While in the process of posting, retro mania asked to change the outfits of the children to the ones they wore in the 1971 version. I was a little concerned about going back and making the changes while in the middle of posting as I had originally wrote it without describing the outfits, but since I was doing the 2005 version, most readers would imagine those outfits. I didn't think the changes, though seemingly minor, would be well received by readers. So we came up with a compromise: I would make the changes, but put them all in a separate chapter so readers could read both versions. This did allow me to have a little more fun with Selena, but there aren't any real plot changes. Please take the time and read the retro mania edition of Sweet Treats and Spoiled Brats.
Chapter 1
"I am eating the Wonka Bar and I taste something that is not chocolate! Or coconut. Or walnut or peanut butter. Or nougat. Or butter brittle or caramel or sprinkles. So I look, and I find the Golden Ticket."
"Augustus, how did you celebrate?"
"I eat more candy."
"Soon as my little Veruca told me she had to have one of these Golden Tickets, I started buying up all the Wonka Bars I could lay my hands on. Thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands of them. I'm in the nut business, you see, so I say to my workers, 'Morning, ladies. From now on you can stop shelling peanuts and shelling the wrappers of these chocolate bars instead.' Three days went by and we had no luck. It was terrible! My little Veruca got more and more upset each day. Well gentlemen, I just hated seeing my little girl feeling unhappy like that. I vowed I would keep up the search until I could give her what she wanted. And finally, I found her a ticket."
"These are just some of the 263 trophies and medals my Violet has won."
"I'm a gum chewer mostly, but when I heard about these ticket things, I laid off the gum, switched to candy bars."
"She's just a driven young woman. I don't know where she gets it from."
"I'm the junior world champion gum chewer. This piece of gum I'm chewing right at this moment I've been working on for three months solid. That's a record."
"Of course I did have my share of trophies, mostly baton."
"Since Wonka is going to give this special prize better than all the rest, I don't care who those other four are, that kid is gonna be me."
"Tell them why, Violet."
"Because I'm a winner."
"All you had to do was check the manufacturing dates, offset by weather, and the derivative of the Nikkei Index. A retard could figure it out."
"Most of the time I don't know what he's talking about. Kids these days with all the technology."
"Die! Die! Die!"
"Doesn't seem like they stay kids very long."
"In the end, I only had to buy one candy bar."
"And how did it taste?"
"I don't know. I hate chocolate."
"No, I'm not going. A woman offered me $500 for the ticket. I bet someone else would pay more. We need the money more than we need the chocolate."
"Young man, come here. There's plenty of money out there. They print more every day. But this ticket, there's only five of them in the whole world. And that's all there is ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?"
"No, sir."
"Then get that mud off your pants. You have a factory to go to."
Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. I shake you warmly by the hand. For now, I do invite you to come to my factory and be my guest for one whole day. I, Willy Wonka, will conduct you around the factory myself, showing you everything there is to see. Afterwards, when it is time to leave, you will be escorted home by a procession of large trucks each filled with all the chocolate you could ever eat. And remember, one of you lucky five children will receive an extra prize beyond your wildest imagination. Now, here are you instructions. On the first of February, you must come to the factory at 10 a.m. sharp. You're allowed one member of your family to look after you. Until then, Willy Wonka.
"Oh, this is going to be fun."
The five children with their parents stood outside of Wonka's Chocolate Factory waiting to get in. There was a crowd of people behind a barricade. Many photographers were snapping pictures and reporters gave their reports of what was going on, filling in audiences about the children chosen to go in.
The families stood in a line, looking side to side at the other contestants.
As the time for the gates to open and Willy Wonka to emerge grew closer, a hush fell over the crowd.
Veruca was growing impatient. "Daddy, I want to go in."
Mr. Salt looked at his watch. "It's 9:59, sweetheart."
"Make time go faster."
"Do you think Mr. Wonka will recognize you?" Charlie asked his Grandpa Joe.
"Hard to say. It's been years."
Augustus crunched loudly on a Wonka Bar, Mrs. Gloop expertly ignoring the sound.
Mrs. Beauregarde looked down at her daughter. "Eyes on the prize, Violet. Eyes on the prize."
Mr. Teavee seemed more nervous than his son.
The gates slowly opened.
"Please enter," said a voice on an intercom.
The families hurried in and the gates closed behind them.
"Come forward."
They walked up to the steps leading up to the door.
The door opened and two people stepped out. The first was a pale man with a brown bob sticking out from under his top hat. He wore a suit of a red velvet jacket, black shirt with a pocket watch chain looping across the front, black pants, and a pair of purple gloves. Instead of a tie, a Wonka logo broach held his collar shut. In one hand he held a cane. The second person was a woman in a navy jacket, pencil skirt, and heels. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bun and she had on cat-eye glasses. She had a lapel pin of the Wonka logo on the left side.
"Good morning, starshine, the Earth says hello!" the man greeted with a smile. When he didn't get any reaction he cleared his throat.
"Who is that?" Mike asked rudely.
"He's Willy Wonka," said Grandpa Joe.
"Really?"
Wonka took out some note cards. "Dear guests, greetings. I shake you warmly by the hand." He started to extend his hand, but seeing as everyone was just staring at him, he withdrew it. "My name is Willy Wonka. I'm sorry if this seems a little boring; I was going to have a nice animatronic setup with music, but my assistant, Ms. Aneles, thought it was it was a bad idea." He looked over his shoulder at the woman.
"You are many things, Mr. Wonka, an electrician is not one of them," the woman replied in monotone.
Grandpa Joe spoke up, "Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you'll remember me, but I used to work here at the factory."
Wonka looked at him with a dark expression. "Were you one of those despicable spies who tried to steal my life's work and sell it to parasitic, copycat, candy-making cads?"
"No, sir."
Wonka's face lit up with a smile. "Then wonderful, welcome back. First, I need to see your Golden Tickets."
The five children presented their Golden Tickets.
Ms. Aneles took out something from her pocket and handed it to Wonka. It was a small black light. Wonka shined it on the Golden Tickets and a tiny watermark in the corner lit up. He handed the light back to Ms. Aneles.
"Okay, let's get a move on, kids. Come quickly, far too much to see."
They entered the factory.
The long hallway they were in was plain with a red carpet running the length of it.
"Just drop your coats anywhere," said Wonka.
There weren't any coat hangers, so they hung their coats on the velvet ropes that flanked the entrance.
"Mr. Wonka, sure is toasty in here," Mr. Teavee commented.
"We do apologize for that," said Ms. Aneles. "There is a malfunctioning thermostat in this section of the factory. However being February, we rather have it too warm than too cold. The rest of the factory is at a reasonable temperature."
Wonka began to lead the way.
Violet suddenly hugged him.
Wonka was startled and pulled back.
Violet let go. "Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde!" She chomped on her piece of gum.
"I don't care," Wonka said with weak disgust and continued walking.
"Well, you should care," said Violet, "because I'm the girl who's going to win the very special prize at the end."
"Well, you do seem confident and confidence is key," said Wonka.
Violet looked back at her mother excitedly and got her approving look.
They didn't get much farther before Veruca jumped in front of Wonka. "I'm Veruca Salt. It's very nice to meet you, sir," she said sweetly, curtseying a little.
"I always thought a verruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot," said Wonka with a little laugh.
Augustus got between them and took a huge bite out of the Wonka Bar in his hand. "I'm Augustus Gloop. I love your chocolate," he said with a mouthful of said chocolate.
"I can see that. So do I! I never expected we'd have so much in common." Wonka paused and turned around. He looked down at Mike. "You. You're Mike Teavee. You're the little devil who cracked the system. I must say I hadn't seen Ms. Aneles so impressed with anyone in a long time when we heard."
He then turned to Charlie.
"And you – you're just lucky to be here, aren't you?"
"Mr. Wonka, we need to begin or we will not be on schedule," said Ms. Aneles.
"You are right! Let's get a move on!" He led them forward.
Augustus turned to Charlie. "Would you like some chocolate?"
"Sure."
"Then you should have brought some." He laughed and devoured his chocolate bar.
Veruca and Violet looked at each other.
"Let's be friends," Veruca said to the blonde.
"Best friends," responded Violet.
They linked arms, but neither smiled, both already planning on how to win.
At the end of the hall was a door. In front of it was a table with some papers on top.
"We'll commence with the paperwork first," said Ms. Aneles.
"Paperwork?" asked Mr. Teavee.
