Does He Truly Look Up to You?
Summary: Don and his doubts and worries about being someone that Charlie looks up to. Third fic in the series Truly Beloved.
Warning: None
Disclaimer: Still don't own the show, although that would be nice.
A/N: Hi. So I know I said that I wouldn't post until the 20th in my fic MBD, but it turns out that my wifi does have it's ups and downs so I might still post stories, but they're just going to be a bit irregular depending on if my wifi likes me or not. So that's it from me for now. Have a nice day!
He looks up to you.
His father's voice that echoed in his head for once wasn't about how much he failed. This time it was about something much more terrifying. The prospect that Charlie actually still looked up to him and considered him a role model in some way. No matter how many times his father told him, it never really sinked in. Until today that is.
After the case with the counterfeits, Don had to re-evaluate his relationship with Charlie. And after the sniper case, Don had to reassess his interactions with his brother. Doing all of that, Don came to a single conclusion.
He was the worst brother ever.
Don can't really lie to himself about this fact. While he did take care of Charlie when they were little, it was mostly the bare minimum. He only did it if he was asked. The only times when he took care of Charlie even if no one asked him was if Charlie asked to play or if he went to Don's bedroom at night because of nightmares. Outside of that, Don didn't pay much attention to his brother. Why should he? His parents have already given Charlie all the attention, so why should Don do it as well? Looking back, he realized that it was an unfair statement.
Don had let his emotions and disappointment at being left behind cloud his judgement, and his brother was the one to feel it. Don constantly avoided him in school, feeling that hanging out with his younger brother would make him uncool. He let others dictate his relationship with Charlie, which is what made their relationship sour over the years. Jealousy and bitterness made it easy for Don to avoid him. It was only after he left that Don began to realize that he should've been better. That he did miss his brother and wanted to be closer with him. But it was too late. They had nothing in common, and most of their calls were filled with a certain awkwardness that two strangers might have when they meet each other for the first time, not brothers. Even when Charlie called to talk about his problems, there was still a gap between them, one that Don was sure he could never mend no matter how much he tried.
It was easy for Don to forget the awkwardness whenever he went back to LA again. There were so many things that happened in between his visits that that was what they mostly talked about. There wasn't really much beyond it. This was also the time when he met Larry, a professor that Charlie had been close to. Seeing those two interact made his heart clench. It was clear to him that Charlie had found someone else to give him guidance and a sense of security. He wished that he was the one to give him that. It was supposed to be his job to take care of Charlie. But like everything else, he blew it.
He looks up to you.
Their relationship got worse before it got better. During the time when their mother was sick, Don couldn't help but feel angry. Did he understand? Yes. But he was also pissed at Charlie for leaving them, for leaving him to deal with everything. Don supposed it could be karma. When was he ever there for his brother anyways? After the outburst, Don didn't speak to him. He didn't have the time really, and he wasn't sure if he could keep his cool when he saw Charlie again. But then their mother died, and one of the first things that Charlie did was to throw himself in Don's arms and cry. In an instant, Don forgot ever being angry at him. All his focus was on trying to make everything better. He might've botched their relationship growing up, but he'll try his best to repair it this time.
He promised his mother he would take care of everything after all.
After that, their relationship improved. Was it a bit rocky? Yes, but it wasn't as bad as before. The awkwardness that was there before started to disappear bit by bit. Just like his relationship with his father, Don felt like everything was starting to go up.
But then everything blew up in his face.
Once again, Don had managed to find a way to drive a wedge between them. First it was because of his shooting. Don had gotten so angry that he accidentally shook his brother too hard and hurt him. Don realized too late that he was being too harsh on Charlie, pushing him to do his magic when he knew Charlie was in distress. Don had to remember that while he could push away his problems and face everything head on, Charlie can't. He should've been more gentle, more understanding. But instead he got frustrated and let his stress and emotions get the better of him. While everything did work out in the end, Don felt like what he did was irreversible. And this feeling certainly didn't go away with time. In fact, it became worse. Case after case, Don made mistakes when it came to talking with his brother. The more they interact, the more Don realizes how flawed he was as a brother.
He looks up to you.
What? Why? When?
All those questions swirled in his mind as he tried to sleep.
What did he do to gain the admiration of someone like Charlie? Someone who has accomplished so much more than the majority of people in the past few years. Someone who has managed to get a glimpse of the worst parts of humanity but still retains his positive outlook on life. Someone who has given so much to society with their work and still has energy left to help out. Someone with immense talent who is able to use it for good despite the stress that comes with doing so. Charlie was never someone who was tied down by bureaucracies and responsibilities. He found his freedom in the world of numbers and logic, a place where everything worked exactly how they should work. A part of Don was jealous of that. Charlie never knew this, but if his work ever turned out to be flawed or if he made a mistake, it wasn't Charlie that everyone would blame. It would be Don. And if Don had to be honest, he was to blame for a lot of mishaps that happen in the field. Some of them Charlie has definitely witnessed firsthand.
Why would Charlie ever look up to someone like him? In a role that demanded perfection, Don messed up far more times than he could count. Unlike his brother, whose mistakes only happen because of the faulty information he was given. Something that was once again, was Don's role to provide. He almost got his brother killed for god's sake! Why did Charlie still look up to him after that? How can he almost get himself shot but then turn around and still follow the one person that was supposed to protect him? The one person that almost failed to do so. How could Charlie still put his trust in Don after he almost failed so spectacularly?
When has he ever displayed qualities worth being admired? Sure he was calm under fire, but that was mostly it. Everything else about him was normal. There certainly was nothing there that Charlie could ever look up to. Considering how he's treated his brother in the past, he's surprised that Charlie even considered him family. Then again, his brother was always far too kind and forgiving for his own good.
God, how much of a mess he'd become. If Charlie knew about what was going on in his head, he would certainly be let down. Charlie probably saw him as invincible or something. Running a hand over the small scar on his arm, he sighed. He was close to proving that fact wrong. Charlie had later asked him about how he managed to still work despite the near-death experience. Don couldn't really tell him that he just shoved that experience into the back of his mind like every other problem he had. Instead, he said that he had a sense of duty and needed to make sure that the sacrifices of those fallen agents weren't in vain. He felt like a fraud after that, especially when Charlie looked at him with an amazed expression on his face, his eyes shining brightly. He didn't deserve that look. He didn't deserve any of this.
Thinking it over, Don realized why he was so frustrated and uncomfortable with the statement. It was because of the fact that Charlie had seen all of Don's flaws and somehow looked past that to see the positives that Don was certain never existed in the first place, thinking that he needed to be more like Don in order to improve and become a better person. And that's where the problem lies.
He looks up to you.
Don let out a rueful chuckle at that. That statement has got to be the biggest joke of the century. That's the thing Chuck, Don thought to himself. You never needed to. You're already a good person.
Far better than I'll ever be.