Chris: (Recapping last episode.) "Last time on Total Drama Action... the cast was able to let loose by rockin' it, sockin' it, and trashin' it like rock stars. With an appetite for destruction, Courtney won invincibility, prompting none other than Lindsay to engineer a coup against Duncan. But when it came time to vote, Lindsay accidentally voted Beth off the show! Will Lindsay survive without her BFF? Will Courtney ever stop trying to win challenges? All this and more on another thrilling episode of... Total... Drama... Action!"

(Theme song plays.)

(The episode begins inside the girls' trailer.)

Lindsay: (she walks in exhausted) "Owie... my head hurts from all that rocking and rolling. I never imagined how exhausting it really was."

Courtney: "Well, I never imagined you'd vote your own best friend off the show."

Lindsay: "In case you forgot, I never meant to vote Beth off. It was an accident."

CONFESSIONAL:

Courtney: "It was cruel and thoughtless of Lindsay to kick Beth out so close to the finals. The girls had the numbers advantage over the guys. And now that it's just me and Lindsay, I'm basically being forced to form an alliance with her, and I really don't want to."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: "Well, I'm gonna head to bed."

Courtney: "Don't you wanna stay up for a bit? We can watch a rom-com on my PDA!"

Lindsay: "No, thanks. I don't really feel like it."

Courtney: "Cheese Oodles? Sour Grammies?"

Lindsay: "It's tempting but... I'm never going to form an alliance with you so you can find another sucker! Now *bleep* off!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: "Okay, I know I sounded a little harsh in there, but since Courtney came on the show, no one's been listening to me, and she doesn't follow anyone but herself. If there's one thing I've learned from my alliance with Heather, it's that it's better to let the bitchy ones think for themselves. But to form an alliance with them? Never again!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

(In the guys' trailer, Harold laughs as he lies in bed)

Harold: "Come on, blankie. That tickles! (he realizes something) Wait a minute. Blankets don't have souls! (Screams as he sees he's covered in snails, and Duncan bursts out laughing.) Gosh! When will you stop making my life so brutal?!"

Duncan: "Well, I don't know. When it stops being funny."

CONFESSIONAL:

Duncan: "As in never."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: (He lets the snails out) "Out you go, my mollusk amigos. (He finds one more snail on his shoulder.) Whoa. Check it out. This one snail... (He listens to the snail.) she sounds just like Leshawna. Heh."

Duncan: "Oh, boy."

CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: "She even looks like Leshawna. See? Same soft eyes. Same hard shell. Same lusciously rounded booty. They could be twins!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: (He has put the snail in a matchbox.) "Sweet dreams, Leshawna Jr. (kisses the snail and lies down) This is so exciting. I don't know how I'll ever get to-" (Falls asleep.)

(We now cut the next morning, a gong sounds off, waking the castmates up.)

Lindsay: "What? Where are we?"

Duncan: [sniffs] "Oh man, we're back at Camp Wawanakwa! (The wind suddenly blows as Chris flies in) Whoa! (Chris does a few poses, and takes off a harness) Wires? I take back my whoa."

Chris: "Honorable competitors, welcome to the Total Drama Kung Fu reward challenge. Shot on location here in the beautiful Japanese woods. Today, we pit girls against boys."

Courtney: "Fair enough."

Harold: "The sides are even."

Chris: "In kung fu movies, actors train with stunt choreographers before they film their fight scenes. So, today, each team will have a trainer and a fighter. Pick your roles, and train as hard as you can in the kung fu style of your choice. The battle begins when noble heron flies east."

Duncan: "And in human, that would be?"

Chris: (he puts the harness back on) "Four hours. May the best fu win! Excelsior! "(He leaps away)

Harold: "There are so many fighting styles to choose from. Monkey! Tiger! Chicken! Dolphin!"(Squeaks.)

Duncan: "Great, you can be the fighter."

CONFESSIONAL:

Duncan: "It's about time the nerdling learned how to fight. And I'm more than happy to teach him. Of course, the best way to learn how to throw a punch is to get punched. Repeatedly."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: "Uh, Courtney, are you sure you want me to be the fighter? Because I think-"

Courtney: "Lindsay, does the term 'one million dollars' mean anything to you?"