"For the lifetime supply of chocolate, preparation for the one who wins the special prize at the end, NDAs about what you're about to see -."
"Now wait a moment," said Mr. Salt. "I am not signing anything without reading over it first."
"As expected," said Ms. Aneles. "But we need to get this taken care of first. The tour will be long and I believe the children will want to go home when we reach the end and not want to sit through paperwork."
Wonka leaned over to Mr. Salt. "She's a stickler for it. An absolute killjoy."
"Only because you are terrible with paperwork," Ms. Aneles said to Wonka. "I remember the state of your files when I began."
Wonka winced.
The ringing of a phone echoed through the hall. Ms. Aneles walked over to a wall and pressed on it to open a panel. A red phone was ringing. Ms. Aneles answered it. After a moment, she hung up.
"There is an issue in shipping," she announced.
"Go," Wonka shooed with his hands. "I can give them the tour. It's my factory after all."
"Paperwork first," Ms. Aneles said sternly.
"Yes, yes, we'll do the paperwork," said Wonka.
Ms. Aneles walked away.
Wonka faced the group. "Now, this paperwork."
The children watched as their parents went over the paperwork.
"This is boring," complained Mike.
Veruca crossed her arms and sulked. "I want to go in. Why do we have to do this?"
A door off to the side opened on its own. It drew the children's attention. A light turned on.
"What is that?" asked Augustus.
They went over to the door.
The room was small, not much bigger than a coat closet. There was a small table and sitting on it was a long box.
"Mr. Wonka, what's this?" Violet asked loudly.
But Wonka was talking to their parents. They didn't seem to hear her.
The five of them crammed themselves into the little room.
The box was decorated with pictures of colorful candies and a factory.
"It looks like a board game," said Charlie.
Mike scoffed. "Board games are for babies."
"Why would this be here?" asked Veruca.
Violet opened the box. It was on a hinge and opened up into a large game board. Each section was a different part of the candy factory. There were five playing tokens and a set of cards.
"This looks fun," said Veruca.
"Can we just go?" asked Mike. "It's just some stupid board game. Who cares?"
"I want to play!" snapped Veruca.
"Same," said Violet, snatching up the blue token.
"Hey! I wanted that one!" complained Veruca.
"You snooze, you lose," said Violet.
Veruca huffed and picked up the red piece.
"I will be yellow," said Augustus. He tucked his chocolate bar in his pocket so he had his hands free to play.
Mike groaned. "Fine, gimme green."
"That leaves you with orange," Violet told Charlie, handing him his piece.
"But what about the tour?" asked Charlie.
"It doesn't look like they're going to be done anytime soon," said Violet. "Let's play until they're ready."
They put their pieces at the start.
"Who goes first?" asked Augustus.
"Me! I want to go first," said Veruca.
"Did anyone read how to play?" asked Charlie.
Veruca grabbed a card from the stack. "'Welcome to Sweet Treats and Spoiled Milk, where choices contribute to the adventure you have. They could be sweet or they could be sour. You determine the path you take.'"
There was a flash of light and the children were gone.
Chapter 2
Charlie opened his eyes. He looked around and found the other children with him. But something was wrong.
"What the?"
"What's going on?"
"We look like cartoons!"
And they did. The children looked like they were in a cartoon. Their heads seemed a little bigger, their eyes wider, and their limbs thinner, except for Augustus – he looked more rounded with a chocolate smear across his mouth. The colors were more vibrant and the room they were in, which was now the entrance to the factory, had impossibly high ceilings.
"We are cartoons," Charlie said, looking around the hall.
"Well, you're not illustrations. This isn't The Pagemaster."
There was a woman standing off to the side. Her dress had a wide skirt, part of it gathered up to reveal the layers of different colors and fabrics in shades of brown, tan, cream, and caramel. A bolt of chocolate satin wrapped around and made up the front of the bodice, pleated and folded over decoratively like ripples of melted chocolate. Her boots were chocolate colored knee-highs and laced up with black laces. Her hair was done up in curls and twined with the askew fascinator made up of chocolate shavings, cookie straws, and sliced strawberries. Her earrings were one strawberry on the opposite side the fascinator was leaning and a raspberry in the other ear. Her makeup was berry eyeshadow, black liner, and glossed lips. In one hand was a takeaway cup with "Rita's Italian Ice" written on the side and the contents looked like a chocolate smoothie.
"Who are you?" asked Violet.
"I'm Selena, your Wonka Chocolate Factory tour guide."
"Where's Mr. Wonka?" asked Veruca.
"Where's everyone else?" Charlie added.
"Willy's a bit busy at the moment," said Selena. "Pesky paperwork; you gotta worry about all the legalities when it comes to stuff like this. But I'm available. I can do the job of showing you around just as well as he can."
"You?" asked Mike with a snort.
Selena looked down her nose and narrowed her eyes at him. "Yes, me."
"What about our parents?" asked Violet.
Selena tipped her head in her direction. "Do you want your parents with you? Wouldn't it be such a drag with them here? Come on, let's have some fun!"
She started walking down the red carpet.
The five children looked at each other.
Augustus reached in his pocket and pulled out his half-eaten Wonka Bar. "Should we follow her?" He took a bite of his chocolate.
"Maybe we should try to find a way back," said Charlie, looking around. "Our parents will be worried if they can't find us."
"It's probably part of the tour," said Violet. "A test to see who gets the special prize." She jogged after Selena.
"That doesn't make sense!" Mike called after her.
The others ran to catch up.
Selena stopped in front of a very tiny door. She spun on her heel to face them. "Now, you all know you're getting a lifetime supply of chocolate. But the special prize is something that wasn't announced yet. Would you like to know what it is?"
The children leaned forward.
"Well, I'm not going to tell you. Not yet anyway. The best prize is a surprise! Now." She reached her free hand into her pocket and fished around for something. "Ah-ha! Here they are!" She withdrew her hand and five colored candy squares were in her palm. She gave them a toss in the air.
The squares started twisting and growing, shaping themselves into five child sized blobs. Each one was the color of the playing pieces the children chose and were forming themselves into copies of the children.
The children took a few steps back, their doppelgangers losing their single color to look lifelike. They stared back with simple smiles.
"What is that?" Augustus asked.
"Taffies!" Selena said brightly, putting a hand on the Charlie copy. "Fun little candies. You can stretch them and twist them into all different shapes!" She turned her attention to the doppelgangers. "Okay, you guys. While these kids play with me here, you pretend to be them with their parents. Okay?"
The five taffies nodded.
"Very good!" Selena pulled the game board out from behind her back and opened it up. The five taffies were sucked in. She closed it with a flourish. Another flick of her hand and it disappeared. "Now, the tour!"
She whirled around to the door, skirt twirling, and continued the turn. "Wait a minute. Wardrobe." She snapped her fingers at Violet and Veruca. Violet's tracksuit became a much nicer pantsuit with a red belt and Veruca's dress was now red. "Much better. Violet, you look great in any shade of blue, honey."
"What was that for?" snapped Veruca.
"I have some fun clothes, so why can't you?" asked Selena.
She snapped her fingers at Charlie and Augustus. Charlie's sweater turned solid blue and Augustus was changed into a gray jacket, shorts, and tall socks.
"A bit dated on you, but lederhosen would have looked more ridiculous than the stripes you were wearing." She then turned her attention to Mike.
"Oh, no, you're not changing my clothes!" barked Mike.
"Who's gonna stop me?" Selena smirked.
Mike tried to run, but she snapped her fingers and put Mike in a cowboy outfit complete with lots of fringe and a white cowboy hat.
"How adorable!" she cooed.
Mike ripped the hat off and threw it down.
"Now where were we?" Selena asked. "Ah, the tour!" She turned back to the door. She knelt down and fiddled with the knob.
"Why's the door so small?" asked Mike. "There's no way we're going to fit through that."
Selena looked over her shoulder. "I just created copies of the five of you and swapped out your clothes. You think you can't get through a little door?" The knob clicked and she stood up. "You're not wrong." She pushed on the wall and the entire thing opened up.
They walked in and gazed upon the fanciful garden in front of them. Giant spotted toadstools, pink and red striped pumpkins, leafless trees of colorful bark and twisted limbs all planted in long bright green grass, and cutting through it all was a river of melted chocolate stemming from the waterfall at the other end of the room.
"Now do be careful, my dear children," Selena said, a smile on her face. "Don't lose your heads, don't get overexcited, just keep very . . . calm."
