Breaking News! It has just been reported that a US citizen by the name of Redstripe has been sentenced to... forty-seven million years of jail, plus a public execution next Friday! This is a record-breaking incident; let's take a look at the details, Terry.
Here's the report: "After being accused several times by an anonymous Internet user, the citizen Redstripe has been charged with, allegedly, starting both world wars, forming the Ku Klux Klan, being both Adolf Hitler and Vladimir Putin, inventing parabolic equations, and... being an online troll."
We aren't quite sure why being an online troll caused Redstripe to be sentenced to forty-five million more years of jail on top of the other punishments... what's that, Terry? Oh, that's also the reason for the execution? Okay, well, new laws have recently been put in place and we believe that those laws may be the reason for such a gigantic punishment towards Redstripe!
Anyways, in other news, we have also been informed recently that the citizen Eightball, which we talked about briefly on Saturday, has now resorted to homophobia! Let's take a look at some quotes from a recent interview.
He was asked by his father: "Son, you used to be gay! Why are you all of a sudden homophobic?"
And Eightball's response was: "Well, dad... it's just, homosexuals are so scary! I always want to run away when I see them, I'm just so scared! I have a phobia of homosexuals! That's why I'm homophobic, dad!"
Despite a lot of backlash from Eightball himself, the young man has been getting cancelled across multiple social media platforms and has lost much of his fanbase which us here at the news station were not previously aware of.
Tune in on Friday for some exciting news about the upcoming 2024 election in the United States! Who will win, Old White Douchebag or Douchebag Old White?! Just over a year until we find out.