Lindsay: (sighs) "Fine. But I'm not doing it for you. I'll do it for Beth."

Courtney: "Good enough for me."

(Meanwhile, Harold is seen washing the Lame-o-sine)

Duncan: "Come on, come on, work those pecs! Get in the zen zone with it!"

Chris: "Can you make him wax my car too?"

Duncan: "Which one's yours?"

Chris: (He gestures to the cars in the parking lot) "All of them." (He and Duncan laugh)

(Meanwhile, Chef is relaxing as Lindsay puts some wax on his chest.)

Courtney: [hushed] "That's it. Wax on. (Lindsay puts tape on the wax) Wax... off!" (Lindsay rips it off, causing Chef to run around screaming in pain)

(Later, Lindsay is doing pushups)

Courtney: "Twenty-eight! Twenty-nine! Thirty! Aw, that's it! (She notices Harold doing pushups with Duncan on his back, then she grabs a boulder, puts it on Lindsay's back and gets on) Faster, Lindsay, faster! You're a warrior! You're a destroyer!" (Duncan runs off, then rides back on a moose, which gets on Harold's back.)

Harold: "Ah!"

Duncan: "Be one with the pain."

(Later, Lindsay is balancing on a pole in the middle of the lake)

Lindsay: "Ugh. Whoa, uh..."

Courtney: "Here. (tosses Lindsay a treat) Gotta keep your strength up."

Lindsay: Thanks. Uh-oh! I think I'm getting a leg cramp!

Courtney: I'm on it. (Massages Lindsay's leg) Whatever you need, pal.

CONFESSIONAL:

Courtney: "All I have to do is tend to Lindsay's needs and maybe listen to what she has to say, then when it comes time to form our alliance, hopefully she'll say yes. Oh, why won't she say yes?"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

(Meanwhile, Duncan serves a platter to Harold, complete with chopsticks.)

Harold: "Lunch already?"

Duncan: "It's an exercise for your reflexes. You can eat whatever you catch." (He removes the cover, which reveals bees, which swarm around Harold.)

Harold: "OOWWWW!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Duncan: "How the hell was I supposed to know the bees would swarm? It was supposed to be like a lesson from Muhammad Ali, right? Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: (She's seen punching a straw dummy tied to a tree, which suddenly hits back.) "Grr... Hi-yah!" (Delivers a roundhouse kick which knocks the tree down)

Courtney: "We are so gonna win this."

(Meanwhile, Duncan has prepared a punching bag with himself drawn on it.)

Duncan: "The key to landing a powerful blow is motivation. If you wanna hit something bad enough, nothing will stand in your way. Okay, so try and hit me. (Harold punches the bag) Weak. Lame. (Harold keeps at it) You even gonna try? Come on, grandma! My cat punches harder! Did I mention I kissed Leshawna?!"

Harold: "Hoo-wah!" (H punches right through the bag and grabs Duncan's neck)

Duncan: [strained] "Okay, better. Better!"

(We now cut on the battlefield set, and Chris arrives in front of a box.)

Chris: "Most worthy competitors, welcome to the Total Drama Kung Fu Showdown! (Chef the samurai runs in and slices the box, which burns out to reveal red and blue robot suits.) See, the fighters go in the robot suits, and the trainers operate them with these here joysticks."

Harold: "So what the hell was all that training for if I can't even control my own arm?"

Chris: "It's a lesson in zen, o student. (He tosses Duncan and Courtney the controls) Two minutes 'til the match begins. Suit up, fighters." (he disappears as Lindsay and Harold are suited up)

Courtney: "Okay, up. Down. Left. Right." (She uses the controllers to make Lindsay move)

Lindsay: "Ahh! Is it too late to switch roles?"

Duncan: (He uses the controls to make Harold kick himself) "H-Hey, Harold, stop kicking yourself. Stop kicking yourself."