The children looked around the room. Augustus's eyes widened absurdly and he dropped his Wonka Bar. Violet blew a large bubble before going back to chewing.
"It's beautiful," said Charlie.
"Hmm?" Selena hummed. "Oh, yes, it's very beautiful. You should see it in winter. It's rigged up to snow powder sugar and shaved coconut flakes. Come along, children. I'll show you around."
They walked along a path of stones, going up to the chocolate river.
"Every drop of the river is hot melted chocolate of the finest quality," Selena told them, leading them across a bridge in front of the waterfall. She paused to direct their attention to it. "The waterfall is most important. It mixes the chocolate, churns it up and makes it light and frothy. Wonka's Chocolate Factory is the only factory in the world that uses this process. Everybody else doesn't think it can be done."
They crossed to the other side. Selena looked up and saw some pipes moving around.
"Children," Selena called out. She pointed up to the pipes. "Those pipes suck up the chocolate and carry it away all over the factory. They can move thousands of gallons an hour."
One of the pipes lowered into the river and began to suck up chocolate.
"Do you like the meadow?" she asked, spreading her hands wide. "Try some of the grass."
"You can eat the grass?" asked Charlie.
Selena nodded. "Mm-hmm! Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible, but that is called cannibalism, dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. Now go explore. Enjoy. Shoo, shoo." She flapped a hand at them to send them off.
The five children scattered to try the different candies in the room.
Mike started smashing open the pumpkins, but ignoring the jelly and cream fillings inside.
Charlie went over to one of the trees that had candy apples hanging on it. He reached out for one, but it was taken by Violet. She took out her gum and put it behind her ear.
"Why hold on to it?" Charlie asked. "Why not start a new piece?"
"Because then I wouldn't be a champion," she sneered at him. "I'd be a loser, like you." She took a bite out of the apple and walked away.
Augustus went around shoving his fat hands in everything and gobbling it up, smearing it all over his face. He dropped to his knees and started pulling up fistfuls of grass to eat.
Veruca was licking a lollipop and looking around. "What's that over there? It's a little person!"
The others turned to look. There was a little person in a red jumpsuit on the embankment across the river. It had a small jackhammer and was digging up some of the grass and dirt.
"There's more than one," said Violet.
And there were. Many little people in shiny red jumpsuits were actually harvesting the different candies from around the room. They all had dark skin and black hair that was twisted and pinned back. Those working with heavy equipment had ear protection on.
"Who are they?" asked Charlie.
Mike looked up at Selena. "Are they real people?" he asked skeptically.
"Of course they're real people," Selena shot back. "They're Oompa-Loompas."
"Oompa-Loompas?" repeated Veruca.
"Imported, direct from Loompaland."
Mike scoffed. "There's no such place."
"What?" asked Selena.
"My dad teaches high school geography," Mike went on.
"Well, then he's told you all about it and, oh, what a terrible country is it," Selena interrupted, plopping the cowboy hat on his head.
Mike ripped it off his head and threw it away.
"It's nothing but a place of thick jungles and dangerous beasts. Hornswogglers and snozzwangers and those terrible, wicked whangdoodles. Willy went to Loompaland looking for exotic new flavors for candy. He didn't find anything marketable, but he did find the Oompa-Loompas.
"They lived in tree houses to escape the fierce creatures who lived below. Their diet consisted not much else than crushed green caterpillars. They looked for other things to make the caterpillars taste better: red beetles, the bark of the bong-bong tree. But what they longed for the most was the cocoa bean. An Oompa-Loompa was lucky if he found three or four cocoa beans a year. And oh, how they love cocoa beans. The cocoa bean happens to be the thing that chocolate is made, so Willy told the chief to come live in the factory and they can have all the cocoa beans they want. He'd even pay their wages in cocoa beans if they wished. The chief agreed. The Oompa-Loompas now have a safe place to stay and a steady food supply and Willy has workers who wouldn't sell his secrets to the competition. They are such wonderful workers. But they are mischievous, always making jokes."
Charlie noticed Augustus on the other bank scooping up chocolate from the river into his mouth. "Should he be doing that?"
The others looked over.
"No, he should not," Selena said tightly. "Boy, the chocolate is not to be touched by human hands!"
And just like that Augustus tumbled in.
"But the rest of you, that's fine," Selena added sarcastically.
Augustus surfaced and floundered about.
Selena sighed. "Great. An entire batch of chocolate – ruined." She looked up over her shoulder and smiled widely.
A pipe was moving into place. It extended down and started sucking up chocolate right next to Augustus. The current pulled on him and he was caught in the chocolate whirlpool the suction was creating.
"Hold your breath, kid!" Selena yelled.
Augustus went under only to reappear in the pipe. He stuck for a moment. The chocolate forced itself out the seam of the pipe and Augustus shot up again.
"There he goes," said Violet.
"How is he small enough to fit up that pipe?" asked Veruca.
Augustus ascension began to slow.
"It isn't big enough," said Charlie. "He's slowing down."
"He's gonna stick," said Mike.
And there Augustus was, caught two-thirds up the pipe.
"He has," Selena stated.
"He's blocked the whole pipe," said Veruca.
A humming began.
"Look, the Oompa-Loompas!" Charlie said.
They were all humming and tapping rhythmically as they worked.
"Back off, you little freaks!" shouted Mike.
"What are they doing?" asked Veruca.
Selena grinned. "They're going to treat us to a little song and dance number. It is a special occasion. They haven't had a fresh audience in months."
The Oompa-Loompas gathered along the banks and started singing and dancing.
Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!
The great big greedy nincompoop!
Augustus Gloop!
So big and vile
So greedy, foul, and infantile
'Come on!' we cried, 'The time is ripe
To send him shooting up the pipe!'
But don't, dear children, be alarmed,
Augustus Gloop will not be harmed,
Augustus Gloop will not be harmed
Although, of course, we must admit
He will be altered quite a bit
Slowly, the wheels go round and round,
The cogs begin to grind and pound,
We boil him for a minute more,
Until we're absolutely sure
Then out he comes! And now! By grace!
A miracle has taken place!
A miracle has taken place!
This greedy brute, this louse's ear
Is loved by people everywhere!
Fore how could hate or bear a grudge
Against a luscious a bit of fudge?
Augustus shot up the pipe and into the holding tank.
"Ah, very good!" Selena applauded. She turned her attention to the remaining four kids. "Well?"
"Well, what?" asked Mike.
"Aren't you going to help your fellow contestant?" she asked.
"Why?" asked Violet. "One less contestant I have to beat out for the special prize."
Selena's smile stretched across her face. "You didn't read the game instructions, did you?"
They shook their heads.
"I can tell," said Selena. "The game doesn't end because one of you completes the tour. It requires all of you to reach the end."
"What?"
"That's not fair!"
"It's perfectly fair," said Selena. "How else am I to decide who gets the special prize? So if Augustus doesn't continue the tour with you, you're stuck here."
"You can't keep us here!" cried Violet.
Selena took a sip of her drink. "Wanna bet? It's not like your parents are going to miss you. Those taffies are doing an excellent job of replacing you. Now, you go get your friend. I have to take care of contaminated chocolate."
The chocolate river began to drain.
"Looks like someone beat me to it," said Selena.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place?" asked Veruca.
Selena scoffed. "You can't just shut off thousands of gallons of melted chocolate."
An Oompa-Loompa appeared, barely reaching the top of her boot. He handed her a clipboard.
Selena squinted at what was on it. "I'll be right there."
The Oompa-Loompa crossed his arms and bowed.
Selena repeated the gesture. She turned and saw the children were still there. "What are you waiting on? Go." She walked off.
"What do we do now?" asked Veruca.
"We help Augustus," said Charlie.
"How?" asked Violet.
"Control room is next to the waterfall!" Selena shouted back at them.
Charlie looked at the others. "Sounds like the control room is a good place to start."
They walked around to the waterfall and saw a metal door. They opened it and found the control room. There were a lot of flashing lights and buzzers. A couple Oompa-Loompas were working at the panel, seemingly trying to get things under control.
"Okay, how do we fix this?" asked Violet, looking around. "It looks like they can't even do it."
"We don't have to fix it. We just have to get the fat kid out of the pipe." Mike walked over to the computer screens and started looking. "Pipe TR1A-C, truffle room . . . Pipe MR, marshmallow room . . . Okay, I think these pipes all go out to different areas of the factory. Somebody go out and see what pipe he's stuck in."
Violet ran out to check. She came running back. "It's FR1STW."
