing. Barry pulled his shirt over his head too and Len moved to straddle him, nipping along his collarbone and his neck. Barry reached up to him, catching his mouth again. Soon after that there were only lips and teeth, hot mouths and messy kisses, smooth skin pressed to scarred skin and it didn't matter, whispered words, elevated breathing, hands gripping hands- holding each other too tight, but not tight enough, hard muscles flexing under soft touches, no thoughts, just feeling.

Len felt dizzy when they laid next to each other, like he was coming down from a high. But to be fair, he normally wouldn't have sex just a few hours after an anxiety attack. He was spent. Barry smiled at him, noticing his dropping eyes.

"It's ok Baby, you can sleep", he told him, pulling the blanked over their naked bodies, getting comfortable by entangling their legs and draping his arm over Leonard's chest.

Leonard had to suppress a shiver. This felt entirely too close, too domestic, but just so good at the same time. This warmth, the heaviness of Barry's arm and legs, it made him feel safe. And this was a feeling he never associated with another person before. He usually felt the safest if he was alone and had the doors locked. He could feel that anxious-mind-racing lurking in the depths of his brain, just waiting for the endorphins and whatever else hormones were active during sex, to die down and send him spiraling again. It all came down to him not being good enough and soon Barry would notice and then he would leave and oh god… now Barry's arm started to feel restricting and his body was getting too hot.

"Barry?" he asked, unsure what he wanted to say in the first place.

"Hmm?", Barry mumbled, himself drowsy with sleep.

"Can you tell me something?" he asked and felt like a child.

"Tell you what?"

"Like, I don't know…like anything? A story", he thought for a moment, "tell me how it felt, when you discovered that you suddenly had super speed", he decided.

Barry opened one eye and looked at him quizzically.

"It helps me to calm down, when I focus on what you tell me, it keeps everything else in check", Len explained, even if he stumbled over his words. God it was hard to open up, to let people in, to make himself so vulnerable. But with Barry, somehow he wanted to be this vulnerable.

Barry just nodded and started talking. With his middle finger mentality raised to his fucking brain, Len closed his eyes, and listening to Barry telling him his story, he finally fell asleep.

As Dr. Snow had recommended, he had tried to get a more consistent sleep cycle. Not working till into the wee hours of morning, not fueling himself with coffee and only coffee. He had to admit, that most of the times it worked. His nightmares became less and after a few weeks lying awake for the better part of the night, turning and tossing, he finally had whole nights were he could sleep through. To his surprise it really helped with his overall well-being. He felt more stable, more in control of himself. His eating was still sketchy at best, but he managed to eat at least something every day. This was an improvement to the days and weeks leading up to his collapse. He still hadn't contacted the therapist Dr. Snow had recommended to him. He stared down at the list, phone in hand, but he couldn't bring himself to type in the numbers and actually call to make an appointment. Lisa constantly was pestering him about it.

Tonight though falling asleep had been difficult and when he woke up, gasping for air and shivering under the cold sweat, that ran down his body, the nightmare still felt real. Sitting up and wrapping his arms around his knees, he tried to shake the feeling of helplessness and fear, that still held him in its grip. He couldn't really remember what had happened in his dream, but his head was still full with that confusing panic and it was hard to cling to the conscious thought, that it had just been a dream. His gaze graced his knife, that was placed innocently on the windowsill. But no, no he couldn't do that. Barry's warm brown eyes flashed through his mind. He reached for his phone instead. With shaking fingers he formulated a message to his boyfriend and when the reply came immediately, he sighed in relief.

Pushing himself out of bed, he staggered down to the bathroom at the end of the hall. It was far enough from Lisa's and Micks rooms, that he could take a shower without waking them up.

The hot water calmed his nerves a bit and the fog in his brain began to clear up. When he stepped out of the shower he avoided to look into the mirror, he hated to see that hint of fear, that usually took residence in his eyes and the line around his mouth. Nobody but him probably could see it, but he knew this expression way too well.

He dressed into dark jeans and a black turtleneck sweater, pulled on his motorcycling boots and his parka and just barely remembered to grab his helmet.

Even with the heavy boots on his feet, he moved through the dark house as silently and elegant as a cat. But he still held his breath, until he closed the front door quietly behind him. Deeply he breathed in the cold night air. He almost felt euphoric, when his bike roared to life under him.

He rode fast and took less than five minutes to arrive at big belly burgers. Now, in the middle of the night, it wasn't very busy. Tiered nighttime workers clinging to cups of coffee, quiet conversations and a lowly mumbling jukebox gave an air of exhausted piece. He spotted Barry sitting in the last booth, waving over to him excitedly. Leonard had to smile at that, wasn't he too cute?