Chris: "Enough practice! When the honorable master- that'd be me- sounds the gong, the match will begin. (He lifts the stick.) I knew Chef should have played the geisha. (He hits the gong, which causes him to shake.) (Voice reverberating.) Let the match... begin!" (Both fighters move forward as Harold kicks Lindsay's leg.)

Lindsay: "Ow!"

Harold: "Sorry." (Duncan chuckles.)

Courtney: "Oh yeah?" (Lindsay slaps Harold)

Harold: "Gosh! That hurts!" (He punches her)

Lindsay: "Oof! I got bruises on my boobs!" (They keep hitting each other)

Harold: "Gah!"

Lindsay: "Uh!"

Harold: "Ghee!"

Lindsay: "Ooh!"

Harold: "Ah! (he does rapid-fire punches) I'm. So. Sorry! (Lindsay hits him) Uh! Ghee! Ooh! (Lindsay kicks him away) Aw... my nuggets are now my niblets."

Duncan: "This. Means. War." (Harold thrusts forward)

Harold: "Whoa!" (Courtney tries to make Lindsay move, but breaks the joystick)

Lindsay: "Please let my death be one of the faster, less painful ones." (Harold smashes into Lindsay, causing her robot suit to break apart as she hits the ground.)

Beth: "Oh!"

Chris: "Ooh, that's gotta hurt. Think she's still alive? Come on back and find out. Medic!"

(Commercial break)

(We now cut back to Courtney, where Courtney is shaking Lindsay up, as Lindsay finally wakes up)

Lindsay: "Where am I? Did Harold kill me? Is this heaven?"

Courtney: "Are you okay? (Lindsay slaps her) Ow! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Lindsay: "I'm not dead! (She realizes she hit Courtney) Whoopsy. Sorry, Courtney."

Chris: "And the winners are the boys!"

(Harold & Duncan both cheer at this, but the girls are disappointed.)

Courtney: "No! Ugh, unbelievable."

Harold: "I'd just like to be unstrapped now. If that's not... [grunts] too much trouble. [Chef slices the suit off of Harold] Gosh! Suddenly, I can breathe better than usual."

CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: "Chef's sword gave my nose hairs a wicked trim. (he shows off his nostrils) Sweet, huh?"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Chris: "The guys have won the first challenge, and they'll be continuing on to compete for the reward. Girls, you're gone. Here's where things get interesting."

Duncan: [groans] I hate when he says'"interesting'. It always means painful."

Chris: "Correction. Exciting means painful. "Interesting" always means life-threatening."

Lindsay and Courtney: "Yes!"

(Harold and Duncan groan)

Chris: "Each of you must carry a glass of water to the top of the tallest mountain in Japan, Mt. Banshee. There, you'll find a bonsai tree, guarded by a mysterious kung fu master. Try not to spill any water on your way up. You'll need it to brew kung fu tea as payment for the bonsai. And if there isn't enough tea to fill the master's sacred cup, you'll wish you were wearing a sacred cup. (He pours the water and drops the glass cup, causing it to break; Harold and Duncan shudder and cover their crotches) First guy to bring the bonsai back down the mountain alive wins. And, as an added bonus, you'll have the wisdom of your master to be your guide."

Duncan: "And by 'wisdom of our master', you mean..."

Harold: "We'll be on our own while he offers no help whatsoever."

Chris: "Exactly. As for the girls, you're sentenced to zen lessons. A.K.A. kitchen duty."

Lindsay: "Aw..."

Courtney: "Aw! That is so unfair!"

Chef: "Hop, two, three, four." (Pokes Lindsay)

Lindsay: "Ow!"

Chef: "Hop, two, three, four." (Pokes Courtney)

Courtney: "Ow!" (The girls move forward)

Chef: "Let's go! Knees up!

(We now cut at the mountain.)

Harold: "Are you ready, little Leshawna Jr.?" (He puts the matchbox in his pocket)

Duncan: "Uh, let's get this over with." (They start climbing)

Harold: "Slow and steady... rising like incense smoke."

Duncan: "Stupid water glass, sacred bonsai tree my butt.