"FR, FR," muttered Mike. "FR1STW, fudge room. It's this one." He got on the computer and redirected the pipe to the empty riverbed. The pipe folded up on itself and the tank was lowered before Mike dumped all the contents out.
Augustus sat up, spluttering chocolate.
"He's out!" Violet called from the doorway.
The others ran out of the control room and to the riverbank.
Charlie went down to help him up and saw Augustus had changed. "You're skinny!"
"Hmm, I don't know about skinny." Selena was standing on the bank watching them. "Looks more like a pool noodle with arms, legs, and a head. Or maybe a bratwurst. But what did you expect? He went up a narrow pipe."
Charlie and Augustus climbed out of the riverbed.
"I thought I would be made into marshmallows," Augustus puffed.
"Couldn't happen," said Selena. "That pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room, it goes to the fudge room, more accurately for the strawberry flavored chocolate coated fudge."
"Then I would have been made into strawberry flavored chocolate coated fudge," Augustus corrected in horror. "They would be selling me by the pound all over the world!"
Selena gave a small shake of her head. "No. I wouldn't allow it. People wouldn't want to eat Augustus flavored chocolate coated Gloop. Ew. No." She turned to the riverbed. "All right, boys! Let's get this last bit of chocolate cleaned up!"
The Oompa-Loompas ran out with packs on their backs and hoses in their hands. They vacuumed up the chocolate and got out of the riverbed. A couple Oompa-Loompas also vacuumed the chocolate off of Augustus's now tube-like body. Moments later molten chocolate began streaming down the waterfall and filling the river again.
"And done. Simple enough," said Selena.
"Miss Selena, why would Augustus's name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song?" asked Charlie.
"They're great improvers," Selena cut him off. "It's a skill that takes some practice. I used to be really good at it. Oh, here it comes!"
"Here comes what?" asked Charlie.
Selena pointed up the river. A large, pink Viking-style boat floated downstream, Oompa-Loompas manning the many oars. One Oompa-Loompa drummed at the front to keep the rhythm of the oars.
"Willy made it out of a giant boiled sweet," Selena told them. "Personally, I would have gone with a normal paddlewheel boat. There's just something classy about them."
The boat pulled up to the shore. The Oompa-Loompas turned to them and started laughing.
"What's so funny?" Violet asked.
"Ignore them. They're always laughing about something," said Selena. "Come along now." She stepped onto the boat and sat at the very back.
The children climbed in after her.
"Onward. And don't lick the boat, Augustus! Remember where your gluttony got you five minutes ago."
Augustus's tongue snapped back into his mouth and he sat up quickly.
The drummer started up and they began to row down the river.
Chapter 3
The boat was rowed leisurely along the chocolate river for the children to get another look at the room. Selena sat at the back, humming jauntily.
"I want a boat just like this," Veruca said. "A big boat made out of a giant boiled sweet."
"And I wanna kick your can 'cause you're vexing me so much and the world'd want me to," Selena sang quietly.
The children turned to her. Veruca was glaring in her direction.
"What are you singing?" asked Violet.
"The candy man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good," Selena sang a bit louder. "You never heard that song?"
"No."
"Never heard of it."
"What a dumb song."
Selena narrowed her eyes at them and sat back.
"I thought it was a nice song," Charlie said quietly.
Selena's expression switched to a bright smile. "Why thank you, Charlie."
The boat turned and headed for a dark tunnel.
"Full speed ahead," ordered Selena.
The drummer at the front picked up his tempo and the Oompa-Loompas rowed faster. The boat slipped into the darkness.
"How can they see where they're going?" asked Violet.
"They can't," Selena replied with a wide smile. "There's no knowing where we're going. Lights!"
The tunnel lit up a split second before the boat lurched forward and careened down the river. Chocolate splashed along the metal walls and against the boat, the fast current carrying them quickly along. The chocolate evened out and the boat slowed down.
"If you have not already noticed, the chocolate river runs under the factory," said Selena. "Right now, we are passing some important rooms right now."
Charlie read off the signs on the doors. "Clotted cream, coffee cream, hair cream."
"What do you use hair cream for?" Mike asked derisively.
Selena turned to him. "Uh, this doesn't stay like this naturally." She patted at her curls. "You have any idea how fried your hair can get doing this? I need something to lock in the moisture."
Mike wrinkled his nose and faced forward.
A cow mooed and whips snapped. To the side was a cow suspended in sling and several Oompa-Loompas were snapping whips at it.
"Whipped cream," Charlie said with a smile.
"Precisely," said Selena.
"That doesn't make any sense," said Veruca.
Selena turned to the girl. "For your information, whipped cream isn't whipped cream unless it's been whipped with whips. That other stuff you get is whisked cream, not whipped cream."
"Does it hurt the cow?" asked Augustus.
"It's more noise than anything," Selena replied. "The real work starts after the cream is collected from the cow."
The current picked up again and they went flying by several other rooms. The boat was turned around a few times before it evened out again.
"Stop the boat here," said Selena, pointing to a door.
The Oompa-Loompas pulled the boat up against the dock. They all got out of the boat and Selena opened the large circular door.
"Welcome to the inventing room," said Selena. "This is the most important room in the entire factory. Without it, Willy wouldn't be where he is today. Now you may explore, but remember: no touching, no tasting, and no telling."
"No telling?" repeated Charlie.
"This is where all the recipes begin. Competitors would sell their own mothers for five minutes in here, first born for ten," said Selena.
The room looked like some mad scientist's lab, filled with all sorts of machines and chemistry sets of brightly colored liquid. Puffs of steam were released periodically from different apparatuses. Oompa-Loompas in shiny jumpsuits and goggles scurried around.
"Okay, you can all look around, but remember, no touching." Selena looked pointedly at Augustus.
The five of them ran off to look around.
Violet and Mike ran over to a vat full of water. Colorful balls were being shot into it. An Oompa-Loompa was snorkeling around, picking some off the bottom.
"Hey, Miss Selena, what's this?" Violet called.
Selena walked over. "Let me show you." She stuck her hand over the vat and the Oompa-Loompa handed a ball to her. The ball was red and a little bigger than a golf ball. "Thank you. These are Ever-Lasting Gobstoppers. They're for children who are given very little allowance money. You can suck on it all year and it won't get any smaller. At least it's not supposed to. Few more tests."
"It's like gum," said Violet.
"No," Selena corrected. "Gum is for chewing and if you tried chewing one of these, you're gonna break your teeth. And that's not very attractive."
Veruca smirked at Violet. Violet glared back.
Selena put the Gobstopper down and led them over to another part of the room. "And over here we have an assortment of products in development. Purple Fuzzy Whiz Doodles, Chocolate Covered Nuts and Bolts, Peach Kibble Cough Drops, Hair Toffee – I don't understand the purpose of that one. – Exploding Candy for Your Enemies – personal favorite."
She picked up a notecard laying on a table and skipped over to a bubbling vat.
"Willy, I'm not your secretary," she said, looking at the note.
"Do you need help with something?" asked Charlie.
"You should be checking out the inventing room, not helping me," said Selena.
"But I want to help," said Charlie.
"Fine. I need Sunny Peach Mumble and Yellow Yelling Candy Corn," said Selena. "The Mumble should be in a bottle around here somewhere."
"I'll find it!" Charlie went around the table looking for what could be Sunny Peach Mumble. He brought her back a bottle.
"Good eye, Charlie," said Selena. "And I found the candy corn. Pour that bottle in, would you?"
Charlie poured the peach contents into the vat.
Selena added the candy corn. She picked up a large mixing spoon and started stirring. "Double, double toil and trouble!" she cackled. "Ah, pity Cackling Witch Hazelnuts don't go into this. Willy likes playing mad scientist, I prefer being a witch. You know I caught him screaming 'It's alive!' when he was working on Shock Tarts."
The children stared at her.
Selena put the spoon down and pranced over to another machine. Oompa-Loompas were adding wheelbarrows of food to a hopper at the top. She gave a wide smile and pulled a lever. The machine started up, bells ringing and buzzers buzzing. It cranked and churned and bubbled and a strip of gum dispensed with a ding.
"That's it?" asked Mike, unimpressed.
"Do you even know what it is?" Selena asked, taking the strip from the machine and holding it up.
"It's gum," Violet replied plainly, chomping on her own piece of gum.
"Eh, half right, I'll give you that," said Selena. "It's the stick of the most fabulous and sensational gum in the entire world. Once it hits market, that is."
"Why?"