He walked over and Barry stretched himself to reach out to him, planting a kiss straight on his lips. It surprised Leonard, as they hadn't done anything else than to hold hands in public, but he wouldn't complain, he smiled into the kiss, grabbed Barry's head and pulled him even closer. When he finally let go, he felt a strange warmth spreading in his chest, seeing Barry's eyes sparkle. He slipped into the booth, facing Barry.

"So, you were out, saving the city?" he asked. Barry nodded and pushed his shirt a little bit down, so Len could see a glimpse of Barry's red suit.

"And what are you doing here, at half past three in the morning?" Barry asked, trying not to sound too concerned.

"Woke up from a nightmare, figured I wouldn't fall asleep again. And I wanted to see you", he admitted quietly, hiding his shaking hands under the table. It still took him so much willpower to be that open with Barry. His mind constantly telling him to keep his feelings to himself, to play it cool or he would get hurt.

The way Barry smiled at him, though, almost made it worth it.

The speedster extended his hands, laying them on the tabletop, waiting for his boyfriend to place his hands there. After more than a second of hesitation, Len complied.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Barry asked, squeezing Lens cold hands.

Len shook his head.

"Can't really remember", he said, "it's just a feeling but I had to get out of the house."

Barry nodded.

"I was going to get me some burgers, do you want something too?"

"I need coffee. And some fries", he said.

Barry, who had anticipated this exact order, smiled and got up to get food and coffee.

Alone the strong smell of hot coffee helped Len to calm his still high strung nerves.

Barry watched him, as he began to pick up some fries too.

Watching Len munch away almost happily at his fries, there was a question, that burned on Barry's tongue, but he wasn't sure, if he should ask it. He didn't want to bring it to attention, in case that would make it worse, but maybe, if he could understand, it would help him to help Len to get better. So he blurted it out:

"What is it with you and French fries?" he asked.

Abruptly Lens movement came to a halt and his hand hovered over his plate, before he picked one up and slowly dipped it into the ketchup.

"What do you mean?" he asked, hesitating to put the stick of fried potato into his mouth.

Barry wanted to kick himself for bringing it up at all. Surely Len knew that frech fries weren't a low calorie option. And even if Len claimed that his reasons for not eating weren't linked to body image and trying to loose weight, he knew a lot more about calories than Barry. He had noticed, that Len liked it, when the numbers stayed in the double digits, or at least added up to a number that could be divided by two or at least by three.

"I mean, this seems to be the only food you like to eat. With everything else I have seen you hesitate, not really enjoying it. But fries you seem to love. Is there a reason for that?" he asked, as he couldn't backtrack now.

At first Len shrugged and that told Barry, that his boyfriend would probably refuse to talk about it, but then he nodded slowly.

"Just let me finish them, because later, after I told you, I probably won't want to eat anymore", he told him.

"Take your time", Barry said encouragingly and leaned back on his seat, busying himself with slurping the rest of his milkshake.

When he was done eating, Len nervously brushed off the salt and fat on his fingers.

"More coffee, please", he asked Barry and waited until the other man had called over the waitress to refill their cups. The woman smiled at them and collected all the empty wrappers, wiping down the table with one quick movement.

"Enjoy, boys", she said, as she had refilled their cups and turned to leave.

"Thank you", they both answered politely and waited for her to be out of earshot.

Len picked up his coffee had held the mug so tight, Barry was a bit worried it would shatter.

"I guess there are a lot of things that are confusing about my behavior, and believe me, they confuse me just as much. Most of the time I don't really know why I do the things that I do. And I guess you could call my issues wit food an eating disorder. I mean purposefully not eating enough until you body shuts down probably is an eating disorder. But it never had to do with body image, I don't want to be skinny, or thin or whatever you want to call it. But it's about control. Not control over what I eat actually, but control over the hunger", he exhaled shakily, and took a sip from his coffee, then staring at his hands for such a long time, Barry already thought he wouldn't continue talking.

"My Dad was a sadistic asshole, who enjoyed making people suffer. At first it was mostly my Mum he tormented, occasionally he would hit me too, but not too bad. And then, when my Mum", he swallowed hard, "when she killed herself, his focus suddenly was on me. And let me tell you, that was no fun", he said, pulling a grimace, "but then he somehow noticed that I had a knack for numbers and electronics and he started to give me problems to solve, wiring diagrams to learn by heart", he sighed.

"At first I liked it. He would actually praise me, if I got it right, I liked the attention he gave me. But then he started to bring me in on his jobs for real and of course he was impatient and resorted to punishment instead of rewards. I still was only a child, I did not have the discipline to work for eight hours or longer on learning how alarm systems worked and constructing get away plans. When he finally came to realize that just beating me into attention didn't really work, he found other ways to keep me going and to punish me, if I wasn't quick or concentrated enough", he paused again to pick up his coffee, but put it down again, while purposefully avoiding Barry's eyes. He didn't want to see the pity in them.