(We now cut to the kitchen, where Courtney & Lindsay are making some food.)

Courtney: [sighs] "We totally could've won the reward if you could take a punch."

Lindsay: "It's not my fault! You're the one who insisted on being the trainer, which you totally sucked at! (Chef sets down a pot full of knives.) Ah!"

Chef: "Shut your traps and grab a blade."

Courtney: "Are we having a knife fight?"

Lindsay: "I sure hope not. These knives look really sharp, and I'm pretty sure Courtney might slice me to bits."

Courtney: "A wise choice. Don't pick a fight you can't win!" (Chef wheels in a tank of water)

Chef: "Y'all are gonna use those blades to cook a meal fit for a warrior. Kung fu noodle soup. Vegetable stock, noodles, and the seven deadliest species of fish known to man. (the following fish jump) You got your rabid piranha, poisonous blowfish, electric eels, toxic jellyfish, lethal swordfish, man-eating shark... [chuckling] And killer octopus! Now, who's ready to start?" (the girls are huddled up on the stove as their teeth chatter)

(Meanwhile, Duncan and Harold are still climbing the mountain as Chris uses his harness to fly by them, simulating spiritual guidance.)

Chris: "Duncan... Harold sucked at training. He needs to be taught an extra lesson. Probably in the form of spilling his water glass on his crotch." [chuckles]

Duncan: "No thanks."

Chris: "Uh, why not?"

Duncan: "Ugh, just don't feel like it."

Chris: "Very well. (he 'floats' over to Harold) Harold... Duncan is a terrible kung fu master. Think of the humiliation you went through. Now, with your righteous left hook-"

Harold: "O honorable master. Me, Duncan, the water, this mountain. We're all the same. All one. (He slips) Gah!"

Duncan: (he saves Duncan's water glass) "Oh, gotcha!"

Harold: "Thanks, Duncan."

Duncan: "Your killer left hook's what got us here. It's the least I can do. Anyway, you would've done the same for me."

Harold: "You know, we could keep helping each other and split the reward."

Duncan: "That's not a bad idea... teammate." (They clink their water glasses and keep climbing as Chris' eye twitches.)

CONFESSIONAL:

Chris: Okay, I know I'm just the host here, but I have got to do something! This show ain't called Total Teamwork Action! I gotta find a way to break up Duncan and Harold's love fest!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

(We now cut back in the kitchen.)

Lindsay: "Ew. (she puts tongs in the water, which thrash) Whoa! (she takes the bent tongs out) Okay, I can't do this! They're not even fish!"

Courtney: "But I've seen you look at fish before."

Lindsay: "Oh, yeah, but... well... what I mean is..."

CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: "Gosh, who knew trying to get out of being in an alliance was so tough?"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Courtney: "Well, I guess I could take care of all the fish. You know, as a friend." (The octopus grabs Courtney) Ah!"

Lindsay: "Gee, thanks! I'll go boil the noodles!"

(We now cut back to Duncan & Harold climbing on the mountain.)

Duncan: "Left, right, left, pull! Left, right, left, pull!"

Chris: "Harold... Harold! Listen to the voice upon the wind!"

Harold: "What voice? Did Leshawna Jr. say something?"

Chris: "Do you hear it? The spirit inside the shell speaks!"

Harold: (He pulls the matchbox out of his pocket) "What is it girl?"

Chris: "I hear the suggestion to beat Duncan into the ground."

Harold: "Can't be! LJ would never. [gasps] Did she just say kick his ass?!

Chris: "The mollusk has spoken!"

Harold: [sighs] "Leshawna, Leshawna. As Confucius once said, "Forgive thy enemy. Be reconciled to him." You inspire me to be better, LJ. Let me do the same for you." (he continues climbing)

Chris: Okay, this episode is seriously lacking in dramatic juice for our bloodthirsty fans! Time for Plan C."

(We cut back in the kitchen where Lindsay is cooking while Courtney is fighting the fish.)

Courtney: (Lindsay is stirring the noodles as Courtney fights the fish.) "Whoa! Wha! Oof! Stupid jellyfish. Dah!"