"It's a three course meal condensed into this little stick," said Selena. "Willy's trying his hand at reducing world hunger. This one's tomato soup, roast beef, and blueberry pie."
"It sounds great!" said Charlie.
"It sounds weird," Veruca commented.
"It sounds like my kind of gum," said Violet. She snatched the piece of Selena's hand.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Selena warned casually. "It isn't quite right yet."
Violet took her world record piece out of her mouth and stuck it behind her ear. "I'm the world record holder in chewing gum. I'm not afraid of anything!"
Selena shrugged. "I don't know how being a gum chewer has to do with not being afraid of anything, but suit yourself. Just don't say I didn't warn you."
"Violet, maybe you should listen to Fraulein Selena," Augustus said worriedly.
But Violet was already putting the stick of gum in her mouth. She gave several loud chews. "It's amazing! Tomato soup! I can feel it running down my throat!"
"I think you should spit it out," said Charlie.
Violet ignored him. "It's changing! Roast beef and baked potato – crispy skin and butter! I'm the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!"
Veruca fumed at Violet, puffing up her cheeks and pouting.
"Blueberry pie and ice cream!" cried Violet.
"What's happening to her nose?" asked Veruca.
A spot of blue appeared on Violet's nose.
"Her nose is turning purple," said Mike.
"What do you mean?" asked Violet, rubbing at her nose, the color spreading.
"Violet's turning violet," Augustus said. "You shouldn't have eaten that!"
Violet turned to Selena, her entire face now blue.
"I told you it wasn't quite right yet," Selena said, a grin spreading across her face. "It always goes wrong when it comes to the dessert."
"What's happening to her now?" Veruca asked.
Violet was entirely blue and was swelling up like a balloon. Her red belt popped off and went flying, breaking something glass across the room. "Oh, I don't feel so good," she groaned.
Soon she was nothing but a large orb that towered over the other children.
Selena put her drink cup down and pulled out a pen and notepad out of nowhere. "And that makes 21," she sighed and marked down.
"21?" asked Charlie.
"21 blueberries," Selena explained, tucking away the notepad and pen. "The gum's been tested before, but Willy hasn't figured out a way to stop the blueberry pie from turning Oompa-Loompas – and now children – into blueberries."
"But I can't be a blueberry," moaned Violet. "How am I supposed to compete?"
"You can enter a county fair," Veruca suggested.
"Do they do largest blueberry?" Selena asked. "I know about pumpkins, melons, and squash, but berries were always in pie form."
Steam began hissing and machines began whistling and humming in time. The Oompa-Loompas began to gather around Violet and started to sing.
Listen close, and listen hard, the tale of Violet Beauregarde
The dreadful girl, she sees no wrong
Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long
Chewing, chewing all day long
Chewing, chewing all day long
Chewing, chewing all day long
She goes on chewing 'til at last, her chewing muscles grow so fast
And from her face her giant chin, sticks out like a violin
Chewing, chewing all day long
Chewing, chewing all day long
Chewing, chewing all day long
For years and years she chews away, her jaws get stronger every day
And with one great tremendous chew, they bite the poor girl's tongue in two
And that is why we try so hard, to save Miss Violet Beauregarde
Chewing, chewing all day long
Chewing, chewing all day long
Chewing, chewing all day long!
They rolled her across the inventing room to another door.
"What happens now?" asked Augustus.
"We have to help her," said Charlie. He turned to Selena. "Right? Just like we had to help Augustus."
"How?" asked Mike. "She's a giant blueberry. It's not like we can push a button and dump her out of a tank like him."
"There has to be a way to fix her," said Charlie.
"There is," said Selena. "She needs to be taken to the juicing room. Getting the juice out of her is the easy part. Getting her to the juicing room is going to take a bit more effort. Come along."
They followed her through the same door the Oompa-Loompas had pushed Violet through. On the other side they were waiting for Selena.
"Thank you, gentlemen. We'll take it from here," said Selena.
The Oompa-Loompas went back to the inventing room.
"The juicing room is a few halls over," explained Selena. "You four roll her there. I'll get the juicer started up."
"You're leaving us to move her by ourselves?" Mike asked incredulously.
"There's four of you. You can do it," said Selena. "Make each roll count and you'll be there in no time." She walked off, quickly disappearing in the hall.
"How are we to know where we're going?" asked Veruca.
"By the signs?" Augustus pointed up to an illuminated sign that pointed in the direction of the juicing room. Down farther was another.
"Okay, help me push," said Charlie, getting behind Violet and pushing.
The others got behind her and started pushing.
"She's heavy," strained Veruca.
Violet moaned. "Be careful. That hurts."
"This isn't working," Mike said, stepping back.
"We can't give up," Charlie told them, still trying to push. He gave it up. "We need to do it together."
"That's what we were doing," snapped Mike.
"If the Oompa-Loompas can do it, we can, too," said Charlie. "We just need to work together. Everyone, get ready to push." He set himself up to push again.
Mike, Veruca, and Augustus put their hands on Violet.
Charlie counted down, "Three, two, one, push!"
The four pushed at the same time. Violet began to roll.
"It's working! Keep going, guys!" Charlie encouraged.
They rolled Violet down the hall.
"We need to turn. Get on one side and push away from the wall."
They got her around the corner and stopped.
"Oh, no," said Veruca.
"What? What's wrong?" asked Violet.
The hall was divided up with machines on either side. There were rails to keep things back and from falling into the equipment. The width of their path was wide, but turned like a maze. The door they needed to get to was on the same side of the hall they were, but they had to get her through the room to get to it.
"We're never going to get her there," moaned Augustus. "We'll be too tired before get to the end."
Charlie looked at the railings. "Maybe. But Selena said if we can make each push count we can make it. If we give a hard enough shove, maybe we can bounce her off the railings."
Mike thought about it. "The railings are on an angle. It would be like a giant game of pinball."
"Pinball? Oh, no," groaned Violet.
"Hang on, Violet, we'll get you to the juicer," said Charlie.
With one great shove they sent her rolling across the hall. She bounced off one railing and angled into another before coming to a stop at the other side of the room. The others jogged to catch up to her.
"I think I'm gonna be sick," she groaned.
"Please don't," said Augustus.
"I think we can get her through the other door with one more shove," said Mike.
"Hopefully that's the last door," said Veruca.
They shoved Violet again and she went rolling through the door.
"There's still more!" she shouted back.
Mike huffed and Veruca and Augustus groaned. On the other side of the door there were more railings and the door on the opposite side of the room.
"We can do this in one push. We just need the right angle." Mike walked around, trying to figure out the angle exactly. He walked back. "I'll line her up and when I tell you, you push."
It took a few more moments for Mike to line up where to push Violet so she would hit the railing where she needed to.
"Okay, get ready. Push!"
Violet rolled and ricocheted off a wall and a railing before neatly rolling through the door.
"Nice job!" they heard Selena call through the door.
They followed Violet and found her at the bottom of a sloped floor. Selena was off to the side at a control panel.
"Stand back and watch," she told them. She pressed a button and a giant tube came down from the ceiling to cover Violet. She pressed another button and the machine started up. "And now we wait."
And they waited. Selena hummed and kept checking her wrist like she was wearing a watch, sipping on her drink.
There was a loud ding and the tube retreated back into the ceiling. Violet was no longer a blueberry, but her skin and hair were still blue.
"There! All done. Moving on." Selena walked around the control panel and to a door.
"That's it?" Violet cried, looking at her hands. "I'm still blue!"
"And a lovely hue, too!" Selena added.
Veruca snickered at Violet's misfortune. Violet glared at her.
"Will it ever go away?" asked Charlie.
Selena shrugged. "Eventually. Maybe. We'll see. Come along, children, come along."
They left the juicing room and continued the tour.
Chapter 4
Selena led them down a hallway. "Oh, I want to show you this! These are fun. Square candies that look round." She pointed at a window. Inside were rows and rows of what looked to be oversized sugar cubes with faces on painted on them.
"They don't look round," Veruca argued.
"Yes, they do. Watch." Selena tapped on the glass.
At the sound, all the eyes on the candies quickly looked around at the noise.
"See, they look round," Selena said with a smug smile to Veruca. "And now over here we have lickable wallpaper for nursery walls. Babies love exploring the world with their mouths and this is a safe way to introduce the flavors the world has to offer: bananas, strawberries, raspberries, and snozzberries."
"Snozzberries?" Mike interrupted.