"The thing he enjoyed most, was to threaten my sister. Like he would say, that if I couldn't stay concentrated, he would have to punish Lisa. So I stayed awake until my eyes burned, tried to keep myself awake with coffee until my hands shook so much, I couldn't hold the tools anymore and for that he would hit me. He loved to withhold food, he liked it, when I begged him to let me eat. He played games with me, like telling me that sure I could go and eat something, but then there wouldn't be anything left for my sister. I still can hear him laugh at me for throwing up water and stomach acid from being nauseous from hunger. The only way to get through this, was to rise above the hunger. To get used to the feeling, to embrace it. I don't know how, but suddenly the hunger felt good, like if I allowed it to be there, my Dad couldn't hurt me with it anymore. So even if I was allowed to eat, I didn't want to anymore. It was the tiniest bit of power I had against all this", his voice was turning hoarse from all the talking, but now it didn't felt that frightening anymore. Barry just sat and listened, occasionally reaching out to touch his hand for reassurance.

"So you stopped eating completely?" Barry dared to ask, "how old were you?"

Len shook his head, "no, not completely, if I had, he would have noticed and then I don't know what would have happened. Sometimes I wanted to stop eating, to just wait and see how long it would take for him to notice, what he would do, to see if he would care enough to make me eat again, but I couldn't be that selfish, I had to take care of my sister. But yeah, even if I could eat as much as I wanted, I wouldn't, because if I was the cause of the hunger that I was feeling, I had won. I know that's probably pretty messed up", he finished his coffee and gestured for another one.

"I was 13 by the way, it probably started sooner, but by that time, I knew what I was doing", he waited for the coffee to be refilled and then continued.

"My Dad got arrested for the first time, when I was 14. We were send to live with our Granddad and even if he was a thief and a criminal too, he was much kinder than our Dad. He noticed that I obviously had problems with food and one day, he picked me up from school early and told me that we would go to his favorite pub and have some lunch. Just the two of us.

When we arrived he wanted me to order something, but I couldn't. I told him, that I wasn't hungry, that I had eaten at school. He told me that it was alright, that I didn't need to lie. So he ordered for himself and an empty plate for me.

When the food came, he put half of his fries on my plate and told me to eat as much I felt confident with and that it didn't matter how long it would take. That I was allowed to take my time.

It was the first time in years, that I felt that somebody saw me, in a loving, caring way. He said he was proud of me for finishing. You wouldn't believe what hearing that meant to me, I was so used to be constantly being put down, that him telling me he was proud made me cry. He did not yell at me, he didn't mock me, he didn't hit me for crying, like my Dad would have done, but he pulled me in his arms and held me. Told me it was ok to cry, that I was going to be alright. I think he had some inkling of what my father was doing to me, and he wanted us to stay with him. But soon after my Dad was released from prison Grandpa got sick and we had to go back. He died shortly after.

So, yeah, long story short, this is the reason, why I love eating French fries, it's this one positive memory connected to food I have, it's like the definition of comfort food", he finished.

For a long while they sat in silence, Barry had no idea what to say. He just Held Lens hand .

"I'm so sorry, all of this happened to you", he said, because really, what else was there to say?

"Yeah, me too", Len said laconically.

"What about Lisa?"

"He never touched her and he never played his sick mind games with her, I made sure of that", Len answered.

"No, I mean, does she know? That your father starved you, abused you? She doesn't seem to know", Barry asked, remembering how desperate Lisa was trying to find answers to the reason for her brothers self destruction.

Len shook his head, "no, she loved our Dad, always looked up to him, I couldn't take the illusion away from her, that he was a decent enough father."

"But Len, this is killing you. You still are grasping for that control he took away from you, you still trying to protect your sister no matter the cost. It's too much for you to carry on your own. Don't you think it's time for her to know, so she can understand? So she can really be there for you? You have given her so much, don't you think it's time to tell her the truth and give her the chance to help you heal? And I know you don't want to hear it, but that's what therapy is for, to finally find closure, to finally understand, that the abuse he put you through wasn't your fault. I know you still think that. Please, Len, you are worth it, you deserve to get help and you deserve to be happy. Just think about it. Telling Lisa and Therapy I mean", Barry pleaded.

Leonard looked into Barry's eyes and saw nothing but honesty. The hero believed the villain deserved happiness, Barry believed that Len deserved him, that he was worthy of the love he was offering so generously. And somehow Len started to believe Barry. No matter how many times Lewis had told him otherwise.

"I'll think about it", he said.