Lindsay: "OMG, Courtney, you are so lucky to have a PDA. It sure would be nice to talk to my BFF, Beth!"

Courtney: (Grunts as she wrestles the jellyfish.) "Go ahead and call her!" (Tosses the PDA to Lindsay.) "Ahh! After all, that's what friends do! They help each other with phones and alliances!"

CONFESSIONAL:

Courtney: "Look. I'll do anything to make this alliance happen, even if it is Lindsay. I know she's doing her best to counter-manipulate me, but that's okay because I'm counter-counter-manipulating her! It's called a counter top. Hello?!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Lindsay: (Talking to Beth on the PDA.) "No, I totally miss you more. No, I miss you more! Of course I'll split the money with you if I win the million. We can also split it with Tyler as well!" (Courtney tries to shake the piranha off, where Lindsay doesn't notice.)

(We now cut to Duncan & Harold on top of the mountain.)

Chris: "Think back, Harold. Think back to Leshawna... the one who got voted off, not the one in the box. What do you miss most about her?"

Harold: "Well, there's her lilting laugh." (Duncan snickers.)

Chris: "Go on."

Harold: "And her delicate beauty."

Duncan: (Chuckles.) "Sorry, sorry. It's just, that girl is as delicate as a freight train and- (Harold grabs Duncan's water glass and splashes it in his face) What the f- (Harold punches him in the face.) Ahh!" (Gets knocked out.)

(Harold runs to the master, who is revealed to be Sasquatchanakwa, and the master roars, but Harold just spills the water out of the glass.)

CONFESSIONAL:

Sasquatchanakwa: "Not cool!"

END OF CONFESSIONAL:

Harold: "With honor! (He flips toward Sasquatchanakwa, kicks him in the face, then runs off with the bonzai.) Hi-yah! Ooh! Ah-ha-ha!"

Chris: That was awesome! Harold wins!"

(We now cut to the contestants, except Duncan in the Craft Services Tent, where there is a Sushi Feast going on.)

Courtney: "More tea, Lindsay?"

Lindsay: "After you, Courtney. (They laugh) Hey, you know what would be neat? If we could form a girl's alliance."

Courtney: "Great idea! I just gotta take care of one thing." (she walks off)

Lindsay: "Okay, bestie! (she looks at the noodle soup) Hmm, I know this is for Harold, but it can't hurt to try it. (she slurps up a bowl for herself) Hmm... good thing we went light on the poisonous- (Her face bloats up and her voice deepens) Blowfish!" (She faints)

(We now cut outside, Duncan is seen laying up on the floor, while Courtney walks to him with a bowl of soup.)

Courtney: (she approaches Duncan with a bowl) "Duncan, I saved you some soup. (She notices him holding a tuna steak over his eye) What happened to your eye?"

Duncan: "Harold happened. He banished me from his sushi feast, one of the perks of winning the reward. But I gotta hand it to the guy. Can you believe how fast the student became the teacher? Little twerpwad did me proud. (Grunting is heard offscreen) Fine, you can eat the tuna steak, but then go home! (He tosses the tuna steak; and more grunting is heard) No, there is no extra room in my trailer! You can go sleep in the woods like a normal Bigfoot! [screeching is heard] Okay, okay, sorry. I didn't mean to suggest you're abnormal, ha. Calm down! Jeez, so sensitive.:

Courtney: "Tell me about it."

(Back in the tent...)

Harold: "Sweet Leshawna Jr., you guided me to victory. What can I do for you in return? Release you back into nature? But, but... [sighs] I'm a man of my word. Hush, my darling. Don't make this harder than it already is. (He puts Leshawna Jr down) There, now be free! [cries] Oh! Go on! Get out of here!" (Continues crying.)

Chris: "Wow. That's sad. And by sad, I mean pathetic. Will Leshawna Jr. make it out of here before 2020? Will Harold throw it all away to chase his snaily love? Or will we come up with something a little more exciting? You bet we will! And find out what it is next time on Total... Drama... Action!"

(End credits.)

Stay tuned for episode 23!