"Snozzberries," Selena confirmed. "Oranges, lemons, plums, grapes, pineapple, and maybe eventually the more exotic fruits."
"What's a snozzberry taste like?" asked Augustus.
Selena stopped and thought for a moment. "You can't really describe it. You have to experience it. I think it tastes like a combination a grape and a strawberry. Willy says it tastes like a blackberry and a pomegranate."
The group continued to move until Selena stopped them at a door.
"Check this out," she said, opening the door.
The room was circular with workstations lining it. Hoppers of walnuts were suspended from the ceiling and dropping down walnuts to the workers. There was a large hole in the middle of the room where some of the walnuts were being thrown. Perched on high stools were the workers, but they were not Oompa-Loompas.
"Squirrels!" Veruca squealed in delight.
"Uh-huh. These squirrels are specially trained to shell walnuts," said Selena.
"Why use squirrels? Not Oompa-Loompas?" asked Augustus.
"Because Oompa-Loompas can't get the whole walnut out in one piece," Selena answered. "Squirrels can. Ooh, look how they tap on it with their little knuckles! They can hear if it's a good nut or a bad nut. If it's a good nut, they shell it and it's sent off to be used. But if it's a bad nut, it goes down the garbage chute." She pointed at the hole in the floor.
"I've decided I want a squirrel!" Veruca declared. "I want one of those squirrels!"
"These are Willy's. You can't have one," said Selena.
"But I want one!" Veruca screamed, stomping her feet. "All I've got at home is two dogs and four cats and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle and bowl of goldfish and a cage of white mice and a silly old hamster! I want a squirrel! And I want a trained squirrel!"
Selena looked down her nose at the screaming child. "No. You can't have one."
"Who says I can't!" Veruca shouted. "I'm going in to grab me a squirrel this very minute!" She ran into the room.
The squirrels stopped what they were doing and turned to her. Veruca kept walking, scanning the room of squirrels. She focused in on a squirrel at the end. It stared back at her.
"I'll have you!" She reached out pick it up.
The squirrel jumped off the stool along with all the others and swarmed Veruca. They jumped and pounced and crawled all over her. She panicked and floundered and fell to the floor. The squirrels pinned her arms and legs down. The squirrel she had tried to pick up jumped onto her shoulder. It tapped on her head with its knuckles.
"What are they doing to her?" asked Violet.
"They're testing to see if she's a bad nut," Selena replied with a wide smile.
The squirrels started carrying her across the floor.
"Seems like she is a bad nut," added Selena.
Veruca kicked and screamed as the squirrels carried her off.
"Where are they taking her?" asked Charlie.
"To the garbage chute," said Selena.
"Where does that lead?" asked Charlie.
"To the incinerator."
The other children looked at her in horror.
"No worries, it's only lit on Tuesdays," Selena assured them.
"Today is Tuesday," Mike pointed out.
"Is it? Well, maybe they didn't light it today," Selena said unbothered.
They watched as Veruca was thrown down the garbage chute. The squirrels quickly went back to their stations and got back to work.
Faint vocalizations could be heard and music started playing. Oompa-Loompas came out from the service doors and began to prance around.
Veruca Salt, the little brute
Has gone down the garbage chute
And she will meet as she descends
A rather different set of friends
A rather different set of friends
A rather different set of friends
A fish head, for example, cut
This morning from a halibut
An oyster from an oyster stew
A steak that no one else would chew
And lots of other things as well
Each with a rather horrid smell
Horrid smell
These are Veruca's new found friends
That she will meet as she descends
These are Veruca's new found friends!
Who went and spoiled her
Who indeed?
Who pandered to her every need?
Who turned her into such a brat?
Who are the culprits? Who did that?
The guilty ones, now this is sad
Dear Old Mum and Loving Dad!
The Oompa-Loompas danced out of the room.
Selena clapped. "How lovely." She turned to the children. "Now there may be chance that she's stuck in the chute just below the top and if that's the case, all you have to do is reach down there and pull her out."
"I'm not climbing down there," said Mike.
"Not without a harness, I wouldn't let you," said Selena. "Use the maintenance equipment."
A door from the ceiling popped open above the garbage chute and a harness dropped down.
"We have to clean it now and then or garbage can get stuck and then it gets backed up and that isn't pretty," Selena told them. "It shouldn't be too bad. It should have been cleaned earlier this week."
The children looked at the garbage chute.
"Who wants to go down there?" asked Augustus.
"I'll go," volunteered Charlie.
Charlie went over to the garbage chute and began to put the harness on. He struggled with the straps.
"Maybe I should go," said Violet.
"I can do it," said Charlie.
"Have you ever gone rock climbing before?" Violet asked. "I've done it."
"I can do it," Charlie insisted.
Violet rolled her eyes. She started doing up the straps for him. "Let me do these. You don't want to fall out of your harness."
Charlie started at the edge and began inching his way down. For a garbage chute, it didn't smell all that bad. It mostly smelled of cleaner, meaning Selena was right and it had been cleaned recently.
The other children watched from above as he continued his descent. The chute bent and Charlie was able to walk on a steep decline around the bend. His foot slipped and he fell.
"Charlie!" Violet cried.
He slid down the chute a few feet before the rope pulled tight and he stopped suddenly.
"I'm okay!" he shouted. He got no response. He tugged on the rope and got some slack from it to continue his journey down.
"If she was down here, I would have seen her by now, right?" Charlie wondered out loud, looking for a glimpse of red from Veruca's dress.
There was a loud snap of the rope breaking and Charlie slid down the long chute. There was a bright light and he fell out only to land on top of a pile of garbage.
"Oh, there you are," he heard Selena say. He looked up to see Selena and the other children at the foot of the pile. Veruca was absolutely covered in garbage. "Turns out the incinerator has been broken for three weeks. Good thing, too. You had something soft-ish to land on."
Charlie climbed off the garbage pile. "Why is Veruca covered in garbage and I'm not?"
"Because there was garbage sent down another part of the chute between you and her," said Violet. "Are you okay? The rope snapped, but Selena didn't seem too concerned about it."
"Yeah, I'm fine," said Charlie.
There was a loud boom and a flash. The conveyor belt with all the garbage on it began to move, feeding the incinerator.
"Huh, what do you know? Fixed," said Selena. She turned walked out of the room.
The children looked at each other, Veruca clearly horrified, before running after her.
Selena walked over to a door and pushed a button. "You know, we could have been using the elevator this entire time, but it just seemed so . . . pedestrian."
The doors opened and they got in a clear elevator. There were buttons covering the entire one wall, each labeled with an etching next to it.
"There can't be this many floors," said Mike.
"And you would know this how?" Selena asked. "And for your information, this is not the average elevator. This elevator not only goes up and down, but sideways and longways and slantways and backways and any other direction you can think up, except upside-down. We haven't figured out that one without making a mess. Now I believe we have time for a couple more places. The question is: what to go see? Laffy Taffy, Cocoa Cats, Black Box of Frogs, Brussel Sprout Ice Cream, Lickety Split Peas – choices, choices. Any suggestions?"
Violet sneered in disgust as she stood beside Veruca. "How about somewhere she smells fresher," she suggested.
"Or maybe somewhere where she isn't a blue freak," Veruca shot back.
Selena quipped back with, "Girls, don't fight. You're both messes." She looked at the list of button. "Ah, forget it." She pressed a single button.
The doors closed and the elevator jerked sideways, speeding along its track through the factory. The children were flattened against the side and then were slammed into a puddle on the floor.
Selena looked down at them. "What are you doing down there?" she asked innocently. "You're going to miss everything."
The children got up with some struggling.
"How are you not being thrown around?" asked Veruca.
Selena smirked and wiggled the hand strap she was holding on to.
The elevator slowed down to a more manageable speed and changed direction so they went the length of a room.
"If you would look out the window you will see our small batch kitchen," Selena said. "Once a product has cleared the inventing room, we make small batches of it to send to select stores and get feedback from customers. If it does well, we mass produce it and then it's sent all over the world. Right now they are making small batches of Rainbow Drops and Candy-Coated Pencils."
They left the room and started ascending.
"And here is the fudge room. You almost ended up here earlier, Augustus."
Large knives were sectioning bricks of fudge into smaller portions for packaging.
Augustus gulped.
They shifted on the track and they went down.
"And here is the administration offices," Selena announced.
The room was circular for the elevator to go vertical. The desks were arranged so the Oompa-Loompas could look at who was coming and going. The Oompa-Loompas here appeared to be all female in their pink office wear and pearl necklaces.
The elevator paused as it changed its direction on the track.
"Hello, Doris," Selena greeted.
The Oompa-Loompa looked over her glasses and waved.
They went horizontal into the next room and continued to descended, picking up speed. Oompa-Loompas were shooting colorful balls out of cannons at targets. They exploded like fireworks, sending showers of sugar through the air.
"Why is everything here completely pointless?" Mike asked snobbishly.
Selena looked down her nose at him.
Charlie turned to him. "Candy doesn't have to have a point, that's why it's candy," he said.
"It's stupid!" Mike shot back. "Candy is a waste of time."
"Says you," said Selena. "I have to wonder, you won a ticket, but you don't like candy. Why are you even here?"
Mike looked up at her with his perpetual aggravated expression. "I don't like chocolate. There is some candy I like, but it's not this stupid. And I just did it to show people I could."
Some of the other children gasped and looked at Selena. That wide smile of hers was starting to stretch across her face.
"You are a highly intelligent boy, but you're dull and imaginative," she told him. "If you think all I'm showing you right now is stupid, why not pick the next room?"
Mike looked at the different buttons. Nothing interested him until he saw . . .
"You have a television room here?" he asked in surprise.
"Mm-hmm. I thought you might like that one," said Selena. "Hit the button."
Mike didn't need any more prompting. He smacked the button and the elevator jerked to a stop before going backwards.
Chapter 5
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened with a ding. They stepped out and stood in front of the television room door. Selena grabbed some oversized sunglasses off a rack and handed them to the children.
"You'll need to put these on or else you'll burn your eyes right out of your head," she told them. She put her own pair on. "Ready?" She opened the door.
The room was bright white and very clean, no specks of dust anywhere. Bright lights allowed few shadows to be cast. A massive camera was mounted to the ceiling. An Oompa-Loompa operated the controls, moving it around on its track, but always pointing at a dais. Off to the side was an Oompa-Loompa sitting in a chair and watching a television. He flipped through the channels. Other Oompa-Loompas were doing various tasks around the room.
"This is the testing room for Willy's latest and greatest invention," Selena proclaimed, leading them around the room. "Television chocolate. One day it occurred to him if television could break up a photograph into millions and millions of tiny little pieces and send them whizzing through the air and reassemble it on the other end, then why can't we do the same thing with chocolate? Why can't we send a real bar of chocolate through the television all ready to be eaten? Be a great way to market free samples."
"Sounds impossible," said Augustus.
"It is impossible," Mike said to Selena. "You don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between waves and particles. Duh! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy and matter would be like nine atomic bombs."
Selena stopped and looked down at Mike. "Honey, you've been sucked into a board game, turned into cartoons, and that's not counting one of you looks like he got extruded out a pastry bag and another was a giant blueberry. I think it's safe to say science took a personal day. Nice hat by the way."
The cowboy hat was back on Mike's head. He grabbed it and threw it on the ground.
Selena turned her attention to the dais. "Okie-dokie, I shall now send a bar of chocolate from one end of the room to the other," she pointed to the television, "by television. Bring in the chocolate!"
A group of Oompa-Loompas carried in a gigantic Wonka Bar and placed it on the dais.
"It's got to be real big," said Selena. "You know how on TV you film a regular size man and he comes out looking this tall." She held her thumb and index finger apart. "Same principle. Haven't worked out that particular kink out yet. Few more tests." She pressed a large red button the console.
The dais rose and a clear tube encased the chocolate. The giant bar began to float inside the tube. The Oompa-Loompas directed the camera and the lights. There was a bright flash of light and the tube was empty.
"It's gone!" cried Charlie.
Selena smiled at them. "Told you. Now that bar of chocolate is now whizzing over our heads in millions of tiny pieces. Come over here!"
She led them over to the television the Oompa-Loompa was watching. They gathered in front of the screen.
"Look there. Here it comes."
They looked to see the Wonka Bar appearing into view.
Selena tapped Mike's arm. "Take it."
"It's just a picture on a screen," he told her.
Selena made a show of rolling her eyes behind her glasses. "You take it," she told Charlie.
Charlie put his hand up to the screen, unsure.
"It's okay," said Selena. "The other things on screen can't hurt you."
Charlie pushed his fingers through the screen and pulled out the chocolate bar.
The other children stared in disbelief.
Selena continued to smile. "Eat it. Go on. It's the same bar, it's just got a bit smaller on the journey."
Charlie unwrapped the Wonka Bar and bit off a piece. "It's great!"
"That's amazing!" cried Augustus.
"Wow," said Violet.
Selena stepped back from the television. "So here's what we have for a sales pitch right now. Imagine you're sitting at home watching television and suddenly a commercial will come on and a voice will say 'Wonka's chocolates are the best in the world. If you don't believe us, try one for yourself.' And you'll simply reach out and take the sample. What do you think? It's a work in progress, but everyone needs a starting point."
Charlie smiled. "I think it's good."
"It needs work," Veruca added.
Selena's attention turned to her. "That's right, your daddy's a businessman. You must hear about some sales pitches from him."
"I don't really pay attention," said Veruca. "I don't want to hear him talk about work."
Selena shrugged. "Whatever. You might want to. Might help you one day."
"Could you send other things?" asked Augustus.
"Like?" prompted Selena.
"Other chocolates? It doesn't have to be Wonka Bars, right?" Augustus asked.
"Can you send breakfast cereal?" asked Violet.
Selena made a face of disgust. "You mean those little pencil shavings from the sharpeners that are coated in sugar? Hey, Willy could make his own version of that."
"But could you send it by television if you wanted to?" asked Charlie.
"Sure we could," said Selena. "We'd probably have to wait until we get the size issue worked out. Though it could be fun making giant pieces of cereal."
"What about people?" asked Mike.
"Why a person?" asked Selena.
"Don't you realize what you've invented?" shouted Mike. "It's a teleporter! It's the most important invention in the history of the world, and all you can think about is chocolate."
Violet turned to him. "Cool it, Mike. It's Mr. Wonka's invention. He can use it for what he wants."
"He's got no idea what he's made!" Mike snapped. "You think he's a genius, but he's an idiot! But I'm not."
Mike jumped over the Oompa-Loompa in the chair and dashed up to the control panel, shoving a couple more Oompa-Loompas out of the way. He hit the button on the control panel and launched off it to land on the dais. The tube shut him inside. Mike began to float inside and he made a show of striking poses. He waved at the others with a smile on his face.
Selena had a wide smile herself.
The lights flashed and the tube was empty.
"He's gone!" cried Augustus.
Selena turned. "Let's check the television and see what we get. I sure hope no part of him gets left behind."
"What do you mean?" Veruca asked, horrified.
"Well, sometimes only half the pieces make it all the way through," Selena admitted. "Maybe we should put on a horror movie to be safe." She looked back at the Oompa-Loompa in the chair. "Did we sign up for a package with a horror channel?"
"A horror movie?" Violet asked flatly.
"If only half of him comes through, it would be on brand. Is there such a thing as a horror/cowboy movie?" Selena said, examining the screen. She turned back to the Oompa-Loompa. "Try every channel."
The Oompa-Loompa started flipping through channels. Music began to play.
"There he is!" Charlie cried.
A small version of Mike was standing on a news desk. The anchor looked like an Oompa-Loompa in a suit. He began to sing and the Oompa-Loompa continued to flick through channels, all the actors looking like human versions of Oompa-Loompas. Mike was thrown through cooking shows, movies, toy commercials, and even an 80's style music video.
The most important thing that we've ever learned,
The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never ever let
Them near your television set
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all
Never ever let them
Never ever let them
Ooh, ooh
Never ever let them
Never ever let them
It rots the senses in the head!
It kills imagination dead!
It clogs and clutters up the mind!
It makes a child so dull and blind!
So dull! So dull!
He can no longer understand
A fairytale and a fairyland!
A fairyland, fairyland!
His brain becomes as soft as cheese!
His thinking powers rust and freeze!
He cannot think he only sees!
Regarding little Mike Teavee
We very much regret that we
Shall simply have to wait and see
If we can get him back his height
But if we can't it serves him right!
It was back to the news anchor and Mike was smacked with his stack of papers.
"Ooh, ouch," Selena said unsympathetically.
"Help me!" Mike cried in a high pitch voice.
The screen flickered and all the color went out of it, leaving Mike gray. At the same time the back of the television started smoking. A panel in the back popped open and a pile of wires fell out.
"This is a bit of a problem," said Selena.
"Why?" asked Charlie.
"Well, if we take Mike out of the television now, he won't have any color," Selena replied. "He'll be stuck black and white forever. The television needs fixed before he can be taken out."
"I don't want to be stuck in here!" cried Mike.
"Don't worry," said Selena.
The lights in the room dipped a little.
"Or worry. You fix the television. I'll take care of this," said Selena, walking away.
"Take care of what?" asked Violet.
Selena spun around on her heel. "When testing started, there were some hiccups, one of them being losing the chocolate if the television turned off."
"What?" cried the children.
"You fix the television, I'll keep the power from turning off!" Selena pranced away. "Just be careful you don't turn the power off on accident!" She disappeared out of the room.
"Hurry up and get me out of here!" shouted Mike.
The other four ran around to the back of the television.
"It looks like we have put the wires back into place," said Charlie.
"That's easy enough," said Veruca. "They're all color coded."
They put the wires back into their proper places.
"Done," said Charlie. He ran around to the screen. "Or not."
The color to the television was back, but it wasn't the proper colors. Everything looked green and fuzzy.
"Did we do something wrong?" asked Augustus.
"No, dummies!" squeaked Mike. "You gotta adjust the color!"
"How do we do that?" asked Charlie.
"You need the remote and use the settings menu," Mike replied.
"Where's the remote?" asked Violet.
They looked around.
Charlie saw the Oompa-Loompa was still sitting in the chair with the remote. "May we borrow that?" he asked.
The Oompa-Loompa nodded. He pushed a button and the settings menu popped up on screen. He then handed the remote to Charlie.
"Okay, we're in the settings menu. Now what?"
"You need to adjust the color using the different bars," Mike explained.
Charlie started changing the settings, turning things from green to red.
"Not like that!" Mike shouted.
"Sorry," said Charlie. "We only have a black and white television at home."
"Let me try," said Violet. She took the remote from Charlie, getting the settings a bit closer to normal colors. "I can't get it right."
"We almost need something to look at to match it to," said Veruca.
"Oh! Oh!" Augustus pointed at the screen. "A Wonka Bar commercial!"
"That's great," sneered Mike. "How's that supposed to help?"
"I know what a Wonka Bar looks like!" Augustus exclaimed.
"We all do," said Veruca.
"No, no, the colors on the wrapper! If we can match the colors on the wrapper, then Mike will have his colors fixed, too!" cried Augustus.
"You're right!" Violet realized. "We'll have to be quick, before the commercial ends. Augustus, help me."
"It needs less blue," he told her. "And it's too bright."
Violet made a few quick adjustments. "How's that?"
Augustus frowned, unsure. "I think that's it."
"You think?" called Mike. "You think? I don't want to come out the wrong color!"
Charlie realized they had something that could help them. "Here." He held out the Wonka Bar that had been sent through the television.
"Thanks," said Violet. She held it up to the screen and used it as reference. "Got it!"
The commercial ended.
"Everything looks right," said Veruca.
"I think we can take him out," said Charlie. He reached in and carefully pulled Mike out of the television.
"Oh, thank heavens, he's completely unharmed." Selena stood behind them with a smile.
"Just put me back in the other way!" Mike demanded.
"There is no other way," Selena told him. "It's television, not telephone."
"So how do we get him back to his normal size?" asked Veruca.
"Hmm," Selena pondered. "You know, children are extremely springy, stretch like mad. Putting him through a round or two in the taffy puller should to the trick."
"Taffy puller?" repeated Veruca.
"Sure," replied Selena. "Let's head over there now."
Selena led them out of the television room and back to the elevator where she pressed the button to take them to the taffy room. They entered the room where a large piece of taffy was being pulled.
"That does not look safe," said Violet.
"You went through the juicer and were fine," Selena reminded. She pointed at the taffy being pulled. "That machine is for the big batches of Laffy Taffy. We'll put him through the smaller puller."
She walked over to the smaller, more contained puller and handed Mike to the Oompa-Loompas. They loaded him into the machine and pulled the cover shut.
"Gently now," Selena instructed them.
The Oompa-Loompas nodded and turned on the machine. Inside the machine they could hear Mike yipping and squeaking. There was a ding and a stretched out Mike was deposited out of the machine.
"May have overdone it," said Selena as he stood up.
Mike was pulled wire thin and was about seven feet tall.
"Eh, you might shrink down in a few days," said Selena. "Oh well."
"Oh well?" Mike repeated.
Selena didn't respond and led them out of the taffy room.
"And so dear children, our time together has come to an end," she said.
"So who wins the special prize?" asked Violet.
"That is a good question," said Selena. "Hmm, who should get the special prize? Should it be the gluttonous boy who thinks only with his stomach? Or the winning obsessed girl who impulsively chews a piece of gum that appears in front of her nose? What about the greedy girl who wants what she wants and nothing else matters but getting what she wants? Or the smart but arrogant boy with no imagination to show? Or the sweet little boy who wants to help everyone, but can't think of himself?"
"So Charlie gets it?" asked Veruca.
"I never said it was Charlie," said Selena. "I just pointed out your flaws. Augustus loves chocolate, but is too focused on stuffing his face with it. Violet is competitive and wants to be at the front, but is easily blind to everything else except her goal. Similar to Veruca, who wants things, but doesn't think passed that. Mike is very intelligent, great with numbers, but is terribly closedminded. And Charlie wants to be so helpful he can't see beyond helping another person."
"What's wrong with wanting to be helpful?" Charlie asked.
Selena turned her attention to Charlie. "Back in the nut room, Violet offered to go down to help Veruca. She had experience using a harness before, but you wouldn't let her go. You wanted to help Veruca, you who had no experience using a harness and couldn't even get it on without help. In that situation, who should have gone down to help Veruca? You or Violet?"
Charlie lowered his head.
Selena's face brightened. She reached behind her back and pulled out the game. "So this was fun! I hope you had a fun time, too. But it's time to go." She opened the game and there was a bright flash of light.
The children opened their eyes. They were back in the little room. Violet checked her hands and tugged at her hair and found she was normal again. Mike wasn't stretched out. Augustus wasn't thin anymore. Veruca no longer stank and wasn't covered in garbage. And more importantly, they were all in their own clothes and none of them were cartoons.
"We're back," said Charlie.
Veruca looked at the game and quickly shut it. "I do not want a game like this."
"There you are."
They whipped around to the door. Ms. Aneles was standing in the doorway.
"It's time to leave now," she said.
"Leave?" asked Violet.
"Yes, I know. It seems like this day has gone so fast and there should be more to see," said Ms. Aneles. "But your parents are waiting for you at the door. Come along now." She walked away.
The five children looked at each other. They followed her out of the little room. Their parents were waiting by the door ready to leave.
Wonka smiled at them. "Ah, there they are. Now parents, the chocolate along with reordering forms will be delivered next week. Better clean out the pantry to make room for all that chocolate. And we'll discuss the special prize next week."
"Come on, Charlie," Grandpa Joe called.
"Augustus, time to leave."
"Come on, Violet."
"Mike, let's go."
"Veruca, we're leaving."
The five children followed their parents out of the factory.
Wonka and Ms. Aneles stood on the steps watching them go.
"Goodbye now!" called Wonka. "See you all soon!" He turned to Ms. Aneles. "Well?"
"They all have their strengths and weaknesses," Ms. Aneles replied. "Plenty of room to grow and learn. The internships will be great for all five. We already knew Augustus knows your products before coming here. Violet isn't afraid to put herself out there. Veruca comes from a successful business family; if she learns from them it'll be a great asset. We know Mike is brilliant with numbers. As for Charlie, he'll want to continue what you started, but his drive to help everybody may be a hindrance. Between the five of them, they'll carry on your legacy."
"Hmm, I wasn't expecting to teach five to take over my factory," said Wonka.
Ms. Aneles unclipped her lapel pin. "Not everyone can be you." She reached into her pocket. "Taffy?"
"Thank you," said Wonka, taking a piece.
"Go see your father, Willy. He misses you," said Ms. Aneles, sipping on a Rita's Italian Ice cup that simply appeared in her hand. "And stop slacking on the paperwork. You're putting Doris up the wall with it."
"What about you?" Wonka asked.
A wide smile spread across her face. "I have places to go, people to see, reality to break. I can be a very busy person when I feel like it." She stepped off the steps and vanished before she reached the gates.
Thank you for taking the time to read the retro mania edition of Sweet Treats and Spoiled Brats.